My boyfriend hit me, but I hit him first

[Feelin Frisky]

Punching implies intent to injure. I got punched in the eye by a g/f. I slapped her with open hand in instant angry retaliation. The relationship ended. The general rule I follow is no violence. But if there is, being punched versus slapped is a line between a humiliating act of anger and a humiliating act of anger with intent to injure or otherwise play fast and loose with someone else's life or faculties like mind and sight. The thought of my crazy ex punching me in the eye when my eyes were closed and I was laying on a beach getting sun still infuriates me over 20 years later. That's my damn eye. She got two nice slaps across her jaw for it. But I can't conceive of punching a woman. Now you know what kind of guy you're involved with. I don't see forgiveness after want of injury acted upon. Deal-breaker and crime.

[WhoreyBull]

I myself am guilty of starting more than a few physical fights when dating in my youth. I realize now I just couldn't handle the stressors that come with leading my own life let alone worrying about someone else. I was too immature to be able to discuss issues as they came up, and so I would act in an immature way. Retaliation in the face of immaturity is to be expected from another immature person. Two immature people shouldn't be dating each other.

 

I think you need to be more concerned about your financial issues. It might not be the right time for you to have a relationship, or not one with someone you need to spend 30 dollars to see who is also struggling... Those things put strain on people.

[samsungxoxo]

I specifically registered to respond to this thread!

 

I cant believe the responses of some of the hypocritic halfwits on this thread!

Both parties made bad choices, but she initiated the attack.

It would appear that she lost control and physically attacked him with the intention of doing harm. Did she expect him to just stand there and just take it? I could imagine he just got pissed off and then did the same thing she just did to him. Only she initiated it. If the scenario were captured on video and shown to a courtroom she should at least be considered for a charge of assault. I might advise that the boyfriend also submit a police report for battery and assault against her. Though it will probably go no where and be mocked since big strong men are not taken seriously when they are attacked by the fairer sex. So all you ladies want enlightened men who treat you with respect and equality? Door swings both ways ladies. As far as I am concerned she made all the wrong moves. She verbally and physically abused the guy. (who was stoned no less!) and then was terrified when after attacking somebody who was bigger and stronger than her they retaliated and she got her ass kicked. She had so many options available to her. She could have just left then broke up with his miserable self. OP dont get me wrong I have read your posts and I respect that you take responsibility for your role in the incident. My advice for you is that your Bf is in a rough spot and due to his actions of slacking and drug use he is currently somewhat of an undisciplined douchebag, sweet though he may have been once. He is the only person who can take responsibilty for the direction of his life and for now he is not good for a relationship. Separate from him and give him space to get his life in order if he can. Then maybe entertain going back if he is worthy. As for the mob of clucking hens screaming that he is an abusive animal that should get arrested and she has been so victimized. Get over yourself! You shout from the rooftops to end domestic violence against women. Same rule applies for men.

The days of shaming men for reporting women who commit physical violence are soon coming to an end.

So basically if I slapped someone but want to leave afterwards and not continue, does that really give the other person the rights to chase me and instead of slapping back, go straight towards punching me and breaking my nose?

 

Or how about this? If someone slaps me, would that give me the rights to break his/her face with a baseball bat?

 

We're not a hypocrite. That loser overdid it and you just can't use excessive force just because you got mad they threw a lame hit first. Finally, if he was so pissed off then he could have walked away and reported it or break up but all he did was stooped down to the level of a lowlife. Punching and choking someone after they threw a few lame shots in your arms (that wasn't even painful) is definitely an overreaction. This makes me think he would have that reaction too if she continues staying with him. He is an abusive animal. He could have kill her (getting choked out can kill you).

 

I seriously hope this is a troll post. Very few men get happy upon seeing a woman in pain or crying after getting hurt (most would immediately asked if she's ok or wouldn't even dream about making her cry). By any chance are you in the bodybuilding.com member?

Edited April 15, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[nonymoose]

So basically if I slapped someone but want to leave afterwards and not continue, does that really give the other person the rights to chase me and instead of slapping back, go straight towards punching me and breaking my nose?

 

Or how about this? If someone slaps me, would that give me the rights to break his/her face with a baseball bat?

 

We're not a hypocrite. That loser overdid it and you just can't use excessive force just because you got mad they threw a lame hit first. Finally, if he was so pissed off then he could have walked away and report but all he did was stooped down to the level of a lowlife. Punching and choking someone after they threw a few lame shots in your arms (that wasn't even painful) is definitely an overreaction. This makes me think he would have that reaction too if she continues staying with him. He is an abusive animal. He could have kill her (getting choked out can kill you).

 

I never indicated that his retaliation against her was right or justified in any way. She made a serious mistake by attacking someone who could apply excessive force in the first place. The fact that she was physically weaker than the man does not give her a pass to indiscriminately slap, hit or attack anybody. She is still guilty of assault and her physical limitations do not give her a pass. Who stooped to the level of a lowlife? I say she did.

[samsungxoxo]

I never indicated that his retaliation against her was right or justified in any way. She made a serious mistake by attacking someone who could apply excessive force in the first place. The fact that she was physically weaker than the man does not give her a pass to indiscriminately slap, hit or attack anybody. She is still guilty of assault and her physical limitations do not give her a pass. Who stooped to the level of a lowlife? I say she did.

I don't care who started it. All this ''but he/she started it first'' is childish to me. They still didn't make you strike back harder. It was your own choice to hit. Do you realize he could have kill her by choking her out (he only needed a bit more presure)? That's called attempted murder.

 

If this was your sister, you would be ok with her staying with him and blaming herself 100%???

 

Actually this is even better. Your sister does the same as the OP did and the guy overdoes it by punching her to the point of sending her to the hospital and she might lose an eye. Would you have the nerves to still say ''Well you are to blame too for slapping his arm, you should be arrested too''?

Edited April 15, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[nonymoose]

I don't care who started it. Do you realize he could have kill her by choking her out (he only needed a bit more presure)? That's called attempted murder.

If this was your sister, you would be ok with her staying with him and blaming herself 100%???

 

Do you realize that she could have maimed, blinded, or scarred him with her strike when she initially attacked him? That is also called attempted murder.

As far as my sister ( I have one) I would not be OK with her staying with him. I would also chew her ass for initiating physical violence against another person when she could have just walked away.

You are right though. With his superior physical strength being a man and all It is highly probable he had the ability to choke the life from her..... but he did not. That would lead me to believe he had better impulse control than the girl who attacked him.

[samsungxoxo]

As to why one would hit or challenge someone bigger and stronger than them, it happens. Perhaps they were just a bit upset at that moment but usually that person doesn't want to fight you, he/she is just saying ''Back off will you''.

 

Ok I'll give an example where I challenged another girl to a fight back in 7th grade. Mind you, she was already 16-17 years old, heavier than me and 5'7 (now I'm her height and have gained pounds but I was like 3-4 inches shorter then; well I was 12/13.... but yes I still told her ''fight me'').

 

Did I had the intention of fighting her badly? Nope

 

Did I knew she could have beaten me easily? Yes, I did

 

So why did I challenge her still? I was upset in hearing her talk smack about me (and she pretended to be my friend; on top of that I was taunted on everyday) and maybe ego got into me. When you're mad, you don't care if they're stronger and bigger than you.

 

She wouldn't fight me until I stuck out two middle fingers at her and smiled. That's when she aimed for a punch but I blocked her arm on time and she missed her eye. If I haven't, I would have ended up with a black eye.

 

Did I regretted it? Not really, I still hated her guts then and would have challenged her again if not for the teachers. It takes more guts to challenge someone bigger than stronger than someone weaker than you.

 

Anyway, after a while we were on ok terms again and she started talking to me. But it didn't take away that she was a hypocrite.

[samsungxoxo]

Do you realize that she could have maimed, blinded, or scarred him with her strike when she initially attacked him?

The only difference is she threw lame punches in his arm but was walking away afterwards. I don't hear the OP saying about punching or clawing his face to the point of drawing blood.

 

Her hits were more of an ''Leave me alone'' type of reaction while his were ''Now I'm gonna beat the hell out of you'' thing.

 

The OP was upset but had no intention of seriously injuring otherwise she would have gotten a weapon or knife. The OP's bf did retaliate with the intention of hurting her. Maybe if he had only slapped her arm in return or lightly in the face then it would have been more understanding and I wouldn't be too hard on that guy but what he did earns him the classification of an animal.

[samsungxoxo]

I hate to inform you but I would be more scared if my father threatened to attack me than my mother.

 

With my mother trying to attack me, I would take it as a joke and easily pushed her away or simply grabbed her arms if she were to get that crazy.

 

With my father, if he ever tries to ever very violent with me or hits me first, I would be forced to kick him in his privates or do any measure to get him away from me, then walk away.

[nonymoose]

As to why one would hit or challenge someone bigger and stronger than them, it happens. Perhaps they were just a bit upset at that moment but usually that person doesn't want to fight you, he/she is just saying ''Back off will you''.

 

Ok I'll give an example where I challenged another girl to a fight back in 7th grade. Mind you, she was already 16-17 years old, heavier than me and 5'7 (now I'm her height and have gained pounds but I was like 3-4 inches shorter then; well I was 12/13.... but yes I still told her ''fight me'').

 

Did I had the intention of fighting her badly? Nope

 

Did I knew she could have beaten me easily? Yes, I did

 

So why did I challenge her still? I was upset in hearing her talk smack about me (and she pretended to be my friend; on top of that I was taunted on everyday) and maybe ego got into me. When you're mad, you don't care if they're stronger and bigger than you.

 

She wouldn't fight me until I stuck out two middle fingers at her and smiled. That's when she aimed for a punch but I blocked her arm on time and she missed her eye. If I haven't, I would have ended up with a black eye.

 

Did I regretted it? Not really, I still hated her guts then and would have challenged her again if not for the teachers. It takes more guts to challenge someone bigger than stronger than someone weaker than you.

 

Anyway, after a while we were on ok terms again and she started talking to me. But it didn't take away that she was a hypocrite.

 

I get the idea that people can get angry or upset and that they might feel the need to hit / lash out at the people who made them upset. It happens even if that person is larger or physically stronger. Unfortunately it doesnt make it right.

 

In adult western society people initiating physical attacks are pretty much frowned upon and in most cases considered a crime. Law of the jungle style grudges/fueds/clashes are not considered acceptable today. pistols at 20 paces? sword fights? duels? Do the names Hatfields and Mccoys ring any bells?

 

Your example of challenging a girl to fight in 7th grade unfortunately shows a time in your youth where the only solution to your problems was to challenge a girl who was bigger and older than you to a fight. You felt that this girl was talking trash about you. so you goaded her into taking a swing at you. Which she did. The teachers move in and break up the fight that you started.

 

The sad thing about this story is that the only way you could resolve this situation was to fight her. Worse was that you thought you had won. If you had met her in a dark alley and she wanted to beat your ass do you think it would have ended well? What is even worse was that you realized she was a backstabbing hypocritical bitch who would talk trash about you behind your back and should not be trusted yet you took her back as a friend or at least an aquaintance.

[samsungxoxo]

What is even worse was that you realized she was a backstabbing hypocritical bitch who would talk trash about you behind your back and should not be trusted yet you took her back as a friend or at least an aquaintance.

I know but back then I was teased every single day by others too (only 1 or 2 classmates would talk to me and was called ugly a couple of times). At the same time, I wanted someone to talk to me so I wouldn't feel alone. Luckily the verbal/emotional bullying ended when I entered HS.

 

If I would have been either a popular girl with friends or at least get treated with respect and getting supported by many then I wouldn't even be her aquaintance.

[nonymoose]

I know but back then I was teased every single day by others too (only 1 or 2 classmates would talk to me and was called ugly a couple of times). At the same time, I wanted someone to talk to me so I wouldn't feel alone. Luckily the verbal/emotional bullying ended when I entered HS.

 

If I would have been either a popular girl with friends or at least get treated with respect and getting supported by many then I wouldn't even be her aquaintance.

 

Sorry hon.

 

For what its worth I had similar problems myself.

I got into trouble as a kid when I lashed out at a bully and hurt him.

Luckily I grew up and got some perspective.

 

childhood is hard sometimes for all us oddball blacksheep out there.

 

per survivor

 

Outwit / Outplay / Outlast!

[samsungxoxo]

Sorry hon.

 

For what its worth I had similar problems myself.

I got into trouble as a kid when I lashed out at a bully and hurt him.

Luckily I grew up and got some perspective.

 

childhood is hard sometimes for all us oddball blacksheep out there.

 

per survivor

 

Outwit / Outplay / Outlast!

It's ok. I got over it. I wouldn't even remind them if I were to ever bump into any of them.

I don't even want an apology as I would start wondering if they are doing it because they're undergoing a current crisis unrelated to back then. If I did my response would be something like ''Why are you apologizing? This was ages ago, I'm already 26 years old.

Edited April 15, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Chris516]

I specifically registered to respond to this thread!

 

I cant believe the responses of some of the hypocritic halfwits on this thread!

Both parties made bad choices, but she initiated the attack.

It would appear that she lost control and physically attacked him with the intention of doing harm. Did she expect him to just stand there and just take it? I could imagine he just got pissed off and then did the same thing she just did to him. Only she initiated it. If the scenario were captured on video and shown to a courtroom she should at least be considered for a charge of assault. I might advise that the boyfriend also submit a police report for battery and assault against her. Though it will probably go no where and be mocked since big strong men are not taken seriously when they are attacked by the fairer sex. So all you ladies want enlightened men who treat you with respect and equality? Door swings both ways ladies. As far as I am concerned she made all the wrong moves. She verbally and physically abused the guy. (who was stoned no less!) and then was terrified when after attacking somebody who was bigger and stronger than her they retaliated and she got her ass kicked. She had so many options available to her. She could have just left then broke up with his miserable self. OP dont get me wrong I have read your posts and I respect that you take responsibility for your role in the incident. My advice for you is that your Bf is in a rough spot and due to his actions of slacking and drug use he is currently somewhat of an undisciplined douchebag, sweet though he may have been once. He is the only person who can take responsibilty for the direction of his life and for now he is not good for a relationship. Separate from him and give him space to get his life in order if he can. Then maybe entertain going back if he is worthy. As for the mob of clucking hens screaming that he is an abusive animal that should get arrested and she has been so victimized. Get over yourself! You shout from the rooftops to end domestic violence against women. Same rule applies for men.

The days of shaming men for reporting women who commit physical violence are soon coming to an end.

 

I totally agree with this! My (ex)fiance lied to police right in front of me.(someone else called them) They bought her lies hook-line-and-sinker. It was totally unfathomable to everyone that knew her, that she was emotionally abusive to me.

 

Not only that. She could easily run to a women's shelter(or if she didn't, someone would gladly take her), claim I was being abusive and no one would question the validity of what she was claiming. But when I wanted the same assistance, I was told that, I would have to find it on my own. I ended up going to a women's services center and talking to a counselor who had a background knowledge of women that had been abused in childhood, and how those women used their childhood abuse againsr every man they get romantically involved with.

Edited April 19, 2013 by Chris516

[Fugu]

Here's the bottom line for the women reading this thread: a guy hits you, and it's over. Period. End of story. No looking back. Abuse is all about past behavior laying the groundwork for future behavior. If you return after being abused, you're telling the guy that it's okay to beat you up. You might not want to agree with that assessment, but that's how it is in reality.

 

I do agree that she escalated an emotional argument into a physical argument, which was not wise. Even so, there was no need for what happened afterward. That was a calculated decision to launch a full-on physical assault. Completely unjustified. If you don't want to get the police involved, fair enough, but at minimum, leave and never speak to the 'man' again.

[Taramere]

I let my anger get the best of me and I got up and jabbed him in the arm a couple of times. Then I walked across the room to grab my purse and my lap top bag so that I could leave. For 2 minutes I was gathering my things and then all of a sudden he swooped up behind me. grabbed me by the neck and started choking me out. He threw me on the bed and started punching my face and told me to never ****ing hit him again.

 

Do you realize that she could have maimed, blinded, or scarred him with her strike when she initially attacked him?

 

 

She could have blinded him? That's certainly a new one on me. I've never met a person whose eyes were located on their arm - or did I miss a revisal by the OP to her original account of this episode?

 

With his superior physical strength being a man and all It is highly probable he had the ability to choke the life from her..... but he did not. That would lead me to believe he had better impulse control than the girl who attacked him.

 

I think you need to have a word with yourself, if you believe that somebody who chokes a person and then punches them repeatedly in the face has better impulse control than somebody who jabs another person in the arm.

[samsungxoxo]

I do agree that she escalated an emotional argument into a physical argument, which was not wise. Even so, there was no need for what happened afterward. That was a calculated decision to launch a full-on physical assault. Completely unjustified. If you don't want to get the police involved, fair enough, but at minimum, leave and never speak to the 'man' again.

This and esp the bolded sentence. I don't care about this so called ''But it's equality age'' in this case. Screw that; it's time for some people to stop taking equality too literally. That guy took 2 whole minutes to answer back and he did it in a very out-of control way, definitely disproportional towards the OP's response. All he needed was to press her throat a bit harder and the he would have killed her.

 

What's worst is the guy didn't even feel say nor wonder if she was ok afterwards.

[samsungxoxo]

She could have blinded him? That's certainly a new one on me. I've never met a person whose eyes were located on their arm - or did I miss a revisal by the OP to her original account of this episode?

I know right. That response seemed strange.

I think you need to have a word with yourself, if you believe that somebody who chokes a person and then punches them repeatedly in the face has better impulse control than somebody who jabs another person in the arm.

These are people who are taking ''equality'' too literal. According to them if you even push someone, you deserve a full KO punch.

 

But I believe OP wrote an updated on another thread and said she dumped him already. If so good for her.

[samsungxoxo]

Far too easy to just talk when you're not in the situation. What she did was just as wrong, it doesn't matter who did it worse. That's why she isn't calling the police. Calling the police won't solve anything. If she doesn't tell them that she didn't hit him she's not being entirely honest. If she does tell them she hit him first then she the one can be charged. On top of that it could just make him more angry and just make the situation worse.

 

The whole I'm innocent because I'm female just doesn't fly with me.

 

I know for one thing if a woman ever hits me I'm gone. I won't hit her but I surely wouldn't put up with it.

He's lucky the OP is not me. I would have immediately have him charged for attempted murder; choking is trying to kill someone. The OP's empathy level is high toward him. Mine is low.

[Taramere]

These are people who are taking ''equality'' too literal. According to them if you even push someone, you deserve a full KO punch.

 

I doubt that mindset has much to do with equality. More likely it stems from an "anybody who f*cks with me will be sorry - I'll show that bitch who's boss/dish it back tenfold, nemo me impune lacessit etc" attitude.

 

They feel entitled to grossly overreact and probably feel fairly proud of overreacting - but then the legal consequences of their violent and antisocial overreactions hit them, and they transform into outraged victim.

[samsungxoxo]

This is why I don't trust many women they tend to go to extremes. You weren't there. If chocking is attempted murder then professional wrestlers, MMA fighters would be charged. But that's not necessarily the case. Also she was using physical force. Mind you that's no reason to choke or punch someone. However the person need to take some responsibility because it wouldn't happen in the first place if she didn't hit him in the place.

And if she hasn't hit him, it would take her a while to find out what type of loser he is.

 

According to her updated post, he also has other character flaws besides his violent streak. I think she mention about how he didn't buy her anything for her birthday on purpose and how he keeps calling her bad names. A loser indeed.

 

MMA fighting is an sport and those wrestlers are expected to deliver those moves and blows. What happened in this story wasn't an sport.

 

Reporting a man for overracting to a lame tap on the arm and going to the extreme of choking and repetively punching me isn't going ''extreme''. If her were to only push me away then that's a different story. In that case, I wouldn't say anything.

Edited May 2, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[samsungxoxo]

I doubt that mindset has much to do with equality. More likely it stems from an "anybody who f*cks with me will be sorry - I'll show that bitch who's boss/dish it back tenfold, nemo me impune lacessit etc" attitude.

 

They feel entitled to grossly overreact and probably feel fairly proud of overreacting - but then the legal consequences of their violent and antisocial overreactions hit them, and they transform into outraged victim.

Indeed and that's not self-defense but retaliation. Long ago I was reading on the www.bodybuilding.com site a male poster who claimed that he would give a woman a black eye for spitting at him.

 

And they were freely talking just like that? But I'm wondering... what woman would be calmed down after that and not report them? Sure she was wrong but come on, it's not like you were really scared and didn't had any other options. The term they these guys at that site use is: black knights. These guys hate white knights that would rather walked away than stoop to the woman's level. But in reality the ''white knights'' are right. Black knights suck and come to think of it, that's a good reason why there are less of us acting like a so called ''lady'' they expect. A lady hates a black knight.

Edited May 2, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Fugu]

Far too easy to just talk when you're not in the situation. What she did was just as wrong, it doesn't matter who did it worse. That's why she isn't calling the police. Calling the police won't solve anything. If she doesn't tell them that she didn't hit him she's not being entirely honest. If she does tell them she hit him first then she the one can be charged. On top of that it could just make him more angry and just make the situation worse.

 

The whole I'm innocent because I'm female just doesn't fly with me.

 

I know for one thing if a woman ever hits me I'm gone. I won't hit her but I surely wouldn't put up with it.

 

I didn't say she was innocent; I was simply pointing out to her that it's dangerous for her to stay with a guy who would do this to her. Your point that she should not have escalated the confrontation - even a little bit - into a physical one is well-taken, but there's a difference between poking someone in a bit of frustration and then coming back seconds later and just beating the stuffing out her. Keep in mind, too, that he was acting like a complete @ss before that point, to the point of tossing money in her face, so it's not like she just started poking him for giggles and sh*ts. Hell, even if the victim were a guy, I think most men would call that a sucker punch. If the guy had grabbed her arm and jerked her in the heat of the moment, that might at least be somewhat understandable, though even then still inexcusable. But the whole sequence of events just reminds me of a leopard stalking prey.

[samsungxoxo]

There are men that are abused by women. The men don't hit back because they fear they will get charged or even report it because they will call him a wussy or laughed. It usually starts out small and gets progressively worse.

I don't doubt there is but he's just as fool as the women who take back their abusers. Walk away the first time it happens and don't stoop down to their level. Otherwise you're just as bad as the abuser.

They were both in the wrong. If she didn't hit him first then i can't really say anything.

True but I still hope she keeps her promise in her other updated thread and never contacts him again:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/388319-i-finally-left-him-why-do-i-feel-bad-him

[Taramere]

Indeed and that's not self-defense but retaliation. Long ago I was reading on the www.bodybuilding.com site a male poster who claimed that he would give a woman a black eye for spitting at him.

 

I think I'll give clicking on that link a miss. It sounds like the kind of thing I've already seen too much of on the internet.

 

 

These guys hate white knights that would rather walked away than stoop to the woman's level. But in reality the ''white knights'' are right. Black knights suck and come to think of it, that's a good reason why there are less of us acting like a so called ''lady'' they expect. A lady hates a black knight.

 

Whether it's down to books they've read, films they've seen, the websites they spend too much time on or the music they listen to I don't know...but the upshot seems to be that they have a fixed idea that they will be loved by the right people ("women of value" etc) for being a black knight.

 

When they find that instead they are rejected for it, they retreat into the narcissistic rage that those sites seem to exist primarily to cater to.