My ex-girlfriend was just raped

[chados]

Jeez, that's a sucky thing to happen between two of your friends. Sorry you had to endure that.

 

But...Yeah. I think I'm going to go NC with this girl.

 

 

yeah and believe me its shocking. you just dont expect that. i went with my instinct though. i just couldnt see it happen. but i also let her talk. then i actually asked him. and if i remember correctly he didnt know about it. he got mad and told her to stop with the accusations else he was gonna call the police.

 

i believe that something happened. i believe that she met this guy and he is very jealous. she probably told him my friend and her had sex or something. this guy got upset and instead of saying im sorry she ended up accusing him. she got mad at me for not believing her.

 

funny thing is that after all this happened. she still has him on facebook. but she ended up removing me.

 

she did that because she would still come up to me when her boyfriend was there. once she said that theres always been something special with you and started coming up really close to me. and on top of that her boyfriend is extremely jealous so i know he told her to not have contact with me. me and her were never close so its not a big deal to me. this happened to me with other girls too.

 

and its really bad when your friends girlfriends ask you to follow them in to the bathroom. telling you that youre her second favourite guy after her boyfriend or asking you straight up if you want to have sex with her. ive seen it all. young people do stupid things all the time. and i think most of the times you can understand if they are telling you the truth. i think that even though you say you believe her that youre having doubts.

[card]

She just sent me some text like "He got me donuts yay" so I went on a rant about how she shouldn't have any contact with him at all and stuff, and it ended up with her telling me that "he isn't a sexual predator because I say so" and me being a jealous ***hole for trying to help her to not get hurt. Cool.

 

I think I'm going to let her mom know that she's trying to hang out with a guy who possibly (It seems a lot more likely now if you saw this conversation) raped her.

Edited February 18, 2014 by card

[xUnknown]

She just sent me some text like "He got me donuts yay" so I went on a rant about how she shouldn't have any contact with him at all and stuff, and it ended up with her telling me that "he isn't a sexual predator because I say so" and me being a jealous ***hole for trying to help her to not get hurt. Cool.

 

I think I'm going to let her mom know that she's trying to hang out with a guy who possibly (It seems a lot more likely now if you saw this conversation) raped her.

 

Hell yeah I would too. If this girl doesn't get some sense smacked into her head she's in for a wakeup call. I would mention "something" to her mom...but say maybe something like... "you need to have a very serious conversation with your daughter...its no laughing matter. You NEED to talk to her." Let the daughter tell her. She'll resent you if you tell her mom and if the mom brings it up she'll deny it.

[card]

Hell yeah I would too. If this girl doesn't get some sense smacked into her head she's in for a wakeup call. I would mention "something" to her mom...but say maybe something like... "you need to have a very serious conversation with your daughter...its no laughing matter. You NEED to talk to her." Let the daughter tell her. She'll resent you if you tell her mom and if the mom brings it up she'll deny it.

 

That's a good idea. I'm a little worried though because she has the kind of mom who might reply with something like "don't you tell me how to raise my daughter".

 

edit: Okay, I just messaged her. Hopefully she does something about it.

Edited February 18, 2014 by card

[card]

She just replied with "Yeah I know who it is. It's ok. We are talking openly, no worries"

 

Not sure if I'm really satisfied with that. I mean I guess it's alright, but if they're talking opening and she knows who he is then why hasn't she done anything about it!?

Edited February 18, 2014 by card

[chados]

do you know what this is? she wants people to feel sorry for her. she doesnt take it seriously cause it never happened. her mom knows it never happened. wether shes okey with her hanging with a 19 year old i dont know and i couldnt care less. i think its stupid but it is what it is.

 

ive had this discussion before here with people. and i know how it often turns out, they dont listen. mostly its about breakups. dont talk to your ex if they dont want you. same thing here. do not talk to her. youre creating a situation that is really bad for you, for her and for him.

 

if this is to hard for you, and like i said i know that people wants to keep contact with their exes very often. but i think that if she wants to keep you around. she will contact you even if you dont contact her. so just please listen and let go.

[card]

I don't even really want to be with her anymore as of today after realized either how ignorant or untrustworthy she is. I'm just trying to make sure that she doesn't get hurt again (If she was even hurt in the first place, but I'm still pretty sure she was, sorry to say).

[chados]

can you explain to me, and feel free to not do it if you dont want to. but what exactly makes you believe that this happened? can you name one thing that makes this story sound true except by saying i trust her? ive said this before. theres no way that i can say to 100% that it didnt. but i would bet money i would bet that it didnt.

 

the thing is i have seen this before more then once. people close to me. ive seen investigations. whenever someone changes their story they almost always lie. it is extremly common that people lie about this. probably more common then it actually happens. mostly its by people who have had a bad life. depression, abuse. and dissorders. mostly they tell people they dont know very well. they can tell it to people theve just met. her actions shows a lot of deception. her mom doesnt seem worried at all. this guy doesnt show any signs except for the age thing that he raped her.

 

what is sad is that people who actually do get raped might not get justice because they press charges to late. but also because people think its okey to press false accusations against people. and im telling you. by hearing this story as you told me. he would probably because of his age be guilty. but he would never be guilty of forcing himself upon her. i wonder what she has told her parents now.

[card]

- She's not trying to get sympathy

- She's trying to say that I'm jealous, which only makes sense if you're delusional

- She's saying stuff to make herself feel better like "He didn't do it like that" or "He didn't know it was rape"

- It just seems like there would be no point to her faking it

[Easyguy14]

I said stuff about this in another thread but it was off topic, so here's a new one.

 

A couple nights ago my ex (Her mom broke us up, she's 15 and I'm 16) was hanging out with some friends, one of whom was 19. He was flirting with her all night and feeling her up and stuff, which isn't okay. She was hurt by it because she asked him if he liked her and he said no, so she felt used.

 

Last night, she was hanging around the same group of friends. She was given some kind of dare to kiss the guy and she thought it would be okay, so she tried giving him a quick kiss. He held on for a really long time and ended up forcing her to perform certain acts on him.

 

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I've been trying to tell her that she needs to tell her parents but she just says "stop" or "don't". I'm completely furious at him and her at the same time. Why did she think it was a good idea to hang out with him? How could he do something like that? And the worst thing is she's pretty much forgiven him. He told her that he didn't know it was wrong. So pissed at everything and scared for her because I have a feeling they're going to hang out again.

 

After not accepting my advice she told me that I make her mad because I keep talking to her which is making it hard for her to get over me. I'm just trying to help, god dammit. I want to call the cops and get this guy locked up but I know she would never talk to me again if I did that.

 

 

Is this thread for real not to be rude. You're 16 and she 15, both kids but I understand the need to date because you feel grown but you still got ways to go so her decision along with yours won't make much sense for a while. I'm sorry but I just cant take this thread seriously because from what you wrote she wasn't really violated since alls forgiven.

[chados]

- She's not trying to get sympathy

- She's trying to say that I'm jealous, which only makes sense if you're delusional

- She's saying stuff to make herself feel better like "He didn't do it like that" or "He didn't know it was rape"

- It just seems like there would be no point to her faking it

 

 

why would she use the word jealous? maybe she want you to be jealous. this is not uncommon in any way. everyone wants attention. and some people really really need the attention. they create drama because thats what makes them noticible. when i was in school i saved someones life.

 

she said she wanted to kill herself. everyone knew even at young age that she wasnt serious. she talked about it all the time. and was just looking for people to say its okey. she went out to the ice "i live in the artic circle" the ice was weak cause it was spring. and a part of the ice was open because of the stream. she took the smallest steps you can ever take and when she was close to the water the ice cracked. she couldnt get up. she was really scared. i picked her up and she was crying. later she told everyone that she didnt want to die. this girl never did anything like this again. it was a wake up call. when youre a kid and at 15 you are. and youre having different problems in life its understandable that you do things without understanding the consequences

 

you dont always have to ask for sympathy to want it. thats the thing with people that are mentaly unstable. imagine a kid that got hurt crying. walking to her mom. the mom says some nice words and he stops. it didnt really hurt. it was the emotions that took over. what would happen if you said, im done with you?

 

maybe shes saying that because it wasnt a rape? maybe she doesnt want him to get caught because she likes him. i mean he is older. maybe more grown up then her 15 year old friends. lets be honest, if i were 15 i would rather look at a good looking 20 year old then a 15 year old, because 1. i could never get her 2. i would have a woman not a girl 3. everyone would think i was the coolest guy in school . maybe shes telling you that she lied by saying that it wasnt as bad as she first said it was.

[amaysngrace]

You should stop answering her texts. You keep giving her attention and in that way you're the back up guy. She knows she can fall back on you if things don't work out with this donut raper guy.

 

She's happy that he brought her donuts. I'm sorry to say this but what girl would trade being raped for donuts???

 

That makes absolutely no sense.

 

It's much more likely that she did things with him then felt used because he said he didn't like her. So she called it rape.

 

Now that he got her donuts she thinks that he likes her. That's great for him...not too many guys can get a blow job for the six dollars it costs for Dunkin Donuts.

 

I think you really should forget about her Card. She's damaged goods :/

[almond]

You cannot help someone that continually makes bad choices, and attacks you for trying to talk sense into them. Either she was sexually assaulted and choked by this man, pressured into sex, or potentially destroyed this guy's life by making up lies. Regardless, she's still pursuing him like a little puppy dog. Sending you a text saying: "he got me donuts yay" after all of this is manipulative and downright stupid.

 

This is difficult for you, but fortunately, really simple - strongly advise her to seek professional help, and cut all contact immediately. Move on with your life, and forget about it all.

 

Stick to NC like your life depended on it. This one is a mess, and will be toxic to those around her until she finally takes responsibility for her own **** and sorts herself out. If she does this, that is. It will only get worse if she doesn't.

 

Let the mother deal with her daughter. She is the adult. Leave this be now, and get on with your own life. This girl could bring drama upon you to the point where it becomes dangerous. Run for the hills.

[card]

@grace

 

I see your point but you need to remember that she knew he didn't really like her before he did whatever. I'm pretty much already over her, though...I like her and all but if this is how her mind works I'm not sure I want to stick around to find out how she processes other things. I just don't want her to get hurt again, in case she did actually get raped (She's a good girl, just been through a lot and has kind of a warped sense of a lot of things).

 

Also, donut raper guy. I'm using that if I ever need to mention this guy to her again, haha.

 

 

@almond

 

Good advice. I'm gonna take it, thanks.

[card]

She just sent out a picture of him sleeping at 1:30 AM...which means they must at least be sleeping in the same room, more likely the same bed... honestly not sure what the hell her mom is doing. Even if she wasn't raped her mom is doing a pretty shoddy job at parenting, and if she was actually raped by this guy and her mom knows then I'm not even sure what to think anymore.

Edited February 22, 2014 by card

[chados]

my guess is that her mom raised her by herself. she was young when she got her. she might not have been the best mom. her parents are divorced. the daughter is 15 and wants the attention she didnt have as a kid. she could be bipolar. but we know that shes having depressions and that she sleeps around. am i right or am i wrong?

 

 

she wasnt raped, theres no doubt about it. her mom might not take it seriously because she doesnt believe it. if we knew the conversation between those two maybe we would understand more. maybe she told the truth to her mom. and her mom choose to let it go.

 

are you really this blind? i dont believe you think she got raped. people get raped more then once by the same person, it happens. but they live together.

 

you dont go back on your own will. and not only that. but you take a picture of the guy. really?.

[card]

Her mom is in her 40s and is still married. It's not really a happy marriage though. Her husband cheated on her before and I think even hit her once...

 

I guess I am that blind though. I really still believe she was raped.

 

 

little extra bit of info...I think her mom is also kind of nuts because one of the reasons she doesn't like me is because I have brown eyes and she doesn't trust people with brown eyes. Go figure.

Edited February 22, 2014 by card

[card]

I tried doing no contact...She messaged me at 4 in the morning today and I needed to know what was up so we talked for a bit and just now after getting super pissed at me for telling her that it's not a good idea to hang out with this person after what happened she revealed some things to me:

 

- The past two nights he slept over at her house (what the hell mom)

- He wanted to have sex and she said no (Guessing only because it was in her house but I didn't bring that up while we were arguing)

- She "****ing hate"s me and I "don't understand at all"

- Last night she wanted to cut herself so he got her cigarettes and weed (I got her to stop doing that while we dated and she thanked me for it, there goes all that work) and he drove her around and they watched movies

- She reestablished that he told her that he didn't know it was rape

- "if you loved me or still do you should want me to be happy"

 

 

I feel like an ***hole right now even though I'm pretty sure I'm not since I'm just trying to help her.

 

If we're going to discuss this let's assume that she did get raped. I really do think she did.

 

 

ps- I know I shouldn't talk to her anymore. I probably won't have the chance anyway now that she hates me for trying to tell her to not fall in love with her rapist.

Edited February 22, 2014 by card

[amaysngrace]

Here's the deal Card...her mom isn't taking care of her daughter's mental issues and despite the mom saying that she's keeping an eye on her she clearly isn't.

 

If she wants to cut then that's an indication of all of her pent up feelings that aren't properly being released. She needs professional intervention so that she can work those feelings out. I'm not sure what her mom is doing as far as taking her for counseling but whatever it is it doesn't seem to be enough.

 

If she was raped by this guy then why on earth is he allowed in her house in the middle of the night? WTF?

 

Her mom sounds whack to not protect her daughter. That just pisses me off...

 

Do you two go to the same school? Can you speak to her guidance counselor or school nurse about everything you know?

 

This girl needs help :/

[card]

Well she goes to counseling outside of school and I'm not really sure who to contact about that, and I probably couldn't just ask since it's confidence or whatever. From my experience it seems like her mom is letting her do anything as long as it's keeping her pretty happy, maybe so she doesn't have to deal with the stress?

 

Several times today I wanted to text her mom some pretty uncivil words.

 

 

Am I crazy for urging this girl so strongly to hang out with this guy? Because I'm almost starting to think I am after getting so much negative feedback from her. Like...What if this guy actually is just a one-time rapist? What if he really is super nice to her?

 

EDIT: in my previous message I meant to say that I'm guessing he only agreed not to have sex because it was in her house and her parents were there.

Edited February 23, 2014 by card

[amaysngrace]

What does she tell you about counseling? How often does she go? Did she go this week because she had a rough weekend last week and this weekend she wants to cut. It makes me think she hasn't seen anyone this week.

 

Now she's taking to substances to get her out of her head. That's awful.

 

Her mom sounds pretty worthless in that department. This kid is crying out for help. Even if she wasn't raped which I'm not convinced that she was or wasn't...it's apparent that her mom isn't taking the proper steps to keep her child safe.

 

You don't need to know what is happening in her counseling sessions. All you need to do is show a RESPONSIBLE adult what you know. Rape and cutting the next weekend are enough to make any responsible person takes the necessary steps to protect this girl. The thing is if they don't know about it then they aren't responsible for her but once you make it known to them they have an obligation to get involved.

 

I'm not sure what you just asked. You're pushing her to this guy? Is that what you're saying?

[amaysngrace]

my guess is that her mom raised her by herself. she was young when she got her. she might not have been the best mom. her parents are divorced.

 

By the way...I resent that :/

[card]

I don't think I've mentioned that she wants to cut (Usually doesn't) whenever she gets really sad or upset about something.

 

I meant to say "not hang out with this guy". My bad. And I'm almost starting to think I am just being a jerk and that maybe this guy really is good to her (Even if it involves smoking). I'm 99% sure he's a horrible person but she hasn't doubted for once that he isn't a good friend. To her he's like some kind of guardian angel and I'm the devil who just wants her to be miserable. I'm afraid to tell someone (Not even sure who I would tell) because I know she would never forgive me unless he actually did really hurt her again.

[card]

By the way...I resent that :/

 

Me too...Thankfully it isn't true in this case but it feels like her dad is just kind of sitting back and not doing anything about this.

[amaysngrace]

I don't think I've mentioned that she wants to cut (Usually doesn't) whenever she gets really sad or upset about something.

 

I meant to say "not hang out with this guy". My bad. And I'm almost starting to think I am just being a jerk and that maybe this guy really is good to her (Even if it involves smoking). I'm 99% sure he's a horrible person but she hasn't doubted for once that he isn't a good friend. To her he's like some kind of guardian angel and I'm the devil who just wants her to be miserable. I'm afraid to tell someone (Not even sure who I would tell) because I know she would never forgive me unless he actually did really hurt her again.

 

Rape is hard to process. Victims often put themselves into situations where they can replicate the incident with a more positive outcome. It's a common occurrence.

 

Her guidance counselor has to get involved if it's brought to their attention.

 

How is your relationship with your parents? Could you possibly bring this to one of their attentions and have them intervene?