underwater2010 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 All of these extreme measures to try in desparation to keep someone who decided they were happy with someone else. Yet they didn't have enough guts to make a real go of it...so they keep their spouse in the dark or hanging on when they find out. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Now I want to go watch Doctor Who, because of Spark's comment. LOL I did know who Harley was. I had been in a false reconciliation and I had just found the evidence that I knew could without a doubt prove the affair was still on. I actually googled "how to toss spouse out of house legally". LOL And that led me to there. Where I found the outlines for exposure and Plan B- which was shutting him out. Not in the hope of saving my marriage. In the hope of saving me, and my babies. I plotted. And thought. And checked with people I trusted who could help me. And then I did it. All of it. In a couple of hours. Go me. And I wouldn't learn until months later, that I had executed a perfect 180, naturally, because it was the right thing to do, something a mentally healthy and striving for stability person would do. And I felt proud I was able to conduct myself with such dignity in the face of such pain and delusional attacks of my motives and character. Go me! 2
Snowflower Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 People, people. Relax. Realist isn't the problem here! I actually thought the post where the OP was told to expose to everyone on FB, to her H's employer and to get all the email lists from the company, etc...was very extreme. So I guess, in a way I agree/ed? with Realist to a point. The OP has already kind of stated what she is comfortable with in terms of exposure. I think the amount of exposure differs from situation to situation and from BS to BS. I know I would have been very uncomfortable with blasting my H's affair to his work (and I could have), on FB, and everywhere and to everyone I could find and/or think of. But that is just me. Realist is pointing out one possible outcome in that the BS may look foolish to some if they are to expose to the general public. Some BS's don't care about how they appear and I get that...we weren't the ones who did wrong. However, all of us have differing levels of what we consider private information. And face it, our tolerance for additional drama and stress after we find out our spouse has been cheating and lying to us is at an all-time low. It is an individual decision. 3
Decorative Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 And I wouldn't learn until months later, that I had executed a perfect 180, naturally, because it was the right thing to do, something a mentally healthy and striving for stability person would do. And I felt proud I was able to conduct myself with such dignity in the face of such pain and delusional attacks of my motives and character. Go me! You betcha!!!! We kinda rock. 2
Decorative Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 People, people. Relax. Realist isn't the problem here! I actually thought the post where the OP was told to expose to everyone on FB, to her H's employer and to get all the email lists from the company, etc...was very extreme. So I guess, in a way I agree/ed? with Realist to a point. The OP has already kind of stated what she is comfortable with in terms of exposure. I think the amount of exposure differs from situation to situation and from BS to BS. I know I would have been very uncomfortable with blasting my H's affair to his work (and I could have), on FB, and everywhere and to everyone I could find and/or think of. But that is just me. Realist is pointing out one possible outcome in that the BS may look foolish to some if they are to expose to the general public. Some BS's don't care about how they appear and I get that...we weren't the ones who did wrong. However, all of us have differing levels of what we consider private information. And face it, our tolerance for additional drama and stress after we find out our spouse has been cheating and lying to us is at an all-time low. It is an individual decision. I would agree with Realist that Road's original suggestion is far too broad. But then he went far off road - and we see the real agenda. He's against the affair being outed- period. He's scared of discovery ( which is odd for a man who claims his wife knows). That's why this thread is peppered with slights and insults to betrayed spouses. It's why he announces he would leave his wife immediately if exposed. It's why he's making the mentally gymnastic claim that somehow knowledge of an affair is only between the spouse and the wayward ( I know. I know. It makes no sense. When the wayward makes it three.). He calls betrayeds who tell stupid. foolish. Shameful. That includes the OP - who has already, in Realist's world- gone too far. So yes. At first blush- Realist makes a point. But then he loses the plot, and we see what he's really saying. And that's something different. 3
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You know that you will never be doing the "right" thing as long as you don't keep your mouth shut and hide from all. You should have certainly been more concerned with your reputation as a bat shyt crazy BS instead of outing the bull crap you were living with. :rolleyes: How could you have (we) done that without thought for the poor WS/AP? Dammit...bad Spark...bad, bad BNB:o..uh I mean Spark. After DDay, when I had accidentally intercepted those words of undying love and a future together when he reached his financial goals.....I bided my time, went into investigative journalist mode for 48 hours, with a pretty sweet smile on my face, and then demanded he meet me for lunch at a diner. He was very surly, tried to beg off, and then grew fearful wanting to know what it was all about. I refused to tell him, just said "You BETTER be there." When I confronted him, he tried to minimize the length of it, when it started, why it started and it all started very sad and noble....except I now had tons of evidence that proved he was lying. I gave him 48 hours to move out. his first text to me? not I am in love or I want to try a future with her. it was: Please don't tell anyone. Love, schmove. I told all my most trusted friends and family member for support through what I thought would be my divorce proceedings. it still boggles my mind that his first thought was NOT shouting his love from the rooftops, which I would have respected, but preservation of his world of subterfuge. It was keep my dirty, hurtful secret. Sorry. That was not normal. Living in that insular, delusional foggy world of affair secret-keeping is NOT how the world of rational thinking people operate. Why would they? Why would anyone convince themselves that the pain you inflicted on another would be protected by them? THAT's abuse, not privacy. 5
Decorative Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 After DDay, when I had accidentally intercepted those words of undying love and a future together when he reached his financial goals.....I bided my time, went into investigative journalist mode for 48 hours, with a pretty sweet smile on my face, and then demanded he meet me for lunch at a diner. He was very surly, tried to beg off, and then grew fearful wanting to know what it was all about. I refused to tell him, just said "You BETTER be there." When I confronted him, he tried to minimize the length of it, when it started, why it started and it all started very sad and noble....except I now had tons of evidence that proved he was lying. I gave him 48 hours to move out. his first text to me? not I am in love or I want to try a future with her. it was: Please don't tell anyone. Love, schmove. I told all my most trusted friends and family member for support through what I thought would be my divorce proceedings. it still boggles my mind that his first thought was NOT shouting his love from the rooftops, which I would have respected, but preservation of his world of subterfuge. It was keep my dirty, hurtful secret. Sorry. That was not normal. Living in that insular, delusional foggy world of affair secret-keeping is NOT how the world of rational thinking people operate. Why would they? Why would anyone convince themselves that the pain you inflicted on another would be protected by them? THAT's abuse, not privacy. I am quoting this simply so that it appears twice in the thread. It's that important. And for the record? The first text my spouse sent me when I went dark after telling him the jig was up? "Who else knows about this?" I never replied to that text. 3
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 dec, you are a better person than I. I think I responded in my crazy anger, The world. Now go slink back under your rock with her. freakin' Mother Theresa in front of our, his children....a true woman scorned in private conversations with him. I loved him enough to let him go had he announced feelings for another. Always did. Always will. the lying, sneaking around, demonizing me, our kids? that was all on him and his very, very poor choices. Confused, you go be the best, strongest, most amazing person you can be. Get YOURSELF back and ignore that man. the stronger you are, the clearer the answers and actions will become. But stay sane, confident and calm when and if you disclose and to whom. Do NOT allow him, in his affair delusion, to spin you, the faithful wife and mother of HIS five-month old twins, to be the bad guy while he whines to you for more time to allow his affair to die a natural death because he does not want to give her up. THAT is BEYOND disrespectful to the wonderful woman you are. Cut him loose....and set yourself free. Who KNOWs what your future will hold? IT will definitely hold YOU and those babies. make it the best you can make it. I am rooting for you! 3
Author Confused3232 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Hi Everyone, I need some support here as I just gave him the papers to get our divorce going. I asked him to move out this weekend and then gave him the mediator papers. For lack of a better term, he was pissed. He said I was playing head games and he can't believe how I have to push him constantly. And then he acted like he was glad I was divorcing him and signed the papers. Then he told me to get away from him and give him space which I gladly did. God, his words cut right through me. Did I do the right thing???
ComingInHot Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 confused; By way of his reply to you? Absolutely! You Need support. Do you have it? Please talk to someone who understands what you are going through!! **hugs**
Author Confused3232 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 dec, you are a better person than I. I think I responded in my crazy anger, The world. Now go slink back under your rock with her. freakin' Mother Theresa in front of our, his children....a true woman scorned in private conversations with him. I loved him enough to let him go had he announced feelings for another. Always did. Always will. the lying, sneaking around, demonizing me, our kids? that was all on him and his very, very poor choices. Confused, you go be the best, strongest, most amazing person you can be. Get YOURSELF back and ignore that man. the stronger you are, the clearer the answers and actions will become. But stay sane, confident and calm when and if you disclose and to whom. Do NOT allow him, in his affair delusion, to spin you, the faithful wife and mother of HIS five-month old twins, to be the bad guy while he whines to you for more time to allow his affair to die a natural death because he does not want to give her up. THAT is BEYOND disrespectful to the wonderful woman you are. Cut him loose....and set yourself free. Who KNOWs what your future will hold? IT will definitely hold YOU and those babies. make it the best you can make it. I am rooting for you! Thanks! You are too sweet. This is all soooo hard. I am trying hard not to buckle. I wish the guy I married would come back to me because this guy is just mean. I really always wanted a complete family for my girls. 2
Author Confused3232 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 confused; By way of his reply to you? Absolutely! You Need support. Do you have it? Please talk to someone who understands what you are going through!! **hugs** I have my mom and my friends, but no one who really understands all of this.
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 13 pages is a lot of reading just to catch up. Whew. Confused, you appear to be decided but I deserve to render an opinion anyway after all that. I think Spark's suggested letter is perfect. You are going to have an ongoing relationship with many of these people as I expect you'll be coparenting. He does not deserve credit for "trying" and there's no reason to protect him from the truth. I think it is merited to say that you gave your relationship a second effort but your husband continued to lie and see the OW. When you recently caught them together behind the Exxon station, that was the last straw and you had to remove yourself and the kids from that toxic situation. For what it's worth, I wouldn't do the FaceBook bomb either. I think road is really the only person here suggesting it anyway. Be honest with the people in your life that can help support you and don't hesitate to protect your own reputation. While Spark and Decorative may not say it because there are no guarnatees, I can tell you that after nearly two years of reading here, the best thing to do if you want to reconcile is to kick the WS out, expose to everyone that you feel is relevant, and file for divorce. People in these situations don't change until they hit rock bottom. And so if you stop them from hitting rock bottom, they don't change. The fantasy affair bubble needs to burst. They need to see the real life consequences to their conscious choices. If you protect them, they continue. The successful reconciliations I see resulted from hard core reality hitting the WS in the center of the forehead like a ****ing hammer. Suddenly the damn affair ain't no fun anymore. It's a gigantic pain in the ass that's costing them all of their friends and family. And if these actions don't work to cause change in the WS, then it's a good thing you filed for that divorce. Pussy-footing around gets you nowhere. There's no shame in being honest and there's a hell of a lot of reasons to do it. By the way, I'm glad to see you are being decisive and respecting yourself enough to see that you deserve better. Good luck. 5
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Hi Everyone, I need some support here as I just gave him the papers to get our divorce going. I asked him to move out this weekend and then gave him the mediator papers. For lack of a better term, he was pissed. He said I was playing head games and he can't believe how I have to push him constantly. And then he acted like he was glad I was divorcing him and signed the papers. Then he told me to get away from him and give him space which I gladly did. God, his words cut right through me. Did I do the right thing??? think on this.....he is mad at you because you would not allow him to keep his OW and his affair? YOU? PUSHED HIM to end his affair? doesn't he sound like a spoiled toddler who isn't getting his way? YOU were playing head games with him while he continued to gaslight you, all through reconciliation and MC while he still saw his OW, told you he loved her but not you? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? PACK HIS BAGS TONIGHT! Get away from him? What, are you his mother or his wife? Throw this jack hole out the front door!!!! bring his luggage to her door!! bring it to his parents' house and tell them good luck! When you gain time and distance from this piece of work, I promise you, you will be back here to regale us of the sanity that will return to you. 3
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I have my mom and my friends, but no one who really understands all of this. make them understand. just tell the truth. GOD is in the details. It is pretty simple. 1
Decorative Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I have my mom and my friends, but no one who really understands all of this. Well, we've got ears and arms. We'll help as much as we can. And don't worry about his reaction. Try and find a way to not have contact with him. Communicate through emails or text- business about the kids only. The more emotional distance you can get from him, the better you'll feel. And trust me. He will come back and ask. He will ask you to take him back. He won't want the divorce. But you need to get emotional distance - space and time to take care of you and get clarity. And he needs to have this temper tantrum out of your line of sight. You took his cake away. He's mad. Concentrate on yourself and your babies. Try not to give him headspace . 2
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Hi Everyone, I need some support here as I just gave him the papers to get our divorce going. I asked him to move out this weekend and then gave him the mediator papers. For lack of a better term, he was pissed. He said I was playing head games and he can't believe how I have to push him constantly. And then he acted like he was glad I was divorcing him and signed the papers. Then he told me to get away from him and give him space which I gladly did. God, his words cut right through me. Did I do the right thing??? Did you do the right thing? Considering his complete lack of remorse, I think you did exactly the right thing. Fanfreakintastic. This is what happens. You, the big meanie, is ruining all of his fun. He will now continue to panic as the whole house of cards comes tumbling down. You took away the cookie that he rightfully stole. He's like a child having a tantrum. Well done. 5
bentnotbroken Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Hi Everyone, I need some support here as I just gave him the papers to get our divorce going. I asked him to move out this weekend and then gave him the mediator papers. For lack of a better term, he was pissed. He said I was playing head games and he can't believe how I have to push him constantly. And then he acted like he was glad I was divorcing him and signed the papers. Then he told me to get away from him and give him space which I gladly did. God, his words cut right through me. Did I do the right thing??? The words do hurt. His actions hurt worse. The sting of the words will fade...eventually. You have a plan....stick with it. I remember the second guessing. I remember the tears. I remember the yoyo effect. Stay the course. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Hi all, Some of you may know my story, but I have finally started on the road to healing myself after my H's affair that was 5 months ago. I guess you could say I am doing a 180, but it is for myself, not him. He is moving out this weekend, I am filing for divorce, I am barely speaking to him unless it is about our babies, I am finding a new house for me and the twins, and he is still having an affair with his co-worker, even if he swears he isn't - ha! My question is, does it pay to do a second exposer? He has told everyone that he stopped the affair and he didn't - do I out him? Thanks everyone!!! Just read your first post so if there's an update or more info about your situation, I'll reply again.. Focus on divorcing him and making the move/transition as easy as possible. BE the bigger person here. Your husband is a total shi.t for cheating on you and I feel for you and your twins. Not gonna be easy so I hope you have lots of support from family and friends. And yes, you can tell YOUR friends and family whatever you want.. If you plan on outing your soon to be ex to his family, his friends or work - Don't. They will figure out soon enough when he gets seen in public or someone gossips saying that he is with the OW. You still have to co parent with him, so making his life hell by outing him may not help you in the long run. And I would make it PERFECTLY clear to him that his OW is NOT ALLOWED to be around your twins. No way.
bentnotbroken Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks! You are too sweet. This is all soooo hard. I am trying hard not to buckle. I wish the guy I married would come back to me because this guy is just mean. I really always wanted a complete family for my girls. The guy you married is gone. The marriage you had is gone. This is not to say that you can't build a new relationship, that is entirely up to you. That is after you do some healing you can think about a new relationship. Your girls have a complete family...they have you and him if he wants it. 4
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Spark - I'm not sure, but it kind of makes me mad that he is painting this picture that he ended the affair, tried at our marriage and it just didn't work out dispite his "best" efforts. The fact is, he never dedicated himself to our marriage and never ended his affair. He is just putting on a face. The inlaws will know why he is moving out this weekend. Really it doesn't matter. Remember, HE caused this by cheating on you to begin with! He let his wandering c*ck ruin things and now he'll be a part time dad, dealing with the gossip. If you want to tell your in laws, do so...Though you don't owe them any explanation. I"m sure they aren't too impressed that he cheated on you and betrayed you all as a family unit. 2
Furious Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Confused I too packed my husbands suit case and wished him well. It was the scariest and also the bravest thing I ever did. I knew without a doubt I needed to fight for me and not the marriage. I still loved him, I couldn't just shut that off, but I needed to love myself more. I immediately got my ducks in order and legal advice, I also relied on my close family members and my dearest friend for support. My husband was out of the house for over six weeks. I had very little contact with him, although he called and emailed me repeatedly asking for a second chance. He began IC, took the initiative in getting himself straightened out, he did whatever it took to prove he was truly remorseful. It's up to your husband to either own his issues or not. You can't fix him, only he can do that. You must stay firm, you must demand respect, you must make yourself the priority in your life. Only time will tell, you will have your answers in time. Meanwhile keep strong and stay firm. 5
2sunny Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 For what purpose? For a purpose of honesty. I suppose that's a foreign word to you.
2sunny Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Hi Everyone, I need some support here as I just gave him the papers to get our divorce going. I asked him to move out this weekend and then gave him the mediator papers. For lack of a better term, he was pissed. He said I was playing head games and he can't believe how I have to push him constantly. And then he acted like he was glad I was divorcing him and signed the papers. Then he told me to get away from him and give him space which I gladly did. God, his words cut right through me. Did I do the right thing??? Yes, you honored yourself. That's good! Now tell him to leave now before he harms you! Hugs
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He pocket dialed me when he was having lunch with her That is classic. Thanks for the smile.
Recommended Posts