Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hi all, Some of you may know my story, but I have finally started on the road to healing myself after my H's affair that was 5 months ago. I guess you could say I am doing a 180, but it is for myself, not him. He is moving out this weekend, I am filing for divorce, I am barely speaking to him unless it is about our babies, I am finding a new house for me and the twins, and he is still having an affair with his co-worker, even if he swears he isn't - ha! My question is, does it pay to do a second exposer? He has told everyone that he stopped the affair and he didn't - do I out him? Thanks everyone!!!
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I would say that since you are divorcing him and already exposed the first time.....NO. Let sleeping dog lie!!!! Although if she is married I would let her spouse know it is still going on....only if you have proof. 1
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 I would say that since you are divorcing him and already exposed the first time.....NO. Let sleeping dog lie!!!! Although if she is married I would let her spouse know it is still going on....only if you have proof. He already knows and yes, I have proof. Thanks!
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Sure. why not? While my H was begging to reconcile with me, he was still in contact with her. Everytime I discovered it, I through him out. So, in one of his somewhat snide, somewhat contrite emails to me, I attached one of his emails to her and sent it to his family. his cell phone blew up! I wanted it to be VERY clear, especially to the inlaws, that I was not the bad guy here and I'd be damned if I was going to allow him to spin it that way. What did you have in mind? 8
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Then forge ahead with exposure to her BH. But I would not do anything publicly...just keep up with the 180 and take great care of the babies. Your best revenge is live happily without him.
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Spark - I'm not sure, but it kind of makes me mad that he is painting this picture that he ended the affair, tried at our marriage and it just didn't work out dispite his "best" efforts. The fact is, he never dedicated himself to our marriage and never ended his affair. He is just putting on a face. The inlaws will know why he is moving out this weekend. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 What kind of proof do you have? Anything you can attaché to a friends and family wide announcement, along the lines of: I am sorry to inform you that he and I are separating because of his continued contact with his AP and the situation has grown intolerable for me and my babies. please see attached proof below. he can now be reached at blah, blah. I thank you for your continued support in this matter as I attempt to forge a new future for me and my babies. Whaddya think? 3
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 He pocket dialed me when he was having lunch with her and then I caught him behind a gas station with her...so nothing I could attach to an email. Do you still think he verbiage would be enough? Or do you think at his point people would just feel uncomfortable getting an email like that and think I am a b**ch?
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 He pocket dialed me when he was having lunch with her and then I caught him behind a gas station with her...so nothing I could attach to an email. Do you still think he verbiage would be enough? Or do you think at his point people would just feel uncomfortable getting an email like that and think I am a b**ch? OMG! NO. You can say exactly what you said here to us. No one would think you anything other than the victim you are. one question. How do you know her H knows for SURE? What proof do you have that he was told? Did you tell him directly?
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 I told him directly and she knows that he knows too. They have not had a conversation about it and are acting like it didn't happen. Strange huh?
jwi71 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Or do you think at his point people would just feel uncomfortable getting an email like that and think I am a b**ch? Drop it as you end up looking like the above. You disclosed..you filed...he's moving out. In time, the truth will be known. Or maybe it wont. Doesn't matter - not your problem anymore and its NOT your job to police the OW's M. My advice: Do nothing. You WILL get the desired outcome - you just have to wait a bit for it. Now...focus on YOU, those babies of yours and the future in front of you - not the soap opera playing out around you.
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I told him directly and she knows that he knows too. They have not had a conversation about it and are acting like it didn't happen. Strange huh? Very fishy....like you were explained away as a post-partum nut job, which I think you were. Put him on the email list too. "While my husband has gone to counseling with me and has sworn the affair is over, his cell phone accidently dialed mine during lunch (on this date) and I heard her (name), call him 'Baby.' " "I then saw them meeting in (be specific, dates and times.)" He has also informed me, many, many times, that he is in love with fill in the blank, and no longer with me." Be specific, dates, times. Because of his inability to stop all contact with NAME, and his continued lying regarding this contact with NAME, I have no other choice than to separate and file for divorce. 4
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Apologies. You certainly are not a nut job. It just seems like you were explained away as one. Truth is ALWAYS the best policy. Why be afraid of it? 2
road Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 You need to expose at work. Tell the owner/CEO, board of directors, and the head of human resources. Who did you expose to on the OW? Get on OW and WH FB and copy and paste all their friends contacts. Then send a FB message exposing the affair to all. Send out each message 2 minutes apart so FB does not think your are spaming and shuts you down. Also if OW and WH work for a large corp and you can get email addresses expose to all of those people as well. I hope you expose to WH and OW's parents, siblings, as well. Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 No, the husband doesn't think I am a nut job, he just doesn't want a divorce for fear of losing his kids. I guess you would call him a rug sweeper. I like your script and I will use it if asked directly why he is no longer living here, but Jwi71 may be right, sending out a mass email may look bad. I have a lot on my plate right now and I don't want him to think an email like that is tactic to get him back. But again, when his family, our friends etc ask, I will be honest.
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 You need to expose at work. Tell the owner/CEO, board of directors, and the head of human resources. Who did you expose to on the OW? Get on OW and WH FB and copy and paste all their friends contacts. Then send a FB message exposing the affair to all. Send out each message 2 minutes apart so FB does not think your are spaming and shuts you down. Also if OW and WH work for a large corp and you can get email addresses expose to all of those people as well. I hope you expose to WH and OW's parents, siblings, as well. Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Someone they work with turned them in, they were counseled, but nothing really happened. They work for one of the biggest companies in America. Their jobs require a lot of ethics, so once this is out in the community (with no help from me -the gossip mill will do just fine) they will lose clients etc and their reputations will be ruined. It won't be pretty. Facebook scares me - that seems a bit crazy.his family knows, but they think he stopped the affair.
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 You need to expose at work. Tell the owner/CEO, board of directors, and the head of human resources. Who did you expose to on the OW? Get on OW and WH FB and copy and paste all their friends contacts. Then send a FB message exposing the affair to all. Send out each message 2 minutes apart so FB does not think your are spaming and shuts you down. Also if OW and WH work for a large corp and you can get email addresses expose to all of those people as well. I hope you expose to WH and OW's parents, siblings, as well. Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Do all of this if you want to make sure you will get a divorce. Yes, I know Dr. Harley states essentially the same thing, if not ver betim. But his success rate is only 20% of recovering a marriage, so do so at your own peril. Sorry, but that is childhish behavior.
ComingInHot Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Spark111; If it hasn't been said yet today... You're Awesome!!! "blew up his phone..." I did the same thing* Great minds... great minds... :laugh: 1
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Get on OW and WH FB and copy and paste all their friends contacts. Then send a FB message exposing the affair to all. Send out each message 2 minutes apart so FB does not think your are spaming and shuts you down. Does anyone not see how stupid this makes a BS look?
Author Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Does anyone not see how stupid this makes a BS look? I kind of agree. I'm not mad anymore, I'm just saddened by the whole situation. The last thing I want to do is give anyone a reason to doubt me. I have been a rockstar wife, mother, provider, and friend. If he can't figure that out, it is his lose. 1
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Does anyone not see how stupid this makes a BS look? I think all is fair when you decide to cheat you take a chance on what the consequences will be. Funny thing is that majority of the time, the WS seriously under estimates their BS. Would I do it myself....no. I exposed to a choice few, but not a mass exposure. Just like you never truly know what kind of a person you are bringing into your marriage by having the affair. I have heard many horror stories about APs that go of the deep end too. 1
jwi71 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 No, the husband doesn't think I am a nut job, he just doesn't want a divorce for fear of losing his kids. I guess you would call him a rug sweeper. I like your script and I will use it if asked directly why he is no longer living here, but Jwi71 may be right, sending out a mass email may look bad. I have a lot on my plate right now and I don't want him to think an email like that is tactic to get him back. But again, when his family, our friends etc ask, I will be honest. Now, Im a fan of disclosure - I'd tell the whole freakin' world - and did. BUT. This isn't an initial exposure - its a second go round. The ONLY way, imo, exposure helps is to do so immediately after D-day. The window to disclose is perilously small.... measured in days if even that. Because, with the passage of time, the MOTIVATION for telling becomes less of healing and more of "eff you". And even if that is one's intent, to heal, and that's not it here, it becomes difficult to "sell it" - it just looks petty. Don't lower yourself to that level - keep your head high. Stay out of the fray. Yes, if its appropriate to disclose when asked about your D - do so. Don't lie. Your friends and family have a RIGHT to know the truth. But do go around advertising this either - you missed that chance imo. (and don't worry...your stbxh WILL be back - this I PROMISE - especially if he doesn't want to D) Be patient. Be calm. The best ACTION you can take is nothing. 1
ComingInHot Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Confused3232; At this point, it's my theory that you use whatever evidence you have to help support you and your children with the divorce. I know that sounds super harsh but when it comes to being able to provide for yourself and your children, he is 50% responsible and should be held to that 50%. I don't know what kind of man he is besides one that has chosen to continue cheating. Don't let him Cheat you or your kids out of anything through his tactful manipulations which have been err apparent from your postings... A second exposure to his parents (if alive) and siblings and definitely to the OW's husband but the larger, general population? eh, there could be serious fallout with his job that could affect your child support (if any) and/or alimony (if any)... Again, just thinking about you and your kids here, NOT him... 1
Decorative Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Does anyone not see how stupid this makes a BS look? I got called a hero, praised for how open I was about it, and nobody said I was stupid. I exposed to 60 targets. Not even the OW's friends criticized me. They thanked me- because they had been relatively sure she was lying to them. Her family thanked me. The only people who acted like jerks? My MIL and FIL. Who apparently already knew about the affair. And if they think I'm stupid? That's actually a sign that I am living correctly. LOL So yeah. Notsomuch stupid. 1
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