OzHeartache Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hi all Would love your advice, I have recently broken up with my girl of just over a year (Well she “needs some space” apparently, but feels like a breakup) Although there were things that were not absolutely perfect, there was a lot that was fantastic, I know that we can work these little things out but I feel like I’m the only one that is willing or trying and she is happy to just float along alone and happy in her “space”. Its prob also important to note she has a tight group of friends (Who I also love, they are all fantastic people and she is very lucky) who are all single and I think this may be helping her cope and keep busy where all mine are married and I don’t see that often Originally she told me that I was smothering her and she felt like she never had a chance to “miss me” and wanted to miss me, so she said she needed a week, I gave her a week and then I texted and was asking to catch up, I felt like I was being ignored and she couldn’t understand that I was upset…it was killing me not knowing but I did back right off. A week later I got a “miss you” text at 5am, I texted that I missed her too and a few days later she asked if I wanted to catch up for dinner, as it was good Friday I offered to cook and she came over, we had a great night (actually no it was fantastic!) and as we had a few drinks, she stayed, Although nothing happened, we did have a few kisses, cuddles and slept next to each other and she stayed till about 2pm the next day, she could have run at first light but didn’t so I suggested we catch up Monday night (3 days later) and she agreed…. She also said she had a great night too On Monday lunchtime I was at my sisters son’s b’day lunch so I was texting to see what time she wanted me to come over as it was finishing soon, “I’m out shopping and have a few things I need to do so about 6”….had a gut feeling I was being blown off and sure enough about 4pm “im still out shopping and have lots to do still”…..I lost it and told her if shopping was more important than saving our relationship then what’s the &*%% point….. I know I shouldn’t have let my emotions get the better of me but its so hard when you love someone so much and just want it to work so badly !!! Meanwhile My ex wife and I still get on great as we have a son together and I want to have a good relationship with her for his sake, She has always had issue with me talking about her and helping her out with lawns etc but there is absolutely nothing in it, She has said it’s great that we get on so well and has no issue with it and I believe her, Its more that I talk about her etc. My sis had asked me if my GF was going to come to lunch and as I was trying to respect her space as she wanted, I said no so she invited my ex (who is still friendly with my family for the most part) My sis posted a thank you to everyone on FB for coming and of course we all replied we had fun etc. (including my ex wife) and my GF saw it Next day I received a “that’s why we have broken up” message saying she had been telling me all along that she felt like there was 3 of us in the relationship, I do sometimes talk about her but only in conversations “We did this once, She also had this happen” etc)….purely innocent but I obviously regret talking about it now and have told her it won’t happen again and to please give me a chance to show her So was it that I smother her or because of the ex…….makes no sense to me but anyway !?!?! I have also done lots of self-reflecting and have seen a counsellor to try and sort my mind out so I can be a better person for myself and for us………….. She knows this and I’ve asked for a chance to show her……..she has not said no or yes and I did ask her straight out first night if she knows it’s over and to just tell me if she’s decided so I can move on but she said no she hasn’t decided (was about 3 weeks ago) ……so I guess that’s why I’m still holding on to hope and am willing to keep waiting as there is still hope I had a big night about a week ago and got weak and texted I missed her, she texted back that she missed me too and we had a nice chat and said goodnight I have left her alone again and as it was her bday a few days ago I messaged the night before that I would love to catch up with her for her b’day, she messaged back (next morning as she claimed she hadn’t seen it….hmmm) that her best friend had already organised something (as well as all her friends going out for drinks the Friday before…everyone except me) but she said she would love to catch up this week for dinner if I was free, I texted back that would be great but only if she really wanted to and I don’t want her to feel pressured and she replied “of course I do silly”..... so we will be going out tomorrow night…. I also texted her at midnight on her bday that “she was the first on my bday and I wanted to be the first on hers and happy b’day etc” (she had texted me at midnight for mine a few months back) I got a “awe thanks babe” back next morning when she saw it and then 20 mins later another text “xxxx”……… 230;… So she was obviously still thinking about it and liked it right ?!?! I just don’t understand how she can go days/weeks with no contact….it’s killing me but I’ve read lots of blogs/articles on that if someone asks for space then you should respect it so I am but I’m really struggling ..... Should I just take her out to dinner and know in my mind this will be the last time and then forget her and get on with my life or should I just hang in there a bit longer (I think I have maybe 2-3weeks max left of this pain before I break) ……I know I can’t hang around forever and I’m trying to get on with my life in the meantime (keeping busy, exercise etc but Im not eating or sleeping well because it’s on my mind so much)……I wish I could learn to see and live with “Grey” and not expect everything to be black or white…… that’s a big part of my problem I know I also know I should have more faith in myself and know that I will be ok on my own if she decides she doesn’t want to be my partner anymore…….But I don’t want to be alone or without her …….. I miss her terribly Found this great article and am trying to think this way but the fact she has still shown signs it’s not over in ways ….. I’m kind of stuck in limbo land - Broken Hearted Forum - Tips to Get Over Her..... I know I am a great boyfriend, I’m open about my feelings and tell her I love her daily, I buy presents like to surprise her and I always look after her and make sure she is ok etc etc so I just wish I was strong enough to say stuff you, you don’t want me I’m moving on because I’m worth it and someone out there will see it (but I’m not and I’m doubting this will happen ) ……… I’ve read lots of articles that to show her I’m fine and getting on with my life (happy and confident) and they quite often get scared and come running back but its just so hard when you miss and love someone as much as I do her Sorry this post is abit all over the place (much like my mind at the moment lol) but ……………… …..Please Help !??!
SalientPoint Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hmm, the space thing is tricky because it can go either way. When my gf says she needs space, though it hurts, I know she actually needs it, and USUALLY when I give it to her she comes back around eventually, so yours could be like that as well. However, in most cases I've encountered space is commonly the beginning of the end. I would go out to dinner and then give it a week of NC on your side. If she texts you or asks to see you then great (although it wouldn't hurt a couple of times to say that you're busy) but if not then you'll have your answer. 1
Author OzHeartache Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Hmm, the space thing is tricky because it can go either way. When my gf says she needs space, though it hurts, I know she actually needs it, and USUALLY when I give it to her she comes back around eventually, so yours could be like that as well. However, in most cases I've encountered space is commonly the beginning of the end. I would go out to dinner and then give it a week of NC on your side. If she texts you or asks to see you then great (although it wouldn't hurt a couple of times to say that you're busy) but if not then you'll have your answer. Yeah I was kind of thinking that myself! Hardest part I know is going to be able to stay cool and unemotional and just have a nice fun enjoyable night together as this would more likely result in us doing more and eventually getting back on track (living and coping with grey), if not and i force her to tell me whats happening (black or white) I'm just going to push her away...... Nervous and worried but I also can't wait to see her (even if it does still feel a little one sided I need to realise she is not as open and forthcoming with her emotions as I am) Thanks for your reply an advice 1
ThatJustHappened Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I feel your pain. I'm in limbo too with my ex boyfriend. I'm a very black and white person too but I've been doing my best to accept the gray area we're in right now. It seems to be going well so far..I'm not panicking like I used to, and I've gotten used to the idea of not being with him, so although I'll be sad if things don't work out, I know I'll be ok. That's why I'm able to see him now and not be super emotional about it. I would suggest space. Back off completely and let her come to you. That's been working for me. 3
Author OzHeartache Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I feel your pain. I'm in limbo too with my ex boyfriend. I'm a very black and white person too but I've been doing my best to accept the gray area we're in right now. It seems to be going well so far..I'm not panicking like I used to, and I've gotten used to the idea of not being with him, so although I'll be sad if things don't work out, I know I'll be ok. That's why I'm able to see him now and not be super emotional about it. I would suggest space. Back off completely and let her come to you. That's been working for me. Thank you for your reply and support thatjusthappened Yeah I need to just relax, I am trying but my mind just goes 100miles an hour and I let it get the better of me, I've decided tonight that I will just try and have a nice night (like the other one) and not expect answers that I know she will not give as much as I want a yes/no, Then I need to just back right off and let her call/come to me ......I'm scared too but know if its meant to happen it will.... Need to start believing in myself and my worth more and have the mindset of "Stuff you, take it or leave it".... but its easier said than done Keep me updated on your situation too, sounds like we are in similar boats atm.... 1
Author OzHeartache Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Hi all Thought I’d update after our dinner last week Went pretty well, although she was tired from work and going out the 2 nights before…..another reason we had argued in the past, I don’t mind she goes out but when it affects our time then its pretty upsetting but I did ask her straight out (twice) if she had made her mind up and wanted to end it and she said no she hadn’t decided but she does need more time….. I said If you decide that you do want to end it (in the next couple of weeks “break/space”), just let me know and I’ll be happy to go (well not happy, but at least I won’t be in limbo and can start moving on fully rather than half moving on) One thing that was upsetting though….I went back to hers after dinner, I could tell she was a little reluctant to go but the bday pressie/box was too big to carry to the pub and restaurant so wanted to give it to her at home, She felt and acted a little weird (which I don’t get because we are having a break, not a breakup due me doing anything majorly wrong but I guess it’s the same thing) and we kind of had a little argument (frustration on my side and her being tired) but I said ok I’ll go and gave her a kiss (was a nice one, not huge but more than a peck) and said “love you” and pretty sure she said the same thing back as I was walking away and not 3 mins after leaving I got this message “Thank you babe for dinner and my present… had a good night…sorry felt a bit awkward for u to come back here…just maybe too soon xxx” She mentioned at dinner that I haven’t really “given her her space” ok I may have messaged but that was only about dinner and to organise it but I’m reading that as though she doesn’t want to hear from me at all for a while……so bloody hard and I don’t get it, how can we fix things if we are not speaking about them……… Maybe it’s a girl thing One thing I need to add though, I have a bad feeling that there is a new guy on the scene (which I know she has every right to do as we are on a break but I feel so betrayed if this is true) although I have no proof besides my (hopefully) over active imagination. I asked who came over for her bday as she mentioned some friends and she mentioned all her friends and then “my friend Mark”…… I’ve seen a few of her friends become friends with this guy after the break (like a week later) and she openly “FB Checked in” to a restaurant with him and 2 of her other friends, he’s frequently “liking and commenting on her status updates (never saw him comment/like ever while we were together) and she is “liking his comments which makes me think she’s not hiding it and maybe I’m reading more into this than there actually is and I know I shouldn’t be checking it but I guess I’m just looking for “reasons” that all this crap is happening (aka closure) Anyway after her telling me to give her her space, 2 days later (last Saturday) I was at the races and she messaged me to say “have a great time and I so wish I was there”, I messaged back I wish she was too and she said “you didn’t invite me, I said that because I cant talk to her, message her, write on her FB page or come over (trying to joke and keep it light hearted) and she said you could have invited me but have a great day (I think she was worried as she knew there would be plenty of alcohol and gorgeous women around…..green eyed monster but that’s the last I’ve heard from her (last Saturday, 4 or 5 days ago) I had also received a message from her mum on FB, she basically said hang in there, Its hard because Im not totally free and she might be feeling a bit of a 3rd party (which I know is the case as per my previous post so she has obviously spoken to her mum about it and that I should just remain best friends with her and see what happens as life is too short etc (in other words give her some time and lots of love and let her trust you) So even before that message I had thought that I just need to go NC now and let her contact me (and will try hard to not reply till the next day when/if she does message me as per the “Caliguy NC explained” guide) - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated So now Im in waiting but trying to get on with my life…..its sooo hard being in Limbo and I just miss her terribly but pushing/chasing her is only going to result in losing her for good………. So confused and torn…… this is slowly killing me (no sleep and not eating well but hey, at least the beer belly has all but gone lol) Its just so unfair and hard……….
SalientPoint Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Hi all Thought I’d update after our dinner last week Went pretty well, although she was tired from work and going out the 2 nights before…..another reason we had argued in the past, I don’t mind she goes out but when it affects our time then its pretty upsetting but I did ask her straight out (twice) if she had made her mind up and wanted to end it and she said no she hadn’t decided but she does need more time….. I said If you decide that you do want to end it (in the next couple of weeks “break/space”), just let me know and I’ll be happy to go (well not happy, but at least I won’t be in limbo and can start moving on fully rather than half moving on) One thing that was upsetting though….I went back to hers after dinner, I could tell she was a little reluctant to go but the bday pressie/box was too big to carry to the pub and restaurant so wanted to give it to her at home, She felt and acted a little weird (which I don’t get because we are having a break, not a breakup due me doing anything majorly wrong but I guess it’s the same thing) and we kind of had a little argument (frustration on my side and her being tired) but I said ok I’ll go and gave her a kiss (was a nice one, not huge but more than a peck) and said “love you” and pretty sure she said the same thing back as I was walking away and not 3 mins after leaving I got this message “Thank you babe for dinner and my present… had a good night…sorry felt a bit awkward for u to come back here…just maybe too soon xxx” She mentioned at dinner that I haven’t really “given her her space” ok I may have messaged but that was only about dinner and to organise it but I’m reading that as though she doesn’t want to hear from me at all for a while……so bloody hard and I don’t get it, how can we fix things if we are not speaking about them……… Maybe it’s a girl thing One thing I need to add though, I have a bad feeling that there is a new guy on the scene (which I know she has every right to do as we are on a break but I feel so betrayed if this is true) although I have no proof besides my (hopefully) over active imagination. I asked who came over for her bday as she mentioned some friends and she mentioned all her friends and then “my friend Mark”…… I’ve seen a few of her friends become friends with this guy after the break (like a week later) and she openly “FB Checked in” to a restaurant with him and 2 of her other friends, he’s frequently “liking and commenting on her status updates (never saw him comment/like ever while we were together) and she is “liking his comments which makes me think she’s not hiding it and maybe I’m reading more into this than there actually is and I know I shouldn’t be checking it but I guess I’m just looking for “reasons” that all this crap is happening (aka closure) Anyway after her telling me to give her her space, 2 days later (last Saturday) I was at the races and she messaged me to say “have a great time and I so wish I was there”, I messaged back I wish she was too and she said “you didn’t invite me, I said that because I cant talk to her, message her, write on her FB page or come over (trying to joke and keep it light hearted) and she said you could have invited me but have a great day (I think she was worried as she knew there would be plenty of alcohol and gorgeous women around…..green eyed monster but that’s the last I’ve heard from her (last Saturday, 4 or 5 days ago) I had also received a message from her mum on FB, she basically said hang in there, Its hard because Im not totally free and she might be feeling a bit of a 3rd party (which I know is the case as per my previous post so she has obviously spoken to her mum about it and that I should just remain best friends with her and see what happens as life is too short etc (in other words give her some time and lots of love and let her trust you) So even before that message I had thought that I just need to go NC now and let her contact me (and will try hard to not reply till the next day when/if she does message me as per the “Caliguy NC explained” guide) - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated So now Im in waiting but trying to get on with my life…..its sooo hard being in Limbo and I just miss her terribly but pushing/chasing her is only going to result in losing her for good………. So confused and torn…… this is slowly killing me (no sleep and not eating well but hey, at least the beer belly has all but gone lol) Its just so unfair and hard………. Yikes, this sounds difficult. It sounds like you've hung in there and been a brave soldier, but I think at some point you do need to give her a deadline. It's unfair and detrimental to the healing process for her to expect or for you to be in the mindset of waiting around forever. Also, not to make you paranoid, but the Mark thing is weird if he's a new friend who's also single and is suddenly flooding her page. It's really up to you what you want/feel you need the deadline to be, but just don't hang out waiting around forever, because it really will mess up your healing time if it doesn't work out. I hope it does somehow though!
Author OzHeartache Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Yikes, this sounds difficult. It sounds like you've hung in there and been a brave soldier, but I think at some point you do need to give her a deadline. It's unfair and detrimental to the healing process for her to expect or for you to be in the mindset of waiting around forever. Also, not to make you paranoid, but the Mark thing is weird if he's a new friend who's also single and is suddenly flooding her page. It's really up to you what you want/feel you need the deadline to be, but just don't hang out waiting around forever, because it really will mess up your healing time if it doesn't work out. I hope it does somehow though! yeah exactly, I love her so will wait as long as I can but I cannot do this forever, I'm not eating or sleeping and its not healthy (not to mention my mind is doing cartwheels also) The thing is she was always very big on trust and was worried I was not faithful (although totally unwarranted as I was 100% committed to this woman) so I find it hard to believe she would but, Yes I'm not turning a blind eye to it, usually where there is smoke there is fire but I have to give her the benefit of the doubt and hope its just my overactive imagination (and the fact she was open about it when talking about her bday and checked in with him to the restaurant and her friends) ....if she was cheating it would be strange she would do that I imagine ..... Just wish I was strong and brave enough to say stuff you, Im moving on, Your loss and not give it a second thought but always have been a sensitive guy..... sucks when things are not going well, I don't want to loose her and know the small things that were wrong could be worked out if only she would try !!!!....but I also don't want to be the only one fighting for the relationship either................. Need to wait a little longer I guess
SalientPoint Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Right, I know how hard it can be. Unfortunately I have a long history of ex's that absolutely refused to be honest in their breakups and basically pulled a ton of this kind of behavior + cheating + leaving me for someone else, to know when it's happening to me. That usually means I still won't have the self control unfortunately to get the jump on them, but I've done a lot of dating, so I can usually identify it pretty well. You'll know when enough is enough, even if it's sub-conciously, but yeah, if you can break through to the forefront of your conciousnes, you should set some kind of realistic deadline, because I know how stressful it is. Nevertheless, be strong brother, it's tough! 1
Pisces13 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I say move on mate. Do you really want to be with a woman like this? Who treats you this way? If she truly loves you and wants to be with you, well, you wouldn't be going through any of this right now. Yes women are a complicated bunch, and sometimes their actions don't make a lot of sense to us men, but as you said, this should be all pretty black and white, she either wants to be with you or she doesn't. I don't know why she is messing you around. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I would be worried about this Mark guy too, especially if he has just popped up right after the "break". She was the one who wanted the time apart, which makes it even more suspicious. I get the feeling she met this guy while you were still together, then probably started developing some sort of feelings towards this guy, and wants to see where it may go, hence why she wanted the break. That is just my opinion though, I could be completely off par, but you never know.
Author OzHeartache Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Yeah I know mate I'm 38, Ive been around long enough to know where there is smoke, there is usually fire, and technically she can do what she likes as we are on a "break" just pretty disappointing if it does turn out to be true...... hopefully it is just my overactive imagination I guess what will be will be but so hard to move on and just forget the last 14months like it meant nothing..... I could never do that to anyone, especially someone that I was meant to "love" Ive read a lot of articles about dumpees tend to put the dumpers on a pedestal, Need to try and focus on the negatives, the crap I didn't like about her and how she behaved.......... struggling with that though to be honest.... Just miss her and what we had but moping wont bring her back, Just hard to pck yourself up but judging by a lot of the comments on here, Im not alone and it is hard.... just have to keep plugging away and try to listen to my brain, Not my bruised ego and heart I say move on mate. Do you really want to be with a woman like this? Who treats you this way? If she truly loves you and wants to be with you, well, you wouldn't be going through any of this right now. Yes women are a complicated bunch, and sometimes their actions don't make a lot of sense to us men, but as you said, this should be all pretty black and white, she either wants to be with you or she doesn't. I don't know why she is messing you around. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I would be worried about this Mark guy too, especially if he has just popped up right after the "break". She was the one who wanted the time apart, which makes it even more suspicious. I get the feeling she met this guy while you were still together, then probably started developing some sort of feelings towards this guy, and wants to see where it may go, hence why she wanted the break. That is just my opinion though, I could be completely off par, but you never know.
KS11 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Hi all Thought I’d update after our dinner last week Went pretty well, although she was tired from work and going out the 2 nights before…..another reason we had argued in the past, I don’t mind she goes out but when it affects our time then its pretty upsetting but I did ask her straight out (twice) if she had made her mind up and wanted to end it and she said no she hadn’t decided but she does need more time….. I said If you decide that you do want to end it (in the next couple of weeks “break/space”), just let me know and I’ll be happy to go (well not happy, but at least I won’t be in limbo and can start moving on fully rather than half moving on) One thing that was upsetting though….I went back to hers after dinner, I could tell she was a little reluctant to go but the bday pressie/box was too big to carry to the pub and restaurant so wanted to give it to her at home, She felt and acted a little weird (which I don’t get because we are having a break, not a breakup due me doing anything majorly wrong but I guess it’s the same thing) and we kind of had a little argument (frustration on my side and her being tired) but I said ok I’ll go and gave her a kiss (was a nice one, not huge but more than a peck) and said “love you” and pretty sure she said the same thing back as I was walking away and not 3 mins after leaving I got this message “Thank you babe for dinner and my present… had a good night…sorry felt a bit awkward for u to come back here…just maybe too soon xxx” She mentioned at dinner that I haven’t really “given her her space” ok I may have messaged but that was only about dinner and to organise it but I’m reading that as though she doesn’t want to hear from me at all for a while……so bloody hard and I don’t get it, how can we fix things if we are not speaking about them……… Maybe it’s a girl thing One thing I need to add though, I have a bad feeling that there is a new guy on the scene (which I know she has every right to do as we are on a break but I feel so betrayed if this is true) although I have no proof besides my (hopefully) over active imagination. I asked who came over for her bday as she mentioned some friends and she mentioned all her friends and then “my friend Mark”…… I’ve seen a few of her friends become friends with this guy after the break (like a week later) and she openly “FB Checked in” to a restaurant with him and 2 of her other friends, he’s frequently “liking and commenting on her status updates (never saw him comment/like ever while we were together) and she is “liking his comments which makes me think she’s not hiding it and maybe I’m reading more into this than there actually is and I know I shouldn’t be checking it but I guess I’m just looking for “reasons” that all this crap is happening (aka closure) Anyway after her telling me to give her her space, 2 days later (last Saturday) I was at the races and she messaged me to say “have a great time and I so wish I was there”, I messaged back I wish she was too and she said “you didn’t invite me, I said that because I cant talk to her, message her, write on her FB page or come over (trying to joke and keep it light hearted) and she said you could have invited me but have a great day (I think she was worried as she knew there would be plenty of alcohol and gorgeous women around…..green eyed monster but that’s the last I’ve heard from her (last Saturday, 4 or 5 days ago) I had also received a message from her mum on FB, she basically said hang in there, Its hard because Im not totally free and she might be feeling a bit of a 3rd party (which I know is the case as per my previous post so she has obviously spoken to her mum about it and that I should just remain best friends with her and see what happens as life is too short etc (in other words give her some time and lots of love and let her trust you) So even before that message I had thought that I just need to go NC now and let her contact me (and will try hard to not reply till the next day when/if she does message me as per the “Caliguy NC explained” guide) - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated So now Im in waiting but trying to get on with my life…..its sooo hard being in Limbo and I just miss her terribly but pushing/chasing her is only going to result in losing her for good………. So confused and torn…… this is slowly killing me (no sleep and not eating well but hey, at least the beer belly has all but gone lol) Its just so unfair and hard………. Mate, Figured as someone whos been/going through a very similar situation it might help to hear some advice. First off, let me say I 100% completely understand how hard this is. You always think, maybe if I just do this or say this then surely she'll want to be with me. Let me tell you, and sorry for being blunt, but this doesn't end well. I've waited for nearly 3 years for my ex to decide, in that time both myself and friends have seen how its slowly torn me apart. You should never feel like you have to convince someone to be with you, no matter how much you want them to be. The other thing im learning, is even when they do decide what they want, often it doesnt last. When my ex finally decided she wanted to give something a go, she then went back on it twice. Even now she finds it impossible to give me a straight answer. If i had a £1 for every time she's said 'I don't know' I'd happily go and sit in my ferrari and cry. My best advice, which foolishly I can't seem to take myself, is to try and move on. Im on my second attempt at nc and yes its killing me, my numerous posts on this site is testament to that. Just dont make my mistake a waste 3 years on her!
Author OzHeartache Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I agree 100% with what your saying, I just want to be strong enough to say stuff you, I'm worth it, which I know I am, I'm a really nice guy and I always looked after her the best I could, Was open with my feelings and told her I loved her all the time (something she only did from time to time unless it was a "love you too" response) I don't want to be the only one fighting for the relationship and at this point, It looks like I am and I know I deserve better but this is where I think my character is flawed and why this is not the first time this has happened to me One of my best traits I believe is my loyalty, Instead of doing above, the loyalty kicks in and I see the "good" and "worth the fight" about the relationship I definitely wont be waiting 3 years, I will literally die before then because when im upset I let it consume me and I don't eat or sleep well at all (and my mind just wont switch off!!! ) I reckon I have 2 max 3 weeks left in me of this only...... Just need to stop sneaking on FB because no matter what I see, It just upsets me, think I'd learn but the wanting "closure" or a "reason" for how I can be told I love you one week to I need a break see you later the next............... so unfair and crap !! Mate, Figured as someone whos been/going through a very similar situation it might help to hear some advice. First off, let me say I 100% completely understand how hard this is. You always think, maybe if I just do this or say this then surely she'll want to be with me. Let me tell you, and sorry for being blunt, but this doesn't end well. I've waited for nearly 3 years for my ex to decide, in that time both myself and friends have seen how its slowly torn me apart. You should never feel like you have to convince someone to be with you, no matter how much you want them to be. The other thing im learning, is even when they do decide what they want, often it doesnt last. When my ex finally decided she wanted to give something a go, she then went back on it twice. Even now she finds it impossible to give me a straight answer. If i had a £1 for every time she's said 'I don't know' I'd happily go and sit in my ferrari and cry. My best advice, which foolishly I can't seem to take myself, is to try and move on. Im on my second attempt at nc and yes its killing me, my numerous posts on this site is testament to that. Just dont make my mistake a waste 3 years on her!
Pisces13 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Ive read a lot of articles about dumpees tend to put the dumpers on a pedestal, Need to try and focus on the negatives, the crap I didn't like about her and how she behaved.......... struggling with that though to be honest.... You need to focus on yourself more than anything. Get in shape, get your mind right. I've long been a gym rat, but since my ex broke up with me, I'm in the best shape I've ever been, I've been going to the gym every day and going hard too, that has really helped me with moving on. I still miss her a hell of a lot, but I think about her less over the last couple of weeks, and my main concern at the moment is myself. I still have a ways to go yet, but it's progress. Just miss her and what we had but moping wont bring her back, Just hard to pck yourself up but judging by a lot of the comments on here, Im not alone and it is hard.... just have to keep plugging away and try to listen to my brain, Not my bruised ego and heart You're not alone mate We're all there, we're all going through it. There is no one cure for fixing a broken heart, you just have to find what works best for helping you to deal with it, and stick it out. Things do get better, and this isn't the end of the world, I'm slowly starting to realize that myself
Author OzHeartache Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 You need to focus on yourself more than anything. Get in shape, get your mind right. I've long been a gym rat, but since my ex broke up with me, I'm in the best shape I've ever been, I've been going to the gym every day and going hard too, that has really helped me with moving on. yeah been trying to work out and doing some running, just need to eat though to keep up the energy You're not alone mate We're all there, we're all going through it. There is no one cure for fixing a broken heart, you just have to find what works best for helping you to deal with it, and stick it out. Things do get better, and this isn't the end of the world, I'm slowly starting to realize that myself cheers mate, I appreciate your guys support.....just wish I ddidnt let it affect me so much, getting ****y with the world which is not good.....especially the family who don't deserve it ............. Just want her to ring and say its back on or even its done so I can move on, Prefer option 1 though as I think its a waste otherwise
Author OzHeartache Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Well....... It's done After the last dinner I just left her alone totally as she requested but it was reaching a month and no word..... I decided to email her and ask her what was going on and that I had been working hard on myself and with my counsellor and was pretty confident I could fix the whole ex wife issue mentioned previously but more importantly i gave her a end of the month deadline that if i hadn't heard from her, i would assume she couldn't tell me it was over and i would move on (my deadline was more about if I hadn't heard from her not a make a decision by as i was dying and had to know or force the issue somehow) A week later she replied and said she had done Lot of thinking and that she still had no decision made and needed more time, she understood i wanted her to give us another chance but she knows I was suffering and wanted me to move on as that hurts her and as she said she was more about letting what will be will be and if something happens down the track then so be it She also mentioned that she wanted a family of her oneday (thinking she meant that in reference that things will still be the same with me and the ex being close a her feeling like a 3rd wheel) I replied and said I was happy to wait if she kept the communication open and I told her some of the things I had done to be a better person and ensure she didn't feel that way about me and the ex anymore and some more personality changes i had been working on and when she if she decides too, and was ready to just give us one more try (what did we have to loose anyway, we'd been together over a year) Anyway, got a reply today...... Basically she said i misunderstood and she meant she wants a family but she wants it with someone that doesn't already have one (ie someone with no kids already) and that her work may take her overseas in the near future and that she knows I can't go with her Sooooo devastated ..... I can't help that I have a child from a previous marriage (nor do I regret it, he's awesome and she liked him too).....we were together a year FFS....... Totally destroyed and broken :(
soccerrprp Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Oz, Sorry man. This is all you need to convince yourself to move on, right? You'll find someone else. Good luck.
Author OzHeartache Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I don't need convincing....... I have no choice Thanks for your reply
Compromize Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 My heart goes out to you brother. I'm a 37 year old divorced man with 2 wonderful boys and the reason my ex is gone is kids as well, but I'm my case it was her not willing to integrate our kids and live together. Then she said she couldn't deal with not being able to live together and not have me around all the time and would be afraid of me possibly leaving eventually and and this coming from the woman who left me multiple times. She called me a month ago and said she wanted me back but not yet. Only thing I have heard from her since then it's a couple texts about her still being afraid if we got back together I would eventually leave her. Who left who? Excuse me? She has been dating multiple guys as well. Time for me to move on, she clearly has and is just messing with my head. Long story short my friend; there is no such thing as a break, it's simply a breakup with training wheels so if they do decide, "damn there isn't someone better or I guess I don't really want to be single" they can come back to us with open arms. We are better off accepting the fact that they just didn't want to be with us otherwise they would have never said "take a break" or " goodbye". It sucks but that's the reality of the situation. Where are they? Not here. Keep fighting the good fight brother. I'm out here on the battlefield with you. 1
Author OzHeartache Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Thanks Compromize......I appreciate your support and I'm here for you too mate! Yes, let this be a lesson to all those guys on here when she says "I need space or some time"............. Start walking, Your heart is going to tell you to stay but if she needs to think about it, Shes already gone .... Just so gut wrenching, If I had treated her badly or cheated then it would be easy to understand and accept.....But I didn't do anything wrong Maybe I could have not been such good friends with my ex but then why should I put the happiness of my child before anyone else, Its great for him and everyone involved that we get on surely !??!?! She and he got on so well too, they had no issues so to say "I want kids and a family but I want them with someone that doesn't already have them"....... just unfair, upsetting and demoralising (and a little selfish) As angry as I am I hope she does find what she is looking for (Arrghhh I hate that I'm such a nice guy I just want to hate her for doing this to us !!!!! ) Anyway, I went home last night and deleted her from FB (that was sooo hard and I balled my eyes out, not afraid to say it) and all of her friends too.... I emailed them and explained that this was something that I had to do for me and that I appreciated them accepting me as one of the gang and got some really nice replies back saying your a great guy and they are all sorry this happened....... kinda nice to hear that from them) So now to start healing, NC I guess .................. I just don't know how or where to start..... 1
d0620 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 It's always difficult with blended families. There is a website out there for miserable step moms. It's even more difficult when the ex husband speaks so fondly of his ex wife and still has the illusion of a happy family except for its not with her. I can definitely understand how she could feel excluded and in many ways insecure of the relationship between you and your ex wife. At times she could feel like that's your family and she really is a uninvested party. She says she wants her own family someday and what she really means is she wants someone who thinks about her the way you speak of your ex wife. She wants to create her own original memories and don't want to be reminded of yours and your ex's. Sounds like you may still be in love with your ex wife and has unresolved issues.
siankat Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Mate, Figured as someone whos been/going through a very similar situation it might help to hear some advice. First off, let me say I 100% completely understand how hard this is. You always think, maybe if I just do this or say this then surely she'll want to be with me. Let me tell you, and sorry for being blunt, but this doesn't end well. I've waited for nearly 3 years for my ex to decide, in that time both myself and friends have seen how its slowly torn me apart. You should never feel like you have to convince someone to be with you, no matter how much you want them to be. The other thing im learning, is even when they do decide what they want, often it doesnt last. When my ex finally decided she wanted to give something a go, she then went back on it twice. Even now she finds it impossible to give me a straight answer. If i had a £1 for every time she's said 'I don't know' I'd happily go and sit in my ferrari and cry. My best advice, which foolishly I can't seem to take myself, is to try and move on. Im on my second attempt at nc and yes its killing me, my numerous posts on this site is testament to that. Just dont make my mistake a waste 3 years on her! This^^^ I am a fighter and like to fight for things, gives me focus and strength. But sometimes the strongest thing to do is the quietest, and that is to simply bow out gracefully. I live and learn, thankfully. It can be hard because it's easy to believe i can't be equally happy (if not more so i mean, we are suffering right now right?!) without the small part of me that wants him/cares for him/feels this way for no other, and the bigger part of me that is like 'hell no to that that that and that...and you can have that back and that back and that back' till ...who is this guy i want again? LOL defo not the one standing in front of me messing me around
Author OzHeartache Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 It's always difficult with blended families. There is a website out there for miserable step moms. It's even more difficult when the ex husband speaks so fondly of his ex wife and still has the illusion of a happy family except for its not with her. I can definitely understand how she could feel excluded and in many ways insecure of the relationship between you and your ex wife. At times she could feel like that's your family and she really is a uninvested party. She says she wants her own family someday and what she really means is she wants someone who thinks about her the way you speak of your ex wife. She wants to create her own original memories and don't want to be reminded of yours and your ex's. Sounds like you may still be in love with your ex wife and has unresolved issues. Definatley not In love with the Ex, We get on well because we know it didn't work and there is no point hating each other because of that fact ....especially when a child is involved Yeah I know she might have felt a little weird but really, I was with her every chance we had, I told her daily I loved her, bought presents, surprised her and generally treated her well..... There was no reason for her to feel like that I even told her some of the steps I was taking to make sure that I was showing her she is my number one so she wouldn't feel that way anymore.....but she doesn't even want to try Just sad and I know I shouldn't look at it this way because I know its not.....but it just feels like such a waste
Author OzHeartache Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 This^^^ I am a fighter and like to fight for things, gives me focus and strength. But sometimes the strongest thing to do is the quietest, and that is to simply bow out gracefully. I live and learn, thankfully. It can be hard because it's easy to believe i can't be equally happy (if not more so i mean, we are suffering right now right?!) without the small part of me that wants him/cares for him/feels this way for no other, and the bigger part of me that is like 'hell no to that that that and that...and you can have that back and that back and that back' till ...who is this guy i want again? LOL defo not the one standing in front of me messing me around Yeah I know, When someone says "I want a family but not with you" ......Not a lot you can do but bow out and move on I miss her terribly......but.....Guess that's life.......can be so unfair at times
siankat Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 It is mate....and i know i am still one of the lucky ones. I'm sure you want someone who wants you too unequivocally so i guess with the added blow of feeling rejected, it kinda is like any facet of a person's personality. It's a thing you don't like and is not conducive to a relationship. You can't want someone who doesn't want you as that should be a fundamental flaw and deal breaker in your mind if you truly put you first in a respectful way. It's true the brain catches on first and the heart...oh the heart... Please hurry up you slow coach!
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