My boyfriend hit me, but I hit him first

[samsungxoxo]

There should not be a double standard. Women should not hit men first and then cry assault when they get hit back.

I think it's the amount of force used that most would be arguing. For instance, being slapped doesn't excused it for getting punched several times to the point of bruising. Yes, while the slapping might have been wrong, in this instance the other person would be the one in jail for assault.

Continue to assault in pure retaliation as if to you ''I'll teach you a lesson now'' will get you charged.

I don't understand what the OP is doing with a lowlife who can't finish college because he likes to get stoned.

This... I don't get that either. Some women walked away from a man that has no ambitions nor goals towards the future.

[amaysngrace]

He hit you and hurt you and makes you so angry you jab him.

 

He smokes pot, can't finish school, lives home with his mommy and isn't even respectful enough to offer you help in your traveling expenses and makes you beg and says you're the one who wanted to see him like he is a prize and you are beneath him.

 

Then he doesn't even check up to see if you are okay.

 

Why would you let anybody treat you so badly?????

[samsungxoxo]

He hit you and hurt you and makes you so angry you jab him.

 

He smokes pot, can't finish school, lives home with his mommy and isn't even respectful enough to offer you help in your traveling expenses and makes you beg and says you're the one who wanted to see him like he is a prize and you are beneath him.

 

Then he doesn't even check up to see if you are okay.

 

Why would you let anybody treat you so badly?????

OP please, once again PLEASE listen to this post (esp that last sentence in black).

 

I'm going to tell you one clear example that happened with my ex bf:

Mind you, he was only 1/2 taller than me (I'm 5'7) and about 10-12 Ibs lighter so he would have never carry me.

Ok to the point: We were playing cops and robbers and then wrestling (for fun and because I'm times I liked playing tough... a bit of a tomboy I guess). Anyway I was suppose to be this bad burglar that's resisting arrest and wrestling the cop. At some point when he got to restraining me, he said about hearing a cracking sound on one of my wrist.

 

Suddenly he stops and is like ''Are you ok, I'm sorry''. I really heard nothing nor even felt it but he still looked concerned. Needless to say, I told him to continue the game.

 

See what I mean? Most guys would immediately care if they even thought for one second that their gf got hurt.

[samsungxoxo]

Another example:

My ex bf would still pinned me when we were playing wrestling. I recalled he once told me something like this:

 

If we ever got into a horrible argument and you started hitting me, I wouldn't really need to do much. I wouldn't fight you. I'll just block you with my arms and hold you till you calmed down. I would pinned when we were wrestling, you couldn't escape me.

[Blondie1]

I'm not going to file a police report. It'd ruin his life, and he would never forgive me. His family would never forgive me and all of his friends would hate me. I just want to figure out a way out of this. And I want to know how he's feeling. I went to sleep hoping that when I woke up he would have called or texted or something. But nothing. I'm scared he's really angry with me and will want nothing to do with me after starting a physical fight. No he shouldn't hit a girl, but I provoked him, and I am willing to accept responsibility for that. He would have never hit me if I didn't hit him first. I won't play the victim. I just want to work things out. Should I call him or wait for him to call?

 

You should be more worried about how you are going to forgive yourself if you let someone get away with treating you this way.

 

This guy is bad news. He didnt just hit you.......he put his hand around your throat and choked you.....more than likely to make you shut up, but he could have killed you easily.

 

He will do it again.........whether or not you provoke him. If you're not going to the police then at least get counseling to help you understand why you would tolerate someone treating you the way he does.

 

Blondie

[KraftDinner]

If you punched him in the arm and then he smoked your arm back with all his might, then I could understand those who are saying "what do you expect" or implying you provoked him and deserved it, or saying violence is violence, neither is worse than the other.

 

Give me a BREAK. Equating punching someone in the arm with choking someone and punching them in the face? Seriously? Are you so unable to see beyond the black and white?

 

OP, you did NOT provoke or deserve this.

 

But I want to shake you. What is wrong with you??????? You care what he thinks? What his family thinks? He doesn't give two ****s that he could have KILLED you.

 

He sounds like an utter loser, one who can't control his temper, thinks absolutely nothing of you and would rather smoke weed than finish school.

 

To say you are scraping the bottom of the barrel is an understatement. Look, I don't mean to kick you when you're down, but smarten the hell up.

 

You need serious help. (He does too, as well as jail time, but that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.) Stay away from him!!!!!!!

Edited March 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LikeAnnaB]

I've been with him for 3 years now. I can't just leave him because I feel like he needs me to help him change. And I'll feel so shallow if I just leave him now because he's not super successful, and then later on in life he becomes successful and I feel stupid for leaving him when he needs me the most. You're supposed to stick with people even when they are low. Not just when they are successful. I don't know why he hasn't called me. It really hurts my feelings. I'm guessing maybe he's through with me then. I also feel responsible for his bad grades. When we first started talking in 2008, and I found out later on that he had failed so many classes (he didn't tell me the truth about his grade til about 2011), he said he failed because of me and the time he was spending with me and that's why he now has friends who smoke pot and that's why he is a addicted, because he has to go to a community college where he is surrounded by pot smokers. And I just feel so horrible. Like I'm the reason for his downfall.

 

I just want to help him be a better person. I want to help him be driven.

[AlexDP]

File a report and stay away from him forever. Your relationship is over, don't even speak to him ever again.

 

Sorry that this happened to you.

 

And no, you didn't 'cause' this or ask for it. Sure, jabbing him in the arm was wrong but his reaction was brutal and violent with intent to really harm/hurt you! which he did.

 

Go to the hospital, get xrays and medical care too. Call your family, let them help you through this.

 

He has issues, not only with the anger but drugs as well. He is lazy, doesn't do anything and even if he hadn't hit you, getting out of this relationship will benefit you, it is going no where because he's at a stand still in his life and chooses to do nothing. Well, he chooses to be a total a.hole!

 

 

I don't think she should go to the police. From a practical point of view nothing is going to happen with the complaint anyway. The only reason she might consider going to the police is if she thinks that he is likely to stalk her, that way she has at least one prior complaint and that always looks better in court.

 

Otherwise, OP, just don't even talk to the loser again. Although you technically hit him, what he did was much much worse.

[geegirl]

People don't just change. Change happens when one becomes self-aware, it comes from deep self-reflection and the decision to change their lives around because they choose to. Most times, it never comes. People stay the way they are and even if they do change, there is no guarantee that they become who you want them to be.

 

You can't change or fix someone like this. They have to get there on their own.

 

Your thinking is skewed. Put aside the potential of him becoming successful. You are forgetting that he is still an abusive man. He can teleport to the moon tomorrow, but it won't change the fact that he can bash your face in when he gets out of control. You support people that want to change. You don't stick with people that do not want change because at a certain point, you're going to go down with them. You don't support people that physically harm you. It's not worth the self-sacrifice when you are in harms way. You don't sacrifice your own life at his expense.

 

It is not your responsibility to create a life for him. It's his responsibility to want better for himself and to become a better person.

 

Three years of bad grades and it is your fault. He was not able to tell you that he had too little time to focus on school, to help him with his studying, or to create some boundaries whereby he was able to allocate time for you and school? Yes, it's your fault that he didn't want to study or voice his concerns? It's your fault because you took too much of his time, made him fail, and then made him spiral into smoking weed?

 

Your self-esteem is completely shot. When you take blame for being abused, you're literally becoming an empty shell. You have no mind of your own. You have no boundaries. You have no sense of what's wrong and right. Just as you now shoulder the blame for someone ruining their own lives.

 

If your sister came to you and said, "Sis, boyfriend choked and punched me repeatedly because I antagonized him." I hope you don't tell her she deserved it. If your daughter came to you and said the same thing, god forbid you ever tell her she deserved it as well. That is what my mother did when my father did that to me. I deserved to have my nose broken. I deserved to have my neck in a cast for a week. I deserved to have my legs so swollen that I could not walk for days. All because I wasn't behaving right.

 

If you feel you have to sacrifice your life for this man, come what may, then keep doing what you are doing. If you can visualize, 10 years from now, being broken in an abusive relationship rather being successful, with a man that is kind, loving and supportive of you, then keep doing what you are doing.

 

Trust you will look back one day and realize that this is not love. You are as unhealthy and toxic as he is to stay in such a situation. You can be a grad student, book smart but when it comes to making healthy choices for your emotional and mental wellbeing, you're sense of worth is non-existent.

 

No one can tell you what to do. I have a feeling you're in too deep to even know what's right or wrong and just blinded by "love". The sad thing is that this will break you down slowly and before you know it, you'll be sadly wondering where the hell you went wrong.

Edited March 29, 2013 by geegirl

[LikeAnnaB]

So he just called.. he was really surprised I picked up. I didn't say much on the phone. he kept on apologizing for attacking me. and said he gave me a day to calm down and thats why he didn't call to apologize earlier. he then said he felt really bad for attacking me out of nowhere when i wasn't expecting it. I just told him everything was fine and that I'll talk to him later. I dunno. I just feel really ****ty about myself right now. like he probably even thinks I'm a loser for still talking to him. I don't have the strength to walk away from him. and now I'm sure he knows that for sure. and it makes me feel worthless

[geegirl]

So he just called.. he was really surprised I picked up. I didn't say much on the phone. he kept on apologizing for attacking me. and said he gave me a day to calm down and thats why he didn't call to apologize earlier. he then said he felt really bad for attacking me out of nowhere when i wasn't expecting it. I just told him everything was fine and that I'll talk to him later. I dunno. I just feel really ****ty about myself right now. like he probably even thinks I'm a loser for still talking to him. I don't have the strength to walk away from him. and now I'm sure he knows that for sure. and it makes me feel worthless

 

He can apologize till he is blue in the face and trust that they will do that after they hit you because they need to have that control over you again. My father used to cry and beg for forgiveness and say that he will never do it again, but everytime he was agitated or depressed with his life, he would hit me and my mom. He would blame us for his ****ty life. It's a cycle. Plus, he has a sweet deal with you. He doesn't have to put any effort into keeping you around. But he gets to reap the benefits.

 

You don't have the strength because you are broken. You have no self-worth. You believe and have accepted that this is what you deserve.

 

You bent over backwards for this man because you want to be validated by him and you want to be loved by him. You'll do anything to get him to accept and want you. Even if he bashes you in, you'll stay for hope that he'll change and be the man you want him to be rather than accept that he will not, feel the pain of that loss, move forward seeking better and aiming higher.

 

It's sad because you're only in your 20s and have such a bright future ahead of you. But you can't see past your emotions. This situation won't change because just as soon as you accept him back, you teach him that you are tolerant of the abuse he dishes on you.

[samsungxoxo]

It's sad because you're only in your 20s and have such a bright future ahead of you. But you can't see past your emotions. This situation won't change because just as soon as you accept him back, you teach him that you are tolerant of the abuse he dishes on you.

I was 19 when I was with my then bf. Even thought he was the first man I've slept with and fell in love, I recalled that earlier than that, I made it clear that if he ever hit me it would be over right away.

 

I don't know if it's age the factor or low self-esteem. I think it's most likely the latter. The OP might benefit from a counselor to find out why she thinks she can fix him.

 

OP don't listen to his apologies. No matter how many times he can say ''I'm sorry'' that still doesn't changes the fact that he attacked you badly, indicating that he has it in his character to beat up a woman.

[geegirl]

the fact that he attacked you badly, indicating that he has it in his character to beat up a woman.

 

This is how they are wired, OP. As my gf would say, "His software is coded that way." Once that side is unleashed, you know it's there and you will see it again.

 

Please listen to those that have been in situations with men that are physically violent. You cannot change him. If anything you will enable his behavior because you will teach him that abuse is acceptable.

 

Picture this. You stay with him through all this. Do you see yourself having kids with him? Can you see yourself accepting him abuse your kids? Can you see yourself explaining to your children why he gave you a black eye? Can you see yourself supporting his drug habit? Can you see yourself working three jobs because it's your fault he can't find a job since you made him smoke weed? Can you see yourself in fear of having him hit you for speaking your mind? Can you see your children afraid of their own father?

 

Stop looking at the now. Imagine what your life would be if this is what you are choosing for yourself. This is not love. You have a toxic attachment to him. Love doesn't pummel your face and choke you. Love isn't a feeling that makes you fear those you love.

[LikeAnnaB]

To be honest. I kind of think you all are making a bigger deal out of it than I think... And it's making me think twice and feel bad. He said he was sorry. And I'm pretty sure he won't do it again. If he does it again, then I'll leave him for sure...I just feel really alone and sad and confused right now.

[geegirl]

To be honest. I kind of think you all are making a bigger deal out of it than I think... And it's making me think twice and feel bad. He said he was sorry. And I'm pretty sure he won't do it again. If he does it again, then I'll leave him for sure...I just feel really alone and sad and confused right now.

 

The man punched your face repeatedly. Choked you and screamed for you to get out of his home. Don't you even feel any sort of disgust? As I said, if your daughter was treated this way, I hope you don't tell her she's making a big deal out of it. If your sister was punched and choked, I hope you never tell her she deserved it.

 

You can't grasp anything we are saying. Of course he is going to say he is sorry, he wants to get you back. You're a sweet deal for him. The fact that you are saying that if he does it again, you will leave, and NO you won't leave, is you knowing deep down inside, he can do it again.

 

Aside from the abuse, what about him has given you a healthy, fulfilling and happy relationship? He can't/won't even drive to see you. I'm sorry you feel you deserve so little for yourself.

 

I hope you find your way through this.

Edited March 29, 2013 by geegirl

[amaysngrace]

You feel worthless because that is how he treats you. He says its your fault he failed out, your fault he's in community college, your fault that he now smokes pot, your fault you needed money because you are the one who wanted to see him...

 

and now you are picking this up from him and telling yourself the same things he has been saying...

 

it's your fault that he hit you and you wonder what he now thinks of you for staying...

 

does it make a difference what he thinks of you today? Really? Because I tell you what, it isn't much less than what he thought of you last week or even last year for that matter.

 

And you want to stay and "help" him? Are you serious? You cannot even help yourself.

 

What do you even have to offer him to build him up when you aren't even whole yourself?

 

Personally I think you should take a break from him, see a counselor, get your head right and then go back to him to help him if you want.

 

But where you are at right now, sick, you actually have nothing at all to offer him to help him get well.

 

And you may feel alone currently but there are many people who feel just as you do now or have been in your shoes in the past...I am one of them. XO

[Mack05]

To be honest. I kind of think you all are making a bigger deal out of it than I think... And it's making me think twice and feel bad. He said he was sorry. And I'm pretty sure he won't do it again. If he does it again, then I'll leave him for sure...I just feel really alone and sad and confused right now.

 

Anna I honestly believe you need professionally help. People can try talk to you until they are blue in the face, but it won't make a shred of difference. I have never in my 2 years on Loveshack seen a more deluded poster. The fact you think this is all an over reaction simply stuns me!

 

This guy is going to strike out again. Let me repeat that, HE WILL HIT A WOMAN AGAIN. If you don't go to the police, you are allowing this man to potentially abuse an innocent girl in future. Can you live with yourself if this happens?

 

You are worried about what his family and friends think. God how sweet...WILL YOU WAKE UP!!!!This isn't a f***ing popularity contest. What this guy has done is shocking! The fact you don't see this as shocking and unforgivable says an awful lot about you..This is two dysfunctional people leading each other on a merry dance together. This is going to get more and more toxic.

 

You have no boundaries. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Let me tell you want I think will happen. You stay because you reckon you can't leave because he is going to be successful. I can see why you would think that. A lazy, pot smoking coward who hits women is going straight to the top...

 

Anyway you reconnect, have a great honeymoon period. He is sorry and on his best behaviour. Then at some stage (its just a matter of when) he will hit you. Except this time you won't have hit him first. I can only hope this time he doesn't kill you. Yes Anna it is that serious....

 

Eventually you break free but there is so much damage done that your future and all self esteem is gone. He then goes on and batters someone else. Now I am no tarot card reader. EVERY single poster who has replied on this thread knows already what it is going to happen.

 

If you take him back you are pathetic. Sorry if that is harsh but that is what you are. You need to report this assault to the police. It's worth it just to clear your conscious. Then make a promise to yourself to NEVER talk to this man again. Last step, get professional help.

 

If you don't follow these steps and take him back kiss goodbye to your future. Be under no illusions about that. The next decisions you make could determine what kind of life you end up leading. They are that important..

Edited March 29, 2013 by Mack05

[PogoStick]

It's amazing how much of the blame is given to the guy. The guy is clearly struggling in life. Smoking weed and failing school are symptoms, not the actual problems. He desperately needs help, love, and support. However, it's too late for them to work on this together.

 

I can't believe the people saying he's horrible and how he will hit her again when she clearly attacked him first emotionally and physically! Where is the concern for this poor man? His life is falling apart and she is kicking him while he's down. That doesn't excuse his assault but for some reason many of you are excusing hers!

 

At this point the relationship is broken. They both need all the help they can get. She MUST end the relationship. Encourage him to get professional help, hopefully get his mom involved in his recovery. Then she needs to get professional therapy to work on her own issues.

 

1. End the relationship.

2. Ask his mother to get him into recovery. End all involvement with him.

3. Get yourself into therapy and work on your own emotional issues relating to self-worth, abuse, abandonment (guessing her own parents had issues too). Your university has support services for free. Go there immediately!

[KraftDinner]

So he just called.. he was really surprised I picked up. I didn't say much on the phone. he kept on apologizing for attacking me. and said he gave me a day to calm down and thats why he didn't call to apologize earlier. he then said he felt really bad for attacking me out of nowhere when i wasn't expecting it. I just told him everything was fine and that I'll talk to him later. I dunno. I just feel really ****ty about myself right now. like he probably even thinks I'm a loser for still talking to him. I don't have the strength to walk away from him. and now I'm sure he knows that for sure. and it makes me feel worthless

 

Read about the cycle of abuse. The apology is textbook.

 

Now, you're making me mad. I'm out of this discussion. Good luck.

[geegirl]

It's amazing how much of the blame is given to the guy. The guy is clearly struggling in life. Smoking weed and failing school are symptoms, not the actual problems. He desperately needs help, love, and support. However, it's too late for them to work on this together.

 

I can't believe the people saying he's horrible and how he will hit her again when she clearly attacked him first emotionally and physically! Where is the concern for this poor man? His life is falling apart and she is kicking him while he's down. That doesn't excuse his assault but for some reason many of you are excusing hers!

 

At this point the relationship is broken. They both need all the help they can get. She MUST end the relationship. Encourage him to get professional help, hopefully get his mom involved in his recovery. Then she needs to get professional therapy to work on her own issues.

 

1. End the relationship.

2. Ask his mother to get him into recovery. End all involvement with him.

3. Get yourself into therapy and work on your own emotional issues relating to self-worth, abuse, abandonment (guessing her own parents had issues too). Your university has support services for free. Go there immediately!

 

I'm speechless. I bet out of all the posts on here, OP will read this, blame herself more, will latch to this and run back to him.

[samsungxoxo]

I'm really at lost. In my years of reading posts from abused woman, this is by far one of the most passive and kindest woman ever.

 

The guy punches her like a dude and chokes her (one of the worst thing a guy can do to us) and yet she still wants to help him finish his career, make him quit smoking and basically fix him as a person when he's the one that's suppose to be doing that!!!!

 

Basically she is taking all the blame for the whole relationship and is saying to us ''No, this guy is good, he just had a one time reaction''. To me, a one time reaction (even spitting in my face) would be enough to classified him as a scumbag, woman beater.

 

OP if you noticed, I've made a post about why we woman (well not, I'm not forgiving) tend to accept bad behaviors from men more than vice-versa on http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/375601-why-women-more-forgiving-towards-horrible-treatment

 

Interesting how biological nature may have a role. Like stated on the thread, I don't see too many men sticking away for years with a woman that would do the same exact thing the OP's bf did. Some might even strike back at some point (it's in their instict to fight back esp if it's something prolonged) or walk away and never talk to the woman again (also in their instinct to cut losses with someone that treats them horribly) but to us woman it's like we want to understand why it happened and don't have the same level of retalitory or ''get lost'' response a man would have. A normal response shouldn't be ''Oh he's sorry, maybe I shouldn't have provoke him'' but ''Ewwww I don't want to even see his face again''.

 

In fact, not too many men would tolerate cheating from a woman nor if we were to talk bad about their mother (if they have a wonderful relationship with their mother that is), yet we're accepting more bad behaviors from men!!! It's really time for many women to wake up. If men in general won't tolerate trashy behavior from us when they are you doing the opposite??

Edited March 29, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Mack05]

It's amazing how much of the blame is given to the guy. The guy is clearly struggling in life. Smoking weed and failing school are symptoms, not the actual problems. He desperately needs help, love, and support. However, it's too late for them to work on this together.

 

I can't believe the people saying he's horrible and how he will hit her again when she clearly attacked him first emotionally and physically! Where is the concern for this poor man? His life is falling apart and she is kicking him while he's down. That doesn't excuse his assault but for some reason many of you are excusing hers!

 

Interesting perspective to say the least. There is little point in you and I, going back and forth arguing about this. For me hitting a woman is the lowest of the low. A man that does this is a coward. Yes it's a black on white viewpoint, but there are some things in life I can only look at in a black and white way. Hitting a woman is one of them.

 

Ok clearly he needs help, but he will get ZERO sympathy from me. I have been through tough times. I have been hit by a woman before, yet I have never laid a finger on a woman and never will. There is no excuse for a man to ever lay a finger on a woman. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I would hate to change my viewpoint on a topic like this.

 

You look at the stats of abusers. It's rarely a one off...What does it take for you to frown upon his actions and not have concern for him? Rape? Murder? Child Abuse?

 

On another note, the OP is clearly codependent. She needs to address this sooner rather than later.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Mack05

[LikeAnnaB]

I chose my grad school based on him, so that we could be close together. I moved to his state so that the relationship could continue since he failed out of university and had to come back here to do community college. I don't know anyone or really have any friends. he's all that I have. the only person I spend my free time with. I really need him, and I can't afford to lose him right now. I know I sound stupid. But we've been together for a while and we really do love each other. I know deep down he really loves me too. A LOT. And it's pretty normal for a guy to lose their temper I've heard. I'm reading your comments and I'm starting to wonder if I really am crazy. I dunno. I feel like everyone has hit their wife or girlfriend at least once..Even though they may not admit it. it's really not his personality to get this angry. usually he's just like very nonchalant.. doesn't really care or get emotional. this wasn't really him.

[darkmoon]

wanna marry him n have his child?

[Mack05]

I chose my grad school based on him, so that we could be close together. I moved to his state so that the relationship could continue since he failed out of university and had to come back here to do community college. I don't know anyone or really have any friends. he's all that I have. the only person I spend my free time with. I really need him, and I can't afford to lose him right now. I know I sound stupid. But we've been together for a while and we really do love each other. I know deep down he really loves me too. A LOT. And it's pretty normal for a guy to lose their temper I've heard. I'm reading your comments and I'm starting to wonder if I really am crazy. I dunno. I feel like everyone has hit their wife or girlfriend at least once..Even though they may not admit it.

 

By not making the tough decisions now you are setting yourself up for theeeeeeeeee biggest fall in future. By taking him back, you are telling him that what he did was acceptable. You are 'enabling' his behaviour. You are NO IDEA just how dangerous a path you are about to take. You will regret this for the rest of your life...I promise you..

 

In answer to the bolded question above. You are crazy. Kiss goodbye to ANY chance of a happy future.

 

Buy the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie..