Why women prefer not to reject men clearly

[unluckyinlove4]

I think there is a good mix of options for rejecting someone just so they know you aren't interested verses just busy. You can save people a lot of time and confusion by being up front depending on the situation.

 

With first contact (OLD, FB, Cold Approach) I think a simple No Thank You while voicing your appreciation, or in the case of OLD I think it's fine to just not respond to the first email. As a woman I would rather be ignored on OLD than get a rejection response and think it is going to be positive when I see it.

 

After a few dates, a quick call, text, or end of date "You're a great guy/gal but we want different things, good luck with your search" is plenty.

 

Quasi-relationship to relationship, I think a more in depth conversation via phone or in person is appropriate.

 

Of course there are some grey areas, sometimes you just lose touch with people and if it feels like the interest is mutually unchaseworthy, then the fade is fine.

 

Just my thoughts. I guess I go based on what I want in each situation and do my best not to ever leave someone wondering if I am ever going to call or see them again.

 

I will say I am relatively new to dating again after a longish marriage so I wonder how much of my response is based on that. My going in assumption is I am going to see you again unless I say that I'm not. Others may have a going in assumption that they are never going to see someone again unless they say they are. The difference is subtle but I think it could easily change whether you think poofing is OK.

 

I tend to agree. With OLD, I tend to think other people are also getting a large response (maybe they aren't, I'm not sure?!) so they don't have time to go and reject each person with an email. I have had guys get angry that I don't respond to messages on OLD websites, but in all reality, I don't have the time it takes to respond to each person. I barely have enough time to respond to those I am interested in!

[Imported]

I still don't follow.

 

You said you changed such that you now only are single or have a GF. Isn't that the case for everyone who's not married? That they're either single, or have a GF?

 

You could be single and having sex, with several girls. Not to put words in for him, but I believe he is saying he stays single or dates a girl to figure out if she is girlfriend material, becomes exclusive and then has sex.

 

 

 

For me, I just think letting someone know to move on is the least I could do. These women I went out with are not nobody and I think they deserve at least that much respect to know to move on. I guess if I did OLD where people are seemingly going out with people they don't even respect then I could understand maybe treating the other person like they have no worth, but probably not. The potential fallout is worth me not treating someone I cared enough about to try dating in such a callous way.

[Necris]

I don't expect a call back, a text, or an email from someone who isn't interested in me. As a matter of fact, that's one easy way to determine whether someone isn't interested. Why would I be expected to do anything if I'm not feeling it? How is it common courtesy to offer up my disinterest?

 

Fading to me is a cowardly, jerk move, if you invested time and money into a date wouldn't you at least want to be told if its going anywhere or not? Seems like common courtesy to me, instead of the person just getting a free meal and entertainment saying bye and never seen again. Just a simple text is all that's needed. Besides it will save alot of confusion for you and him, if a guy is highly interested in a girl and doesn't have many options he may become a problem to you later as he may feel that you are still interested in him just tremendously busy or something, so he won't let go and keep thinking.

 

I've been rejected many times and I've never got angry, but then again I'm a easy going unemotional guy, plus I'm used to it, so its nothing shocking. Getting rejected can be positive as well, while it does nothing for my confidence, it is good to know for certain that she is definitely not interested, that way I can "erase" her from my mind quicker.

 

If a guy is going to get angry for you rejecting him it doesn't matter how you reject him, whether you fade away or tell him straight up, he's already going to be angry as he's not angry at how you rejected him (unless you insult him as well), but that you rejected him. So its going to happen anyway.

[unluckyinlove4]

Fading to me is a cowardly, jerk move, if you invested time and money into a date wouldn't you at least want to be told if its going anywhere or not? Seems like common courtesy to me, instead of the person just getting a free meal and entertainment saying bye and never seen again. Just a simple text is all that's needed. Besides it will save alot of confusion for you and him, if a guy is highly interested in a girl and doesn't have many options he may become a problem to you later as he may feel that you are still interested in him just tremendously busy or something, so he won't let go and keep thinking.

 

I've been rejected many times and I've never got angry, but then again I'm a easy going unemotional guy, plus I'm used to it, so its nothing shocking. Getting rejected can be positive as well, while it does nothing for my confidence, it is good to know for certain that she is definitely not interested, that way I can "erase" her from my mind quicker.

 

If a guy is going to get angry for you rejecting him it doesn't matter how you reject him, whether you fade away or tell him straight up, he's already going to be angry as he's not angry at how you rejected him (unless you insult him as well), but that you rejected him. So its going to happen anyway.

 

I guess, but I've gone out on plenty of dates with guys who just disappeared afterwards after I thought it went well. Most people I know have had this experience....and none of my sane friends have ever tracked the person down and demanded an explanation.

[truth_seeker]

I agree with this.

also to go one step further, when they reject me, i'm cool about it because they usually realize how much of a horrible mistake they made because the other guy they thought was so great wasn't.

 

If i'm a jerk to them, it eliminates any chance of making them a FWB down the road.

 

This is good advice.

[monicaelise]

Fading to me is a cowardly, jerk move, if you invested time and money into a date wouldn't you at least want to be told if its going anywhere or not? Seems like common courtesy to me, instead of the person just getting a free meal and entertainment saying bye and never seen again. Just a simple text is all that's needed. Besides it will save alot of confusion for you and him, if a guy is highly interested in a girl and doesn't have many options he may become a problem to you later as he may feel that you are still interested in him just tremendously busy or something, so he won't let go and keep thinking.

 

I've been rejected many times and I've never got angry, but then again I'm a easy going unemotional guy, plus I'm used to it, so its nothing shocking. Getting rejected can be positive as well, while it does nothing for my confidence, it is good to know for certain that she is definitely not interested, that way I can "erase" her from my mind quicker.

 

If a guy is going to get angry for you rejecting him it doesn't matter how you reject him, whether you fade away or tell him straight up, he's already going to be angry as he's not angry at how you rejected him (unless you insult him as well), but that you rejected him. So its going to happen anyway.

 

Well you're certainly entitled to your opinion. Sadly, many guys are not easy going or unemotional, and I do know that the rejected person may very well get angry. Again, if I'm not into the person, I can't see any sane reason for listening to or indulging that anger. I certainly wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else I wasn't emotionally invested in. I don't believe I owe it to anyone to be an emotional (or physical for that matter) punching bag. If I've made a commitment, I'll hear the other person out and let them vent or do whatever they need to do, but if it's some random individual I've been out with a couple times, forget it. I'm quite content to be a "cowardly jerk" in those situations.

[unluckyinlove4]

Well you're certainly entitled to your opinion. Sadly, many guys are not easy going or unemotional, and I do know that the rejected person may very well get angry. Again, if I'm not into the person, I can't see any sane reason for listening to or indulging that anger. I certainly wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else I wasn't emotionally invested in. I don't believe I owe it to anyone to be an emotional (or physical for that matter) punching bag. If I've made a commitment, I'll hear the other person out and let them vent or do whatever they need to do, but if it's some random individual I've been out with a couple times, forget it. I'm quite content to be a "cowardly jerk" in those situations.

 

Agreed. If I've had a rapport with a guy (i.e. more than one date or one date with a lot of chatting) I do see it as important to tell him I'm not interested. If it's been one date or just a few emails/texts, there's no real reason to do so. On eHarmony, we have a "close match" option, and I love that! Either party can just end things, no questions asked and the other one can't re-open it.

[grkBoy]

Eternal Sunshine's story is a familiar one I've seen from many female friends.

 

Had many who said the guy called her a "c--t" simply because she wasn't into him.

 

It's why I don't blame women in OLD when they simply "read-delete" or "delete" emails from guys and not respond with a rejection.

 

Too many children out there.

[Imajerk17]

Well you're certainly entitled to your opinion. Sadly, many guys are not easy going or unemotional, and I do know that the rejected person may very well get angry. Again, if I'm not into the person, I can't see any sane reason for listening to or indulging that anger. I certainly wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else I wasn't emotionally invested in. I don't believe I owe it to anyone to be an emotional (or physical for that matter) punching bag. If I've made a commitment, I'll hear the other person out and let them vent or do whatever they need to do, but if it's some random individual I've been out with a couple times, forget it. I'm quite content to be a "cowardly jerk" in those situations.

 

Now I don't wish harm on anyone here, but in a schaudenfreude-y sort of way I kind of would find it satisfying if a person you disappeared on called you up and reamed you for rudely "poofing" on him.

 

My point is that you aren't really protecting yourself by vanishing as you might think you are. I'm just not seeing that an "I'm not interested, I'm sorry" text is tantamount to being someone's emotional or physical punching bag. You can just send the text and then be done with the person. No need to indulge subsequent attempts at communication.

 

Your disappearing without saying anything is rude, simple as that.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Imajerk17

[monicaelise]

Now I don't wish harm on anyone here, but in a schaudenfreude-y sort of way I kind of would find it satisfying if a person you disappeared on called you up and reamed you for rudely "poofing".

 

My point is that you aren't really protecting yourself by vanishing as you might think you are. I'm just not seeing that an "I'm not interested, I'm sorry" text is tantamount to being someone's emotional or physical punching bag. You can just send the text and then be done with the person. No need to indulge subsequent attempts at communication.

 

Your disappearing without saying anything is rude, simple as that.

 

LOL! Why would you find it satisfying if a person did that to me? I think that actually says a lot more about your character than mine. You handle your business your way, I handle mine my way. As I've said previously, I will give someone I've invested in an explanation for a rejection, but I find it a lot "ruder" to go out of my way to tell someone "I don't like you" than to just demonstrate my disinterest by walking away quietly.

 

As far as the punching bag aspect goes, I don't think you understand at all what I'm referring to. It comes AFTER doing what you've suggested. Telling someone "no, thanks" isn't rude, but as the OP pointed out, the reaction to that is often extremely hostile. As I said, I am speaking from experience here. I've had nearly three decades of watching the way males respond to clear as well as not-so-clear rejection. The range of reactions has led me to conclude that walking away is a far better approach at least 75% of the time. I don't want to hear the whining, crying, cursing, bargaining, or even queries on "how to better myself" anymore. I also don't want to risk the physical abuse (one sick **** actually slammed my foot in a car door and sent me to the ER in my 20s... and he wasn't the worst I've had to deal with!...so yeah, I am protecting myself far more than you realize). I DO NOT OWE THAT TO A STRANGER. End of story.

 

Also, what makes you think I haven't been "poofed"? I'm okay with that. Totally okay with it. As a matter of fact, I prefer a "poof" to an official "no, thanks". I don't expect to be treated any differently than I treat others. You're totally failing to recognize that. You honestly have no clue what you're talking about here.

Edited January 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lonely Ronin]

I have a twist of you all to ponder.

 

I have been dumped my fair share of times, and when it has happened in person, it always has weird after effects. She explains, and I'm paraphrasing but essentially I say, I'm sorry you feel that way have a good life. Most of these women always seem to never completely leave my life. I'll get a text, or FB message, or a call wanting to know how I'm doing or what I'm up to.

 

What's up with that?

[Imajerk17]

LOL! Why would you find it satisfying if a person did that to me? I think that actually says a lot more about your character than mine. You handle your business your way, I handle mine my way. As I've said previously, I will give someone I've invested in an explanation for a rejection, but I find it a lot "ruder" to go out of my way to tell someone "I don't like you" than to just demonstrate my disinterest by walking away quietly.

 

As far as the punching bag aspect goes, I don't think you understand at all what I'm referring to. It comes AFTER doing what you've suggested. Telling someone "no, thanks" isn't rude, but as the OP pointed out, the reaction to that is often extremely hostile. As I said, I am speaking from experience here. I've had nearly three decades of watching the way males respond to clear as well as not-so-clear rejection. The range of reactions has led me to conclude that walking away is a far better approach at least 75% of the time. I don't want to hear the whining, crying, cursing, bargaining, or even queries on "how to better myself" anymore. I also don't want to risk the physical abuse (one sick **** actually slammed my foot in a car door and sent me to the ER in my 20s... and he wasn't the worst I've had to deal with!...so yeah, I am protecting myself far more than you realize). I DO NOT OWE THAT TO A STRANGER. End of story.

 

Also, what makes you think I haven't been "poofed"? I'm okay with that. Totally okay with it. As a matter of fact, I prefer a "poof" to an official "no, thanks". I don't expect to be treated any differently than I treat others. You're totally failing to recognize that. You honestly have no clue what you're talking about here.

 

1. Well, I think that your getting a voicemail from a guy expressing his anger--in a non-threatening way--is par for the course for your treating him like a non-person and ignoring him after he took you out a couple of times. What you might be failing to understand is that if a guy has already taken you out a couple of times he has already "invested" in you and would appreciate the courtesy of an answer. Even if you wouldn't prefer that.

 

2. Your experience of men turning violent or hostile to a respectful decline isn't typical. Maybe YOU are associating with the wrong kinds of men? Both in the kinds of guys you date AND your male friends--if they get violent that way.

 

3. You have a right to tell the guy via email or text. At any rate, I definitely can't imagine a man both (a) tracking you down to slam a car door on your foot after you send him a text politely turning his invitation for another date down, and (b) letting you be after you ignore him and treat him as a nonperson.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Imajerk17

[truth_seeker]

I see both sides of this debate.

 

Monicaelise has had some really bad experiences with men not taking rejection well. So with that, I can understand her apprehension in being direct and just going ghost on them.

 

On the flip side, what she is doing I would consider classless and spineless, since I don't know her past dealings with men and knowing myself to not be the type to get crazy angry over a rejection.

 

FTR: If I get rejected, I just give a smile with a "I understand" and walk away, while muttering under my breath: "shove it up your a--, b-tch!" lol.

[Sunfire73]

O yeah, after nicely rejecting some guys, I was called a douche, selfish, stock up snob, etc...

[Imajerk17]

 

3. You have a right to tell the guy via email or text. At any rate, I definitely can't imagine a man both (a) tracking you down to slam a car door on your foot after you send him a text politely turning his invitation for another date down, and (b) letting you be after you ignore him and treat him as a nonperson.

 

 

My point of this is that if a guy were to turn hostile after you turn him down respectfully, he surely would turn hostile were you to just ignore him instead.

[Imajerk17]

monicaelise, I'm only going by evidence. Many *many* women handle the guys they go out with far more respect than you seem to. And they seem to be a lot more optimistic and less fearful of the male gender than you seem to be. At any rate they haven't abandoned common courtesy under the guise of "protecting their safety" or anything like that. And they're living to tell about it too!

 

What is the difference between you and these women? What do you think the difference is?

Edited January 7, 2013 by Imajerk17

[monicaelise]

monicaelise, I'm only going by evidence. Many *many* women handle the guys they go out with far more respect than you seem to. And they seem to be a lot more optimistic and less fearful of the male gender than you seem to be. At any rate they haven't abandoned common courtesy to us under the guise of "protecting their safety" or anything like that. What is the difference between you and these women? What do you think the difference is?

 

Show me those women, mr. Imajerk. I'd like you to show me a woman in her 40s (who's actually been dating or involved with men for years and years) who hasn't had a negative experience of the sort I've discussed. Granted, not all of them will have had to deal with bodily assault, but the majority will have, like the OP and the countless other women in this thread, had to deal with some variation of the garbage I've discussed. So, to answer your question, there really is no difference.

 

Women who date a lot eventually learn that not everyone deserves their consideration or respect. From what I've seen of your posts, your dating experience has been somewhat restricted, at least in terms of old broads like myself, so you really don't know how those little chippies you chase will ultimately turn out. In time, most women do come to the very same conclusion ES ...and all the other women who have posted similar sentiments.. do. I don't honestly care whether someone like you thinks I'm rude or disrespectful. You matter even less than the men I've "poofed" on. I posted in this thread because I am sympathetic to what ES's position and I don't think it would hurt for males on this board to get some insight into what's really going on when a woman just bails. It's not always another man, it's not that she's too busy, it's not that she is a tease or player, or whatever other nonsense we see the males on this board try to make it out to be... sometimes she, whoever she is, just doesn't think it's worth the hassle of making explicit her disinterest in the way you'd like because she knows there's a good possibility you will not handle the rejection well.

[monicaelise]

O yeah, after nicely rejecting some guys, I was called a douche, selfish, stock up snob, etc...

 

I just want to be clear that I do not "like" that you were called names. The like is a matter of you providing yet even more support for what I've said...

 

The poster above you did as well. I may be classless and spineless, but I'm not walking off calling anyone names. That is the epitome of classlessness in my book. This is exactly why women walk away with no explanation or warning. We see this stuff enough times, over years and years, and we learn. It's just not worth it to sit there and eat **** from someone you don't even like, much less care about.

 

I love how so many people think that rejection is a fair basis for things like name calling, and then sit there and call me cowardly, spineless, rude, etc. Not one of these people is worth an ounce of my consideration or time.

[TheBigQuestion]

If a woman doesn't mind when a man fades on her due to his disinterest, I don't really see an issue with her doing the same to men she isn't interested in. Unfortunately, the reality is that many women, including ES (trust me on this one, as someone who has read/posted in this forum for 5+ years), have been driven batty when a man has gradually diminished or cut off contact with her in the context of a relatively short-term relationship. Yet they then think they are entitled to simply stop contacting the guy altogether despite the fact that they would not want to be treated in such a manner.

[phineas]

You could be single and having sex, with several girls. Not to put words in for him, but I believe he is saying he stays single or dates a girl to figure out if she is girlfriend material, becomes exclusive and then has sex.

 

Essentially.

also I used to meet women who aren't sleeping with me, aren't exclusive, aren't well anything but someone I've gone on a few dates with that try to keep tabs on me, don't want me talking to other women, essentially treat them like we are exclusive then when I agree'd they wound up going *poof* a few weeks later or pulled the fade or were seeing / sleeping with someone else the whole time & backburnered me.

 

so if a woman wants me to herself she needs to make me her's officially.

[phineas]

I pretty much handle it like this

 

 

I've so done that.

I've even told women "we can be friends then & i'll date someone else"

[truth_seeker]

This is dating in general today: people will multi-date and sleep with multiple people until there is exclusivity.