Second exposure? Thoughts?

[eleanorrigby]

And in all likelyhood your extreme measures killed any chance you had to save the M.

 

I told EVER'body and we are reconcilled.

[Spark1111]

How many of them did you have a spousal relationsip with? Why was it any of their business to begin with? I hope you got what you wanted because your actions surely helped move the outcome along.

 

So I am suppose to protect the relationship with a spouse who is lying to me and effing his paramour behind my back?

 

if that isn't the height of delusion!

 

I STILL owe him and her their privacy?????

 

You have to be kidding me.

[Spark1111]

I told EVER'body and we are reconcilled.

 

Me too! imagine that?

[Realist3]

Are you struggling to read?

 

I am married and happily reconciled. To my spouse. You know, the one I exposed ?

 

I was not talking to you. Sorry for the confusion.

[Realist3]

So I am suppose to protect the relationship with a spouse who is lying to me and effing his paramour behind my back?

 

if that isn't the height of delusion!

 

I STILL owe him and her their privacy?????

 

You have to be kidding me.

 

It has nothing to do with you owing anyone privacy. The act described previously only goes to shame your WS and yourself. If you can't see that. fine. You chose what you wanted to do and you have the results you didn't want. I hope it works out for you.

[Decorative]

It has nothing to do with you owing anyone privacy. The act described previously only goes to shame your WS and yourself. If you can't see that. fine. You chose what you wanted to do and you have the results you didn't want. I hope it works out for you.

 

Shame is an emotion someone feels when they have done a wrong.

 

Telling the truth? Doesn't induce shame if you aren't doing bad things.

[Realist3]

Me too! imagine that?

 

He's picking up his bags tomorrow. Perhaps he can live with one of you for the time being?.

 

So you reconciled while he is picking up his bags?

[Realist3]

Shame is an emotion someone feels when they have done a wrong.

 

Telling the truth? Doesn't induce shame if you aren't doing bad things.

 

Do you go telling every truth that exists in a relationship? What if he were to go on FB and tell everyone you sucked in bed, or that you were a moody biatch, or that you were a terrible housekeeper? All of that is the same BS that is no one elses business.

[eleanorrigby]

It has nothing to do with you owing anyone privacy. The act described previously only goes to shame your WS and yourself. If you can't see that. fine. You chose what you wanted to do and you have the results you didn't want. I hope it works out for you.

 

I didn't feel shame, I just felt heartbroken, scared, confused, pissed, etc.

I exposed because I needed to talk.. and talk.. and talk..about what happened.

 

I couldn't talk to him much at the time, so i talked to others, friends, co-workers, family, online. I did what I needed to do for me, and it worked well. I have no regrets from exposure.

[Realist3]

All of these extreme measures to try in desparation to keep someone who decided they were happy with someone else.

[ComingInHot]

Realist;

I really do dislike our interactions sometimes but I think to clarify maybe what these other posters are trying to get across to you is that the deception of the A doesn't just affect the BS in most circumstances.

When the A is brought to the victim spouse's attention there are consequences that are a simply part of cause and effect. Without these "consequences" the person doing harm and causing pain may never learn.

 

One of the consequences of an A, is being Held Accountable for the cheating party. The most absolute way to hold a cheater accountable is making it public at least to the people affected by the A INCLUDING family from both sides and the BS from the other side of the triangle.

 

It is actually very therapeutic as well as humbling when the cheater has no where to turn for sympathy as he doesn't deserve any because well, he's a cheater involved in an A.

 

When the cheating spouse has nowhere to run and hide and play the "poor me" song then he is left to face the consequences of his actions and the person staring back at him in the mirror.

 

It is Sucky to have to look at yourself and say yep that's me, it's all my fault, I caused this harm. But at this point, the cheating spouse can at least NOT have to lie anymore (it'll do him/her no good) and decide outright, to everyone, that you are either going to live with being a cheater and continue regardless of how disappointed your family is in your behavior or... CHANGE.

 

But exposure is an avenue to at least help EVERYONE to be honest with the people around them who care for them.

 

I am NOT being mean, just trying to explain kindly what I think the other posters are trying to explain*

[bentnotbroken]

And in all likelyhood your extreme measures killed any chance you had to save the M.

 

 

I thought all the BS here who wanted to reconcile did.

[Realist3]

I didn't feel shame, I just felt heartbroken, scared, confused, pissed, etc.

I exposed because I needed to talk.. and talk.. and talk..about what happened.

 

I couldn't talk to him much at the time, so i talked to others, friends, co-workers, family, online. I did what I needed to do for me, and it worked well. I have no regrets from exposure.

 

I understand that need.

 

Most likely people won't tell you what they think. They may have been supportive, but you might want to think twice about how they view your actions.

[Decorative]

Do you go telling every truth that exists in a relationship? What if he were to go on FB and tell everyone you sucked in bed, or that you were a moody biatch, or that you were a terrible housekeeper? All of that is the same BS that is no one elses business.

 

Nice try. Rofl

 

He was sleeping with another woman and lying to everyone he came across.

 

That's a bit different.

 

And if he said I was terrible in bed on FB? That's be another lie. LOL

 

My nickname in real life involves the world sparkles, and he jokes that I'm Martha Stewart Jr.

 

But sure. If he'd like to go on FB and lie about me- he's welcome to.

 

You seem to misunderstand the point. The affair is a lie to the BS. A lie. It's okay to correct a lie.

[Spark1111]

How many of them did you have a spousal relationsip with? Why was it any of their business to begin with? I hope you got what you wanted because your actions surely helped move the outcome along.

 

You bet it did!

 

he moved in with her and lasted about three weeks. those affairyland rose-colored glasses came off and daily life in her home with her child didn't seem to be much different than daily life in this house.

 

Plus, when I took my dog outta their triangle, refused to discuss us, agreed to amicably divorce and not interfere with his relationship with our children, guess what?

 

It just wasn't as fun when they didn't have the mean and evil wife to rebel against. They no loner had to hide, sneak, and plan their subterfuge. I guess they just didn't have that much left to talk about anymore and the sex wasn't forbidden either! it turned into plain old sex whenever they wanted. Ho hum.

 

It would be months before I'd even have a conversation with him. He begged me back every step of the way trying to convince me he was worth a second chance.

[Realist3]

Realist;

I really do dislike our interactions sometimes but I think to clarify maybe what these other posters are trying to get across to you is that the deception of the A doesn't just affect the BS in most circumstances.

When the A is brought to the victim spouse's attention there are consequences that are a simply part of cause and effect. Without these "consequences" the person doing harm and causing pain may never learn.

 

One of the consequences of an A, is being Held Accountable for the cheating party. The most absolute way to hold a cheater accountable is making it public at least to the people affected by the A INCLUDING family from both sides and the BS from the other side of the triangle.

 

It is actually very therapeutic as well as humbling when the cheater has no where to turn for sympathy as he doesn't deserve any because well, he's a cheater involved in an A.

 

When the cheating spouse has nowhere to run and hide and play the "poor me" song then he is left to face the consequences of his actions and the person staring back at him in the mirror.

 

It is Sucky to have to look at yourself and say yep that's me, it's all my fault, I caused this harm. But at this point, the cheating spouse can at least NOT have to lie anymore (it'll do him/her no good) and decide outright, to everyone, that you are either going to live with being a cheater and continue regardless of how disappointed your family is in your behavior or... CHANGE.

 

But exposure is an avenue to at least help EVERYONE to be honest with the people around them who care for them.

 

I am NOT being mean, just trying to explain kindly what I think the other posters are trying to explain*

 

I have a meeting I need to attend right now, but I will get back to you on this. I didn't read it yet, but I will. I appreciate your trying to put it in perspective.

[woinlove]

Do you go telling every truth that exists in a relationship? What if he were to go on FB and tell everyone you sucked in bed, or that you were a moody biatch, or that you were a terrible housekeeper? All of that is the same BS that is no one elses business.

 

Talking about the existence of an R is quite different than talking about how your spouse is in bed. Most people talk about the existence of their R if it is serious or long-lasting, other than those who are trying to hide it from their spouse.

 

I've had neighbours and colleagues tell me about their spouse's affair and all I thought was that it sucked for the them, the BS.

 

It's not surprising that those involved in an affair want everyone to keep their secrets, but they may not have the best interests of BS in mind. I think the important thing is that the BS thinks of who and how they want to tell, to make sure they are comfortable with it. Depends on what circles one moves in, but I think most people have empathy for those who are hurt and if the know the BS, that is likely their reaction. I think individual telling is best. Definitely not a FB post.

[eleanorrigby]

I understand that need.

 

Most likely people won't tell you what they think. They may have been supportive, but you might want to think twice about how they view your actions.

 

Maybe so, but the people I talked to lent a supportive ear and helped me through my time of crisis by just being there while I vented my spleen.

I doubt I would have made it through this if I had kept mum.

 

And FWIW, all of my friends and family advised me to divorce. No one held back how they felt about the situation and I'm well aware that many think I was pathetic to reconcile.

[Spark1111]

All of these extreme measures to try in desparation to keep someone who decided they were happy with someone else.

 

Who wanted to KEEP Him? After DDay, NOT me. Not for a VERY long time.

 

But that't the beauty of it. When reality hit, guess what?

 

He didn't want her either. Don't you understand all the BSs who have been trying to tell you that sometimes it is the marriage, sometimes it is the spouse, but many times The CHEATER is just EFFED UP and doesn't know WHO or what they want?

[BetheButterfly]

Hi all,

 

Some of you may know my story, but I have finally started on the road to healing myself after my H's affair that was 5 months ago. I guess you could say I am doing a 180, but it is for myself, not him. He is moving out this weekend, I am filing for divorce, I am barely speaking to him unless it is about our babies, I am finding a new house for me and the twins, and he is still having an affair with his co-worker, even if he swears he isn't - ha!

 

My question is, does it pay to do a second exposer? He has told everyone that he stopped the affair and he didn't - do I out him? Thanks everyone!!!

 

I would say yes, expose his lie.

 

That way, people will see the truth instead of believing his lie and being confused as to if you are just "paranoid". It is sad that he is lying.

[BetheButterfly]

Telling everyone on facebook is bad advice and I'll tell you why, not because I'm the OW but because it's not a good idea.

 

Telling friends and family who should and need to know the situation, I get that 100%. Especially since he's been implying htat he's working hard and that there is something wrong with you that can't make it work. By all means, tell all those people.

 

The minute you tell dozens or hundreds of disinterested parties (and most really will be, yeah, people like gossip but they're going to say things liek "Who DOES that?" and "God, why did I need to know that?") you lose credibility as a person that thinks things through rationally. It looks reactionary and like you were throwing a temper tantrum.

 

If you really do want to tell all of them, tell each personally individually in a personalized email explaining why you though that they personally needed to know.

That's the only way I can see it not being turned around to maek you look like the one that has issues.

 

Since telling the ones that matter is to showcase the truth, why muddy the water by telling people that don't matter? I'm sure his old high school buddies aren't going to care.

 

I do agree with this. I think it's fine to provide the evidence to his family, your family, and your lawyer. I don't see any reason to send the evidence to other people, including his work or everyone on facebook. As far as I know, it's not illegal to cheat with a consenting adult who mutually gives too.

[Spark1111]

I can see this is a hotly debated topic. I found everyone's posting to be great, but I don't think I would ever do the Facebook bomb. I just don't think I could repect myself as much after. If his friends or family contact me, which they will on our home phone and my cell, I will explain what really happened. He should not get credit for trying to make the marriage work when he never ended the affair.

 

Now, can I get your thoughts on one more item? Do I file for the big D or legal separation??

 

Divorce I think. you would get more money in maintenance until it is final. Speak to your attorney.

you both can attend mediation. The mediator tells you what the division of assets would be. you can hammer that out first, then decide to proceed with divorce when you are ready.

 

There is more options out there today. investigate them.

[Decorative]

To be clear- the people I know who used FB used the message system to targeted people. Not a status update.

[stillafool]

I can see this is a hotly debated topic. I found everyone's posting to be great, but I don't think I would ever do the Facebook bomb. I just don't think I could repect myself as much after. If his friends or family contact me, which they will on our home phone and my cell, I will explain what really happened. He should not get credit for trying to make the marriage work when he never ended the affair.

 

Now, can I get your thoughts on one more item? Do I file for the big D or legal separation??

 

File for divorce. Let him know you mean it. A legal separation might give the impression you are angry, moved out, but plan to return. Do you plan to return?

 

I haven't read your entire story but it would seem that if you outed him at work and he somehow loses his job, won't that affect your financial support?

[underwater2010]

I do agree with this. I think it's fine to provide the evidence to his family, your family, and your lawyer. I don't see any reason to send the evidence to other people, including his work or everyone on facebook. As far as I know, it's not illegal to cheat with a consenting adult who mutually gives too.

Nope not illegal for my spouse to cheat...but I can sue his partner for alienation of affection. Makes you think how messed up our system truly is.