Untouchable_Fire Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Yes I believe that while not overly promiscuous for these days she indeed have a history of "random hookups" when she was single. Her wide circle of friends (remembering we have many common circles of friends) are fairly neutral. I don't see her social circle as the issue. She's really not much a attention seeking person, fairly low maintenance compared to my first wife or other women I have known. Maybe it's less about the attention and more about just feeling lonely, or wanting to be single again? I'm not sure I could so easily forgive this and recommit. An affair is one thing... This has no rhyme or reason. It's also crazy hard to catch this kind of cheating, so you will never know if she is really faithful moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
In Like Flynn Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Well I would need to know if the actual number of hookups were higher... so threaten to have her take a polygraph;) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Bump in the road?!?! Dude, you got Everest on the road! I'm not going to pull any punches either. You sound like a very successful man. You have a residence AND a vacation home?!"! You provide her with a very comfortable lifestyle. She doesn't want to lose that. Sorry dude. You need to kick her to the curb. You still need to travel for work. You're never going to have 100% trust in her. And you can't live like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Bump in the road? Talk about a person being in deep denial. This is really sad. Clearly there is nobody as blind as a person who refuses to see. Amazing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I can't believe you're going to try and work through this!! Find some self respect. If my partner had cheated on me with multiple other women I'd not give a moments thought on ending it immediately. Friend of mine has just been through the same...very similar ages....she was/is a multiple cheater. My friend has some balls though and told her where to get off...she's now shacked up with another man (even older this time, and even more wealthy)...probably cheating on him too. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) I can't believe she's done this crap to you and you reward her crappy behavior by taking her off for a long weekend. Nice job = reward that bad behavior. Keep that up and she will keep doing more of what she's used to doing! Crap behind your back and get rewards! Unbelievable. Consequences usually work better! Scaring her $hitless might obtain a different outcome. Let's say she was out on the curb with one packed bag and no car and no where to go - then she might get the idea she needs to change, eh? But vacationing after learning how much cheating she's done to you? Man that's amazing to me! She cheated because she wanted to! That's why. She cheated because she can. There's no way to trust her again. It's in her blood to want random sex without attachment. Most would deem that a woman who is void of emotional attachment - no wonder she had no problem stabbing you in the back. Is she willing to address the desires she has that you can't fulfill? Are you willing to say ok to your wife having sex with strangers for the remainder of your marriage? She may not be willing to tell you her truth - but I'd bet money her hookups continue and she just gets better at hiding it. You either stay married knowing this IS exactly who she is! Or - you get divorced knowing this is exactly who she is. She's not likely to quit - she just needs you to quit watching her activities so much. And IF you stay married and she can't cheat = you may be left with a VERY miserable gal that wants multiple men but won't tell you that one is not enough. This is far from a bump in the road - she has huge character defects and you're just not acknowledging it for what it is. And who she is. You can't make a dog into a cat! That's what you're asking her to do. She may say she's sorry - but I bet she's just sorry she got caught! Beware of her overcompensating = lots of sex will make a man overlook bad behavior. Edited February 16, 2014 by 2sunny Link to post Share on other sites
Author DasPope Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 All I can say is that I'm not the kind of person to throw away a 4 year investment in a relationship with someone I love deeply without making sure I've done everything in my power to make it work. All relationships have their ups and downs and sometimes it's the flaws that make you appreciate the good things. The bitter and vitriolic hatred and anger being expressed here by some posters while I'm sure is well meaning and perhaps relating to their own situation is completely foreign to my feelings. I'm angry, disappointed and hurt by whats happened but I certainly have no desire to hurt my wife in return. Acceptance, understanding and forgiveness of one's partners flaws or poor judgement are an essential part of all truly loving relationships. The absolute last thing I want to do is divorce or separate. I am as I mentioned quite optimistic about the future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) All I can say is that I'm not the kind of person to throw away a 4 year investment in a relationship with someone You've invested 4 years... how vested was your wife? No very much! That is the point. We aren't ganging up on you. Most of us have been there. I'm being kind: you are in denial. It's okay. It's normal. The reality of the situation (your wife banging other dudes for the sport of it) will eventually enter into your mindset. When it does, you'll see things much differently. It has been said that the person that invests the least in the marriage, is the one who cheats. I tend to believe that in most cases. Keep going to IC and MC. It is useful regardless on how this plays out. PS - Your "relationship with someone" was NOT what you thought it was. Your wife is not who you thought she was. That is part of the denial process. 4 years is getting off easy compared to some BSs who call it quits after many more years and children. Edited February 16, 2014 by Betrayed&Stayed Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 No one is ganging up on you, we have all been in your shoes and often we don't see the trees for the forest because we are too close to it. You are married 2 years and there is the potential of 3-5 other men as far as you know(they will only confess to what you know). We all wanted to believe our spouse's were different, that they all used protection(a lie they all tell because the exchange of body fluids is part of the rush) and when they promise they will never do it again we all wanted to believe them, after all they swore on their grandmothers grave. The one thing you can believe for sure is she isn't trustworthy, she lies, she isn't as committed to your marriage as you are and she is willing to put your health at risk if an opportunity to get some strange arise's. Age has nothing to do with this, this is about integrity, boundaries and commitment to a relationship. If nothing changes and she continue's to have the same facilitator friends guess what you can expect in your future. The best predictor of your future together is to look at your history. Friend, this girl is damaged and needs some professional counselling, someone with FOO and infidelity experience. I sent you a private message several days ago. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 No one is ganging up, but the effect is the same. You know it and everyone who spends enough time in here knows it. There is a position that exists in this space that REFUSES to believe ANYONE should give their spouse another chance, that THEY KNOW the TRUTH about a situation that is not their own, that their OWN PAIN justifies their insulting the intelligence and abusing ANY BS that makes the decision NOT to go straight for divorce. The majority of these people took the DIVORCE route and so why they think they have ALL the answers, especially for strategies that they themselves did not entertain, is rather disheartening. If you haven't tried reconciliation, then FINE, but that does not mean that those that do are STUPID, DUPED, DELUSIONAL, ASLEEP at the wheel or in DENIAL. If you can say that his "wife is not who he thought she was" then maybe those who believe he is living in denial could also entertain the idea, just for a moment, that NOT trying to SALVAGE his relationship would mean that HE IS NOT THE PERSON WHO HE THOUGHT HE WAS. And in my book, while we think we can know someone completely, life, not just infidelities proves us otherwise, but to find out WE ARE NOT WHO WE SAY WE ARE, this is far more important. There are a lot of BS's in here who will tell you the opposite: Any "infidelity" we believed to be a DEAL BREAKER. IN many cases, myself included, I had the luxury of believing that because I never imagined my S would have an A. Now I am awake, and I learned that it was NOT a deal breaker for me. Now I know more about who I really am. But my WW remains a mystery to me. I didn't say anything about divorce, reconciliation, or deal-breakers. I didn't insult the OP with STUPID, DELUSIONAL, or any derogatory terms. I only addresses his denial, which is to be expected. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I never said you did: The majority of these people took the DIVORCE route and so why they think they have ALL the answers, especially for strategies that they themselves did not entertain, is rather disheartening. If you haven't tried reconciliation, then FINE, but that does not mean that those that do are STUPID, DUPED, DELUSIONAL, ASLEEP at the wheel or in DENIAL. Hey, I'm pro-relationship and pro-marriage...well, when there IS a marriage to save. The problem is, they been married for two years and she has never been faithful. Hell, she wasn't even faithful BEFORE the marriage. So, I'm still in the corner of moving on from this. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Acceptance, understanding and forgiveness of one's partners flaws or poor judgement are an essential part of all truly loving relationships. The absolute last thing I want to do is divorce or separate. I am as I mentioned quite optimistic about the future. I wish I could be so forgiving, and to be able to give up a bit (a lot) of my ego like you. We are different, me and you. I think if I were in your position i couldn't get over my feelings, my ego, the humiliation, and the sence of primitive justice says "she must suffer like me, she must be punished as a revenge and as an assurance she will remember her suffering when she has a chance to cheat in the future. I think that a man who can forgive like you, is a better man. much better than me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I'm a big believer in being forgiving. But if it includes disrespecting self I don't agree. At what point do you decide to call it quits? You need a healthy understanding of where you draw the line. Have you been tested for diseases? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 OP, it sounds like you are in a very serious state of denial about the truth you've learned about your marriage. You're very willing to sweep this under the rug & not disrupt the happy life you thought you'd just started with your new wife. You're minimizing it ("we all have our flaws", slight bump in the road etc) to avoid having to really face what this means. To have had several ONS in just 2 years of marriage, even in 4 years total relationship, is pretty telling about your Ws commitment to your marriage. These aren't even guys she's found a connection with, just random guys for sex! She's only 28 & has a lot of years ahead of her...I understand that it's hard to really face this, but nows the time for you to step up & decide if you are really ok with this & the high probability it will continue as the years go on. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 All I can say is that I'm not the kind of person to throw away a 4 year investment in a relationship with someone I love deeply without making sure I've done everything in my power to make it work. All relationships have their ups and downs and sometimes it's the flaws that make you appreciate the good things. The bitter and vitriolic hatred and anger being expressed here by some posters while I'm sure is well meaning and perhaps relating to their own situation is completely foreign to my feelings. I'm angry, disappointed and hurt by whats happened but I certainly have no desire to hurt my wife in return. Acceptance, understanding and forgiveness of one's partners flaws or poor judgement are an essential part of all truly loving relationships. The absolute last thing I want to do is divorce or separate. I am as I mentioned quite optimistic about the future. So many wonderful sentiments - it reads like a valentines card. If you have you course charted, why do you continue to post here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DasPope Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Why indeed did I respond? I'm not sure but I can now see that I might have made a mistake in asking for advice here. This place seems to be full of crazed angry bitter and twisted people who have no concept of what it means to love and don't seem to understand my feelings about my situation. This makes me sad for them and also very determined not to end up bitter and twisted like them. It's best for me if I deal with this without all the poisonous rhetoric. There have been a few exceptions and for those I am thankful for the kind thoughts. Edited February 17, 2014 by DasPope 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Why indeed did I respond? I'm not sure but I can now see that I might have made a mistake in asking for advice here. This place seems to be full of crazed angry bitter and twisted people who have no concept of what it means to love and don't seem to understand my feelings about my situation. This makes me sad for them and also very determined not to end up bitter and twisted like them. It's best for me if I deal with this without all the poisonous rhetoric. There have been a few exceptions and for those I am thankful for the kind thoughts. You are throwing poop at the people trying to help you. If you were wanting to tell your story and have people blow sunshine up your butt and tell you what a good person you are and how you should be praised for being so accommodating and tolerant of your wife's behavior, then yes, you made a mistake coming here. People here hate to see other people mistreated, BS'd and manipulated and call for people being mistreated to take action to stand up for themselves and their own best interests. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Why indeed did I respond? I'm not sure but I can now see that I might have made a mistake in asking for advice here. This place seems to be full of crazed angry bitter and twisted people who have no concept of what it means to love and don't seem to understand my feelings about my situation. This makes me sad for them and also very determined not to end up bitter and twisted like them. It's best for me if I deal with this without all the poisonous rhetoric. There have been a few exceptions and for those I am thankful for the kind thoughts. You can't see it now because it is too soon for you. The trauma is too fresh. What you are offering your wife is CHEAP GRACE. Nothing good can come from it. We are trying to help you! Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I hear that you want to do everything you can to save your marriage. Your attitude and willingness to delve deeper into your relationship issues should be respected. It is truly unfortunate that there are a few posters here unable to support you, especially during these initial stages of discovery and truth seeking. This forum does have a few members who are pro-marriage and pro-reconciliation. I think you have heard from some of them. Don't give up yet. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I understand you wanting to forgive. But what is your wife willing to DO so that she's not tempted to cheat again when you leave town? What is SHE willing to do to EARN that trust that she's never earned? From what you said - you trust without it EARNED - so what guidelines do YOU have set up now so that she changes her behavior and begins to add trust into the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 All I can say is that I'm not the kind of person to throw away a 4 year investment in a relationship with someone I love deeply without making sure I've done everything in my power to make it work. All relationships have their ups and downs and sometimes it's the flaws that make you appreciate the good things. The bitter and vitriolic hatred and anger being expressed here by some posters while I'm sure is well meaning and perhaps relating to their own situation is completely foreign to my feelings. I'm angry, disappointed and hurt by whats happened but I certainly have no desire to hurt my wife in return. Acceptance, understanding and forgiveness of one's partners flaws or poor judgement are an essential part of all truly loving relationships. The absolute last thing I want to do is divorce or separate. I am as I mentioned quite optimistic about the future. I would believe all this only if they didn't have 20 years age difference. It proves me right, it's not easy for a 50 years old guy to let a woman 20 years younger than him go. It's a trophy he struggled to win and he won't let it go easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 There have been a few exceptions and for those I am thankful for the kind thoughts. If you consider people who agreed with you exceptions, then I guess there's something wrong with your point of view, isn't there? Why don't you start considering that the majority MAY be right and you MAY be blinded by the emotions? Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 If you truly wish to HELP a BS and he insists that he knows what he is doing you have the responsibility to support him in that and offer genuine advice. If you have no advice to offer, you shouldn't abuse his position just because in your case you didn't try or even consider it a possibility. I'm more than willing to advise everyone to forgive and reconcile etc, but not if my posts receive a total negligence and depreciation. I would understand if he would reply to my posts (that I put time and effort to type) "you are wrong, but thank you for your input" or something like this, but what he does is, he only replies to posts that support his opinion and depreciates the ones that don't suit him. That's rude and frustrating. This is a public forum and all kinds of opinions are going to be heard. If someone calls the posts he doesn't agree with "made with hatred and prejudice", then he doesn't get my respect. I won't tell him what he wants to hear only to be liked by him. In this matter my opinion is that this man is full of insecurities to have been married an unfaithful wife 20 years younger than him. He has managed to get all the proof (just cause he wants to show to himself and his ego that he has done something) but he has no intention to actually use this proof, cause he doesn't want to risk losing his precious young and beautiful wife. Deep inside he knows he won't do anything about her infidelity, that's why he doesn't want to pay attention to posts that show him the red flags. This is my opinion and it won't change unless he does or says something to prove me I'm wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate9292 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 She's not broken, sl*t, wh*re, or whatever people want to call it. She is just able to separate sex from love. Just because she had many one night stands doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It's just like your marriage and love is one thing, her extra adventures are different thing. They can coexist if you allow it. Do you want her to stop having one night stands? Or are you willing to share her with other men knowing she will always come home to you? Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Das, Can you R this marriage? Yes you can. My H and I have both had affairs in our M and we are reconciling. It takes a lot of hard work on both sides, and it will be a roller coaster ride full of emotions that you have never felt before. Saying that, your wife has to be all in with regards to wanting to fix what made her go out and do this. Is she at this point yet? Does she understand that this had nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with her? As long as she understands that this is all on her, and she has some work to do on her, then you have something to work with. I wish you both the best. It is possible to survive infidelity, with your marriage intact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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