I cheated on my husband

[aliveagain]

One thing I am not friend is slow, I know a nutcase when I read one.

[Coolit]

Huge, it takes two to tango. Jason is just as much to blame as Kate. They each carry 100% responsibility for their actions. And yes, a lot of guys do lash out in violence at the OM. In this case doubly ao because Jason was supposed to be his bf.

[aliveagain]

That's what I'm giving her.

 

 

 

 

That's exactly right.

 

 

 

 

I wonder if she took the full responsibility when she told him. She didn't sound like she felt it was all her fault in her posting. Do you think she also tried to blame the OM which is what motivated her OP to beat him? She tried to blame him here. Do you think she admitted "I seduced Jason" to her husband? Or did she say "Jason took advantage of me"?

 

She's pretended here she had no idea Jason loved her and pretended she had no feelings for him and that she had no idea what was going to happen when she asked Jason on a date (all obvious lies of course).

 

I don't think it's very nice of her to have told her husband about it in such a way and under such circumstances as to induce a violent rage in him so he would actually go out and beat the guy up. And what did she do? She just stood by and watched it all. She knew what her husband was going to do...went with him...and just spectated. She didn't try to stop him. She didn't call the police to prevent it.

 

No, not nice at all. He could have seriously injured Jason and got himself thrown in jail. So what did OP actually say and how did she say it that triggered that rageful reaction? "We screwed five times...and I ENJOYED IT!" Or: "Jason seduced me, got me drunk against my will, then pressed himself on me...OVER AND OVER ALL NIGHT LONG!"

 

Why didn't she try to stop him from the beating? Call to warn in advance? Call the police? Why did she go along and actually watch him beat Jason up?

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn't a "mistake" nor were her previous actions "mistakes." Just like pretending not to know that sex was going to happen that night wasn't a "mistake" either. Nor was encouraging Jason in his delusion a "mistake" nor was "non physically" hugging him (which a guy like that will interpret as an encouragement) a mistake. The parting hug keeps the boy on the hook...."hoping."

 

 

 

 

Why? At this point the husband has kicked her out, it's over. Had she wanted to try to reconcile the LAST thing in the world she should have ever done is see Jason again, in her hotel room (her husband will never believe they didn't have sex if she tells him Jason was there), and then HUG the guy on the way out. No, she's not going to tell her husband unless she just wants to torture him some more and get Jason beat up again or maybe even killed this time.

 

The way she described it is more artful deception..as if Jason "forced" himself into the room against her will. No, he knocked, you knew it was him, you opened the door, and let him in, and didn't insist he leave, and then you hugged him on the way out.

 

 

 

 

On what grounds? She invited him into her room and hugged him on the way out. This is her lover, remember???? Is that your reaction to every evil thing a woman does--try to wriggle out of it by falsely blaming a man for what she did????

 

 

 

But that would spoil all the fun. Remember Jason is her lover. Why would she want to keep him away? She had sex with him several times just a week ago. It must have been pretty darn good to do it several times in one night.

 

 

 

 

But if she is at home then she can't do stuff like see jason behind her husband's back can she?

 

Some people are really, really slow.

 

 

You are either the husband or Kate's alter ego, something stinks here. How would you know she f**ked him 5 times? How do you know she didn't try to stop the fight, you weren't there or were you? You show up and Kate disappears, yup, something stinks here.

[Betterthanthis13]

As if you didn't know Jason had feelings for you?

 

Just how stupid do you think everyone else is?

 

You're not going to be able to reconcile because you're a remorseless user and liar.

 

Your husband is well rid of you. Hope for his sake he sticks to his metaphorical guns.

 

Kate- This post and the other posts in this thread that are similar to this one are extremely rude, unhelpful and based on so many potentially false assumptions they should be completely disregarded

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think you handled the situation with J okay. You could have not opened the door, but he would have just created the scene anyway, possibly an even bigger one. I think it's better anyway that you just explained you have no interest in him than if you just left the door closed and ignored him. That way he feels a sense of closure and is less likely to think he should keep trying because you're playing hard to get.

 

 

No, she did not handle the situation "okay".

 

A bigger scene than having someone commit suicide in front of you???

 

Closure is overrated. Its a tool people use to get the last word in, actually more often than not...a million more words/thoughts/feeling/emotions...you know...bull****.

[aliveagain]

What has happened to Huge and his post's, he just disappeared and so did his posts. Was Kate and Huge the same 4 letter person? If they are the same person does that mean that everything Huge said was actually the truth? As bizarre as this sounds I think Huge is alter ego Kate, she just told us the whole truth as Huge, you can't make this s**t up. Something smells.

Edited August 29, 2013 by aliveagain

[Steadfast]

In my opinion, the whole thing is a fake. Too many cliche' lines, too much predictable drama. Life isn't that. I read the original post and passed.

 

Hint: Any time any poster uses real names to describe individualizes, be very wary. At the very least that is poor forum etiquette. Sloppy. Amateurish.

 

Nothing to see here folks, move on...

[GreySky]

Originally posted by Kate.23987

Ben was so supportive, despite the fact I knew he was devastated. But recently he has been on edge with me all the time, he is constantly angry, and shouting to be left alone. I have tried with him but it is really hard and he keeps pushing me away. Whenever friends or family come over he's back to himself again and as soon as they leave he can't even stand to be around me. He told me when he sees me, he's reminded of what happened and he can't get over it. When he's not angry he barely talks and whenever I try to have sex or even kiss him he says that he is not ready.

Just a thought, Kate... you said initially he was very supportive, but recently his behavior changed before your affair. Maybe there was something more to his behavior shift, as there may be more to the story that we're not being told. In my experience, in an event as traumatic as this, something must have happened to make the jump from him being supportive to expressing anger.

 

As aliveagain has said, the posts from huge have disappeared. There are a lot of questions that posters have asked that could be answered, and it would go a long way to clear up things, including some of the things that huge implied. I do hope that everything eventually works out for you and your BS.

[janedoe67]

There is another option that I don't want to even think about. That Huge is Kate's husband...and this time HE went to her hotel...and it wasn't to hug her OR have sex.

 

People who are not violent usually do not suddenly jump to beating someone to a pulp. I have to wonder if this temper of Kate's husband/Huge might spill in her direction.....

[jnel921]

How can sleeping with your H best friend feel normal? It seems like your H has difficulty dealing with the loss of your baby. You will have to talk about this. He may need IC to deal with his emotions and why he is blaming you.

 

Miscarriage is very devastating. I was pregnant with fraternal twins and lost one of my babies in my third month and nearly lost it when I did. When my son was born I was thankful. There is a part of me that hurts as he is a beautiful person and I am sure that his sibling would have been to. It hurts that I never got to know. I am hoping to see him in the afterlife.

 

Drinking your problems away won't fix your marriage. Having sex with your H BF is not normal behavior.

 

You need to make a choice that you will fix things with your H or part ways. Your H needs to get it together and talk about what he is going through.

 

Good luck.

[imtooconfused]

In my opinion, the whole thing is a fake. Too many cliche' lines, too much predictable drama. Life isn't that. I read the original post and passed.

 

I am sorry to say that real life can be stranger than fiction. I have witnessed situations as described here and then some. It doesn't help anyone (especially the OP) to go and question the veracity of their story.

 

There is another option that I don't want to even think about. That Huge is Kate's husband.

 

I suspected much the same thing. Because the OP seemed to use everyone's real name, it wouldn't be hard for the BS to find the post and wish to contribute his "thoughts" to this forum. It appears, though, that his profile is gone, most likely banned, but I am certain whoever Huge was has already created a new one.

[The Way I Am]

I think you handled the situation with J okay. You could have not opened the door, but he would have just created the scene anyway, possibly an even bigger one. I think it's better anyway that you just explained you have no interest in him than if you just left the door closed and ignored him. That way he feels a sense of closure and is less likely to think he should keep trying because you're playing hard to get.

 

 

No, she did not handle the situation "okay".

 

A bigger scene than having someone commit suicide in front of you???

 

You assume he wouldn't have done that anyway -- or started screaming at every door in the place then threaten suicide, or that he wouldn't have just immediately climbed the building and jumped. You weren't there and just assume that it would have gone better if the door wasn't opened. But you don't know what he would or would not have done if she had not opened the door. OP used her own judgement on whether to open it or not, and yes, things turned out okay.

 

Closure is overrated.

 

Agreed. If J were here looking for closure, I would tell him that he need not look it with OP, because what people think of as "closure" comes from within. That doesn't stop people who don't know better from feeling like they need it.

[The Way I Am]

What has happened to Huge and his post's, he just disappeared and so did his posts.

 

The forum has moderators. They delete posts that are out of line and have the ability to ban people as well. I don't know if Huge and Kate are the same person or if Huge is someone Kate knows. But since people can't delete their own posts, it's not a big mystery where his went.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Kate, firstly let me say how sorry I am for your families loss of a child. This is a traumatic experience and has been the catalyst for a mountain of emotions and pressures that put you where you are today. The failure to deal with this problem with professional help, has only exacerbated the situation.

 

I know that you felt attacked when you first came to this site and I will admit that some of my brethren are not always very tactful. However, you have to admit that they were right about Jason having ulterior motives and took advantage of his opportunity. If you had not confessed, Jason would have continued his pursuit and this would have come out eventually and the fact that you kept the secret would not have boded well for you. Bad news never gets better with age and would have eaten you over time.

 

You are going to have to be patient with your husband and try to convince him to go to counseling to deal with the loss of the child, marriage and affair. He may insist that you have to go first, that is fine to set the example, but he needs this help to heal. This may not save your marriage, but he needs it to heal himself. People deal with betrayal differently, some would have immediately wanted to work it out and some are one and done kind of guys. His actions really doesn't mean he is done, he is just riding that roller coaster of emotion right now. Regardless if the marriage is saved or lost, you will have paid a huge price for the evening of indiscretion and will have learned a very valuable lesson. I think this marriage can be saved if both of you are willing to make it work, but the relationship has to be more important to both of you than your own desires.

[drifter777]

kate: seems like you may have left the thread but, if not, I do have some thoughts on this I'd like to share. First, what you did is unforgivable so don't set your sights that high. The best you can hope for is that you and your husband can get marriage counseling and discover just what the hell you both were feeling and thinking the past few months. He may be able to accept that screwing his best friend was just an incident of "acting out" and that you are not really the person who acted like a slut and betrayed him so cruelly. You may be able to accept that he shut down, emotionally, after the miscarriage and the nasty, callus treatment he showed you was his acting out and that is not who he really is. This scenario is the best you can hope for in my opinion. Even at best, you marriage is likely over and divorce is you best option. You both need to start new lives without all of this heavy, disgusting, horrible baggage.

 

As far as having sex - the hysterical bonding you refer to - I think it is truly a detriment to the two of you moving forward. It feels like love until he cums, but it's just an instinctive reaction by him to reclaim you - his woman. It means absolutely nothing emotionally and only serves to put a band-aid on a gaping wound. If he does this often enough he will begin to fool himself into thinking things are getting better, but its not a true emotional reaction so cannot help him deal with the real problem - your betrayal.

 

Your best chance at getting him to try reconciliation will be to get him to agree to divorce. Tell him the truth about how deeply his treatment of you before you betrayed him hurt you and you know he cannot forgive what you have done and call a lawyer. The reality of the situation might shake you both up and help you decide to at least get some counseling and try to save your relationship. However if this was happening to my best friend I would strongly advise that he end the marriage and get on with his life. No kids, bad relationship, cheating wife - with his best friend - all of this makes reconciliation a stupid idea. It will take more work and involve more pain than you can imagine, and for what? God knows how many years of living in a crippled, dying relationship that will likely end in divorce anyway? What if you get pregnant? You would only bring another innocent life into this world who is caught in the middle of all this drama. It's not fair to either of you to deny reality and carry on your empty, hollow marriage. End it, start over, learn from your mistakes.

[Kate.23987]

I have laid low on this site recently as I have been at work. Life goes on, regardless of what I have going on personally. I have moved back into our house, into the spare room at least and made an appointment with a counsellor. I did text my husband about what happened and he read it but didn't reply. We haven't really seen much of each other, he has been avoiding me. He says he doesn't want to talk until we see the counsellor and we've pretty much kept our separate ways.

 

I missed a lot of what went on here, I don't really have time to read it all so I'm just trying to keep y'all updated.

[aliveagain]

The fact that he is agreeing to counseling with you is great news. He may want to speak his mind in front of a trained third party because he really wants someone to keep control yet tell you how much he is hurting. He may be one of those that has a hard time expressing himself. Great that your back in the house, just great. Allow him his space, accept his anger when he gives it and remind him your choosing him and your marriage. Good news.

[Chi townD]

Okay, so that's good. Remember, you're in the house and you need to show your actions. If you two are avoiding each other. Cook him some of his favorite foods. Even if you have to plate it for him to microwave it later. At least it's something. Let him see you reading those books. Let him see that you are actively working on fixing things even before you two go to the counselor's.

 

If you're going to a counselor. DO YOUR HOMEWORK FIRST!!! Find a counselor that specializes in infidelity. If you go to any run of the mill counselor, then that might cause more problems than good. Some have developed an Oprah or Dr. Phil approach to what you have done. Making it your husband fault that you cheated. That he didn't do this, that or the other and that's why you cheated. But, lets be honest, cheating was 100% your fault and a counselor that specializes in infidelity is going to make you own up to your own sh*t.

[drifter777]

Congratulations! It sounds like you are going to get away with it! With the knowledge you can cheat whenever you want and your husband will just take it up the @ss, think of the fun you can have!

[The Way I Am]

That's good news, Kate.

 

As far as counseling goes, I agree with Chi townD. If the counseling focuses too much on your husband's treatment of you leading to your actions, it could do more harm than good. It won't feel good for you, but it's best to focus on your betrayal first and why you chose the outlet you did. His actions made you feel a certain way, and you can address those in time, but you chose to handle those feelings by sleeping with another man. If you don't accept responsibility for the series of choices you made (going to his house, drinking) right from the start, you'll have a harder time getting your husband to forgive and trust you.

 

Don't use the excuse that you didn't think anything would happen. Because if you really are that naive, then it's hard to see how your husband could ever trust you again. All it would take to happen again is for some man to trick you into coming to his house and offering you alcohol. That's not a good way to paint yourself to your husband.

 

Congratulations! It sounds like you are going to get away with it! With the knowledge you can cheat whenever you want and your husband will just take it up the @ss, think of the fun you can have!

 

Yes, think of all the fun she can have. Her husband blowing up at her calling her all kinds of names. Sleeping in a hotel instead of her own bed not knowing whether she'll ever sleep in her bed or if her husband will ever talk to her again.

 

You have a twisted idea of fun.

 

She hasn't gotten away with anything. Just because a BS agrees to go to counseling after one affair does not mean they're going to stick around if any future ones happen. Kate now has to now be one of the best wives on the planet if she doesn't want her marriage to end.

[troubadour]

Congratulations! It sounds like you are going to get away with it! With the knowledge you can cheat whenever you want and your husband will just take it up the @ss, think of the fun you can have!

 

 

Dude, you must be in a lot of pain. You should consider getting professional help because being an a$$ on Internet forums won't make it go away.

[dichotomy]

What the WayIam says.

 

 

When you go to therapy - for first session or two - keep it simply "I messed up, I betrayed you, I am at fault, there is no justification or excuse, I want to do whatever is needed to fix this, what can I do right now? "....

 

Don’t even let the therapist try to lead you to anything like "well what happen to MAKE you do this or what happened in your marriage to make you seek an affair".....you can address this later.

 

Let you husband yell and scream - and don't defend or excuse or get angry in response....again there will be time for you to express your hurt in future sessions. You need ER treatment right now for your husband and pain you inflected. There will be time for other discussion later.

 

Humility, remorse, shame, accoutnability, a 100 times over "I am sorry" "I was wrong" "Your right to be angry" "I hurt you" ....... for now.

[tru]

great news Kate! I might add that if there be drug and alcohol abuse you might want to try to get help for that too. Glad to hear things are going great. A word of caution most ppl break up many times before the relationship ended.

[DustinTheWind85]

Honestly, I can't feel sympathy for you. Not only did you cheat, but you let someone he knows, a supposed friend even, get what they wanted from you. Basically, you let his "friend" get to taste what he wasn't supposed to get.

 

I feel really, really bad for your poor husband. He deserves someone a lot better as a wife, and a much better friend.

 

You can't take back what you did. You've forever altered your marriage for the worse, and it will never be the honest, faithful, trusting relationship that it was.

 

And now you have to lie to him for the rest of his life to keep him trapped in the relationship.

[tru]

feel concern for Kate I'm wondering if Ben is just using her for sex. Maybe Ben is addicted to having sex with Kate but has no emotional connection to her.