Author Compulsive Musician Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Dadslasagne (delicious, I'm sure!) lol! I have wandering eye issues like a MOTHERF**KER right now. I've never noticed so many women around me before in my life. It is ironic that I loved Compulsive endlessly before the A, while she mostly loved how I loved her (I think). I had no problem turning down women. Now she loves me with a fullness of expression that I could've only hoped for before, and I've got one foot out the door. lol. "Are there thoughts in your mind that maybe having a little affair yourself with your wife's blessing could alleviate situation a bit?" GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Of course this is a thought. One of many, and it coexists with plenty of contradictory ones. Its hard to imagine spending the rest of my life with CD, without ever seeing what sex is like. We made a lifelong commitment, and then she changed her terms. She knows if she's going to be in a relationship with me, this is a reality. It was a requirement of our new relationship, that this is a serious consideration. Whether or not I ever actually do it, hell I don't know. Right now having the option is good enough. As a side note, our sex life is amazing now. The affair forced me to realize some things about myself (like codependency), and has brought me to a healthy embracing of my masculinity and self-worth. I had some odd sexual hangups before. It also helps that Compulsive's affair partner was a really lame lover (with tiny equipment to boot), so that boosted my ego a smidge. It also made feelings of competition and sexual validation MUCH easier to deal with. The ONLY things he had going for him was that he talked dirty (something I previously couldn't bring myself to do), and he was an escape for her from dealing with her real issues in her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Compulsive Musician Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 AliveAgain I completely agree. And there is ZERO chance I would bring life into this dynamic. A HUGE amount of what pissed me off (outside of the lying), was that CD would risk creating life. Just another disgustingly irresponsible aspect of affairs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 It also helps that Compulsive's affair partner was a really lame lover (with tiny equipment to boot), so that boosted my ego a smidge. It also made feelings of competition and sexual validation MUCH easier to deal with. The ONLY things he had going for him was that he talked dirty (something I previously couldn't bring myself to do), and he was an escape for her from dealing with her real issues in her life. This could explain why CD liked anal sex with him. Sorry, I took that from another post. They always affair down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 AliveAgain I completely agree. And there is ZERO chance I would bring life into this dynamic. A HUGE amount of what pissed me off (outside of the lying), was that CD would risk creating life. Just another disgustingly irresponsible aspect of affairs. CM, that is what happened to me and my now ex. I didn't learn about my son not being mine until he was a year old. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Now she loves me with a fullness of expression that I could've only hoped for before, and I've got one foot out the door. lol. This is actually a common theme. More often than not though it is backwards. I've got one foot out the door and now she loves me with a fullness of expression that I could've only hoped for before. My worry about the posts I've read in specific is largely what the affair did was created "drama" where there was none before, it was like an attention vacuum. Therapy can help to repair some of this. I think it comes down to what do you want? Do you want to have to be one foot out the door to keep your wife entertained enough with you to stick around? That sounds like a difficult high-wire balancing act to pull off long-term. It surprises me that you are really considering straying as a response. I think that's normal after a betrayal. But it did not come across from your OPs that was really who you are or what you really wanted at all. Are you just thankful that door is open to you? Do you really think you would open that door and walk through it and still be the person you aspire to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Compulsive Musician Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 AliveAgain I'm incredibly sorry to hear you've experienced that. There's no clean cut emotional way forward for that. Poor kid becomes a symbol for something he had nothing to do with. Damn. And yes, size difference is a serious consideration for anal. Which is part of why I never ask for it. Again, it's almost more important that it's available. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 double post Link to post Share on other sites
Author Compulsive Musician Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Tinktronik I don't have the answers to that. I wish I knew. I DOES sound like a difficult high-wire balancing act. lol. Time will tell. Right now, the option is good enough. I'm not seeking anyone or laying any groundwork anywhere. I can't speak for what the years ahead will contain, and currently, there are more important matter to attend to. Like free bunnies. The most infidelity appropriate emoticon a person can conceive of, clearly. And questions like "Why does it matter if you sleep with anyone else?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Tinktronik I don't have the answers to that. I wish I knew. I DOES sound like a difficult high-wire balancing act. lol. Time will tell. Right now, the option is good enough. I'm not seeking anyone or laying any groundwork anywhere. I can't speak for what the years ahead will contain, and currently, there are more important matter to attend to. Like free bunnies. The most infidelity appropriate emoticon a person can conceive of, clearly. And questions like "Why does it matter if you sleep with anyone else?" I think your answers are as good as any others. Thank you. Honestly, I'd like to consider my own thoughts on relationships to be healthy but my own is probably much more bizarre (for completely different reasons) than most others on this board. Though infidelity is not an issue in my own relationship much stranger things are. Self discovery is always important and time and experience will change so many facets of that, but there are a few fixed facets to all of us. My relationship often involves often a complex series of questioning fundamentals that I believe to be as healthy as it is not, so difficult to balance, and somewhat irritating, but evolving personally. I hope you will evolve through this process to figure out your own fundamentals and stay true to yourself. My personal life emoticon is on Thursdays at least. Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Wow what a story Getting the full log of those emails was good and bad. Good because you got to know the truth fully right away. Bad because it removes a lot of opportunity for CD to tell you herself and prove she can tell the truth even when it's really difficult(and she doesn't think you already know) Nice move on exposing wide right away to end it suddenly and not drag things on. I think that might be a big part of why she made such an about face. I'm a BS as well, divorced because my ex used a lot of trickle truth and also couldn't commit to NC (no contact). Also, this post may come late...I'm on probation from some angry posts over in the OW\OM forum hah. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Thanks for posting your thoughts.... I'm a little late on this thread and everyone has already said a lot of insightful things (except road, totally disagree with some of what road said. No offense road, usually you have good stuff to say, but man I think you were a little off this time.) The only thing I think I can add at this point that hasn't already been said is to tell you how LS is helpful for me as a "BS". When I posted my first thread, I already knew what people were going to tell me (run away from that guy) and I already knew I was going to get rid of him. So getting actual advice about what I should or shouldn't do wasn't my top priority. I knew what was right, I was just not taking action yet. Although it was surprisingly more helpful than I thought it would be, once I got to know who was who, because I started to value the suggestions of certain posters based on the advice they gave to other people. After a little while of steady reading and posting, I began to notice dynamics/commonalities/differences among the WS's and OW/OM's on the board. The simplest way I can describe it is to say that it seems like anyone involved in an A is in a dream state, like a sleepwalker almost. (Except serial cheating sex addicts like my xbf- he is more likely in a permanent coma in this analogy) The people actively involved in A's, or the occaisional pre-A WS that comes on looking for a way to justify something he/she knows is wrong.... the sleep state has them making nonsensical decisions and talking utter nonsense. Some "wake up" from their dream state, and some definitely do not. It was helpful to me to compare/contrast what my ex was like/talked about/ how he acted compared to fWS's on here who seemed to show genuine remorse and have every intention of genuine reconciliation, and facing all the hard issues they were avoiding/escaping from during the A. Your wife is one of the awesome posters that helped me untangle the last bit of mental confusion I had about kicking out my ex. He said and did a lot of things that on the surface appeared remorseful and looked like he was really "trying".... but he was insincere. I think you have a sincere person on your hands over there. I am not in R obviously, but a lot of other people on here are and have lots of really good thoughts about the intricacies of that. I do believe in R, I do believe that a couple can recover from an affair even though my relationship was not one of them. I have a lot of hope for you guys. I think the only advice I could possibly give you would be to not try to do it alone. Get off the couch and dont immerse yoursef in solitude. I took up camp in the backyard on a lawnchair for a long time, basically immobilized. Nothing you are thinking/feeling right now can't be sorted out, but it's a lot harder to do it alone than if you express your feelings and thoughts and work through them. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 CM all the best, many will come off as what the hell dude, why are you still with her or why you didn't do x,y or z? Let me say this, the only respect and happiness that counts most is from yourself and through R, the newfound respect CD is showing you, also to re-earn your's and new happiness from essentially starting over together. I like how you are viewing life from this point, again all the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 This is not showing a lack of feelings for the BH here. All WW's do this they always hide their affairs. Many hide their affairs in the open as this one tried to do. Her affair is no worse then all the other affairs here. This BH planted the seed for an affair to happen. He reaped what he sowed. There were countless opportunities for him to of prevented this affair from starting. He failed at every chance. Road, I think this is out of line. A BS cannot prevent an affair. Maybe it's just your wording and you meant something else, but this sounds like blaming the victim to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Are there thoughts in your mind that maybe having a little affair yourself with your wife's blessing could alleviate situation a bit? Zen Student has some good posts on this topic because he has experience with this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 What kind of person tries to bully their spouse into an open marriage? I think different people have different comfort levels talking about this type of thing. For some it is just another topic to discuss. For others it is shocking and horrifying. It seems like they had discussions over many years that were just discussions. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about open marriage, or even if people attempt it, but you have a point about bullying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I happen to think it's fairly normal to have hypothetical scenarios come up in conversations between spouses. It sounds from what CM has to say that it was made abundantly clear that 3-some was off the table, No CM did not take it off the table forever. Conflict avoidance. He would use qualifiers should as not now, later, maybe in the future. When discussing threesomes he always made it sound as a fun possibility. and as his wife was already screwing around she pushed and pushed it to try to justify her past and present actions, a smoke screen for her not really feeling guilty, a justification. Yes this is what WW's do when having an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Better to divorce than to have your own affair. I speak from experience, my friend. Don't change who you are or up the ante on the crazy. Take this option off the table. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Compulsive Musician Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 East Coast Lol. I hear you. But I also know it's true. We were friends for 15 years. We discussed MANY things in that time. I also had a number of conversations with his gf (the one Douche cheated on) that unintentionally confirmed it. Besides, it's mostly a snarky giggle point. I'm nor overly concerned about it. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Are there thoughts in your mind that maybe having a little affair yourself with your wife's blessing could alleviate situation a bit? Revenge affairs, RA's never even the score and they only make more problems without solving any of the previous problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 As a side note, our sex life is amazing now. The affair forced me to realize some things about myself (like codependency), and has brought me to a healthy embracing of my masculinity and self-worth. I had some odd sexual hangups before. It also helps that Compulsive's affair partner was a really lame lover (with tiny equipment to boot), so that boosted my ego a smidge. It also made feelings of competition and sexual validation MUCH easier to deal with. The ONLY things he had going for him was that he talked dirty (something I previously couldn't bring myself to do), and he was an escape for her from dealing with her real issues in her life. First paragraph good for you to be where you are. Second paragraph how do you know this to be true? You seen the tapes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Compulsive Musician Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Road You can label it whatever you like, with perceived authority. I still refuse to be afraid of open discussion with my wife. Odd for you to advocate the opposite. Everything in life can't be tied up in a tidy bow. Black and white thinking is best left to machines. Realities of human spirit require more nuanced approaches, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) Road, I think this is out of line. A BS cannot prevent an affair. Maybe it's just your wording and you meant something else, but this sounds like blaming the victim to me. I have seen many a BH catch an EA before it went PA. They were not asleep at the switch. Even without the WW saying to those other BH's that I want to bang your friend. He was letting his WW spend way to much time with another man. The best part he let his WW hang out with the man that she said that she wanted to bang. Then come here an act surprised that his WW wound up banging that guy. ROTFALMAO to that. Number #1 reason why spouses do not have opposite sex friends. This is where most affairs start. It is no longer innocent flirting when the clothes come off. Edited October 10, 2013 by road 1 Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 It also helps that Compulsive's affair partner was a really lame lover (with tiny equipment to boot), so that boosted my ego a smidge. It also made feelings of competition and sexual validation MUCH easier to deal with. The ONLY things he had going for him was that he talked dirty (something I previously couldn't bring myself to do), and he was an escape for her from dealing with her real issues in her life. If I were you I would be rather sceptical believing any of this.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Compulsive Musician Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 I'm glad I could provide such strong entertainment for you Road. Actually, that's why we ordered an affair. So we could entertain you, at this very moment. You're definitely a people person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Road You can label it whatever you like, with perceived authority. I still refuse to be afraid of open discussion with my wife. Odd for you to advocate the opposite. Everything in life can't be tied up in a tidy bow. Black and white thinking is best left to machines. Realities of human spirit require more nuanced approaches, I think. I assume you are talking about the post where you failed to tell your WW no way no how are we ever doing threesomes. This has nothing to do with that threesome are never to be mentioned. Or that topics must be limited. You refused to make it clear that threesome fantasy talk will never cross into reality in your marriage. You are not to be blamed for your WW cheating. You are to be blamed for sticking your head in the sand and ignoring all the red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
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