Emilia Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Once you get past the obvious human needs like air, water and food...sex and companionship tend to rank way up there in terms of people's needs. Precisely. Voice of reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I gotta admit that a 35-year-old who's not had any sort of sexual encounter (not even breast-touching!) is a bit of a rarity. In your place I would be curious about the reasons, but I wouldn't write them off entirely til I knew them. It's really up to you, OP. If it bothers you enough that you feel you're not likely to work out for the long term with her, it's best you tell her sooner rather than later. She clearly views sex as something special and she'd be devastated if her first time at 35 was with a guy who had been thinking about leaving the whole time. So there is nothing off about a woman that gets to be 35 without a single serious relationship, or a relationship that was close enough for sex? Everybody can meet douches, sure. But to never meet ONE guy that is right enough to have sex with? In 17 years of adult life? (keep in mind she is not saving herself for marriage).... You know what they say....who is the common denominator here? I dunno, there are quite a few LS guys who have reached that age without having found a 'right' person. Some of them have lost their virginity through casual encounters or prostitutes, but is that really any better than holding out? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 The premisis is kind of concerning and while I agree it's not good quality I laughed my ass off. A guilty pleasure I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Yeah but he shouldn't be beating around the bush about it if he sees it as a major concern. Just leave the poor woman alone rather than give her high hopes by continuously going on dates and having nice conversations but at the same time questioning yourself why she chose to be a virgin and how much of a turn-off you find it. The OP is basically wasting his time and the woman's time. Her high hopes? At four dates??? You're joking, right? She is just as likely to reject him! In fact, given her history of extreme pickiness, she will likely not find him worthy, just like all the rest. Especially when he comes with three kids! That's a lot to ask of anyone. She has her life together and is attractive. My guess is she focused on her career, and now that her professional life is where she wants it to be, she's turned to her personal life. I know lots of women (and men) like that. When you have tons of options constantly propositioning you, there's no urgency to lock someone down early on. Guys will always be there. For many men, she would be viewed as a catch--no baby daddies, no ex-husbands, no kids, not seeking a wallet, good judgment and self-control. But clearly the OP feels otherwise, which is why he needs to move on to someone more in line with his expectations and thinking. Two people are evaluating each other here. There is no commitment or expectation beyond each date at this point. Either is free to walk away as they learn more, discover the other's values and priorities, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 honestly I would feel honored if such a woman finally would chose me as the right one! Except she will never recognise quality even if it hits her in the face since she has no experience of good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I am sorry guys, but there is something really off about this. People that get to that age and are virgins for non-religious reasons, there is something quite wrong. OP, be aware that she likely has a lot of issues. I would wonder if she has body issues (scars, something she is hiding?), all kinds of intimacy issues that would make relationship next to impossible, other severe psychological ailments? Is she asexual? This is not about sexual promiscuity, it is about experiencing life and fully blocking yourself to one aspect of life Why? Because she wants it to be special? I don't buy it at all..... While I do admit it is odd to make it to that age without sex I'm not "freaked" out about it like plenty of people here. ES as a woman who openly admits to having intimacy issues what makes you less off a "red flag" than this woman? Sure you'll have sex but if you never let your walls down it'll never be meaningful sex in a relationship. This woman probably does have intimacy issues but unlike some people, can't separate sex and emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) Maybe I could believe the "holding out for the right one" reason until the age of say 27-28...but beyond that, most people will think "the hell with it" and lower their standards. Just yesterday I met a woman like the one you describe. When she got 28 she "lowered her standards" and since then she can't find a solid relationship. She jumps from one man to the other. Men only want her for ONSs and FWBs. Result: she's a real mess. I'd like to see how she would make a quality relationship one day! Or maybe virgins should sleep with, say, at least 10 random strangers, in the space of 6 months. And then problem solved. Apparently this would save her... Because then she'd be like everybody else then. And we know how successful they all are with their own relationships... No red flags at all... Having sex doesn't give you the keys to sexual and relationship success. To be honest... the average LS user is more of a red flag that her. Edited February 25, 2013 by silvermercy Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Except she will never recognise quality even if it hits her in the face since she has no experience of good or bad. People don't need to eat s**t to know how bad it is. In fact I'd day the exact opposite: she CAN recognise quality extremely well because she smells the s**t earlier than other women who actually eat the s**t. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IndianGuy87 Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Her high hopes? At four dates??? You're joking, right? She is just as likely to reject him! In fact, given her history of extreme pickiness, she will likely not find him worthy, just like all the rest. Especially when he comes with three kids! That's a lot to ask of anyone. She has her life together and is attractive. My guess is she focused on her career, and now that her professional life is where she wants it to be, she's turned to her personal life. I know lots of women (and men) like that. When you have tons of options constantly propositioning you, there's no urgency to lock someone down early on. Guys will always be there. For many men, she would be viewed as a catch--no baby daddies, no ex-husbands, no kids, not seeking a wallet, good judgment and self-control. But clearly the OP feels otherwise, which is why he needs to move on to someone more in line with his expectations and thinking. Two people are evaluating each other here. There is no commitment or expectation beyond each date at this point. Either is free to walk away as they learn more, discover the other's values and priorities, etc. Yeah, her high hopes in the guy for dating him continuously. I don't know how anyone would see that as a possible joke. And I told the OP not to date her BUT they seem to get along and he finds her attractive so it would be silly not to give her a chance. But if he really is so concerned then don't go out with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Yeah, her high hopes in the guy for dating him continuously. I don't know how anyone would see that as a possible joke... Continuously? Until when? They get married? You can't possibly expect that dating will continue into the future from an early date. Sorry, but no emotionally healthy person would be pinning high hopes on anything except possibly the next date at this juncture. Dating is a process of exploration and getting to know the other person. With each new piece of information, each person evaluates whether he or she wants to continue or has learned enough to determine that the other person is incompatible. Silly me! I must have missed the lesson on exchanging promise rings on date#1 and accepting engagement rings on date#3. I guess planning the shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties comes after their next date. Honestly, I'm sure she's struggling quite a bit with some of his history too. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 The age and experience fit for being one of my friends around the TO area. She hasn't dated in awhile either, very career-focused BUT wants a family and IMHO would make a great mother. She came from an incredibly solid family as well. She's wonderful and I always hoped some decent guy would see her great self. But I doubt it's her. We were all virgins before we got laid right? Was it just me but it was much easier to avoid sexual/affectionate temptation PRIOR to losing the v-card than after? When you knew what it felt like and how intense it was? That's the way I remember it. I went four years without sex (religious conversion) after my first couple boyfriends and it was MUCH harder than holding out for a special time/guy to turn my v-card over to. This woman could be a real firecracker once she gets a taste of it and much less likely to cheat since she holds sex in high regard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 While I do admit it is odd to make it to that age without sex I'm not "freaked" out about it like plenty of people here. ES as a woman who openly admits to having intimacy issues what makes you less off a "red flag" than this woman? Sure you'll have sex but if you never let your walls down it'll never be meaningful sex in a relationship. This woman probably does have intimacy issues but unlike some people, can't separate sex and emotions. With all my issues, I have also had close, intimate and long term relationships in the past. They included every single type of intimacy, including sex. I lived with the last guy for a year and we nearly got married. With all due respect, I am in a completely different position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IndianGuy87 Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Continuously? Until when? They get married? You can't possibly expect that dating will continue into the future from an early date. Sorry, but no emotionally healthy person would be pinning high hopes on anything except possibly the next date at this juncture. Dating is a process of exploration and getting to know the other person. With each new piece of information, each person evaluates whether he or she wants to continue or has learned enough to determine that the other person is incompatible. Silly me! I must have missed the lesson on exchanging promise rings on date#1 and accepting engagement rings on date#3. I guess planning the shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties comes after their next date. Honestly, I'm sure she's struggling quite a bit with some of his history too. Oh wow, I meant high hopes as in her expecting another date and thinking the guy is actually interesting in her. That he doesn't mind about her being a virgin but he does mind since he asked a question about it on a dating message board. Dating continuously till at least one of the two realizes that the other is not worth keep seeing. I don't know what point you're trying to make with your strange exaggerations. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 My best friend held off until 28 (?) give or take one year. She married and they are great together. Both come from strong families and they don't have a whole bunch of "previous partners/kids/STDs" baggage. One of my other friends held out until 29. (religious) great family there too. One of my guy friends is 32, but he has social anxiety. Otherwise a great guy. I've set him up on a couple dates. I'm sure he isn't a mutant! LOL Some people are late bloomers. I don't understand why people are so taken aback by that. I am much more shocked by people who have a different partner every weekend or month or think it's a great idea to regularly go home all drunk with some random from the bar. Yeah, that's stable. Here is a woman who is very blunt about what she wants. She wants something special and stable. Cheers to her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Apparently she was in a relationship for a year and a half and never had sex? He never even touched her boobs? How is that even possible? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Apparently she was in a relationship for a year and a half and never had sex? He never even touched her boobs? How is that even possible? I was with a man for 2.5 years. Boobs came around the 6 month mark. We never had intercourse..... But he was religious and had issues about it. I did too, but....it got to a breaking point. Again, she hasn't lost the v-card. My first bf didn't turn me on AT ALL even though he'd touch me etc. I didn't know it at the time either. If that was her major relationship, she might not have known that her body might have been craving or more reactive with someone else instead. Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Apparently she was in a relationship for a year and a half and never had sex? He never even touched her boobs? How is that even possible? It's not that unusual. Maybe they were in their teens or early 20s. Maybe he was from a religious group. Maybe she had found someone who held the same views about sex. Maybe they were both waiting for marriage that didn't happen. Only OP can explain. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 She said she had a relationship that lasted a year and a half but never went beyond kissing. I think she is closeted lesbian. Do you have any lesbian friends who could check her out and let you know? They are able to spot each other usually. Gaydar. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Seriously, the way people go out of their way to make virgins the new invalids of the modern era is mind-boggling... Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 She said she had a relationship that lasted a year and a half but never went beyond kissing. I think she is closeted lesbian. Do you have any lesbian friends who could check her out and let you know? They are able to spot each other usually. Gaydar. LOL! Are you serious? Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Sorry but no matter how you slice it this gal has got a hangup somewhere about love and sex. 35, never had sex despite a long-term relationship and she's attractive and not religious? Come on how hard is it NOT to bang when you're crazy about someone? It's just natural. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Sorry but no matter how you slice it this gal has got a hangup somewhere about love and sex. 35, never had sex despite a long-term relationship and she's attractive and not religious? Come on how hard is it NOT to bang when you're crazy about someone? It's just natural. Just a silly thought... maybe she DID NOT find that someone she was crazy about!? I'd do the same in her place. Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 How is she supposed to gain any further relationship experience, if men keep rejecting her due to her lack of experience? It was her misfortune to be born into an era where religious conviction is the only socially acceptable reason for her top be asexual. Hence the red flag when men move off to someone who will give them what they ultimately want Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Oh wow, I meant high hopes as in her expecting another date and thinking the guy is actually interesting in her. That he doesn't mind about her being a virgin but he does mind since he asked a question about it on a dating message board. Dating continuously till at least one of the two realizes that the other is not worth keep seeing. I don't know what point you're trying to make with your strange exaggerations. The sentence in bold is my point exactly. That can be at date#1, date#4, date#5, 2 months or whenever. Neither promised anything more at this point. There are no "high" hopes or implicit promises regarding future dates. They are both free to base a decision to end things on whatever they wish, whenever they wish. You make a lot of assumptions. Perhaps she is struggling with accepting his life choices. Perhaps she will choose to walk away now. Given his thinking and history, I know she can do better, but they decide. Not I. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Just a silly thought... maybe she DID NOT find that someone she was crazy about!? I'd do the same in her place. Yeah but it's completely natural and HEALTHY to explore your sexuality. If this woman is so wonderful then it stands to reason that by sheer math alone someone would have come along in her adult life that would have tapped into that for her. She's got a hangup. Past abuse? Gay? Who knows but there's something there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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