Mrlonelyone Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Hello all. I thought I would give you all an update and ask for your perspectives on my situation. This regards the one I will call M who I've written of here before. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/373203-update-held-hands-electricity http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/372778-held-hands-felt-spark-literally http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/371408-little-jealousy-ever-good-sign Ok. We seem to have a pattern established. We pull together, then push apart, then pull together.... (Not in the best way to do that just yet unfortunately.) Up to and including hugging and just overall physical closeness. We have been very discrete about things. One of my good friends thinks that M likes me but does not think it's OK to like me. That they will have to deal with religious guilt over it. For that reason I am likely to get hurt. What say you all?
Locust Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Push and pull. When I saw the title I thought we were going to talk about Newton Laws of Motion. LOL
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Push and pull. When I saw the title I thought we were going to talk about Newton Laws of Motion. LOL Yeah. I would call it a matter of simple harmonic motion. One day we mutually reach out to each other and the next we mutually almost shun each other. Is that remotely normal in the universe of relationships? I know there is an ebb and flow. It's been a while since I was in one.
iKING Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Yeah. I would call it a matter of simple harmonic motion. One day we mutually reach out to each other and the next we mutually almost shun each other. Is that remotely normal in the universe of relationships? I know there is an ebb and flow. It's been a while since I was in one. All is fair in love and war. Yes, things of that nature do happen. Is it normal? That depends on your definition of normal. 1
carhill Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Rubber band relationships generally occur when one or both parties aren't invested sufficiently and/or have psychological challenges in the area of relationships. Whether pushing or pulling, you have choices. Both are choices. If it isn't working for you, make different ones and see what happens. 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Rubber band relationships generally occur when one or both parties aren't invested sufficiently and/or have psychological challenges in the area of relationships. Whether pushing or pulling, you have choices. Both are choices. If it isn't working for you, make different ones and see what happens. Hmm. I like that analogy. It's like we have a rubber band of attraction pulling us together, but some emotional block or the other pushing us apart. Neither force is strong enough to win, yet.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I am not really getting a clear enough picture of what is actually going on between the two of you to have an opinion. When you talk about physical closeness - does it include things like walking holding hands, kissing, making out? Or is it the kind of physical that is appropriate between friends? Are you dating, from your own perspective? 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 I am not really getting a clear enough picture of what is actually going on between the two of you to have an opinion. When you talk about physical closeness - does it include things like walking holding hands, kissing, making out? Or is it the kind of physical that is appropriate between friends? Are you dating, from your own perspective? No kissing or making out yet. The other things you mentioned yes. "Dating" no, not by the definition you would use. See my tagline for what I would mean. We hang out. That's all.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I dunno MrLonelyOne...you seem very emotionally invested, she seems to view you as just a friend. Just the feeling I get from this is that it's more of a fantasy relationship. I used to lose a lot of time on "fantasy relationships" and would hate you to do the same. 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 I dunno MrLonelyOne...you seem very emotionally invested, she seems to view you as just a friend. Just the feeling I get from this is that it's more of a fantasy relationship. I used to lose a lot of time on "fantasy relationships" and would hate you to do the same. Perhaps. I don't think this is a fantasy relationship though. We are both somewhat socially awkward supernerds. What we do could be called a version of Urban Dictionary: nerd flirt when two nerds who obviously like each other are incredibly socially inept and attempt to flirt with each other while talking about extrememly nerdy things. nerd flirting often includes talking about classes or homework while awkwardly laughing, blushing, and looking away. When two nerds nerd flirt they might push up their glasses or even right an awkward note and have a friend deliver said note to the nerd flirtee. While nerd flirting the nerds practically avoid all physical contact, no hugging or kissing. Watching a nerd flirt can be extremely obvious especially if the afore mentioned nerds try to include you in the awkward flirting to make them feel more comfortable.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) Having reflected more on what ES said in the above quoted message I am certain this is not a "fantasy relationship". There is really something more to it than "just" friendship. I don't think I can adequately explain it in words. The best I can do is say that we are in a place where a great deal of group hanging out is what goes on. She is often the only woman in the group. She often chooses to spend most of that time with me, like we are a unit within the group. I don't think either of us are super duper invested emotionally, much more than the other. This will all be decided within the next month or so. We certainly have a push pull pattern. One day we are super close the next mutually distant. That "mutually" is key because if it was just one of us then I'd have a problem. Yet we grow closer with each oscillation. Edited March 8, 2013 by Mrlonelyone
ja123 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 You can't control what she'll do on her end, but I'd say stop pushing and pulling on your end. Ask her out for a real date!!! Through your actions, tone, and touch leave no room for her to be mistaken that you just want to hang out as friends.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 You can't control what she'll do on her end, but I'd say stop pushing and pulling on your end. Ask her out for a real date!!! Through your actions, tone, and touch leave no room for her to be mistaken that you just want to hang out as friends. I really feel what you are saying. I wish that would work. In a past time or a different social context such definitive would be the logical step. The thing is, within the context of college hook up and hang out culture "real dates", are real old fashioned. Even thinking back to when I was closer to her age I never went on dates, nor did anyone I know. Yet, relationships certainly were part of the experience. The difference between "hanging out" as friends and "hanging out" as an item of some kind is physical contact. There are other young ladies I hang out with, and their is no physical contact or sign that it is wanted either way. It's a strange way to do things. Then again, we will soon be going on a trip to a convention. A trip in which M myself and 6-7 other people will all be staying in the same hotel. It's a situation that will present...opportunities.
Minneloa Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 This situation seems very frustrating. How do you feel about initiating a conversation with her about your "status"? You might not hear what you want, but it could be a way to cut through the ambiguity and get some clarity.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) This situation seems very frustrating. How do you feel about initiating a conversation with her about your "status"? You might not hear what you want, but it could be a way to cut through the ambiguity and get some clarity. Experience with dating in a college context tells me that may not be as clarifying as one wold want. When I was 20 I had a GF who I've written about here a long time ago. S. S and I would hang out as part of a small group whenever we could. S would spend allot of time sitting in my lap. When directly asked for a date she said "Muslim's don't date," as she was sitting in my lap. Then after supposedly rejecting me, put my head under her shirt. M is like S in certain ways. I get the feeling that such a one on one date is something I need to let be her idea. In this social context a one on one date is like declaring that we are an exclusive couple. We are still just getting to know each other. Edited March 8, 2013 by Mrlonelyone
Minneloa Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Yes, I understand that "dating" is a bygone concept in some circles. The conversation I'm envisioning is not about a date, but rather about whether M. has more than platonic feelings for you. Granted, it's a bold move, but asking her, "Do you see me as a friend or something more?" could provide clarity for you.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Yes, I understand that "dating" is a bygone concept in some circles. The conversation I'm envisioning is not about a date, but rather about whether M. has more than platonic feelings for you. Granted, it's a bold move, but asking her, "Do you see me as a friend or something more?" could provide clarity for you. Even asking that can be tricky. Every relationship I've ever had started out platonic looking until, quite suddenly, it wasn't. This has the feeling that it has the potential to be much more than platonic. Trying to get a young woman like M is (or like S was) to state definitively what their feelings are may be asking too much of them. I read our body language, what we talk about (our families, childhoods, sex) and what physical contact we do have. No kissing yet but more than what "just" friends would have too. The strongest signal I get is that among the people we are around, she seems to prefer to spend her down time with me.
Minneloa Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Of course, it's your call. I guess I'm just an impatient person who wants answers sooner rather than later. Keep us posted, and good luck!
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Of course, it's your call. I guess I'm just an impatient person who wants answers sooner rather than later. Keep us posted, and good luck! Thanks. I am more like you in many ways. It's just that. With women like this one it's like catching a butterfly. 1
Kamille Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I don't think either of us are super duper invested emotionally, much more than the other. So your take is that you are both as emotionally invested. It is clear, from this thread and past one, that you are emotionally invested in this girl. There seems to be a disparity, however, between your sense that you are both as equally invested and your sense that moving the relationship from friendship to romance would be like "catching a butterfly". You have a strong rational mind and my take on you is that you're great at arguing your points, be it here or in academia. But this makes wonder if you're not making all the pieces of the puzzle "fit" to support your idea that she is as invested as you are. Like Eternal Sunshine, I used to invest too much time in fantasy relationships. I simply hope, like others here, that you are not falling prey to that syndrome.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) So your take is that you are both as emotionally invested. It is clear, from this thread and past one, that you are emotionally invested in this girl. There seems to be a disparity, however, between your sense that you are both as equally invested and your sense that moving the relationship from friendship to romance would be like "catching a butterfly". You have a strong rational mind and my take on you is that you're great at arguing your points, be it here or in academia. But this makes wonder if you're not making all the pieces of the puzzle "fit" to support your idea that she is as invested as you are. Like Eternal Sunshine, I used to invest too much time in fantasy relationships. I simply hope, like others here, that you are not falling prey to that syndrome. Your points are well taken. Here is the thing and it is not an "argument". (See my signature line and the NYT story in it). This is a observation about how college kids are, and have been approaching dating and relationships. To you (and in my ideal mind) this would progress on a linear path. Meet -> exchange numbers -> go on 3-10 formal dates -> be intimate -> some more dates -> meet friends and family-> date more and consider marriage. The way it has gone for me in every relationship I've been in, it has been. Meet -> hang out in a group setting -> hang out in a group setting but as a couple -> hang out with other coupled people -> hook up ->hang out and hook up more -> .... -> eventually declare that you are in a relationship but by then everyone around you knew it already.* Their two different approaches. I don't think one is more legit or real than the other. Did I mention were going to be in the same hotel for 5 days and 4 nites.... are you familiar with what often happens on those kind of school related trips? *Edited to add: Based on the way faculty members smile at us. I think they think we're an item already. Edited March 8, 2013 by Mrlonelyone
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