Borderline Personality Ex

[flitzanu]

As much as I disagree with a lot of the stuff you've written, this actually cracked me up.

 

i wish i could just leave a smiley, cuz at least i got you to laugh

[Caliguy30]

So after I cut off complete contact for two months. No Facebook, no texts, no phone calls, everything blocked. She emails me that she needs to talk to me and tells me that before I stopped talking to her that she found out that she was pregnant and then had an abortion all without telling me. She also tells me she loves me she wants to make it work etc. but she also lives with the guy she currently has been hanging out with and that the sleep together even though they have multiple rooms. She tells me all of this and how much she loves me. First off, if she loves me and wants to be with me she shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with someone else and how is that fair to me.

 

Interestingly she told me her mom is the only person she told about being pregnant and having an abortion with my kid and that it couldn't be anyone else's. so I called her mom and her mom had no idea what I was talking about.

[BC1980]

So after I cut off complete contact for two months. No Facebook, no texts, no phone calls, everything blocked. She emails me that she needs to talk to me and tells me that before I stopped talking to her that she found out that she was pregnant and then had an abortion all without telling me. She also tells me she loves me she wants to make it work etc. but she also lives with the guy she currently has been hanging out with and that the sleep together even though they have multiple rooms. She tells me all of this and how much she loves me. First off, if she loves me and wants to be with me she shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with someone else and how is that fair to me.

 

Interestingly she told me her mom is the only person she told about being pregnant and having an abortion with my kid and that it couldn't be anyone else's. so I called her mom and her mom had no idea what I was talking about.

 

My first reaction would be that I don't believe her about the abortion. I think it's just a way to get your interest. I especially don't believe her because her mom has no idea what she is talking about. She sounds unpredictable, and the best thing for you to do is to distance yourself from her completely. Blocker her, and don't look back. You don't deserve to deal with this kind of mess. It's pretty low to say she had an abortion when I think we can be pretty sure it never happened. That's about as low as it gets when trying to get someone's interest.

[Caliguy30]

It just sucks being someone like me who actually cares what that means unlike her. I guess I'm thinking of the slim chance if she was. I wish there was a way the doctor that she says she went to could release me the information. It sucks.

[flitzanu]

apparently her new life banging this new guy isn't working out the way she thought, so why not contact the guy that adored her while she treated him like crap?

 

she's trying to drag you into her drama and string you along. you know you're better than this, and you know you can see through this.

[BC1980]

It just sucks being someone like me who actually cares what that means unlike her. I guess I'm thinking of the slim chance if she was. I wish there was a way the doctor that she says she went to could release me the information. It sucks.

 

No, there is no way to get any medical information without her signing a consent form for you to do so. I'm thinking it's pretty unlikely because she claimed her mother knew, correct? Then, the mom knows nothing of it. There is her first lie. Likely, she lied about the abortion all together and didn't think you would call her mom.

 

I know it's really difficult to see a person for who he/she is when you love them. It's d@mn near impossible, but this girl is bad news. She sounds like a train wreck with a lot of emotional issues. Don't contact her at all. Don't answer the email.

[Tressugar]

Don't know if I've commented on this before, but my husband's ex wife is narcissistic/bpd. I had to get a restraining order against her because she literally lost it when her husband moved on. And my husband and I have to still deal with her bs. No man wants to deal with her. I even paid my cousin to get her out of our hair and he couldn't deal with her. He backed out. And he likes to date any and all women it doesn't matter to him.

[Caliguy30]

I just want answers. She's playing all the normal games she was playing before. Seeing me only at certain times. Pissing me off then hanging up so I just get more upset and can't sleep. She sucks.

[Eagle755]

You're not alone. My ex is bpd, **** ended harsh just a month ago

Played games with me so ridiculously hard. And now I'm pretty screwed up. Lots of mental anguish.

[SoThatHappened]

I just want answers. She's playing all the normal games she was playing before. Seeing me only at certain times. Pissing me off then hanging up so I just get more upset and can't sleep. She sucks.

 

Dude, I don't know what more needs to be said. Run away, man. Seeeeeeriously.

 

You're wasting your life dealing with a person that is toxic, needs help, and is in no way able to sustain a healthy relationship.

 

Man up. Your heart WILL mend.

 

You need to stop this.

 

Everyone needs to vent, and this forum is so helpful, but you have to move on.

 

You're wasting time dealing with her. Live your life, fix yourself, and you'll find the right person. You obviously have personal issues you need to fix at the same time. I say this not to be a jerk, but because I've dealt with someone similar, and have realized I have things I need to work on.

 

Live your own life. Let it go. She is not good for you. Nor is it good to have her in your life. You HAVE to push this experience (from the day you met her until now) to the side... and move forward.

[BC1980]

I just want answers. She's playing all the normal games she was playing before. Seeing me only at certain times. Pissing me off then hanging up so I just get more upset and can't sleep. She sucks.

 

Do you mean you want answers to if she was really pregnant of just general answers as to why she acts this way?

[Haydn]

You are just prolonging cycle like I did. You will go insane if you do this.

[Caliguy30]

Do you mean you want answers to if she was really pregnant of just general answers as to why she acts this way?

 

I want answers to if she was pregnant.

[Justaguy30]

I recently got out of a relationship with a BPD sociopath, psychopath. It feels like ****. I am so broken after the things she did to me. They just have no idea how they make other people feel and they don't care. If its not over be glad it is. She will rip you to shreds and laugh as she walks away about how pathetic you are for loving her.

[KaliLove]

I want answers to if she was pregnant.

 

Even if she was (which I seriously doubt..I am almost positive it was just a ploy to get you to pay attention to her), she's not anymore, so why does it matter?

 

You don't want answers. You want reconnection. Admit it.

[Downtown]

She emails me that she needs to talk to me and tells me that before I stopped talking to her that she found out that she was pregnant and then had an abortion all without telling me.

Calif, do you seriously believe that this drama queen -- whom you've described as "manipulative" and throwing hissy fits over absolutely nothing -- could muster the self control to sit quietly on these two mega-bombs (being pregnant and, later, having the abortion)? If she is a BPDer as you believe, it is very hard to believe she would have been able to contain herself so as not to tell you before you stopped talking to her. Indeed, I can't imagine her not bringing it to your attention even after you had broken off contact with her.

[Justaguy30]

People with BPD are also normally pathological liars. My ex lies about everything even to her self. I mean she lives in some made up fantasy world that is built on solid lies. I have no doubt in my mind that this woman could have kept her mouth shut and manipulated everyone into anything. It is what they do.

[BC1980]

I want answers to if she was pregnant.

 

I understand you want to know, and you have a right to in my opinion. The question is: will you be able to find out for sure? I'm 100% certain she cannot be trusted, and you won't get a straight answer from her. In fact, based on her history, she is probably lying. Again, I find it very telling that she claims to have told her mother, yet the mother knows nothing about it. Of course, we could always argue that your ex told her mother to lie if you asked.

 

I just don't think there is a way to know beyond a doubt, but I don't think she was pregnant. It just seems a little too convenient. You drop off the face of the earth, so she has to find some way to reel you back in. What better way than to claim she is pregnant, but, since she knows you will find out she isn't in 9 months, she claims to have had an abortion. It's evil really, an evil genius and a sick person. You can neither prove nor disprove anything, so she has you caught in her web again.

 

I just don't know how you would go about finding out for sure. You basically have no rights to find out if she had an abortion, so that's a dead end. No clinic would release information about a patient, especially an abortion clinic. It would actually be a federal crime to do so. The only thing to go on is her past history, which, in my mind, would say that she was never pregnant to begin with.

[Caliguy30]

I'm about to have a complete meltdown. Every time I talk to her I get more upset. Then there's a good talk and it's better then all the hate again. Her telling me I'm a jerk because I bring up the pregnancy and why am I so emotional. This is ridiculous. I'm so hurt by someone who can't feel pain.

[Downtown]

People with BPD are also normally pathological liars. My ex lies about everything even to her self. I mean she lives in some made up fantasy world that is built on solid lies. I have no doubt in my mind that this woman could have kept her mouth shut and manipulated everyone into anything. It is what they do.

Justaguy, no, most BPDers are not pathological liars. You are confusing BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths, both of whom will lie at the drop of a hat when it suits them.

 

Granted, a substantial share of BPDers do lie manipulatively as you describe. The reason, however, is that many BPDers also have co-occurring NPD or ASPD and you are seeing the narcissistic or sociopathic traits. IME, roughly half of BPDers -- like most "normal" adults -- typically lie only when they are pushed into a corner and cannot extricate themselves without experiencing enormous shame.

 

The primitive defense mechanism that BPDers rely on heavily is not lying but, rather, projection. As an ego defense, projection is far superior because it occurs when the subconscious protects the conscious mind from seeing too much of reality. The subconscious achieves this by projecting nearly all hurtful feelings and thoughts onto the spouse or partner.

 

The beauty of projection, then, is it is entirely guilt free because the conscious mind is wholly unaware it is occurring. This is why BPDers usually truly believe the outrageous allegations coming out of their mouths. And this is why BPDers can be very convincing to third parties (e.g., the police) when describing an event that never really happened. They usually believe the nonsense they are saying. Hence, if Cali's Ex actually is manipulating him with a lie as I suspect, he likely is seeing a narcissistic or sociopathic trait -- not a BPD trait.

[BC1980]

I'm about to have a complete meltdown. Every time I talk to her I get more upset. Then there's a good talk and it's better then all the hate again. Her telling me I'm a jerk because I bring up the pregnancy and why am I so emotional. This is ridiculous. I'm so hurt by someone who can't feel pain.

 

Okay, I think we need to call this and say she lied about the pregnancy. She is not going to admit she lied. She is beyond mean and hateful to do this to you, and you don't deserve this. You talking to her is not going to solve anything, and I truly believe she is lying about being pregnant. If she wanted you back, she would have kept a baby. Most women would use that as a reason to trap a man if they wanted him back. Having an abortion would only push you away if she truly wanted you back. Coming from a woman, her story is so transparent, and it's just obvious that she is lying.

[changchewsoon]

I'm about to have a complete meltdown. Every time I talk to her I get more upset. Then there's a good talk and it's better then all the hate again. Her telling me I'm a jerk because I bring up the pregnancy and why am I so emotional. This is ridiculous. I'm so hurt by someone who can't feel pain.

 

It somehow seems like she doesn't possess the ability to experience remorse or guilt, and lack of empathy on her side.

 

One of the traits of BPD if you ask me.

 

How about shame? Based on your experience with her, how does she handle embarrassment and shame?

[flitzanu]

I'm about to have a complete meltdown. Every time I talk to her I get more upset. Then there's a good talk and it's better then all the hate again. Her telling me I'm a jerk because I bring up the pregnancy and why am I so emotional. This is ridiculous. I'm so hurt by someone who can't feel pain.

 

two options here.

 

one, you keep talking and keep being miserable.

 

two, you stop talking to her, and stop being miserable.

 

it's really just that simple, man. there's no need to overcomplicate this after so much time has passed, and the fact you're not with her and not going to be with her.

[Justaguy30]

I have done a lot of reading on breaking up with a Borderline and the conclusion that I have come to is that it will never make sense because they don't make sense. I know many people that have gone through this situation with a mentally ill person and they always make you feel like you are the one who ruined it even though they know it was them.

[FortunateSon]

I have done a lot of reading on breaking up with a Borderline and the conclusion that I have come to is that it will never make sense because they don't make sense. I know many people that have gone through this situation with a mentally ill person and they always make you feel like you are the one who ruined it even though they know it was them.

 

This is absolutely true.