my husband and his first love

[BetrayedH]

If I had to bet, he still wants you back, right? The poor schmuck deserves to know that the woman who divorced him was a serial cheater. I guarantee he's just blaming himself.

 

I'm not sure your therapy did much good if you're still too much of a liar and a coward to tell your husband that it was really your sleeping around that ruined your marriage.

[goldencloud]

I disagree with that. He does not blame himself as all, and I think it's harsh for you all to be so awful. What good would come of me telling him I cheated on him? It would ruin him. I told him I could not be a good wife to him. He doesn't want to be back with me, he fast tracked the divorce. Telling him about men I cheated with as I am leaving him would destroy him. The reason I left was BECAUSE I couldn't say the truth, and even if I did, I still couldnt stay with him so I guess that makes me a coward

[goldencloud]

btw, just to answer, our marriage was awful before my cheating. My cheating just made a bad marriage even worse. He doesn't know about the cheating( well he knows about the make outs). He says I am sick, and can't stand me, that I am useless and need to be in hospital. That his entire family and friends think badly of me and everyone knows how sick and awful I am. This is all without any sex cheating coming into play.

[stillafool]

I disagree with that. He does not blame himself as all, and I think it's harsh for you all to be so awful. What good would come of me telling him I cheated on him? It would ruin him. I told him I could not be a good wife to him. He doesn't want to be back with me, he fast tracked the divorce. Telling him about men I cheated with as I am leaving him would destroy him. The reason I left was BECAUSE I couldn't say the truth, and even if I did, I still couldnt stay with him so I guess that makes me a coward

 

No, the truth about you sleeping with multiple men while drunk behind your husbands back would not destroy him but would have given him peace in knowing that divorce was the right decision. Again, you are only thinking about what is easiest for you. Your husband was honest with you about his ex even though it hurt you he told you the truth. You could not be honest with him because you didn't want him to know what you are really capable of and therefore left him wondering what really happened. You said it's been really hard for you because you didn't take anything with you but went on your own. You said in earlier posts that finances were not a problem because of your family so I don't know what hardship you are talking about. You need to change therapists because any therapist who does not advise you to start with the truth should be fired. I imagine if your H knew the real truth he would be sad he let his ex go. He tried to do the right thing by putting his feelings aside for her in order to not hurt you. Alot of good that did him. BTW, did you go to AA?

[goldencloud]

No, the truth about you sleeping with multiple men while drunk behind your husbands back would not destroy him but would have given him peace in knowing that divorce was the right decision. Again, you are only thinking about what is easiest for you. Your husband was honest with you about his ex even though it hurt you he told you the truth. You could not be honest with him because you didn't want him to know what you are really capable of and therefore left him wondering what really happened. You said it's been really hard for you because you didn't take anything with you but went on your own. You said in earlier posts that finances were not a problem because of your family so I don't know what hardship you are talking about. You need to change therapists because any therapist who does not advise you to start with the truth should be fired. I imagine if your H knew the real truth he would be sad he let his ex go. He tried to do the right thing by putting his feelings aside for her in order to not hurt you. Alot of good that did him. BTW, did you go to AA?

 

Hi, I agree. It was easier for me not to say anything but by default it was also easier for him to not know. What I mean to say is I think even if it were better for him to know, I'd still have kept it secret as we got divorced regardless. My ex husband already thought badly of me before the cheating but each time he'd change his tune when I told him to just leave me then if I was so bad ( the alcoholism etc started after our problems). When I say 'ruin him', I mean his pride. He wouldn't be able to handle it and rightfully so, I made a mockery of him. He's very sensitive and would have blamed himself as he is very insecure about his body and how he compares to other men. It would not have been about 'us' but more so, further affirmation that he was useless and ugly.

 

I regret I ever meddled with his ex. I wish I had been braver and less of a coward and been able to just walk out when the marriage went bad as opposed to escaping in alcohol and other men. In any ideal world, I could have told him and we could maybe have worked it out or maybe not but I didn't and I couldn't. I just left, we were separated and during this period we spoke a lot, mainly about me and how I don't want to be married and him wanting children and me not wanting it ( we hadn't had sex in 6 month) etc. Eventually I just said I want a divorce as I don't love him as I should and I was a coward who was pretending because I was scared to be alone and so I ignored him and neglected him.

 

He's now moved on, partying and generally from what I can tell enjoying his life. Lost weight and playing sports and traveling. His life is better without me. Financially it is hard because I lied to my parents as well about working back in those days, I wasn't. I just didnt want them on my case so they don't know how broke I really am.

 

I effectively have lied to everyone in my life. I think I lied so much that I dont even know what honesty feels like. I am now trying change and understand the weight of everything because it somehow hasn't hit me yet?

 

We don't have AA. I rarely drink now.

Edited October 22, 2014 by goldencloud

[DKT3]

Being that you have been so selfish throughout this whole thing, its no wonder you don't get it.

 

He knows that you cheated (yes sucking face with other men while married is cheating) what he doesn't know is just how much. Its so wrong on many levels, including risking his life (STD's) I suppose your going to tell us you had a clear moment in your drunkeness to protect yourself? EVERYTIME.

 

I can tell you, just how much you did with other men will be on his mind for years to come. Why? Because he doesn't know the truth.

 

In the end you did him a favor, who knows maybe he has a chance to reconnect with his ex and found happiness with a woman who will be honest and faithful.

 

Hopefully you will get yourself together before you get close to another relationship.

[goldencloud]

Also, he would have forgiven me not because he wants to but because he told me himself even if I don't love him, he's happy to stay together and have children as long as I work at it. For possibly half of our marriage, I was out most nights of weeks, I was constantly drunk, sometimes I wouldn't come home ( especially during mania) but he would be fine with it as long as I groveled and he believed or maybe pretended to believe everything I said? It's hard to imagine he didn't know when I was literally psychotic and would show up 6 am many nights of week back to the house.

[stillafool]

You can bury the truth in you for now. Believe me this will resurface and eat you alive. Later you will think about the life you could have had if you had told the truth to your exH about the affairs, told him the truth about everything else you were feeling, both of you admitting to your bad choices and sought marriage counseling. You would be much happier now even if you both still decided to divorce because you know you did the right thing by your marriage. Lots of people have affairs, stop and confess, seek counseling for both parties and come out of it with a better marriage than they ever thought possible. It takes courage to tell the truth and you know what, it still isn't too late to call him up and tell him the real reason you ended your marriage.

[goldencloud]

No, the truth about you sleeping with multiple men while drunk behind your husbands back would not destroy him but would have given him peace in knowing that divorce was the right decision. Again, you are only thinking about what is easiest for you. Your husband was honest with you about his ex even though it hurt you he told you the truth. You could not be honest with him because you didn't want him to know what you are really capable of and therefore left him wondering what really happened. You said it's been really hard for you because you didn't take anything with you but went on your own. You said in earlier posts that finances were not a problem because of your family so I don't know what hardship you are talking about. You need to change therapists because any therapist who does not advise you to start with the truth should be fired. I imagine if your H knew the real truth he would be sad he let his ex go. He tried to do the right thing by putting his feelings aside for her in order to not hurt you. Alot of good that did him. BTW, did you go to AA?

 

Being that you have been so selfish throughout this whole thing, its no wonder you don't get it.

 

He knows that you cheated (yes sucking face with other men while married is cheating) what he doesn't know is just how much. Its so wrong on many levels, including risking his life (STD's) I suppose your going to tell us you had a clear moment in your drunkeness to protect yourself? EVERYTIME.

 

I can tell you, just how much you did with other men will be on his mind for years to come. Why? Because he doesn't know the truth.

 

In the end you did him a favor, who knows maybe he has a chance to reconnect with his ex and found happiness with a woman who will be honest and faithful.

 

Hopefully you will get yourself together before you get close to another relationship.

 

I used protection aside from once. I got chlamydia from that encounter I think ( I did full std test last year after my last posts). He was closer than the rest to me as friend so I didn't think. I got the medication for chlamydia and also gave it to my husband. Told him it was from a wax. He believed me. I know I'm awful, the whole marriage ( aside from the first few months) I was dead inside. I just don't get it. I entered marriage because I loved him but somehow how his belittling of me and shouting and critique made my feelings shut down overnight? I don't excuse my behaviour but I really do believe that I was too idealistic about marriage and instead of putting my foot down and accepting emotional abuse, I did all that.

 

I could only leave him. I could never tell him. He now thinks badly of me because in end I was a waste of his time as he says.

[stillafool]

Also, he would have forgiven me not because he wants to but because he told me himself even if I don't love him, he's happy to stay together and have children as long as I work at it. For possibly half of our marriage, I was out most nights of weeks, I was constantly drunk, sometimes I wouldn't come home ( especially during mania) but he would be fine with it as long as I groveled and he believed or maybe pretended to believe everything I said? It's hard to imagine he didn't know when I was literally psychotic and would show up 6 am many nights of week back to the house.

 

Did you want children too or was he the only one who wanted them? I can't imagine a woman staying out all night drunk wanting to be a mother.

[goldencloud]

You can bury the truth in you for now. Believe me this will resurface and eat you alive. Later you will think about the life you could have had if you had told the truth to your exH about the affairs, told him the truth about everything else you were feeling, both of you admitting to your bad choices and sought marriage counseling. You would be much happier now even if you both still decided to divorce because you know you did the right thing by your marriage. Lots of people have affairs, stop and confess, seek counseling for both parties and come out of it with a better marriage than they ever thought possible. It takes courage to tell the truth and you know what, it still isn't too late to call him up and tell him the real reason you ended your marriage.

 

I really wish I could but my reasons for not telling him (aside from natural fear/cowardice) is where I live, I could be jailed or deported for it. Ive seen him be vindictive ( only when he's hurt) so it wouldn't surprise me if he reported me. Even if not him, I can imagine his family doing it. Adding to this, it'd destroy more people than just him and me. I left the city now and am living elsewhere. We have zero contact.

[goldencloud]

Did you want children too or was he the only one who wanted them? I can't imagine a woman staying out all night drunk wanting to be a mother.

 

I did for a short period ( in our normalcy) after that I didn't. When we had problems, he thought we should have children to solve the problems. I disagreed as said I would be horrible parent and put all my misery on the child( my mom did this to me so I know). He still wanted children till the end. I told him I didn't anymore as I was so scared I'd ruin them and our marriage was horrible. He said I wasnt responsible and I needed to think or at least make plans for children. Then I said I didnt again, and he said he could live with that? But every few days this fight would resurface.

[stillafool]

I used protection aside from once. I got chlamydia from that encounter I think ( I did full std test last year after my last posts). He was closer than the rest to me as friend so I didn't think. I got the medication for chlamydia and also gave it to my husband. Told him it was from a wax. He believed me. I know I'm awful, the whole marriage ( aside from the first few months) I was dead inside. I just don't get it. I entered marriage because I loved him but somehow how his belittling of me and shouting and critique made my feelings shut down overnight? I don't excuse my behaviour but I really do believe that I was too idealistic about marriage and instead of putting my foot down and accepting emotional abuse, I did all that.

 

I could only leave him. I could never tell him. He now thinks badly of me because in end I was a waste of his time as he says.

 

Again you are somewhat blaming him for your bad behavior. We don't know why he belittled you, shouted and critiqued you, do we. If it was because you drank too much and stayed out half the night it would be hard for us to blame him. Why didn't his behavior make you want to show him that you are nothing like he described? Why didn't it make you want to be a better person?

 

I'm really wondering why you are back at LS and what do you hope to gain here?

[stillafool]

I really wish I could but my reasons for not telling him (aside from natural fear/cowardice) is where I live, I could be jailed or deported for it. Ive seen him be vindictive ( only when he's hurt) so it wouldn't surprise me if he reported me. Even if not him, I can imagine his family doing it. Adding to this, it'd destroy more people than just him and me. I left the city now and am living elsewhere. We have zero contact.

 

If where you live is so strict on women how can you be out half the night, drunk, sex with different men and not be arrested?

[SawtoothMars]

And as for telling the truth, yes id agree if I didnt know to the extent that im sorry and horribly emorseful of what I did. Frankly if I left him id have all the sipport in the world and alot of financial stability cause of my family. I dont want to. I chose him and only him. There is a difference between not telling the truth and returning to a love I take for granted and a love that means more to me (now that I see) than anything else.

Agajn thank u thank u

 

If you cannot be honest with him and risk losing him... then you don't really love him.

 

Love isn't trapping someone into a sham of a marriage because it's best for YOU. I think you are selfish to an extreme and clearly incapable of love.

[goldencloud]

If you cannot be honest with him and risk losing him... then you don't really love him.

 

Love isn't trapping someone into a sham of a marriage because it's best for YOU. I think you are selfish to an extreme and clearly incapable of love.

 

I agree, that's why I left. I don't know how capable I am as I shut down and have a hard time distinguishing what I feel.

 

Just to clear it up, I didn't do any of this until a year into our marriage. It wasn't a case of me doing this and him belittling etc, it was the other way round. Not that there is any point to saying that.

 

I don't know what I hope to achieve here but assumed it's a place we can all talk about our experiences and get insight. At this moment, I'm divorced and my ex and I have nothing to do with eachother and I left for another city. And yes, I am trying to get better, to understand how I was capable of such behaviour and to get to the root of it. I don't want to ever do what I did again or find myself unable to understand myself.

[goldencloud]

Again you are somewhat blaming him for your bad behavior. We don't know why he belittled you, shouted and critiqued you, do we. If it was because you drank too much and stayed out half the night it would be hard for us to blame him. Why didn't his behavior make you want to show him that you are nothing like he described? Why didn't it make you want to be a better person?

 

I'm really wondering why you are back at LS and what do you hope to gain here?

 

As I said, it was the other way around. I entered marriage with blinkers on and a year or so in, started all this and then stopped. I was like robotic. It's strange. I left because I don't think I cared enough anymore and I don't think I could have ever cared again about him as a husband. My feelings died, I became awful, and gave up and left. I'm trying to piece it together myself as I type this. I don't want to ever repeat this or be this person again. I want to be better but I can't be better with him as I don't deserve him anymore and I can't bring myself to either hence the divorce which he filed for ( though I instigated it).

[DKT3]

As I said, it was the other way around. I entered marriage with blinkers on and a year or so in, started all this and then stopped. I was like robotic. It's strange. I left because I don't think I cared enough anymore and I don't think I could have ever cared again about him as a husband. My feelings died, I became awful, and gave up and left. I'm trying to piece it together myself as I type this. I don't want to ever repeat this or be this person again. I want to be better but I can't be better with him as I don't deserve him anymore and I can't bring myself to either hence the divorce which he filed for ( though I instigated it).

 

Before you married did you like to drink, party and sleep with hot guys? Be honest.

 

I guessing you did. Then you got married and tried to stop for your husbands sake. After a while you became bored and slowly returned to your party girl ways. You ex (who honestly sounds like a jacka$$) didn't care much for that and started to rage and belittle you. Then you where like F--K it.

 

I'm asking you, not telling you this is what happened.

 

If this is the case, you simply weren't ready to be married. I think this is the number one reason for the high divorce rate. People get stuck in what they feel is a marry'em or lose'em situation so they marry. When this happens at the first sign of trouble the look to bail. I think you wanted out almost right away.

 

Again I'm only asking

[goldencloud]

Before you married did you like to drink, party and sleep with hot guys? Be honest.

 

I guessing you did. Then you got married and tried to stop for your husbands sake. After a while you became bored and slowly returned to your party girl ways. You ex (who honestly sounds like a jacka$$) didn't care much for that and started to rage and belittle you. Then you where like F--K it.

 

I'm asking you, not telling you this is what happened.

 

If this is the case, you simply weren't ready to be married. I think this is the number one reason for the high divorce rate. People get stuck in what they feel is a marry'em or lose'em situation so they marry. When this happens at the first sign of trouble the look to bail. I think you wanted out almost right away.

 

Again I'm only asking

 

I appreciate your words. I really do as I myself am really trying to understand why I did all I did and why I couldn't 'feel' the consequences. The cheating I did served almost as an 'excuse' to end the marriage as I think deep inside I would have never left unless something drastic happens.

 

About my past before, no, not at all. I didn't lose virginity till 23, and it was long term boyfriend and yes I dated but I was very cautious about sex. I never slept with someone unless I felt there was a relationship potential. I did once and it broke my heart when he ended it with me. You can actually refer to my old posts as I've been a member since 2008. I barely slept with anyone because I knew once I did, my feelings would become intense and the rejection would be too much!! That is why I am shocked I was able to just sleep with someone within my marriage and almost not care? Like numb. I didn't even enjoy it. I knew I was being used ( well aside from one maybe?)

 

I didn't party or drink more than socially either. I was raised really conservatively and with each relationship, I just wanted to get married. I have a post about him from 2010

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/220945-when-you-least-expect-sun-shines. I truly loved him or so I thought. I think what happened is I was too romantically idealistic and a bit of a fool. I wasn't based in reality. I was looking for escape. We got married and I was on cloud 9 but from the very first day I could see something changed. He was so mean to me, always telling me what I was doing wrong and blaming me for his stress. He'd never apologsie when he did wrong and would freeze me out( I have high anxiety and can't handle being 'ignored'). In spite of how it appears after everything, I was( am?) a very sensitive person and his words really got to me and I guess my 'perfect' image was shattered. It's no excuse, believe me I know. I was no angel either as I was prone to emotional outbursts. I don't know, I just something was 'off'.

 

See, I just want to understand WHY? Right now I'm seated in my apartment alone. It's crazy to imagine I'm divorced but it's even crazier to imagine I was married.

[oldshirt]

He's now unshackled from you and able to move on and live a sane and healthy life so I guess that's all that really matters now. I don't know if I see any point to telling him now. I doubt if he is naive enough to think that you were faithful anyway.

 

The thing that keeps coming into my mind though is that scene from 'Gone With The Wind' when Rhett Butler finds out about Scarlet coming on to Ashley in town in front of the society ladies.

 

In that scene Rhett comes home and orders Scarlet to put on her sluttiest red dress to wear to her sister's (Ashley's wife) bday party so that her sister could have the honor and privilege of mopping the floor with her and tossing her out into the street in front of everyone.

 

In a sense, this is what you have denied him. You have denied him the opportunity to have his righteous indignation and the privilege of kicking you out for being a drunken, cheating ho.

 

So yes, as the other posters have said, you were selfish and entitled right to the very end. You had your way and got your cake and then skated out before you had to pay the price and face the music.

 

That's why people keep using the word selfish in describing these events. You ramrodded everything to suit your needs and your comforts. You gave him no options and no recourse. You didn't allow him the opportunity to seek treatment for you and possibly save the marriage nor the opportunity to kick you to the curb and have his day in court. All that stands now I'd his marriage went to pot and his wife walked away he had no knowledge or why nor the opportunity to do anything about it.

[goldencloud]

He's now unshackled from you and able to move on and live a sane and healthy life so I guess that's all that really matters now. I don't know if I see any point to telling him now. I doubt if he is naive enough to think that you were faithful anyway.

 

The thing that keeps coming into my mind though is that scene from 'Gone With The Wind' when Rhett Butler finds out about Scarlet coming on to Ashley in town in front of the society ladies.

 

In that scene Rhett comes home and orders Scarlet to put on her sluttiest red dress to wear to her sister's (Ashley's wife) bday party so that her sister could have the honor and privilege of mopping the floor with her and tossing her out into the street in front of everyone.

 

In a sense, this is what you have denied him. You have denied him the opportunity to have his righteous indignation and the privilege of kicking you out for being a drunken, cheating ho.

 

So yes, as the other posters have said, you were selfish and entitled right to the very end. You had your way and got your cake and then skated out before you had to pay the price and face the music.

 

That's why people keep using the word selfish in describing these events. You ramrodded everything to suit your needs and your comforts. You gave him no options and no recourse. You didn't allow him the opportunity to seek treatment for you and possibly save the marriage nor the opportunity to kick you to the curb and have his day in court. All that stands now I'd his marriage went to pot and his wife walked away he had no knowledge or why nor the opportunity to do anything about it.

 

I know. All he knows is I don't love him as I should and I don't want to be married. Over a period of several months I told him this and finally said we need to divorce. I didn't confess or suffer the consequences in that type of sense. The only way I felt I could do any little positive is leave with him everything and forego all financials/joint or otherwise. I know it's minute. I just figure that he would never know these things as they were married too ( mutual friends with wives and children now for most part). I just don't understand why he didn't leave me no matter what I did.

[oldshirt]

 

In that scene Rhett comes home and orders Scarlet to put on her sluttiest red dress to wear to her sister's (Ashley's wife) bday party so that her sister could have the honor and privilege of mopping the floor with her and tossing her out into the street in front of everyone.

 

In a sense, this is what you have denied him. You have denied him the opportunity to have his righteous indignation and the privilege of kicking you out for being a drunken, cheating ho.

 

So yes, as the other posters have said, you were selfish and entitled right to the very end. You had your way and got your cake and then skated out before you had to pay the price and face the music.

 

That's why people keep using the word selfish in describing these events. You ramrodded everything to suit your needs and your comforts. You gave him no options and no recourse. You didn't allow him the opportunity to seek treatment for you and possibly save the marriage nor the opportunity to kick you to the curb and have his day in court. All that stands now I'd his marriage went to pot and his wife walked away he had no knowledge or why nor the opportunity to do anything about it.

 

(Side bar note for the other people of LS. This is why many of us always recommend to people to do their own investigation and look for an affair even if there are no obvious signs and if it is denied.

 

If someone keeps their head in the sand and doesn't peel back layers and look for themselves, this is what happens. The WS has the complete upper hand and can come and go and call all the shots as they please and the BS has no options and no recourse other than to just ride the waves and see what future the WS has picked out for them.

 

Many WS will view it like Goldencloud and will claim that it will only hurt and upset the BS and will do no good in the end. But this is just part of the lies and deceptions and justifications of the affair.

 

A person can't influence or change anything that they are unaware of. By being kept in the dark, the BS is powerless and the WS has all the controls.

 

WSs are by nature selfish and entitled, they will always try to keep the BS clueless so they can have their cake and eat it too as well as walk away scottfree when they decide it's time to exit stage-left.

 

In the mean time the BS is left there clueless and bewildered and looking the fool and feeling powerless to do anything about their fate.

 

It may seem odd at first to tell someone who reports their spouse has just been acting a little different to go digging through computers and phones and to be planting surveillance devices, but this case perfectly highlights why it is necessary to always look for 3rd parties whenever a relationship starts going south )

[goldencloud]

(Side bar note for the other people of LS. This is why many of us always recommend to people to do their own investigation and look for an affair even if there are no obvious signs and if it is denied.

 

If someone keeps their head in the sand and doesn't peel back layers and look for themselves, this is what happens. The WS has the complete upper hand and can come and go and call all the shots as they please and the BS has no options and no recourse other than to just ride the waves and see what future the WS has picked out for them.

 

Many WS will view it like Goldencloud and will claim that it will only hurt and upset the BS and will do no good in the end. But this is just part of the lies and deceptions and justifications of the affair.

 

A person can't influence or change anything that they are unaware of. By being kept in the dark, the BS is powerless and the WS has all the controls.

 

WSs are by nature selfish and entitled, they will always try to keep the BS clueless so they can have their cake and eat it too as well as walk away scottfree when they decide it's time to exit stage-left.

 

In the mean time the BS is left there clueless and bewildered and looking the fool and feeling powerless to do anything about their fate.

 

It may seem odd at first to tell someone who reports their spouse has just been acting a little different to go digging through computers and phones and to be planting surveillance devices, but this case perfectly highlights why it is necessary to always look for 3rd parties whenever a relationship starts going south )

 

I'm going to agree with you. From my end, the easiest way to have found out what I was doing was to ask me why I always had my phone on me. Also, I had these 'new friends'. I went as far as creating names for them. I eluded to one of the guys being gay. If anyone else wants to know things I( or maybe any other BS out there), feel free to ask.

[SawtoothMars]

I agree, that's why I left. I don't know how capable I am as I shut down and have a hard time distinguishing what I feel.

Just to clear it up, I didn't do any of this until a year into our marriage. It wasn't a case of me doing this and him belittling etc, it was the other way round. Not that there is any point to saying that.

I don't know what I hope to achieve here but assumed it's a place we can all talk about our experiences and get insight. At this moment, I'm divorced and my ex and I have nothing to do with eachother and I left for another city. And yes, I am trying to get better, to understand how I was capable of such behaviour and to get to the root of it. I don't want to ever do what I did again or find myself unable to understand myself.

 

Holy Hot Damn... I missed your update post.

 

I'm glad we are on the same page that you didn't love him. Great news that you got divorced! I know this stuff hurts... I've been there... especially the nagging belittling spouse part.

 

Unlike some other posters... I don't think you need to tell him about the cheating because the relationship is over. At this point it doesn't serve any purpose for either of you beyond emotional complications. He clearly needs to fix some negative behaviors.

 

I think that in all honesty part of this was likely caused by never experiencing those things before. It sounds like you never had a wild party phase in your youth?

[hoping2heal]

You're emotionally dependent on him for validation. You probably have feelings of attachment too, but no you do not love him.

 

Loving another person is about more than what that other person can do or provide for us. You say no good can come of him knowing the truth, but what you really mean is that you fear no good will come of it for you.

 

For him, the truth might enable him to end his marriage and go on to have a truly loving relationship with someone else. But, you have already demonstrated that you do not care about his best interest or his happiness, only yours.

 

I do not think this will be the last of this kind of behavior out of you, because you are truly unrepentant. You only see what you did as wrong in terms of how it could hurt you or mess up your vested interests. You want to know how you can best preserve yourself for your sake. But, as someone already pointed out your secrets and lies are going to keep you insecure.