Marisa Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Hi, I have a question about engagement rings? I am not a materialistic person and I have never been one but over the holidays my boyfriend proposed to me. Marriage is very important to me so he asked me to marry him even though marriage is not of great importance to him. He did it because he cared and didn' t want to lose me. The ring that he picked out for me was nice but the diamond was really really small. It was a .13 caret diamond. I know that I shouldn't be fussy about this but I would have to wear this ring my whole life and I really wanted something that I liked. He has no idea what style of ring I like. The store that he purchased the ring is a very well known store and has a reputation for being very pricey. I know he can afford a nicer ring because he said before he presented me with the ring that "you haven't even seen the ring yet, it's not spectacular and I'm a cheap guy".. I am not even asking for a giant rock but one that is of average size. He makes pretty good money and could easily buy me something that is average size but his refusal to buy me something that I like concerns me. Somehow I can't help but to think that he doesn't love me enough to get me something that he knows I will like more. So I told him that I wanted to pick out my own ring. I told him I liked that ring he got me but I wanted to look around for something else. He agreed and said that the sales lady at the jewlerry store even said that most men would go with their fiancee to pick out a ring and that it was perfectly fine with him. I know he wasn't too happy with me but what was I supposed to do??? We went back to the store the next day and returned it. I looked at other selections in the store but he was dead set on getting me a ring that costs no more than what he had paid. Because we both live in seperate provinces, it would be difficult to go shopping for rings. Since having returned the ring, he has not mentioned anything about finding another ring for me. I am worried and feel like I am not even engaged to this man. Was I wrong in doing this?? I don't know what to do. I have not brought up this issue with him over the phone because I am scared it will ignite another argument. Now I feel like a bad person for asking him to return the ring. He accused me of being materialistic and that made me cry. I don't understand him?? Maybe he doesn't love me enough and I am not worth it. I don't know but that's how he made me feel. HE said that I am not from a rich family and he is not rich either and we don't need to spend so much money on the ring. He went as far as to say that I wanted to show off the ring, which I do of course. Any women I know would do that too. They would love to show their family and friends their ring.. Could someone please advise me because I don't even know what's going on now. Thanks, Marisa
moimeme Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 If you honestly believe that love can be measured in dollar terms, perhaps he's rethinking marrying you and perhaps that's a good idea. I imagine he's disappointed at your response - not that you didn't like the ring because of its design, but because you were upset it wasn't 'big enough'. Maybe it was even a test, which you failed. I honestly think you maybe need to do a little more maturing. If you really loved him, you'd be happy to marry him and the ring would not be an issue - and I'm betting that's exactly what he's thinking.
Adunaphel Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 I know he can afford a nicer ring because he said before he presented me with the ring that "you haven't even seen the ring yet, it's not spectacular and I'm a cheap guy".. His words do not necessarily mean that he could afford something bigger and refused to. It is instead most unlikely that he wanted to send you such a message. Besides, do you really think a cheap guy would have got the ring from a pricy store??? Come on. It's not like he tried to spend as less money as possible. I hope this wasn't a kind of test, because if so you have failed it. Was I wrong in doing this?? I'd say that what you did was very untactful and must have disappointed him a lot. If I were him, I'd be really hurt. I don't know if you are materialistic, but surely you acted in a very materialistic way. UNLESS you spend _a lot_ of money on him and you have always put more effort/money/time in the relationship than he ever did, or he is _filthy_ rich and spends a lot of money on fancy things for himself. So I told him that I wanted to pick out my own ring. I told him I liked that ring he got me but I wanted to look around for something else. He agreed and said that the sales lady at the jewlerry store even said that most men would go with their fiancee to pick out a ring and that it was perfectly fine with him. I know he wasn't too happy with me but what was I supposed to do??? Your fiance acted as a real gentleman - had it been only a "the ring is not my style of ring, it looks bad on me, I'd rather it had a different frame/shape" problem, he wouldn't even have resented you for 'ruining' the magic of the proposal. He wouldn't have taken it personally when you said you'd rather pick your own ring. Men like this are rare treasures. It must have been a real blow to him when he realized that what you really had problems with is the cost of the ring. Maybe he doesn't love me enough and I am not worth it. The size of the ring in the big majority of cases is not related to the amount of love one feels for a person. Any women I know would do that too. They would love to show their family and friends their ring.. Wouldn't you rather show off a nice, loving, caring husband? My advice is letting him know as soon as possible that you'd be more than happy to marry him without a ring, spending some money on him so he knows that you are not really materialistic, and hoping that he can forget about this sad proposal accident.
alphamale Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by Marisa I am not a materialistic person and I have never been one The ring that he picked out for me was nice but the diamond was really really small. It was a .13 caret diamond I know he can afford a nicer ring He makes pretty good money and could easily buy me something that is average size but his refusal to buy me something that I like concerns me. Read the above excerpts MARISA. You contradict yourself totally. In addition, your now fiancee is getting married cause you are forcing him into it and this is a bad foot to start out upon.
RowanRavyn Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 So, you have a guy who is unenthusiastic about marriage, but is doing it so he won't "lose" you. He buys you a ring from a reputable source, but got one that was too small by your standards. It doesn't sound like he is being cheap. He could have gone to a lesser store, and bought you something larger for the same price. It appears he went for quality over quantity. I think you are in serious danger of being viewed as a whiney demanding girlfriend.
binturong Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 You need to reexamine your priorities. Is it more important to you to have a ring than the guy who asked you to marry him? No matter how big or small the diamond is, he went through the trouble of picking it out, buying it, and presenting it to you and you want to just throw it back in his face.
Pocky Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I don't think it's that bad that she asked to look for another ring. It is something she has to wear for quite some time so I don't think there is anything wrong with her wanting to get something a little different. He should have found out what style she liked in the first place. Just because a ring isn't a priority for him doesn't mean it shouldn't be one for her either. I'm a cheapass when it comes to jewelry and I know that .13 is extremely small and you can get some pretty rings out there under $800. In my opinion, that's not asking too much..
Elmo Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I'm not going to jump on you for what you did...but give you a different perspective. I honestly think your boyfriend may be having second thoughts after what happened with the ring. Men are VERY different than women. He was doing something he knew you wanted...he felt differently about it...but he decided to do this for you. And to him...it's like you slapped him in the face. You sound like you are in pain...and that you do love him....so I'm going to tell you what "I" think will help. Have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him that you were overemotional about the ring, were being a bit greedy in wanting to show it off, etc....but now you realize that the real "ring" is him. Tell him...let's just forget about this for awhile and let me show you that I am more than a materialistic girl with no depth. Let me prove my love and devotion to you...then...in the future...if and when YOU want to give me such a beautiful gift again....I will accept it and love it no matter if it is a cigar band. Sorry if this sounds unfair to you, and your "dreams" of having a fancy ring. However when men get wounded like this... they usually cut their losses. It sounds like he is disconnecting from you already. I would not cry, tantrum, state my case over and over. It will drive most men away. If you treasure this man...just think about what I've said. I think you have ALOT of fence mending. Good luck.
magda Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I don't see why you should have to wear your engagement ring your whole life.
johan Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I think it was OK what you did. Or at least I think you were justified feeling how you felt. I wasn't there to see exactly how you handled it. Maybe you weren't sensitive enough to his feelings or something. But then him accusing you of being materialistic and wanting to show off your ring was a little dense of him. Engagement rings are more meaningful than that to most women. Very symbolic. I'm lucky enough to be with a girl who thinks they're a waste. At least that's what she says. Could be a trap. There are rules for how much a guy should spend. If you are expecting him to spend more than that, then I'd say you probably deserve the "materialistic" label. Maybe you and he can agree on an appropriate amount based on the common guidelines, unless he's completely unmovable on the amount. In that case then at least you could pick one out together. The style should be something you appreciate. Shouldn't make much difference to him as long as you are happy. He may feel hurt because he was hoping you would be more focused on the fact that you got a ring at all, versus the ring itself. What it means versus what it is. I think you're wondering if he's taking you for granted. As if he doesn't care that much and wants to get off cheap. Without knowing his actual financial situation, it's hard to judge. Hopefully you and he can talk about this until you both feel you were listened to and reached a compromise that doesn't leave one of you feeling a lot of resentment. This is not a bad thing. Assuming both of you have genuine, deep feelings for each other. These are the things that can cause you both to have a much deeper understanding of each other. If your feelings are real, it won't tear you apart. If they aren't, then maybe it will. And you should be glad about it either way.
mymojo Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 a .13 diamond is basically a diamond chip,it's not an engagement ring IMHO. The guy is telling her something here and it isn't good. He could have gone to a jeweler's exchange and gotten a bigger stone for the same money,he could have purchased a man made diamond or given her a non-traditional ring with another type of stone. Sounds like he's not really interested in marrying her but can't bring himself to say it directly.
RowanRavyn Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by mymojo Sounds like he's not really interested in marrying her but can't bring himself to say it directly. Bingo. I will take my sterling silver, celtic knotwork ring any day. I didn't pick it out. It cost about twenty bucks, but its perfect.
binturong Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I don't think it's that bad that she asked to look for another ring. It is something she has to wear for quite some time so I don't think there is anything wrong with her wanting to get something a little different. He should have found out what style she liked in the first place. No, it's not necessarily bad that she asked to look for another ring, but she wants him to spend MORE money on a ring she thinks is acceptable. Do you see how that can come across as materialistic? So because she thinks he should be able to afford a more expensive ring, he automatically needs to pony it up? I don't think it's really a style issue. It's a rock ($$$) issue. But then him accusing you of being materialistic and wanting to show off your ring was a little dense of him. She admitted to wanting to show the ring off to her friends and family. He wasn't all that dense. And it's not that far off the bat either. What's the first thing you do when someone tells you they're engaged? "Let's see the ring!" It is a symbol of the engagement. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she shouldn't get what she wants. I'm just saying it's sounding like if she makes a big deal out of this whole ring thing, she's going to lose both the ring and the man...and I can see his point too. What's really the most important thing here? It certainly isn't the ring. It's the fact that he asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. I don't know their situation. Maybe he wanted to spend less on the ring so that he could give her the wedding she wants. Or maybe he wanted to save money for a honeymoon, or a house...there are a lot of ways that money can be better spent, and they don't all mean that he doesn't value her.
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I wonder how he would act if he wanted a twenty seven inch tv for the living room and you got him a four inch black and white? It's about what's important to ya. If it's important to ya to sport a nice ring, then he should pay attention to that.
Pocky Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by binturong No, it's not necessarily bad that she asked to look for another ring, but she wants him to spend MORE money on a ring she thinks is acceptable. Do you see how that can come across as materialistic? So because she thinks he should be able to afford a more expensive ring, he automatically needs to pony it up? I don't think it's really a style issue. It's a rock ($$$) issue. You might have missed this comment that she made.. The store that he purchased the ring is a very well known store and has a reputation for being very pricey. It's possible that she could find a ring she liked at another store for the same price. I know that people can get carried away with ring size and how much money is spent on engagement rings, but I honestly don't see that from this girl. Her ring was .13! Does anyone realize how small that is? I don't see anything wrong with wanting to shop around to find another ring that she likes. They're getting married - if they can't communicate with each other about what they want in life without the other person taking offense then there's a serious issue. And it sounds like there's a serious issue anyway. I'm not sure I'd want to marry someone I knew was being forced to marry me when they really didn't want to.. Forget the ring - find a new boyfriend.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I think its a red flag that he proposed to you just so that he wouldn't lose you, and that marriage is not of great importance to him. I think you should concentrate on that issue rather than the ring. Will a marriage work when one partner doesn't believe in the institution? With that said, I expect the person I marry to give me the best that he can. If I want a nice big diamond, then I expect him to try his best. Just like I try my best for Christmas, his birthday, and every other day to give him exactly what he wants. Do I see what the big deal is with autographed baseballs? No. But its what he wants. He may not get why I like jewelry, but it doesn't matter- its what I want. I also think that you should be congratulated, not admonished, for telling him that you don't like the ring. Honesty is a necessary tool for marriage (when delivered with tact, of course).
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Yeah, he probably wouldn't like her if her cup size was .13, now would he? .13? Can you even see the thing?
alphamale Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama .13 is seriously microscopic. Personally I don't think this guy really wants to marry MARISA. This is made sadly apparent by the fact that he got her such a small ring esp when he can afford a bigger one. I am really not bothered by MARISA thinking that the ring was too small, that is fine, what ticked ME off was when she prefaced everythign by saying she in not a materialistic person and then complaining about ring size. When my ma died about 8 yrs ago she left me her 2 carat diamond ring worth almost $15K. I hope I never find a woman to give it to.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Personally I don't think this guy really wants to marry MARISA. This is made sadly apparent by the fact that he got her such a small ring esp when he can afford a bigger one. Yep.
binturong Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I was thinking that the jewelry store didn't give him cash back, but rather store credit. If he did get cash, that's different. And yes, I know how tiny 0.13 carats is. The channel set stones in my wedding band are 3x that weight each. All I was saying is that he did give her what she wanted...he proposed to her and is willing to marry her. Why nitpick? If all she wanted was a diamond, why didn't she just ask for one instead of saying she wanted to be engaged? I guess yeah, it's about what's important to her...but in this case, what's more important? Marrying this guy or getting the ring she wants? I personally wouldn't feel comfortable TELLING someone how much money to spend on something that's supposed to be a GIFT from him to me.
jmargel Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Buy him something expensive showing how much you love him, and only then come back here complaining the ring wasn't big enough. Be happy you got a decent guy. If you read 99% of the other posts on here, most women would gladly accept a small ring in exchange for a good man. If you base his love on what he gives you, then my god.. I feel sorry for his soul, because he's going to end up a lonely and financially broke man.
tiki Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 ...and you shouldn't HAVE to forfeit getting a ring for getting married.
Matilda Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 It seems to me that the ring isn't really the important issue here, but whether or not the 2 of you should really get married. He doesn't really want to be married, he's just doing it so he won't lose you. He doesn't seem to understand you, and you don't seem to understand him. I would examine your relationship with him more closely. Have some very deep discussions about his feelings about marriage, life in general, values, etc. What does he want out of life? What do you want out of life? Do you want the typical family dream, kids, home, 2 cars in the garage, or something less conventional? Given the current disagreement about rings, I would be especially concerned that the 2 of you are on the same page financially. Find out whether he is a saver or a spender, and what kind of things he likes to spend his money on. Being compatible financially is a big part of marriage. I guess I'm afraid you may be getting married, just to get married, not because you really want to make a life partnership with this man. And I would want any man I married to be excited about marrying me, and wanting to make me happy. And you should want to make him happy, and be willing to compromise on some issues. If he doesn't see the importance of a big ring, then find some sort of compromise with him. If after all the discussion you feel that marriage is right for the 2 of you, then I would drop the issue of an engagement ring altogether. Pick out some nice wedding bands together, and focus on what's really important, the relationship between the 2 of you.
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