Health Issues and Wayward Spouses

[dreamingoftigers]

Add in "father's mistakes" too.

But PHEW, this really rung a huge bell with me, as I'm sure it will for others.

 

To add to the list of afflictions (though it's not categorical across the board, of course): (early) menopause. Hormones surge crazily; certain women doubt their whole way of existence before that point, and ka-boom.

 

As much as it risks sounding misogynistic coming from an xH, () it is also completely true.

 

Menopausal women have been known to quickly quit even very long-term relationships.

[worldgonewrong]

The other component I wanted to add to this mix (as I follow this down the line):

 

You have been a supportive party to your spouse's affliction (medical/psychological);

they're aware that you have seen them at their most vulnerable, completely exposed;

if they're prone to low self-esteem & avoidant, to their minds, the magic has gone out, as they're too exposed;

in your mind, you feel honored to be let into the 'inner sanctum' of their problems, but in their minds, it's an abhorrent thing as they prefer illusion over reality;

hence, you get dumped, as they'd rather deal with someone who doesn't dare peek over their walls.

[worldgonewrong]

As much as it risks sounding misogynistic coming from an xH, () it is also completely true.

 

hahaha! which is why I was very quick to put in those 2 qualifiers! My own mother didn't become ape-sh#t crazy and uproot everything during menopause, so, y'know...

[dreamingoftigers]

hahaha! which is why I was very quick to put in those 2 qualifiers! My own mother didn't become ape-sh#t crazy and uproot everything during menopause, so, y'know...

 

Jeez, I wish MY mother had!

 

I was kind of hoping that she'd get out of there and start her own life.

[leonine]

I was perfectly healthy when my affair started, but about three months in, my husband caused an accident where I became injured and required surgery. He felt quite bad about it at the time that it happened, but approximately a week later he left me home alone to go on a previously planned vacation. I was still pretty hopped up on pain pills and not particularly mobile, so I went a little stir crazy that week. I felt abandoned and probably used this to assuage some of my guilt. It caused me gravitate to my OM (who was of course saying he never would have left my side, he wouldn't have let me be hurt in the first place, etc., etc.). So while health issues didn't have a part in my affair starting, I can see where this might have prolonged it.

[aliveagain]

Just as a side note amongst other things I just happen to be a painter, artsy fartsy kind. I did a painting of the ex called the adulteress, I had it in a show with another dozen pieces(one of those upscale restaurant gallery places in Calgary). They took her painting down after a week, they had too many complaints about the piece. Huh? Are there that many people that cheat having dinner there? Perhaps they are meeting their lovers for an afternoon romp while their husbands or wives are at work? Never happened with any other painting, ever. The same piece was hanging in my home when a couple of friends came over for one of my "Gnocchi Night In Canada" nights. I teach them to make gnocchi from scratch, lot's of wine, music, than we cook what they made, more wine, generally a really fun night. I usually have 15 or 20 pieces of my art on the walls. The wife of one of my broker friends started crying while standing in front of the piece, I didn't know what to say. Months later I found out she had cheated on her husband. Is there a cheating epidemic out there?

[aliveagain]

leonine, are you still in your affair?

[leonine]

leonine, are you still in your affair?

 

No. It ended over a year ago. A couple of months after it ended I told my husband about it. We are in the process of reconciling.

[aliveagain]

Lionine can I just ask you, "How could you do that to him if you really loved him?" I am having a really hard time understanding how someone that loves me as much as they say they do could still do that to me. I didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve that at all because it ripped my heart out. I would be driving to an appointment and right there on Deerfoot Trail, 100k an hour I would just cry like a baby, I couldn't stop myself. I just do not understand it lionine, I can't get my head around it. Everything about her felt tainted from that point on, I felt like I had to accept it for what it was if I wanted to have her in my life, she just didn't feel like she was mine anymore, she let someone else steal something from me, she didn't protect us, I felt like I lost something that was only ours. She didn't protect us at all, she gave up so easy.

 

Every morning when I woke it felt like my mother died and I had just been told.

Edited May 24, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[krazikat]

He didn't have any real health issues before the affair. He did develop a lot of issues during it though. He constantly had stomach problems and headaches. He was constantly suffering from stress. He had other male issues (which were with her also as I read in IM's, that guilt will get you every time) He also drank more than I have ever seen him drink, he was drinking (a lot of times heavily) almost every day. That is why at first I thought drinking problem and not affair.

 

Me, too! Only...shoot. He started drinking before we were married. Before we were married, there was a period of time we werent together. I had a brief r with om after waiting a year+ for him. We had a child before we were married, and have another child I had years before I met him which he treated as his own. Despite not being together, we spent time together daily...he just went home at night. We did not have sex. We were both celebate. This was for religious reasons, only I didnt fully get it at the time. He found out about the r woth om...and it absolutelt crushed him. I ended it immediately, seeing how much it devastated him but the damage was done. I later found out from his family that he had been planning on proposing to me. They did not know what had happened.

 

Basically, He couldnt officially be in an r with me before that because of the religion...too much to get into...but he hadnt communicated that to me. He changed, started drinking alot, but tried to forgive me. I thought he had, we got married, etc. I soon realized how much he drank. From when he woke up to when he went to bed.

 

We started fighting...alot. I did not know how to handle it, didnt know what to do. He didnt trust me...always wanting to know where I was. It got to a point where I threatened divorce...and that is when the A started. His reasoning was that this beautiful girl wanted him, I didnt. So it started. She supported his drinking, partied with him, did drugs with him.

 

I also was dealing with my disability and cp. It was a miserable time. But we made it thru, things were good. I had changed my approach, became more supportive instead of naggy. He took care of me when I was down. And I blamed what I know now as cheating behavior on the drinking. We were affectionate, loving, ily said multiple times daily. still the drinking, and he went to treatment.

 

When dday came, he had already ended it with ow. But something came up and he needed something from her, so he contacted her, said some things to her. I saw the texts...she was going off about how he only dumped her because he felt guilty getting p***y, etc. she was pissed. He said sweet things to calm her down. Things to make her think he wanted to get back together. Then forgot to turn his secret phone off. He was sleeping, I heard it and the rest is, as they say, history. She was very rude, said horrible disgusting things to me, I am so glad I wasnt anywhere close to her or things could have gotten violent, I am ashamed to say. I have had to block her from callinge, and I am glad we moved right before this, she has no way to contact us. But when the ish hit the fan, and reality set in amd he had to face everything he had done...well, he changed.

 

I am explaining all of this because what I see as the precursor for the affair was an unfortunate series of events...resentment, depression, alcoholism, and, I found out, drug use.

 

I have the cp...I didnt cheat. He has the depression and other side effect conditions...alcoholism, addiction.

 

Dday...he has not touched drug or drink since. He is back to who he was when I met him, and his actions show he is dedicated to us. But sheesh, it is so heartbreaking. I never envisioned my marriage being like this. sorry to tj, not my intent, but I feel strongly that depression and/or other mental issues are the culprit...not the illness in itself. Like I said before, cp and depression go hand in hand. Which can lead to aloholism, other addictions, loathing of self, missplaced anger, etc.

 

Rant over

[aliveagain]

krazikat, does he know how lucky he is, your not gone, your still there. I can not accept infidelity in my life anymore, infidelity is a deal breaker. What does he do to make you feel safe now?

[krazikat]

krazikat, does he know how lucky he is, your not gone, your still there. I can not accept infidelity in my life anymore, infidelity is a deal breaker. What does he do to make you feel safe now?

 

Yes, I believe he does. I was ready to walk...I always said that I would not stay with a man who cheated.

 

Honestly, it is everything overall that caused me to stay. He considered my r with om as cheating, although technocally it wasnt. I saw how it devastated him and changed him. I felt horrible...even thinking of it now I feel horrible...and I have always wondered how things would have been if I had not made that decision. I do not blame myself for his cheating at all...he made that decision. Our marriage was toxic when it started. I do own my part in that.

 

Really, what it comes down to is the love. I do love him completely. I also know he loves me completely. He is now back to the man I fell in love with. Who I have been getting glimpses of for years but never fully him. He has worked hard to show he is here for me. He is patient, loving, open, etc. He has done alot.

 

With that said, if he cheats again, then I will know it is time to go. There will be no round 3. But with everything in the story of us considered and all the changes he made, I wanted to give my marriage another chance. I believe in marriage, I took getting married very seriously, and this has been like hitting the reset button. We are falling in love all over again. We are older, hopefully wiser He came to the brink of losing me, and yes he definitely knows how lucky he is. So it is worth it to give him another chance.

[leonine]

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this aliveagain. I can't say that I know what you're feeling, but I know what it looks like and I know that it's horrible.

 

For me, I did always love my husband, but for a time I didn't act in a loving or respectful way. He wasn't a candidate for Husband of the Year for much of our marriage. I have some FOO issues tied to feeling permanently inadequate, so a part of me believed that I deserved the treatment that I got from him. That anyone would be as dismissive as he could be towards me.

 

I get angry at myself sometimes for feeling this way - I know that I'm attractive, intelligent, funny, interesting, and all of that, but these voices still come up in my head telling me that I'm not good enough in some fundamental way. I didn't have the courage to really demand better from him. I would tell him how what he would do would make me feel and he would apologize, but I never had the strength to truly demand change.

 

Anyway, things started with the OM at a time when I was particularly vulnerable. I had been approached by other men before over the 13 years that my husband and I had been together, but I never even entertained the thought of cheating on him. My husband and I had just gone through an especially rough time though. I felt very low and was needy for external validation. I was weak and caved to the OM's pursuit. It's something that I regret every day.

 

As I said before though, I never didn't love my husband. He's smart, attractive, charming, and we see eye to eye on many important life issues (family, money, religion). We work well together in many ways. I always wanted him, but gave into my weakness when I felt hopeless that he could ever really love me back.

 

That's my story, but your SO's story was different. I'm sorry I can't answer for her. Ultimately, it wasn't about you, but something broken in her. Everything you said is correct - you didn't deserve it, and she didn't do her part to protect you.

 

Lionine can I just ask you, "How could you do that to him if you really loved him?" I am having a really hard time understanding how someone that loves me as much as they say they do could still do that to me. I didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve that at all because it ripped my heart out. I would be driving to an appointment and right there on Deerfoot Trail, 100k an hour I would just cry like a baby, I couldn't stop myself. I just do not understand it lionine, I can't get my head around it. Everything about her felt tainted from that point on, I felt like I had to accept it for what it was if I wanted to have her in my life, she just didn't feel like she was mine anymore, she let someone else steal something from me, she didn't protect us, I felt like I lost something that was only ours. She didn't protect us at all, she gave up so easy.

 

Every morning when I woke it felt like my mother died and I had just been told.

[krazikat]

krazikat, does he know how lucky he is, your not gone, your still there. I can not accept infidelity in my life anymore, infidelity is a deal breaker. What does he do to make you feel safe now?

 

I also want to add that I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is traumatic. I felt like my world had been ripped out from under me when I first found out...dday and weeks after. Even physical pain, insomnia, random crying. I completely get the deal breaker...i honestly thought d was my only answer. But for my sotuation, once our history was flashing before my eyes, I saw where I was a cold, distant, angry wife for a period of time. I cant say that I would have stayed if he had treated me that way. He wasnt perfect, either. It was toxic.

 

I do wish you the best. You know what is right for you, what you can live with. You deserve happiness and faithfulness.

[aliveagain]

leonine, does he trust you now, what do you do that makes him feel safe staying with you? Why is staying with you the right choice?

[Act Two]

The other component I wanted to add to this mix (as I follow this down the line):

 

You have been a supportive party to your spouse's affliction (medical/psychological);

they're aware that you have seen them at their most vulnerable, completely exposed;

if they're prone to low self-esteem & avoidant, to their minds, the magic has gone out, as they're too exposed;

in your mind, you feel honored to be let into the 'inner sanctum' of their problems, but in their minds, it's an abhorrent thing as they prefer illusion over reality;

hence, you get dumped, as they'd rather deal with someone who doesn't dare peek over their walls.

 

This pierces me to my core; it is one of my greatest regrets in the hurt I caused.

 

In my early days of my pain cycles, when I couldn't get answers from specialists and thought I might have to live in chronic pain, I came close to wondering if I could really live life that like and whether my life was worth it anymore. I was in a depression that I have never been in before, and my stbx had to shoulder almost everything at that point (a few months). He did his best to help me at that point physically as well.

 

Fortunately, I found a way out of the pain and some healthy coping strategies (swimming- my life saver), BUT then I found a really unhealthy coping strategy I tossed him aside. It was beyond cruel. There's more to the autopsy of the marriage but that part is horribly painful to face.

[BetrayedH]

This pierces me to my core; it is one of my greatest regrets in the hurt I caused.

 

In my early days of my pain cycles, when I couldn't get answers from specialists and thought I might have to live in chronic pain, I came close to wondering if I could really live life that like and whether my life was worth it anymore. I was in a depression that I have never been in before, and my stbx had to shoulder almost everything at that point (a few months). He did his best to help me at that point physically as well.

 

Fortunately, I found a way out of the pain and some healthy coping strategies (swimming- my life saver), BUT then I found a really unhealthy coping strategy I tossed him aside. It was beyond cruel. There's more to the autopsy of the marriage but that part is horribly painful to face.

 

I think there's some truth to what WGW said as well. After so many years together, I had seen my wife at her worst. I knew she wasn't perfect and creating an image of perfection was important to her. She wanted to be recognized for having it all together; external validation was important. But here I was at her side having seen her imperfections and even though I loved her, I was shackled to her by a lifelong vow and by children. That's not very validating and it doesn't stroke the ego. By comparison, she had the OM who was enamoured with her and took huge risks to be with her - that's very validating and strokes that ego. And if the wayward is depressed, there's just one more powerful reason to seek the validation.

[findingnemo]

I've followed this thread in fascination. Try as I might, I simply don't get it.

 

Health issues may cause self-esteem problems or some form of downgrade in our judgement centers that contributes to things like As? I can understand someone saying that any really stressful situation can make a person vulnerable to getting an ego boost and that one of those ways is by having an A. I even believe that chronic pain can affect one's judgement. But an A? I don't buy it.

 

An A requires on-going decision making by the WS. Some of it quite genius if only in the short term. The only thing I know that affects brain function is a mid-life crisis where a person acts pretty crazy but does it openly.

 

In As, this is never the case. Instead everything is done in secret and requires planning. Apart from causing stress and thereby vulnerability to all sorts of things, how would health issues be seen as being a contributor to an A specifically?

[Act Two]

I've followed this thread in fascination. Try as I might, I simply don't get it.

 

Health issues may cause self-esteem problems or some form of downgrade in our judgement centers that contributes to things like As? I can understand someone saying that any really stressful situation can make a person vulnerable to getting an ego boost and that one of those ways is by having an A. I even believe that chronic pain can affect one's judgement. But an A? I don't buy it.

 

An A requires on-going decision making by the WS. Some of it quite genius if only in the short term. The only thing I know that affects brain function is a mid-life crisis where a person acts pretty crazy but does it openly.

 

In As, this is never the case. Instead everything is done in secret and requires planning. Apart from causing stress and thereby vulnerability to all sorts of things, how would health issues be seen as being a contributor to an A specifically?

 

I'm not sure why the secretive nature of an affair would change anything.- I guess I don't understand your post.

 

I think of it like any other destructive addiction; it temporarily soothes at the expense of the long-term damage it causes to everyone around. It is irrational and selfish.

[krazikat]

I've followed this thread in fascination. Try as I might, I simply don't get it.

 

Health issues may cause self-esteem problems or some form of downgrade in our judgement centers that contributes to things like As? I can understand someone saying that any really stressful situation can make a person vulnerable to getting an ego boost and that one of those ways is by having an A. I even believe that chronic pain can affect one's judgement. But an A? I don't buy it.

 

An A requires on-going decision making by the WS. Some of it quite genius if only in the short term. The only thing I know that affects brain function is a mid-life crisis where a person acts pretty crazy but does it openly.

 

In As, this is never the case. Instead everything is done in secret and requires planning. Apart from causing stress and thereby vulnerability to all sorts of things, how would health issues be seen as being a contributor to an A specifically?

 

I dont think it is the health issues...but like I mentioned before, DEPRESSION OR OTHER MENTAL ISSUES THAT ARE OFTEN A COMMON SODE EFFECT OF HEALTH ISSUES. I dont think the bs is ever the cause for the affair, but something broken inside ws. With health issues, the brokeness can be a myriad of negative thoughts and self doubt, with depression at its core.

 

I dont find it an excuse for cheating, but depression causes people to do crazy things. Like suicide, the ultimate selfish act. So I can see how depression for whatever reason causes behaviors that ptherwise would not happen.

 

With any of the ws with health issues, was there depression?

[findingnemo]

I'm not sure why the secretive nature of an affair would change anything.- I guess I don't understand your post.

 

I think of it like any other destructive addiction; it temporarily soothes at the expense of the long-term damage it causes to everyone around. It is irrational and selfish.

 

Let me try to explain....

 

The OP posits that there may be a link between health issues and people who have As. The question is "do cheaters have more health problems than non cheaters?" First of all I thought the question was whether people who cheat suffer from illness due to guilt or something as a result of their As. Then posts followed arguing that health problems can lead to impaired judgement that can lead to an A.

 

So I ask how is that? Given the amount of subterfuge needed to carry on an A by a WS, it seems like he/she pretty much has their wits about them. And I argue instead that any prolonged stress can make someone seek solace in destructive things like drug use or alcoholism. You don't really need to think while being an addict, do you?

 

Having an A is not a destructive addiction. At least I don't believe it is. I don't believe that one person is addicted to sex with a particular person. Would that there were such a thing, perhaps there would be less As and more people addicted to their spouses! I have heard of sex addiction in which case a person will have sex with pretty much anyone.

 

So the health issues occurring before and leading or even contributing to an A is a bit confusing for me if impaired judgement is the cause/factor/link.

[findingnemo]

I dont think it is the health issues...but like I mentioned before, DEPRESSION OR OTHER MENTAL ISSUES THAT ARE OFTEN A COMMON SODE EFFECT OF HEALTH ISSUES. I dont think the bs is ever the cause for the affair, but something broken inside ws. With health issues, the brokeness can be a myriad of negative thoughts and self doubt, with depression at its core.

 

I dont find it an excuse for cheating, but depression causes people to do crazy things. Like suicide, the ultimate selfish act. So I can see how depression for whatever reason causes behaviors that ptherwise would not happen.

 

With any of the ws with health issues, was there depression?

 

Mental issues makes sense. Someone goes temporarily crazy and has an A. Whatever the cause, depression or bipolar or whatever, the fact is there is a change in brain chemistry. But even then, there must be very few of these cases because how is it possible for a clinically depressed person to lie for a very long time to their BS and not get caught? Doesn't that take some seriously solid judgement? We know the kinds of antics WS' employ. Pretty clever stuff though not sustainable. Unless we are saying one is depressed, meets a AP, becomes happy again and brain function goes back to normal for a while... You see how that logic just doesn't work?

[Act Two]

Let me try to explain....

 

The OP posits that there may be a link between health issues and people who have As. The question is "do cheaters have more health problems than non cheaters?" First of all I thought the question was whether people who cheat suffer from illness due to guilt or something as a result of their As. Then posts followed arguing that health problems can lead to impaired judgement that can lead to an A.

 

So I ask how is that? Given the amount of subterfuge needed to carry on an A by a WS, it seems like he/she pretty much has their wits about them. And I argue instead that any prolonged stress can make someone seek solace in destructive things like drug use or alcoholism. You don't really need to think while being an addict, do you?

 

Having an A is not a destructive addiction. At least I don't believe it is. I don't believe that one person is addicted to sex with a particular person. Would that there were such a thing, perhaps there would be less As and more people addicted to their spouses! I have heard of sex addiction in which case a person will have sex with pretty much anyone.

 

So the health issues occurring before and leading or even contributing to an A is a bit confusing for me if impaired judgement is the cause/factor/link.

 

I don't think it is a question of having your wits or not having your wits. It's not like becoming literally intoxicated. It means that people with chronic illnesses, for example, frequently become depressed and/or experience shame and self-doubt.

 

An affair can be a way to self-medicate the emotional pain caused by the health issue. It is as destructive as another type of addiction. This doesn't mean it's not also a morally bad decision, but it is an escape from pain nonetheless.

 

I could not disagree with you more that it is not like an addiction. It VERY much felt like an addiction to me. Not that I completely lost control, but when I would go NC I would feel withdrawal and depression, and even a small contact with exOM in even a text message was a shot in the arm. The feel good chemicals would flood me. I read similar experiences over and over in the OW/OM forum all the time. It was an extremely tough cycle to break even though I cognitively knew I was causing harm to everyone including myself. Isn't that an addiction?

 

It really had nothing to do with sex for me- in fact, the sexual nature of my relationship with exOM wasn't that great. An affair isn't necessarily just about a sex addiction.

[aliveagain]

Whatever the affair partner becomes to the wayward, the addiction part stands out to me. No matter what walk of life people are in, affairs happen. Look at the situation regarding the successful, happily married journalist and the high ranking general, they both had children, her husband was a very successful doctor yet look at the train wreck they created. I still have images of her under his office desk playing with his flute while he conducted meetings that dealt with the nation's security. Why could she not stop the wreck from happening, she knew, he knew what was at risk yet they continued to the point that she threatened another married woman who she suspected was also cheating with him. They actually breeched national security to continue it, if it had been regular folk like us, we would be spending the rest of our lives in prison. Addiction, the high that adultery gives, that's a big part of it. That was so obvious to me as to why they always lie about using protection. They want to exchange bodily fluids, that's another part of the high. That was so big in my ex's affair, she got pregnant and had his child. The chances of that happening would have been minimal had they used protection. Just another lie.

Edited May 25, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[aliveagain]

Act Two, I don't know your complete story but can you be brutally honest with us, "Did you use protection?" Did you lie to your husband about using protection?

 

Are there any other wayward's reading this post that would be willing to answer that question?

Edited May 25, 2013 by aliveagain