Need to vent......Crushed and struggling

[OzHeartache]

Hi All

 

Just wanted to update (and vent) as I have been feeling a little low the last few days

 

Bit of background without linking to earlier posts, was together with my GF just over a year and was a pretty good relationship for the most part (I’m 38, she’s 35)

 

I have a 6yr old son from a previous marriage and they got on fine, liked each other without issues, About 3 months ago I got the dreaded “I need space” and found out about 2 weeks ago it’s definitely over ….. Basically she said “ it isn’t going to work because she wants to have kids of her own but she wants them with someone that doesn’t already have them and she wants to do that soon” (Ouch! )

 

 

I was and am still pretty gutted, We were together a year FFS….. She always had issues with the fact that I still have a great relationship with my ex, we are just friends (neither of us want to go back there) and it just didn’t work out, no point hating each other just because it didn’t work out and we have a 6yr old who is only going to benefit from us getting on so well, Problem is this is the major reason my ex wanted out I believe ….….which is really selfish and I think it basically sucks (would rather her said I was ugly or crap in bed etc, at least that’s something I can change/control)

 

Although the relationship was mostly good (we were very similar in ways and liked the same sorts of everyday things, cooking, shows, family values etc) I’m also not blind enough to see we did have differences, I was very open and she wasn’t, She partied (a lot) and was always tired on the nights I saw her (and of course that meant less and less s3x as the relationship went on) I’m very routine/like to know what’s happening, she’s very much go with the flow etc, She always had trust issues with me (I honestly don’t know why as Im extremely loyal hence im still in Hell 3 months later) and she was a big workaholic (She actually mentioned her work may take her overseas to live in future so I wouldn’t be able to go anyway because of my son) but knowing all this, I still hate the fact we are not together and I guess I’m an optimist and think it all could have worked out but I think I would have been the only one trying anyway….

 

Anyway, since I got the dreaded email I have been in NC since and have no plans to contact her…….what can I possibly say or do that’s going to change anything but I’m hurting really bad last few days, almost more than when I first read it… I guess there was almost a sense of relief when I did find out as the 3 months “ in limbo “ was over, maybe it’s just reality sinking in that she doesn’t want to spend her life with me when I really want to be with her, I miss the nights snuggled together, I miss the morning/good night and I love you texts, I miss the routine we had of spending days/nights together and I’m just so hurt that she doesn’t feel the same (I always knew if I broke up with her it would be like that, she has never spoken of or contacted any of her ex’s while we were together and always thought how can you be so cold hearted…….And now I’m feeling that cold heartedness, She has never been overly sensitive or shows too much love and I am the opposite…..guess that’s one reason why I should be ok its over so I can find someone similar)

 

I deleted her from FB/Instagram as soon as I got home and all of her friends, She has a tight bunch of single friends (Which I know didn’t help much although they are fantastic people), I sent them a message and explained what/why I was doing it and they all replied with lovely messages that you’re a great guy and we are really sorry it didn’t work out and they understood etc …….kind of nice to read but then so sad I’m no longer or never going to be part of that world again, I also dropped all her things off the next day while she was at work...( STRICT NC as per Tara's signature )........although its not going to be too hard, she's not going to give me anything I don't think.... Although I know breadcrumbs are bad, Would atleast show the last year actually meant something!

 

 

As I’m older and wiser (that’s debatable lol) I know what I need to do (No Contact, keep busy, Gym/running, Healthy eating, re-build up my self-esteem (which I have none left as I gave my all to her/us) and I have been doing that for most of the 3 months as I kind of expected it wasn’t going to work out (never really does when they want space) but I still feel so crap…….I know I need to “Love myself” and be happy on my own and I’m finding that really hard because I do love being in a relationship and having someone to look after and spoil and be my best friend…………… I’m tired of being miserable and down and lonely, I know I need to pep up and snap out of it but that’s what I’m struggling with, I just keep thinking about her and how I miss our time together….. I don’t want it to be over but I know that no matter how much I want it,………….. She doesn’t and I have to move on…… just so hard to do that

 

 

I’ve done my crying and am seeing a counsellor (ironically the email came in as I was in my last session and looking back my counsellor pretty much said she’s gone, you need to let go and move on but you need to decide to do that, I didn’t see it till after the session though….. she was right )

 

 

I feel so worthless and not good enough but I know that I am, It’s just that my life as it is, Is not what she wants anymore and that’s very painful, In a way I almost wish I stuffed up and cheated or treated her like crap because then I could have a reason or something to put my finger on but I just don’t…… She just doesn’t want me and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it………. Anyway just looking to vent and I know nothing anyone can say or do is going to make this process move any faster……just wish Life had a fast forward button so I can find the next girl and be happy again in a loving relationship as I miss it ………………….and her very much right now

[Chief Wiggum]

Not much to say to make you feel better, other than "you'll get over it".

 

The good news is that you were only together for a year and it's not like you were married or had any kids together. So this pain you're feeling at the moment, won't last much longer. Your recovery process will in fact speed up rapidly the minute you meet someone.

 

Oh, and sorry to say, but I think she was correct in breaking up with you. That's not me saying you did something wrong. That's me saying she at least had the decency to end it when she realised she couldn't get what she wanted from you, and chose to not drag you further along. A lot of women keep their men in limbo while they wait for something better to fall in their lap. She, on the other hand, has been honest with not only herself, but with you too so that you can move on.

 

It sucks, I know, and the pain you're going through is understandable. But it's not the end of the world and it certainly doesn't sound like a really damaging experience. It's actually a pretty normal break up that you will have no problems getting over.

[metal_chick]

Like Chief Wiggum says, if she recognised earlier than you that ultimately, you werren't compatible, then she did you a favour in not letting it go on too long. That can be the kindest thing we can do for another person, letting them go before it gets too bad. It doesn't feel like it at the time, but she did you a favour, and better things are waiting for you.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[OzHeartache]

yes we are both pretty mature but I still think its pretty crap to be in a relationship for a year before deciding and telling me that!

 

Hmm, wouldnt be too sure about waiting for something better, it was nearly 2.5 months before she let me go and I did notice some new guy become friends with all of her freinds on FB and started to go out to a few dinners and to her B'day drinks

 

Technically we were on a break but wouldnt surprise me if something started with them both.... having said that I'll be in NC so wont know (and wouldn't do anything but hurt me to know) and I know she can see whoever she likes but it doesnt change the feeling of being replaced

 

But yeah, I'm sure I'll get over it in time although right now, it does feel pretty "damaging" to me and my self esteem but I get what your trying to say

 

 

Just want to move on and forget it all and this pain

[mtnbiker3000]

OZ - This is pretty similar to my situation. The only thing I can say is don't beat yourself up based on what she did! Know that you did everything you could. You left it all out there. You didn't hold back. You didn't hide anything. You are a caring person who wanted an adult, mature RS.

 

I can relate a lot to what you describe, and it hurts!! It's confusing. You will ask yourself why? Shoulda? Coulda? Woulda? Again, be kind to yourself.

 

Now, I just need to take some of my own advice...

[OzHeartache]

Yeah thanks Biker, I know it was her decision as she has every right to do what's going to make her happy but that's just it, I'm a damn good father to my boy and I would have been to her child...... Just sucks that I did nothing wrong but I've still lost the girl I love..... I know I need to think that it's her loss and stuff her.... Guess that confidence will come with time .... Just sick of thinking about it all.... Wish I was more like her and just not give a **** about the last year like it meant nothing

[mtnbiker3000]

Wish I was more like her and just not give a **** about the last year like it meant nothing

 

But it did mean something. And that's the difference between people like you and and I and people like our ex's. And, they will wash, rinse and repeat. And will most likely be unhappy in the next RS, and the next, etc...