OzHeartache Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 So….Im back again About a year ago I was dumped by my GF of 13Months because she wanted to have kids with someone that didn’t aleady have them…. Yes you read that right, together over a year the whole time she knew I had a son from a previous marriage More here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/385260-move-wait-little-longer and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/396986-need-vent-crushed-struggling A few months later I had a 6 week relationship where I was dumped out of nowhere because the girl “didn’t feel the spark” More here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/416058-cannot-take-trick Had a few more close calls with other girls but things didn’t pan out Then 4 months ago I met J, J is fantastic, she is a GM of a 7Mill business so she is always busy, I knew that and new that our time together would be about quality not quantity She hasn’t really had a boyfriend for 6yrs, a few flings but nothing serious (very career orientated), she told me early she was really excited about me/us and she has a good feeling about it We are both right into fitness and like the same foods, have the same morals, sex life is amazing!! (I have texts from her saying so so im definatley not blowing my own trumpet here lol) She also introduced me to her friends, something she has never really done with guys in the past The last week she has been a little distant, she is doing 2 peoples jobs at the moment (10-12hrs days) so thought it must have just been that but… Last night she ended it for you guessed it “Im just not feeling it” (spark again!!) She said she really wants it to work because Im amazing and she said she will probably regret it and that her frineds are going to say your crazy you have done it again and blown it………. But its not enough for her to stay She also said “I feel like im your whole life and you don’t know what your passions are”. I do enjoy being with her and like to spend time together where I think she still wants to keep a lot her own space……. Maybe this is something I can work on, I don’t feel this is a bad thing, Im an open person and just maybe need to tone it down again in future but maybe I just need to find someone more like me….. I just don’t know anymore Im so over opening my heart and being an awesome boyfriend, they have all told me I am the most caring, considerate, great guy, sexy, great in bed etc etc……. All the good things but again I loose out to “chemistry”….the crap thing is I have it!!, the bedroom indicates it also so why are they not feeling it too!? What am I doing wrong ……….its so demoralising I consider myself an expert after frequeting this site over the last year (unfortunatley!) so I kind of know what I need to think / do 1 – Life goes on, im sure I’ll meet someone else in future although I really feel like every last ounce of confidence is now completely gone…….. im so crushed and lost 2 – Theres a lot I want to ask/say but you know what, whats the point, its not going to change the situation………….. If she doesn’t want to be with me or see my worth then *&^% her!! (No Contact as much as it hurst and I miss her and will miss her) 3 – I need to look after myself, have’nt really eaten for 24hrs and had the worst sleep…….. I know time is the only healer here for me unfortunatley but need to keep exercising and looking after my health….its all I got really 4 – next time I need to take things slower….I can tend to rush when I get excited and that scares a lot of girls off but if I like someone, then I want to jump in and go with it, I don’t understand people that want to “take it slow” and try and “control” love…..love is not like that!! It should just flow right ?!?!?! 5 – try not to take it personally, This is very hard when you keep getting dumped and they all say “your great but….im not feeling it”……… FFS WHY…….WHAT AM I DOING WRONG !?!?!?!? Anyway as I said, I kind of know what to do so its more about venting and looking for support right now, I just want to burst into tears but not a great look at work!!! I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep forever………… why doesn't anoyone want to love me!!??!?
deathandtaxes Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 This most current one seems like she might just be too busy and threw out the wrong excuse to end a relationship. She slept with you. She likes you at least on that level. But the most telling part was her saying that she thinks you don't know what your passions are. That means she thinks you're getting clingy or needy or wants to spend too much time together. But whatever the reason, she ended it. Do you have your passions? Do you have your own friend and life outside of a relationship? When you find the right person, it will click. And you won't wonder.
Author OzHeartache Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Yeah I know she is very independent and I need to work on the clingy thing, i'm not overly clingy but could maybe back off a little....I don't mean too, I just like someone I want to spend time with them.... I guess I got the balance wrong....again I do have my life outside her, into fitness and do regular boxing classes and running on my treadmill, I also have a son that I spend time with one day each weekend and a night through the week......... its hard when all your friends are married, also, If im in a relationship, I want them to be part of that life..... I don't think this is a bad thing but who knows......I just don't know anymore
organizedchaos Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 OP, did you ever hear back from the girl who dumped you? Our stories are nearly identical. With mine for almost 3 years. I have a 10 year old boy who she knew about from the start and I included with her. My ex wife and I get along fine. But the ex gf 6 months ago said she didn't see a life with someone who already has a kid, blah, blah, blah. After nearly 3 years together. I was great to her but her personality is similar to your exes. Sucks man.
Author OzHeartache Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 OP, did you ever hear back from the girl who dumped you? Our stories are nearly identical. With mine for almost 3 years. I have a 10 year old boy who she knew about from the start and I included with her. My ex wife and I get along fine. But the ex gf 6 months ago said she didn't see a life with someone who already has a kid, blah, blah, blah. After nearly 3 years together. I was great to her but her personality is similar to your exes. Sucks man. not a word, as mentioned I deleted her and all her friends from FB, I have since found out that there was a new guy on the scene so im wondering if the "break" was so she can test the waters with this new one (she's still with him I believe) Its sad but I did go on to find others much better than her, The girl that broke up with me last night was way better, was only 4 months but its so much more painful because I know she was ............. your right....sucks man.... bigtime
organizedchaos Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 not a word, as mentioned I deleted her and all her friends from FB, I have since found out that there was a new guy on the scene so im wondering if the "break" was so she can test the waters with this new one (she's still with him I believe) Its sad but I did go on to find others much better than her, The girl that broke up with me last night was way better, was only 4 months but its so much more painful because I know she was ............. your right....sucks man.... bigtime Yeah, I deleted her and all her friends. Sent them notes and they were all very cool. Always were to me. Some didn't even understand why she did this. Been getting breadcrumbs this week but I'm at the point now where I could never trust her emotionally anymore. I'm dating a lot but haven't found anyone that sticks yet. 1
Author OzHeartache Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Erghhh!!! It's only been 2 days and I can't handle this, how can humans go from talking everyday to nothing!!! I so want to message her and unload all my thoughts and feelings but I know it's not going to help, if she realizes this is a mistake she knows where I am and it has to come from her All my dreams for our future gone...... Waste of time and I now have to start again..... Tired of just bursting into tears at the drop of a dime...... I'm 38 yrs old FFS,!!! I just want to be happy, why can't she just "feel it" and we have kept going Just wanna get hit by a truck so I don't have to deal with this anymore :( (don't worry it's just a figure of speech of how I'm feeling I'm not going to do it)
deathandtaxes Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Erghhh!!! It's only been 2 days and I can't handle this, how can humans go from talking everyday to nothing!!! I so want to message her and unload all my thoughts and feelings but I know it's not going to help, if she realizes this is a mistake she knows where I am and it has to come from her All my dreams for our future gone...... Waste of time and I now have to start again..... Tired of just bursting into tears at the drop of a dime...... I'm 38 yrs old FFS,!!! I just want to be happy, why can't she just "feel it" and we have kept going Just wanna get hit by a truck so I don't have to deal with this anymore :( (don't worry it's just a figure of speech of how I'm feeling I'm not going to do it) SHE is not YOUR life. You will tear yourself up with woulda shoulda coulda. Just think of this as the perfect opportunity to figure out exactly what your passions are. DO NOT MESSAGE HER! Have some dignity. When you message her, you give up power to her. 1
OhThatGirl Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Oh no. I can tell you.. The problem you're having is that you want a relationship too badly. Women can sense this stuff. When you want a relationship, you're eager, you're clingy, you're giving us everything before we even ask for it ... It's a turn off. It leaves us feeling there is no spark or no chemistry. It's NOT a game (I'm tired of hearing that) and yes, we are an evolved and emotionally mature species. BUT the instinct is for women to want to feel like they are so special they just got the guy who never wanted a relationship to commit to a relationship because she's just amazing. Like she was able to conquer the guy who just didn't want to settle down. The opposite is the guy who wants to be with someone (anyone) so much that we get the impression 1) he's insecure about who he is or how fulfilling his life is and 2) NEEDS a relationship to make him happy and feel completed. The fact she mentioned she doesn't know what your passions are is because the only passion you probably showed her was for HER. Women love a man that has interests outside of her, that can be completely happy and fulfilled without a partner. Just back off. Don't give everything. Be confident. This is how you keep that spark and chemistry going. It's like the little old ladies in assisted living. You can't give them an entire plate of food. They will get overwhelmed by it and not be able to eat much if at all. If you give them 1/3rd of what was to be on the plate, they can handle it and will accept more when the first bit is done. Use that. Be fulfilled on your own, happy with your own life and everything you have in it, and only seek a partner to highlight it, not to be the substance. Who cares if you're in your 30s. I live in California where this is the age of men starting to settle down. I just ended things with a guy several years older than you and I'm soon turning 30. (And it certainly wasn't a lack of chemistry.. That was about ALL we had..) Don't worry about age. Don't be in such a hurry to get someone that you tip them off and have them losing interest. Ps. The guys that we have the most chemistry with were usually not "the best boyfriends" and it had absolutely nothing to do with how sweet or attentive they were. In some cases that can work against you. Now I'm not saying to be a complete d*ck to a woman at all.. But stop thinking that "nice" and "sweet" will keep her interested. Mystery and feeling like she may need you a bit more than you need her keep her interested. "Nice" and "sweet" are the final touches. Both equally important. I can't wait to get blasted for this. Blah blah blah. Whatever women. You know it's true. 1
Author OzHeartache Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Oh no. I can tell you.. The problem you're having is that you want a relationship too badly. Women can sense this stuff. When you want a relationship, you're eager, you're clingy, you're giving us everything before we even ask for it ... It's a turn off. It leaves us feeling there is no spark or no chemistry. It's NOT a game (I'm tired of hearing that) and yes, we are an evolved and emotionally mature species. BUT the instinct is for women to want to feel like they are so special they just got the guy who never wanted a relationship to commit to a relationship because she's just amazing. Like she was able to conquer the guy who just didn't want to settle down. The opposite is the guy who wants to be with someone (anyone) so much that we get the impression 1) he's insecure about who he is or how fulfilling his life is and 2) NEEDS a relationship to make him happy and feel completed. The fact she mentioned she doesn't know what your passions are is because the only passion you probably showed her was for HER. Women love a man that has interests outside of her, that can be completely happy and fulfilled without a partner. Just back off. Don't give everything. Be confident. This is how you keep that spark and chemistry going. It's like the little old ladies in assisted living. You can't give them an entire plate of food. They will get overwhelmed by it and not be able to eat much if at all. If you give them 1/3rd of what was to be on the plate, they can handle it and will accept more when the first bit is done. Use that. Be fulfilled on your own, happy with your own life and everything you have in it, and only seek a partner to highlight it, not to be the substance. Who cares if you're in your 30s. I live in California where this is the age of men starting to settle down. I just ended things with a guy several years older than you and I'm soon turning 30. (And it certainly wasn't a lack of chemistry.. That was about ALL we had..) Don't worry about age. Don't be in such a hurry to get someone that you tip them off and have them losing interest. Ps. The guys that we have the most chemistry with were usually not "the best boyfriends" and it had absolutely nothing to do with how sweet or attentive they were. In some cases that can work against you. Now I'm not saying to be a complete d*ck to a woman at all.. But stop thinking that "nice" and "sweet" will keep her interested. Mystery and feeling like she may need you a bit more than you need her keep her interested. "Nice" and "sweet" are the final touches. Both equally important. I can't wait to get blasted for this. Blah blah blah. Whatever women. You know it's true. Ohthatgirl, I think you hit the nail on the head I am a big giver and I always have been , I guess that has a lot with them loosing interest, no challenge It's really frustrating because to not do that goes against my inner being, I AM a giver, I am a nice guy so to stop doing that and be a bit more "treat em mean keep em keen" is not who I am..... Maybe I just need to be on my own for a while, again something you are right about.... I love being in a relationship, I love having someone to spoil and just "be with" I do want that..... Being on your own is ok, I can do it but I am happier being with someone and them being part of my life........ Is that really so bad?!?!! Eitherway something has to change...... I can't keep getting "your an awesome guy, caring generous great in bed etc etc.........BUT" it's so crushing, I have no strength left, I'm so deflated that this has happened again I also know now that I realize it and can fix it it's going to be too late for her, I just have to let her go........ I have to go NC because I'm not coping, but then she will never see that I've realized and rectified that behavior It's just such a massive waste
headinthecloud Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) It's not a waste if you choose to learn from it. You have a pattern of behavior going on here and you can either ignore it and continue to find unfulfilling RSs or you can acknowledge it and change your pattern to one that leads you to a more fulfilling life. Being a giver is not a bad quality - some women love it (like me), but to many it can be overwhelming. I'm a giver too and I've found partners who are have a low-ability to love find "givers" to be weak and relate it to low confidence and codependence. You have a high ability to love, but how resilient are you to rejection? I'm finding that the more resilient I am to rejection the happier I am. Reject rejection. You deserve to be happy. Go out there and be happy. Think of no one but your own happiness; nothing else matters. Edited February 8, 2014 by headinthecloud
Author OzHeartache Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 It's not a waste if you choose to learn from it. You have a pattern of behavior going on here and you can either ignore it and continue to find unfulfilling RSs or you can acknowledge it and change your pattern to one that leads you to a more fulfilling life. Being a giver is not a bad quality - some women love it (like me), but to many it can be overwhelming. I'm a giver too and I've found partners who are have a low-ability to love find "givers" to be weak and relate it to low confidence and codependence. You have a high ability to love, but how resilient are you to rejection? I'm finding that the more resilient I am to rejection the happier I am. Reject rejection. You deserve to be happy. Go out there and be happy. Think of no one but your own happiness; nothing else matters. I have no resilience..... That's why I crash so hard each time, how can you not when there's no one thing you did wrong, I'd almost prefer it did something stupid cause then I could go well, your an idiot, your fault But when it's because your tying to be the best boyfriend you can and it's still not good enough?!?! Anyway, I know I need some time on my own and this is where it gets hard, not only because I do like being in a relationship and do feel happier there It's hard for me to get out and do things on my own, all my mates are off and married and never go out, I love doing things and did with all the girls and their friends and this is prob another factor of why I take it so hard and personally....... Because it's hard for me to get out there as there is no people to get out there with The things I like doing are individual things, I like running/fitness, I'm into photography (landscapes,sunrises Etc) and I do these things whether I'm in or not in a relationships what more do I need to do to be "happy on my own" as everyone and all the blogs say ...... I really don't know
deathandtaxes Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Aww man those are some crap friends if they pair off and disappear off the face of the earth!! Time to expand your social circle. 1
Author OzHeartache Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 So it has been a week today since I was dumped…… Its been a big emotional rollercoaster from the why's, what if's, If only's and now the anger/frustration is kicking in..... and struggling to stop the "whats wrong with me" I’m a little different to most of the people on here where I was given a pretty clear reason, “I’m sorry you are great but I’m just not feeling it” (2nd time in 6 months)....... Still doesnt mean it hurts any less Why then am I so torn up about this ??...I’ve been trying to analyse it all to make sense and also to stop this happening again and again because its just so heartbreaking and painful Theres various reasons on her side from the too independant to too set in her ways etc but I know that trying to figure these out is just going to kill me and I'll never really know anyway.......... I cant control or change her.....its wasted emotions and energy.... She just doesnt want to be with me even though I wish we were still together I need to focus on me and why I feel this way, What I need to change and how im going to do this............. Its so frickin hard to not only analyse but to try and explain in words !!!!! Issue 1 - Stop thinking I MUST be in a relationship to be happy I really do feel happy and content in a relationship........Although I know this is not bad in itself, I tend to loose myself and as my last girl said perfectly when breaking up with me "I feel like I am your life" and "I dont know what your passions are" What to do - Be happy with my life and being on my own and if someone doesnt want to be part of my life......&^%$ them, its their loss because I know im a good person with lots of love to give...."Their loss!!" How to achieve - I really dont know....... guess spending time on my own to try and figure out what I want and what makes me happy?? Issue 2 - Stop falling so fast and hard Exactly as it says, I tend to fall fast and hard............I think this is from my desire to "want it to work" rather than waiting and seeing "if it will work"....Almost wishful thinking What to do - Have a better value/understanding of what makes me happy and not be scared to walk if im not seeing a future or my needs are being met How to achieve - Remove the rose coloured glasses and fairytale thoughts.....Take things slower in future and keep analysing as it progresses.... Does this feel right, can this work longterm, will I still be happy in 2, 10, 20years etc Issue 3 - I'm too nice Although being a nice guys is great, Flowers, messages, cards and being there 100% of the time that I can be is obviously not working and is causing them to feel a little smothered and bored What to do - Get more of an understanding of me, what I want,. What I need and being strong enough to walk away if these needs are not being met etc How to achieve - again, I really dont know......I know I need to be on my own and work this out by doing all the Cliche's you see on this site "looking after myself", "Putting myself first, "Love yourself", "Keeping your own life and be happy in it" etc etc Issue 4 - Expand my circle of friends My friends are all married, they have mortgages, kids and their own lives, they dont go out, they dont do the things I like (festivals, beach days, hiking/treks,) What to do - Get out and meet new people that can and will do these things How to achieve - Not really sure on this either but by trying to do new things and get out of my comfort zone.... Not going to meet new people doing the things/places I have been as my down time is often spent on my own, Photography shoots, running/exercise etc I'm sure there's lots more but this will be a good start I think..... I guess this is mostly to keep me sane and to try and understand/express my thoughts as I have 1000 things running around my head, happy for anyone to throw their 2cents in if they can offer any advice I'm just tired of being exhausted....I'm lonely, I'm hurt, I'm an emotional wreck............ I just want to be happy now (and in the future if a relationship breaks down for whatever reason)
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