Bluesandy Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Thanks, but I hope not. But i guess the truth will show its self one day. My feelings now are I am just going to wait and see. Do nothing. If I contact her, i will just get hurt. So leave it well alone. Get on with life, and live through the pain. cheers all, have a good weekend Tom I know your pain Tom... I just hope it is not the case for you but the chances are very slim.. May be someone who leave far away and they communicated by Internet, and they might have met before the breakup, when she decided to leave you. Could be the reason of her sudden move, because she realized her feelings and didn't want to affect you.... Just my own experience and the one of others I have talked with in similar cases... As I told you before, I anticipated the situation and the very next day when she told me this and left, I registered on a dating site.. I send 30 messages, answered some direct hit I received, met 6 girls and chose the one who fitted the most with what I was looking for..I got lucky since that girl was ready to give me a lot of affection.. It was hard the first month with her because my libido was like 0, and I had flashes of my wife each time we were in the bed together (was so harddddd), but she was just understanding the situation, and I was helped sometimes with some blue pills, at least not to be a 0 (did it for her)... The second month was better, a litlle bit more libido, and less flashes of my wife, but her affection was so big... she helped me so much... it is now 2 months and one week we are together, and we are in still in love... Unbelievible.. It is science fiction for me, because I was so destroy before meeting her for a month, but I knew I had to do this move if I didn't want to carry on my pain too much. I have three girls who stayed with me (they are so schocked against their mother and don't want to meet her new BF), and a very hard business to run for so I didn't have the choice to stay in a no man's land.. ... Please, I know it is hard for you, but please, try to move on for you.... You deserve it. I know it is hard to move on, I loved my wife for 23 years, and we have plan for the future even last summer... But apparently,things moved in an other direction.. Hard to understand, I know, but wtf.I had to do it for me and for my girls.. For three months I have decided to avoid to see my wife or call her... The only communication we have so far is to discuss the terms of the separation in a very cold matter I initiated (she was like friendly at first, I didn't want her friendship..). We will discuss of the divorce as soon as it will be done, so sometimes between now and 2 weeks.. In a couple, to make things work out, you need to be two. If not, better to move to something else.. Very strange the brain. If you had told me those stuff 4 months ago when I was with my wife, I wouldn't have believed you.. And if you have told me I would have falled in love with that girl in a so short term, I wouldn't have believe you as well... But I made this happened because I knew it was my only solution to survive... May be I am wrong with your wife having another man.. But in that case, she left you because of the man you are. Meaning you have to change drastically.. And the only way to do it is to move on in a new relationship, or wait for a very very long time...... So the first solution is better for you... And then, if ever she would want to get back to you, you then will have the choice to choose between your wife and that new girl you will find, who may me will give you more.... It happened to a friend of mine, and even if his new girl was like very hot, he decided to go back with his wife 18 months after the breakup (including 6 months with his new girlfriend).. He got the choice... Can you imagine to wait for 18 months without any affection at all... I am not strong enough... this new girlfriend I have met gave me her love on a every day basis..And I am so thankfull.. Not sure I could go back with my wife in the future now.. but we never know... the human brain is so strange.. Courage Tom... Sorry again for my English, I am a French Man living in the French part of Canada, and my wife was British ;-). André Edited May 31, 2013 by Bluesandy
Author Tom amoss Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Well it's me again. There is no one I know who thinks she will come back. Only one freiend says I need to give her time. So I hang on in the hope she will return. Yet it is leaving me in such limbo. Hanging on is so painfull. I know what I must do, I must let her go. But I have said this before, I can't I realy realy don't know how. I wish she would just come out and say, Tom forget it, is over. But she doen't do that. This week I emailed her to say I miss you. She just ignored it. So why didn't she reply back with a, get lost, or something. Its Hard enough having to work with her, we email work stuff, but as soom as I get to personal matter, its a blank. This morning I am really feeling it. I haven't the guts to call her and say "right where are we, is it just time you need, are we really finished", if I do this it will back her into a corner and she will problely say yes, but if I give more time I suffer. Suffer either way. Tom
Shocked Suzie Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 maybe her silence is to avoid hurting your feelings... If your that torn, just ask her..email her, at least then you will know and you can then stop the torment it was the not knowing that i found the hardest...once there is direction you can start the healing process SS x
Author Tom amoss Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 OK, I am meeting her at 2,and it going to be "Put Up Or Shut Up" I need to know one way or other. I just hope I can Man up to this when I see her. I hope to report back with a positive, if not then it will be divorce, and house sell. Please pray for me. Tom 1
Shocked Suzie Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 OK, I am meeting her at 2,and it going to be "Put Up Or Shut Up" I need to know one way or other. I just hope I can Man up to this when I see her. I hope to report back with a positive, if not then it will be divorce, and house sell. Please pray for me. Tom All the best Tom, I think it's better to just know where you stand and then move in one direction
Bluesandy Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 OK, I am meeting her at 2,and it going to be "Put Up Or Shut Up" I need to know one way or other. I just hope I can Man up to this when I see her. I hope to report back with a positive, if not then it will be divorce, and house sell. Please pray for me. Tom I will... Courage...
Bluesandy Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 maybe her silence is to avoid hurting your feelings... If your that torn, just ask her..email her, at least then you will know and you can then stop the torment it was the not knowing that i found the hardest...once there is direction you can start the healing process SS x I second that... She doesn't know how to handle your pain, so she prefer to avoid you.. Not knowing the direction is terrible.. When I found out she was with her boss, it was easier for me to stick to my 'Forget about her' decision, cause I knew she will stick with him at least 3 years (love is blind for 3 years you know..). So I didn't have any choice that move on, couldn't wait any longer alone.....
Author Tom amoss Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Ok Back now from our 3 hour chat. On the line, we either start talks on where we went wrong,or we divorce, sell the house and fold the business. Ok not as direct as that but it all came up. We did have quite an honest chat where things went wrong, and her stance was a lot softer than the first two weeks of the separation. The result of this was that she admitted she didn’t love me,and has not for a few years. BUT, she said she would like us to meet on a regular basis,and see what we can rekindle. We will meet for work, and to go out by ourselves etc. I asked her three times are you sure you want to do this,and she said she did, and that she thought the marriage was worth it. So there you are…. She doesn’t love me. That’s not surprising. But can she rekindle that love, knowing who I am, what we had? Is this positive? Can this happen? What are the chances here? Am I hoping for nothing? Not too sure how I feel yet. Your view would be more than welcome Tom
Bluesandy Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 yep, that's positive... just slow down... she needs space.. actually may be you took to much space and she wants to see where she stand up by herself... If she had someone, she would have been more closed... or may be it is not working the way she thought it would be or she wants to play on both way cause the other guy is far, and not as committed.. By all meaning, she let you a chance, so don't blow it up.. Actually, by all your emails, you seem to be someone who has a lot to say but may be not as opened to the other person to listen to.. So let her speak about her feeling.. don't talk about yours... let her know you are very capable of listening, then understand... please, you certainly have to change the way you interact with her, may be she is wounded.. so just slow down and let her epress herself.. you will earn a lot of points...
Author Tom amoss Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 yes! you do have the messure of me, I can talk endlesly about my feelings. thanks for that.
Shocked Suzie Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 what does she think is missing?? why does she feel this way?? are you going to start regular counseling ??
Author Tom amoss Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 what does she think is missing?? Not too sure what you mean, why does she feel this way?? Or this, sorry are you going to start regular counseling ?? I hope so, i am going to ask my counseller if she will see the twoof us. i am not out of the wood yet, and I know this is only a small life line, but I really Really hope that this is a good start. We are meeting up on Sunday for lunch.
Shocked Suzie Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 what does she think is missing?? Not too sure what you mean, why does she feel this way?? Or this, sorry are you going to start regular counseling ?? I hope so, i am going to ask my counseller if she will see the twoof us. i am not out of the wood yet, and I know this is only a small life line, but I really Really hope that this is a good start. We are meeting up on Sunday for lunch. Well if I told my H that I hadn't loved him for a while, there is a reason for this... If I'd fallen out of love for my H it would be because there is some sort of void either within myself or within my relationship?? Have you asked her why she feels she hasn't loved you for the past few years??
coaches24 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Sounds like we are in a very similar boat here. My feelings are that if you still love her and she is willing to try and work on things and see what happens that it's worth a shot. In all honesty I think the odds are long that she can get the feelings back but it is a chance and if you feel like what you had before her feelings came to light made you happy in life then that is all you need to know in order to fight for what you want. Not everyone will agree, and some here may think you should get out now but I just can't see breaking it off permanently with your wife if you were happy before all this and she is willing to try and work on things. The fact she thinks the marriage is worth working on means she saw good things in the relationship as well. Keep doing counseling, really listen to what she has to say, and be as honest as you can about what you want as well. One of two things will happen in the end. She realizes she does love you and you come out stronger than before as a couple and regain a happy life together, or one of you decide it's not going to work and you end up divorcing. All that trying really does in the worst case scenario is delay the divorcing and all that comes with it including the moving on with your own life. May cause more pain for a longer time as you go through the MC process but really if you are afraid of getting hurt more and unwilling to take that chance then there is no chance of saving anything. In any relationship new or old you have to be willing to our yourself out there and risk getting hurt. Ok Back now from our 3 hour chat. On the line, we either start talks on where we went wrong,or we divorce, sell the house and fold the business. Ok not as direct as that but it all came up. We did have quite an honest chat where things went wrong, and her stance was a lot softer than the first two weeks of the separation. The result of this was that she admitted she didn’t love me,and has not for a few years. BUT, she said she would like us to meet on a regular basis,and see what we can rekindle. We will meet for work, and to go out by ourselves etc. I asked her three times are you sure you want to do this,and she said she did, and that she thought the marriage was worth it. So there you are…. She doesn’t love me. That’s not surprising. But can she rekindle that love, knowing who I am, what we had? Is this positive? Can this happen? What are the chances here? Am I hoping for nothing? Not too sure how I feel yet. Your view would be more than welcome Tom 2
Shocked Suzie Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I think if there is a hope of saving your marriage then you should try...i think you have the right and should ask some questions so things can be corrected...she must have been in a pretty low place if she felt that leaving was the best option...MC all the way, show her that you love her...don't be a door mat though SS x
Author Tom amoss Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Hi, as to why she doesn’t love me, I need to find out, yesterday wasn't really the time for that. but When we meet Sunday, may be then. I realise I need to take my time and very slowly. I hope this is going to work, and I hope I can contain my optimism, and not totally blow her away. This is going to be very hard, as there are no guarantees. Tom
Bluesandy Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 (edited) Hi, as to why she doesn’t love me, I need to find out, yesterday wasn't really the time for that. but When we meet Sunday, may be then. I realise I need to take my time and very slowly. I hope this is going to work, and I hope I can contain my optimism, and not totally blow her away. This is going to be very hard, as there are no guarantees. Tom Don't expect anything from her yet.. just close your mouth and try to get why she felt that way and as suzy said, what does she missed from you.. this is crucial.. Don't be frontal, be nice, engage the talks, nicely.. If she doesn't answer your question, ask another one, and may be get back on that question later on with another way... Your target on sunday is not to get a yes I want to go back with you, but just to get some answers of what is going on on her head... then, you will have several others steps to move on with her.. Edited June 7, 2013 by Bluesandy 1
2.50 a gallon Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 You have been given a chance most separated men dream of. The most important thing you can do is listen. Don't try to defend yourself and your actions. Her negative feelings about you are real, they come from her heart. From your point of view you might see them as misguided, but understand, to her they are real, whether they are misguided are not. Ask questions, how can we make this better? What do you need from me? What changes can I make? But to be honest, do not be disappointed if she can't give you answers for all of your questions 2
LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Hi, as to why she doesn’t love me, I need to find out, yesterday wasn't really the time for that. Tom Tom, one other thing from what I am learning - you need to recognize that most of the change that needs to occur to salvage you marriage will need to be done by her. There's nothing you can do to change her feelings if she does not decided to change herself. 4
Author Tom amoss Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 failed: Its divorce: now i give up: Life is nothing
aMguilts Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Tom, one other thing from what I am learning - you need to recognize that most of the change that needs to occur to salvage you marriage will need to be done by her. There's nothing you can do to change her feelings if she does not decided to change herself. NO, no helloooo NO you are so wrong You CANT change the other person!!!!!! and if you really love them....why WOULD you WANT to change them? OP you wanna save your marriage? stop ...trying to save it!!!! aM 1
aMguilts Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 failed: Its divorce: now i give up: Life is nothing tom you really want to see it like that???? "life is nothing" ?? are you living with cancer? are you nursing your sick mother? are you hungry cos you haven`t eaten for weeks? do you live in fear??? are YOU dying from some disease?? life is nothing??? wanna smack round the head so you can see what `little` you are going through? aM 1
aMguilts Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 failed: Its divorce: now i give up: Life is nothing tom ok a lot on here did try to warn you about what would happen my last post was my headstrong post now its my heart talking don`t give up regroup and just think about it for a while think about you just you, aM 1
RonaldS Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Tom, I'm sorry to hear about how everything worked out. A lot of us have been there, so we know the feeling. Now, it's all about Tom living Tom's life. It isn't really reinventing yourself. It's becoming more of who YOU are. Be Tom. There is no more 'us'. That part of your identity needs to be stored away somewhere. Now it's 'me' (or 'I'). There's a whole lot of life to be lived. A lot of it is amazing and fun and fulfilling. Some of it blows. But it's your's now, so make the most of it. Live on your terms, do the things you want to do, discover or rediscover those parts of yourself that were shelved when you were 'us'. At the same time, though, don't run from the pain. Don't hide from it or anesthetize yourself from it. Own it and learn from it. Probably doesn't do much good to you to hear this right this moment, but, you'll be fine man. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 failed: Its divorce: now i give up: Life is nothing Hi Tom, I know that you must be in empty shock and devastating pain. Like a hard kick to the head. It's okay to feel that way when you lose what's so important to you. Big fight? Stone wall? Moving on? blah blah blah they all mean the same thing. Your brain and body are going to go through some kind of Hell over the next few weeks as you accept it. Through the kicked down and over feeling you have, try to pull one thing positive that happens through your day, Even if it's just that the Sun came up. Be outside. It's better for you. I hope you find the peace and comfort that you've been looking for. She feels like the only person in the world right now. But she isn't. It's an illusion that our brains construct so that we protect our families, giving them the best chance to survive. You can find that peace and happiness elsewhere once the pain of this has worn a bit. Right now, there is someone waiting for you that doesn't even know it yet. At least, that's what my Mother always told me. It hasn't been wrong yet. 2
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