My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful "only when I dress up for special occasions"?

[Els]

Yeah, pretty much, Phoe. Frankly, even looking at gestures, her bf's actions say all that need to be said - ogling other women while with his gf is a huge red flag.

[OhThatGirl]

Let's face it. This has very little to do with his answer and a lot more to do with the overall level of comfort in the relationship. She's not feeling he's attracted to her so she has to ask (red flag) and then doesn't like his answer.

 

Sounds like he's young and hasn't figured out how to answer these loaded questions (likewise OP sounds young enough to ask these loaded questions) and it's a small glimpse of the overall relationship's bigger issues.

 

Bottom line. If you don't think he's attracted to you, if you feel his attention is elsewhere, if you're needing reassurance you should do two things: work on your self esteem and know that in old pajamas you're still beautiful ALSO if you're quite happy with yourself regardless of what you're wearing, look at his behavior and determine if this is indeed something bigger than his comment.

 

If, after you are sure you're beautiful despite what you're wearing, he doesn't see it.. It's time to let him go.

[Sweeetie]

Thanks for all your replies so far guys, I really appreciate it.

 

I know that it might have seemed immature for me to ask my boyfriend if he thinks I'm pretty. The truth is that I felt the need to ask him because he normally doesn't make me feel like he is all that attracted to me, and also because I have issues with insecurity.

 

At school I used to be bullied about being ugly, this was partly because I was a little overweight back then but I don't think it was the only thing. Having people constantly tell you you're ugly while you're going through your crucial teen years does unfortunately have a long-term effect and it does make one insecure. As a single adult when I would go out with girl friends, I was always the one to be left in the dark while my friends were being hit on by guys. This is why I am still quite insecure about my appearance.

 

And for my boyfriend of all people to tell me I'm not hot- I fear that being with him will destroy me in terms of taking away my self-esteem. No matter how good a guy is to you, I believe that he needs to make you feel confident and good about yourself. I am not saying that my boyfriend should be dishonest with me, I am saying that I might be better off with a guy who does find me hot. But as I said, my boyfriend shows me more love and care than all my previous boyfriends put together. He is just an honest guy who said what he thinks. I really don't know what to do

Edited February 17, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Eivuwan]

Thanks for all your replies so far guys, I really appreciate it.

 

I know that it might have seemed immature for me to ask my boyfriend if he thinks I'm pretty. The truth is that I felt the need to ask him because he normally doesn't make me feel like he is all that attracted to me, and also because I have issues with insecurity.

 

At school I used to be bullied about being ugly, this was partly because I was a little overweight back then but I don't think it was the only thing. Having people constantly tell you you're ugly while you're going through your crucial teen years does unfortunately have a long-term effect and it does make one insecure. As a single adult when I would go out with girl friends, I was always the one to be left in the dark while my friends were hit on by guys. This is why I am still quite insecure about my appearance.

 

And for my boyfriend of all people to tell me I'm not hot- I fear that being with him will destroy me in terms of taking away my self-esteem. No matter how good a guy is to you, I believe that he needs to make you feel confident and good about yourself. I am not saying that my boyfriend should be dishonest with me, I am saying that I might be better off with a guy who does find me hot. But as I said, my boyfriend shows me more love and care than all my previous boyfriends put together. He is just an honest guy who said what he thinks. I really don't know what to do

 

I don't think we should rely on our boyfriends for confidence about our looks. Given that, a boyfriend who is only physically attracted to you when you dress up and who looks at other women a lot are bad signs.

[Sweeetie]

...a boyfriend who is only physically attracted to you when you dress up and who looks at other women a lot are bad signs.

 

I know. And it is having an effect on my relationship, to the point that I feel afraid to introduce my boyfriend to some stunning girl friends of mine for fear that he will ogle at them uncontrollably in front of me. No girlfriend should have to feel like this. Deep down I think that he wishes he could have got a hotter girlfriend, just ended up with me coz I was the only one who was available.

[melodymatters]

I posted back a bit ago but I think it got lost in all those crazy, woman hating rants from that one user ! lol

 

What you NEED to ask yourself sweetie is :Is he socially clueless or is he manipulative ? My guy from the past was manipulative, he purposely withheld compliments : The one time I came down the stairs in a size zero white lycra dress with snakeskin boots, everyone in the room was like "Ahhhh" His remark ? Those boots cut off your legs and make you look short and stumpy. LOL

 

To this day he still has not had a healthy relationship.

 

If your guy just is young and dumb and doesn't know how to answer questions gracefully, he can probably be taught and all will be well.

 

Example girl question " Do you find me as attractive as you did your ex's?"

 

Stupid guy answer " Well, Heidi WAS a model, but you know, your cute and all, I have sex with you don't I ?"

 

Smart guy answer " Baby, I don't even remember what they looked like ! You have ( insert one true thing here) the most beautiful eyes/sexiest butt/ gorgeous smile, all I know Is I love you and couldn't imagine being with anyone else !"

 

I too now have a man who because he loves me and WANTS me to feel good, he will tell me I'm gorgeous when my hair is a mess, eyes glued shut with sleep staggering out of bed in ratty sleep clothes, and I'm not as "Hot" now as I was when I dated MR. Jerkhole.

 

So, is he kind and just "guy stupid", or mean and manipulative ? If you can answer that, you will have your answer.

Edited February 17, 2014 by melodymatters
spelling

[Tayken]

OP...sitting here having my tea after a day at work, even though it's provincial family day here today (Am a federal worker)

 

Something for you........

[Sweeetie]

Hey guys

 

This thread's been dormant for a while but I thought I would add an update.

 

Now it's got to the point where my boyfriend doesn't even make me feel pretty when I do wear a nice dress. We've been together to a few special occasions these last few weeks where I've put a real effort into my appearance to impress him, and it's more often than not ended in my heart sinking. He never notices, let alone looks at me. Last night was the Summer Party at his workplace where you could bring a partner, and I spent ages getting ready for the party, feeling excited what he would say when he saw me. He wasn't too impressed when he saw me, instead pointing out a scar I had on my face which he hadn't noticed before.

 

We have been together for almost 11 months, but now I really can't see this relationship lasting much longer.

[d0nnivain]

That's a shame but if your emotional needs aren't being met, getting out is a good option.

[Gaeta]

Sweetie, people are in relationships to enhance each others life. He stopped enhancing yours a long time ago. It's time to let this go.

[Emilia]

He wasn't too impressed when he saw me, instead pointing out a scar I had on my face which he hadn't noticed before.

When a guy gets picky about the 'negatives', it's time to leave.

[BlueIris]

Hey guys

 

This thread's been dormant for a while but I thought I would add an update.

 

Now it's got to the point where my boyfriend doesn't even make me feel pretty when I do wear a nice dress. We've been together to a few special occasions these last few weeks where I've put a real effort into my appearance to impress him, and it's more often than not ended in my heart sinking. He never notices, let alone looks at me. Last night was the Summer Party at his workplace where you could bring a partner, and I spent ages getting ready for the party, feeling excited what he would say when he saw me. He wasn't too impressed when he saw me, instead pointing out a scar I had on my face which he hadn't noticed before.

 

We have been together for almost 11 months, but now I really can't see this relationship lasting much longer.

 

I'm sorry to hear that but can certainly understand ending a relationship with someone who picks rather than appreciates. The first year with someone reveals a lot.

[Keenly]

It sounds like he does not appreciate you, but you have to remember that no one can "make" you feel anything.

[central]

He may think you're beautiful, but not say it much. Many men aren't verbal, as you may know. Actions also mean far more than mere words, and you say his actions show consistent love and affection. That should mean the most.

 

Are you insecure that you need constant reassurance about how you look? Do you compliment him regularly about being handsome, or strong, or sexy? Or is this a double standard?

[Zahara]

We have been together for almost 11 months, but now I really can't see this relationship lasting much longer.

 

You have at least two pages of threads, about this guy and every each one you've titled sums up his lack of regard, love and sensitivity towards you. Go back and look at your history for an eye-opener.

 

You keep repeating that you can't see the realtionship lasting much longer. You end. Then you get back together and before you know it, you're on LS creating another thread about "my boyfriend".

 

The writing was on the wall a long time ago. You keep trying to twist every which way to get this guy to want and love you. It isn't happening.

[serial muse]

OP, are you still doing that upcoming teaching course? I sure hope so.

 

In one of your earlier threads (the one about who pays) I said that he doesn't sound like a complete jerk, but that he also doesn't sound invested in you.

 

I have revised that opinion. I think he is a jerk.

 

Please, dump him, and soon. This isn't going to get better and it will continue to eat away at you. He's not an uplifter, he's a bring-downer. I'll bet he knows all about your image issues and yet he still picks away at you in various ways. Yes, it's not a good idea to beg him for reassurance about your looks, but then, he's definitely setting up a situation fraught with anxiety, and he doesn't seem to care. He is the last sort of person you should be with.

 

Meh. Who needs it? Time for him to turn those special talents on someone else, and you can go off and do your teaching course and be happy again. It's a very good thing that you have a natural break coming up. Take advantage of it! Move forward!

[GemmaUK]

OP I just read your posts on here..skimmed a few more.

 

While I do think that asking 'am I pretty/beautiful' is a bit....well you know..as you felt awkward posting it.

 

A few things to point out though.

 

1. You mention he is very loving...presumably kind generous..a charmer perhaps?

 

2. Ogling other women. You wouldn't mention this if he didn't do it.

 

3. You are looking all lovely and he mentions a scar on your face. No 'you look nice' at all.

 

# 1 and 3

The same things happened to me with one man I dated.

 

Long story, no need for that here but he was controlling and abusive.

Little things 'inconsequential things' that made me think 'eh? ' over several months.

I say he was controlling and abusive - he made major attempts at it and at running me down (I was in the wrong around 3 times per week usually).

 

He was hugely insecure and called his ex's awful names.

 

He was a great charmer though...treated me better (and more importantly far FAR worse) than anyone else I have ever been in a relationship with.

 

 

 

 

It sounds like he does not appreciate you, but you have to remember that no one can "make" you feel anything.

 

A controller or abuser can wear you down in such small and insignificant ways that you are beaten...slowly and gradually.

If they are a major person in your life then absolutely they CAN 'make you feel'!!

[solway86]

I would say he's being a bit shallow, being a bit of a jerk.

 

Being beautiful comes in many different ways, not just dressing fancy.

 

I bet he would not like it if you said he only looked beautiful when dressed in finely-tailored expensive suits but he was ugly in jeans and T-shirt; or if you said he only looked beautiful when topless and with a six-pack, assuming he has one.

 

Unless you can resolve this with him, then leave him, is all I can really say.

[Sweeetie]

Hey guys,

 

I appreciate your views on this but my boyfriend isn't the kind of person who would deliberately hurt anyone, I know him well. He is someone who says exactly what he thinks without any kind of filter, even to his girlfriend. It's just a shame that he truly doesn't feel I'm much of a catch. I don't know if you've read my other recent thread but one of his friends hit on me and my boyfriend didn't believe for a second that this guy could be attracted to me.

 

I know I need to get out of a relationship where a man makes me feel this way. It's just that most other things like his kindness are so nice that it's hard to find that again, I've been with other men before.

[somedude81]

Hey guys,

 

I appreciate your views on this but my boyfriend isn't the kind of person who would deliberately hurt anyone, I know him well. He is someone who says exactly what he thinks without any kind of filter, even to his girlfriend. It's just a shame that he truly doesn't feel I'm much of a catch. I don't know if you've read my other recent thread but one of his friends hit on me and my boyfriend didn't believe for a second that this guy could be attracted to me.

 

I know I need to get out of a relationship where a man makes me feel this way. It's just that most other things like his kindness are so nice that it's hard to find that again, I've been with other men before.

 

Kindness...where?

[serial muse]

Hey guys,

 

I appreciate your views on this but my boyfriend isn't the kind of person who would deliberately hurt anyone, I know him well. He is someone who says exactly what he thinks without any kind of filter, even to his girlfriend. It's just a shame that he truly doesn't feel I'm much of a catch. I don't know if you've read my other recent thread but one of his friends hit on me and my boyfriend didn't believe for a second that this guy could be attracted to me.

 

I know I need to get out of a relationship where a man makes me feel this way. It's just that most other things like his kindness are so nice that it's hard to find that again, I've been with other men before.

 

So maybe he'll be a great friend.

 

The things he says make you feel bad about yourself and he doesn't seem to feel any responsibility to dial it back. Well, IME, people who claim to "tell it like it is" generally do so because it's too much bother to consider others' feelings. You, on the other hand, are going overboard to try to shield him from criticism! Not sure he deserves that (or, apparently, would even want it, assuming he's not a hypocrite). But hey.

 

Regardless, I think it's always reasonable to expect that your partner will take your feelings into account.

 

But at the very least, as you say, he's not the right one for you.

Edited July 25, 2014 by serial muse

[Sweeetie]

 

Well, IME, people who claim to "tell it like it is" generally do so because it's too much bother to consider others' feelings. You, on the other hand, are going overboard to try to shield him from criticism! Not sure he deserves that (or, apparently, would even want it, assuming he's not a hypocrite). But hey.

 

 

Oh I have brought up my feelings on this with him, and all he says in reply is "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't find you attractive". Something that I've always believed is that actions speak louder than words and for that I have never felt he truly means it. It often leads to arguments between us where he feels I criticise him too much

[ja123]

Does he have Asperger's or something?

 

 

Even so, would you really want to put up with this?

 

 

Even tougher to take in the long-term, no? You're still supposed to be in the honeymoon stage.

 

 

This is going to get worse.

 

 

Imagine being in a LTR with this guy was the sex and luster have worn off and you're left feeling really lonely not have your emotional needs meet.

 

 

I'd suggest you get out now.

[Sweeetie]

Does he have Asperger's or something?

 

 

Even so, would you really want to put up with this?

 

 

Even tougher to take in the long-term, no? You're still supposed to be in the honeymoon stage.

 

 

This is going to get worse.

 

 

Imagine being in a LTR with this guy was the sex and luster have worn off and you're left feeling really lonely not have your emotional needs meet.

 

 

I'd suggest you get out now.

 

Interesting that you suggest Aspergers, since I've been thinking the same in the past few months due to his inability to communicate. I can never talk to him about anything, even day to day stuff; his eyes just wander away from me and glaze over. The lack of communication has made me lose interest considerably and he is trying to improve it, I've spoken to him about my needs not being met in this field.

 

I know it might be the wrong relationship for me, I just can't let go at present. I'm going away to start a course at the end of the summer (not that far just a 2-hour train ride away) so distance will help me to make a decision in due course.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Sweeetie

[ja123]

Well, good luck to you. Whether his behavior is intentional or not, you need to assess whether this is something you'd be happy living with.

 

 

It takes two to tango, don't forget. He needs to put in effort as well, and it's still not easy.

 

 

Keep an open-mind that although he's the one man who's been kindest to you yet, you are also judging his kindness relative to your previous experience.

 

 

Who's to say that you can't find someone even better?!

 

 

Don't be afraid to be alone, until the right one comes along.

 

 

If you're tied up with this guy, then you're essentially off the market to other better suited partners.

 

 

Life is short. Especially if you're a woman who might want to start a family one day. It's too easy to throw away time (years even!) on the wrong guy. You've been together 11 months already. How is this progressing?

 

 

You might want to check out the website baggagereclaim.

 

 

Good luck!