Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[Misadventure]

MJ, I think you just answered a big part for me, thank you. The last yr and a half was without him in that house.. me and the dogs.. in the beginning (as evidence of this thread lol) it was so so hard. I was in shell shock and lost.

 

But then I really started to evolve and become strong and I had great time with friends there, this was the majority of the home my dogs have known, where I have fostered over 200 dogs in 4 yrs to rehabilitate and get them homes, and at one time where I was happy in a relationship and planning a family.

 

I think the house is a chapter in my life... the house itself.. the laughs that the wall have heard... the tears that the ceilings have looked down on...and the ground that lifted me up when I finally got my footing.

[trippi1432]

MJ, I think you just answered a big part for me, thank you. The last yr and a half was without him in that house.. me and the dogs.. in the beginning (as evidence of this thread lol) it was so so hard. I was in shell shock and lost.

 

But then I really started to evolve and become strong and I had great time with friends there, this was the majority of the home my dogs have known, where I have fostered over 200 dogs in 4 yrs to rehabilitate and get them homes, and at one time where I was happy in a relationship and planning a family.

 

I think the house is a chapter in my life... the house itself.. the laughs that the wall have heard... the tears that the ceilings have looked down on...and the ground that lifted me up when I finally got my footing.

 

That ^^^^^^^^^^^^ is beautiful and so eloquently put MisA.

 

Relative to that perspective, you don't just put down the book......you begin a new chapter; one you can write for yourself.

 

Why you rode by there isn't reflective of him or your feelings for or about him, they are reflective of you dealing with those emotions and growing from them, and what you wrote above....is just that. :bunny:

 

Hugs MisA!!

[LoveMyCat]

It is difficult, but try to think of the house as just a building. Not a magic place that contains a large part of your life. When you moved, your life moved with you and now you have a new building to resume your life in a new way. I think it is possible to give houses too much power over us sometimes. In my case, the old house is a place to avoid, as it represents a number of unhappy years, those more recent that the earlier, better memories. But it is still just a house.

[Ralph79]

It is difficult, but try to think of the house as just a building. Not a magic place that contains a large part of your life. When you moved, your life moved with you and now you have a new building to resume your life in a new way. I think it is possible to give houses too much power over us sometimes. In my case, the old house is a place to avoid, as it represents a number of unhappy years, those more recent that the earlier, better memories. But it is still just a house.

 

I honestly get depressed when visiting the houses I used to live in. They remind me of what is dead and gone. The decayed or altered state of them is a painful reminder of what will never be again. I honestly avoid going back to them because all the precious moments I treasure from my past are in my mind not in the structures I once called Home.

[Misadventure]

I have avoiding going to my friend's house because it's right across catty corner to my old house.. but I went Saturday to her get together.

 

I remember driving up.. passing my old house.. I looked.. felt nothing. Curiosity maybe but nothing. It was a dark empty house.

 

Which he was hardly at and did not go to that evening.

 

...which.. I think bothers me only because I really want to be able to emotionally and physically move on, but I am trying.

 

TY for the video, I think that really did help.

 

I found this... and this article spoke to me. She said some key things that really hit home. Her words moved me.

 

How I picked myself up after divorce | Life and style | The Guardian

 

Me? I admit I am a bit down... it's my self esteem is what it is. I feel just so blah. I know (in my head) I am an attractive female who just has some curve and just needs to get her arse to the gym.. after work (s).... I just get so tired...and down.. I just want to lay in bed with my dogs.

 

I need to snap out of this.

 

So... I decided to go to my friends event this coming weekend. Its a masquerade ball. I have a corset and bustle skirt and going with friends. They are all coupled up.. but I know some single menz will be there lol.

 

I also have decided to join a divorce (meet up) group, I think it will help me.

 

And I need to get my arse to the gym!

[No Limit]

A quote that stuck with me for some time now comes to mind;

 

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily."

 

Heads up. Both negative and positive feelings are only temporary.

[lgspot]

Sounds like you're getting your feet back under you...

I've found that when reentering the dating world its either feast or famine.

My psychic self says you'll be feasting really, really soon.

Corset and Bustle I have a suspicion the guys will be doing plenty of arse inspecting gym or no gym... lol... Us men being men....

Enjoy the adventure and reap the rewards.....

 

 

Once again, its just a house (with a pinto penis--lol)... The more you pass it the easier if will become with time.

Enjoy the party and your friends.

[Misadventure]

I have been working on me- really no dating.

 

Just worries me though as I had wanted kids and I feel like I am giving up.

 

Just read this btw for those of you in this boat (even though age part is not my combination, I think this article is relevant. ) This Is What It's Like To Divorce At 40 After 14 Years Of Marriage

[lgspot]

I have been working on me- really no dating.

 

Just worries me though as I had wanted kids and I feel like I am giving up.

 

Just read this btw for those of you in this boat (even though age part is not my combination, I think this article is relevant. ) This Is What It's Like To Divorce At 40 After 14 Years Of Marriage

 

Interesting article.

 

Kudos on the working on you.

I'm sure you're getting better and stronger everyday.

You went through a bit of a war. It takes time to recover. No hurries. Its not a race.

Dating will be there when you're ready. You'll have plenty of guys to choose from...

You're still completely young enough for kids. Again no hurry.

There are many adventures awaiting you.

You'll even have time for motherhood....

[trippi1432]

Miss A - It's a good article...and certainly I can relate to it. Not to minimize your pain, because I totally can empathize where your head and your heart aren't in the same place, it brings you down.

 

The woman in that article found herself a single mom after thinking that she and her husband would be married forever, the fact is, they still have a connection. Take it from me, that connection becomes less and less as time moves on and children of divorced parents grow up.

 

If I may be blunt, divorced at 40 is a huge awakening. In most cases, it involves dating men who you don't have a parenting connection with, you just want companionship, an intimate connection, someone you can care for and who cares about you, that will accept your kids and whose kids you can accept (without either ex's drama). And when those break ups/divorces happen.....it's very similar to what you are going through now.

 

I feel I had to say that because the next thing I want to say will sound like everyday rhetoric to you. You are young....you have your life ahead of you. I know you get that, everyone does, and it doesn't really help. But if we didn't have rhetoric and no one ever told you that, well...gosh, those could be the healing words.

 

Just this past weekend my over 40 best friend who has never been married and never had kids had a breakdown as her cousin is getting married and she has to attend a few weddings this year. Something is missing from her life and she's realizing that. You can "sleep" through life because you let the pain of a life event control you, make your decisions for you, allow you to ignore life moving on in general.

 

Don't do this to yourself. When you ride past that house under any circumstances, remember that it was home because YOU made it that. It was YOUR contributions that made it not dark and dismal. And if I may again, be blunt....stop giving what "is no more" rental space in your head and heart, that space needs to be filled with just YOU.

 

Hugs!!

[chew123]

MisA,

 

Working on yourself is good. Its no good dating til you are really ready. I have met someone and though I really enjoy her company, since I did not wait long enough I will probably screw it up by being too needy.

 

I think it takes a long time to recover. But you will get there. One thing we can all say is that we have survived 100 percent of what has happened to us so far. You will get to where you have to be.

 

And don't rush into anything with anybody because you are worried about kids. I don't know how old you are but you sound relatively young and there are a lot of options for women who are slightly older now.

 

One thing I have done lately that I think has helped me is to forgive my wife. Hanging on to the anger was only hurting me anyway. And to be honest she seems pitiful when I see her now so it makes it easier. She is the one who has to carry around what she did for the rest of her life. It is her burden not mine so I choose to let it go.

 

Good luck with everything and get to the gym. I still am not in the best shape, but working out really helps me feel better. And always remember, he is the disordered person, not you.

[Misadventure]

Hi Everyone! TY Trippi and Chew, I read what you said and it is so relevant thank you.

 

So... so much has happened since I last posted.. and I want to make a post now and then here to help others, encourage and to stay updated. I also have begun piecing this all together and writing a book... perhaps will self publish on Amazon or find a Book Agent... I actually have spoken with an author/friend and she said self publish is the way to go. Will see.

 

Ok first the Bad.. and Mediocre...

 

-July 4th will be 2 yrs to the day that the falling action of this bust of a marriage happened when I caught him looking for apartments "looking at my options". BITE ME, spotted pen@l @zzwipe! Thank you for the alimony and settlement though...please drive thru.

 

-I turned 38.... Auugghhhh!!!!! Still no fine lines or wrinkles so I thank my moisturizer.

 

- So remember we were all questioning "Who does that SUV belong to blah blah?" It is indeed his now LIVE IN GF. I guess she moved in maybe early Feb-ish or end of Jan? Not sure, don't really care when. How did I find out you ask... Hmmm... Funny story and I will tell you because I like to share... it's also just bloody entertaining and I want to make you spit out your glass of wine in giggles... I'm a giver in that way. :bunny:

 

So I was at my friend's Bday gathering at a drag queen restaurant/show (no.. the drag queen is not his new GF) and a ran into a former neighbor.. she walked up to me and told me she had passed my house and saw "me" on the side of the house in the yard with my Ex, and my yellow Lab and she wondered why on earth I would be there at the house and WITH HIM.

So she pulled into the driveway... and mind, you this lady is like 6'1, blonde, used to be a body builder back in the day, and she has one of those really big F150 super tall trucks. She got out of the truck to come say hi to "me" and my lab she loves so much... she came around the side of the house and said "Hey!" and then "I" turned around... she realized was NOT ME. She said "Oh.. my bad.. thought you were the other one".. and high tailed it out of there. You're laughing so far, right? I know I did... spit out some Margarita when I heard. She said this girl looks like me except darker, looks like a true Mexican with black hair (mine is red and I am fairer complected and Itali/Mex/American Descent, stay out of sun), and she looked like maybe 10-15 lbs thinner but same body shape and type minus a chest (cause I have one.. you heard it here first)... AND the yellow lab is what made her think especially was me.

 

So.. thoughts.. reactions?

 

She then went on to say that she never stopped by again but that my former direct next door neighbor to my old house told her that she is a full domestic, does not have a job and is there most of the time, used to be a waitress, and that they all (4 of the neighbors) had the same reaction (silently among themselves). Also mentioned that she is a homebody like him not that talkative.. and they rarely go out.

 

Honestly... it seems like a perfect match.. I really don't care, play on. Enjoy the spotted D--- honey! It only lasts 15 minutes.

 

I think what I do care about is that I, too, would like to find my own person... I have dated since we have last spoken on here... BUT... wasn't for me... handsome.. funny... But our value system and religious beliefs contradicted. I am actually not that religious.. but when someone demeans someone else for their faith (unless its Isis/Terrorism style)...such a huge turn off and dealbreaker. I told him straight up.. I honestly don't care about your soul.. and that probably makes me a horrible Christian... I am a shotty Christian but at least I am honest.. I am here to save animals.. not people.. but when you start making fun of what I believe or demeaning me because of it.. Oh.. it's on. I'm not here to shove religion down someone's path and expect the same in return or their lack of it. Then the person briefly after that... Ohh.. be still my heart...he was an Irish bloke... long long hair down to the top of his derriere...he liked Kilts, music, films and kind of a hot nerd. We had the best conversations.. he stayed out of the sun with me... great moments. So what was the dealbreaker here? Anti TV to the point he never wanted to own one or be in a vicinity of one...very.. "organic food only"... Athiest and serious about it, life as we know it is in reality a computer program and we are part of a simulation, we are not real...And my favorite...He occasionally likes to sleep in a coffin thats built for two (hint hint) when it is too sunny outside and he needs a nap.

 

So.. dating life.. has been eventful. I feel like Goldilocks but in dating... I think I should start my own reality show called The Dating Habits of Misadventure.

 

So the Good News..

 

- Well, have been swamped with family and Job stuff but since one of my jobs is ending soon due to owner retirement.. I have been lining up job possibilities at my main job for a better position.

 

- Saving Money

 

- My Dogs are amazing and still managing to save animals in spare time

 

- I really have no love lost for the ex in a very very long time. Chew, I know you mentioned about forgiveness... I don't think anytime soon for me I can forgive... it's more of being completely lied to, deceived, and played like a fool and having my heart torn out and served up to me like raw meat... I am working on just eliminating the history of him from my life and the issues within myself that derived from all of it.

 

- I am ALOT more confident now and feel more like myself pre-marriage.. starting to eat healthier (minus when people visit).. and I have been doing aqua therapy and aerobics which lets me start at a real gym again this coming week. I have tried to do Burpees on my own (crossfit jargon for jump up hands up, and then drop down for push up and do those reps over and over til you fall over) and I feel like I flailed like a bad bird... but now I am slowly better at it.

 

- I have also come to the conclusion that it's ok to have the different kind of "relationships"... men you date... and men you sleep with and don't date. I know.. I sound like a guy right now lol...But, some guys are very awesome to be around physically but horrible in dating. Trust is a big issue for me now obviously... but there are some great guys out there in the world and I need now think that every one of them is a lying arse.

 

I hope my update finds you all in great health... and hope you are well.

 

If some of you are reading this for the 1st time... go to page one..it is a LONG read but it shows you a journey...from pathetic... to better... back to pathetic.. then to alot better.. to hopeful. Whatever stage you are in.. whether it's the beginning.. the middle.. or just starting over... Have Hope. This feeling and this moment will not last forever.

[LifesontheUp]

MA,

 

You have come a long way. Keep enjoying your life and saving those animals. The rest will fall in place in time.

[No Limit]

Yeah, waywards tend to pick the "big prizes" from the dating pool. But I guess now your curiousity has been sated in that aspect.

[lgspot]

Hi Everyone! TY Trippi and Chew, I read what you said and it is so relevant thank you.

 

So... so much has happened since I last posted.. and I want to make a post now and then here to help others, encourage and to stay updated. I also have begun piecing this all together and writing a book... perhaps will self publish on Amazon or find a Book Agent... I actually have spoken with an author/friend and she said self publish is the way to go. Will see.

 

Ok first the Bad.. and Mediocre...

 

-July 4th will be 2 yrs to the day that the falling action of this bust of a marriage happened when I caught him looking for apartments "looking at my options". BITE ME, spotted pen@l @zzwipe! Thank you for the alimony and settlement though...please drive thru.

 

-I turned 38.... Auugghhhh!!!!! Still no fine lines or wrinkles so I thank my moisturizer.

 

- So remember we were all questioning "Who does that SUV belong to blah blah?" It is indeed his now LIVE IN GF. I guess she moved in maybe early Feb-ish or end of Jan? Not sure, don't really care when. How did I find out you ask... Hmmm... Funny story and I will tell you because I like to share... it's also just bloody entertaining and I want to make you spit out your glass of wine in giggles... I'm a giver in that way. :bunny:

 

So I was at my friend's Bday gathering at a drag queen restaurant/show (no.. the drag queen is not his new GF) and a ran into a former neighbor.. she walked up to me and told me she had passed my house and saw "me" on the side of the house in the yard with my Ex, and my yellow Lab and she wondered why on earth I would be there at the house and WITH HIM.

So she pulled into the driveway... and mind, you this lady is like 6'1, blonde, used to be a body builder back in the day, and she has one of those really big F150 super tall trucks. She got out of the truck to come say hi to "me" and my lab she loves so much... she came around the side of the house and said "Hey!" and then "I" turned around... she realized was NOT ME. She said "Oh.. my bad.. thought you were the other one".. and high tailed it out of there. You're laughing so far, right? I know I did... spit out some Margarita when I heard. She said this girl looks like me except darker, looks like a true Mexican with black hair (mine is red and I am fairer complected and Itali/Mex/American Descent, stay out of sun), and she looked like maybe 10-15 lbs thinner but same body shape and type minus a chest (cause I have one.. you heard it here first)... AND the yellow lab is what made her think especially was me.

 

So.. thoughts.. reactions?

 

She then went on to say that she never stopped by again but that my former direct next door neighbor to my old house told her that she is a full domestic, does not have a job and is there most of the time, used to be a waitress, and that they all (4 of the neighbors) had the same reaction (silently among themselves). Also mentioned that she is a homebody like him not that talkative.. and they rarely go out.

 

Honestly... it seems like a perfect match.. I really don't care, play on. Enjoy the spotted D--- honey! It only lasts 15 minutes.

 

I think what I do care about is that I, too, would like to find my own person... I have dated since we have last spoken on here... BUT... wasn't for me... handsome.. funny... But our value system and religious beliefs contradicted. I am actually not that religious.. but when someone demeans someone else for their faith (unless its Isis/Terrorism style)...such a huge turn off and dealbreaker. I told him straight up.. I honestly don't care about your soul.. and that probably makes me a horrible Christian... I am a shotty Christian but at least I am honest.. I am here to save animals.. not people.. but when you start making fun of what I believe or demeaning me because of it.. Oh.. it's on. I'm not here to shove religion down someone's path and expect the same in return or their lack of it. Then the person briefly after that... Ohh.. be still my heart...he was an Irish bloke... long long hair down to the top of his derriere...he liked Kilts, music, films and kind of a hot nerd. We had the best conversations.. he stayed out of the sun with me... great moments. So what was the dealbreaker here? Anti TV to the point he never wanted to own one or be in a vicinity of one...very.. "organic food only"... Athiest and serious about it, life as we know it is in reality a computer program and we are part of a simulation, we are not real...And my favorite...He occasionally likes to sleep in a coffin thats built for two (hint hint) when it is too sunny outside and he needs a nap.

 

So.. dating life.. has been eventful. I feel like Goldilocks but in dating... I think I should start my own reality show called The Dating Habits of Misadventure.

 

So the Good News..

 

- Well, have been swamped with family and Job stuff but since one of my jobs is ending soon due to owner retirement.. I have been lining up job possibilities at my main job for a better position.

 

- Saving Money

 

- My Dogs are amazing and still managing to save animals in spare time

 

- I really have no love lost for the ex in a very very long time. Chew, I know you mentioned about forgiveness... I don't think anytime soon for me I can forgive... it's more of being completely lied to, deceived, and played like a fool and having my heart torn out and served up to me like raw meat... I am working on just eliminating the history of him from my life and the issues within myself that derived from all of it.

 

- I am ALOT more confident now and feel more like myself pre-marriage.. starting to eat healthier (minus when people visit).. and I have been doing aqua therapy and aerobics which lets me start at a real gym again this coming week. I have tried to do Burpees on my own (crossfit jargon for jump up hands up, and then drop down for push up and do those reps over and over til you fall over) and I feel like I flailed like a bad bird... but now I am slowly better at it.

 

- I have also come to the conclusion that it's ok to have the different kind of "relationships"... men you date... and men you sleep with and don't date. I know.. I sound like a guy right now lol...But, some guys are very awesome to be around physically but horrible in dating. Trust is a big issue for me now obviously... but there are some great guys out there in the world and I need now think that every one of them is a lying arse.

 

I hope my update finds you all in great health... and hope you are well.

 

If some of you are reading this for the 1st time... go to page one..it is a LONG read but it shows you a journey...from pathetic... to better... back to pathetic.. then to alot better.. to hopeful. Whatever stage you are in.. whether it's the beginning.. the middle.. or just starting over... Have Hope. This feeling and this moment will not last forever.

MisA,

I think congratulations are in order.

YOU are doing just fine without "Pinto Penis."

Single life isn't always great, but sounds like you are negotiating it well.

Keep saving those doggies. They need you...

 

I would really like to read that book. You write well.

[trippi1432]

Oh Ms A...totally relate, my exH married my Doppleganger. Every time I dropped our son off and heard her on the treadmill in the garage, I wondered if he depicted his only love for her was to be stick thin. Then again, she's cheated on two husbands...like "gets" like. Put some years between you, and that really won't matter anymore.

 

Post-divorce is hard sometimes, you feel like you are one foot in and a big foot out. Let that other foot catch up and you'll be fine.

 

You have to define what YOU want. It's not about him or that life anymore. The best things happen when you aren't looking and it sort of jolts you out of your comfort zone. The worst thing you could ever do is define YOUR happiness on his duplication of what he held as material....and you don't need a replica of him (:sick:) Be flattered...he didn't "get" what he had. <--- that's okay and be better off for it.

 

When you truly get on the other side, this will only be one path in your life. You have so many to choose from, base those choices on you and you alone. Hugs!!

[I4givehim]

I lurked here for a day or two, I guess trying to understand different things...but I really do need help here to grasp things, to try and understand, and an attempt to know what to do next. I apologize in advance for the wall-o-text but I implore you to read and lend your opinion.

 

My husband left me a month ago. For me, it was out of nowhere..he said "ILYBINILWU".. Been together eight years, married five just about..he has been the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, my partner...or so I thought.

 

I had walked in on him looking at apts online.. I talked to him about it later when I had a moment to cool down, and he said he was "looking at his options"..then he gave me that line, and saying that he needed butterflies. The next morning, he grabbed many of his things and left, going to stay with his best friend (and his wife and kids) an hour away. Three days later he removed me from our bank account and credit cards, and didn't even have the decency to tell me. I was on my way to get dog food when I had found out when the card didn't work.

 

Four days before this, we had an amazing intimate weekend, where he had told me how much he loved me, and also we had been trying to have a baby for a couple years now.

 

Back in early 2010 I was diagnosed with some minor medical and then I was in a car accident, and for a while my libido was at a low. On average, once a week we were intimate and he felt that this represented my overall love and desire..basically, his affection to me has mainly always been expressed through the bedroom, not so much outside it except light kisses here and there or hand holding (but he has never been into PDA)..he had announced to me then that "he didn't know what love was" (which struck me hard and I even contemplated for a brief moment several sleeping pills BUT I did not). ..and he went away to his friends (same friend) for the weekend..leaving me hurt, confused, shocked..he returned and we went to counseling maybe about 5-6 times total..in that, he explained his concern if I really wanted a baby or not..and that I had taken away his source of affection (basically once weekly maybe more)..I was put on an anti-depressant for situational depression and side effect was libido. More sex, more affection to him, it seemed like a magic wand that fixed things. Over a few months after that, I tapered off the meds but maintained to try and be more intimate regardless if I felt like it. The counselor for us had explained that our marriage was young and needed to be nurtured and it was no longer that honeymoon stage and that there was different levels of that same love (which I KNEW this) and also healthy ways to discuss disagreements or what we are thinking that is a conflict.

 

So for years everything seemed fine. I work PT from home and my free time was helping a non-profit and he was the breadwinner. During our marriage, he achieved his Masters degree and a better job and was still going to classes. I do have my degree, but we had both communicated early on to maintain this PT job so when we have a child.

 

Back this April, a job opening FT came up about an hour and a half away that he really wanted me to take due to my work with Non-profit. I did apply and send my resume but he felt I sabotaged my resume by not writing it the way he wanted in some way, which I did not. I guess this has been on his mind and he did not communicate this with me for a long time and resented me for it.

 

In June, he went away for a week for a work seminar a couple hours away. He did not really contact me. If I didn't call him or text him to call me when he was done, he probably would not have called me. One night, he didn't actually, saying he fell asleep. It was in this time, I found out he CHANGED his password for his facebook and his email account where as before we knew each other's passwords.

 

He came back that weekend, and we had a good night.. and then the next day, I asked him as to why he was distant..and I basically wanted to know if we were on the same page...did he still want me to just do the PT home thing and work on having a family or what did he want. He said yes.

 

Shortly after, a mutual family friend of both of ours on FB messaged me saying that he had called her brother looking for an "interesting perspective" (he is married and has a baby, and one on the way) and she thought something was wrong... so even though it was 11 at night, I went and talked to him in bed and asked him what was wrong and should I be worried.

 

He said he just didn't care about things right now (this was back in mid-June) and that he was going to look for a psychologist. After that, we still continued to sleep together, he still continued to tell me how he loved me...but many times he was friendly to his friends on the phone but didn't really communicate with me about work, stuff, thoughts, feelings...

 

The day I caught him looking at apts, he confessed to already having seen a psychologist. Then he gave me "the line" talked about wanting butterflies..He couldn't even LOOK at me..he was cold..almost emotionless...he held me that night in bed, caressing and sleeping. The next morning he left.

 

I had never felt my whole being fall apart before, and this was it. The man I loved with all my heart, had just pulled apart my world, my heart, our future.

 

So I did what I guess you are not supposed to do.. I emailed him that day.. I wrote a long email wanting a chance..fighting for our marriage..I asked him to look at our albums online together and think about what he was potentially doing, throwing away all our years together like garbage..he did not respond.

 

So I broke down, I couldn't get out of bed for days, couldn't eat..if it wasn't for the dogs I don't know if I would have gotten out of bed at all. Two days later my family came and got me to come over for a bit and try to make me eat something..when I was gone, he had come and taken more clothes and all financial info.. I didn't realize this until the next day because I was going to go to the bank and scour over what has been spent the last several months.

 

I called him and asked if he had been here and he said yes..we talked briefly, he said he had read the email..wasn't going to reply..wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I hung up and broke down...my life was really falling apart and this man I love so much was throwing me away and our life together and I don't even know why.

 

So I emailed again...and nothing back. The next morning is when he took me off the bank account and credit cards. I had thought it was joint all this time but I guess I was just the authorized user. I called and called and he did not respond. He texted "what???" I told him to call me... he said in text "I will email in min.."

 

Seriously?? Effing coward.

 

I told him in text if there had been love at all in eight years he needed to call me.. he did... and I asked him what was going on.."what do you think?"...He then said I needed to get my own account now, and I said with "what money you took it all, even my last paycheck just went in"..."I will think about putting $200 in for you when you get a new acct"..I asked him why he was doing this, how could he do this, why was he throwing our little family away like trash, that I loved him and I don't understand....I got nothing in return.

 

Two days later he called pissed...autopays for two bills under my name went to our marital acct on the day he removed me.."what are you trying to do, hurt me? I am able to have fun right now because I don't love you...you just hit the last nail on the coffin."

 

Day after I guess he went for a 30 minute consultation to a divorce lawyer and he called me angry..."So, what are you going to do? you going to leave the house now? start packing..You doing to do this the hard way with lawyers?? ...I wasted my 20's on you"....All I could do was cry about all this and I hung up.

 

Since then he has been here twice to get clothes, his pc..and its just been cold and emotionless from him..not a flicker of any emotion at all. He really seems to not care what he has done to me or destroyed me. This is the first week I have been able to eat and hold down food, its week 4.

 

He has emailed me twice, once the beginning of this week formally in email saying "Its been a month since I removed myself from the situation and its betters for both of us if we divorce. Since you cannot afford the house, I assume you are preparing to move"...

 

I responded emotionally of course..like how could he do this.. he was not sorry for any of it, and what lies is he telling himself and his friends he is staying with to justify in his head or to others what he is doing. He responded by coming over...in which I tried to ignore him..but then, something switched..and I purged what I was feeling.. how cold he was..how he could be so emotionless when throwing away our years together, our family, having no regard that he blindsided, pulling the rug from under me and ripping my future from me and really just emotionally destroying me...and nothing from him. Just stared at me.

 

One email after that happened, same cold email, but basically saying that the difference is that his pain happened already and how would I like to proceed with the house.. is it lawyers or what..

 

So thats where I am now basically...hanging on by a thread.

 

I am still in shock I think...my life as I know it is going to end..all the love, all my heart...just gutted.

 

I don't know where to go from here....my parents want to hire the best lawyer to take him to the cleaners for what he has done. They think he has someone on the side..either it just started right before he left..or he has had someone for a couple months. I don't have any proof of this at all, and it hurts to even think of it...but he isn't wearing his ring and that was on day 3 of him leaving...he just doesn't care at all, does he..of even what it is doing to me...I can't sleep...I can barely eat...

 

I know many of you have gone through so much...can you please help me somehow....sometimes the pain is so excruciating I have to go and take a walk because it just consumes me...and meanwhile...he feels nothing and is having a grand ole time, and I am not even a thought.

 

It's time for you to get mad.... Stand up for yourself. Let mom and dad get you the best lawyer in town. Your STBXH is taking everything as you lay on the couch. FIGHT BACK. That money is half your's. I once read a man never leaves unless he has a women to go to..... It's time for you to stop thinking things are going to get better. Things will get a lot worse before they get better. Go get him..... Stop letting him step on you.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hey MisA, I haven't checked in for a while but I was glad to see your updates. Sounds like you have been busy healing and moving on. I, for one, am very proud of you. There is an accomplishment in trying to live your best life, to getting back up and dusting yourself off and being open to finding love even after betrayal. There is nothing wrong with going at your own pace in relationships, trying to figure out what you want and really standing up for your beliefs. Looking back, I'm sure the signs were all there that this wasn't the life you have always wanted. Looking forward, I'm sure you are seeing opportunity and challenge in equal parts and that is ok. The main thing is that you are open hearted and being exactly who you are.

I'm happy for you...you sound like you are still full of spit and vinegar and some man is really going to appreciate your humor and your caregiving abilities one day.

Best to you,

Grumps

[Misadventure]

It's time for you to get mad.... Stand up for yourself....

 

Heya I4, took a bit but I did.. and I did alot of that. I let the rage take over for a bit.. My Mom mentions that I am like the vulgar person in the family now lol. I am ok.. now. Took time but I did it. TY THO!

 

MisA,

I think congratulations are in order.

YOU are doing just fine without "Pinto Penis."

Single life isn't always great, but sounds like you are negotiating it well.

Keep saving those doggies. They need you...

 

I would really like to read that book. You write well.

 

Honestly, the best advice came from all of you here. I talked to friends, family, therapist.. and therapist was good also.. but you all KNOW the process personally.. felt it.. been there, done it, and came out of the tunnel. You told me from the beginning the things I needed to do. Some I needed to see for myself because I was in denial.. and some I needed to do. I am definitely writing it from start to finish and will look at it as therapy too. I do not miss Pinto Penis... not even close... but I do miss sharing moments with someone. It's hard when all my friends have someone and I am the odd man out. It was hardest in the beginning but I am better about it now. I also remind myself that while they sample the same menu day in day out...They can put all the strawberries and whipped cream on it but it is still the same menu.. and I never know what my next meal will be. I like that. I think the one thing I will have to master is etiquette in certain situations... I really don't want to be in a pinto penis situation again lol. There is no graceful way of backing out sometimes at least for that night.... "I have to go, there is a Wizard at my house!"

 

And I will still continue saving doggies. They have my heart and revived it.

 

Oh Ms A...totally relate, my exH married my Doppleganger. Every time I dropped our son off and heard her on the treadmill in the garage, I wondered if he depicted his only love for her was to be stick thin. Then again, she's cheated on two husbands...like "gets" like. Put some years between you, and that really won't matter anymore.

 

Post-divorce is hard sometimes, you feel like you are one foot in and a big foot out. Let that other foot catch up and you'll be fine.

 

You have to define what YOU want. It's not about him or that life anymore. The best things happen when you aren't looking and it sort of jolts you out of your comfort zone. The worst thing you could ever do is define YOUR happiness on his duplication of what he held as material....and you don't need a replica of him (:sick:) Be flattered...he didn't "get" what he had. <--- that's okay and be better off for it.

 

When you truly get on the other side, this will only be one path in your life. You have so many to choose from, base those choices on you and you alone. Hugs!!

 

One foot in, one foot out- Exactly! I want to truly be on the other side and be past it. July 4th is the day when all this started 2 yrs ago.. and when I realized it.. it scared me. It doesn't seem like 2 yrs ago. Maybe because the whole process was a yr and half long. I will get there.

 

Hey MisA, I haven't checked in for a while but I was glad to see your updates. Sounds like you have been busy healing and moving on. I, for one, am very proud of you. There is an accomplishment in trying to live your best life, to getting back up and dusting yourself off and being open to finding love even after betrayal. There is nothing wrong with going at your own pace in relationships, trying to figure out what you want and really standing up for your beliefs. Looking back, I'm sure the signs were all there that this wasn't the life you have always wanted. Looking forward, I'm sure you are seeing opportunity and challenge in equal parts and that is ok. The main thing is that you are open hearted and being exactly who you are.

I'm happy for you...you sound like you are still full of spit and vinegar and some man is really going to appreciate your humor and your caregiving abilities one day.

Best to you,

Grumps

 

 

Grumps lol. TY! You have lent me so many kind words to help when I needed. TY! I think sometimes I feel I should focus on career, dogs, and just me. Then I remind myself I will miss out on kids and possibly love. I'm just not as nice or naive as I used to be before marriage or even during and somewhat after.

 

Example.. I just met this really handsome nice Lawyer (I know...I kinda backed off for slight moment).. he speaks several languages like myself.. divorced, 2 kids..loves politics like myself..love Rock.. GLAM ROCK.. which threw me and I loved it cause I love Glam Rock (men in leather, eye liner... my heart be still).. and he seems so... clean cut. But he has this dark side. I LIKE! We met at the store actually.. I am going on a cleanse this week and needed to get some Coconut water, I bought like 5 big bottles. He was behind me in line, got curious.. we talked.. he asked for my number..walked me to my car..and oddly, called me the same night. Asked to hang out sometime...

 

So..and this is the complete fearful me.. I said .. "Well, listen.. before we get any invested in this.. I need to let you know who I am and who I'm not. I'm not the chick who will promise to clean house daily, dishes, pop out 5 kids, go to weekly mass.. you won't find me in the garden in Florida heat, that's insane. If I do sunshine it's with SPF50 and limited as I will probably melt but occasionally I'll make an appearance. If you ask me to cook pork or red meat products, most likely they will be burned because I was a vegetarian for 12 yrs and I still will not cook red meat... BUT.. I am that girl who will chat about anything from politics to sci-fi to film to music to really nerdy crap that I pretend not to know... and I have alot to offer, I'm just not like most other women.. I won't cry over babies.. and I will save a dog before a human".

 

He laughed and said if we could start with a drink first lol.

 

Needless to say, I guess I am just defensive and wanted to put it out there of what NOT to expect.

[Grumpybutfun]

MisA: :lmao:

 

You do you anyway you need to...the right man will help you to see that is enough. Remember, men you meet aren't your ex spotted dik. Time to look forward with joy and hope in your heart, not in the past with fear that they might be like pinto penis. You are a good woman and like draws to like...your ex showed you that it also repelled unlike. I'm glad you are moving on.

 

It is time.

 

Best,

Grumps

[lgspot]

MisA,

Just remember this:

 

 

-----------------What do you do?

You're trapped in a room with a an angry lion, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.

 

You have a gun with two bullets.

 

What should you do?

 

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

[Misadventure]

MisA,

Just remember this:

 

 

-----------------What do you do?

You're trapped in a room with a an angry lion, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.

 

You have a gun with two bullets.

 

What should you do?

 

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

 

 

lol I was going to say, shoot the lawyer and let the Lion and Rattlesnake do their job heh. Once distracted, I could make my escape!

[chew123]

MisA,

 

Sounds like you are doing really well. I like the full disclosure you gave the potential suitor. lol It might scare some people away but I would find it endearing.

 

Funny as I prepare to date, not really their yet and I think my current friend and I are going to end up friends only for various reasons I have done some reading on the topic since I haven't dated in 35 years.

 

Most of the stuff that I read sounds like people are all playing games. How to behave, how not to behave. How to avoid the friendzone. When to push for sex, don't do it too soon don't wait too long. When to call , when to text, .... blah blah blah.

 

My plan is to live my life and get involved in activities that I want to be involved in. And above all be myself and be radically honest. . If and when I do meet somebody I will of course be respectful and put out some effort. However I am going to be myself. Text when I want to , call when I want to. No games. No half truths or lies. Based on what I read i will be alone forever if I do this but so be it. lol

 

Good luck in your search for someone worthy of you. Don't settle.

[lgspot]

 

Example.. I just met this really handsome """nice Lawyer"""

 

Needless to say, I guess I am just defensive and wanted to put it out there of what NOT to expect.

Oh no, no, no MisA. In the dating world, the words "nice" and "Lawyer"

should not be used in the same sentence........

Question: How do you save a drowning lawyer?

Answer: Stand back and wait for the ocean to evaporate....

[Misadventure]

Hi guys!!! Happy New Year! here is looking to a new and good 2016!

 

Some updates: The most important... my sweet yellow lab has cancer, she was diagnosed on the 23rd. She is having surgery on Thursday, her toe and 2 other tumors will be removed. They will be looked at to see how bad the cancer is and we will go from there.

 

Education: Even though I have my degree I am back in college refreshing myself and also taking other courses.

 

Jobs: Still at the same one but taking more hours and I have had ALOT of interviews but either they low ball or don't offer. I have one this upcoming week... fingers crossed.

 

Men: Eh.... I actually am not even motivated. On one hand I am pissed that the ex is able to be happy and moved on easily and I have a "block" that I cannot..but I pretty much figured out that the same cycle will befall itself with him and bottom line- I don't need to think or concern myself with him ever again, who cares about his life.

 

Paying it forward: Last night I went to a Divorce support grp (make new friends meet new people, move on, etc) and I was able to help some people who it "just" happened to and they are at ground zero. I remember those feelings, and that black cave I was in. I was able to help others.

 

So no idea what's next except getting my sweet girl healthy and creating a better life for me...

 

MisA,

 

Sounds like you are doing really well. I like the full disclosure you gave the potential suitor. lol It might scare some people away but I would find it endearing.

 

Funny as I prepare to date, not really their yet and I think my current friend and I are going to end up friends only for various reasons I have done some reading on the topic since I haven't dated in 35 years.

 

Most of the stuff that I read sounds like people are all playing games. How to behave, how not to behave. How to avoid the friendzone. When to push for sex, don't do it too soon don't wait too long. When to call , when to text, .... blah blah blah.

 

My plan is to live my life and get involved in activities that I want to be involved in. And above all be myself and be radically honest. . If and when I do meet somebody I will of course be respectful and put out some effort. However I am going to be myself. Text when I want to , call when I want to. No games. No half truths or lies. Based on what I read i will be alone forever if I do this but so be it. lol

 

Good luck in your search for someone worthy of you. Don't settle.

 

I think because I won't settle ever again.... that I have a "block" and basically bail now at the first sight of something I don't like lol.

 

The only person in several months I really truly liked was someone who has brain cancer... and my friend made me realize... would I really like him so much if he did not have brain cancer and there wasn't an expiration date... made me think... and I couldn't answer yes. I am still his friend though.

 

Oh no, no, no MisA. In the dating world, the words "nice" and "Lawyer"

should not be used in the same sentence........

Question: How do you save a drowning lawyer?

Answer: Stand back and wait for the ocean to evaporate....

 

LOL good point!

 

I hope you are all doing well.

 

 

To all those just joining in and reading.... no matter what stage you are in.. it does get better. Look at my 1st page.. I was a rock bottom mess.

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.