Sending a letter to the Wife

[gettingstronger]

I am a BS and I did exactly what you are contemplating- our OW continued to intrude- she was warned not to and that we would notify her husband (whom she said knew of the A) that she was intruding in our lives- she continued- I sent him a letter via email (found it by doing a google search) he shot the messenger (me) she went ape sh&t and told me how awful I was and that her H did not deserve what I did to him (ironic huh?) anyway- fast forward 6 months, she still intrudes BUT her husband emailed me and said he tried to reconcile and could not and they were divorcing, he asked me to testify (I declined)but made it clear that after he got over the shock (he did not know of the A although she said he did) that he was thankful for the truth-I spent a lot of time feeling horrible for hurting him and even worse when I found out they were on a family vacation when he received my email but you know, in the end, I did what I felt was right and as it came full circle he agreed, my husband agreed, I agreed but our OW is still a selfish, in denial, intruding pain in my butt- what can you do-only so much-

 

Good luck-

[Goodbye]

Well lets talk like adults.

We all know that separated or divorcing clearly means he is

not single.

So you knew he wasn't from the

 

 

 

Let's talk like adults? Still waiting....

[Goodbye]

Regarding believing the "divorcing" ....

 

I fell into this same situation that seems so hard to understand from others' point of view, but when you are in it and believe in the person you love, then you trust. You believe in them.

 

Later you learn what a mistake it was, but to condemn someone for believing in the person they loved and trusted does not help.

 

 

Yeah, well I made the choice to be with him based on my own understanding of divorcing/separated. I was legally separated for 2 1/2 years before my divorce went through. Both my exH and I considered ourselves single after the action was filed...just my opinion. Also, I knew the exMM from years ago...assumed that would give him more credibility than the average "divorcing" guy out there, but guess not. Complicated situation...but you know what? I don't feel guilty for dating what I thought was a man getting a divorce. I do feel stupid for not asking more questions.

[Goodbye]

I am a BS and I did exactly what you are contemplating- our OW continued to intrude- she was warned not to and that we would notify her husband (whom she said knew of the A) that she was intruding in our lives- she continued- I sent him a letter via email (found it by doing a google search) he shot the messenger (me) she went ape sh&t and told me how awful I was and that her H did not deserve what I did to him (ironic huh?) anyway- fast forward 6 months, she still intrudes BUT her husband emailed me and said he tried to reconcile and could not and they were divorcing, he asked me to testify (I declined)but made it clear that after he got over the shock (he did not know of the A although she said he did) that he was thankful for the truth-I spent a lot of time feeling horrible for hurting him and even worse when I found out they were on a family vacation when he received my email but you know, in the end, I did what I felt was right and as it came full circle he agreed, my husband agreed, I agreed but our OW is still a selfish, in denial, intruding pain in my butt- what can you do-only so much-

 

Good luck-

 

 

 

I'm sorry your OW refuses to take a hike. She sounds demented. Good that your efforts were ultimately appreciated, even if not so from the start.

[Goodbye]

Start. But you jumped into it.

and now you are dealing with the the results of your actions.

 

I think there is almost no OW/OM that wants

to tell the wife because they care.

Its deep down always to hurt the men they

are cheating with or to play victim.

 

I think you should not drag no wife info your mes.

she shore will not care about your sad story or tears because

you did not care when you started the affair but now

that it went wrong you want her to know.

With deep down the hope that he will get in trouble

or divorce etc.

 

Only nice thing I read is you saying sorry.

But I think you should learn from this and block.him everywhete

and move on.

That will show more sorry. And be good for you.

and never start anything not even emailing people

that are not single.

Or that you feel like they are lying.

 

His wife have notting to do with the bad choices

you made.

So keep her out of it.

Its his job to tell her at the end.

affairs almost always is based on lust.

never give it a chance.

 

 

 

 

Are you for real?

[whatatangledweb]

I really wish you could find a different way other than her job to contact her. I would add to your letter that you demanded NC with him several times and he refuses to do so. This is so he can not try to make you out to be a bunny boiler and she knows you are not telling her as a way to get him. It would also help if you gave clear dates you met up and how you communicated. While he might try to lie his way out of it if she doesn't know, many wives will check the things you mentioned.

It is very important how someone tells someone. Yours is a good way. In my case, I caught my husband and he admitted everything. Ended it the moment I knew. 15 months later I get this string of text messages from a number different from where she lives. It was a skype number. It was about eight or ten messages saying the same thing over and over. Mainly it sounded liked a ticked off person venting to get back at a man. She insulted him over and over. No information, nothing but ranting . If I had not known I would have thought "what a whack job" and deleted them. It didn't mention an affair at all nor that she was in a relationship with him at any time. By what she said it appeared she was pissed because this man had not contacted her. This is the wrong way . You give enough details to be believable but not so many as to needlessly hurt her.

[gettingstronger]

Chop- I totally get what you are saying and as a BS (which I am) I think its easy to say that all OW get what they deserve and she should have known better but if I am being honest with myself, before all of this I would not have considered a divorcing person a MM- I know some of my friends dated when they were separated before papers were even filed, and although I considered it risky (I would want to lick my wounds and heal) I never thought of them as cheating on their husbands, heck, I did not even consider their husbands their husbands-I think before my husbands A my radar was not up and I would have believed that divorcing meant that the M was all over but the paperwork- it never dawned on me that people lied the way they do, etc...

My guess is that Goodbye will never make that mistake again and will be on the look out for lies, deceit and that she would probably never take the chance on a "divorcing" person-

JMO

[gettingstronger]

I really wish you could find a different way other than her job to contact her.

 

 

I agree on this, but really-is there ever a good time or place to get that kind of news-

 

Is it possible for you to tell him that you will contact his wife the very next time he tries to contact you in any way and then hold firm on that? We did warn our OW and we had every intention of never contacting her husband if she would just leave us alone- we were also committed to following through on my "threat" and did so within minutes of her contacting me again-

[KathyM]

You should send her the letter, along with an apology from you, an explanation that you were told that her husband was separated at the time you met him, and that otherwise you would never have considered dating him. Enclose the letter from her husband that he sent you, and then assure her that you want nothing ever to do with him, and will not respond to any contact from him. I agree with sending it to her work marked "Personal and Confidential." You would be giving her the truth about her life, which everyone deserves to have. She will be hurt far more by being kept in the dark for months or years, than to find out the truth about this now.

[Goodbye]

I really wish you could find a different way other than her job to contact her.

 

 

I agree on this, but really-is there ever a good time or place to get that kind of news-

 

Is it possible for you to tell him that you will contact his wife the very next time he tries to contact you in any way and then hold firm on that? We did warn our OW and we had every intention of never contacting her husband if she would just leave us alone- we were also committed to following through on my "threat" and did so within minutes of her contacting me again-

 

 

There really isn't another way to tell her without it going to her office. The exMM works from home and if he saw something coming for her to sign from my state...he'd figure out a way to work around the system. That is how he is. Funny how his creativity and strong will seemed attractive when in the right situation. If sent to her office, the good news is that according to the exMM, it is her second home...who knows if that is true. Obviously I'd send it so she'd have to sign for it.

 

I've have told the exMM on several occasions I'd tell the W. His continuing to profess his love is kind of a sign he doesn't believe me.

[Survivor12]

There really isn't another way to tell her without it going to her office. The exMM works from home and if he saw something coming for her to sign from my state...he'd figure out a way to work around the system. That is how he is. Funny how his creativity and strong will seemed attractive when in the right situation. If sent to her office, the good news is that according to the exMM, it is her second home...who knows if that is true. Obviously I'd send it so she'd have to sign for it.

 

I've have told the exMM on several occasions I'd tell the W. His continuing to profess his love is kind of a sign he doesn't believe me.

 

If your primary concern is to get him to back off--and scare the hell out of him--go ahead and send the letter to the house. If he intercepts it, great! He'll know you are serious and will leave you alone. He won't want you to know that he did for fear that you would find another way to contact her.

[WasOtherWoman]

I agree that you should send the letter, and clearly there is no other way but at her office (unless, of course, you happen to know who a close friend of hers might be.. could send to them?)

 

Maybe put the letter into two envelopes? The outside one market personal and confidential, the inside one (containing the letter) with a statement that you are sorry you had to send this to her work, etc., but that it is going to contain upsetting news about her husband and she should consider leaving the office prior to reading?

 

She may or may not actually do it, but at least you tried to warn her AND apologized for sending to her place of business.

[gettingstronger]

Whatever you decide will have ramifications, but remember as in my case, the initial fall out will be borne of shock and then later it may calm down-be prepared to feel badly for doing this but remember why and how you arrived at this decision-good luck to you and stay strong on the NC-

 

Take care of yourself-

[Goodbye]

If your primary concern is to get him to back off--and scare the hell out of him--go ahead and send the letter to the house. If he intercepts it, great! He'll know you are serious and will leave you alone. He won't want you to know that he did for fear that you would find another way to contact her.

 

 

This is a very good point.

[Realist3]

If your primary concern is to get him to back off--and scare the hell out of him--go ahead and send the letter to the house. If he intercepts it, great! He'll know you are serious and will leave you alone. He won't want you to know that he did for fear that you would find another way to contact her.

 

I think this solution is the best I have seen. It will send the message to him you are serious.

[gettingstronger]

I actually disagree with the above- I feel like based on the history of this man he will feel like he once again got over on both his spouse and goodbye- I have a strong dislike for that type of person-one who instead of owning up likes to get over-he knows he is getting to goodbye and does not care enough to stop for her own good- he is self centered and mean-

[Goodbye]

I actually disagree with the above- I feel like based on the history of this man he will feel like he once again got over on both his spouse and goodbye- I have a strong dislike for that type of person-one who instead of owning up likes to get over-he knows he is getting to goodbye and does not care enough to stop for her own good- he is self centered and mean-

 

 

Yeah. As someone else posted, he is of the mindset that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." He applied it to both of us, I assume. What I didn't know then, but know now DID hurt me. I can't speak for the W...what kind of a woman she is. I know some people prefer peace in the home, regardless of what is going on behind the scenes and prefer not to know. I, on the other hand, am perhaps too caught up in knowing the truths...which is probably why I regressed to the pathetic point of going back and looking at his stupid FB page like I'm 15 or something.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If your primary concern is to get him to back off--and scare the hell out of him--go ahead and send the letter to the house. If he intercepts it, great! He'll know you are serious and will leave you alone. He won't want you to know that he did for fear that you would find another way to contact her.

 

I do like this.

 

However, it is somewhat PA. It is not following through on her words of informing his wife. He has always known OP intentions if he kept contacting her. It can be viewed as handing him the power, which he has had this whole time. He might actually feel more empowered because he was able to block her. Like he outsmarted her. He needs to know he is NOT the one who is in control and gets to make all the decisions regardless of what or how often OP has told him otherwise.

 

As women, we often fail at standing up for ourselves in a clear, assertive way. We try to be peacemakers and make concession when we shouldn't.

 

Bottom line. He was told often of the consequence. The more we repeat, the emptier they are viewed. He already chose for his wife to be informed.

[Goodbye]

I do like this.

 

However, it is somewhat PA. It is not following through on her words of informing his wife. He has always known OP intentions if he kept contacting her. It can be viewed as handing him the power, which he has had this whole time. He might actually feel more empowered because he was able to block her. Like he outsmarted her. He needs to know he is NOT the one who is in control and gets to make all the decisions regardless of what or how often OP has told him otherwise.

 

As women, we often fail at standing up for ourselves in a clear, assertive way. We try to be peacemakers and make concession when we shouldn't.

 

Bottom line. He was told often of the consequence. The more we repeat, the emptier they are viewed. He already chose for his wife to be informed.

 

 

Thank you for this insight...it is really good.

[gettingstronger]

You know its funny- I feel a kinship with you even though you are an OW and I am a BS-sometimes it does not come down to where you are in the triangle its what you are dealing with as a person-for both of us its dealing with someone with no regard for our well being- someone that no matter what is undoing all of the progress we have made- at some point you have to regain control over a situation like this-you have to get a little selfish about it and decide when you have "played nice" for long enough-its hard to decide to drawn in another "innocent" in the mix but sometimes the collateral damage is hard to avoid- I wish you luck and I wish healing and peace for his wife-

[snappytomcat]

I am a BS and I did exactly what you are contemplating- our OW continued to intrude- she was warned not to and that we would notify her husband (whom she said knew of the A) that she was intruding in our lives- she continued- I sent him a letter via email (found it by doing a google search) he shot the messenger (me) she went ape sh&t and told me how awful I was and that her H did not deserve what I did to him (ironic huh?) anyway- fast forward 6 months, she still intrudes BUT her husband emailed me and said he tried to reconcile and could not and they were divorcing, he asked me to testify (I declined)but made it clear that after he got over the shock (he did not know of the A although she said he did) that he was thankful for the truth-I spent a lot of time feeling horrible for hurting him and even worse when I found out they were on a family vacation when he received my email but you know, in the end, I did what I felt was right and as it came full circle he agreed, my husband agreed, I agreed but our OW is still a selfish, in denial, intruding pain in my butt- what can you do-only so much-

 

Good luck-

sounds like my Husbands XOW,and next week is his bday,and she made a big deal about his bday,for some reason,so im ready if she tried to contact him,its been quite for about 2 months or so,but im sure OW/OM have triggers just like BS

and as far as the lette goes,im on the fence on this,would I have wanted to know the truth way before I did,of course,does the wife deserve to know the truth of course she does,but I wouldn't have wanted to know from the OW,unless it was coming from a place of sincere regret,and not out of anger,but its her husband who should tell her,and he needs to man up,and stop being a coward

[Goodbye]

sounds like my Husbands XOW,and next week is his bday,and she made a big deal about his bday,for some reason,so im ready if she tried to contact him,its been quite for about 2 months or so,but im sure OW/OM have triggers just like BS

and as far as the lette goes,im on the fence on this,would I have wanted to know the truth way before I did,of course,does the wife deserve to know the truth of course she does,but I wouldn't have wanted to know from the OW,unless it was coming from a place of sincere regret,and not out of anger,but its her husband who should tell her,and he needs to man up,and stop being a coward

 

 

You are absolutely correct, it IS his place to tell his wife that he had an affair, that he broke his marital vows, that he lied to her about where he has been. That is obvious. But, it isn't going to happen. So then what?

[snappytomcat]

You are absolutely correct, it IS his place to tell his wife that he had an affair, that he broke his marital vows, that he lied to her about where he has been. That is obvious. But, it isn't going to happen. So then what?

I don't know,i wish I had the answers,its a difficult place to be in,all I know is he doesn't deserve his wife,or you,i hope you find some peace in whatever you decide to do

best of luck to you

[Goodbye]

I don't know,i wish I had the answers,its a difficult place to be in,all I know is he doesn't deserve his wife,or you,i hope you find some peace in whatever you decide to do

best of luck to you

 

 

I will find my peace again. thanks.

[Survivor12]

I do like this.

 

However, it is somewhat PA. It is not following through on her words of informing his wife. He has always known OP intentions if he kept contacting her. It can be viewed as handing him the power, which he has had this whole time. He might actually feel more empowered because he was able to block her. Like he outsmarted her. He needs to know he is NOT the one who is in control and gets to make all the decisions regardless of what or how often OP has told him otherwise.

 

As women, we often fail at standing up for ourselves in a clear, assertive way. We try to be peacemakers and make concession when we shouldn't.

 

Bottom line. He was told often of the consequence. The more we repeat, the emptier they are viewed. He already chose for his wife to be informed.

 

Addressing the letter to her and requiring that it be signed for & "return receipt rquested" is not being passive-aggressive. IF he intercepts it, she will know and & can then decide if & how to proceed. Even if she chooses not to go further, he won't know when or if she might.

 

It all depends on what the OP truly wants to accomplish. If it is to convince him to leave her alone, it will let him know that she is prepared to follow through on her warning. If it's because she really wants the BS to know the truth about her H, she will still have that option if she doesn't receive the letter.