My EX wants me back.

[Romaks]

That's the thing guys...she's not giving up...we kind of had an argument and she was saying how shes doing all she can and she is putting everything out on the table, but she said it's useless since I refuse to believe her.

 

And yeah, it's true, I'm calling her out on everything but she just won't stop. I barely let her get a word in, but she's starting to get offended at how nasty I'm being...

[Romaks]

I ended up agreeing to talk to her once in a while (on the phone) just to see how things go. All at my pace of course.

 

I don't mean to let any of you guys down, but I'm sure you guys understand.

[Trick1004]

You're not letting anybody down. I think most of us would agree that you've got you're head wrapped around this situation.

 

Let your ex WORK for it, ultimately the decision is up to you.

 

Trick

[Romaks]

Yes, Trick, thank you. For some reason it's liberating to hear you say that...

I knew it was up to me, but realizing that it IS, in fact, up to me is very empowering.

 

What have I got to lose at this point? This is a girl I had a very deep connection with. I've been dating and moving on while we were apart, and doing so again doesn't scare me. I'd like to see where things go once again though, but I'm thankfully not so emotionally invested as I would have been before and she knows I don't need her, so she does know that we are not picking up where we left off - inconvenient as that is for her.

[organizedchaos]

I ended up agreeing to talk to her once in a while (on the phone) just to see how things go. All at my pace of course.

 

I don't mean to let any of you guys down, but I'm sure you guys understand.

 

Dude, it's not all about sticking it to our exes who dumped us. If you find that she is totally sincere, has changed, and is willing to address the issues that lead to the break up, then by all means, go for it. Don't cut her off just because you don't want to let some strangers on an internet forum down.

 

But you are doing it the right way. It's her turn to do the work and if she survives what you're making her do to prove herself to you, then it just might be worth it.

[Trick1004]

Romaks,

 

Dig deep, deep inside and ask yourself if what your ex did is OK. You could get back together, but would you be able to get over the heartbreak you went through?

 

How bout knowing she was with someone else, are you ok with that?

 

What about xxx amount of time down the road when she might leave you again?

 

Unless she can answer these questions, just keep moving on.

 

Trick

[Woggle]

Does she sense you moving on with your life and are you dating anybody else? This could explain her sudden regain in interest.

[FloridaKeys]

I think her letter was sincere and mature.

 

Don't use this as an opportunity to make her feel guilt.

 

Give her a list of your requirements and expectations, and that she needs to agree to these things in order to have a relationship.

 

If she agrees, and if you're comfortable I'd strongly advise to give her a chance. Don't drag her through the mud - she has sincerely apologized and will leave if you push her away.

 

She's 17, yet sounds so mature. Perhaps she was in such emotional pain from the breakup that she needed a rebound.

 

If she is the one for you, don't let her get away. You're not going to magically end up together down the road just by fate.

[Romaks]

Thank you guys, once again, for all of the insightful posts. I'm carefully considering each and every one of them.

 

Throughout this whole 'experience' I've told this girl at least 3 times that there's no way that we have any sort of future together, and I've called her a horrible person and monster out of anger...

 

I was even childish enough to post a FB status that said: "I can't believe I even CONSIDERED taking you back."

 

I'm not proud of it, but this hit her pretty hard. I posted it in a moment's weakness and I took it down shortly after, but of course, she saw it (shes's still blocked on FB, so she saw it with her sister's account) and so did her friends.

 

Despite the way I'm behaving, as I'm taking this hard as any of you dumpees can imagine, she continues to pursue things with me.

 

She's NOT giving me any idealistic guarantees like "It'll all be better, I promise!"

 

Instead, and this is what is particularly intriguing to me, she's saying things like:

"I didn't think it was going to be easy, but I thought you'd at least listen to my side of the story."

 

"I know this will be hard, but if we want this to work, we have to be completely in love each other once again if we want a strong relationship."

 

"There are no guarantees for the future, but I am willing to give it a shot, but you have to give me a chance."

 

"I love you and all, but you're playing with my emotions as well"

 

We ended up agreeing that the biggest problem we had, was the constant petty arguments we'd run into solely because we were texting instead of talking on the phone, so we'd always misinterpret each other. Other than that, we had a very lovely relationship when we were together...so verbal communication is what needs to get worked on.

 

I figured that is the best place to start as any... We will 'talk,' but mostly on the phone, so we can begin feeling comfortable with each other. I figure, if there's anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, I can always end things, but this is the only way to see if she has changed like I hope she has.

[organizedchaos]

Thank you guys, once again, for all of the insightful posts. I'm carefully considering each and every one of them.

 

Throughout this whole 'experience' I've told this girl at least 3 times that there's no way that we have any sort of future together, and I've called her a horrible person and monster out of anger...

 

I was even childish enough to post a FB status that said: "I can't believe I even CONSIDERED taking you back."

 

I'm not proud of it, but this hit her pretty hard. I posted it in a moment's weakness and I took it down shortly after, but of course, she saw it (shes's still blocked on FB, so she saw it with her sister's account) and so did her friends.

 

Despite the way I'm behaving, as I'm taking this hard as any of you dumpees can imagine, she continues to pursue things with me.

 

She's NOT giving me any idealistic guarantees like "It'll all be better, I promise!"

 

Instead, and this is what is particularly intriguing to me, she's saying things like:

"I didn't think it was going to be easy, but I thought you'd at least listen to my side of the story."

 

"I know this will be hard, but if we want this to work, we have to be completely in love each other once again if we want a strong relationship."

 

"There are no guarantees for the future, but I am willing to give it a shot, but you have to give me a chance."

 

"I love you and all, but you're playing with my emotions as well"

 

We ended up agreeing that the biggest problem we had, was the constant petty arguments we'd run into solely because we were texting instead of talking on the phone, so we'd always misinterpret each other. Other than that, we had a very lovely relationship when we were together...so verbal communication is what needs to get worked on.

 

I figured that is the best place to start as any... We will 'talk,' but mostly on the phone, so we can begin feeling comfortable with each other. I figure, if there's anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, I can always end things, but this is the only way to see if she has changed like I hope she has.

 

Yes! Now is not the time for texting. No conversations over text. All conversations about getting back together should be on the phone or ideally in person so you are able to hear and see her sincerity and how she reacts emotionally. None of that is evident over text. Demand this.

 

EDIT: I should also add texting allows someone time to think, react and formulate a calculated response in their own timeframe. Talking on the phone or in person puts them on the spot to answer you, talk to you, with no time on their own to think over and carefully craft a response. Any hesitation is clear. You look them in the eyes when talking and if they look away, look down, whatever. You know what's really going on. None of that is evident over a text where she can take hours to think over how to respond.

Edited December 6, 2013 by organizedchaos

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Don't let the dumpers high get to your head. You don't need to talk to your ex if you don't want her. She shouldn't have to work for you, don't make her grovel, you know how she feels.

 

The main advice for dumpees on here is once the dumpers made up their mind go NC.

 

I wish my ex talked to me about our issues instead of dumping me, I didn't get that privilege but you don't want to get back with her so why bother?

 

If you want to see how much see loves you put some months of space between you both and see how she feels then, see how long that love lasts. You both need time NC to grow.

[Simon Phoenix]

Instead, and this is what is particularly intriguing to me, she's saying things like:

"I didn't think it was going to be easy, but I thought you'd at least listen to my side of the story."

 

"There are no guarantees for the future, but I am willing to give it a shot, but you have to give me a chance."

 

"I love you and all, but you're playing with my emotions as well"

 

Honestly, I don't like any of these quotes at all. She shouldn't be shifting blame on you at all right now. She's being very crafty with her words to try to put fault on you it seems. She's the one who broke it, she's the one who has to fix it and you have every right to be difficult about this if you want to. It's not your job to be receptive to her -- it's her job to overwhelm you with sincerity if she is indeed sincere.

 

Not a fan of the methods she used there at all.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Honestly, I don't like any of these quotes at all. She shouldn't be shifting blame on you at all right now. She's being very crafty with her words to try to put fault on you it seems. She's the one who broke it, she's the one who has to fix it and you have every right to be difficult about this if you want to. It's not your job to be receptive to her -- it's her job to overwhelm you with sincerity if she is indeed sincere.

 

Not a fan of the methods she used there at all.

 

Romaks, I second Simon's thoughts on her quotes. They don't overwhelm me at all to be honest. Of course there are no guarantees for the future, but why does she actually need to say this? She's giving herself an OUT already, even before you might take her back. And saying you both need to be completely in love in order for it to work. Well duh, but she previously left when the going was good right? So she killed that relationship herself, yet is now saying it will only work if you become a dumb naive love struck puppy, who will believe any word she says. Umm ok.

 

Be careful dude. Woman can be very crafty, and if you do ever meet her in person or speak over the phone, be cautious when she starts crying. It's one of the major manipulations woman can use over men. And if she's pretty, she'll use that too, trying to flirt with you and separate your mind from your inner thoughts.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 7, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[JourneyLady]

Or you could simply wait it out and let her build up resentment so that she starts to feel you don't really care about her...

 

Goodness knows, one of the very reasons I left my ex-bf (beside the main one) is that over the years he kept giving me the silent treatment and made me beg him for either closure or to try again. It was humiliating and I am ashamed I put up with it, quite frankly. I resent him for doing that so much; it still hurts two years later.

 

On second thought - perhaps you should sign up for some kind of program to straighten out the mess, like compassionpower or marriage builders. There's a lot about being human that neither men or women really understand unless it's presented to them in a very clear way. Those programs help people to understand each other. (I read the books - ex-bf did not.)

[Simon Phoenix]

Or you could simply wait it out and let her build up resentment so that she starts to feel you don't really care about her...

 

 

So you are blaming him for being skeptical of his ex's motives, an ex that broke up with him? It's not up for him to prove he cares about her, it's up to her to prove that she's sincere and that she means what she says and that she's not going to flake again. I can't disagree with this part of your post more.

[Romaks]

Thank you guys. I'll be honest with you all. In a way, I'm being manipulative with you since I'm providing you with JUST the things I need advice on since giving you the whole story - from the beginning, and telling you everything exactly as it happened would be absolutely impossible. I've been giving you guys the parts that I'm struggling with, but in reality, too much is going on for me to be able to bring it all up, but I appreciate the tidbits of knowledge and experience that I'm getting from you all.

 

I'm a worst-case scenario type of guy, so believe me, I've already pictured her in all different positions with this guy and it does absolutely nothing to me because at the end of the day, I believe she is sorry.

 

I've noticed this forum in general is very cynical, and for good reason as I understand. I'm not really sure where I'm at with this girl though. I genuinely could go either way with her and that's a decision I'm going to be making eventually, but I'm in no rush to do it because my heart and my pride both have something to say on the matter.

 

This girl means a lot to me, and on the phone, we were able to talk quite freely as we discussed how our lives are for the first few minutes. The conversation turned a little serious as I asked her once again if she was REALLY willing to do this. She said she was sure of this, and she went on about how she told her parents about it, and was glad to have their full support as well.

 

I acknowledged all this, but we talked some more, and then I told her that I enjoyed our conversation (I really did since it felt so natural and unforced) and that we will talk some other time.

 

I'm truly going about this as tactfully as I can, and I was pleased with how she was able to handle sensitive topics without choking up like she used to.

[Romaks]

One thing that concerns me, is the 'just go NC no matter what advice.' I am a firm believer of this mantra when it comes to self-reflection and all that.

 

One thing I'll say, is that after the break up, I did not beg for one second. I gracefully bowed out of her life, and asked her to not bother talking to me politely. She respected me enough to go along with that even though we only stopped talking to each other when we were asleep while we were together. It was hard to not have someone, but truly, I learned how to be happy without relying on her, and having her to talk to. Just like me, I know she struggled to fill the gap as we both thought the break up was best (I realized later that it was because I always pictured us being married years from now after an inevitable re-connection.)

 

Either way, from the way she speaks, I knew she wasn't able to let me go as easily as she had hoped because the love was still there and it never went away. She realizes that she cannot hope to prepare for the future, and it's just best to just be happy in the present with the one you love because "it's the best feeling in the world to be in love."

 

I know I have to make changes too. It scared me that she was going off to college, so I constantly pressured her to go to a school close to town, so a big part of the break up was the fact that she couldn't decide on a school without weighing me into the options which built some resentment towards me as I can imagine.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Romaks, you're making far too many apologies for this girl. It's your life to live, be it successfully or not. Thus people on here only speak from experience, and I suspect more life experience than you have thus far gone through. It might be cynical, but there's a very good reason for that. This forum isn't populated by dumpers, it's made up of dumpees sharing their stories, their heartbreaks and looking for advice.

 

At the end of the day, it's you who makes the decisions in your life. But I can't help suspect that from the very beginning you knew exactly what you were going to do. Thus feeding only bits and pieces of your situation, admitting it was somewhat manipulative, leads me to say I wish you the best, but see there is no point offering any advice or support from this point on. The biggest problem with youth is that they truly don't know enough of life's lessons, but act and relate to those that do, that they know everything. You know that old saying about a glass that is full. So good luck, because I think you'll need some in your path ahead.

[Kizmet Fisher]

One thing that concerns me, is the 'just go NC no matter what advice.' I am a firm believer of this mantra when it comes to self-reflection and all that.

 

One thing I'll say, is that after the break up, I did not beg for one second. I gracefully bowed out of her life, and asked her to not bother talking to me politely. She respected me enough to go along with that even though we only stopped talking to each other when we were asleep while we were together. It was hard to not have someone, but truly, I learned how to be happy without relying on her, and having her to talk to. Just like me, I know she struggled to fill the gap as we both thought the break up was best (I realized later that it was because I always pictured us being married years from now after an inevitable re-connection.)

 

Either way, from the way she speaks, I knew she wasn't able to let me go as easily as she had hoped because the love was still there and it never went away. She realizes that she cannot hope to prepare for the future, and it's just best to just be happy in the present with the one you love because "it's the best feeling in the world to be in love."

 

I know I have to make changes too. It scared me that she was going off to college, so I constantly pressured her to go to a school close to town, so a big part of the break up was the fact that she couldn't decide on a school without weighing me into the options which built some resentment towards me as I can imagine.

 

From what you've disclosed however, it would seem she had little trouble getting her gap filled.

[Romaks]

From what you've disclosed however, it would seem she had little trouble getting her gap filled.

 

Yeah, but the point is, It couldn't be filled.

[Romaks]

I'm not really sure what to say to you guys other than repeating what I've said before. I wasn't going to take her back...like I made clear to her when I yelled at her when we ended up on the phone the first and second times.

 

Things I said to her:

"You're a monster!"

"You're a horrible person and I can never trust you again."

"You should have never reached out to me."

"You make me sick to my stomach."

 

I really thought it was over, especially after I posted the status about even considering taking her back.

I thought she'd give up and just makes things easier for me, but she will not take no for an answer.

 

This is what is throwing me off. I mean, is there really no possibility of her making a mistake and being sorry for it? Like, none at all?

 

This IS a girl that I could see spending my life with, but only if she's serious about it too.

[RRM]

This is what is throwing me off. I mean, is there really no possibility of her making a mistake and being sorry for it? Like, none at all?

 

This IS a girl that I could see spending my life with, but only if she's serious about it too.

 

There is definitely a possibility that she's made a mistake and feels sorry for it. I think the bigger question is whether or not she's changed and whether or not she knows what she wants.

 

This is where the age factor comes in. The college years are trying and usually at the start of them you think you want one thing and you end up with a much clearer idea of what you want or at the very least a better idea of what does and doesn't appeal to you.

 

I'm 28 and I definitely don't have the same life goals I did when I was 17 and I'm a very different person than I was then. My point in all this is simply that even if she thinks she has it all figured out, it's best to take it one step at a time because you never know how you and her will change in the next few years.

 

Good luck!

[Philosoraptor]

Eh, as I said a few pages back your mind is already made up. Though she's said nothing to convince you she's changed and she's still trying to covertly pin the issues and blame back onto you... she's very crafty. All along you've been trying to convince your own mind to give her another chance even though your brain is telling you it's a bad idea. Between making excuses and assumptions for why she would have done things to smudging the story a bit, you're doing what is necessary to convince yourself to take her back.

 

And though many here are cynical, I myself try to give advice based on logic and impartialism. I've given many people advice to give their ex a chance and told many to not look back, based on what they've shared here. But in your case we're dealing with someone who is still trying to shift the blame and manipulate you into making a decision. Which is why my thought is that this is still a bad idea and likely to end in more pain. But I do wish you the best in whichever decision you decide to make. Though everyone in the world can tell you the same thing it, only you can make and decide which are the best decisions for your own life.

[justletgo07]

I am going to disagree with others and say I don't think she's being manipulative. She went out on a limb and made herself very vulnerable, and from the way you've described some of your responses, it doesn't sound like it has gone very well for her. She's reacting the way she is, I think, because she's in a vulnerable spot, and while she's choosing to be there the reality is that its just not an easy place to be.

 

OP, I want to be honest with you. I think you have some good insights into yourself and your relationship, and have shown a knack for clear thinking and self-reflection. However, all I am hearing from you and other posters is about her proving that she has changed since the break-up. What about you changing? It takes 2 people for a relationship to fail, and I would argue that your emotional outbursts toward her (calling her horrible, posting things on FB) demonstrate some flaws and weaknesses that you will be potentially carrying into a new relationship. I get that you were upset, and I don't say I entirely blame you, but you have to be able to control those things better. Nobody's perfect, of course, but I'd focus a little less on how many hoops you want her to jump through. At some point it becomes unfair. Either you can take her back or you can't handle it, and that is for you to decide (ideally with some reasonable degree of haste).

[Romaks]

You're totally right I think. Your post reflects a lot of what my friends and trusted mentors have said to me in person, and they all say that forgiveness goes a long way.

 

I've apologized to her about the things I said, because no matter what happened, I do not want to be a nasty person who can justify saying whatever he wants because of a certain history he doesn't like.

 

Knowing her, I realize that this wasn't easy for her at all, but she's making a point of being honest and answering each question I have for her no matter how badly she knows I'll take it - but there comes a point where it doesn't matter the details anymore...

 

That's also something I realized - I know I can make this new relationship as good or as bad as I want. Being cautious and demanding will be a defense mechanism for myself, but there's no point to it because It'll be the very thing that will disallow the relationship from growing again. Sometimes you just have to be vulnerable in order to build trust once more.

 

I spoke to a leader at my church, and it's something that took a lot of guts for me to do, but I've never felt better. I never have even considered approaching an adult (especially a church member who knows my family well) about something like this, but I think it was definitely a growing experience for me, and I'm so glad I did. This man's made a lot of mistakes in his life, and he's only recently realized that he wasted most of his life for the simple reason that he was just never able to forgive. This advice really spoke to me because I knew in my heart that it is true. I know that at the end of the day, all I can do is try and be the most loving and forgiving person I can, and if people screw me, then it's on their conscience and I can't say I didn't try.