My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful "only when I dress up for special occasions"?

[Leigh 87]

Sweetie,

 

I was bullied in high school and I am still dealing with an unhealthy need for validation from others. I am getting a lot better honestly, but I needed therapy to set about overcoming decades of severe bullying.

 

My ex and his friends also brought out the worst in me.

 

His friends would try to crack on to me ( I am talking about fully asking me to HAVE SEX with them) and then they would say " no WAY, I would never touch Leigh 87 with a ten foot pole, she is WAY too ugly for me". Meanwhile, their own gfs they tried to cheat on with me, were less attractive than me, I can pretty much guarantee everyone here would agree if they compared out pictures. I am not an ugly girl and get loads of male attention, enough to know I am at least not universally ugly.

 

Look, when your partner and his friends bring you down, it is a huge sign that it is the wrong relationship for you. Your boyfriend even told you that he didn't believe his mate was attracted to you? This is very telling. It is a sign that hits close to home for me.

 

Something is "off" with the way your boyfriend has acted. I have instinct. I know. Men here or women for that matter who don't have good instinct can not deduce that your bf is not that into you simply because his mate cracks onto you and he acts like you are not attractive enough for your mate to be into you, things like that I KNOW instantly are "off". A man truly in love wont doubt that another man could find his woman beautiful.

 

Can't you see that you are with this man for the WRONG reasons? You are staying with him because YOU love him and YOU are into him, and YOU are very attached to him and most likely, he is attached to you, too.

 

Clearly, he is not into you on THAT level, he doesn't share your values about being generous with your money if you are a high income earner. His friends are low life's. Your own boyfriend has hinted and showed you in clear ways that he is just not very attracted to you in the way a man is when he is TRULY in love.

 

Sweetie, my cousin got married to a Mexican girl. She is VERY overweight. He isn't. He is a successful, world class chef. They are SO in love! A very, very much in love couple.......It shouldn't MATTER if a woman is overweight or unattractive to the masses. These women still find men who are head over heels for them. It is NOT UNCOMMON. My aunt has ALWAYS been a very large woman due to illness. Her partner is has been madly in love with her for 50 years. I am sure the passion comes and goes as with anything long term, but they are STILL IN LOVE, and he ADORES HER.

 

I am very sorry you are suffering. I assure you, it is a quick, sharp pain for a while and then once you leave him, it DOES get better. You end up opening yourself up to a whole WORLD of men who are actually really attracted to you!

 

Yikes, when I was single again last year, I immediately encountered men who were VERY attracted to me. Do you know how I knew it? Because my ex was NOT that attracted to me, so it was like a breath of fresh air to have men who DID really like the way that I looked.

 

I really enjoyed the new dates I had with men who were clearly more attracted to me than my ex ever was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am not conventionally good looking to the masses yet I met my boyfriend about 6 months after my relationships break up.

 

It is like night and day... he gazes adoringly at me and tells me almost every day I am with him that " Leigh 87 you are the most beautiful woman in the world to me". He says it with such conviction that I have no doubt he is truly in love with me and that is why he feels this way towards me. NOT because I AM actually a great beauty; I am not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a lot of happiness and joy lying ahead of you if you are brave enough to take that step.

 

Imagine being with a man who makes you feel beautiful to him, and totally 100% desired and wanted?

 

There is no more " gawd I wish I had what my bfs friend has with HIS pretty gf, I wish MY bf adored me the way in which my boyfriends FRIEND adores his gf"

[USMCHokie]

I would find it offensive if a man picked me as a work in progress to mold me to his preferences. Plenty of people do this but I see this as either their not being able to attract whom they really want or they are simply being controlling to the extent that they don't accept anything outside their tightly set preferences. I see both of those as character flaws

 

Neither would be an ideal partner for me. I think that a person should try to accept you as you are when you meet, otherwise the two of you have no business being together.

 

There is also of course the question whether the other person knows better what is or what isn't attractive on you. I mean... who are they to decide that you aren't good enough in your current form?

 

Now if changes happen - as they will long term - to someone that's under their control, then that's a different matter. You know my views on putting weight on for example. That's quite different from constantly evaluating someone's looks and personality as if we were in school.

 

It is also a slippery slope since you will never be perfect, no matter how you try. It's the same thing as those guys training purely for looks. Never happy...

 

I feel I'm entitled to find someone who likes me and attracted to me for who I am because I strive to do the same. There is something very special about feeling that the person loves you and finds you attractive as you are as opposed to some puppet they want to mold you into because they can't find anything better.

 

Hence the importance of compatibility between two people. If they are truly compatible, then they each won't feel like a puppet for the other. That is, me doing me appeals to her, and her doing her appeals to me. Me pointing out something about her helps her achieve what she wants, and her pointing out something about me helps me achieve what I want.

 

 

But if you have two people on two different sheets of music, then you will have two unhappy people, where each is never good enough for the other. But I think we are all lifelong "projects," and it's a special thing when you are not only attracted to each other, but also complement each other as "projects"... Of course you should accept each other as is, but you should also both strive for more.

[man_in_the_box]

Can it be that this guy just doesn't give a rats ass about physical appearance and doesn't understand it's an important validation for many others?

[Emilia]

Hence the importance of compatibility between two people. If they are truly compatible, then they each won't feel like a puppet for the other. That is, me doing me appeals to her, and her doing her appeals to me. Me pointing out something about her helps her achieve what she wants, and her pointing out something about me helps me achieve what I want.

 

But if you have two people on two different sheets of music, then you will have two unhappy people, where each is never good enough for the other. But I think we are all lifelong "projects," and it's a special thing when you are not only attracted to each other, but also complement each other as "projects"... Of course you should accept each other as is, but you should also both strive for more.

But what you are describing is codependence, losing your own identity to someone stronger who is forming you. A person should be a completely separate entity from you and they shouldn't do things to appeal to you. They should appeal to you because they are their own person and you should find their uniqueness and independence attractive.

[Emilia]

Can it be that this guy just doesn't give a rats ass about physical appearance and doesn't understand it's an important validation for many others?

I'm yet to meet a man who doesn't give a rat's ass about physical appearance.

[man_in_the_box]

I'm yet to meet a man who doesn't give a rat's ass about physical appearance.

 

Well yes I presume 'those' are rare but there's definitely a strong variation in how much they care ranging from not that much to extreme.

[Tayken]

I'm yet to meet a man who doesn't give a rat's ass about physical appearance.

 

 

There are many out there...for women on the other hand, they pick a guy based solely on what he looks like, so they can show him off to their friends. It doesn't matter if this guy is unemployed, has a criminal record, is a drunk or violent....the looks clouds their judgement until the ugly side raises its head

[Els]

Can it be that this guy just doesn't give a rats ass about physical appearance and doesn't understand it's an important validation for many others?

 

I agree that this is possible.

 

But given that the OP's bf is predisposed to ogling other women in front of her, I doubt that is the right explanation for this particular case.

[Sweeetie]

Hi guys,

 

He and I just came back from a vacation in Sardinia in Italy. We got into arguments over him ogling the Italian chicks, not surprisingly. This is when I give up, I broke up with him.

 

What's worse, I spent ages trying to look nice for this vacation, doing things I don't normally do like getting a manicure and pedicure and other beauty treatments. I had also spent ages finding a bikini which he really likes by sending him pics of me wearing different ones and asking him to choose the one he likes best for me to take on vacation. I am just so sick of all this now and so many other problems are there, I will never go back.

 

Thanks for all your posts.

[Mrs Carter]

What's worse, I spent ages trying to look nice for this vacation, doing things I don't normally do like getting a manicure and pedicure and other beauty treatments. I had also spent ages finding a bikini which he really likes by sending him pics of me wearing different ones and asking him to choose the one he likes best for me to take on vacation.

I think you made the right decision.

 

You really shouldn't ever try to please a man (or anyone) to this degree. You must keep your own identity in a relationship. If he doesn't like you enough, it doesn't matter how hard you try anyway.

[Sweeetie]

I think you made the right decision.

 

You really shouldn't ever try to please a man (or anyone) to this degree. You must keep your own identity in a relationship. If he doesn't like you enough, it doesn't matter how hard you try anyway.

 

You're right. It just annoys me that I spend hours and a lot of effort trying to look good for him, yet his eyes stray to girls who didn't put in any time and effort for him.

 

He also kept encouraging me to lose weight when he saw me in my bikini, even though I'm a slim US size 4 - 6. He likes the size 0 look.

[Tayken]

OP...if he doesn't like you for who you are, then you are with the wrong guy! I mean how old are you two, in your 20s or something where being superficial is rampant?

 

You can tell him too that...he is handsome when he dresses business like, smells good and shows some chivalry

 

See how he feels about that

[Sweeetie]

My ex was attracted to me but I could tell that I didn't exactly take his breath away:lmao:

 

You can just tell by the way a guy looks at you.

 

My ex would study me -- because he thought I was weird and studied my strange mannerisms. There was not a look of adoration in his eyes. He just really liked me as a person and thought I was interesting to look at.

 

Current boyfriend showed me what it is to have a guy glance at you "adoringly". He just sits and stares at me in the " you are so beautiful" kind of way.

 

 

You have highlighted that you can tell a difference between the way your " boyfriend" looks at you, in comparison to the way his best mate stares adoringly at HIS "hot" girlfriend. YOU KNOW something is off but you are too scared to leave him for good.

 

You are too weak at this stage to ignore his " but I miss you, come back" if you WERE to leave him.... you sound like you would get sucked right back in AS I DID with my ex:lmao:

 

Sigh. If only you knew that in a years time, you could be over this jerk and onto a much better prospect, or single and waiting for a guy who truly dos think you are beautiful.

 

OMG, I am exactly in the same situation as you were, almost word for word. Anytime I catch him 'staring' at me, it always follows by him pointing out something weird that he finds about me. "You've got chocolate on your face" etc. It very rarely is a "you look pretty" kind of look. Even when he looked at me for the first time in my bikini he just looked for a millisecond then went back to whatever he was doing. His only comment about it was "the top looks a bit unsymmetrical, adjust it".

 

And yes, it makes me feel very envious of the attention that his friends' girls get from them.

 

Now I have broken up with him and this, together with a lot of other problems, makes me never want to go back there.

Edited August 6, 2014 by Sweeetie