Lei Ping Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I hear you all about the name calling. There is NO question that it's abusive. But guys, most of the time he's a very loving man. Last night I brought home some work that I had to have finished by this morning. It was tedious, mechanical work entering tons of data on a spreadsheet... the least glamorous part of my job. After dinner, I was so exhausted that despite my best intentions to finish that work, I had to go sleep. He spent the next 5 hours, until 1:30 am, doing my stupid spreadsheet so I would have it for this morning's meeting. I agree that it doesn't excuse what he's done, but I do honestly believe he loves me. When we've fought in the past, he always says that I don't understand the way in which he shows his love for me. I believe that's true to some degree. I'm not going to tolerate any more of that abusive behavior, and I am prepared to walk away if it perpetuates. But, I also believe that this relationship is worth fighting for and attempting to repair. We'll see how things go during tomorrow's counseling appointment. I'll report back This post says a mouthful. You guys are already married and don't know it. Fly out to Las Vegas, see Elvis and get the hard part over with. Quick, before the Baby comes. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I was involved in a verbally abusive relationship when I was very young. Eventually it turned physical. Arabella - you are making way too many excuses for this guy's childish crap behavior. I get sad when I read what some women will put up with and accept in their lives. This goes for Pink Sugar and Smoochirific, too. I mean, it's almost like you're dating little boys with the emotional capacity of a 10-year-old. Since that emotionally/verbally abusive relationship I escaped from, there is no way in HELL I would ever ever ever let another man call me names, put me down, flip the script, make me feel crazy, or belittle me simply because I have basic needs in a relationship - healthy communication being one of them. I am just rather shocked that you would discover that he's completely misrepresented himself to you, agree to have his baby out of wedlock afterward and then accept THIS on top of all of it. You seem so much, SMARTER than that. What's done is done - but this is just crazy. And I feel badly for the child being brought into this insanity, too. I'm not trying to judge you harshly - I just think you are selling yourself WAY short in this game called life. It's so short, Arabella. This guy is who he is. I don't know how therapy can rewire someone's brain into simply knowing that name-calling is unacceptable and abusive. You say you won't tolerate it but, well, you ARE. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Any update AB? Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I agree with you, Drseussgrrl. Life is too short, and some things are just not making sense with the whole story. I'm not trying to judge you harshly - I just think you are selling yourself WAY short in this game called life. It's so short, Arabella. This guy is who he is. I don't know how therapy can rewire someone's brain into simply knowing that name-calling is unacceptable and abusive. You say you won't tolerate it but, well, you ARE. I do think that a person can change, though. Sometimes therapy really does work (when a person wants to change)! People can learn new behaviors, and learn how to get what they truly want in a relationship, in a positive way. They have to really want it though, for themselves. But it is possible, imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mycteria Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 I've read some of Arabella's posts before and although I'm sad to see that this is how things have turned out, it doesn't really surprise me. AB - he actually told you that he would be willing to give up his child if you would not charge him child support. If it were me, that would tell me ALL I need to know. I've only been dating my current guy for 6 months and I can tell you that there is no way in hell he would ever do that because he is a good man. He calls you a b*tch. A f*cking stupid b*tch at that. You are uneasy around him and your intuition has told you that it could get physical. What else do you need???? You've only been dating for a year and a half! And not even the entirety of that short period, if I'm reading between the lines correctly. Do you honestly see this relationship lasting a lifetime? You guys aren't even out of the honeymoon period yet! Oh, but he filled out a spreadsheet for you. My bad. I'm really not trying to offend you but this relationship was tainted from the start. Lying, communication issues, abuse, a pregnancy that was ill timed and probably not well thought out (although I'm sure you can rationalize that part too). I'm just trying to knock some sense into you, girl! You and your baby deserve better than a "father" who would abandon his child as long as he didn't have to pay for it! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 I've read some of Arabella's posts before and although I'm sad to see that this is how things have turned out, it doesn't really surprise me. AB - he actually told you that he would be willing to give up his child if you would not charge him child support. If it were me, that would tell me ALL I need to know. I've only been dating my current guy for 6 months and I can tell you that there is no way in hell he would ever do that because he is a good man. He calls you a b*tch. A f*cking stupid b*tch at that. You are uneasy around him and your intuition has told you that it could get physical. What else do you need???? You've only been dating for a year and a half! And not even the entirety of that short period, if I'm reading between the lines correctly. Do you honestly see this relationship lasting a lifetime? You guys aren't even out of the honeymoon period yet! Oh, but he filled out a spreadsheet for you. My bad. I'm really not trying to offend you but this relationship was tainted from the start. Lying, communication issues, abuse, a pregnancy that was ill timed and probably not well thought out (although I'm sure you can rationalize that part too). I'm just trying to knock some sense into you, girl! You and your baby deserve better than a "father" who would abandon his child as long as he didn't have to pay for it! Hey Mycteria, Thanks for the response. A lot has happened since I started this thread, and I was giving things some time to settle before I posted about it again. But, since I'm here... Regarding him giving up our child... he never suggested that. I did. At one point, I felt like we would be better off without him, so I asked him if he would be willing to leave us alone in exchange for me not seeking child support from him. He was against the idea, but eventually reluctantly agreed after asking me multiple times if that was what I would want if we split. He even made me promise that if it came to that, I would be honest with our child about why he wasn't around. We've been going to counseling for about a month, and it seems to have helped. I think being told by the counselor how wrong it was for him to call me names kinda knocked some sense into him. He apologized about it and hasn't done it again. We've also not had any more fights where I felt we could get violent, since the one or two events we had a few months ago. Just to be clear, he never laid a finger on me. Since all this happened and I stopped posting on this thread, things still got worse. We had some very emotional fights (no name-calling or violence though) in which all the resentment came out. For a few weeks, we were practically strangers living together. We even claimed not to love each other anymore. All of the stuff I've posted about and more came out during our counseling. The counselor had practically told us that she wasn't sure she could really help at this point, because we didn't really seem like a loving couple anymore. But, she did help with one thing: validation. I got much-needed validation that the things he did were wrong, and he got told, to his face, that he was in the wrong. He was also validated on some minor issues, and this helped lower his resentment level somewhat. It's still a work in progress, but I believe the counselor has been helpful. But things continued to get worse for a couple of weeks. One day, I decided I'd had enough and started making plans for him to move out. It was unhealthy, and I was done. Somehow, this kind of shocked us back to the reality of our relationship. Sure, we've been through a lot, and much of it was crap... but we still really wanted to be together and make it work. From that point, things really got better. For a couple of weeks now, we've not had any fights (this is major considering they were daily before), and we've been trying to improve our communication to avoid exploding at each other. The resentment seems to have gone down considerably on both our parts, which really helps with the daily interaction. Of course, it's too early to tell... but it seems like we've gotten past the big hump and we're working towards making our relationship work. I don't plan on giving it forever, and there is still a lot of work to be done, but at least right now I have hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Arabella, when you said 'I had had enough and I left' I just KNEW what was coming. He realised... You realised... There's love there... You both want it to work... Things have improved now... It's the same push-pull I had for 8 years and have seen in so many relationships. And exacerbated because of your baby. The only advice I have is not going to work for you. It would be to live apart, and not just for a few days or weeks. I think if you both need to re-establish yourselves and come to the relationship anew. Or break up. I hope I am wrong. I hope it works out how you'd like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 Well, I see the point you both are making, but I have been in relationships like that before, and I do not see that pattern with us -- yet. Trust me, the last thing I want is to be in a relationship full of problems that never seem to get better for good. All relationships go through lows and highs. Our relationship was pretty good until we hit our low, and we continued getting worse and worse until very recently. Things seem genuinely better... we're both in a much better frame of mind and we've been making great progress. It could very well turn out the ways you guys described, but for now, I think it's reasonable to give it a chance, don't you think? We're going on vacation overseas for 10 days this weekend, and that should really help us unwind and reconnect. -A 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Have a good time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 I used to call the calm after the storm with my abusive ex "the honeymoon phase". He realizes he screwed up, he does whatever he possibly can to get you to stay, he's on his best behavior...for a bit. And then it fades and all starts again until the next time. Please protect yourself and your unborn baby. I lived with exactly what you are describing for years. Mine turned in to physical abuse (it started as emotional). Best wishes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 What a great way to reconnect. I would totally try to do this if we had the financial means to go on a vacation...although the financial issues are one of our biggest issues. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 Have a good time! Thank you Nyla! I used to call the calm after the storm with my abusive ex "the honeymoon phase". He realizes he screwed up, he does whatever he possibly can to get you to stay, he's on his best behavior...for a bit. And then it fades and all starts again until the next time. Please protect yourself and your unborn baby. I lived with exactly what you are describing for years. Mine turned in to physical abuse (it started as emotional). Best wishes Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it. I just think it's too soon to call it a pattern. I can't go into our reconciliation (for lack of a better term) thinking it's going to fail, or it surely will! But I'm keeping your words in mind, trust me. I would never stay and put my child through years of this turmoil. What a great way to reconnect. I would totally try to do this if we had the financial means to go on a vacation...although the financial issues are one of our biggest issues. Good luck! This is a vacation we planned ages ago to go visit my family in Spain. They still haven't met him and my dad is getting antsy You know, you can try and get away for a weekend. Take a roadtrip without a destination, go camping, etc! We've done this many times... we usually have fun and come back pretty relaxed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it. I just think it's too soon to call it a pattern. I can't go into our reconciliation (for lack of a better term) thinking it's going to fail, or it surely will! But I'm keeping your words in mind, trust me. I would never stay and put my child through years of this turmoil. I always said that, too. I sincerely hope you won't, if it comes to that. I stayed for too long b/c I was scared for my life and was scared that if I left, God forbid what he would do to them when he got visitation with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I hope things work out for you, A, regardless of the road you choose. All the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 I hope things work out for you, A, regardless of the road you choose. All the best. I appreciate that Elswyth I'll be sure to report back! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 Not that this means anything for the long run... but right now, I'm really hopeful about us. It feels like something has changed between us. Like, permanently. We've had a a couple of disagreements and they didn't get blown out of proportion as per usual. We managed to agree to disagree and move on. This is unheard of for us. Normally we'd just engage in a power-struggle and escalate the argument until we're ready to break up. No joke. We'll see how our vacation goes. We're leaving tomorrow, and we're super excited Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Good luck to you, hope things work out and you enjoy your vacation! Although, being 41 yo, I can tell you it's way early to be going through this for the marriage to work out a lifetime. But I know you're not ready to call it quits. So I hope it does work out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 We'll see how our vacation goes. We're leaving tomorrow, and we're super excited Be forewarned though that vacations a lot of the time are anything but relaxing good times, many vacations need a vacation to get over them. Stress is higher and the snippy barbs can be thrown instead of kept in check. So if you guys start to have a big fight on your vacation then try and put it out as quickly as you can so it doesn't taint the good times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 Good luck to you, hope things work out and you enjoy your vacation! Although, being 41 yo, I can tell you it's way early to be going through this for the marriage to work out a lifetime. But I know you're not ready to call it quits. So I hope it does work out. I'd have to second this statement. My husband and I had issues before the marriage and although those issues have resolved....5 years later we have a whole new set of issues that will take a lot of work to make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 Well, we're back from vacation! Overall, it wasn't as fun and relaxing as we wanted it to be, but for unrelated reasons to our relationship troubles. Tension and repeated arguments with my father made things difficult for me sometimes However, when it was just the two of us and we avoided my family, we had A LOT of fun... just like in our prior vacation a year ago. Honestly, almost made me wish we had gone to a different country, so we wouldn't have to deal with my family... but that would've been selfish. As for us, things are still good. We had a couple of minor disagreements over small things but we bickered for a couple minutes and got past them right after. I'm surprised to say this, but our relationship feels pretty solid. I'm not deluded though. I realize our problems aren't completely gone... I think we've just managed to put our love above them and muster the energy to work on our relationship. It hasn't been a complete 180... more like a 140? We're still going to continue attending counseling, because I think it's important for us to learn to communicate better than we have been. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Oh, DO keep up the counselling. This change has to be permanent and it's rare that a couple, no matter how hard they want it, turn things around on their own. Glad you had fun. Hope the progress continues 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Seconding Silly Girl. As long as both of you are putting in effort to work on things together, Arabella, I don't see why things can't change for the better. Still rooting for you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 Hello all... For those who are wondering how we're doing... I've just opened another thread to discuss. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/431081-he-abusive-but-blames-me Feel free to chip in over there...as you may suspect, the focus of our issues has shifted. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts