Luckyluss Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Hey you all OW, Some of you may remember me, I'm Luckyluss who had a brief but very intense affair whose aftermath lastest, well, almost 2 years. For those gorgeous 4 months of our affair, there were almost 2 years of an emotional roller coaster, with my hopes destroyed and revived and destroyed again. Went NC 2 times, the first one of 2 months was unsuccessul and resulted in the resuming of the affair, and I broke it off for good last year in April. The ride had ended for me when I understood he would not leave his wife for thr time being, nor would he ever follow up on his affirmation that he would leave her at Christmas, June, the end of summer, whatever. I was as burned out and hopeless - most of you know the feeling. I had never stopped dating other men throughout my affair as a way to protect myself (I wasn't successful either in the quality of dates or the self-protection, oh well!) but for the last year, I have been in a serious relationship with a decent man who adores me and who I have learned to love. Less pizzaz, more honesty, more committment. So good things can happen. As a post-script, I would like to describe what happened to the MM most recently, since he keeps in touch every so often. Just after I broke it up last year, he began another affair with the ex-wife of his best friend who is (was) also his wife's good friend. He told me he also promised her he would leave soon. I'm sure you can imagine how close to home and screwed up this is. The wife found out and left with his children permanently and immediately back to her country. That was the MM's biggest fear. She also managed to put his career on hold as she had threaten to reveal some unsavory facts to his employer. So now he has to leave town for several months until he sorts it all out. As for the new OW, well, she sure got a choice package! I'm glad I'm not the lucky winner. Dear OW, in the majority of cases, know that a guy who doesn't keep his promises right away will not change and that you deserve better, and as long as you are able to get out of that relationship, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes to heal, you will eventually find a free and good man who you deserve. Best to you all!
Hazyhead Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Congratulations, LuckyLuss What a fantastically hopeful post. This is the side we dont as often read here so I'm so glad you came back to update us. It's funny that the whole time you're in the affair, you think the only thing you wish for is for them to leave their marriage, BUT, they never leave their baggage, they just pass it on to you. You dodged a bullet. I wish you the very best with your new man
BB07 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Hey Luckyluss........I'm so happy for you and like you I'm another xow who is very, very happy I didn't end up with him. When in an affair setting it's very difficult to see then for who they really are and lots of times when we do get our awakening, we look back and are glad we dodged the bullet. I know I dodged a big one. Wishing you much happiness in your future Luckyluss and take care!
Breezy Trousers Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 LuckyLuss, Thanks for coming back and sharing your experience with everyone. I'm glad you're doing so well! You've given great advice, especially when you say you've learned to love your new man. Some people may interpret your comment as "settling." I think it's a sign of emotional maturity. Affairs can be as addictive as crack. Healthy, safe relationships will never have the same adrenaline-rush extremes of unhealthy, unsafe relationships. (I've had two happy relationships in my life -- my husband and I are going on 23 years now -- and in the beginning of both relationships, I looked at these kind, handsome guys and thought, "Meh. Cute, but not my type." With MM, who is homely and controlling, I was ready to rip my clothes off in the elevator.) I'm not surprised your MM began an affair right after you broke up with him and with a woman to close to BS. I think these guys have lots of anger toward women, which they act out through affairs/triangulation. However, I am surprised to hear that you periodically stay in contact with your ex-MM. Are you worried that he'll start knocking on your door again for attention, or do you think it's clear to him that you've completely disengaged? Just curious. Regardless, you sound very level-headed and strong. Cheers to you!!!
Author Luckyluss Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Breezy Trousers, In response to why I see him: Shortly after we were over, I had a second period of NC lasting 6 months, during which I disengaged and mourned. Anyway, I sensed he was having another affair and I also needed silence from him in order to firm up the relationship with my new BF. When I felt ready and not angry or sad anymore, I felt comfortable having episodic contact, as he had had a special place in my life and I was curious to know how he was. As I saw him, I realized that for me it was part of the process of disengaging and be able to be in his company without having adrenaline rushes and the longing and the like. I gotta say that when he came out and told me the story of the BF kicking him out, I was so happy I had been out the picture for a long time and I felt fortunate to be where I am, which a great guy who I feel very content with. And you're right, contentment without adrenaline is not settlement. I had much suffereing before I got there and plenty of time in between to think of the relationship I really wanted!
Breezy Trousers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Breezy Trousers, In response to why I see him: Shortly after we were over, I had a second period of NC lasting 6 months, during which I disengaged and mourned. Anyway, I sensed he was having another affair and I also needed silence from him in order to firm up the relationship with my new BF. When I felt ready and not angry or sad anymore, I felt comfortable having episodic contact, as he had had a special place in my life and I was curious to know how he was. As I saw him, I realized that for me it was part of the process of disengaging and be able to be in his company without having adrenaline rushes and the longing and the like. I gotta say that when he came out and told me the story of the BF kicking him out, I was so happy I had been out the picture for a long time and I felt fortunate to be where I am, which a great guy who I feel very content with. And you're right, contentment without adrenaline is not settlement. I had much suffereing before I got there and plenty of time in between to think of the relationship I really wanted! Thanks for being patient with my curiosity. Your explanation makes complete sense, Lucky. The fact that you didn't put your life on hold for MM probably made a difference. It suggests to me that you continued to honor yourself, despite a difficult situation.
SunsetRed Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I'm feeling the hope too! I seriously thought I'd never recover from my xMM. I thought there was something wrong with me, some type of defect that kept me from moving on but when I awoke on month 7 of our break up, something clicked in me and just like that, I decided I was over and done with him and wanting him back. My life continues to be blessed and his continues to be the same. He did call me at the 6 month mark with a lot of blah blah blah. He'd "leave for good if only he could get all of his vehicles fixed, get his bills paid" etc. I'm glad I'm not in his life, feeling like 2nd best and helping him clean up his sh#t. Thanks for sharing your hope..I'm feeling it too and it feels Effing Great! 1
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