I cheated on my husband

[Kate.23987]

Kate, hope things are going a least a little better for you today.

 

Things are definitely not any better. I tried to call my husband and every time he rejected the call. I left him a message a few days ago telling him which hotel I was staying at. Then he randomly called me wanting to um.. hysterically bond. I didn't know how to handle it. I could definitely see he mad at me, possibly even more mad than when he had the fight with Jason. I just go along with it, and afterwards he just started crying. And then he said "just pick your **** up and go". So that's what I did, and I left feeling confused and used.

 

Last night, (I don't know how he found out where I was staying) Jason turned up at my hotel room. I told him to leave but he barged his way through the door and got his way in. He looked like he was drunk or high or something. He said that he needs me and he wants to be together. I told him he is the last thing that I want and that I am going to work on it with Ben because I love him and he is my husband. He walked out onto the balcony, climbed up on top of the railing and said he was going to jump. He said if he can't have me then what's the point of anything. He said he is tired of watching Ben swan around with the perfect life and he doesn't even appreciate what he has. I tried so hard to get him to come down, but I made sure I didn't make him any promises. He eventually came down. I told him I can't be with him and this would be the last time we see each other. He's going to leave town, it's the only way we can all move on. We talked for a while, which I did to stop him from doing anything like he was contemplating. He told me he'll never get over me and I am the love of his life. We didn't do anything physical, I hugged him as he left.

 

It was so emotional. I know that you guys will say was wrong to even engage him in conversation but this way it is resolved. I couldn't have his death on my conscience as well as everything else. I will tell my husband when the time is right, when he is talking to me. I'm not trying to justify my decisions to y'all, I'm just letting you know what happened. I did the right thing by me and what I thought was best in the situation.

 

I think we can finally move on now.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Things are definitely not any better. I tried to call my husband and every time he rejected the call. I left him a message a few days ago telling him which hotel I was staying at. Then he randomly called me wanting to um.. hysterically bond. I didn't know how to handle it. I could definitely see he mad at me, possibly even more mad than when he had the fight with Jason. I just go along with it, and afterwards he just started crying. And then he said "just pick your **** up and go". So that's what I did, and I left feeling confused and used.

 

Last night, (I don't know how he found out where I was staying) Jason turned up at my hotel room. I told him to leave but he barged his way through the door and got his way in. He looked like he was drunk or high or something. He said that he needs me and he wants to be together. I told him he is the last thing that I want and that I am going to work on it with Ben because I love him and he is my husband. He walked out onto the balcony, climbed up on top of the railing and said he was going to jump. He said if he can't have me then what's the point of anything. He said he is tired of watching Ben swan around with the perfect life and he doesn't even appreciate what he has. I tried so hard to get him to come down, but I made sure I didn't make him any promises. He eventually came down. I told him I can't be with him and this would be the last time we see each other. He's going to leave town, it's the only way we can all move on. We talked for a while, which I did to stop him from doing anything like he was contemplating. He told me he'll never get over me and I am the love of his life. We didn't do anything physical, I hugged him as he left.

 

It was so emotional. I know that you guys will say was wrong to even engage him in conversation but this way it is resolved. I couldn't have his death on my conscience as well as everything else. I will tell my husband when the time is right, when he is talking to me. I'm not trying to justify my decisions to y'all, I'm just letting you know what happened. I did the right thing by me and what I thought was best in the situation.

 

I think we can finally move on now.

 

Tell your husband now. Hiding this would be another betrayal to him.

[velvette]

Wow....you need to get yourself into counseling to find out why you make such terrible choices.

 

How did Jason know where you were?

 

Why didn't you call security instead of hugging him?

[imtooconfused]

Kate.23987, what an amazing series of events. It's not so much that you enjoy the drama because it is clear that you don't. But it sure has a way of following you. I don't have any advice but I have a few important thoughts...

 

First, J will not give up so easily. He will be back some way, somehow. Prepare yourself for that eventuality.

 

And secondly there is this:

 

Then he randomly called me wanting to um.. hysterically bond.

 

While you recognize the anger that he showed and are justifiably afraid, please understand that the anger is the result of true passion. If he had no feelings he would not have reached out to you at all. He still has feelings for you but he cannot get past the pain. While lashing out at you is a counterproductive way to do that, it means he still needs you in his life to help him cope with his trauma. Please recognize this as a minimally positive sign.

[Bryanp]

I think you handled it the best way you could. You cannot allow someone to kill themselves if you can stop it. I do agree that it is important is that you contact and tell your husband as soon as possible. I would text or email him. If he refuses to read it then it is his problem.

[aliveagain]

How did O/M know where you were? Please, get a restraining order against O/M, you need his drama out of your life(this will show your husband that you are choosing the marriage over O/M). This could escalate to the point where you, your husband or O/M are put in a life threatening situation. Move out of the hotel, stay with friends or family until you are able to move back home, only tell your husband where you are. This is very quickly getting out of hand.

Edited August 28, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[Coolit]

I think you should move home. It is your house too. You've given him a few days now go home even if you sleep on the couch. Unless you think he will physically hurt you. Sleep in a spare room or the couch. That is how you can show you aren't sleeping with Jason every night.

 

I also would get a restraining order and report Jason's behaviour. He needs help. I wouldn't just trust him to leave town.

 

Do not let him in again! You've told him where he stands. Don't let him threaten suicide. If he does, call the cops. They'll commit him for suicide watch.

[2sunny]

Did you call the police for help when he threatened suicide?

 

How could he know where you were?

[Chi townD]

Things are definitely not any better. I tried to call my husband and every time he rejected the call. I left him a message a few days ago telling him which hotel I was staying at. Then he randomly called me wanting to um.. hysterically bond. I didn't know how to handle it. I could definitely see he mad at me, possibly even more mad than when he had the fight with Jason. I just go along with it, and afterwards he just started crying. And then he said "just pick your **** up and go". So that's what I did, and I left feeling confused and used.

 

 

That's normal to feel that way. But, I already told you about hysterical bonding, so it shouldn't have come to a surprise to you that it happened and he may want it to happen again. So, let it happen even if you know it just makes you feel used. This isn't about you right now. Remember that. It's about making yourself available to your husband and if that's what he needs, then you help him. But remember, hysterical bonding....it is what it is and do not read into it. But, on a good note, at least this is some form of interaction between the two of you. But, very good of you to leave when he asked. You did force it, you didn't demand to talk to him. He'll talk when he's ready. So, good on you for not try to force it.

 

Perhaps the next time, after you two ummm...finish and you're laying next to each other. He may talk. He may ask questions. But, also be aware of something. He's a pressure cooker of pain right now and sooner or later its gonna explode. Maybe after a "session", he may get out of bed and explode on you. Scream at you and call you a wh*re, and a sl*t.....the most nasty and vile things he can think of. But, if you think he'll get physical, GET OUT!

 

You need to sit there and take it. And it's gonna hurt and you're gonna cry. What he's doing is he's trying to have you experience some of the pain that he's feeling. He wants you to hurt just as bad as he's feeling. After he says all that he's going to say, through your tears, apologize and tell him that you love him. That may or may not set him off again. But, you need to get it out there. Leave if he asks, just like you did last time. But, apologize again at the door.

 

I have no clue how Jason found out where you were. Don't talk to him to find out. But, my Spidey sense are kinda telling me that your husband told him. So, when you get the opportunity. You NEED to tell your husband EXACTLY what you told us happened. Remember you have no privacy and your life now is an open book.

[Artie Lang]

wow! this is a clusterf*ck of a situation, that's for sure.

 

i think you're handling this the best way you can.

[road]

Something smells.

 

How did the OM know where to find her?

[TiffanyT]

Something smells.

 

How did the OM know where to find her?

Yeah that's weird. I think the OP's husband might have told Jason as a test. At this point, Kate's husband is in so much pain that he can't think straight.

[Chi townD]

Oh, and did you notice something else?

 

One minute he's having massively angry sex with you, and the next, he's baling his eye's out. Say hello to your first glimpse of the roller coaster of emotions he's riding!

[Chi townD]

Yeah that's weird. I think the OP's husband might have told Jason as a test. At this point, Kate's husband is in so much pain that he can't think straight.

 

 

Well, she said that when Jason came over he was either high or drunk. He could have went over to Ben's with enough liquid courage to profess his undying love for her...blah....blah....

 

Ben could have gotten fed up and said, " She's not here. She's staying at a hotel". A few phonecalls to area hotels and he could have found out which one she was registered at easy enough. So, Kate I think it's important to tell your husband right away what happened.

[Coolit]

If she lived in a small city like mine it wouldn't take much to find her. Just a drive around until her car was spotted. A lie at the front desk and your at the door. Or as others have said H told hin to go be with his W.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The glaring misstep is not how did the om find the hotel...WHY DID SHE LET HIM IN???

 

I know when I stay at a hotel, I don't expect company, and if there was a knock at the door, I would LOOK THROUGH THE PEEP HOLE. Once she saw who it was, all she had to do was call the front desk...problem solved.

 

However, she didn't. And the hug at the end.....wtf was that???

 

Hugging the man who betrayed her and her husband...give me a freaking break.

 

You love the drama, you love the drama, you love the drama.

[aliveagain]

The glaring misstep is not how did the om find the hotel...WHY DID SHE LET HIM IN???

 

"This"

[tru]

Kate some ppl are going to think that you called Jason to make Ben jealous. Hope it works seeing that you probably did that in the beginning to win Ben. There is saying that I wanna copyright "it always begins the same" in your case history is repeating itself.

[bubbaganoosh]

OP was involved with Jason long before she admits to.

 

No way do they simply fall into bed with each other when neither of them is looking for it, drunk or not. (It may have been the first PIV intercourse but not the first physical or emotional involvement.)

 

The OP's husband was angry at her after the miscarriage because he suspected the child wasn't his own. So he was sad that it died but happy because he suspected it was Jason's.

 

So OP is angry at her husband for suspecting and so she goes out and proves his suspicions justified. She set out to seduce Jason--she actually made a date with him, poured her heart out, went back to his house, they got drunk, that wasn't enough to overcome his inhibitions so she turned on the tears and that pushed him over the edge.

 

OP LOVES the drama of having two men literally going crazy for her. Jason was on the verge of killing himself over her.

 

What could be better?

 

 

Huge.

 

I don't know what you do for a living but you would make a great writer for soap opera's.

[The Way I Am]

Wow, all that paranoia just wouldn't fit into one post I guess...

 

Sorry to hear it's still going crappy, Kate. I think you handled the situation with J okay. You could have not opened the door, but he would have just created the scene anyway, possibly an even bigger one. I think it's better anyway that you just explained you have no interest in him than if you just left the door closed and ignored him. That way he feels a sense of closure and is less likely to think he should keep trying because you're playing hard to get.

 

The hug was probably a mistake. I don't believe you had any ulterior motives to the hug, but you have to consider what your husband would think, especially when it comes to interacting with J. Don't do anything you wouldn't do if your husband were standing next to you.

 

If your husband isn't at all open to you coming back home yet, change hotels. If J shows up again, don't open the door. Tell him there's nothing more to say, and that he needs to leave or you'll call the police. If he doesn't leave, call.

 

Let your husband know what happened. If he won't talk to you, email him or leave him a voicemail. You should tell him everything, including about the hug. If you leave out the hug and then he finds out later, he'll wonder how much else you were hiding. Conclude by confirming that you want nothing more to do with J and want to to anything it takes to repair your marriage.

[Coolit]

I feel a lot of projections in Huge's posts. I almost wanna tell my story to hear what really happened :s!

 

Sometimes, Kate, people really vent on here. Don't take offense or run from the people who are way of mark. (tellin you what happened when they weren't there). I'd sinply skip there posts or put them on ignore. Because there is a lot of tough but good advice to be found here. I'd say this site was my saving grace!

[aliveagain]

Huge, ya gotta tone it down a bit, she is here for help. She made a terrible choice and she will have to live with it. She has done the right thing by telling her husband. Letting O/M into your hotel room was another mistake, you need to tell your husband pronto. Please, please see about getting a restraining order against the O/M, you need to keep him away from you. As I posted before, get out of that hotel room even if you have to get the local police to escort you home and move into a spare room. Do you have family in your city? You need help.

[janedoe67]

Kate, I urge you to make use of the alert us button. Either huge is your BH or he is dealing with some serious stuff. Posts like that will not help you or your marriage. Stay the course with posters who can be objective.

[The Way I Am]

Huge, I think you're going overboard.

 

Not every word someone says is meant 100% literal. A hug doesn't count as anything "physical" if it wasn't meant that way. Some hugs give off affection. Some hugs give off a sense of finality. It's hard to judge what type of hug it was without being there. The only thing we can be relatively certain of is that the husband won't like that it happened and is more likely to assume it was the former than the latter.

 

I really don't think she's enjoying this situation.

 

I feel a lot of projections in Huge's posts. I almost wanna tell my story to hear what really happened :s!

 

"Projection" that's right word I was looking for. Double like.

[GreySky]

Huge, you almost sound like what OP's husband would probably be saying out of anger. Are you sure you aren't him? I agree with the other posters, that you shouldn't be bashing Kate on the forum, she came here to get advice. I've been reading postings on this site for weeks, and decided to sign up today (like you have done as well, Huge).

 

As aliveagain said, she will have to live with her choices, and what decisions she makes from this point forward.

 

Kate, please keep us up to date with how things are progressing; this site is one of the best for advice and help, so don't lose hope.

Edited August 29, 2013 by GreySky
Paragraphs!