The Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED

[Lone]

They do, and they have.

The thing is, if an ex wants you back in their lives, romantically, because they made a mistake, they will say so.

 

They will find a way of - in one way or another - sending you a clear message that they 'made a mistake'.

 

Until you get that message - clear as a foghorn - everything else is just breadcrumbs.

 

Some exes will even selfishly 'test the waters' to see how far over them you are, by sending vague hints, or dangling carrots.... this gets your hopes up and makes you feel there might be another chance - then, they go silent again, or say they're confused, don't know what they want, but don't want to hurt you....

 

Again.

 

Believe me - one look at the 'second Chances' forum will tell you how rare they are....

 

Tara, do you think there is any specific time frame that this may or may not happen? Or is it a case-by-case situation? I mean would it be safe to assume that after say 6 months if you havent heard anything its most likely 100% over for good?

[PurpleMonkeyDishwash]

I guess my situation is slightly different. She is just going to be moving to another state in 4-5 months, and wanted to end it sooner rather than later so it wasn't much harder on us down the line. She still has feelings, but she started to make herself begin to get over them once she knew she'd be leaving. She's made it obvious through words and actions that it was/has been really hard for her too.

 

We did have our "last day", and she was pretty mushy about it. She wore the same clothes she wore on our first date, pointed it out to me to make sure I noticed, acted very romantic, etc. But when she left she said we couldn't spend any more time together. She said we could still talk, but she was going to start distancing herself more. She later paused and said if she changed her mind about us seeing each other again, she'd let me know. Actually, when she first told me she wanted to end it sooner rather than wait until it was almost time for her to go, she wanted us to go NC, but later changed her mind........

 

It seems like this guide was written for those who break up due to negative actions by the other person, but my case is a little different.

 

I'm trying to follow NC, but it's very hard at times. I just feel like it's a waste to act like she's gone when she isn't. But I certainly don't want to come accross as the begging/needy type, which would just turn her off to it even more.

Edited January 23, 2013 by PurpleMonkeyDishwash

[na49]

Tara, do you think there is any specific time frame that this may or may not happen? Or is it a case-by-case situation? I mean would it be safe to assume that after say 6 months if you havent heard anything its most likely 100% over for good?

 

I think if you don't hear from them it's most likely 100% over for good.

[Lone]

do you mean in general. or in 6 months? what if they do keep in touch?

[na49]

Well if they are in touch, what are they saying/doing? Are they giving you any reason to believe they want you back? Or are they giving you every reason to believe that they don't want to be with you anymore, but might want to be friends

 

Where are you getting 6 months from? Just wondering? Everyone is different, but if they choose to leave us, then it's their choice to come back. If we leave them, it's their choice to come back to us or not.

[CaliGuy]

Tara, do you think there is any specific time frame that this may or may not happen? Or is it a case-by-case situation? I mean would it be safe to assume that after say 6 months if you havent heard anything its most likely 100% over for good?

 

No time frame....however you need to live your life as if they will never come back...because 99.999% of the time, they don't.

[Lone]

No time frame....however you need to live your life as if they will never come back...because 99.999% of the time, they don't.

Ouch. Wow that sucks. Do u think if there is ever a chance to get them back that moving on and doing things for yourself is vital?

That's my issue. I know I need to get proactive an do things for me but there is always that hope/motivation that if I do it it will put me in the best possible position for reconciliation. That's all I want. To put myself in the best position for reconciliation. To make them second guess/regret their decision.

 

We run in similar circles and I have been going out of my way to avoid her but we will be seeing each other around eventually...

[TaraMaiden]

You're quite right.

Second chances are not rare.

 

Successful 2nd chances are.

 

And this forum is actually a brilliant indicator, because it contains a good cross-section of people who date, and people who come back in and relate their experiences.

It's full of the testimonials of people who have actually put the advice, Counsel and help to the test.

And found that what this advice, counsel and help actually all state, is quite true, accurate and repeatedly spot-on.

 

And if you'll forgive me for saying so, Raymond2010, you are hardly a reliable barometer on a successful or productive love life....

Hence the continued and repeated presence of a huge cross-section of people; all of whom are at different stages of their relationships, all of whom have their own stories to tell, but all of whom have one thing in common:

The desire to love, be loved, and get it right.

[nvrdoingitagain]

Hi guys!

Given the passage of time, new experience and better methods of helping those whose hearts are broken, here is the All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED!

It's long - but it will shorten the 'road' needed, for you to come out of this, a better person.

 

Q. What is no contact?

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

 

Q. What is no contact for?

A.No contact, in brief, is meant as the best and quickest means for you to heal and move on.

 

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life - you are in for a rude awakening.

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex.

That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's, absolutely no checking FB or Twitter - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway...

 

Q. My ex keeps texting me, and nothing seems to put them off. What do I do about this?

A. First of all, delete their number and block it.

Then the next time they text you, reply IMMEDIATELY - with this message:

 

"Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number."

 

Do this every single time they try to text you.

(Blocking/deleting numbers prevents calls, but doesn't always prevent texts.)

Pretty soon, they should give up.

 

Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First of all, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counselling, by all means go.

 

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately - you already have. Clinging on to them or clinging to the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. For the most part, Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string.

Furthermore, keeping you as a 'friend' is designed to make them feel better about things - not you. Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....?

Wrong.

See, it’s like this....

When the dumper extends the hand of friendship, well, that seems very kind and generous, but it's actually very thoughtless and selfish.

Your heart's just been ripped out and turned inside out by them leaving you - it's like a phase of mourning - so how s/he can tug at your heartstrings and expect you - as someone who still has deep-seated feelings for them - to just flip to 'be my friend!" Well, really - it's completely irrational and unreasonable.

But it makes the dumper feel really charitable.

"I don't want to go out with you - you DON'T rock my world, and you're not 'the one' but at least if I suggest staying friends, it doesn't make me out to be a callous person, and if you WILL be my friend, then I can't be that bad - and you can't be that hurt, can you?"

It eases their guilt.

Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony.

The dumper carries on in their merry way, texting you, friendly, verbal 'arm-punching' in a "we're such great buddies!" kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!"

The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... I'm happy for them, but, so what? It's cool!"

 

Benign Indifference.

That's what you're aiming for.

 

All this “Let’s just be friends” thing will do, is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

 

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go and work out at the gym. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Because, guess what? They are definitely not sitting around with their new love, wondering why you aren't calling them.

Exercise releases endorphins, and after a while, the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll look. And the better you look - the better you'll feel.

 

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex?

A. Never, EVER be the first to contact your ex!

If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an ******* is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you?

If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

 

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

 

Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing *this* or why have they said *that*?

The question is always, but ALWAYS:

"What do I do now?"

And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Ignore it, and stay in NC.

 

Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again?

if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain.

 

Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. As far as they're concerned, it really looks as if you're doing great without them - even if you aren't.

 

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realise that, the sooner you implement NC and get on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole 'No Contact' deal is all about. Healing, and Moving On.

 

Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex?

A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex.

Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons.

One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next....

Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway.

Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds.

Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again.

 

Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

So you have to face facts, get real and accept matters as they are.

 

Realise that none of us is immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us for us to carry on to the next relationship. You know what they say: "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". I actually hate that phrase, but it seems to be true..... That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

 

There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, the quicker you heal yourself up, improve where you can and embed the lessons of your past - then the better off you'll be for someone else. Someone who deserves you. And someone for whom you will be a dream come true.

 

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are.

 

You simply cannot lose on an investment in yourself.

 

Once you've done the work, it's there. Forever

And you can share it with whomever you choose.

Be the best 'you' you can be.

 

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will in all likelihood, happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go completely. And become whole, to love again.

This has been the BEST information I have ever received in my life!!! Thank you so much!!! You literally...just saved my life....

[TaraMaiden]

Aw, shucks.....

 

 

It's okay.......

 

It's what I do.....

[CaliGuy]

Aw, shucks.....

 

 

It's okay.......

 

It's what I do.....

 

Glad you are still out there pimping it, Tara! Amazed that more haven't read my guide and put it heart. I'm still answering PMs from people that are doing the same things some of us used to do. The difference is we started listening to the wise folks here and doing something with our lives instead of wasting it chasing that which does not want to be caught.

 

Cheers!

[cavalier99]

Glad you are still out there pimping it, Tara! Amazed that more haven't read my guide and put it heart. I'm still answering PMs from people that are doing the same things some of us used to do. The difference is we started listening to the wise folks here and doing something with our lives instead of wasting it chasing that which does not want to be caught.

 

Cheers!

 

Dude. Are you kidding. Your guide is probably the most read document ever on LS and has probably saved thousands of months of extra heartbreak. Come on bro. Take some credit: lol Cav

[TaraMaiden]

Oh I'm such a good Pimp!!

 

I'm always careful to tell people it's not my original work - but I guess we're working hand in hand, Bud!

 

((Hugs)) keep well!!

[Cali408]

Knowledge and required reading for those in a breakup

[CaliGuy]

Dude. Are you kidding. Your guide is probably the most read document ever on LS and has probably saved thousands of months of extra heartbreak. Come on bro. Take some credit: lol Cav

 

Thanks but if LS thought so they'd pin it. So far they haven't. Lol

 

Appreciate the kind words.

[cavalier99]

Thanks but if LS thought so they'd pin it. So far they haven't. Lol

 

Appreciate the kind words.

 

Ha..no prob its true. I'm heading out...Latina night! Ex girlfirend who?

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks but if LS thought so they'd pin it. So far they haven't. Lol

 

Appreciate the kind words.

 

I think the reason they haven't pinned it, is precisely because it's a moveable feast.

The Caliguy Guide is not precisely identical today, to the original one formulated by Caliguy .... gosh, way back when....? (wow....)

 

I originally took the liberty of adding a couple of bits a couple of years ago, then updated it again recently.

The central core and essence of the Guide is true to the original, but other factors (such as the massive increase in texting trends, for example) have contributed to new points included.

But if modifications prove necessary, then pinning it is going to be pointless....

 

People just need to add it as a signature, if only to lessen the likelihood of me sounding like an effin' parrot....

 

"please read the Caliguy No Contact Guide (updated 2013) link in my signature....."

 

 

I type that a lot.

 

No, I mean - A. LOT.

 

[TaraMaiden]

He got it all wrong... CptSaveAho, that is.

 

But this is your chance to get it right.

[CaliGuy]

What I got was freedom from a toxic relationship. That is a blessing if ever there was.

[Bando89]

This thread is gold. NC is really a powerful tool when used wisely: I understood the difference after a month of using it (I was merely expecting her to come back: she didn't and is dating someone else.)

 

I feel better now, almost two months after the breakup. I had to contact her for a money/car fines issue but I'm keeping my conversation at a very administrative level. 'yes/no/give x to y' maybe I'm not being very polite, but at this point of my life, after all the pain she put me through, I just want to feel better. I don't care about being polite to her... I stopped chasing her and that's important to me. If she sees me sad/happy/upset/making out with other girls I don't really care... I'm enforcing NC and that's the most important thing ^^

[cdt76]

He wanted a booty call.

[msalek89]

He wanted a booty call.

 

You are probably right since we did it last week that I went to see him. It's so stupid because I want to be with him, but "U up?" is not enough.

[TaraMaiden]

Here's what people don't get:

 

No Contact is heavily recommended for those who have been dumped in order for them to begin the healing process, and in order for them to learn to adjust to being on their own again.

Break-ups hurt.

They are painful and can rip a heart to shreds.

 

people recover at different rates, but one thing's for sure:

Breaking No Contact is a huge, retrograde step and will set you back - at times BEYOND square one.

 

But this is the thing: No Contact is used so that it can work both ways:

 

You respect yourself, and you respect their space.

They respect themselves, and they respect your space.

 

No contact ensures dignity, consideration and the right to be allowed to take each day one step at a time, without the fear and worry that the other will break that.

 

No contact means you do not hound them, bother them, pester and harass them.

 

if you're the DumpEE, it means you do not come over as clingy, needy, pathetic, spineless and intrusive.

 

If you're the DumpER, it means you do not come across as inconsiderate, thoughtless, egotistic, uncaring or self-centred.

 

No Contact is a wrench that works at both ends.

It turns a harsh experience into something more tolerable.

it's hard to deal with, but if both sides do not adhere to the principles, then the healing process - on both sides - is sabotaged.

And it's sabotaged by the person who cracks first.

 

Don't be that person.

[Truthseeker1985]

Thank you for showing me this rule Tara. I just have to be strong and follow it through and know that I'm better than this, life has its moments to toughen up emotionally and just focus on not caving in.

[TheBladeRunner]

I would really like to just say thanks to the original creator of NC (CaliGuy), and TaraMaiden for this wonderful update! I have an LC situation as my ex and I have a child together, but what I have learned from this post as well as other stuff from this forum has REALLY helped me. Thanks for all the great advice, since implementing what I call extreme LC, I have healed in leaps and bounds.