The Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED

[aMguilts]

like the update

 

i certainly would`t be here if it wasn`t for guides like this

 

thank you CG

thank you tara

 

aM

[nolanola]

I haven't been on this forum in about 2 years. Before that, I was still dealing with my ex, getting stupid occasional text messages, running into him at my part time job, feeling terrible, and basically stuck in the mud. I would come on here, read about NC and get all fired up about it. Then, I would see him, or get a text from him, and I would crumble. I would feel frustrated and like I was starting all over again. I wanted to feel better but I didn't know how to get there.

Then I finally had the last straw. He sent me a text message that he apparently meant to send to someone else. Talk about your rude awakenings. That hurt me in ways that I didn't think I could still be hurt by him (at that point almost 2 years after we had officially broken up). It turned out to be a good thing, though, because it inspired me to be truly NC. I deleted his number, got rid of the things that reminded me of him, and even quit the part time job. All so that I could truly get away from him. It was hard - I think it was even harder than right after we broke up.

Now I'm over 2 years NC. I feel a lot better. A LOT. Am I completely over it? No. I still have times where I will think of him and get mad or sad but this happens less and less. Sometimes I even wish he would call or text, just so that I could be mean to him (hey, I'm human). But, I get over those feelings pretty quickly when they happen. I forgot his birthday this past year - never thought that would happen. Sometimes days will go by that I don't even think of him at all.

NC works. It really does - but it is hard. You have to be ready. When you decide that you are tired enough of being hurt or manipulated, you can do it.

[crashvector]

I haven't been on this forum in about 2 years. Before that, I was still dealing with my ex, getting stupid occasional text messages, running into him at my part time job, feeling terrible, and basically stuck in the mud. I would come on here, read about NC and get all fired up about it. Then, I would see him, or get a text from him, and I would crumble. I would feel frustrated and like I was starting all over again. I wanted to feel better but I didn't know how to get there.

Then I finally had the last straw. He sent me a text message that he apparently meant to send to someone else. Talk about your rude awakenings. That hurt me in ways that I didn't think I could still be hurt by him (at that point almost 2 years after we had officially broken up). It turned out to be a good thing, though, because it inspired me to be truly NC. I deleted his number, got rid of the things that reminded me of him, and even quit the part time job. All so that I could truly get away from him. It was hard - I think it was even harder than right after we broke up.

Now I'm over 2 years NC. I feel a lot better. A LOT. Am I completely over it? No. I still have times where I will think of him and get mad or sad but this happens less and less. Sometimes I even wish he would call or text, just so that I could be mean to him (hey, I'm human). But, I get over those feelings pretty quickly when they happen. I forgot his birthday this past year - never thought that would happen. Sometimes days will go by that I don't even think of him at all.

NC works. It really does - but it is hard. You have to be ready. When you decide that you are tired enough of being hurt or manipulated, you can do it.

 

Day 1 of the breakup...hell...within 3 hours, I was walking around my house with a garbage bag throwing away EVERYTHING I saw that reminded me of her in ANY way.

 

Yeah, I tossed out a lot of cool stuff, but at least I havent had to see any of it.

 

I went so far as to throw out shower gels and colognes that she said smelled good on me because it reminded me of her...I went hardcore about it.

 

I broke ONCE since Dec 27th and sent her a quick email about a week or so after the breakup, but have been complete and total NC since.

 

It *IS* tough. I STILL have the urge to contact her, but wont allow myself to do it. After being divorced, I know better.....ANY contact for ANY reason will only make things worse for ME.

[Kristopher1]

I love my ex, and I've been NC for four days now. I was great to her, loved her with everything I have and she knows it to be true. The breakup was silly, it was because I called her a liar and she hates it. we've both been having some problems for the past month or two with trust issues etc. I know once we hadn't talked for a day and once I had sent her a message she was so happy you wouldn't believe it, the things she was saying to me was amazing and I felt this girl really does love me. However this time, she's ignored me pretty much and that she said she doesn't have anything to say, and she prefers not to be with someone who thinks of her as a liar. I've apologized, put her problems before my own, I even told her that as much as I'm upset I've put everything aside so that you feel better and this is how you are ending it? This person I've known since I was little, I really do love her and miss her.

 

Thank you for the this thread, I'll try my best to follow it, however if she does contact me, and says she loves me and misses me, how do I respond to that? On the basis that I should be showing her that I'm not "fussed" about the breakup, or can I respond with my feelings towards her and tell her I feel the same way?

 

Thank you

[TaraMaiden]

.... if she does contact me, and says she loves me and misses me, how do I respond to that? On the basis that I should be showing her that I'm not "fussed" about the breakup, or can I respond with my feelings towards her and tell her I feel the same way?

 

Thank you

 

Remember this:

Unless there is a definite, emphatic and unambiguous request to get back together, EVERYTHING else is just normally considered 'breadcrumbs'.

 

If she really does want to reconcile, she will make sure you "Get" that message.

 

Showing ' you're not fussed' isn't the point.

 

You don't want to show you are uncaring.

You want to show that you are detaching in order to heal, and move on.

 

Those in No Contact are very much 'fussed' at this juncture. They're in NC precisely because they care too much.

 

In time, if this is meant to be, then something will happen to demonstrate that there is a possibility.

 

In time, if this is not meant to be, then you will develop and cultivate Indifference.

You will still have the memory and experience of your relationship - but it won't make your heart lurch and leap in anguish and distress, when you think of it.

 

It will simply be the memory of an episode, from which you emerged a bit beaten, a bit bruised, but which gave you new experience and knowledge to use for your next relationship....

[Kristopher1]

Remember this:

Unless there is a definite, emphatic and unambiguous request to get back together, EVERYTHING else is just normally considered 'breadcrumbs'.

 

If she really does want to reconcile, she will make sure you "Get" that message.

 

Showing ' you're not fussed' isn't the point.

 

You don't want to show you are uncaring.

You want to show that you are detaching in order to heal, and move on.

 

Those in No Contact are very much 'fussed' at this juncture. They're in NC precisely because they care too much.

 

In time, if this is meant to be, then something will happen to demonstrate that there is a possibility.

 

In time, if this is not meant to be, then you will develop and cultivate Indifference.

You will still have the memory and experience of your relationship - but it won't make your heart lurch and leap in anguish and distress, when you think of it.

 

It will simply be the memory of an episode, from which you emerged a bit beaten, a bit bruised, but which gave you new experience and knowledge to use for your next relationship....

 

Tara,

 

Thank you so much! I understand much better now.

 

There is this other issue, asking you is probably the best thing to do!

 

Before this relationship began, she said that she has a lot of pride, and that if there was ever an argument it was very unlikely that she would come forward and admit to her mistakes. She said that I would have to be the one, despite being correct in the relationship, to make things right as she just for some reason cannot do it herself! Weird huh?

 

Before the NC I probably sent 13 Text messages total, and received 7 in return, 3 of which was telling me to send again as she hadn't received the messages fully. although most of my texts were probably me being needy and insecure.

 

Shall I continue with the NC or try again with a better approach? I'm just thinking shes sitting there saying why hasn't he come back again when he knows he's the one who has to do something!

 

Again, when I was told this I was shocked, but I said sure...

 

Thanks

Edited February 24, 2013 by Kristopher1

[TaraMaiden]

Before this relationship began, she said that she has a lot of pride, and that if there was ever an argument it was very unlikely that should come forward and admit to her mistakes. She said that I would have to be the one, despite being correct in the relationship, to make things right as she just for some reason cannot do it herself! Weird huh?

 

Not weird at all.

This is sheer Ego.

She's being a real Prima Donna.

 

"I make the mistake, but i will not concede that, so you have to do the running.

I am in error, but it's up to you to come to me for the apology.

I screwed up - but it's your job to point out to me that it needs to be put right, and you have to do the work."

 

EXCUSE - ME - ?!?

 

Shall I continue with the NC or try again with a better approach? I'm just thinking shes sitting there saying why hasn't he come back again when he knows he's the one who has to do something!

 

Explain to me, logically, why when she is the one to have put the kibosh on this, YOU are the one who has to mend, repair, put right and remedy - HER cock-up?

 

Absolutely NOT!

Time to man up, hun, grow a pair, and quit being her accommodating little doormat!!

 

you continue with NC, most definitely.

In time, her egotistical pride will trip her up, and she will come to realise that Pride Comes before a Fall.

 

And when she falls - you must, on all accounts, not be there to provide a cushion. Oh, no.

[Kristopher1]

Not weird at all.

This is sheer Ego.

She's being a real Prima Donna.

 

"I make the mistake, but i will not concede that, so you have to do the running.

I am in error, but it's up to you to come to me for the apology.

I screwed up - but it's your job to point out to me that it needs to be put right, and you have to do the work."

 

EXCUSE - ME - ?!?

 

 

 

Explain to me, logically, why when she is the one to have put the kibosh on this, YOU are the one who has to mend, repair, put right and remedy - HER cock-up?

 

Absolutely NOT!

Time to man up, hun, grow a pair, and quit being her accommodating little doormat!!

 

you continue with NC, most definitely.

In time, her egotistical pride will trip her up, and she will come to realise that Pride Comes before a Fall.

 

And when she falls - you must, on all accounts, not be there to provide a cushion. Oh, no.

 

Sighhh, was so close to breaking NC again. Had to read your posts Tara to stop myself!

 

I just can't help but ponder whether or not she's feeling the same way and is waiting for me to make a move..!! Or if she will move on with somebody else the longer I keep NC as she expects me to make more effort!!!! I'm going crazy again, I know.

 

I have a pair...but I lose em when it comes down to these situations.

 

EKSJHSEKJHK35HKJ3H43CZJZ34H34.

 

Oh, did I mention EKSJHSEKJHK35HKJ3H43CZJZ34H34? Ok good.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Kristopher1

[Drummerboy420]

This was an amazing read. I needed this! Freaking awesome.

[lostindreams]

"and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone"

 

 

 

thats pretty much me right now.

 

 

 

 

Your NC guide is pure gold. best advice in the world

[Thunderchild]

Sighhh, was so close to breaking NC again. Had to read your posts Tara to stop myself!

 

I just can't help but ponder whether or not she's feeling the same way and is waiting for me to make a move..!! Or if she will move on with somebody else the longer I keep NC as she expects me to make more effort!!!! I'm going crazy again, I know.

 

I have a pair...but I lose em when it comes down to these situations.

 

EKSJHSEKJHK35HKJ3H43CZJZ34H34.

 

Oh, did I mention EKSJHSEKJHK35HKJ3H43CZJZ34H34? Ok good.

 

Too right! Why is it up to you to sort out her mess??

[Sososad]

Gotta say this guide is spot on.. I followed what I wanted to and thought

Ill be ok I know best...

Lesson learned...

Stay no contact. . Going back to get closure/try again or whatever if the persons

Mind hasn't change it destroys your progress...

Build on yourself this guide works.

We're not all here anti-love and happiness we just learned the hard way that

Staying in touch hurts to much ...

Hope this helps

[mikeyv44]

Learn from my mistakes

First off this forum has been helpful. Unfortunately, I never listened to anybody, and was stubborn after the breakup with my recent ex girlfriend. So my hope is to help others.

 

I dated a wonderful girl for 6 months. I know it wasn't a very long time, but to me I was happy. I'm 27 years old, and my first mistake that I made was that I fallen for her pretty hard, and I set myself up to get hurt. My ex-girlfriend was 23 yeas old, but much more mature for her age, and I'm usually not the type to fall for younger women. Still, there was something unique about her that I liked.

 

Our relationship was great, we had no fights, and we spent alot of our free time together. Things were going well until on Feb5th, I took her out to dinner and I can tell something was wrong. She wasn't acting like herself, and from a discussion at dinner she told me her ex called her, and it caused a huge fight between them leaving her in tears. Her previous ex and her were together for 5 years prior to us dating, and she told me that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore, and that she needs time to work on herself. She didn't go back to her previous ex, because he was verbally abusive to her, and cheated on her multiple times. She just said it was "bad timing" and that she jumped into a relationship too soon with me.

 

I was heartbroken, and like a fool I couldn't keep the no contact thing from happening. I had so many questions that were left unanswered. I had so many feelings of "what if I did this" or "maybe if I said this" could things have worked out between us. I even bargained to be there for her as a friend, and in hope that in time she would realize that I was a great guy that we could get back together. What I should have done was moved on, and established a great deal of time of no contact, mostly for myself and my mental health.

 

I never let myself recover from the break up. Which was a shock for me. I didn't talk to her for about 2 weeks initially, until I broke and texted her. She was so happy to hear from me that we ended up talking on the phone for 2 hours, and at the end she asked when are we going to talk again? I said soon, and she said ok, have a goodnight! I was overjoyed, and called her again 2 days later. It wasn't the same, and she seemed preoccupied the whole time, and it ended up in an awkward silence and she told me she would call me later that night. She never did, and I was destroyed. Like a fool I facebook messaged her saying I still liked her, and that I needed some time before we could talk again.

 

I waited another 2 weeks, until I broke again and texted her. Nothing good came out of it. Through text she said that she didn't see it in the cards of us getting back together again. A day later I saw her delete all of our pics together on facebook, and a new uploaded pic of her and her previous ex. I was destroyed, and I overreacted from it. I messaged her that I was upset to see a pic of her and another guy, and that she deleted our pics that were memories. I told her that I had to unfriend her because I can't see pics of her with someone else, and especially of those two, and I would die when i see her in a relationship with someone else.

 

This sunday it was my birthday, and i don't know why but i texted her. I was depressed and to be honest I missed her greatly. I told her the truth that I missed her, and she told me that I had to get myself together, and that she thinks we shouldn't talk anymore. I have been destroyed ever since.

 

The thing is, no matter how you feel, no matter what you may think, and no matter what memories/experiences you had. The best medicine for any breakup is to move on, and not contact the other half. If you contact them, even if your intentions are good on both sides, you will somehow rip each other apart. The best advice for everyone out here, is to just let it go, and move on with your life.

 

I wish you all that took the time to read this the best, and hopefully my story will help benefit you to not make the same mistakes that I did.

[adelia]

Sitting here feeling your hurt. that is so painful! From a lot of the posts i read the social forms like fb etc really impact ppl. im one of the few that doesnt use fb and im glad! Sounds like more trouble than its worth in the way of breakups. i did have it a few yrs ago with my ex and i unfriended him because i couldnt handle seeing his new gf and their posts to each other.

If its any consolation shes not stringing you along at least and made it clear shes moved on. good luck

 

Learn from my mistakes

First off this forum has been helpful. Unfortunately, I never listened to anybody, and was stubborn after the breakup with my recent ex girlfriend. So my hope is to help others.

 

I dated a wonderful girl for 6 months. I know it wasn't a very long time, but to me I was happy. I'm 27 years old, and my first mistake that I made was that I fallen for her pretty hard, and I set myself up to get hurt. My ex-girlfriend was 23 yeas old, but much more mature for her age, and I'm usually not the type to fall for younger women. Still, there was something unique about her that I liked.

 

Our relationship was great, we had no fights, and we spent alot of our free time together. Things were going well until on Feb5th, I took her out to dinner and I can tell something was wrong. She wasn't acting like herself, and from a discussion at dinner she told me her ex called her, and it caused a huge fight between them leaving her in tears. Her previous ex and her were together for 5 years prior to us dating, and she told me that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore, and that she needs time to work on herself. She didn't go back to her previous ex, because he was verbally abusive to her, and cheated on her multiple times. She just said it was "bad timing" and that she jumped into a relationship too soon with me.

 

I was heartbroken, and like a fool I couldn't keep the no contact thing from happening. I had so many questions that were left unanswered. I had so many feelings of "what if I did this" or "maybe if I said this" could things have worked out between us. I even bargained to be there for her as a friend, and in hope that in time she would realize that I was a great guy that we could get back together. What I should have done was moved on, and established a great deal of time of no contact, mostly for myself and my mental health.

 

I never let myself recover from the break up. Which was a shock for me. I didn't talk to her for about 2 weeks initially, until I broke and texted her. She was so happy to hear from me that we ended up talking on the phone for 2 hours, and at the end she asked when are we going to talk again? I said soon, and she said ok, have a goodnight! I was overjoyed, and called her again 2 days later. It wasn't the same, and she seemed preoccupied the whole time, and it ended up in an awkward silence and she told me she would call me later that night. She never did, and I was destroyed. Like a fool I facebook messaged her saying I still liked her, and that I needed some time before we could talk again.

 

I waited another 2 weeks, until I broke again and texted her. Nothing good came out of it. Through text she said that she didn't see it in the cards of us getting back together again. A day later I saw her delete all of our pics together on facebook, and a new uploaded pic of her and her previous ex. I was destroyed, and I overreacted from it. I messaged her that I was upset to see a pic of her and another guy, and that she deleted our pics that were memories. I told her that I had to unfriend her because I can't see pics of her with someone else, and especially of those two, and I would die when i see her in a relationship with someone else.

 

This sunday it was my birthday, and i don't know why but i texted her. I was depressed and to be honest I missed her greatly. I told her the truth that I missed her, and she told me that I had to get myself together, and that she thinks we shouldn't talk anymore. I have been destroyed ever since.

 

The thing is, no matter how you feel, no matter what you may think, and no matter what memories/experiences you had. The best medicine for any breakup is to move on, and not contact the other half. If you contact them, even if your intentions are good on both sides, you will somehow rip each other apart. The best advice for everyone out here, is to just let it go, and move on with your life.

 

I wish you all that took the time to read this the best, and hopefully my story will help benefit you to not make the same mistakes that I did.

[maino]

Thanks so much TaraMaiden I'll use this for sure.

@mikeyv44 bro we in the same boat. Im new here and I never thought so many people go through heart ache, so glad this forum exists:D

I've now gone and blocked my ex on FB and added her to my reject list on my phone and I already feel better.

[movingon45]

sad part is he (caliguy) chased his ex for 6+ years

 

he didnt follow his own advice... his last post on this forum was him looking at her fb account... YEARS later... yawn!

 

How about you, Tara Maiden, how are you doing? Were you able to follow your own advice? I hope so because what you wrote gives us motivation. I continue to struggle with this NC and LC but yes, it gets better. The first 2 weeks are the hardest. It's been 7 months since I broke up with him and yet I still miss him and I'm guilty of breaking NC. He, on the other hand, has done so well. It seems like he read your updated guideline and followed everything to the letter!

[TaraMaiden]

Look at my Post Count.

look at how long I've been here.

look at the 'Like's I have so kindly and generously received from so many other wonderful members. (Bless their cotton socks!! )

 

Would I still be here, posting the same thing, day in, day out, repetitively, ad nauseam if I didn't believe or know it worked?

 

I have on many occasions received criticism and at times, even ridicule for being so 'hard-ball' about it.

Sadly, (and I mean that) I have in far too many cases, been proved right.

 

Damn shame....

The times going against what I offer, has worked, is really proportionately too small to hitch one's wagon to - I know 'everyone is different, and circumstances change' - I get that.

 

But sadly, one undeniable fact is Black and White, for sure, for sure.

 

"You've" broken up.

 

One of you figured enough was enough.

CPR isn't going to work.

[movingon45]

I love my ex, and I've been NC for four days now. I was great to her, loved her with everything I have and she knows it to be true. The breakup was silly, it was because I called her a liar and she hates it. we've both been having some problems for the past month or two with trust issues etc. I know once we hadn't talked for a day and once I had sent her a message she was so happy you wouldn't believe it, the things she was saying to me was amazing and I felt this girl really does love me. However this time, she's ignored me pretty much and that she said she doesn't have anything to say, and she prefers not to be with someone who thinks of her as a liar. I've apologized, put her problems before my own, I even told her that as much as I'm upset I've put everything aside so that you feel better and this is how you are ending it? This person I've known since I was little, I really do love her and miss her.

 

Same with me re the LIAR thing! Ours was e said she said and then he said that I'm basically calling him a liar and that he's so hurt because no one has ever accused him of that. He has never forgiven me and he has been very good with NC. He just broke it for very few times, while I have been struggling with it.

[sunrise24]

I know someone who broke up with her boyfriend about 5 months ago; she still has his number and some texts saved. Apparently, he is the kind of guy who harbors deep vengeance. When I implicitly mentioned No Contact to her, she indicated that he would drive over to her place from hundreds of miles away (he still knows where she lives) should she try to stop all contact with him. Apparently, he is a perpetually imminent threat to her safety and well being. How can that kind of person be dealt with?

[Appleness]

I want to also thank Tara and Caliguy. You guys are so magnificent!

 

Nearing my 1 year mark post-BU and seriously, I never thought I'd say this but I feel great!

 

I've been full on NC since Thanksgiving. Had a party at a mutual friend's but avoided him like the plague and gave only 3 one-word-answers when he cornered me to "talk" before I hightailed it out of there.

 

"Are you doing okay?" "Yes."

"How is school?" " Good."

"How's the party?" "Awesome."

 

I realized 2 weeks ago that I'm just over it now. I got a breadcrumb via text. Said something like "I'd like to hear from you every now and then. Please take care of yourself, A." (There might have been more but that's all I saw from the screen preview.) I just hit delete without reading it and went to the gym. I hope he's not holding his breath for a reply....

 

In Human Development class, my professor pointed out that the word "forgive" is actually a modern take on the original "to give". It means no longer holding the memory of that person who wronged you and giving it so that they can take back responsibility for what they did. I think I can live with that.

Edited April 13, 2013 by Appleness

[CaliGuy]

You're welcome!

[TaraMaiden]

CoolioGuy is back!!

 

[GMG90]

I must say, this guide is excellent!

 

It's interesting how communicating with ex is almost like a smoking/drinking/gambling addiction. You know you wanna stop and you even try, but at times we all can relapse. I can say that with my bipolar guy, I've gone as far as a month without talking. For some reason I allow myself to get sucked to his crying... I mean, he literally bawls his eyes out on the phone and in person. Is it bad that the human inside of me feels horrifically bad for him and breaks NC? I feel like I disappointed myself but my caring instinct kicks in... creates a confusing internal conflict.

 

I figure I'll have to just delete the voicemail before I can even hear it.

Edited April 14, 2013 by GMG90

[CaliGuy]

CoolioGuy is back!!

 

 

Thanks ma'am. Doing fine and sooooooo glad to be home in SOCAL (Even if a lot of my friends left for what they think (right now) is greener pastures).

 

Good to see you are still helping people. I myself and thinking it's about time I got off my duff and re-entered the dating world. I'm in a prime spot right now so have a lot to offer and even if I am being picky a bit, I know I'll find Ms. Right one day

 

How have YOU been?

[CaliGuy]

I must say, this guide is excellent!

 

It's interesting how communicating with ex is almost like a smoking/drinking/gambling addiction. You know you wanna stop and you even try, but at times we all can relapse. I can say that with my bipolar guy, I've gone as far as a month without talking. For some reason I allow myself to get sucked to his crying... I mean, he literally bawls his eyes out on the phone and in person. Is it bad that the human inside of me feels horrifically bad for him and breaks NC? I feel like I disappointed myself but my caring instinct kicks in... creates a confusing internal conflict.

 

I figure I'll have to just delete the voicemail before I can even hear it.

 

Sometimes it takes years to get over someone, but once you do you'll be asking yourself "What the heck was wrong with me?!"

 

Hormones.

 

Love -- can sometimes be an evil thing...