Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 File for divorce. Let him know you mean it. A legal separation might give the impression you are angry, moved out, but plan to return. Do you plan to return? I haven't read your entire story but it would seem that if you outed him at work and he somehow loses his job, won't that affect your financial support? I didn't out him at work. A co-worker did it. It must have been obvious...so unprofessional! I do need his child support as I will have primary placement. Right now I just want some peace in my life, I don't want to be worried about sleeping with a man who was possibly shacking up with her hours earlier. I am tired, and even more tired of the lies. I just want to be by myself for awhile. I don't know what the future holds, I can't predict that nor control it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Divorce I think. you would get more money in maintenance until it is final. Speak to your attorney. you both can attend mediation. The mediator tells you what the division of assets would be. you can hammer that out first, then decide to proceed with divorce when you are ready. There is more options out there today. investigate them. Did you have your cheating spouse leave and file for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Nope not illegal for my spouse to cheat...but I can sue his partner for alienation of affection. Makes you think how messed up our system truly is. Since the government is involved in selling marriage certificates, you'd think they'd take seriously the promises made, right? Anyways, yeah our system is messed up. Really you can sue his partner for alienation of affection? That's interesting. I personally don't see the need for the government to deal with promises between couples, but maybe they see it as a business agreement? Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Did you have your cheating spouse leave and file for divorce? I did. I packed for him. And took his stuff to his parents' house. And changed the locks ( checked with attorney first). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 I did. I packed for him. And took his stuff to his parents' house. And changed the locks ( checked with attorney first). Did you do it right after D-day? Did he want to reconcile before you did that? Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Did you do it right after D-day? Did he want to reconcile before you did that? I did that stuff. Then I caused DDay- about 15 minutes after I dropped his stuff off. I exposed. Then I called him and told him where he could find his belongings. and then I called her and told her to check her FB. This was after a 9 month false reconciliation. During which he was swearing he wanted nothing but me. Ten days of chaos ensued after this- on his part. Then he wanted to reconcile. And wanted to talk to me. Badly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Did you have your cheating spouse leave and file for divorce? I had him served with divorce papers (after he cooked breakfast) and had his stuff already packed in the garage....stayed up all night doing it. Wierd thing is I told him I was going to do it and he laughed at me. He never believed I would...boy was he wrong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 I did that stuff. Then I caused DDay- about 15 minutes after I dropped his stuff off. I exposed. Then I called him and told him where he could find his belongings. and then I called her and told her to check her FB. This was after a 9 month false reconciliation. During which he was swearing he wanted nothing but me. Ten days of chaos ensued after this- on his part. Then he wanted to reconcile. And wanted to talk to me. Badly. Do you believe most people who end up reconciling do so after they start respecting themselves, get their own lives and move on? For example, kick them out and file for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Did you have your cheating spouse leave and file for divorce? No. I had a better chance at reconciliation because the affair had ended before I found out. His choice was to be single/roam or stay and work on the marriage. He stayed. If the affair continued or starts up again...he gets two choices. He can go stay with his sister while the kids and I remain in the house or I will pack up clothes for the kids and me and go visit my sister in another state. As he has to agree for me to leave the state with the kids or I can be held accountable legally. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 It has nothing to do with you owing anyone privacy. The act described previously only goes to shame your WS and yourself. If you can't see that. fine. You chose what you wanted to do and you have the results you didn't want. I hope it works out for you. I didn't shame my WS or his OW by TELLING THE TRUTH of what they did. They shamed themselves by lying to me, our children, their bosses, friends and family. Why in the world should I be ashamed? I didn't lie, betray, or sneak around town, in hotels, on business trips? I was home being faithfully married. That is nothing to be ashamed of. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Since the government is involved in selling marriage certificates, you'd think they'd take seriously the promises made, right? Anyways, yeah our system is messed up. Really you can sue his partner for alienation of affection? That's interesting. I personally don't see the need for the government to deal with promises between couples, but maybe they see it as a business agreement? The whole point of goverment involvement was for the consideration of property after divorce. Which is why it pays to marry rather than just live with someone. I think the whole "NO FAULT" in the court system is just crap. When a marriage ends, there is always a reason. Infidelity is a major one. Drugs and Alcohol are another. Abuse too. From what I heard that take it into consideration, but it is not supposed to effect the final outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Do you believe most people who end up reconciling do so after they start respecting themselves, get their own lives and move on? For example, kick them out and file for divorce? Honestly, I don't know and cannot give you any reassurances that kicking them out will have that desired affect. Perhaps the trick is the self-respect. Respect yourself enough NOT to care what the lying, sneaking blankety-blank and his MOW are up to AT ALL. Wish them well. Express sincere wishes for their future happiness. Be done with their drama. Focus on you and the life and the man you deserve. Cuz right now? It's not him. It may never be. He has to stop being the focus of your life because what if he never changes? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Realist; I really do dislike our interactions sometimes but I think to clarify maybe what these other posters are trying to get across to you is that the deception of the A doesn't just affect the BS in most circumstances. When the A is brought to the victim spouse's attention there are consequences that are a simply part of cause and effect. Without these "consequences" the person doing harm and causing pain may never learn. One of the consequences of an A, is being Held Accountable for the cheating party. The most absolute way to hold a cheater accountable is making it public at least to the people affected by the A INCLUDING family from both sides and the BS from the other side of the triangle. It is actually very therapeutic as well as humbling when the cheater has no where to turn for sympathy as he doesn't deserve any because well, he's a cheater involved in an A. When the cheating spouse has nowhere to run and hide and play the "poor me" song then he is left to face the consequences of his actions and the person staring back at him in the mirror. It is Sucky to have to look at yourself and say yep that's me, it's all my fault, I caused this harm. But at this point, the cheating spouse can at least NOT have to lie anymore (it'll do him/her no good) and decide outright, to everyone, that you are either going to live with being a cheater and continue regardless of how disappointed your family is in your behavior or... CHANGE. But exposure is an avenue to at least help EVERYONE to be honest with the people around them who care for them. I am NOT being mean, just trying to explain kindly what I think the other posters are trying to explain* I'm back. We both have differing views and reasonings behind the subject. I can understand basic outing to an extent. What was being advocated here, and what I was outspoken about, in this instance was entirely different than what you are talking about. This was the suggestion offered here was to take the firend lists of both the WS and the AP and mass message these people with a declaration that the WS had an affair with the AP. That particular course of action is beyond the pale in my view. That is what I was objecting to. If you as a BS want to tell people that you think are important in the relationship sphere, that is your decision, and we could agree or disagree on the benefits of that scenario. This other broad swath FB bomb method is childish, and only makes the BS look like a fool. That was my point. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Did you have your cheating spouse leave and file for divorce? I had my spouse leave and spoke to a divorce attorney. I did not file. I had many other events going on in my life at that time and just could not attend immediately to it. But I really did not care. As far as I was concerned we were toast. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'm back. We both have differing views and reasonings behind the subject. I can understand basic outing to an extent. What was being advocated here, and what I was outspoken about, in this instance was entirely different than what you are talking about. This was the suggestion offered here was to take the firend lists of both the WS and the AP and mass message these people with a declaration that the WS had an affair with the AP. That particular course of action is beyond the pale in my view. That is what I was objecting to. If you as a BS want to tell people that you think are important in the relationship sphere, that is your decision, and we could agree or disagree on the benefits of that scenario. This other broad swath FB bomb method is childish, and only makes the BS look like a fool. That was my point. You cannot post a bomb sweeping accusations like that on your FB main page. A divorce attorney will make you take it down. Email or FB private message? That you are allowed to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Honestly, I don't know and cannot give you any reassurances that kicking them out will have that desired affect. Perhaps the trick is the self-respect. Respect yourself enough NOT to care what the lying, sneaking blankety-blank and his MOW are up to AT ALL. Wish them well. Express sincere wishes for their future happiness. Be done with their drama. Focus on you and the life and the man you deserve. Cuz right now? It's not him. It may never be. He has to stop being the focus of your life because what if he never changes? You are right and I am focusing on me and my babies. It has taken a bit, but I am getting that fierce, bold woman back and I sure did miss her! I mean who does he think he is? I was back to 105 pounds three months after having twins, I have a really good career, I am a fantastic mother and a faithful, loving wife. I would never cheat, I would never hurt my family. He doesn't fit into the picture anymore. BUT - every wife wants there cheating husband to have that Oprah moment of "oh crap, what did I do?" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 But, I guess all things considered, I have seen and read of worse. Renting billboards, spray painted cars, civil suits to recoup marital assets spent on the affair, true-crime affair related violence....FB announcing may not be that bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 You cannot post a bomb sweeping accusations like that on your FB main page. A divorce attorney will make you take it down. Email or FB private message? That you are allowed to. Even if you did it all to private messages it is still wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 But the billboard would be so much fun! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I thought about posting all the pictures she sent up in her neighborhood. But that is just so wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Even if you did it all to private messages it is still wrong. oh well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Do you believe most people who end up reconciling do so after they start respecting themselves, get their own lives and move on? For example, kick them out and file for divorce? Spark answered wisely. I don't know. I know that it allows the betrayed spouse to get in a healthy place. And make decisions without pressure. I just know that ending the lies, and the disrespect- was the thing I needed the most to be able to be me again. gaslighting is an awful thing. It can take a person under. The only cure for that is truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Even if you did it all to private messages it is still wrong. No, it's not. I have a right to privacy in my private messages. I have close friends and family on FB. I would use it today as they are more likely to read their private FB messages as their emails. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Get on OW and WH FB and copy and paste all their friends contacts. Then send a FB message exposing the affair to all. Send out each message 2 minutes apart so FB does not think your are spaming and shuts you down. This is the method that was being suggested and argued. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 But the billboard would be so much fun! Outside of where they work so they could both see it while walking in with the other 1000 employees. Link to post Share on other sites
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