OzHeartache Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) I just cannot take a trick After my 13 months gf told me she “needed space” and then dumped me 2 months later as she wants to have kids but she wants to have them with someone who doesn’t already have them (I have a son from a previous marriage that she knew about from day one)….I later found out there was a new guy on the scene pretty quick so in hindsight I think this was more the reason, either way, both reasons are crushing to my ego and confidence I did some soul searching for another few months and then decided to jump back online just for a look, I had no intention of contacting anyone I just wanted to see what was out there. I came across a girls profile that fit me to a T so I took the leap of faith…. She contacted me back and we hit it off really well We have so much in common, exactly the same age (38) we get on extremely well and the sex was great (and I know she felt the same as she told me that word for word) but then after 6 weeks, this last weekend she was acting a little weird and distant, we never slept together which I thought was strange as we both really liked being together….anyway she called last night and she still sounded distant and then bang out of the blue she said the words “I just don’t think this is going to work out”…..she says she feels more like we are good mates as she doesn’t “feel the spark”………… WTF !??!? where did this come from This is honestly breaking my soul, I know it was only 6 weeks but I can tell you I was totally blind sided and did not see this coming, there was not one sign !??! She met my family and friends and I hers and all signs were this was going strong, I asked her straight out if there was someone else which she assures me there isn’t and I do believe her. We even spoke about doing something together in the near future.... Why would you do that if you had doubts about the relationship....it makes no sense Her history is littered with deadbeats and bad guys who treated her like crap and I am a good guy who likes to treat my ladies with respect and make them feel special and I did that with her, She has never been married or had kids because they have all been jerks How the hell do I pick myself up from this, 2 girls who both said I am a great guy just not what they are looking for……… How can I not take this personally, how do I find strength to do this again……I seriously feel numb and physically sick……what the hell is wrong with me !??!?! Edited August 13, 2013 by OzHeartache
templeofmax Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 You said that the sex was great, but ten that you did not sleep together. Confused...
Author OzHeartache Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 You said that the sex was great, but ten that you did not sleep together. Confused... just not this past weekend while she was acting a little weird(obviously she had doubts in her head but it makes no sense where they came from)
templeofmax Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Man, what is wrong with you is just BAD LUCK!!! Maybe this one likes those jerks. There are women like that, they feel attracted to the wrong kind of people and when they see it its too late in their life. Don't beat yourself up. I know it sucks, but maybe you also looked for somebody else while you still had feeling for your ex. Is this the case?
Author OzHeartache Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Man, what is wrong with you is just BAD LUCK!!! Maybe this one likes those jerks. There are women like that, they feel attracted to the wrong kind of people and when they see it its too late in their life. Don't beat yourself up. I know it sucks, but maybe you also looked for somebody else while you still had feeling for your ex. Is this the case? Yeah I know it sucks and that's life, its happened before and I hate to say it it will probably happen again.....I just want to find someone that's willing to give as much as I do......guess that's what we all want and I know Im going to miss her, she is a great girl, if she says she doesn't have the spark for me then there is nothing I can do about that.....Im mature enough to realise it but it doesn't stop the hurt Nah, pretty sure I was over the ex, I mean of course I had feelings for her still being the dumpee but I had accepted it was over and spent a few month self analysing, I had to get back out there because I wasn't going to find anyone sitting at home alone moping.......I did get out a lot and do things I like, Photography, skydiving, and got right into the fitness, If I didn't think I was over her or ready then I wouldn't have looked on the dating site to see what was out there ....... Just not looking forward to having to go down that road again of "self discovery" and "loving myself" (yuck! ) , not when I honestly thought this one was different and who I had been searching for......Its just she didn't feel the same and it sucks but I just have to suck it up and try and enjoy being alone again
templeofmax Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 How long were you with you ex, the LT one? If you are really over her, then don't beat yourself up over a 6-week relationship. I know you thought good things about this one, but imagine if it had been longer, with real feelings attached, then that would had been worse. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Whatever is for you, will be. How old are you?
Author OzHeartache Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 How long were you with you ex, the LT one? If you are really over her, then don't beat yourself up over a 6-week relationship. I know you thought good things about this one, but imagine if it had been longer, with real feelings attached, then that would had been worse. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Whatever is for you, will be. How old are you? we were both 38, Yes I know if I can move on after the first one of 13months then I should be able to with this one of 6 weeks............. Just really shattered as I was totally blindsided and thought it was a good thing, I'm now doubting I have any clues about how to read relationships and that scares me a lot as I thought this one was way more suited than my marriage or the 13month girl I HATE feeling like this but I do want to find someone to be happy with, I like being in a relationship and sharing my life with someone...... the ones I think feel the same haven't been ....... I just don't get it sometimes but I know that's life.... it can be terribly unfair sometimes
templeofmax Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Life is a roller coaster, but if you have to learn from the bad times, cause that is what really makes you who you are. You will meet somebody else, and maybe she will be the one. You are still young, so try to look at the big picture. Its not like you haven't loved before. In love some people are lucky the first time, but then they may not be lucky in some other instances. Someone else should not define us, even if we find the one, and we spend the rest of their lives with them. We are what defines us. I know this could be mumbo jumbo, but look at it that way. See your attributes in other areas of life and think that finding the one is just one area that still needs to be fulfilled. If that is what needs to be fulfilled, IT WILL HAPPEN. I mean, it happened already for a while, so the next one could be the one, or could not, but eventually it will get fulfilled. 1
Author OzHeartache Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Ughhh, another night of no sleep, why can't I turn my brain off!!! Sent her a message last night, nothing bad or begging, just told her that there is spark (has to have been as the sex was often and good) and I feel she is running away or scared, I also told her that I like her alot and it seems such a shame to throw it away so early when there is so many good things going for us Don't expect her to change her mind I guess I just felt I never got a chance to plead my case as I was so blindsided and in shock as I didn't expect this one bit The more I think of it the more I think she is one of these honeymoon phase chasers or that she really likes the bad guys and needs that for "the spark"..... Just seems like such a waste and is really unfair but I guess sometimes we get no choice in things.... Really sucks
StraylightRun24 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Oz, as a guy who basically had the same thing happen back in December my heart goes out to you. Here is my story from way back in January. The comments and insight are really good and possibly might help you out. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/369938-broken-up-because-lack-spark Ironically the last time I spoke to her a couple of days after the out of the blue break up I also let her know that I at least thought there were "sparks" between us or I would have never continued going out on dates with her. Her response, "That was just the excitement of a new relationship...." and here I thought that's exactly what sparks were! 1
Author OzHeartache Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) Oz, as a guy who basically had the same thing happen back in December my heart goes out to you. Here is my story from way back in January. The comments and insight are really good and possibly might help you out. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/369938-broken-up-because-lack-spark Ironically the last time I spoke to her a couple of days after the out of the blue break up I also let her know that I at least thought there were "sparks" between us or I would have never continued going out on dates with her. Her response, "That was just the excitement of a new relationship...." and here I thought that's exactly what sparks were! Thank you Straylight that was very helpful, Wow... Our stories are very similar! I know she has done the right thing if she just isn't feeling the relationship, I know its better now than further down the track with more emotions invested but on the other hand, apart of me is also really disappointed as we had so many things in common and always had a great time together and I really don't get why it even lasted so long (even if it was only 6weeks) if there wasn't something there at all to begin with and its annoying that that's not going to be explored, I think that's more the upsetting part but I just have to accept it because I can analyse it over and over she isn't going to come back She did reply to my text not long ago, Basically she said "I'm really sorry but that's how I feel and I wish I did feel different as you are a really great guy and I promise I will let you know if I change my mind or realise ive made a mistake" (I mentioned that I hope if she realised she made a mistake she wouldn't be too proud to call) So I guess that's it..... All over..........just so sad and another case of "nice guy finishing last" ....... I just want someone that will fight as hard as I do for a relationship but they all just seem to walk/run Wish I knew what I was doing wrong, I'm tired of feeling down like this.....like I'm not good enough for them to want to stay Edited August 14, 2013 by OzHeartache
StraylightRun24 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Thank you Straylight that was very helpful, Wow... Our stories are very similar! I know she has done the right thing if she just isn't feeling the relationship, I know its better now than further down the track with more emotions invested but on the other hand, apart of me is also really disappointed as we had so many things in common and always had a great time together and I really don't get why it even lasted so long (even if it was only 6weeks) if there wasn't something there at all to begin with and its annoying that that's not going to be explored, I think that's more the upsetting part but I just have to accept it because I can analyse it over and over she isn't going to come back She did reply to my text not long ago, Basically she said "I'm really sorry but that's how I feel and I wish I did feel different as you are a really great guy and I promise I will let you know if I change my mind or realise ive made a mistake" (I mentioned that I hope if she realised she made a mistake she wouldn't be too proud to call) So I guess that's it..... All over..........just so sad and another case of "nice guy finishing last" ....... I just want someone that will fight as hard as I do for a relationship but they all just seem to walk/run Wish I knew what I was doing wrong, I'm tired of feeling down like this.....like I'm not good enough for them to want to stay UGH! My ex basically said the same exact thing. Something along the lines of, "You're great and I should be falling in love with you, but for whatever reason I'm not." Talk about getting kicked while being down! I won't lie to you Oz I feel the same way a lot of days. It's crazy but 8 months later I still wake up a lot of days and she's the first thing that pops into my head and I wonder, "What the hell is wrong with me? We had so much fun together and I was my best for her. How couldn't it have worked this time?" BUT you know where that gets me (and us)? NOWHERE! They both decided for whatever reason they would rather be alone or with someone else than us. It hurts and blows big time but as they say, "if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is." You seem like a real legit and good guy. Just try to remind yourself that every day. Some girls (and guys for that matter) just don't realize a good thing when they have it. Unfortunately I feel both of our exes are like that. I don't know if this is going to come across as delusional or bitter but I sort of feel sorry for my ex. She threw something away that was just the beginning of something that was going to be amazing.
forgetmenot75 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Ughhh, another night of no sleep, why can't I turn my brain off!!! Sent her a message last night, nothing bad or begging, just told her that there is spark (has to have been as the sex was often and good) and I feel she is running away or scared, I also told her that I like her alot and it seems such a shame to throw it away so early when there is so many good things going for us Don't expect her to change her mind I guess I just felt I never got a chance to plead my case as I was so blindsided and in shock as I didn't expect this one bit The more I think of it the more I think she is one of these honeymoon phase chasers or that she really likes the bad guys and needs that for "the spark"..... Just seems like such a waste and is really unfair but I guess sometimes we get no choice in things.... Really sucks Nooo, let let alone!!! Maybe there is a spark indeed, but only on your side, it sucks and I'm sorry. I tend to thing you rushed things a little too much, perhaps because you haven't mourned your last breakup. She met your family...and you were seeing each other for only 6 weeks? I do hope you haven't introduced her to your son, for the sake of your son. You need to focus on yourself right now, try to be happy alone for a while. It's evident something is failing, and you need to resolve that before jumping into a new relationship.
forgetmenot75 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 "Wish I knew what I was doing wrong, I'm tired of feeling down like this.....like I'm not good enough for them to want to stay" Please take care of yourself. You think you're not good enough because your self esteem is really low. no one wants to be with someone who doesn't love themselves first.
Demoralised_10 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Very similar story to mine mate, met a girl online hit if off and had the most amazing 3 months of my life. Spoke everyday, showered me with love and affection almost immediately then out of the blue feelings had changed. I also got a reply similar to yours, 'amazing guy, really wish my feelings hadn't changed but I can't help the way I feel'. Like you I've only ever wanted to give my all in a relationship, I've spent long periods single believing that no-one wants a nice bloke and that I will always finish last. I'm 34 so similar age bracket. The best thing I did was take the advice from friends and people on here who actively encouraged me to go NC. I've done that immediately, and although its so hard I've actually found it to be hugely beneficial. I gave my all to the brief time we were together but I've learnt over the last few weeks that this was just glossing over things in my life I wasnt happy about and putting off making changes. By making the necessary changes to be happy in yourself will prepare you for the next person to come into your life. You can assure yourself that this woman didn't know a good thing when she had it and ultimately it's her loss! Be positive mate- I'm trying too!
Author OzHeartache Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 UGH! My ex basically said the same exact thing. Something along the lines of, "You're great and I should be falling in love with you, but for whatever reason I'm not." Talk about getting kicked while being down! I won't lie to you Oz I feel the same way a lot of days. It's crazy but 8 months later I still wake up a lot of days and she's the first thing that pops into my head and I wonder, "What the hell is wrong with me? We had so much fun together and I was my best for her. How couldn't it have worked this time?" BUT you know where that gets me (and us)? NOWHERE! They both decided for whatever reason they would rather be alone or with someone else than us. It hurts and blows big time but as they say, "if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is." You seem like a real legit and good guy. Just try to remind yourself that every day. Some girls (and guys for that matter) just don't realize a good thing when they have it. Unfortunately I feel both of our exes are like that. I don't know if this is going to come across as delusional or bitter but I sort of feel sorry for my ex. She threw something away that was just the beginning of something that was going to be amazing. Mate, your thoughts are a true mirror of mine….. all this above exactly!! We were so great together but I just have to accept she doesn’t want to be with me, It sucks big time but no amount of analysing is going to bring her or the good times back Yes I do consider myself a good guy, I treat my girls with respect and try and make them feel special without smothering, I guess that’s backed up by the fact both of them said “you’re a great guy and I love being with you but…..” Just so sick of the “buts”, How can I not feel deflated and my self-esteem smashed to smithereens after it happening twice !?!?!? ….. Guess that’s the million dollar question and why I’m here. I’m sure only time is going to help but Im sick of waiting for time lol, Just going to take patience I guess I think you are right and she will realise what she had in time, As I mentioned previously she has had a string of deadbeat boyfriends, part of me thinks that maybe she is one of these weird girls that like that, the bad boys so to speak, If that is the case then I guess it was doomed from the start (because Im not), would be a lot easier to accept if she was annoying, ordinary in bed or a pain but she wasn’t, she was perfect in nearly every way (for me)
Author OzHeartache Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Nooo, let let alone!!! Maybe there is a spark indeed, but only on your side, it sucks and I'm sorry. I tend to thing you rushed things a little too much, perhaps because you haven't mourned your last breakup. She met your family...and you were seeing each other for only 6 weeks? I do hope you haven't introduced her to your son, for the sake of your son. You need to focus on yourself right now, try to be happy alone for a while. It's evident something is failing, and you need to resolve that before jumping into a new relationship. Yeah I thought I was taking this one alot more slower and cautious, Normally I do throw myself in too quick, I learnt that with the first one, There were signs early on that she may be a runner and very selfish and I choose to ignore them so I kinda learnt the hardway I haven't seen any such signs with this girl, it truly was really really great being with her which I guess is why after only 6weeks im suffering alot, Because I guess its the closest I have come to "the one" (not that i think there is only 1 person out there for us all) and its so demoralising to loose that I know my self esteem is shot, its happened twice so I reckon even the strongest people would feel the punch if this happened to them No definatley did not introduce my son, I only introduced him to the first one and that was a good 7-8months after we got together ...... Thats one thing I wont compromise my little champion, Right now he is the only thing keeping me going to be honest
Author OzHeartache Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Very similar story to mine mate, met a girl online hit if off and had the most amazing 3 months of my life. Spoke everyday, showered me with love and affection almost immediately then out of the blue feelings had changed. I also got a reply similar to yours, 'amazing guy, really wish my feelings hadn't changed but I can't help the way I feel'. Like you I've only ever wanted to give my all in a relationship, I've spent long periods single believing that no-one wants a nice bloke and that I will always finish last. I'm 34 so similar age bracket. The best thing I did was take the advice from friends and people on here who actively encouraged me to go NC. I've done that immediately, and although its so hard I've actually found it to be hugely beneficial. I gave my all to the brief time we were together but I've learnt over the last few weeks that this was just glossing over things in my life I wasnt happy about and putting off making changes. By making the necessary changes to be happy in yourself will prepare you for the next person to come into your life. You can assure yourself that this woman didn't know a good thing when she had it and ultimately it's her loss! Be positive mate- I'm trying too! Yes demoralised I feel your pain mate, its so weird that almost totally like a switch went off, one day we are together and happy, next she was teling me on the phone "I dont think its going to work" I was totally blindsided...litterally speechless, I actually thought at first she was joking as she was a very funny/bubbly person but then total numbness..... why how !??!?! Im definatley in NC, I did that with the first one and your right, its tough when you miss them so much but you need to think of it like a band aid....you rip it off slowly and gradually it hursts more than if you just go the whole hog and rip it off quick, still hurts but less yes we need to be positive I know mate.....I'll be trying with you!
Author OzHeartache Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 $%. !! Just logged onto the dating site I met my ex to have a look around (my profile is still hidden as im not ready but I can still look/search) and there she is.... The ex is back on Although I know she has everyright and knew it would happen eventually, I still can't believe this exact time only 1 week ago we were down the club having a few drinks and a great time....... Just goes to show you really do have to appreciate things when you have them, no idea a week later I would be sitting here upset and had lost my girl...... All Gone :(
templeofmax Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 1 week after she is back on the site? Are you sure she had removed her profile? Even so, she is looking for a rebound, she did not forget you. In any case, you are to stay away from that site for a while.
Author OzHeartache Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 1 week after she is back on the site? Are you sure she had removed her profile? Even so, she is looking for a rebound, she did not forget you. In any case, you are to stay away from that site for a while. Less than a week! Yes we both hid our profiles as we were happy.... Or so it seemed Yes as I mentioned above, I'm definitely not ready but still hurts that she is out there so quickly although she has done nothing wrong and deserves to find someone, guess it just hurts that she is (obviously) not as upset as I am about it not working out and this time last week we were laying in bed together and I was happy....... The fact I didn't see this coming and was blind sided has really knocked me over.... It's a very weird feeling
Kimmie80 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I am so glad that I am not the only one who is shattered and heartbroken over a short relationship. Mine was only 8 weeks and it hurts like hell!! I think its because it was a sudden split. This is the stage of the whole 'pupply love' phase. The butterflies, the excitement, cant wait to see and hear from them, no fighting. Just plain perfect. He walked because of my low self esteem issue. Out of the blue, when things were perfect, I bashed him. Accused him of using me and telling him that I didnt feel good enough for him. All because I got scared from the feelings that I was developing for him. He got hurt with how I felt and walked. I am crushed. I go from 2 months straight of communicating with him all day long, even in the middle of the night when we couldnt sleep to nothing. All of a sudden. I am now on 31 days of NC and I am waiting for it to get better. I cannot believe how attached I have gotten. Stay strong.
Author OzHeartache Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 I am so glad that I am not the only one who is shattered and heartbroken over a short relationship. Mine was only 8 weeks and it hurts like hell!! I think its because it was a sudden split. This is the stage of the whole 'pupply love' phase. The butterflies, the excitement, cant wait to see and hear from them, no fighting. Just plain perfect. He walked because of my low self esteem issue. Out of the blue, when things were perfect, I bashed him. Accused him of using me and telling him that I didnt feel good enough for him. All because I got scared from the feelings that I was developing for him. He got hurt with how I felt and walked. I am crushed. I go from 2 months straight of communicating with him all day long, even in the middle of the night when we couldnt sleep to nothing. All of a sudden. I am now on 31 days of NC and I am waiting for it to get better. I cannot believe how attached I have gotten. Stay strong. Yeah the "Suddenness" definatley is tough as I was blindsided bigtime I think im struggling more so as this girl was great, A perfect match in so many ways, great personality, great sex, we had a lot of fun together and had the same morals and values but..... She didn't "have the spark"...... I guess because that's not something I could have changed, its either there or it wasn't, it was for me....but not for her In someways I'd rather she said I was crap in bed or I stink, then atleast I had something I could work on or change but bloody "spark"....... out of my control which is why its so tough to accept I think but as you said, we just have to try and stay strong, not take it personally and keep moving forward....... Im sure (Hope!) that there is someone out there that will stay loyal and try as hard as I do next time
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