Exposure vs keeping affair a secret

[Realist3]

The affair itself is self-centered and wrong, and it surprises nobody when those with that mindset try to (what they call) correct their wrongs with further "self-centered and wrong" actions.

 

This is the crux of the other side of the ethical discussion. Two wrongs do not necessarily make a right, no matter if we try and label it honesty or truth.

[Realist3]

That's an oxymoron. I completely disagree.

 

 

It is not an oxymoron at all. Where does remorse reside? Within.

[Furious]

It is not an oxymoron at all. Where does remorse reside? Within.

 

 

 

Ok......smh....if that's how you see it.

[KathyM]

Of course they are, no one denies that fact, but that is precisely where the ethical debate begins.

 

The decision to 'hurt' the BS was already made with the affair. Now the decision becomes whether to hurt them again overtly under the guise of truth and honesty. The ethical side of that question is not as black and white as many of you would like to believe.

It is far more hurtful to deny them the truth and take away their choices about their own life, than it is to tell them something difficult to hear. Denying them the truth under the guise of avoiding hurting them is only a rationalization that cheaters use to continue the deception.

[ChooseTruth]

Of course they are, no one denies that fact, but that is precisely where the ethical debate begins.

 

The decision to 'hurt' the BS was already made with the affair. Now the decision becomes whether to hurt them again overtly under the guise of truth and honesty. The ethical side of that question is not as black and white as many of you would like to believe.

 

Until someone gets pregnant outside of the marriage.... Which, I know, no harm done according to you..

 

Can you imagine finding out your Dad is not your Dad? Or having to pay child support to a woman because your H slept around (or having H coparent with another woman)? Or having to bear the resentment and expense of raising someone else's child? Or finding out your own child is not yours years later? Or having to pay child support after a divorce because you signed a birth certificate and then found out it wasn't yours? Or in the case of my ex, having to feel a life die inside you bleed their life out of you. I had never seen her more hysterical with pain until that point when it was confirmed she was no longer pregnant. I'll always wonder if the stress of the affair killed that child that could have been my own.

 

Never tell anyone it's ok to keep risking the above happening. It's sick.

 

Not to even mention STDS, etc. We've already gone over how innocent people can actually DIE even if chances are low. You give yourself license to take that risk for your spouse without their knowledge?

 

Affairs are dangerous. The people who have them wreak havoc and ruin all around them. Way more than just me, my ex, and my daughter affected by this mess.

[Realist3]

Ok......smh....if that's how you see it.

 

You should read the definition of remorse. Having remorse and showing remorse are two different things.

[Betterthanthis13]

You should read the definition of remorse. Having remorse and showing remorse are two different things.

 

Having remorse and faking remorse are two different things.

 

Showing remorse is a natural extension of having remorse

[Betterthanthis13]

Wouldn't make any difference. The underlying issue is not that she didn't tell me, it is what she was doing.

 

I don't know if you have an children, but this same thing happens quite frequently, not to the level you mentioned above, but with a lot of little stuff. If my daughters do something they know they should not be doing, and then come and tell me they did it, it will not change the ramifications of the original wrong or the punishment.

 

Yes, but I think my child is a bit older than yours though. I can no longer "punish" him for much of anything. If he decided to throw away his college career in favor of selling drugs... well it's his life but I certainly don't want to see that happen. If he came to me and confessed, unprovoked, and wanted help getting out of a mess he created for himself by trying to start a drug empire at college, I'd be much more inclined to believe his sincerity than if I happened to visit him on campus and walk in on a drug deal and get mad at him first- then watch him act sorry because he got caught.

 

Maybe the act of getting caught will jolt him into reality and make him realize he needs to change. But a confession is surely better, is it not?

[Cheetahs]

You don't regret the affair. You regret TELLING your wife about the affair. Big difference.

 

You've already proven you don't regret cheating on her, because you've said multiple times that if you didn't tell her, no one would have ever known and you both would have lived on happily into old age. That speaks volumes - it says you were fine with the affair and wish you hadn't been stupid enough to tell her about it, because now you have to live with the consequences. THAT'S what you regret.

 

Hey, at least, own your sh*t.

I do regret cheating. I wish it never happened. I told my wife because I felt guilty and sad. We never keep secrets from each other. I didn't know how to tell her or if I should. I was hurt inside because I knew it was wrong. I went to counseling and the therapist gave me two choices and said it was up to me. She listed the pros and cons of telling her vs not telling her. It was hard for me to tell her. I knew I would cause her pain. I told my wife three weeks after it happened. I know every action has a reaction. Sometimes I feel so depressed that I can't get out of bed or think straight. I'm still going to counseling and it does help.

[Realist3]

Having remorse and faking remorse are two different things.

 

Showing remorse is a natural extension of having remorse

 

ONLY if the other party knows they have been wronged.

 

As I said before the OP could be remorseful of the affair even he didn't disclose it to his W.

[Betterthanthis13]

People can be remorseful and still not divulge.

 

I don't 100% disagree. I think people can feel remorse for doing something that hurt someone else, AND not tell them. Something insignificant and unintentional. Like drinking the last of the milk in the fridge. Infidelity... No

[Coolit]

I think the child comment is nonsense. If our child does something bad like cheat on a test. Feels guilty and fesses up most parents will be happy that their kid had enough of a conscience to come clean... Even though it doesn't change the bad act. They will have to face the consequences of cheating of course but a lot of people won't add punishment. But if that same child gets caught cheating they will face te consequences of cheating and of trying to cover it up. The parent may say "you aren't sorry for cheating just for getting caught"

 

So confession vs. discovery confession is always better. Why realis debates that is beyond me. Sure, for some people cheating is a deal breaker. But down the road later they will probably say "at least the confessed and didn't leave me in the dark"

 

Confessing with no chance of discovery (though i think the op would have to be dead for this is be true) is based on the moral fibre. But telling the truth about what you did is NEVER wrong. Choosing to carry on as though nothing happened being right is highly debatable.

[Betterthanthis13]

I do regret cheating. I wish it never happened. I told my wife because I felt guilty and sad. We never keep secrets from each other. I didn't know how to tell her or if I should. I was hurt inside because I knew it was wrong. I went to counseling and the therapist gave me two choices and said it was up to me. She listed the pros and cons of telling her vs not telling her. It was hard for me to tell her. I knew I would cause her pain. I told my wife three weeks after it happened. I know every action has a reaction. Sometimes I feel so depressed that I can't get out of bed or think straight. I'm still going to counseling and it does help.

 

Don't give up on the counseling. Keep untangling your brain. Your other choice was to lie to your wife forever- and what if you got caught somehow? (Most people do get caught eventually)

Not to mention that you must have been acting somewhat stressed out from all the lying.

[Cheetahs]

You telling her isn't what she is mad about...it's the affair. Plain and simple.

 

If you didn't have one, there would be nothing for her to be upset about. I don't get why people act like the telling/exposing is worst than the act itself.

 

Keeping it a secret IMO would just be continuing the deception. Just because you hide your affair doesn't mean it didn't happen, it just means once more that the cheating person gets to make all kinds of unilateral decisions and in essence withhold information as they feel like it to control outcomes for what they want. Some claim they are protecting their spouse by lying...no...you're protecting YOURSELF. You are upset that she hates you and that bothers you so you wish you never told....it's not genuinely about her but hating the negative consequences for your actions so thinking if it were hidden you'd not have to experience them.

 

Curious: why did you tell your wife and what did you realistically think would come of it?

Thanks for your post. I guess I am trying to protect myself. I do live up to my actions. I'm facing the consequences. I guess your right. I told my wife because I couldn't look at her in the eye anymore. I felt torn up inside. I knew what I did was wrong but I couldn't bear to tell her. Half of me wanted to then the other half of me told me not to. So I went to counseling. The therapist said it was up to me. She gave me two choices of telling vs not telling and the pros and cons of them both. I decided the right thing to do was tell my wife. We never keep secrets from each other and we tell each other everything. I couldn't sleep in the same bed as her because i felt sick to my stomach. It was hard and she was confused why I was in counseling. I told her I was having some problems that needed to be resolved. My therapist said my wife will be upset and angry with me. I knew that telling her was the right thing to do. I think I am trying to protect myself. I miss my wife and children. I miss sleeping in the same bed as her and talking to her. I miss everything that my family and I did together. Sometimes I am depressed and question myself if I did the right thing. I know in my heart I did the right thing but sometimes I do have the what if moments.

[Betterthanthis13]

ONLY if the other party knows they have been wronged.

 

As I said before the OP could be remorseful of the affair even he didn't disclose it to his W.

 

If he lived in a vacuum and no other factors existed. And he was a robot and his wife was oblivious to his emotional state. Then probably, yes.

[Realist3]

Yes, but I think my child is a bit older than yours though. I can no longer "punish" him for much of anything. If he decided to throw away his college career in favor of selling drugs... well it's his life but I certainly don't want to see that happen. If he came to me and confessed, unprovoked, and wanted help getting out of a mess he created for himself by trying to start a drug empire at college, I'd be much more inclined to believe his sincerity than if I happened to visit him on campus and walk in on a drug deal and get mad at him first- then watch him act sorry because he got caught.

 

Maybe the act of getting caught will jolt him into reality and make him realize he needs to change. But a confession is surely better, is it not?

 

I'm not suggesting that a confession doesn't carry any weight in certain circumstances. It really depends on the offense.

 

In the infidelity case I think you are looking at a very mixed bag. It is my view it is generally done to assuage guilt the cheater is dealing with, not some altruistic notion of honesty and truth.

[Realist3]

I'm dealing with a situation right this very moment where I admitted something to my MOW, and really has me second guessing that decision based on her reaction. It was not something someone could label as a wrong, but I knew telling her would piss her off just the same. I told her to prove a point.

 

Thankfully it is working out, but I still question whether that was a the smartest move.

Edited September 16, 2013 by Realist3

[yellowmaverick]

Not true!!!! realist is a man and sometimes that is different lol

 

Never tar everyone with the same brush. I have been totally honest and so has Realist, but I can understand BSs point of view here. Realist like my MM has a BS who is accepting of his affair. Just like my MM so our opinions are different

 

Point well taken, J'adore. I apologize. In my first post, I said "most cheaters" but misspoke in my second post. I don't paint all cheaters and OW/OM the same.

 

Realist, as for your analogy about children, not so for everyone. My kids have always received a second, greater punishment for the lie (and withholding information is deemed to be a lie). In some cases, the initial infraction has gone unpunished if the child was forthcoming. Not surprisingly, my WH never got the whole punishment-for-lying thing. He always said, "everyone does it". This should have been a major red flag for me!!!!

[Realist3]

Perhaps. But I would have rather ate a shiat sandwich as a young man, rather than finding out when I was older. Wasted my youth thinking I had a good woman when I could have been spared.

 

I don't doubt that at all.

[Artie Lang]

what did you expect when you told her you were f*cking another woman?

 

now you're b1tchin' n moanin' because she kicked you to the curb??? sorry to say, but your head is so far up your a55 that you can't even begin to imagine what you did to this woman- YOUR WIFE!

 

stop with the pity party. you only have yourself to blame for this.

Edited September 17, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm not suggesting that a confession doesn't carry any weight in certain circumstances. It really depends on the offense.

 

In the infidelity case I think you are looking at a very mixed bag. It is my view it is generally done to assuage guilt the cheater is dealing with, not some altruistic notion of honesty and truth.

 

I haven't run across any remorseful altruistic honest cheaters in my house, so I will be agreeing with you 100% on this particular point.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm dealing with a situation right this very moment where I admitted something to my MOW, and really has me second guessing that decision based on her reaction. It was not something someone could label as a wrong, but I knew telling her would piss her off just the same. I told her to prove a point.

 

Thankfully it is working out, but I still question whether that was a the smartest move.

 

That is interesting and I wish I had more details.

[ComingInHot]

realist wrote, " ONLY if the other party knows they have been wronged."

 

This and some other dialogue brings to mind the truth that, "A man is only as good as his Word"

 

The words I'm reading are, "I'm a cheater. I'm a Liar. I feel bad about it, but not bad enough to keep my word of honor."

 

To me, Any man or woman who can't keep his Word/promises and continues to live in deceit, is Without Honor.

 

But maybe, in today's society, Honor no longer holds any value as it gets in the way of our "do what feels good" mantra...

 

I miss the days of reading about REAL men w/Honor. Totally born in the wrong century!!

[AlwaysGrowing]

The purpose of truth, is to give the other person their choices back.

 

Choice was one of the things stolen from the BS, truth is giving back what should have been rightfully theirs, as it should be with all of us.

 

Respect...self respect...integrity...all begin with treating others/ourselves as we would like to be treated..anything less...is manipulation.

 

Infidelity is designed to end marriages....it breaks the bond, the inner-sanctuary of that relationship. One that is not built on blood or a paycheck rather on truth, safety, caring,of us against the world. The other party deserves to know if they need to look at other options for themselves, mates can be replaced.

[Coolit]

realist wrote, " ONLY if the other party knows they have been wronged."

 

This and some other dialogue brings to mind the truth that, "A man is only as good as his Word"

 

The words I'm reading are, "I'm a cheater. I'm a Liar. I feel bad about it, but not bad enough to keep my word of honor."

 

To me, Any man or woman who can't keep his Word/promises and continues to live in deceit, is Without Honor.

 

But maybe, in today's society, Honor no longer holds any value as it gets in the way of our "do what feels good" mantra...

 

I miss the days of reading about REAL men w/Honor. Totally born in the wrong century!!

 

I dont know at your reading but it used to be not only acceptable but expected for men to stray. But if a woman did so... Heaven help her... Nope, infidelity has been around since marriage was invented.