Kizmet Fisher Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 You're totally right I think. Your post reflects a lot of what my friends and trusted mentors have said to me in person, and they all say that forgiveness goes a long way. I've apologized to her about the things I said, because no matter what happened, I do not want to be a nasty person who can justify saying whatever he wants because of a certain history he doesn't like. Knowing her, I realize that this wasn't easy for her at all, but she's making a point of being honest and answering each question I have for her no matter how badly she knows I'll take it - but there comes a point where it doesn't matter the details anymore... That's also something I realized - I know I can make this new relationship as good or as bad as I want. Being cautious and demanding will be a defense mechanism for myself, but there's no point to it because It'll be the very thing that will disallow the relationship from growing again. Sometimes you just have to be vulnerable in order to build trust once more. I spoke to a leader at my church, and it's something that took a lot of guts for me to do, but I've never felt better. I never have even considered approaching an adult (especially a church member who knows my family well) about something like this, but I think it was definitely a growing experience for me, and I'm so glad I did. This man's made a lot of mistakes in his life, and he's only recently realized that he wasted most of his life for the simple reason that he was just never able to forgive. This advice really spoke to me because I knew in my heart that it is true. I know that at the end of the day, all I can do is try and be the most loving and forgiving person I can, and if people screw me, then it's on their conscience and I can't say I didn't try. That's all very well and good, but this doesn't really seem to be about forgiveness even though you seem to think it is. It's more about the fact that she is a flaky seventeen year old girl who is about to go off to college, an experience which will inextricably change her. This is a huge period of growth and change for everyone, and as she changes and evolves, so will her feelings. I think she loves you now. But it seems pretty obvious that she (like most 17 year old girls) doesn't really know who she is. And when she starts figuring it out who she is, only then can she really figure out what she really wants. Obviously you love her, but she is on the verge of entering a new and exciting phase of her life where she will meet lots of new people, a lot of them guys. If you get back with her now, sure it might be happy and honeymoon period-ish for a few months but you will essentially be taking your current pain and mailing it to a version of yourself 6 months - a year from now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Romaks Posted December 9, 2013 Author Share Posted December 9, 2013 Yes, this is certainly a fear I have. I try to look at this from another perspective though. This is a girl that I really love, and she's made me feel unlike any other. Yes, I could DEFINITELY protect myself and never get back with her and thus, NEVER be hurt by her again FOR SURE, but that's not really the life I want to live, and I can't subscribe to that mentality. If we work out, great, and if not, then it wasn't meant to be and I'll never have any regrets because I'll be able to say that I tried my hardest for the girl I loved. Now, I'm just talking with her, and I'm not making a decisions yet. I'm letting her intentions become clearer to me because I will not go into things unless it's obviously something I REALLY want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Kizmet Fisher Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 Yes, this is certainly a fear I have. I try to look at this from another perspective though. This is a girl that I really love, and she's made me feel unlike any other. Yes, I could DEFINITELY protect myself and never get back with her and thus, NEVER be hurt by her again FOR SURE, but that's not really the life I want to live, and I can't subscribe to that mentality. If we work out, great, and if not, then it wasn't meant to be and I'll never have any regrets because I'll be able to say that I tried my hardest for the girl I loved. Now, I'm just talking with her, and I'm not making a decisions yet. I'm letting her intentions become clearer to me because I will not go into things unless it's obviously something I REALLY want to do. So basically, you're saying that even though you have a very well founded fear, you're just going to change perspective to something you like more? And I'm sorry, but the whole 'she's made me feel like no other' thing is crap. You're young, and even though you think its noble to make yourself a martyr to your love for her, it's a bad idea. You are in love with someone who is about to change completely, and will be meeting a tonne of new guys. And will be spending a lot of time away from you. Even though you are obviously naive and inexperienced, you don't seem stupid. I'm sure you know what these factors equal when you put them all together. Don't do this to yourself, it will only waste time and energy that you could spend on someone you'll love more, or on working on yourself, or on being young and single. Link to post Share on other sites
777doom Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 (edited) I've noticed this forum in general is very cynical, and for good reason as I understand. Ah you noticed!? My personal view is that no two peoples experience will ever be exactly the same, and no one has the right to tell you what is right and what is wrong. People will guide you based on their journey, but this guidance is tailored to their own journey so it might not fit yours. Currently I am in the process of probably getting back with my LDR ex (I am also dumpee) and I am full aware of the risks. Life is for these experiences, so make your own decision and prepare yourself for best and worst. I believe in certain Buddhist teachings (I didn't even realise what I was listening to was based on Buddhism until looking into it), but if you are an open person then watch these, seriously. Give 10 minutes of your life to these 2 videos: Edited December 9, 2013 by 777doom 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Romaks Posted December 9, 2013 Author Share Posted December 9, 2013 I'm actually reading Alan Watts right now lol Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 Sometimes youth is wasted on the young. That's what this appears to be. No matter what red flags are pointed out he's going to dismiss them, which is normal for a person his age. I just wish the best of luck and I'm sure we'll be here to pick up the pieces. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Romaks Posted December 9, 2013 Author Share Posted December 9, 2013 Absolute cynicism like this serves no one any help. Like I've said dozens of times, I'm NOT taking her back unless I REALLY WANT TO. I've told her as much as to **** off already. You guys are all absolutely right, life sucks and I should trust no one, and I might as well kill myself. Seriously, you guys don't even listen to what I'm saying at all. Christ, what is so wrong with talking on the phone with her? You're all preparing for my funeral it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
Kizmet Fisher Posted December 10, 2013 Share Posted December 10, 2013 Absolute cynicism like this serves no one any help. Like I've said dozens of times, I'm NOT taking her back unless I REALLY WANT TO. I've told her as much as to **** off already. You guys are all absolutely right, life sucks and I should trust no one, and I might as well kill myself. Seriously, you guys don't even listen to what I'm saying at all. Christ, what is so wrong with talking on the phone with her? You're all preparing for my funeral it seems. Nor does absolute blindness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 10, 2013 Share Posted December 10, 2013 Absolute cynicism like this serves no one any help. Like I've said dozens of times, I'm NOT taking her back unless I REALLY WANT TO. I've told her as much as to **** off already. You guys are all absolutely right, life sucks and I should trust no one, and I might as well kill myself. Seriously, you guys don't even listen to what I'm saying at all. Christ, what is so wrong with talking on the phone with her? You're all preparing for my funeral it seems. Hi Mr. Strawman, how's it going? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NRG Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Absolute cynicism like this serves no one any help. Like I've said dozens of times, I'm NOT taking her back unless I REALLY WANT TO. I've told her as much as to **** off already. You guys are all absolutely right, life sucks and I should trust no one, and I might as well kill myself. Seriously, you guys don't even listen to what I'm saying at all. Christ, what is so wrong with talking on the phone with her? You're all preparing for my funeral it seems.I say go for it, make it work buster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Romaks Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 I'm here to humble myself and say that you guys were right in telling me not to pursue the relationship. I just thought I'd update people on the situation. In this case, the details don't seem to matter much, so in short, we broke up again, and this time, it was way more mature but still as emotional. Even though I'm regretting getting back with her, I did learn a valuable lesson, and I'm glad I did. We both got to the point where we knew we couldn't be together (for now) as the clock is ticking towards her moving away. No matter how much we love each other, we don't fully trust each other anymore, and we really understand that we should act like teenagers other than a married couple since things get inevitably serious between us, and there seems to be no way of toning it down to a more casual relationship without expectations and other such verbal contracts. I still love her, but I am at peace, and I'm enjoying the freedom of being single again. I have this feeling that when we're older and wiser, things will work out if it is meant to be - but not today. Thank you everyone for the honest input, and you should all know that it benefited me greatly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Thanks for the update!! I understood your post perfectly!! My ex also talked about getting back together, but how can I trust him? I know I can't. He made me go through hell. All those anxiety attacks, loss of appetite, depression, crying all the time, failing at school etc... So I decided not to try it again. Once the trust is gone, so is the relationship. I'm at peace as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Romaks Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Yeah we both agreed that it's an issue of bad timing. I do see myself falling in love with her if we reconnect years down the line, and that's really the only way for us to have a relationship - that way, we can look back and laugh about how immature and dramatic we were. Things always turn out for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
johnww92 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 You have no idea what I would give to get a txt like that from my ex. If you still love her then go for it. Congrats getting her to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 He went for it, and it didn't work out. Didn't you read his update You have no idea what I would give to get a txt like that from my ex. If you still love her then go for it. Congrats getting her to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 OP, are you guys still talking to each other, if so how often? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Romaks Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 No we are not still talking at all. There'd be no way to get over each other if that is the case. We said some very emotional goodbyes and that was that. We both wished that we would find each other again in the future when we are over ourselves and have grown up. It's sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Hang in there! Things do get better, you just gotta let time do its thing! No we are not still talking at all. There'd be no way to get over each other if that is the case. We said some very emotional goodbyes and that was that. We both wished that we would find each other again in the future when we are over ourselves and have grown up. It's sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Not making fun of you at all nor rubbing anything in your face, but I think you get now why people on LS are cynical... Although I think we are more skeptical than cynical... Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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