Exposure vs keeping affair a secret

[whichwayisup]

I'm regretting telling her because I lost everything. My wife hates me and she is trying to take our children away from me. She kicked me out of the house and we are currently living apart. If I didn't tell her we would still be living together and things would be okay. I'm thinking I made the wrong choice. If I would've never told her she would've never found out. I'm trying to fix the damage I've caused but its hard.

 

Then work your ASS off and do counseling. Prove to her that you ARE worthy of a second chance. That you CAN be trustworthy again in her eyes.

In the meantime, BE a good father to your kids. Suck it up and start doing the changes that you need to do so you can get your family back. FIGHT hard and work on you. Sorry but you need a bit of a kick in the butt. You aren't the victim here at all. I get you're hurting too and pissed off because you're suffering major consquences..But that is life. You chose to cheat in the first place and honestly, it's probably better you came clean than for her to bust you and find out on her own.

 

You didn't ask her permission by cheating and you put your own marriage at risk by doing so.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Making decisions and then owning the consequences is the measure of manhood

 

Decisions and consequences can be good or bad, somewhat independently.

 

Sounds like you stepped up. Hope it works out for you.

[photogirl2006]

I hope you told her and didn't make her drag it out of you and every other detail like my husband did. He's a liar and today I have to go face more of his lies at counseling sessions. I hope you're not a lieing piece of crap like he is.

[atreides]

Good on you for taking responsibility for your actions (great character trait) but as other says, you cant escape the consequences just because you exposed.

 

The ironic thing is that i know many BS women mainly that years later, still together with WS have stated they would have preferred not to know; moreover the many women that are in "healthy relationships" have stated "if he is cheating, i don't want to know about it.

 

But then again they don't have to live with the guilt do they?

[MissBee]

I exposed my affair to my wife who hates me right now. However now I'm rethinking if I did the right thing. If I would've kept it a secret we would still be together and she wouldn't be so upset with me. Did I do the right thing? I'm starting to regret telling her.

 

You telling her isn't what she is mad about...it's the affair. Plain and simple.

 

If you didn't have one, there would be nothing for her to be upset about. I don't get why people act like the telling/exposing is worst than the act itself.

 

Keeping it a secret IMO would just be continuing the deception. Just because you hide your affair doesn't mean it didn't happen, it just means once more that the cheating person gets to make all kinds of unilateral decisions and in essence withhold information as they feel like it to control outcomes for what they want. Some claim they are protecting their spouse by lying...no...you're protecting YOURSELF. You are upset that she hates you and that bothers you so you wish you never told....it's not genuinely about her but hating the negative consequences for your actions so thinking if it were hidden you'd not have to experience them.

 

Curious: why did you tell your wife and what did you realistically think would come of it?

[MissBee]

I'm not twisting your words at all.

 

All I am saying is some of you like to make this false case that somehow if one confesses it makes the situation 'better', it doesn't. A shiat sandwich is a shiat sandwich. Telling someone, "At least I told you you were eating a shiat sandwich,(insert a huge smile) instead of you finding out on your own.", makes not one lick of difference.

 

Isn't this subjective though?

 

That is it is neither true nor false, but person dependent. It is so strange to me that you are insisting it is false, as if it is some external fact you can prove, when it's solely about how someone feels about it.

 

There are things in life that add insult to injury as well as degrees of something upsetting someone. We don't all value things equally and we all have our own deal breakers and personal things which make a situation more or less tolerable for us. If someone says they would have preferred to have been told the truth by their spouse rather than happening upon it by accident, as the latter made it worse for them...how can you say this is false?

[atreides]

First time I EVER heard that I must say.

 

It could be a cultural thing with the BS women that said that, but I cant explain the healthy relationship women that said, a co-worker, another at a fund raiser event among friends talking on that subject and so on.

[Realist3]

You don't regret the affair. You regret TELLING your wife about the affair. Big difference.

 

You've already proven you don't regret cheating on her, because you've said multiple times that if you didn't tell her, no one would have ever known and you both would have lived on happily into old age. That speaks volumes - it says you were fine with the affair and wish you hadn't been stupid enough to tell her about it, because now you have to live with the consequences. THAT'S what you regret.

 

Hey, at least, own your sh*t.

 

It doesn't have to be a zero sum game. He could regret both decisions.

The logic you are using to guess his true intentions is way off base. But I'm not sure what his regret of the affair has anything to do with the discussion. It doesn't.

 

There are several different ethical positions on this that are all equally valid, mainly utilitarianism, deontology, and virtue ethics. I know the majority on this board side in one direction, and that is fine for you, but you also have to accept that there are other trains of thought that do have intrinsic merit.

[Realist3]

just because Realist and people like him that are not man enough to take the consequences of their actions does not mean you did not do the right thing.

 

I did admit to the affair.

 

There is not simple right or wrong answer to the question posed. There are several ways to view consequences, and there are consequences meeted out no matter which side one falls on this topic.

[yellowmaverick]

It doesn't have to be a zero sum game. He could regret both decisions.

The logic you are using to guess his true intentions is way off base. But I'm not sure what his regret of the affair has anything to do with the discussion. It doesn't.

 

There are several different ethical positions on this that are all equally valid, mainly utilitarianism, deontology, and virtue ethics. I know the majority on this board side in one direction, and that is fine for you, but you also have to accept that there are other trains of thought that do have intrinsic merit.

 

I think this is where others disagree with you. While there are certainly divergent positions on this question, there is only one ETHICAL position. Honesty is always the ethical answer. IME, most cheaters don't get this.

[Realist3]

I think this is where others disagree with you. While there are certainly divergent positions on this question, there is only one ETHICAL position. Honesty is always the ethical answer. IME, most cheaters don't get this.

 

 

No, I just posted three ethical trains of thought that have very different views on the subject, each equally valid. You are in the virtue ethics camp, I get that, but that is only one way to look at the subject.

[yellowmaverick]

No, I just posted three ethical trains of thought that have very different views on the subject, each equally valid. You are in the virtue ethics camp, I get that, but that is only one way to look at the subject.

 

Like I said, cheaters don't get it. You proved my point.

[Realist3]

The fact of the matter is that no one here can make the determination if his decision was right or wrong because we don't know all the facts.

[Realist3]

Like I said, cheaters don't get it. You proved my point.

 

 

I'm sure many of them do get it. I get it. This is a divided issue even with many MC's and IC's. It is not cut and dried. I'm not sure you get the point.

[KathyM]

I've never met a BS that wished she had been kept in the dark about her husband's affair(s). I suppose there are some out there, but the majority want the truth of their life, even if it is painful to hear. Just as a person would want to know if there was something medically wrong with them. They'd want to know so they could make decisions on how to take care of their illness. They wouldn't want to be oblivious to what is happening to them. The truth enables the BS to make choices about her own life. It's basic decency and respect to give her the truth, rather than manipulate her by continuing the deception, and taking away her right to make her own life choices. It really is such a cruel thing to take away someone's reality from them, take away their choices, and force them to live a lie in a false marriage.

[harrybrown]

Many BS are upset not only by the cheating, but also by all the lies, and deceit. The BS is also upset by Trickle truth and by telling her, hopefully she does not have this also to feel like she was stabbed in the back many times.

[Realist3]

Many BS are upset not only by the cheating, but also by all the lies, and deceit. The BS is also upset by Trickle truth and by telling her, hopefully she does not have this also to feel like she was stabbed in the back many times.

 

 

Of course they are, no one denies that fact, but that is precisely where the ethical debate begins.

 

The decision to 'hurt' the BS was already made with the affair. Now the decision becomes whether to hurt them again overtly under the guise of truth and honesty. The ethical side of that question is not as black and white as many of you would like to believe.

[Betterthanthis13]

And you know this how? The fact is ya don't. Just because you come clean and tell someone you have been lying to them for a period of time does not change the fact that you did for a good while lie to them, which in itself is the original wrong. How they find out about that wrong is immaterial.

 

If your daughter had a secret life as a stripper, would you be more inclined to believe she was remorseful of her choice and wanted to quit if she confessed to you and asked for help to change her life, or if you discovered this fact by one of your friends getting a lap dance from her, telling you about it, and you had to confront her? Or worse yet you walking into the club while she was on stage?Would it make any difference to you?

[Realist3]

If your daughter had a secret life as a stripper, would you be more inclined to believe she was remorseful of her choice and wanted to quit if she confessed to you and asked for help to change her life, or if you discovered this fact by one of your friends getting a lap dance from her, telling you about it, and you had to confront her? Or worse yet you walking into the club while she was on stage?Would it make any difference to you?

 

 

Wouldn't make any difference. The underlying issue is not that she didn't tell me, it is what she was doing.

 

I don't know if you have an children, but this same thing happens quite frequently, not to the level you mentioned above, but with a lot of little stuff. If my daughters do something they know they should not be doing, and then come and tell me they did it, it will not change the ramifications of the original wrong or the punishment.

[ChooseTruth]

Are you kidding me? Now we have measures on degrees of upsettedness?

 

 

A lot of people make that argument, I think it is full of crap.

 

 

The night my ex confessed I handled it so well we made love...not that I was that into it but she was so grateful that I wasn't flipping out and actually calmly told her I was going to try. She expected me to kill her or take her daughter away.

 

When I found out for the second time that she had been lying about the scope of the affair I screamed at her at the time off my lungs "F

YOU!!! F YOU!!! F YOU!!!!" and told her I wasn't coming home until she had quit her classes with the OMM.

 

There are absolutely different degrees of upset, and lying makes MASSIVE difference in the potential for reestablishing trust.

Edited September 16, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[Furious]

Of course they are, no one denies that fact, but that is precisely where the ethical debate begins.

 

The decision to 'hurt' the BS was already made with the affair. Now the decision becomes whether to hurt them again overtly under the guise of truth and honesty. The ethical side of that question is not as black and white as many of you would like to believe.

 

 

The truth hurts but living a lie hurts more. I think many cheaters are not worried about hurting their spouse as much as they wish to avoid losing control over their spouse.

 

A truly remorseful person owns it and it's an act of respect for their spouse to give them their truth.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If I would've never told her she would've never found out.

 

 

 

The above is the only consideration when deciding whether or not to tell your significant other about your affair.

 

 

 

To tell one's partner about one's affair under such circumstances is nothing other than a choreographed effort to hurt said partner. Those who reason otherwise are merely self-centered and wrong.

 

That includes the sub-conscious effort that is fessing up to your sins in an attempt to get them to break-up with you, for being too gutless to initiate the break-up on your own. Still self-centered and wrong.

 

 

The affair itself is self-centered and wrong, and it surprises nobody when those with that mindset try to (what they call) correct their wrongs with further "self-centered and wrong" actions.

 

 

And now we're here... with Cheetahs at this point, and his concerns are still chiefly those relating to what he would (otherwise) have, vs. showing proper regard for the other, innocent party in the whole picture.

[dichotomy]

If your daughter had a secret life as a stripper, would you be more inclined to believe she was remorseful of her choice and wanted to quit if she confessed to you and asked for help to change her life, or if you discovered this fact by one of your friends getting a lap dance from her, telling you about it, and you had to confront her? Or worse yet you walking into the club while she was on stage?Would it make any difference to you?

 

It would make a difference to me and i have daughters. Confession and remorse are huge to me.

 

I would assume if she did not tell me, she had no huge issues with stripping other than me finding out. That would require a different discussion and relationship with her.

 

This applies to the OP and topic.

[Realist3]

A truly remorseful person owns it and it's an act of respect for their spouse to give them their truth.

 

People can be remorseful and still not divulge.

[Furious]

People can be remorseful and still not divulge.

 

 

That's an oxymoron. I completely disagree.