The Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED

[portableversion]

you know about 1-2 weeks ago she told me straight up she feels real guilty about the divorce, i thought good you should feel guilty. I followed u everywhere for 17 yrs so u could develope ur career, my resume is complete garbage, did the stay at home thing for 4-5 yrs. no employer gives a care about that, its got no skills that command a wage worth salt. My standard of living has been completely demolished, really no longer a dad anymore. for real everyother weekend and a phone call every day is just a shadow of what once was with he boys.

 

oh well reading about st.francis and claire helps, its my reading assignment for the secular order of franciscans. i joined though the initiation is 2 yrs. it recommends having a simple lifestyle. its gonna help me even furthur. i dont need possessions, i dont need women who will suck me dry to leave a shriveled husk, i dont need much money. just my visitation, my books, and my prayers, and some opportunities to help those worse off than myself..welcome to my new life

[CaliGuy]

Wow. Never thought id see a post form CaliGuy here on the BU forum. Your guide was a life saver. I didn't know what NC was and paid the price. Now I'm 3 plus months NC and holding strong. Thanks!

 

PS Yeah I agree VA (Leesburg) is boring. I'm here in Fairfax and it is just as cookie cutter if not more so.

 

You're welcome!

 

Yes, it's boring to me here because all my friends are back in SOCAL.

[CaliGuy]

OMG!!!!! CALIGUY!!!

 

....Will you sign my chest??

 

.. i joke, i joke.

 

Damn! Lol

 

Yeah, I love it when Caliguy pops in... feel it's all worthwhile....

 

I've been bumping around on LS trying to help where I can . Occasionally we find a bad apple but just brush it off

[mutant]

Ok consider this scenario: what happens if you've been hurt so much, and have accepted you're never going to see your ex again. But want to send them a devastating message about how much you've been hurt, so that it hurts them? I mean a proper burning-bridges, f-you message, to hurt them like they've hurt you?

 

I'm considering breaking NC to do this, as I know my ex is sensitive to such issues and it will really hit home what a bitch she's been.

 

Talk me out of it, but I can only see it being good as I am dying inside because of her. I want her to feel some hurt too.

 

Don't break NC just to email this bitch a F-you message. NC is a powerful tool that helps us move forward even when we feel like we are regressing or stagnating. I can assure you that if you send that email you will reset your NC progress to the very beginning. You will be constantly checking your email and phone to see if she has replied. What if she decides to be more of a bitch and sends you a classic F-you-too message? That would probably leave you seething with anger. Even she says she is really sorry for the pain she caused you (very unlikely) it wont help you move on. The most likely outcome is that she will see you as immature and childish which will add to her reasons for dumping you.

 

Give it up man, it's OVER, you will only appear as a "bitter ex" who is comfortable bitching around instead of moving on. She'll probably join her friends in making fun of you if you send that email. My advice; stick to NC and forge ahead.

[TaraMaiden]

you know about 1-2 weeks ago she told me straight up she feels real guilty about the divorce, i thought good you should feel guilty. I followed u everywhere for 17 yrs so u could develope ur career, my resume is complete garbage, did the stay at home thing for 4-5 yrs. no employer gives a care about that, its got no skills that command a wage worth salt. My standard of living has been completely demolished, really no longer a dad anymore. for real everyother weekend and a phone call every day is just a shadow of what once was with he boys.

 

oh well reading about st.francis and claire helps, its my reading assignment for the secular order of franciscans. i joined though the initiation is 2 yrs. it recommends having a simple lifestyle. its gonna help me even furthur. i dont need possessions, i dont need women who will suck me dry to leave a shriveled husk, i dont need much money. just my visitation, my books, and my prayers, and some opportunities to help those worse off than myself..welcome to my new life

 

You have to absolutely and genuinely shed and discard these feelings of anger, resentment and animosity, otherwise, no amount of time spent in your devotion will mean anything.

You have to Know, understand and believe the infinite power of forgiveness and Compassion, underpinned by Unconditional Love for all, without exception, or else, this is just a prop, a hidey-hole, an escape from what hurts you.

But no matter where you go, you'll never avoid it.

 

If you cannot find genuine joy, serenity and equanimity where you are RIGHT NOW - then you will never find them anywhere else, either.

[LostOne1]

Don't break NC just to email this bitch a F-you message. NC is a powerful tool that helps us move forward even when we feel like we are regressing or stagnating. I can assure you that if you send that email you will reset your NC progress to the very beginning. You will be constantly checking your email and phone to see if she has replied. What if she decides to be more of a bitch and sends you a classic F-you-too message? That would probably leave you seething with anger. Even she says she is really sorry for the pain she caused you (very unlikely) it wont help you move on. The most likely outcome is that she will see you as immature and childish which will add to her reasons for dumping you.

 

Give it up man, it's OVER, you will only appear as a "bitter ex" who is comfortable bitching around instead of moving on. She'll probably join her friends in making fun of you if you send that email. My advice; stick to NC and forge ahead.

I agree.. I wanted to get revenge too but I stopped and let it go.

 

The best revenge I see people posting about is MOVING on and showing that you are happy and trying to be happy with life without them.

 

I saw my ex, but I didn't do much or say much I just let it go. I know she wants me to beg and all, but I won't stoop that low anymore.

[Confused48]

You kind of skimped over how to go NC when you have kids. Anyone with kids have some advice on that?

[TaraMaiden]

It's the same as working with them.

Known as LC - Limited Contact.

Limit your contact to being simply about the children.

Extraneous, additional chit-chat, about anything else, should be dealt with in monosyllables.

 

"So... How have you been doing?"

 

"Fine."

 

"How's work going?"

 

"Good."

 

"Are you seeing anyone else yet?"

 

"Yes/No".

 

(As appropriate. Why lie?)

 

"Oh... really? Who?"

 

"A lady/man." (Again - as appropriate. maybe not best to say both....!)

 

 

"You're not telling me much, are you?"

 

"I'm here for the kids, not you." Smile.

 

Keep it as uncommunicative as possible, without being rude.

They get the message.

[hudson701]

Well I've just let it go...I was very angry but can see now that being abusive towards her certainly isn't going to change her mind or moral code. She's done what she's done and no doubt karma will come back to bite her in the arse a few years down the line when she's had more relationships. Perhaps she'll look back then and realise I wasn't so bad after all, and that our breakup was easily salvageable as we didn't do any serious wrong to each other i.e cheating, abuse etc.

 

I love her deeply and will have to get my head around this 'ultimate forgiveness' idea, as I would like to speak to her again, whenever that may be.

 

I left the door open, she's knows exactly how I feel and where I am if she wants to get in touch. At least if I do hear from her I will know she hasn't been forced into contacting me but rather shes done it because she wanted to.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes... but more importantly will be her reasons for doing so.....

 

And invariably, sadly, it will be for self-validation and the reassurance that she can still twink your attention....for her own ego's sake....

[hudson701]

What makes you so sure she'll get back in touch though? Does that usually happen? I don't think she's that sort of type, I mean she is very literal. I used to be really careful what I use to say to her (good and bad) as she would take everything literally rather than thinking it through. For example, if I said don't contact me, she would never contact me ever again even if she was madly in love and her life depended on it. You couldn't say one thing and mean another as she would never read between the lines.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not saying she will, by any means. But if she does, it will be to appease her mind, not yours.

[Paxetlux]

Well I've just let it go...I was very angry but can see now that being abusive towards her certainly isn't going to change her mind or moral code. d to.

 

 

****, I don't know.. but I let my ex HAVE it. I let her know how disgusting and classless she was for doing so, she bantered with me back and forth trying to justify her actions, but I pried apart her insecurities and got her to come around and admitting she was wrong and "confused" then tried to keep texting me, each one riddled with more guilt, I simply told at that point to never text me again and enjoy your new man, learn the definition of love before you say it and don't you dare drag your ass back to me crying, ciao"

 

and.. I feel pretty great with that, I just hate keeping my feelings suppressed, if you wrong me I'll let you know.

 

**** them. Get strong, unleash your inner spartan, succumb to the exploding geysers of testosterone in your blood, love is a war and our scars are our rank, wear them proudly brother, we survived another.

[TaraMaiden]

**** them. Get strong, unleash your inner spartan, succumb to the exploding geysers of testosterone in your blood, love is a war and our scars are our rank, wear them proudly brother, we survived another.

 

Good grief.... that's a bit strong.... and frankly, sounds hostile.....

Keep on thinking like that and you'll develop feelings of resentment towards women to such an extent, that you'll always see them as the enemy....

 

And that isn't conducive to a gentle love-life.

 

You need to knock the edges off that anger a bit, 'PeaceandLight'....

[Paxetlux]

haha, I have no resentment only clarity, for now this is the motivation I need to throw myself ahead of this mess.

 

I hope she finds in life what she needs, everyone deserves to be happy.

 

In time, when I settle, I will welcome with open arms a new woman, but i will be 1000 times more weary, that's for sure.

[TaraMaiden]

weary.... or wary?

 

[Paxetlux]

weary.... or wary?

 

 

 

Oh whoops,

 

 

Whorey*

[TaraMaiden]

:laugh:

[Jiggy1975]

Maybe I'm just very green to all things love, dumper/dumpee, I was the dumper and while I loved him so very very much I had to walk away, his flirting with other women was bringing me to my knee's, it wasn't what I wanted to do, but I would never ever ask anyone to change, it would only come back to haunt the relationship later on, I wanted to keep my ex in my life as a friend, we had shared our deepest secrets with each other and there was a real connection, I really don't see why a couple can't stay friends, if it didn't work out as a relationship, why couldn't it work out as a friendship, I would one day love to see my ex happy in a relationship, it's what he craves to be loved for what he is, does this make me a bad person, because I dumped him, coz I couldn't cope with his flirting, I'm really confused now, does he think the email I sent him was breadcrumbs for my guilt, I really don't feel it was, I genuinely wanted to keep him in my life as a friend, we live two hours away, it wasn't like we were going to be meeting up on a regular basis or seeing each other all the time, more confused than when I started my own thread, I feel really guilty now, maybe I should have left him alone and not contacted him

[cavalier99]

I think dumpers and dumpees are just in different places. A dumper assumes that the dumpee can feel the indifference that you have after a few months. We cant. I'm not saying you are indifferent to him as a person and don't care. BUT your romantic feelings are gone or don't bother you much. You asked for him to be out of your life (probably fully justified) and he is, so respect that he has the right not to want to be friendly with you. To him you weren't a friend but were in a loving relationship and that is over at your request.

 

As a dumpee many of us are in searing pain early on so ANY contact is a BIG setback.

 

I personally think one day i could be friendly with my EX in a year or so when all romantic feeling are burned out of me. But until then F*ck her. I don't want to hear form her and know how she is doing. Understand? So yes it was probably a painful breadcrumb that messed him up for a bit. Let him come to you when he is finally over you. If he doesn't come back it is no huge loss. You both move on with your lives.

 

It is really hard to get over being dumped so the strength we gain unfortunately rarely allows us to come back and be friendly after winning this huge war of recovering. The casualty of this battle is the desired friendship you want.

 

The fact that i eventually see a cordial friendship were we catch up occasionally makes me different from many of the dumpees here. And even for me i might not want to open that door.

Edited January 20, 2013 by cavalier99

[Jiggy1975]

I think dumpers and dumpees are just in different places. A dumper assumes that the dumpee can feel the indifference that you have after a few months. We cant. I'm not saying you are indifferent to him as a person and don't care. BUT your romantic feelings are gone or don't bother you much. You asked for him to be out of your life (probably fully justified) and he is, so respect that he has the right not to want to be friendly with you. To him you weren't a friend but were in a loving relationship and that is over at your request.

 

As a dumpee many of us are in searing pain early on so ANY contact is a BIG setback.

 

I personally think one day i could be friendly with my EX in a year or so when all romantic feeling are burned out of me. But until then F*ck her. I don't want to hear form her and know how she is doing. Understand? So yes it was probably a painful breadcrumb that messed him up for a bit. Let him come to you when he is finally over you. If he doesn't come back it is no huge loss. You both move on with your lives.

 

It is really hard to get over being dumped so the strength we gain unfortunately rarely allows us to come back and be friendly after winning this huge war of recovering. The casualty of this battle is the desired friendship you want.

 

The fact that i eventually see a cordial friendship were we catch up occasionally makes me different from many of the dumpees here. And even for me i might not want to open that door.

 

 

Well I guess this is where my confusion is, I broke up with him when I thought he was with one of these girls he flirted with, so while I was the dumper, at the time it also felt like I was the dumpee, so I do still have very romantic idea's towards him, I still love him very much and I guess I'm just desparate to keep him in my life because I still love him, so I guess my question is answered, no contact is the best policy, even though today I'm dying to contact him and make things right but I know I will hit a wall and the pain will start all over again, tnx for all your help

[cavalier99]

Well I guess this is where my confusion is, I broke up with him when I thought he was with one of these girls he flirted with, so while I was the dumper, at the time it also felt like I was the dumpee, so I do still have very romantic idea's towards him, I still love him very much and I guess I'm just desparate to keep him in my life because I still love him, so I guess my question is answered, no contact is the best policy, even though today I'm dying to contact him and make things right but I know I will hit a wall and the pain will start all over again, tnx for all your help

 

Well i guess it doesn't matter in this case if you are technically the dumper or dumpee. It is how you feel that is important. If you are heartbroken and having problems moving on and he isn't responding to you.. then you simply need to go hard core NC. Burn this guy out of your existence and don't ever respond to him..and HIS breadcrumbs. Follow the No Contact guide to the letter and you WILL recover with time.

[Jiggy1975]

Well i guess it doesn't matter in this case if you are technically the dumper or dumpee. It is how you feel that is important. If you are heartbroken and having problems moving on and he isn't responding to you.. then you simply need to go hard core NC. Burn this guy out of your existence and don't ever respond to him..and HIS breadcrumbs. Follow the No Contact guide to the letter and you WILL recover with time.

 

Thanks for your thoughts cavalier99, I don't think I can just BURN this guy out of my life, he's my every waking thought at the moment, I know that will change with time, but it seems at the moment, ever day is only getting harder and not easier :( He'll never send me his breadcrumbs, I know I WILL recover one day but it's just all too much at the moment, finding it very hard to function, tnx for your thoughts

[mutant]

I dumped him, coz I couldn't cope with his flirting, I'm really confused now, does he think the email I sent him was breadcrumbs for my guilt, I really don't feel it was, I genuinely wanted to keep him in my life as a friend, we live two hours away,

 

Reminds me of an Ex i dumped because I couldn't cope with her behavior yet she didn't give a damn about how I felt. later on I felt like I was the dumpee particularly because she wasn't interested in working out any of our problems. Not to mention she went on to date other men immediately after. Technically you are the dumpee because your ex did not challenge your decision to walk away. He expected that you would walk away at some point and he was comfortable with it. based on this premise, I don't think that email qualifies as breadcrumbs. Most importantly, you should go NC and don't try to establish any sort of friendship with him until you are truly healed

[Jiggy1975]

Reminds me of an Ex i dumped because I couldn't cope with her behavior yet she didn't give a damn about how I felt. later on I felt like I was the dumpee particularly because she wasn't interested in working out any of our problems. Not to mention she went on to date other men immediately after. Technically you are the dumpee because your ex did not challenge your decision to walk away. He expected that you would walk away at some point and he was comfortable with it. based on this premise, I don't think that email qualifies as breadcrumbs. Most importantly, you should go NC and don't try to establish any sort of friendship with him until you are truly healed

 

Tnx for your insight "mutant" I'm definitely starting to learn a lot about how I'm feeling, yes I do feel like the dumpee coz he never questioned or challenged my decision to walk away, I couldn't go on to date other people so soon after a breakup, wouldn't be fair on me, my ex or anyone new I would meet, I can't even look at another guy at the moment, have joined dating websites, etc. etc. but end up deleting them in a ball of tears, I'm still very much in love with this guy, just can't shake him off at all, it's been three months and it feels like the very first day, actually worse than the very first day, but tnx again for the input, I'm a little clearer in my thoughts and understanding why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling tnx :)