I am CD's BS, and this is my story.

[Betterthanthis13]

I have seen many a BH catch an EA before it went PA. They were not asleep at the switch.

 

Even without the WW saying to those other BH's that I want to bang your friend.

 

He was letting his WW spend way to much time with another man. The best part he let his WW hang out with the man that she said that she wanted to bang.

 

Then come here an act surprised that his WW wound up banging that guy.

 

ROTFALMAO to that.

 

Number #1 reason why spouses do not have opposite sex friends. This is where most affairs start. It is no longer innocent flirting when the clothes come off.

 

I just don't believe I want to be in a relationship in the first place with a person I have to "catch" at anything. I believe in trust, honesty, boundaries, honesty, courage... Not hyper vigilant monitoring or restrictions on my partners activities. It's their job to have integrity, not my job to impose it on them. I suppose that method can work for some people but I'm just not interested in having to be a hall monitor or prison warden.

[tinktronik]

I have seen many a BH catch an EA before it went PA. They were not asleep at the switch.

 

Even without the WW saying to those other BH's that I want to bang your friend.

 

He was letting his WW spend way to much time with another man. The best part he let his WW hang out with the man that she said that she wanted to bang.

 

Then come here an act surprised that his WW wound up banging that guy.

 

ROTFALMAO to that.

 

Number #1 reason why spouses do not have opposite sex friends. This is where most affairs start. It is no longer innocent flirting when the clothes come off.

I will atually admit that I was quite surprised in the original post to see that even after CD made it abundantly clear that she wanted to **** Douche those alarm bells did not ring loudly enough?

 

CM was this a result of you placing too much trust? A result of you just testing your marriage? Are you SO trustworthy yourself that you just naturally expected the same in return?

 

This was NOT AT ALL YOUR FAULT but I am curious about why you weren't more proactive at that point.

[road]

I'm glad I could provide such strong entertainment for you Road. Actually, that's why we ordered an affair. So we could entertain you, at this very moment. You're definitely a people person.

 

 

Your story does not amuse me.

 

Your story is not unique or special because all affairs follow a basic script. I have read more time then I can remember where the WW having an affair tries to get the BH to do threesomes and guess what I think I can find just the right OM for us to do this.

 

Or the WW is getting her brains banged out by her OM. She wants to be faithful to the OM and will not have sex with her BH. So she tries to get the BH to have an open marriage. WW understands he's a man and has needs and he should not suffer because she just can't have sex ( with you but no problem doing her OM, an when the BH is out getting his, he just made it easier for his WW to sneak off and get hers from the OM) now.

[road]

I just don't believe I want to be in a relationship in the first place with a person I have to "catch" at anything. I believe in trust, honesty, boundaries, honesty, courage... Not hyper vigilant monitoring or restrictions on my partners activities. It's their job to have integrity, not my job to impose it on them. I suppose that method can work for some people but I'm just not interested in having to be a hall monitor or prison warden.

 

 

This is how affairs start. Trust is one thing. Ignore red flags is another.

[tinktronik]

This is how affairs start. Trust is one thing. Ignore red flags is another.

But just those things ARE normal expectations in a committed relationship. They DO work in a good number of relationships.

 

It s reasonable to expect your spouse to monitor themselves. There are things CM did miss that were red flags. There are a number of reasons he could have done so.

[shakenandstirred]

I just want to say I admire your approach to this. Lesson learned no doubt. It takes a man with a forgiving heart to even entertain the the thought of repairing this. You were totally manipulated and disrespected.

 

It's funny when the light comes on to the betrayal, that the once conniving, deceptive, and manipulative spouse becomes the model companion and does everything not to lose marital status.

 

You are a far better man than I. But in retrospect, If I chose to reconcile, I would be just like you; one foot out the door. I do wish you both success

[road]

But just those things ARE normal expectations in a committed relationship. They DO work in a good number of relationships.

 

It s reasonable to expect your spouse to monitor themselves. There are things CM did miss that were red flags. There are a number of reasons he could have done so.

 

 

Reasonable to trust, normal and wise to verify.

 

Why close the barn door after the cow escaped?

 

Why close the gate on the corral after the horse is gone?

 

Why close the door after the chicken has flown the coop?

[Compulsive Musician]

Tinktronik

 

I had too much faith in the parties involved. I'd been put in some compromising situations before, and I handled it just fine. I foolishly assumed that both of them were capable of the same. I wasn't testing anything. I didn't think it was that type of thing.

 

I grew up with a very honest and straightforward family. Trust bonds run strong and have been a cornerstone to good living for us.

 

I naturally extend this to the handful of close friends that, in a way become family. I do not believe this is rare.

 

The strength of my trust and faith in people was my error. I agree. Lesson learned. However, I cannot get behind the belief that a relationship has to heavily monitored.

 

 

If we want to be together, we will. Let's not waste time. Otherwise, I have no interest in being her Homeland Security.

 

People f**k up. It's unavoidable. The importance lies in learned the nature of the f**kup, and developing tools to avoid it again.

 

I got a much deeper glimpse into the psyche of human sexuality. I didn't want to, but it happened. I know where my personal failings were, and I'm at peace with how they came to be.

 

And that's one of the biggest shifts from the darkness of depression, to where I'm at now: I'm committed to forging a better future for myself, with better intel regarding other people.

[Compulsive Musician]

One of our issues was that I was always busy. I would make time, but not enough. It allowed room for this to flourish.

 

Tonight is date night, btw. We've never had a regular date night, and I've been loving it. Outside of the pain of the A, our marriage is SO much better now that we've identified some of our issues.

 

In some ways, I'm falling in love with my wife all over again. In some ways, for the first time.

 

It's all mixed together. Focusing entirely on single aspects throws off the balance of perception. I'm still hurt, disappointed, and frustrated/angry that it happened. I still snap at her from time to time.

 

When I spend a lot of time focusing on the affair, I forget about life as it is now. I get trapped in the negativity of what happened. It can become cyclic thinking.

 

Reminding myself it could've always been worse (and some of the posters on here have some sad stories, and my heart goes out to their struggles)

 

As dark as it all gets, there's no unintentional baby, no STDs, no one died. These personal trials have been opportunities to test the type of person I want to be.

 

CD got a much needed wake-up call, and is completely open and receptive to trying to better herself. And I don't doubt -at all- that she loves me like never before.

 

Yes, it sucks, yes, there's stuff to deal with, but all in all, I've chosen my way forward. I don't claim it's the best way, or the right one. But I do know outside of time spent dwelling on thoughts roughly equivalent to "This sucks, I wish it didn't happen"... life's really not all that bad.

 

I'm out for the evening (though I certainly hope the conversation continues. I appreciate each of your posts), I'll check back in tomorrow. I've got a date to catch.

[harrybrown]

Is your wife finally over wanting to contact the OM and missing him? She had this in one of her threads. I hope for you that she has come out of the fog.

 

Enjoy your date, hope all goes well for you.

[ChooseTruth]

This is how affairs start. Trust is one thing. Ignore red flags is another.

Road you are right, but I also agree with BTT. You can't be your spouse's parent. That's one of the big reasons I had to leave my marriage. Even my ex said it, "YOU'RE ACTING LIKE MY FATHER". Well wow, I am and it's justified so I guess I should move on. Trust is gone and it's not coming back. He's probably never been through this before either, and probably most of us BSs can agree with how blind we were. I certainly was very blind but I don't blame myself. I wouldn't do things the same way a second time, but I don't think there's a need to bash myself or him for what's past.

 

I would say that CM is regaining trust. I will say that I often get pretty upset reading WS or OW/OM posts here...I'm paying the price for that right now lol... but CD has never stirred such feelings within me, except for when I read CM's account. If I had only read CM's post I might have been skeptical, but I see that he wants to R, and I see her posts and his 2nd chance for her does make sense to me. He's got his reasoning and he will always know better than any of us what his situation is. When I first came here I had the same trouble trying to R. Drove me crazy. They'd make up things that she was supposedly doing that I knew made absolutely no sense....

 

I will say I think trust but verify does make sense for a while after an affair, so you can be sure what you are hearing matches actions. When you are satisfied things can relax somewhat.

 

Oh and CM, good to have you. I'm also a musician as well, I used to write for TV once upon a time.

[William]

Moderation stopping by, noting we apparently have two spouses as members here and posting their perspectives on their marriage, to remind *all* members that our civility and respect guidelines continue to apply, including 'bashing of other members'. Feel free to discuss the topics openly and honestly. If at any point one spouse or another feels they cannot follow our guidelines, then take the discussion off the forums. Your issues are valid. Equally valid are our guidelines and it's our sandbox, so our rules.

 

Please continue the discussion. Thanks for reading.

[tinktronik]

CD, have you considered divorce? What is your plan? What do YOU want to do?

In addition to that.... CM are you undergoing any individual therapy to sort any of this out?

[Bittersweetie]

CM, did CD know that you were going to post your side of the story here? Did you discuss it beforehand? Why did you choose to do so?

 

The reason I ask is that there have been couples before who have both posted here and it has turned ugly. I just want to make sure that you both are getting what you want/need from this site. And that maybe the discussions here are having a positive affect on your discussions in real life.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[drifter777]

CM - Thanks for posting your story. The behavior of your wife disgusts me and I'm beyond surprised that any man would stay with a woman who did this to him. It's impossible to know what you are feeling, but it's so soon after a d-day so horrible I hope you are as ok as you make yourself out to be. How are you dealing with the mind-movies of her in the sack with him? That part of recovery can be the hardest yet you haven't mentioned it so I'm curious.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

It's always interesting when both the betrayed spouse and cheating spouse tell their stories. I don't recall seeing your wife's story, but from time to time I've seen her posts. I don't recall her ever posting anything like you've posted. Definitely it doesn't come across in her posts how horrible she was to you, how big of a liar, how big of a manipulator, and how big of a deceiver.

 

Do you feel you see eye-to-eye with your wife over the, for lack of a better word, "horrible-ness" of her betrayal?

 

From your post, it seems you still are possessed with quite of bit of anger, even rage, and resentment and, whether you realize it or not, have painted quite an ugly picture of how she behaved. To the extent that, I can see I'm not alone in feeling, how the heck can you ever get over something like that with your best friend?

 

Has your wife agreed to your version of events, and apologized sincerely?

 

Did she ever tell you that she is, in fact, sorry for having sex with douche other man?

 

"I am NOT sorry I had sex with him" - ouch.

[LilGirlandOW]

CM, thanks for sharing your story. I've read and followed a few of CD's posts and she genuinely seems remorseful and seems to want to right your M.

 

I hope time and love will heal everything and you both can move forward stronger and happier, like kinda a fresh start to the M.

 

((Hugs CM))

[atreides]

 

Tonight is date night, btw. We've never had a regular date night, and I've been loving it. Outside of the pain of the A, our marriage is SO much better now that we've identified some of our issues.

 

In some ways, I'm falling in love with my wife all over again. In some ways, for the first time.

 

Awesome! Put a smile on my face, because that means you are happy and that is what counts most at this moment.

[Steadfast]

I don't read LS as much as I used to. Life is leading me away. But I don't ever recall seeing anything like this. Separate threads, read by each. Cross posting. Complete and open honesty. Even chatting happily with mods?

 

IMO, CD is a dingbat; friendly, somewhat distant and seemingly made of teflon. Nothing seems to stick to her for long. Hubby CM has written some very profound things but he's afraid to lose her. Otherwise, he'd be gone.

 

Chalk it up as another recon couple? Seems so. As a couple they prove different strokes for different folks is still true. For BSs like me, it all seems a bit odd, but I maintain that on overwhelming average when a woman cheats, she's done. They are always exceptions. This is one.

 

Then again, I wouldn't be shocked if the whole thing blew up tomorrow.

 

Best wishes CM and CD. From this point on, I believe I'll stick to the more traditional posts; those that don't read like some sort of cyber camping trip. I never did like or watch reality television. I'm out of touch.

[ChooseTruth]

It's always interesting when both the betrayed spouse and cheating spouse tell their stories. I don't recall seeing your wife's story, but from time to time I've seen her posts. I don't recall her ever posting anything like you've posted. Definitely it doesn't come across in her posts how horrible she was to you, how big of a liar, how big of a manipulator, and how big of a deceiver.

...

 

Here's CD's version:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404953-bs-wants-declare-war-ap#post5008259

Or at least the first version she told. She's posted a lot so more definitely comes out if you browse her history.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Here's CD's version:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404953-bs-wants-declare-war-ap#post5008259

Or at least the first version she told. She's posted a lot so more definitely comes out if you browse her history.

 

Thanks.

 

It does seem like a lot is "glossed over" in her version, especially the extent of all the lying and manipulation, the after d-day stuff, which to me is the toughest part to get over.

[Compulsive Musician]

ChooseTruth

-----------------------

Music=fun. It was really weird at the darkest points of depression. I didn't want to play. Anything. At all. And it didn't phase me. This is WAY outside my norm.

 

vellocet and Tinktronik

-------------------------

Of course I've considered divorce. I still consider it daily. So far? Nope.

 

I've not gone to therapy. For multiple reasons.

 

I think IC can be great. For some people. I personally don't have the patience for it. I believe I'm doing alright at my own pace. Now that's not to say I'm bottling it all up, or ignoring it or anything. I've spent years exploring the mind (mine and others) with tons of established metrics to do so. I've been therapist for everyone in my life since I was a teenager and could being to put things in better contexts for people. So far, so good.

 

It does suck that no one I know can actually relate. The silver lining of that, though, is that they -always- provide a 'non-affair life' context. It very often brightens my mood and outlook.

 

Bittersweetie

----------------

I told CD that I would come to LS eventually. I told her I wouldn't even visit the site for a while, because for her, it was a strong form of therapy. As such, she needs to be able to speak her mind (including some things I wouldn't want to hear at the time). It's important. She's still a person with her own problems to deal with, and no amount of frustration or anger on my part changes that.

 

It's been nice actually. I read all of her posts, and then put up the details she kindly left out (lol). It was a bit stressful to relive some memories. However it was wonderful to read every post... and discover absolutely -nothing- new. CD, honestly, has been a model R spouse. (a nice 180 from the selfish bitch she was with the A)

 

But no, she didn't know I was going to. It is it's own test, in a way.

 

I have zero doubt that couple posting on LS can handle their sh*t. I very much imagine we're an exception, not the rule. Time will tell, but I'm genuinely not concerned.

 

Drifter777

----------------------

 

The mind movies DO suck. However, long before any of this ever happened (long before I even knew the woman that would be my wife), I developed some mental techniques to work on focus... trying to control my mind.

 

I used it primarily when I couldn't slow my mind down to sleep (usually before birthdays, big trips, holidays, etc.)

 

When that stuff enters my head, I try to flood my processes and redirect them. I think and say every single random word I can, as fast as I can. It's hard to think of that many words quickly. It takes a lot of processing power to do it. For me, it takes enough over a couple minutes that it resets my control.

 

Ex:

 

I'm laying in bed and I can't break free from a mind movie.

 

"yellow water floor itch mouth foot tv ceiling floor brick"

 

Oh, an important note. I try to mostly pull words from the environment around me. Any words that could remotely be used to describe ANYTHING around you. I try to pull from that rather than my own head (because the mind is already in a negative space. saying things like 'pain, sad, hurt, etc.' doesn't really work). But between trying to visually identifying, processing the word for it, speaking it, and then trying to do it immediately afterwards (for me) requires enough brain power for a successful reset.

 

Good diet, sleep and exercise has also noticeably kept my mind from wandering down the darkest of paths as often.

 

It -does- suck, and it doesn't always work. But I've gotten MUCH better at recognizing my loops, and which triggers are innate, and which ones I enable.

 

Mikey_Fitzpatrick

----------------------

Yea, CD was a really bad person during the affair. Rather, it's more accurate to say, she had the interal infrastructure to be a horrible, selfish bitch, but it never came through until the rush of the affair. I think Dday is a fitting culmination of said events.

 

Again, I cannot stress enough (and unfortunately many people on here may never experience an equivalent) that I am -very- proud of my wife's efforts to R. Virtually every aspect of what you could hope a human being would consider, experiment with, and work on, she's been doing. She's got years of work ahead of her. We both know she's got a long road ahead. But as long as she stays on the path she's been laying, I'm very excited to see the person she's blossoming into.

 

She apologizes. Almost daily, since Dday. (maybe, literally every day in retrospect)

 

My wife denies nothing. Embellishment and fantasy take you away from the truth. Only the truth provides the context and the tools to really assess and move forward. We both recognize this fully. She agrees with almost everything (the one exception is she feels I brought up the open relationship discussion again last fall. I believe she did. But it's a minor detail that changes very little, as far as we're concerned)

 

As far as totally relating... that's tougher. Not because she doesn't understand or empathize, but because we are not the same person. We have directly experienced different aspects of all this. In the same way I can only get so close to understanding how she got to Dday, she can only really understand the depths of what I feel on the betrayed end. The venn diagrams of experience can only overlap so much.

 

Yea, I'm not delighted it happened. lol. But I cannot complain -at all- about how R has been progressing. What more can I realistically ask for, ya know?

 

Steadfast

-----------------

Everyone IS different. And it could blow up tomorrow. haha. That's how it goes. Everyone is unique, and CD and I have plenty of unique to go around, I think (far outside the context of relationships). All we can try and do it stay committed to being the people we want to be each day, every opportunity (or test if you want to look at it that way).

 

It's hilarious to hear you describe CD that way. Everyone does. lol

 

And I don't want to lose her. At the same time, I refuse to compromise my life to ANYONE who would derail it. As long as she stays honest and intent on working on herself and our marriage, I'm game. She leaves that path and I'm out, we will never speak to one another again. She knows this.

 

CD came here for group therapy. She had no idea the depths of dysfunction her mind possessed. As her posts go one, I read in her tone and her approach, her journey of self-awareness and growing understanding of what she did to me.

 

She glossed over many thing. In part, I imagine, because no one -really- likes to **** talk themselves, and also in large part because the macro sweeping motions she thinks about during the affair are different than the ones I think of outside the affair.

 

That's not to say she doesn't own up to everything she did. Only ignorance could produce such a verdict. So far. She has a lifetime of proof (through effort) to provide.

 

Again, I also think it's important to stress that I don't believe anything she's done is 'right' or 'wrong' in a universal sense. Certainly I think it sucks and I would say it's 'wrong' because I hate what happened.

However, anyone can live their life the way they want to. She chose to pursue personal liberties of exploration at a steep price. Living as she did, her choices wrecked lots of social and emotional damage. The trade wasn't worth it. However, it is her life, she's free to do that.

 

The importance lies in understanding and establishing what she actually wants her life to be. She has rediscovered (and in many way for the first time defined) many of these things. Helping her understand she can be the person she wants to be, that she has to tools to be at the helm (rather than along for the ride), and that those things are only as good as the goals you have set forth... these are important themes (among many) for her to get control of her life, to avoid making destructive choices, and to give her the strength to follow through on them when they aren't as pressing.

[JourneyLady]

Oh jeez. Is there a cheater on this friggen PLANET that doesn't lie about their affair partner????

 

Raises hand!

(affair was online only - no physical contact)

Ex-hubs had revenge affair and divorced me anyway.

[JourneyLady]

I think this thread is wonderful...

 

My ex-hubs revenge affair was a wake-up call that came to late for me, as he left me to be with her. People grow up at different rates and some of us get caught up in selfishness at an early age and nothing and nobody can get us out of it until suddenly we suffer from our mistakes and the light dawns...

 

Such is life.

 

But, if a spouse sticks by us after the light has dawned and is willing to try and work things out and let us make amends - nothing and nobody is going to tear us away again. I hope the light has dawned for CD: if it truly has, she will never be the same selfish person ever again. As for you, kudos for being willing to give it another chance. I wished I'd had one. I may never fully recover.

[compulsivedancer]

I don't recall seeing your wife's story, but from time to time I've seen her posts. I don't recall her ever posting anything like you've posted. Definitely it doesn't come across in her posts how horrible she was to you, how big of a liar, how big of a manipulator, and how big of a deceiver.

 

Here's my original story. Please keep in mind that I've evolved a bit since I first started posting. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404953-bs-wants-declare-war-ap