Constant fighting! -- I postponed/cancelled the wedding

[Arabella]

It's funny, the guy went out and bought a puppy for her despite what they are going through. Just had to say it reminded me of my reading. It sounds like he wants to try to improve things as do you. I know taking your baby and running sounds like an easy way out of coping with this, but at least give him a chance to be a father to his child.

 

Well, we had committed to adopting this kitten a few days before things got really bad. He seemed hesitant as to whether he still should adopt him, but I knew he really wanted it so I didn't want to take that away from him.

 

Seeing him with the kitten, it is evident that it brings out his more tender side. He frets wondering what's the right thing to do (first pet he's ever owned) and it's kinda cute I guess not so unlike a baby... big responsibility to him! The kitten is here now, while the baby is still 6 months off.

 

be careful. men like this always feel bad and apologize, but then they turn around and do the same thing over and over again. my ex seemed incapable of controlling himself. some sick part of him got pleasure out of making me cry, and he just couldn't stop.

 

I hear you, but he's not like that. He takes no pleasure from making me unhappy... that much is evident. Your ex sounds like a terrible person, honestly. I'm very glad you got out of that.

 

One good-ish day/night certainly doesn't = a change.

 

He has to make a conscious effort to change. He has to take active steps to do so. Until he does and until he shows consistent change (I mean like 6+ mos) the wedding should be 100% tabled.

 

Wait until your next disagreement to see how he acts (name calling etc or not?) before you consider that the past was a "mistake" on his part.

 

Agreed. For now, the wedding isn't even an option. In fact, I'm thinking that I may want to wait until after the baby is born and we've definitely settled down the relationship. To be honest, I really don't want my wedding pictures to include a big belly, so it works... I won't be tempted to rush

 

How does this correlate to the name-calling and pinning all the blame on you, though?

 

[...]

 

But I think you should be careful not to put everything down to cultural differences. The part that I quoted is cultural; the name-calling etc is largely an individual thing IMO.

 

Agreed as well. He has never really dealt with conflict very well. Other people's conflict? Yes. If he's involved, things are different. He either gets angry, or most often just turtles up and won't even talk to you (while you sit there and try to talk to him). I think the name-calling is just a display of the resentment that we've created over the issues we had in the beginning. Definitely not cultural.

[Arabella]

I scheduled an appointment with a local counselor for Saturday. He seemed sad when I mentioned it... but he agreed to go. He really dislikes talking about our problems and fights once they're over. Which, of course, is part of the issue because we never really resolve them.

 

He still seemed really sad for the early part of the evening. He said things like "I feel like I'm losing you", to which I responded, "I'm right here" and hugged him... then he said "Feels like you're already gone"... and it broke my heart. That's absolutely not what I want nor feel. I'm still very much committed to him and making the relationship work, and I told him as much. The only condition is that he has to want it and put effort into it as well.

 

After our brief talk, we spent time with the cats, watched our favorite TV show and we went to bed early so we had time for ourselves. It's amazing how much physical intimacy affects the connection between two people. I think we both really feel it when we go this long without... After a nice shower together and sex, we felt much better.

[pink_sugar]

I have the same issue. My husband doesn't like to talk about our issues either. He complains that "I'm just going on about it and that he's already heard it". As much as I tell him I still talk about it because it's still a problem, I feel like he doesn't listen at all and I tell him I don't see how we can be together long term if he is unwilling to face the problems.

[Arabella]

I have the same issue. My husband doesn't like to talk about our issues either. He complains that "I'm just going on about it and that he's already heard it". As much as I tell him I still talk about it because it's still a problem, I feel like he doesn't listen at all and I tell him I don't see how we can be together long term if he is unwilling to face the problems.

 

Yeah, that's kind of how it goes with us too, except he doesn't openly complain, he just... doesn't engage me. Don't they understand that if it keeps coming up, then clearly it's still an issue? Ugh.

[Nyla]

Arabella, you are right to not want to marry a man who just wants to skirt issues all the time.

 

My husband will talk an issue to death until it is resolved.

 

He may grow weary of hearing about whatever it is, but he understands that if I am still talking about an issue it has not been resolved.

[pink_sugar]

Arabella, you are right to not want to marry a man who just wants to skirt issues all the time.

 

My husband will talk an issue to death until it is resolved.

 

He may grow weary of hearing about whatever it is, but he understands that if I am still talking about an issue it has not been resolved.

 

That's definitely me. I will continue to bring up an issue until it is resolved. Only I've gotten to the point where I feel like I'm wasting my breath and it might be time for me to move on.

[Tinie]

The argument/fights usually go like this: He does something that bothers me, I speak up about it, and he often tells me to deal with it... or he blames it on me. Sometimes, he seems willing to work it out... except he's not really willing to compromise on anything.

 

For context regarding my cultural comment, his family is Chinese, but he is American born and raised.

 

But yes, I do feel like he doesn't think of me as an equal anymore. He might have at some point, but hasn't for a long time. I'm apparently "too emotional", "a bitch" (his favorite!), "****!ng stupid", and have "too much attitude". All his words.

 

Wow. Wow. I get a heartache reading the last paragraph. Those aren't the words a loving man uses to address his woman.

 

A fellow coworker and friend of mine is Chinese, though I believe he was born in Taiwan, raised here (Canada). He's just as much of an entitled a-hole as your guy. I heard him speak about his past Rs and of course, it's the woman's fault. Of course the woman is a bitch, no, it's nothing to do with the fact that he is a male chauvinistic pig.

 

It takes 2 to tango. There's nothing in this situation that is telling me that it's 100% your fault. The fact that you are PREGNANT AND HORMONAL should be a BIG notice to him to be treating you especially well, which he is not doing. This is a time where he needs to be supportive and understanding. It's called being a loving SO. Something he evidently knows nothing about.

 

If you need to vent, please come here and vent. We're here to support you Be strong. If therapy doesn't work, cut your losses and move on. Maybe it's better that he showed his true colors before you made your vows to him. He's making the atmosphere toxic, and it's bad for you and your baby.

[Archanaart]

But yes, I do feel like he doesn't think of me as an equal anymore. He might have at some point, but hasn't for a long time. I'm apparently "too emotional", "a bitch" (his favorite!), "****!ng stupid", and have "too much attitude". All his words.

 

Sweetie I hate to say it and I'm sorry about your situation but that's verbal and emotional abuse.

 

No one should say those things to you or make you feel inferior to them.

[Arabella]

I hear you all about the name calling. There is NO question that it's abusive.

 

But guys, most of the time he's a very loving man.

 

Last night I brought home some work that I had to have finished by this morning. It was tedious, mechanical work entering tons of data on a spreadsheet... the least glamorous part of my job. After dinner, I was so exhausted that despite my best intentions to finish that work, I had to go sleep.

 

He spent the next 5 hours, until 1:30 am, doing my stupid spreadsheet so I would have it for this morning's meeting.

 

I agree that it doesn't excuse what he's done, but I do honestly believe he loves me. When we've fought in the past, he always says that I don't understand the way in which he shows his love for me. I believe that's true to some degree.

 

I'm not going to tolerate any more of that abusive behavior, and I am prepared to walk away if it perpetuates. But, I also believe that this relationship is worth fighting for and attempting to repair.

 

We'll see how things go during tomorrow's counseling appointment. I'll report back

[Nyla]

You know your fiancé best and personalities are rarely black and white; there is so much grey.

[Ninjainpajamas]

There's nothing grey about this situation from my perspective, the guy is transparent as hell and is clearly checked out of this relationship emotionally and he is fighting with you not just because he has "issues" but because he's intentionally sabotaging the relationship and at the end of the day doesn't want to be in it anymore, truth be told.

 

This guy is telling you in every way but with words...his body language, his attitude, this emotional barrier and lack of communication...it's because he's not really telling you how he feels. I'm sure he feels guilty and burdened, especially with all these current events...he dodged the left hook (marriage) but got smacked with an upper-cut (pregnancy) and now he's really going to be spinning on the inside because what in the world is he going to do and say now.

 

And i know you think that this pregnancy is a hope that this will help the relationship and bring out the emotional/tender side of him and help him see the "light", but regardless of how much you scream and shout about not dealing with his abusiveness, you're clearly getting deeper and deeper with this guy as possible...you're trying to hold onto this and "fight" for it.

 

But the reality is you're doing all the paddling...you're both sitting in a small row boat, you're on the ores and he's on the opposite end with his hands behind his back paddling in the opposite direction but he doesn't know how to communicate and stop this whole situation from progressing...and I'm sure you've made him feel guilty about all the things you've been through in the past and how much you've "fought" for this and "put up with" just to give this relationship a chance...when this guy obviously had some issues that just didn't magically disappear just because you're in his life.

 

The person I feel sorry for most is this unborn child that has to be apart of these shenanigans of dog and cat fighting when the guy just doesn't want to be there anymore but he doesn't have the balls and fortitude to move on and tell you how he REALLY feels...but ohhh nooo, you believe he really loves you because he did this, that or the other thing...I mean c'mon people, if you have to dig for little gems of affection and "love", maybe, just maybe you're in denial...don't you think? of course not! nobody knows how he/we feel! because every guy is supposed to tell you how they really feel....good luck with that! Men demonstrate how they feel, they are not known to be the best communicators in the world, especially when they know the repercussions and drama that would ensure if they did! "Oh how could you! you never really loved me! you used me! why didn't you just leave if you weren't happy!" and yadda yadda yadda, makes no difference but it's pretty easy to see once a man gets in too deep, it's extremely hard for them to be honest and clear about things, especially when there's no good enough excuse for YOU and the truth might not be what you want to hear, at all!

 

So go ahead with therapy, I'm sorry to sit here and burst the magical bubble of hope but this guy is checked out...big time, he even stated that he would let you have the child and be checked out of both of your lives and only pay child support if you desired...I mean really? does that really sound like the guy of your dreams? and even if he didn't really mean that, the point is that's where he is internally and emotionally that would lead him to say something like that...period.

 

I hope the guy just gets the balls to express how he really feels, because he's really just wasting your time and getting all the deeper...but he sounds scared himself...scared of not having other options, scared he'll have to start over...lacking confidence of whether he could actually find someone better/more loving than you...after all, you've stuck around through so much thus far, you've obviously proved your love, dedication and level of tolerance to be pushed around by the abuse for the "greater cause" of someday being magically happy and over all these issues...I'm sure he knows he can't just treat anyone like crap and you're already well instituted,.

 

Sorry but part of the problem is you because you are insistent on making this work, but he doesn't want to be happy with you, he's clearly not and likely not equally or moreso with himself!...I hate these guys for perpetuating the "hope" that women feel in these relationships when they're already checked out and just dragging things out and even if they said the words to you themselves you probably wouldn't believe it, you'd likely still be like "But no, no, you love me, you don't know what you're saying! remember you said you wanted this or that! remember you said you loved me, we used to love each other and it was great, let's get back to that place!":rolleyes:...it would be so much easier if they were actually honest, and then actually had the balls to leave...instead of avoiding every possible scenario to communicate and defiantly being pushed along like a bratty child because they can't simply say they don't feel the same way anymore and want the same thing....they can't even be honest with their damn selves, and so the denial and illusion with women continues...but why would you listen to me, when the writing is on the wall inches from your face but you both continue to make excuses for it to turn your heads left or right.

[Els]

he dodged the left hook (marriage) but got smacked with an upper-cut (pregnancy) and now he's really going to be spinning on the inside because what in the world is he going to do and say now.

 

Dude. This guy proposed to her out of the blue. To the best of my knowledge, she was surprised, because she hadn't even asked him, much less given him any sort of ultimatum. It stands to reason that if you're trying to 'dodge a left hook', you don't go out and ask someone to throw you one, yes?

 

I agree that the way he behaved towards her was abusive, but really, you're projecting your own views on marriage and pregnancy way too much here.

[Arabella]

Ninja, you're so not even close that I don't even know where to start responding to all the clueless dribble in your post.

 

Suffice to say this... for the past 5 months or so, I'M the one who has had one foot out of the relationship, while he has been fully invested in me.

 

The reason for my detachment was some issues that we had earlier in the year which we never fully resolved. This is what caused all the resentment on both our sides. All the fighting became draining and damaging.

 

As far as the pregnancy goes? It's funny how you think women need to get pregnant to trap a man. I'm 29, and I've never been pregnant. To me, allowing him to impregnate me was the ultimate commitment. Which, he attempted to do happily for 3 months of unprotected sex!

 

When I became pregnant, he told me out of the blue that he wanted to get married, when previously our timeline was completely different.

 

Since then... If he wanted an out, he's been given a million of them. I've told him things like:

 

I've lost some of my love for him.

I don't see him the way I used to.

I don't want to consider marriage again until our child is born.

I question if our relationship is worth fixing at this point.

 

Hell, I've ASKED him to move out after fights. More than once. He stayed every time.

 

To this day, he still tells me that he wants to work things out and have a family like we always intended.

 

These aren't the actions of a man who doesn't want to be with me, regardless of what you think.

 

I don't know whose relationship you're talking about... but it certainly isn't mine. Maybe you need to stop projecting.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't know whose relationship you're talking about... but it certainly isn't mine. Maybe you need to stop projecting.

 

Your relationship...I just skimmed through the thread too fast and misread who was unavailable (or it wasn't available, I forget), now I'm understanding that you're the one with the trust issues and this sounds like the other scenario not the one I went with, and with your last post it seems to be he is reacting out of resentment and harboring pain.

 

But you also stated you lied and had been through a lot with him, you were also vague about the past issues...being that I don't follow your posting history I wasn't sure what you meant by that. That's what drove me to believe he was the manipulator to some degree, but I didn't really read this post well.

 

At any rate this sounds like something I'd have to exhaustively read through to nail it down and I've got to run for now....there are many many many questions and details to be asked here because there are some glaring holes in this relationship...it's just a matter of lining everything up like wheels in a clock to understand what makes it tick.

 

But any way you slice it, sounds like a mess to me...both of you seem to have some serious issues that are attributing to much of this and in hurting deeply wounding one another.

[pink_sugar]

Ninja, you're so not even close that I don't even know where to start responding to all the clueless dribble in your post.

 

Suffice to say this... for the past 5 months or so, I'M the one who has had one foot out of the relationship, while he has been fully invested in me.

 

The reason for my detachment was some issues that we had earlier in the year which we never fully resolved. This is what caused all the resentment on both our sides. All the fighting became draining and damaging.

 

As far as the pregnancy goes? It's funny how you think women need to get pregnant to trap a man. I'm 29, and I've never been pregnant. To me, allowing him to impregnate me was the ultimate commitment. Which, he attempted to do happily for 3 months of unprotected sex!

 

When I became pregnant, he told me out of the blue that he wanted to get married, when previously our timeline was completely different.

 

Since then... If he wanted an out, he's been given a million of them. I've told him things like:

 

I've lost some of my love for him.

I don't see him the way I used to.

I don't want to consider marriage again until our child is born.

I question if our relationship is worth fixing at this point.

 

Hell, I've ASKED him to move out after fights. More than once. He stayed every time.

 

To this day, he still tells me that he wants to work things out and have a family like we always intended.

 

These aren't the actions of a man who doesn't want to be with me, regardless of what you think.

 

I don't know whose relationship you're talking about... but it certainly isn't mine. Maybe you need to stop projecting.

 

I know how you're feeling Arabella. I'm feeling the same way in my own relationship. It seems like nothing has changed in the past 5-6 years...I need to make that change. I just want to be happy again...I have been miserable the last few years.

[Arabella]

But any way you slice it, sounds like a mess to me...both of you seem to have some serious issues that are attributing to much of this and in hurting deeply wounding one another.

 

I didn't lie about anything -- he did. We got into a relationship and later I found out about some things he had hidden for me. Long story, I don't really want to rehash all of it... but it comes down to this:

 

I feel like he's not the person I thought he was (misrepresented himself because he knew otherwise I wouldn't date him) and while I can (and have) gotten over some of the things he hid.... one specific issue, I cannot. In fact, I don't even want to... because it's a matter of values. And this is something I've been trying to cope with since March.

 

Over time, all the talking (in an attempt to cope) degenerated into fighting. He couldn't relate or understand why this issue was important to me (or the fact that he destroyed my trust when he lied about it) because to him, it wouldn't have been. Difference in values.

 

During this time, I became somewhat detached, because I cannot reconcile the person I thought he was when i fell in love with the man, and the person he IS.

 

Six months after the initial events and we've made no progress in getting over those issues, and now he acts like it's actually MY fault. Except of course, he forgets that we're in this pickle because HE lied... but instead of blaming himself, he blames me for "not getting over it faster". As if he was the ultimate judge of how long it should take to a person to get over betrayal.

 

So, that's where we stand now. Unresolved issues, and resentment/anger on both sides as a result of trying to cope with them.

[pink_sugar]

So, that's where we stand now. Unresolved issues, and resentment/anger on both sides as a result of trying to cope with them.

 

You're not alone, AB. The longer the issues persist, the harder it gets to be willing to work these things out. Sadly, I am at a point where I feel I just want to move on and get a fresh start.

[Arabella]

You're not alone, AB. The longer the issues persist, the harder it gets to be willing to work these things out. Sadly, I am at a point where I feel I just want to move on and get a fresh start.

 

I know exactly how you feel, pink_sugar.

 

Sometimes I think things like...

 

How can I trust him, when he has proven he has no qualms lying to get what he wants (a relationship with me)?

Why should I compromise my values to accept this man?

By staying in this relationship after I found out, aren't I rewarding his lying?

 

This comes and goes... some days I feel like I deserve better and just want to end it, others I remember our great times and feel so nostalgic. It's hard because I know the only thing standing in the way of our happiness is... well, me.

 

I just am not willing to give up a part of myself to get it

[GorillaTheater]

This comes and goes... some days I feel like I deserve better and just want to end it, others I remember our great times and feel so nostalgic. It's hard because I know the only thing standing in the way of our happiness is... well, me.

 

But that can't be the truth, not in the situation you've described. The only mistake you could make is to accept the abusiveness.

 

Now, maybe he can change. Maybe he can get a grasp on his unacceptable behaviors and turn himself around. I won't give you good odds on that happening, but will admit that it's a possibility. People can and do change when they see the necesity of doing so.

 

You're best bet in the meantime is to observe your interactions going foward from 50,000 feet, in other words, dispassionately and detached.

[BluEyeL]

If a man ever called me "****ing stupid", I would be gone. I don't think there is anything to work out here anymore. It's going to only get worse after marriage. Imagine the baby crying, issues, stres....not good. Can you last a lifetime? I don't think it's a good relationship, no, don't do it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I didn't lie about anything -- he did. We got into a relationship and later I found out about some things he had hidden for me. Long story, I don't really want to rehash all of it... but it comes down to this:

 

I feel like he's not the person I thought he was (misrepresented himself because he knew otherwise I wouldn't date him) and while I can (and have) gotten over some of the things he hid.... one specific issue, I cannot. In fact, I don't even want to... because it's a matter of values. And this is something I've been trying to cope with since March.

 

Over time, all the talking (in an attempt to cope) degenerated into fighting. He couldn't relate or understand why this issue was important to me (or the fact that he destroyed my trust when he lied about it) because to him, it wouldn't have been. Difference in values.

 

During this time, I became somewhat detached, because I cannot reconcile the person I thought he was when i fell in love with the man, and the person he IS.

 

Six months after the initial events and we've made no progress in getting over those issues, and now he acts like it's actually MY fault. Except of course, he forgets that we're in this pickle because HE lied... but instead of blaming himself, he blames me for "not getting over it faster". As if he was the ultimate judge of how long it should take to a person to get over betrayal.

 

So, that's where we stand now. Unresolved issues, and resentment/anger on both sides as a result of trying to cope with them.

 

Was a typo initially in my post, I meant to say he was lying.

 

Without knowing the exact details here it's going to be difficult to say much in regards to that obviously, sounds like the elephant in the room that's just adding an additional layer and perpetuating the conflict, so seeing a counselor/therapist will get you to talk about these things you don't want to talk about or have tried to but ended up in disaster.

 

Additionally there are way too many questions here that need to be addressed here now with the state of this relationship, it doesn't all seem to derive from one event...I think the wires need to be uncrossed here eventually so there is some transparency...right now it's too cluttered, you've got some serious emotions to consider, conflicting opinions that are causing a divide and abuse entering your relationship that I'm worried it's just going to get progressive, and then to add to it a pregnancy.

 

Right now you really are going to need love, support and understanding the most and I fear the state of your relationship and insensitivity on his part is going to make this a potentially disastrous situation. He really needs to be there for you right now more than ever but he's obviously harboring a lot of resentment towards the difficulties in this relationship.

 

You need a mediator, someone who can bridge the gap with communication without going through that vicious cycle once again where no one is even listening anymore and the longer you remain in that state the lower the threshold of respect remains...and once you lose respect and cross certain lines, it's extremely difficult to forget and possibly impossible to get back. You're obviously feeling a lot of emotional pain and I feel you are bracing yourself for this possible impending abandonment.

 

He's not taking any ownership to how you are feeling, or even acknowledging it...and it's hard for him to do that because he doesn't feel obligated in doing so based on his own beliefs/opinion on that...he needs to at least acknowledge the pain and suffering it has caused you in order for you to move beyond that....you need to be understood and have your emotions validated and he's not giving you that...instead he's retaliating for your reaction based on what he has done and lied to you about, and minimizing the situation/circumstances of it in order to avoid it...from his perspective he feels justified in essentially "punishing"/pushing you for essentially punishing him for what he did, that consequently feels the punishment doesn't match the crime.

 

Now he is blaming you for all of his emotions in retaliation or defense of this situation, and issues in the relationship...he feels that without you making a big deal out of this issue then everything might be ok...therefore he resents you for taking out how you feel and slides all the responsibility to your side of the table for causing the conflict in the relationship...he feels that this is what you are choosing to do.

 

You're not going to win the battle of convincing him he's the perpetrator for lying, and he's not going to convince you that you are to blame and just merely overreacting. You need respect and to really really be able to listen to how one another feels, but right now tensions are very high and every time you open that door it's going to flood out because there are a lot of emotions built up in it.

 

Your agenda can't be to "win" the argument of who was the cause or the problem, that can't be the focus of where you invest your energy, nobody wins in a relationship with conflict, disrespect and abuse...it doesn't matter who is right...so you have to move on from beyond that point and really be able to sit down and actually LISTEN to how one another feels without reacting...this might be writing a letter and having them read it to themselves in front of you, it's must better to read than listen to someone you've already heard the same words come out of their mouths and already jump the gun to where they are going with it...and guys get really frustrated sometimes when women just cry and get emotional, because it automatically makes them feel defensive and like the one to blame, like it's their fault...they don't want to see you cry or feel bad but they deflect it in order to not feel guilty and responsible for it...they might not want to accept it or be in denial of it....It's hard to acknowledge for many men.

 

Ultimately you both need to show understanding, respect and ultimate loving desire and motivation to put your differences aside and your walls down in order to progress (sometimes you need some personal time apart to gain this clarity and to recharge your patience)...and sometimes these things can't be overcome in the end, sometimes there are just too many conflicts and sometimes you turn a corner or cross a lien that you can't go back on and pretend it never happened and back to the same the way it was "before"...this is the true test of a relationship, you've got to both mutually fight against your instincts for self-preservation and give a little, it's got to be something you have to both bring your walls down to in order for it to have a chance....for a healthy relationship that is close and bonded at least, but like I said, sometimes it just doesn't work....for some it's impossible or a long ride, there can be an incompatibility factor here...it's extremely hard working through personal issues in a relationship as well, on top of it.

 

Worst comes to worse, I'm not sure if you are living together but if the abuse persists I'd recommend not living together and then transitioning back into that if once you've learned to work through some of your communication problems. This is a lot to handle, I think you're dealing with a load here so you might need some space and stability to really think things through clearly.

[Tinie]

If a man ever called me "****ing stupid", I would be gone. I don't think there is anything to work out here anymore. It's going to only get worse after marriage. Imagine the baby crying, issues, stres....not good. Can you last a lifetime? I don't think it's a good relationship, no, don't do it.

 

^^^THIS^^^

 

Sometimes, Arabella, you have to think what's ultimately best for YOU. Yes the memories were sweet, but in the long run, it won't be healthy for you to stay in a toxic relationship simply because you cling to history.

 

Furthermore, why do you feel these doubts that cause you to push him away? Maybe you are getting a feeling that this relationship is unhappy and you need to leave? It's just a thought, I always get this sort of uneasy feeling about certain situations that I feel might turn out bad, and they usually do.

Edited July 30, 2013 by Tinie

[pink_sugar]

 

This comes and goes... some days I feel like I deserve better and just want to end it, others I remember our great times and feel so nostalgic. It's hard because I know the only thing standing in the way of our happiness is... well, me.

 

I just am not willing to give up a part of myself to get it

 

Been going through the same thing. Part of me knows we really have some serious issues and separating is probably for the best. But at the same time, I do have those moments of how we "used to be". Sometimes I wonder if we didn't rush into marriage and living together right away that maybe we'd still be happy. Most of our issues have been financial, but it has taken me nearly 7 years to come out of denial about some of his quirks. He almost always tries to justify things before apologizing or admitting his wrongdoings.

Edited July 30, 2013 by pink_sugar

[pie2]

Arabella ~

 

Haven't read every post, but did you end up going to therapy?

 

I just wanted to let you know that proper recovery isn't a quick fix -- it'll take a lot of time and effort to change.

 

And the ONLY one you can change is you.

 

When I look at your story at face value, you are the common denominator in a string of failed relationships. Please take responsibility for the part you play in creating these chaotic dynamics.

 

I guarantee that if you end up breaking up with this guy, you will see a repeat in the future. Unless you start to focus on the dysfunctional way you approach relationships with men.

 

I don't point my finger...you're NOT alone. I just wish you could see. And I wish you all the best.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I hope I don't offend you by asking, but why did you decide to start trying for a baby with the lying/ values issue unresolved?