Here goes

[RightThere]

Well, I have to laugh.

 

My STBXW took our daughter starting Thurs night for the weekend. I guess both Thurs and Fri night she did not get to sleep until very late. She wasn't crying or wanting to come home, just a lot of energy because of the changes. Sounds like it totally burned out my STBXW and her new man. So Saturday she was hinting at letting my daughter stay at home just for the night. Not because my daughter needed it, but because my STBXW needed it.

 

I gave her a really hard time about it, but I had no problem with my daughter home for the night. And I got her to sleep in no time flat. My STBXW wanted to pick her up around noon on Sunday, which was fine with me. So my daughter and I went out and did some daddy/daughter stuff. Kept getting texts from the STBXW "Where are you" and "Are you on your way home soon" well before the agreed time of noon. Just ignored it for the most part (because my phone was locked away).

 

She's slowly realizing (hopefully) that the world doesn't revolve around her and I'm going to be making very little effort to accommodate all the changes she wants to make to other people's schedules.

 

Overall, I'm doing OK. A bit lonely in the place, but constantly thinking of stuff to do to keep myself occupied.

 

Mediator tomorrow.

[RightThere]

Rough couple of days.

 

Had our first mediation meeting. Everything child and family related was a breeze. Splitting of the assets got me worked up as I'm leaving a lot on the table just so I don't have to fight in court. Talked to the STBXW about it after and said I didn't think the initial assessment was very fair. She agreed and is willing to negotiate, but my hard to say what that actually means.

 

Yesterday was tough because I was at an event. Had the same event last year at this time and I spent part of the day remembering back to where I was at 12 months ago. Although it was still an illusion to what I thought I had, it is still hard. I remember specifically sending my STBXW a really nice message letting her know how special she was to me.

 

All I got in return was continued lies and betrayal. When I got home, she was dropping off our daughter and I told her to wait a minute. I gave her back a few gifts she had bought me over the past year. I know now that they were purchased while she was out at events with some of these other guys. I think I was actually expecting a tiny bit of remorse from her, but nothing.

 

Still struggling to process who this person is now to me after so many years of thinking she was someone else.

 

Decided I needed to do something out of my comfort zone. I signed up for a charity bike ride (200 miles) this summer. No group or team. Just signed up as an individual hoping to maybe meet some new people and have an experience.

[dumped2013]

Dude, 1 week before my divorce was final the ex said, "I think I'm getting screwed with the settlement." I just told her if she is not happy with it hire your own high dollar lawyer and we will drag this out for over a year. She shut up and I got the decree in the mail later on that week. Could have been ugly.

[RightThere]

So my STBXW and I do communicate about out daughter quite regular. Especially because her new man is in the picture.

 

I told her yesterday that my daughter had mentioned she wanted to do something with mom and day "but not (new guy)". I asked her how come, but she didn't have much to add after that.

 

So today she was supposed to stay with my STBXW, but I got the request that she stays with me and we slow way down the introduction to new guy. I guess his tone a few times to my daughter got my STBXW's back up a bit.

 

Good news for me in that I get more time with my daughter. More good news in that my STBXW recognized the situation and tried to correct it. Bad news in that I still have teeny tiny feelings for her way deep down. But I'm working on removing those still.

[dumped2013]

I still have feelings deep down for the ex but every time my mind goes that way I switch back to all the negatives and lying she did and the feelings shut right down.

[RightThere]

I still have feelings deep down for the ex but every time my mind goes that way I switch back to all the negatives and lying she did and the feelings shut right down.

 

I think that's where I'm at as well. It doesn't take long before I remember all the lies and affairs and think I don't deserve that. It's my heart that finds that tiny spot deep down, but it's my head that brings me back to reality.

 

Kind of an amazing thing I've come to realize that the head and the heart cannot ever be in true sync or want the exact same thing.

[RightThere]

Well that didn't last long.

 

We completed just over a week of the "one week on, one week off" arrangement with out daughter. Obviously I've thought introducing my STBXW's new guy so soon was a terrible idea, but it turns out my STBXW woke up to that idea as well. Not sure exactly what happened, but I do know new guy snapped at my daughter a couple of times and she's struggled while at their place sleeping.

 

So on the weekend my STBXW told me she's going to get her own place, our daughter will stay with me until that happens, and everything else is up in the air. I guess my STBXW notified her new man that they won't be moving in together right away (because my daughter needs the transition time). He obviously thinks that I'm planting these thoughts in my daughter's head and purposely making her struggle. Quite the class act this clown is.

 

I ever said to my STBXW on the weekend "So is this the beginning of the end for you two?" Instead of saying "Of course not" she said "I don't know what the future will hold."

 

I straight up said "Well I do." The one plus side to getting divorced, is I say whatever I think or want to now to my STBXW.

[TheBladeRunner]

Wow RT, what road you have had to travel. Glad the witch is keeping your daughter away from prince charming; at least she's smart enough to realize it's a bad idea. I must say that I lucked out in that my now XW has taken up with a decent guy. I'll never agree with what she did, but her being with a nice guy is all I can ask for at this point. You sound like me, a truly devoted dad.

 

I spent the last two hours reading over primarily what you wrote and I realized that I hit my one year out of the house mark right when you had your DDay. It has caused me to reflect quite a bit regarding my own situation, but I won't talk about that here. All your worries like your finances, the divorce, and most important your daughter will all work out somehow. I feel I can get away with saying this because you seem like not only a "stand up" guy, but a tough one as well.

 

Throughout the "D" process I have realized one thing: "It will never go the way I want, but eventually it will go my way".........and it has for the most part. It will for you too I bet, something just tells me.

 

A year from now you'll be in a better spot than you know; I know a year after my disaster I was in a better place. You'll be way better off now and in the long run than she'll be. Why do I think this? Easy! You spend time working on yourself and you seem to have your priorities in order.......she seems like she has NO clue and is only focusing on being selfish. You are not alone my friend, mine is the same way (selfish, selfish, selfish).

 

Just keep doing what you are doing by being on top of things and don't feel sorry for her, she made her bed, now it's time to say goodnight!

 

Take care!

[RightThere]

Wow RT, what road you have had to travel. Glad the witch is keeping your daughter away from prince charming; at least she's smart enough to realize it's a bad idea. I must say that I lucked out in that my now XW has taken up with a decent guy. I'll never agree with what she did, but her being with a nice guy is all I can ask for at this point. You sound like me, a truly devoted dad.

 

I spent the last two hours reading over primarily what you wrote and I realized that I hit my one year out of the house mark right when you had your DDay. It has caused me to reflect quite a bit regarding my own situation, but I won't talk about that here. All your worries like your finances, the divorce, and most important your daughter will all work out somehow. I feel I can get away with saying this because you seem like not only a "stand up" guy, but a tough one as well.

 

Throughout the "D" process I have realized one thing: "It will never go the way I want, but eventually it will go my way".........and it has for the most part. It will for you too I bet, something just tells me.

 

A year from now you'll be in a better spot than you know; I know a year after my disaster I was in a better place. You'll be way better off now and in the long run than she'll be. Why do I think this? Easy! You spend time working on yourself and you seem to have your priorities in order.......she seems like she has NO clue and is only focusing on being selfish. You are not alone my friend, mine is the same way (selfish, selfish, selfish).

 

Just keep doing what you are doing by being on top of things and don't feel sorry for her, she made her bed, now it's time to say goodnight!

 

Take care!

 

Appreciate the positive words. I can say even since my D-Day, I feel like I am in a way better place than I have been for a long time. My STBXW was an energy sucker and I found myself constantly drained after putting so much effort into trying to make her happy. Now that I've (mostly) let her go, I feel like I have so much positive energy back and my life is going to be so much better for it.

 

And yeah, all that positive energy is now for my daughter. I can't control everything, but I can control my time with her and making her feel safe.

[RightThere]

What a flake.

 

It didn't take long, but my STBXW has flip flopped again and will be keeping our daughter at her new man's place during her upcoming week. She came over last night to spend some time with our daughter and didn't feel "welcomed" enough by me. So after 30 minutes, she was ready to ditch and go back home ALONE because it was all too hard.

 

I told her not to leave because our daughter had been looking forward to spending time with her and that I would disappear for the evening. But I also told her I wasn't going to beg her to let our daughter stay at my place versus going back to her place with her new man. I told my STBXW she was a big girl and needed to make these decisions on her own.

 

It's a constant pity party of "everything is so hard for me". It's going to take much longer than I want while my STBXW keeps flaking in and out, but I told her I'm not going to bend over backwards to accommodate her nonsense.

 

I'm sure her and her new man had a long talk about what an awful person I am. The irony is so thick.

[TheBladeRunner]

Ooooh! One other piece of advice: This is ALL your fault, YOU are the bad guy, and you owe her. Just accept it, this is on you........at least in her mind. I went through the same "this is so hard" BS; the way I see it, mine made her bed, now she can lay in it!

[RightThere]

Ooooh! One other piece of advice: This is ALL your fault, YOU are the bad guy, and you owe her. Just accept it, this is on you........at least in her mind. I went through the same "this is so hard" BS; the way I see it, mine made her bed, now she can lay in it!

 

Yeah. I've accepted my faults during our marriage and how it did not help our situation. But now she's got what she wants. We're getting divorced. Half of everything is hers. She's moved in with the "love of her life".

 

And somehow everything and her unhappiness is still my fault. I'm almost a little surprised at myself and how I've moved on and accepted that my own happiness is my own responsibility. She's been planning her exit from our relationship for years, but somehow doesn't seem to want to let go of the fact that her happiness is my responsibility.

 

I'm totally with you. This is the bed she made. If she doesn't like it, start the pity party parade.

[dumped2013]

Dude, just love your daughter. She will realize as she grows up who really cares about her.

[RightThere]

So we got a good dump of snow today. My parents look after our daughter one day a week and they recently bought her a sled in anticipation of snow.

 

So I sent a message to my STBXW asking if she had grabbed the sled yesterday when she picked up our daughter. She said "Your mom wanted to keep the sled at her place and not come with me."

 

I said "Eff that. I'm going to pick it up." As soon as I get to my parents and say I'm here to pick up the sled, my mom says to me "Oooo your daughter wanted to take it yesterday but STBXW said she was already hauling too much stuff between the houses."

 

I didn't bother to relay to either of them what the other had said, but it is taking everything in my power right now not to message back my STBXW and say "Why are to you such a chronic liar?"

 

It really pisses me off because when I got to daycare to drop off the sled, my daughter was sitting there waiting because she was so excited to try out her new sled. It just made me think that if I didn't coordinate this, she would have missed out. And my STBXW is so petty that she would have denied my daughter that fun for reasons beyond me.

 

I guess just another eye opening moment of who the person I married really is now.

[beach]

She gives evidence that she only thinks of herself.

 

I'd text her with a statement not a question:

 

"Your lies make you unbelievable".

[RightThere]

I'd text her with a statement not a question:

 

"Your lies make you unbelievable".

 

I want to so badly, but I keep thinking "What purpose will that serve?"

 

Will she change or be remorseful? Not a chance.

 

Will it probably make my life more difficult dealing with her through the separation and our daughter? Highly likely.

 

I think I'll be able to get a signed separation agreement by the end of January (95% of it is drafted and agreed to). I think I'll just stick this one in the memory bank until that is done.

[TheBladeRunner]

I want to so badly, but I keep thinking "What purpose will that serve?"

 

Will she change or be remorseful? Not a chance.

 

Will it probably make my life more difficult dealing with her through the separation and our daughter? Highly likely.

 

I think I'll be able to get a signed separation agreement by the end of January (95% of it is drafted and agreed to). I think I'll just stick this one in the memory bank until that is done.

 

It would serve no purpose, she'll never "cop" to what she did so of course she'll make it more difficult. Good call RT, don't engage. How are you holding up with the holidays BTW? Hope you are OK, next year will be better....it is for me this year .

[RightThere]

It would serve no purpose, she'll never "cop" to what she did so of course she'll make it more difficult. Good call RT, don't engage. How are you holding up with the holidays BTW? Hope you are OK, next year will be better....it is for me this year .

 

I go up and down, but I'm finding way more up than down.

 

I'm actually quote proud of myself and how well I'm recovering from all of this. Three months ago I was so low and thinking I was really going to struggle being on my own. Now I'm awakened to not only the great parts about me that almost got killed off by the STBXW, but all the fantastic pieces I've picked up along the way that I can add to myself.

 

This past year was definitely the worst on record for me. But it's not as though I'm looking back at it thinking I can't wait to bury it and forget about it. I'm embracing everything that happened and remembering so I learn many valuable lessons from it.

 

Next year I know is going to be great. I have no idea why, but I have not been this optimistic in a long time. And I owe this forum a lot. This has been better therapy than anything else I've found.

 

Thanks TBR. Good to know I've got brothers who have gone through this and come out better than ever.

[RightThere]

Here's a question I have. I still have all my STBXW's passwords to email, facebook, etc. I think she knows this, but not sure if she really realizes it.

 

It's been great for continuing to get intel (information is power) but when or do I tell her she should change them so I can't get in anymore? After the signed separation agreement? After the divorce is final a year from now? Never?

[dumped2013]

I have been snooping on the exw on Facebook ( we are not friends and she has everything blocked) it always sets me back. I am being such a dips..t. Screws with my head everytime. Her Italian boys commenting on all her posts. Thinking back FB was her life and still is. My new name for her is the FB ho.

[TheBladeRunner]

Here's a question I have. I still have all my STBXW's passwords to email, facebook, etc. I think she knows this, but not sure if she really realizes it.

 

It's been great for continuing to get intel (information is power) but when or do I tell her she should change them so I can't get in anymore? After the signed separation agreement? After the divorce is final a year from now? Never?

 

Funny.....it was at this time last year I unfriended mine from FB.....I didn't wanna' know what she was up to. I just couldn't take it. Never had her passwords to any of her accounts.

[RightThere]

Came close to blocking my STBXW from Facebook all together.

 

She posted about how she was about to go for a run and how cold it was. So then her loser boyfriend posts "You can do it baby!!"

 

We're still able to see each other on Facebook because we share pictures and video of our daughter. But that lovey dovey crap really bothered me. I wanted to send her a message saying either her boyfriend needs to just STFU on Facebook or I would just block her for my own sake.

 

Didn't end up sending it. Instead I pulled down one of our pictures off the wall and ripped it to shreds. Felt quite good after. And I'll probably still send her something if she wants to continue being in contact on Facebook.

[TheBladeRunner]

Came close to blocking my STBXW from Facebook all together.

 

She posted about how she was about to go for a run and how cold it was. So then her loser boyfriend posts "You can do it baby!!"

 

We're still able to see each other on Facebook because we share pictures and video of our daughter. But that lovey dovey crap really bothered me. I wanted to send her a message saying either her boyfriend needs to just STFU on Facebook or I would just block her for my own sake.

 

Didn't end up sending it. Instead I pulled down one of our pictures off the wall and ripped it to shreds. Felt quite good after. And I'll probably still send her something if she wants to continue being in contact on Facebook.

 

Hey RT.....the comment in the title ended it all for me with FB. At the time she was the STBXW and it was right around this time last year. She posted pics on FB and some guy commented "Sooooo Cute!". That guy was the loser that she went out with before me 11 years earlier. The same loser that had her locked up, cheated on her, and abused. I looked at the cell phone records and saw she had been talking with him every day for quite sometime. This guy was so bad the family said she would have dire consequences if she stayed with him at the time. I was so mad that I decided at that point I was just done with it all.

 

"86" the STBXW from FB........you'll be glad you did. You don't wanna' know what she is doing, you'll find out through the grapevine anyway. It was a liberating feeling for me; if you do it, let me know how it makes you feel.

[RightThere]

Hey RT.....the comment in the title ended it all for me with FB. At the time she was the STBXW and it was right around this time last year. She posted pics on FB and some guy commented "Sooooo Cute!". That guy was the loser that she went out with before me 11 years earlier. The same loser that had her locked up, cheated on her, and abused. I looked at the cell phone records and saw she had been talking with him every day for quite sometime. This guy was so bad the family said she would have dire consequences if she stayed with him at the time. I was so mad that I decided at that point I was just done with it all.

 

"86" the STBXW from FB........you'll be glad you did. You don't wanna' know what she is doing, you'll find out through the grapevine anyway. It was a liberating feeling for me; if you do it, let me know how it makes you feel.

 

I sent her the message anyways saying I don't want her little douche bag commenting on any of her stuff anymore. Eventually I will block her completely. For right now I think he'll stay away. We use FB just as a medium to share pictures of our daughter, but I know eventually I will just send her the pictures and ignore her life drama.

 

She tells me her family all know about her new boyfriend, but I have my doubts. Frankly I just believe everything she tells me now is a lie. Still living in her fog and self pity. The effort level not to constantly call her out on her BS wears me out, but getting better at not giving a ratsass.

[oldshirt]

Here's a question I have. I still have all my STBXW's passwords to email, facebook, etc. I think she knows this, but not sure if she really realizes it.

 

It's been great for continuing to get intel (information is power) but when or do I tell her she should change them so I can't get in anymore? After the signed separation agreement? After the divorce is final a year from now? Never?

 

I don't even pretend to be an angel or a goody two shoes. Keep the passwords indefinitely. You may need the Intel and the evidence if she ever tries to take your daughter or screw you out of something or do something illegal or dangerous.

 

Other than that I would consider unfriending her but not blocking. There is no need to see her BF s flirts and banter and in time you will start going your and dating and you won't want her getting into your businesses either.