Yes, MM Do Leave their Wives. Read This Story....

[thefooloftheyear]

Ive stated this before, but its worth mentioning here...

 

I dont have a huge circle of friends but I know of 3 seperate people(men) that left their wives for another woman that they were having an affair with. All are still together, though admittedly not that long. Will they last? Who knows?

 

The common denominator in all of these cases was the marriages were "dead" and the men are wealthy. The way some people on this site talk about these affairs its as if Ward Cleaver two timed June and ruined the perfect family unit. Sure it does happen that way, but it seems like most affairs are borne out of deep problems in the relationship. (BTW, that doesnt justify the behavior...).

 

I think many of the BS arent so much sorry to see their H go, they just fear the unknown that involves many divorces. Its one thing when the BS doesnt work or makes little money or relies heavily on the MM for financial support, yet its another story when there is a lot of money involved and the BS winds up with the house, all the trappings and a big alimony settlement. Sure its never a good thing to see a spouse running off with someone else, but judging by what I have seen, it doesnt seem to sting as much when there is money involved. In fact, I recently saw the BS of one of these cases and she seemed quite happy.

 

Let me say this again..NOT justifying the behavior

 

 

It happens....

[Decorative]

Ive stated this before, but its worth mentioning here...

 

I dont have a huge circle of friends but I know of 3 seperate people(men) that left their wives for another woman that they were having an affair with. All are still together, though admittedly not that long. Will they last? Who knows?

 

The common denominator in all of these cases was the marriages were "dead" and the men are wealthy. The way some people on this site talk about these affairs its as if Ward Cleaver two timed June and ruined the perfect family unit. Sure it does happen that way, but it seems like most affairs are borne out of deep problems in the relationship. (BTW, that doesnt justify the behavior...).

 

I think many of the BS arent so much sorry to see their H go, they just fear the unknown that involves many divorces. Its one thing when the BS doesnt work or makes little money or relies heavily on the MM for financial support, yet its another story when there is a lot of money involved and the BS winds up with the house, all the trappings and a big alimony settlement. Sure its never a good thing to see a spouse running off with someone else, but judging by what I have seen, it doesnt seem to sting as much when there is money involved. In fact, I recently saw the BS of one of these cases and she seemed quite happy.

 

Let me say this again..NOT justifying the behavior

 

 

It happens....

 

Correction.

 

*Most* affairs are born out of deep problems in the wayward spouse. Not the marriage.

 

Read up on affairs. You'll realize your anecdotal evidence and observation of other people's marriages does not data make.

[whichwayisup]

That OW (not me) waited and she got what she wanted

 

Yes, but because his wife busted him, kicked him out and divorced him. He did not leave and divorce his wife by choice. Sorry but the OW inherited the BS's cheating husband. Again, that ain't no prize. But if she is happy with having him because of circumstances, great for her, wish her the best of happiness.

 

But, IF he hadn't been busted, he'd still be married, having that affair with his OW.

[thefooloftheyear]

Correction.

 

*Most* affairs are born out of deep problems in the wayward spouse. Not the marriage.

 

Read up on affairs. You'll realize your anecdotal evidence and observation of other people's marriages does not data make.

 

Perhaps you are correct...nowhere did I state that what I posted was hard and fast analytical data.

 

just an observation, thats all....

[stevie_23]

Ive stated this before, but its worth mentioning here...

 

I dont have a huge circle of friends but I know of 3 seperate people(men) that left their wives for another woman that they were having an affair with. All are still together, though admittedly not that long. Will they last? Who knows?

 

The common denominator in all of these cases was the marriages were "dead" and the men are wealthy. The way some people on this site talk about these affairs its as if Ward Cleaver two timed June and ruined the perfect family unit. Sure it does happen that way, but it seems like most affairs are borne out of deep problems in the relationship. (BTW, that doesnt justify the behavior...).

 

I think many of the BS arent so much sorry to see their H go, they just fear the unknown that involves many divorces. Its one thing when the BS doesnt work or makes little money or relies heavily on the MM for financial support, yet its another story when there is a lot of money involved and the BS winds up with the house, all the trappings and a big alimony settlement. Sure its never a good thing to see a spouse running off with someone else, but judging by what I have seen, it doesnt seem to sting as much when there is money involved. In fact, I recently saw the BS of one of these cases and she seemed quite happy.

 

Let me say this again..NOT justifying the behavior

 

 

It happens....

 

In terms of money, I have often thought this. That having money would ease MY pain at being left by my ex-MM. Of course it wouldn’t touch the heartbreak, but it would make “everything else” so much easier.

 

I think this is why it’s easier when there’s money involved, for all concerned. It’s easier for the OW if she and the MM want to really be together because they CAN do it even if they’re long distance (my ex and I couldn’t afford to fly across the planet to meet even if we’d been able to otherwise), it’s easier for the MM because although extricating yourself from any relationship or marriage is hard and unpleasant, at least he’d have the option of moving out, getting a new place, being independent and not having to worry about being required to stay in that marital unit for financial reasons. And it’s easier for the BS because well, as I said above, not having to worry about money makes everything else NOT related to the heartbreak easier to deal with.

 

I kind of think of it as…if you love your partner it’s hard to lose them. If you need your partner (for practical reasons), it’s scary to lose them. If you both love AND need your partner and then you lose them, it’s the worst case scenario. So…if the BS doesn’t NEED the MM for financial reasons, and no longer maybe needs them for emotional reasons either, then even if they love them in a way (though if the marriage is mostly or all dead, as mentioned above, this may not even be the case), it’s not as bad.

[thefooloftheyear]

In terms of money, I have often thought this. That having money would ease MY pain at being left by my ex-MM. Of course it wouldn’t touch the heartbreak, but it would make “everything else” so much easier.

 

I think this is why it’s easier when there’s money involved, for all concerned. It’s easier for the OW if she and the MM want to really be together because they CAN do it even if they’re long distance (my ex and I couldn’t afford to fly across the planet to meet even if we’d been able to otherwise), it’s easier for the MM because although extricating yourself from any relationship or marriage is hard and unpleasant, at least he’d have the option of moving out, getting a new place, being independent and not having to worry about being required to stay in that marital unit for financial reasons. And it’s easier for the BS because well, as I said above, not having to worry about money makes everything else NOT related to the heartbreak easier to deal with.

 

I kind of think of it as…if you love your partner it’s hard to lose them. If you need your partner (for practical reasons), it’s scary to lose them. If you both love AND need your partner and then you lose them, it’s the worst case scenario. So…if the BS doesn’t NEED the MM for financial reasons, and no longer maybe needs them for emotional reasons either, then even if they love them in a way (though if the marriage is mostly or all dead, as mentioned above, this may not even be the case), it’s not as bad.

 

This was my point.....

 

In one of the cases I mentioned, he was gone in like a month. Bought a new house, set up the OW, etc...I spoke to him and was expecting him to be all down and out..Nope. He told me he gave her the(multimillion $) house, all the cars, then proceeded to tell me "eh, I pay the lawyer a fortune, its not my problem, he'll figure it out" ..seemed a bit cold, but who am I to say..

 

For the rest of the regular folks its not as easy. Its incredibly difficult, even when the marriage is "dead". While many OW/OM think the MM/MW are dragging their feet, they probably arent-they just cant figure out how to make it all work out. Most people are barely making one household work, let alone two. The dynamics change exponentially....

 

TFOY

[stevie_23]

...while her deceitful cowardly exhusband and OW are stuck with each other because they were both too afraid to be authentic honest people?

 

Awww..that is a happy story. I'm so pleased for the BW and it just gives me a warm feeling all over. You go ex wifey!!

 

I don't really think that this is a happy or unhappy ending for anyone.

 

The ex-wife of course was hurt and will be hurt for quite some time, with possible trust issues as well, but at least because she did retain her dignity by choosing not to condone that behaviour she deems unacceptable for her, hopefully she won't be too deeply harmed by this experience in the long run.

 

In terms of the OW and MM being "stuck" with each other, I don't see it this way. Relationships start in all different sorts of circumstances and some of them are just unable to be honest circumstances. It would, of course, be better for them if the MM had made the decision to leave and be with the OW himself instead of being kicked out by the ex-wife, but it doesn't mean the MM and OW can't be happy and have a good, long term relationship together.

[Decorative]

In terms of money, I have often thought this. That having money would ease MY pain at being left by my ex-MM. Of course it wouldn’t touch the heartbreak, but it would make “everything else” so much easier.

 

I think this is why it’s easier when there’s money involved, for all concerned. It’s easier for the OW if she and the MM want to really be together because they CAN do it even if they’re long distance (my ex and I couldn’t afford to fly across the planet to meet even if we’d been able to otherwise), it’s easier for the MM because although extricating yourself from any relationship or marriage is hard and unpleasant, at least he’d have the option of moving out, getting a new place, being independent and not having to worry about being required to stay in that marital unit for financial reasons. And it’s easier for the BS because well, as I said above, not having to worry about money makes everything else NOT related to the heartbreak easier to deal with.

 

I kind of think of it as…if you love your partner it’s hard to lose them. If you need your partner (for practical reasons), it’s scary to lose them. If you both love AND need your partner and then you lose them, it’s the worst case scenario. So…if the BS doesn’t NEED the MM for financial reasons, and no longer maybe needs them for emotional reasons either, then even if they love them in a way (though if the marriage is mostly or all dead, as mentioned above, this may not even be the case), it’s not as bad.

 

I don't need my spouse for money. My interests are well protected. Always have been.

 

It didn't make the emotional fallout from the affair any easier, nor did it make reconciliation any easier.

[stevie_23]

I don't need my spouse for money. My interests are well protected. Always have been.

 

It didn't make the emotional fallout from the affair any easier, nor did it make reconciliation any easier.

 

No, money doesn't touch the emotional side. I never meant to imply that. It just means that at least on TOP of the emotional pain, you don't have to worry about having somewhere to live, having to live with a cheating partner, or if you're the MM having to stay living somewhere you're not the happiest when you'd rather live with the OW, or if the marriage breaks up how either of you will afford to live, etc, etc.

[Decorative]

Absolutely. He may be able to cake eat for several decades before the new wife catches him.

 

My SIL/BIL made it to 8 years before cake came back on the menu.

 

Or at least, cake that we know about. LOL

[stevie_23]

Absolutely. He may be able to cake eat for several decades before the new wife catches him.

 

This is very true unfortunately. I think there will always be the looming doubt of cake for these couples.

[MissBee]

Dear OW,

 

I'm Luckyluss who a few years agao had a brief but very intense affair whose aftermath lasted, well, almost 2 years.

 

For those gorgeous 4 months of our affair, there were almost 2 years of an emotional roller coaster, with my hopes destroyed and revived and destroyed again. Long story short, my MM never came through. For me, that is.

 

As a post-script, I would like to describe what happened to the MM recently.

 

Just after I broke it up with him 3 years ago, he began another affair with the ex-wife of his best friend.

 

His wife found out about that affair by accessing his email and left with his children back to her home country, which was the MM's biggest fear. She also managed to ruin his career as she revealed some unsavory facts from his past to his employer. She also requested an immediate divorce.

 

The MM then had to leave town for several months until he sorted it all out - divorce, employment situation, visa situation. I thought his new affair wouldn't survive the long distance between him and the OW, nor the uncertainty of their fates.

 

But I learned he just got back in town after 1 year of being abroad, and that he just got married to ex-OW. A bit of a shocker, given he was so adamant about never being married again.

 

The morale of that story - for me- is that I wasn't the right one for him. But there was a right OW for him, one who was willing to wait, cajole, be patient. That wasn't me.

 

If you have it in you to be that type of OW, take the gamble, and you may end up the lucky winner. In any case I wish you to eventually find a free and good man who you deserve.

 

I have been since been in a serious relationship with a decent man who adores me and who I have learned to love. Less pizzaz, more honesty, more committment.

 

Do I miss the ex-MM? Sometimes. Do I regret not waiting? No. Because if a relationship is meant to be, it will happen no matter what . MM do leave, they do divorce on their own timeline, which may not necessarily be yours. MM can move mountains for the woman they love. I wasn't the one for him, but he is making someone else happy. And I have found someone I'm happy with, too.

 

So good things can happen despite obstacles.

 

Best to you all!

 

 

Hmmmm it's interesting that you'd report him marrying an other OW as a success story to others.

 

In any case, maybe I'm different, but I don't ready anything wonderful in that story and wouldn't be shocked if in a few years his new wife finds he is also cheating on her. I also haven't read the whole thread, just this initial post, but I'm almost uncertain if you're being sarcastic about this whole post or serious.

 

In any case...I do not think it wise to look at the outside appearance of your ex's new relationship and make judgments about whether or not he is making this person happy etc. I learned that with an ex of mine who is also currently married, a year after having 4 other women as "serious" gfs. I didn't read his marriage as true love winning...but like his dad, who married several times, my ex cannot be alone and marrying someone (for the second time in 5 years) is no big thing to him. I don't care about his life and have no clue how it will pan out but I do know that he has issues and just because he got married...again...doesn't mean his life or the life of the woman he's married to will be happy or healthy, although in pictures everyone seems that way.

 

 

Also...your exMM had no choice. He didn't move mountains for his new OW. His wife left him, took their kids, outed his affair and made him lose his job and then she went to another country. He had no choice but to divorce (which I imagine she and not he filed for) and pick up the pieces! This is not some romantic tale of him choosing the OW against all odds and being noble for love; but rather, he clung to her like driftwood when his ship of lies sank and the life boat sailed off without him. I would NEVER feel comfortable with a man marrying me or even dating me under those circumstances personally. It sounds more like a tale of, when the shyt hit the fan and he was left with nothing, he stuck with the new OW by default to have something versus the nothing and ruination left in the wake of his wife finding out. Had she not left him and left him in shambles at that, he may have very well still be dragging this new OW along and replacing her as needed. I would not write this as some great romance. I hope for her sake I'm just so wrong but this story reads like a rebound marriage borne out of desperation because your world came crashing down.

Edited January 30, 2013 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Ahh. I don't know the real reason they are together...but a serial cheat has little phobia of marriage and a great deal of need to have a "nest" to return to when he is done doing whatever he wants with the females he has affairs with. The AP might have been tenacious or persuasive but she is certainly fallback. He did not leave for her. He was punted, told to hit the road, left in the lurch, hung out to dry...take your pick.

 

This is soooo true!

 

Luckyluss's comments about the OW getting him to marry her and she must have been persuasive and tenacious reminds me of an article I read about women who date narcissists and serial cheaters and otherwise "bad boys" who are noncommittal or emotionally unavailable, but often believe it is something they are doing/not doing why this man won't commit or change. Many women have the need to "change him" or "win him" and will try so hard to get this person to make them the exception to their messed up rule...it doesn't usually work though or only appears to work before they see the truth. These women also tend to be very concerned about these men's new relationships and often internalize things like him marrying someone else etc. as this woman winning (even the idea winning..what?) and doing something she couldn't and many often feel badly about it and wonder why her. They internalize the belief that getting a cheater/bad boy/narcissist to change for them means they are valuable, persuasive, tenacious, etc. But the reality is...many of these men do not change and these new women won nothing and the former woman still wondering about it has her own stuff to deal with hence her flawed view of this man's new relationship and probably secret envy that she couldn't be special enough like this other woman.

 

Like my example with my ex, I realized long before he married anew, after seeing him go through woman after woman, that he simply was a man with issues and who needed a woman there. Marrying was no greater signal of a woman's "worth" and was no guarantee that she wouldn't eventually end up like his previous ex-wife. My dad is also a serial cheater and has never left to be with any of the OW because of his need for a "nest". Basically, as long as the wife doesn't divorce, serial cheaters won't either. I'm sure though that if my mom got the courage to leave him high and dry he'd probably take up and run down the aisle with an OW simply so he wouldn't be alone. If some other OW was seeing this and being envious she would be ridiculous, based on my "inside perspective". A big misconception is that people with commitment issues and issues of emotional unavailability won't marry or form relationships. They do...everyday...all the time. Many simply form relationships as they have some benefit but cheat while in it or do other things to create emotional distance. Certainly him being married and cheating with 2 different women and now marrying his best friend's ex-wife etc. doesn't speak well for him and shows more strongly than anything that people who cannot commit or maintain relationships (platonic and romantic in his case) still form new ones everyday and continue the mess.

[obladi]

guess I'm like this guy I left w to be with girlfirend years ago but only after gf outed our A to xw. Yea I was bad an Im sorry now but i see I needed gf to make me change. Wish id of done it years b4 now its too late to have baby with gf we woud of liked too.things are good now tho with us. So yea we mm leave but were no prize but it can still work out sometimes

[Decorative]

guess I'm like this guy I left w to be with girlfirend years ago but only after gf outed our A to xw. Yea I was bad an Im sorry now but i see I needed gf to make me change. Wish id of done it years b4 now its too late to have baby with gf we woud of liked too.things are good now tho with us. So yea we mm leave but were no prize but it can still work out sometimes

 

You didn't leave. Your GF let your wife know that you were cheating on her to force a DDay.

 

That's not exactly you leaving your wife for your girlfriend. That's the girlfriend upping the ante to knock you off a fence and make your wife angry.

 

Big difference.

[waterwoman]

He lost his children FFS! How many times is that little gem going to come up in arguments I wonder....

[Yellowteacup]

In my experience, once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Mount]

To stir the water, like the water not messy enough already?

 

You posted this very same thread in April 2011...why are you posting it again?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/274857-ex-ow-there-hope

[Luckyluss]

The MM got remarried. He kept a long distance relationship alive for a long time with his AP. I assumed he found someone else abroad. But he stuck it out and married her. Big difference in my opinion.

[Lostinlife4now]

He lost you, his best friend I would assume, his wife, his children, his job and his assets.....His children live in another country, but we should be happy he married the ex-wife of his best friend, the woman who also had an affair with him?

 

what you see as a wonderful love story ending, I view as a train wreck of broken hearted disaster.

 

why would anyone wait or think THAT man a prize, one worth waiting for?

 

Unless you view it as some sort of victory over his evil xW?

 

because I view him as a fluster cluck of serial cheating cowardice and relational disaster.

 

I'd tell my daughters to stay FAR, FAR away from THAT man.

 

 

I love FLUSTER CLUCK.....Good one Spark...that made me laff...I learned new words....Thanks....

[bentnotbroken]

:confused:Mmmmmm....interesting.

[stevie_23]

Well, that makes his behavior SO much more exemplary than that of all those OTHER no good, rotten cheaters - you know, because he always marries the woman he's playing with on the side.

 

I'm beginning to think I'm living in some kind of alternate universe.

 

I never meant to say his behaviour was acceptable. I just meant that he had more of an overlap between relationships than usual. Instead of leaving his marriages when he wasn't happy anymore, and then having a gap before falling for someone else, he stayed too long, fell for someone, cheated with them and THEN left the marriage finally to be with the OW, and married her.

 

Of course I know this is terrible as well as men who "just cheat" and never leave their marriages.

[bentnotbroken]

I never meant to say his behaviour was acceptable. I just meant that he had more of an overlap between relationships than usual. Instead of leaving his marriages when he wasn't happy anymore, and then having a gap before falling for someone else, he stayed too long, fell for someone, cheated with them and THEN left the marriage finally to be with the OW, and married her.

 

Of course I know this is terrible as well as men who "just cheat" and never leave their marriages.

 

 

Or he made sure he had a safe place to land so he lined up his next home before leaving the one he is already in. Thus making sure he is never on his own, taking care of himself or being an adult. Wonder which one it really is?

[stevie_23]

Or he made sure he had a safe place to land so he lined up his next home before leaving the one he is already in. Thus making sure he is never on his own, taking care of himself or being an adult. Wonder which one it really is?

 

Yes, true. All of the above.

[Journee]

So in the event that an OW would one day want to have a monogamous relationship with her MM she may very well become a wife to the MM. A wife is a spouse who may or may not be betrayed. If past behavior can be an indicator for future behavior, OWs may not want to celebrate. They may become the dreaded BS themselves. Oh wait, they would be the exception. He wouldn't dream of deceiving them.