Cheating husband won't sign a postnup

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Not with a post nup he doesn't. If you want out - get out - don't manipulate - it will be split down the middle anyway. Just file.

[vera345]

I am holding on him because I love him and we had 10 years together. Because he was a good husband to me. I never wanted to ditch him, he is not a looser.

Yes, my career took off but I always planned to have him by my side when this happens. I wanted those material things for our family and not for me personally.

I just feel if I just let him to stay like he wants he will never understand what I went through and will not be hold accountable. I want him to know that I won't tolerate this again. He isn't getting it through words

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am holding on him because I love him and we had 10 years together. Because he was a good husband to me. I never wanted to ditch him, he is not a looser.

Yes, my career took off but I always planned to have him by my side when this happens. I wanted those material things for our family and not for me personally.

I just feel if I just let him to stay like he wants he will never understand what I went through and will not be hold accountable. I want him to know that I won't tolerate this again. He isn't getting it through words

 

Then file. It will go one of two ways. He may not think you are serious. Get an attorney and file for divorce. Everything gets split anyway. He may cave at that point if he thinks you are serious. But if he ends up being the small percentage that really wants out you are better off without him anyway.

 

Protect yourself but don't try to manipulate him - not a good thing. It didn't work with me. I can't imagine it would work with anyone.

[MissBee]

I need advice. My husband had an EA with woman who loves 10,000 miles away. He never meet her but they wrote each other for about 15 months.

I confronted him bc he became cold towards me, never initiated sex, etc.

he told me that he loves 2 women and that he didnt really know what to do with this.

I did a lot of mistakes after I found out, cried, tried to convince him that our marriage was good, he didnt listen. After 2 weeks of no contact with her I found out that he started to talk to her again.

By that time I read tons of posts here and did full 180 on him. I told him that I still love him but will not tolerate an affair. I told him to leave. He said fine. He was searching for a place to live, I was indifferent, had a new hair cut and decided to move on with my life. He noticed and in 3 days told me that he broke up with that woman because of "stress and financial reasons."

He then started to tell me that I don't care about him if I gave up our marriage so easily and that he was shocked to my reaction.

Last week end, we sat down and talked. He admitted that what he did was wrong told me that he never stopped love me and we decided to work on our marriage.

The problem is that I don't trust him and part of me thinks that he chose to stay with me bc of comfort and finances and the fact that we have a child together. He invested a lot in my education and I am at the point where I started to make a good money after we lived for years on limited budget. My pay will go up with years and his wont. I worry that that's the real reason why he wants to stay. I can't explain his comment about stress and finances any other way.

I asked him to sign a postnaptual agreement staying that if either party will cheat, the innocent party gets a house. He refused. He says that this is an attempt to control him and that he will not live with a document like this. He says that no document can rebuild the trust and we just need time. That I don't want someone to stay with me for financials reasons and he wouldn't want me to do it too. I disagree and he won't back up on this.

What do you think I should do?

I feel like he did a horrible thing and now isn't willing to pay any consequences. The postnaptual is not about forcing anyone to stay in a marriage, it's about cheating.

 

If you feel he is staying with you for financial gain...divorce him I say!

[vera345]

Yes, that woman lived on another part of a world

[tbf]

If common law isn't recognized in your state, file for divorce and if he really loves you, he'll be happy to just live together. This will ensure that any future earnings are yours alone and you can drop kick him out at anytime.

 

But I wouldn't advise this in any jurisdiction that recognizes cohabitation as common-law.

[Mycteria]

To everyone asking her why the house matters:

 

Of COURSE the house matters. If I were married and my husband up and decided to cheat on me and dump his family for the other woman, you can bet your life that I would want to keep the house for myself and my child. If he wants to leave his family, fine. But if he does, then he has to really leave. That means the house too. I can completely understand where she's coming from. This man has already tried to leave her once! He actually chose the other woman, only to come back for "financial reasons." Yet here we are berating her for wanting to protect herself financially as well?

 

And to those who say he has nothing to gain...yes he does! He gains a chance to keep his marriage and family!

 

Aaaand lastly, to the person who spoke of her own experiences with post-nups: this situation is a little different. It sounds like your husband was asking you to give up your rights to all your assets no matter what. The OP is only asking for the house, and only if her husband cheats again. Completely different.

[New User]

.......

 

And to those who say he has nothing to gain...yes he does! He gains a chance to keep his marriage and family.......

 

 

From the tone and content of OP's posts, it is very apparent that she views this as more of an economic arrangement than anything. Why on earth would he give up a significant stake in that economic arrangement which he has worked for and paid into? HE. GAINS. NOTHING.

 

It's kind of comical to me to watch the attempts to twist this around so that he does. This is nothing more than amending a contract- and the amendment isn't one that is financially advantageous to the husband..... So let's pretend that it's about something else and that he should willingly sign a contract that may necessitate him giving up a stake he has worked for and paid into- by inference from the OP's posts, more than she has. He'd be a fool to do that. If she doesn't like it, I think she knows where the door is.

 

How many of you think that his attorney would advise him to sign this contract? It isn't in his best interest to sign it. There's been no indication whatsoever in any of the posts that OP cares about anything beyond the balance sheet regarding this relationship. Why would you expect hubby to evaluate things differently?

 

As to all the silly "if he really loved her she would....." whatever arguments- If she really loved him, she wouldn't ask.

 

Good luck with the divorce OP.

[vera345]

After reading all the posts, I still don't think I am asking for anything extraordinary. However, I am concerned that at this point the post-nup probably wouldn't help anyway.

 

I may ask him simply to move out and separate. I will never really know why he stayed with me unless we take the stress and finances out of the picture. IF he moves out and still wants me and his family, then its for real. If he doesn't, and will be happier without us - then I will know that only comfort and financial reasons kept him with me.

 

I don't know what else do. He doesn't want to move out and he is helping a lot at home.

[vera345]

The house is not his, we both invested equally in the house. I am making more now but I have a student loan to pay back too.

 

He can't show me the door b/c its my house too. He was actually willing to move out when I asked him before so I don't understand why he wouldn't sign a document stating that. He went and look for several apartments after the first time when I discovered EA, and then we tried to work it out for 2 weeks.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I need advice. My husband had an EA with woman who loves 10,000 miles away. He never meet her but they wrote each other for about 15 months.

I confronted him bc he became cold towards me, never initiated sex, etc.

he told me that he loves 2 women and that he didnt really know what to do with this.

I did a lot of mistakes after I found out, cried, tried to convince him that our marriage was good, he didnt listen. After 2 weeks of no contact with her I found out that he started to talk to her again.

By that time I read tons of posts here and did full 180 on him. I told him that I still love him but will not tolerate an affair. I told him to leave. He said fine. He was searching for a place to live, I was indifferent, had a new hair cut and decided to move on with my life. He noticed and in 3 days told me that he broke up with that woman because of "stress and financial reasons."

He then started to tell me that I don't care about him if I gave up our marriage so easily and that he was shocked to my reaction.

Last week end, we sat down and talked. He admitted that what he did was wrong told me that he never stopped love me and we decided to work on our marriage.

The problem is that I don't trust him and part of me thinks that he chose to stay with me bc of comfort and finances and the fact that we have a child together. He invested a lot in my education and I am at the point where I started to make a good money after we lived for years on limited budget. My pay will go up with years and his wont. I worry that that's the real reason why he wants to stay. I can't explain his comment about stress and finances any other way.

I asked him to sign a postnaptual agreement staying that if either party will cheat, the innocent party gets a house. He refused. He says that this is an attempt to control him and that he will not live with a document like this. He says that no document can rebuild the trust and we just need time. That I don't want someone to stay with me for financials reasons and he wouldn't want me to do it too. I disagree and he won't back up on this.

What do you think I should do?

I feel like he did a horrible thing and now isn't willing to pay any consequences. The postnaptual is not about forcing anyone to stay in a marriage, it's about cheating.

 

If you live in the US, UK, Canada, or Australia, you will not have a problem destroying him in divorce. Even if YOU cheated, you have the upper hand, being a woman.

[New User]

The house is not his, we both invested equally in the house. I am making more now but I have a student loan to pay back too.

 

He can't show me the door b/c its my house too. He was actually willing to move out when I asked him before so I don't understand why he wouldn't sign a document stating that. He went and look for several apartments after the first time when I discovered EA, and then we tried to work it out for 2 weeks.

 

Because he came to his senses. The more you push this the more it seems to me that this is purely a financial arrangement. And you are jockeying for a better position. I also honestly don't understand why he would consider moving out of his own house- particularly after having supported you for "many years."

 

He will not sign this unless he is completely brain dead. He has absolutely nothing to gain. So it all comes down to whether or not you two want to stay married. Since you seem so obsessed with money, you should realize that the divorce is going to cost you both a fair bit; possibly including being forced to sell the house.

[ChooseTruth]

Isn't this a 2 way post nup? If she cheats he gets the house? Totally even if so. And yes, he gets a chance to earn her trust back. It's not necessarily about the house imo, it's about him being willing to do what it takes to make amends. If she needs him to jump into a pile horse manure to prove himself, he should do it imho....who care if he has nothing to gain from the act (other than his family\marriage\property!?) How many of you have been through divorce? Just avoiding the whole process...sheesh. Divorce is awful...everyone loses.

[New User]

Isn't this a 2 way post nup? If she cheats he gets the house? Totally even if so. And yes, he gets a chance to earn her trust back. It's not necessarily about the house imo, it's about him being willing to do what it takes to make amends. If she needs him to jump into a pile horse manure to prove himself, he should do it imho....who care if he has nothing to gain from the act (other than his family\marriage\property!?) How many of you have been through divorce? Just avoiding the whole process...sheesh. Divorce is awful...everyone loses.

 

 

No. It is solely about the house and about simple economics. And a man who has nothing whatsoever to gain from signing an agreement that would hold questionable legal weight anyway(OP's rhetorical skills stand in stark contrast to her claimed level of expertise, so I feel comfortable in disregarding her claims as to the legal weight of any agreement she would be able to draft). We are only hearing half the story here, but even the half that we are hearing is centered on a rather poor economic choice for the man. No man should ever subject himself to "proving" to any woman that he is worthy. Yes, this is influenced by OP's exceptionally poor rhetorical skills and the manipulative language used in some of her posts. No, I simply don't believe the story as it was related here. But even if we do accept it on face value, there is no reason whatsoever for hubby to take this deal.

 

Divorce can be awful. IME it was well worth both the money and the pain though. I can't help but think that hubby will feel the same way a few years down the road. That's about all I have to say on the subject; y'all can get back to your mutual masturbation circle on why this poor dude should take an agreement that has zero upside to him.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I asked him to sign a postnaptual agreement staying that if either party will cheat, the innocent party gets a house.

 

A post-nup focusing on "cheating" probably is more important from a building trust, seeing-where-your-head-is-at standpoint than on actually being an enforceable agreement. Would it stand up in court? What evidence would there need to be to prove "cheating"? I think the value of the post-nup is more in helping to rebuild trust, as in, "if he is willing to sign it (apparently thinking it actually is enforceable in court), then it means he really truly INTENDS never to cheat again."

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

He never meet her but they wrote each other for about 15 months.

 

This may be "cheating" in your mind, and considered as such by society, but I don't think it measures up to any legal standard of "adultery." They never met. Do you have a post-nup that addresses what is considered "cheating" and what proof is necessary?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

did full 180 on him. I told him that I still love him but will not tolerate an affair. I told him to leave. He said fine. He was searching for a place to live, I was indifferent, had a new hair cut and decided to move on with my life. He noticed and in 3 days told me that he broke up with that woman because of "stress and financial reasons."

He then started to tell me that I don't care about him if I gave up our marriage so easily and that he was shocked to my reaction. Last week end, we sat down and talked. He admitted that what he did was wrong told me that he never stopped love me and we decided to work on our marriage. The problem is that I don't trust him and part of me thinks that he chose to stay with me bc of comfort and finances and the fact that we have a child together.

 

Sounds like he doesn't want to give up his "real" life for a "fantasy" life. Also sounds like he would like to keep his "fantasy" life, too, and is thinking that after a while, when things settle down a little, he will go back to it.

 

He seems very arrogant to make the comment that you don't care about him if you gave up the marriage so easily. How about you tell him it seems that he doesn't care about the marriage if he cheated on you and lied to you and hid it from you so easily? Also seems ridiculous that he thinks you should trust him after he lied to you and hid things from you - proving that he is NOT worthy of trust. You did, in fact, trust him before you found out. Trust must be earned. It takes time to earn trust.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[Zenstudent]

Because he came to his senses. The more you push this the more it seems to me that this is purely a financial arrangement. And you are jockeying for a better position. I also honestly don't understand why he would consider moving out of his own house- particularly after having supported you for "many years."

 

He will not sign this unless he is completely brain dead. He has absolutely nothing to gain. So it all comes down to whether or not you two want to stay married. Since you seem so obsessed with money, you should realize that the divorce is going to cost you both a fair bit; possibly including being forced to sell the house.

I don't think you're being fair to OP. She has stated severall times that she's with him because she loves him, I don't know why you can't take that at face value?

 

Personally, I'm ambivalent on post-nups. They are not likely to be enforced, they appear material/cold IMO, but I also acknowledge the signal a WS sends when he signs one, which is why I considered this possibility myself. With infidelity you get screwed emotionally, and if it happens again, you get screwed emotionally AND financially.

 

Since you're very focused on what her husband stands to gain if he signs, which is nothing but a chance to save his marriage and lessen some of the pain and insecurity he caused, what would you say OP "gains" if she just excuses him from his behaviour and balks?

 

What do you suggest the two of them do, if they want to regain trust and prevent repeted affairs?

[PhoenixRise]

vera345

 

Demand whatever you need as a precondition to reconciliation and do not back down from it.

 

It is not manipulation to ask for what you want and need. You do not owe it to him to reconcile. You are not obligated to reconcile. He is not entitled somehow to be/stay married to you.

 

Manipulation would be getting him to sign over assets or sign a post nup while you only pretended to reconcile all the while intending to divorce and screw him financially. You are not doing that. You are asking for what you want/need to stay in the marriage while you legitimately work on the marriage and you are only asking for your rights to the house if he cheats again. And frankly, he has given you every reason to think he might cheat in the future. Part of reconciliation is proving you can be trusted again. He is not entitled to your trust anymore, he needs to actually earn it back. You would be an idiot to just trust him again solely on his word.

 

HE is trying to manipulate YOU by claiming first that you must not have loved him since you gave up on the marriage so quickly and then claiming that NOW if you divorce, it won't be because he cheated, it will be because you want a post nup. As if the post nup came out of the blue with no provocation at all.

 

And based on his comments to his OW breaking up with her because of financial issues and stress, you are right to be concerned that he is staying with you for those reasons. I get it, you want him to be there because he loves you, not because it is financially more secure for him to stay.

 

He doesn't have to comply with your request. He has choices. He can refuse. And you can decide what to do if he does refuse.

 

If you are amending your marriage contract.....well he amended it first, behind your back and without your permission.

Edited August 14, 2013 by PhoenixRise

[ChooseTruth]

No. It is solely about the house and about simple economics.

I think rebuilding trust after betrayal and proving his devotion are huge factors here. To ignore a BSs feelings is not a good idea.

 

And a man who has nothing whatsoever to gain from signing an agreement that would hold questionable legal weight anyway(OP's rhetorical skills stand in stark contrast to her claimed level of expertise, so I feel comfortable in disregarding her claims as to the legal weight of any agreement she would be able to draft). We are only hearing half the story here, but even the half that we are hearing is centered on a rather poor economic choice for the man. No man should ever subject himself to "proving" to any woman that he is worthy.

Wow, does that go for women too or just men? Even if they just got done with an EA that lasted over a year? I gotta say I completely disagree. Once someone has been proven a liar you would be a fool to accept them back on blind faith. Most of the time they lie lie lie lie.

 

and I can repeat about what he has to gain (trust, marriage, etc) but we've said that a lot now. For you its just about money, the WS shouldn't have to prove anything. BS should sweep everything under the rug and be happy trusting a proven liar. Great.

Yes, this is influenced by OP's exceptionally poor rhetorical skills and the manipulative language used in some of her posts. No, I simply don't believe the story as it was related here. But even if we do accept it on face value, there is no reason whatsoever for hubby to take this deal.

 

Divorce can be awful. IME it was well worth both the money and the pain though. I can't help but think that hubby will feel the same way a few years down the road. That's about all I have to say on the subject; y'all can get back to your mutual masturbation circle on why this poor dude should take an agreement that has zero upside to him.

I actually think she should divorce him, he doesn't sound very remorseful to me.

[vera345]

I talked to him and took the postnuptial from the table.

I explained to him my issue with trust, and he stands by his position that financial document won't fix it. He also points out that this will be too open for interpretation. I told him that it seems to me that he acknowledges the problem but is only willing to do what he wants to do to fix it, and not what I need him to do. He disagrees and says that he opens to anything else but this idea is stupid and wouldn't give me what I want in the first place.

He says me working in a legal field is trying to fix my marriage with legal documents wouldn't work.

 

I told him that what I need now is a space to think about a lot of things. He agrees to give it to me and will be staying out. I will stay at the house with our baby. He will continue to pick her up from the daycare and spend time with her. We also agreed to start marriage counseling and he will schedule an appointment.

[vera345]

I asked him where he is staying. He said he slept in his car and will continue doing it.

[vera345]

We discussed possibility of divorce and he told me its up to me if I want to keep a house.

[tbf]

We discussed possibility of divorce and he told me its up to me if I want to keep a house.

Then divorce and see if he holds true to his word about you keeping the house.

[Red Wolverine]

He's a big baby who wants it all.

 

The post nuptial is a sign of faith and commitment. If he was truly remorseful and invested in your marriage, he'd do anything to demonstrate that.

 

Divorce him. He will go back to doing whatever he wants when this blows over and you'll never trust him again.

 

You called his bluff and he caved but then he called yours and you caved right back. That's not compromise, that's fear.

 

Fear, on both your parts, does not make a successful marriage.