Why women prefer not to reject men clearly

[063rneb]

Umm how bout neither? How bout just walking away like ES is planning? Your binary fails to consider the very thing the OP is talking about. "Fading" isn't about stringing along, misleading, or abusing. It's about leaving things alone without creating any more havoc than necessary when you know you're not interested in starting a relationship with someone who you've invested nothing in.

 

Call me crazy, but having my car keyed or being called filthy names or getting a dressing down in any manner from a person I couldn't care less about just isn't an appealing option. I'd rather be a chicken **** than "take my licks" from someone I am already uninterested in. There's nothing noble about coming clean in these scenarios. It's just stupid. The other party gets nothing out of it and neither do I.

 

This isn't a perfect world, neither isn't an option. Life usually gives us a choice between two unappealing options, it's part of being an adult. My contention to fading, is that it is a double-edged sword. Sometimes it makes things easier, sometimes it makes things harder in the long run. I mean, why even bother with it if you have zero interest in someone's feelings (rhetorical question) ? And don't tell me "because, sympathy." Call me crazy, but having my feelings hurt > spending years in psychotherapy. The coin falls both ways. I've had an advance used against me as an opportunity for immolation to pay me back for some kind of deranged vision of "rejection" of the past. Twice, actually. So using this thread to pile on men who project their hurt feelings is not valid IMHO. Both parties are guilty of this, just in markedly different ways which are really just indications of differences in genders period.

[Imajerk17]

I thank Eternal Sunshine for posting this thread, not because I think that ignoring texts and phone calls after a date is right (I in fact do not), but instead because it gives insight as to why women do this.

 

Eternal Sunshine and monicaelise: If you go on a date and are not feeling it, a simple "thanks for the date but I'm not feeling the spark, I'm sorry" text (or email) after that is called for. And then you can vanish for good. You might think that just because you "invested nothing" or you had bad experiences being honest in the past, you are absolved from common courtesy. But the fact of the matter is that the guy had to ask you out, plan the date, and pay for the date, and it would be appreciated for you to at least acknowledge that and treat the guy like a human being.

Edited January 5, 2013 by Imajerk17

[trevzilla]

Well it's a generalization. The last woman I went out with told me she didn't feel chemistry and I didn't get nasty. I wasn't really feeling it either, but I was willing to try on a 2nd date, but that's her decision.

[monicaelise]

This isn't a perfect world, neither isn't an option. Life usually gives us a choice between two unappealing options, it's part of being an adult. My contention to fading, is that it is a double-edged sword. Sometimes it makes things easier, sometimes it makes things harder in the long run. I mean, why even bother with it if you have zero interest in someone's feelings (rhetorical question) ? And don't tell me "because, sympathy." Call me crazy, but having my feelings hurt > spending years in psychotherapy. The coin falls both ways. I've had an advance used against me as an opportunity for immolation to pay me back for some kind of deranged vision of "rejection" of the past. Twice, actually. So using this thread to pile on men who project their hurt feelings is not valid IMHO. Both parties are guilty of this, just in markedly different ways which are really just indications of differences in genders period.

 

Eh?? Fading most definitely is an option. It's one exercised by a good many "adult" men and women (including this one). Why you think "the real world" boils down to the bizarro dichotomy you've presented is beyond me.

 

After years of "directly" rejecting men I wasn't interested in and seeing various degrees of "kooking out" behaviour, I finally realized that...if I'm not interested...I don't owe them (or anyone) an explanation. I'm not going to go off and talk smack about them or do anything to disparage them behind their backs, but I'm also not going to go out of my way to offer up a justification for bailing. If they do ask, I'll just say things weren't working for me, but I will go out of my way to avoid that conversation in the first place. The only people that I owe any sort of clear explanation to are the people I've acknowledged as being significant to me in some way, provided they want one of course. If they don't, I don't need to rub salt in the wounds.

[monicaelise]

I thank Eternal Sunshine for posting this thread, not because I think that ignoring texts and phone calls after a date is right (I in fact do not), but instead because it gives insight as to why women do this.

 

Eternal Sunshine and monicaelise: If you go on a date and are not feeling it, a simple "thanks for the date but I'm not feeling the spark, I'm sorry" text (or email) after that is called for. And then you can vanish for good. You might think that just because you "invested nothing" or you had bad experiences being honest in the past, you are absolved from common courtesy. But the fact of the matter is that the guy had to ask you out, plan the date, and pay for the date, and it would be appreciated for you to at least acknowledge that and treat the guy like a human being.

 

I don't expect a call back, a text, or an email from someone who isn't interested in me. As a matter of fact, that's one easy way to determine whether someone isn't interested. Why would I be expected to do anything if I'm not feeling it? How is it common courtesy to offer up my disinterest?

[crude]

There's just no easy way for a woman to say "no thanks".

 

 

That's nothing compared to a man who isn't interested in a woman sexually and has to say "thanks but no thanks" to a woman who offers herself up to him. It's insanity to the 10th power there.

[Imajerk17]

I don't expect a call back, a text, or an email from someone who isn't interested in me. As a matter of fact, that's one easy way to determine whether someone isn't interested. Why would I be expected to do anything if I'm not feeling it? How is it common courtesy to offer up my disinterest?

 

If you go on a date with someone and you aren't feeling it and they *don't* get back in touch with you, then yeah, leave well enough alone.

 

If they call you for a second date though, it's a sign of respect to at least get back to someone. I myself always appreciated hearing something back from the person, and I always felt slighted when I heard nothing. I went out of my way to plan this date and try to show this person a good time and they can't even acknowledge that?

 

I've gotten more Zen-like in that regard but I still feel fading by ignoring communication is not cool.

 

If a woman calls me for a second date and I am not interested, I tell her. She went out of her way to show up for the first so she deserves to hear something back from me IMO.

[monicaelise]

That's nothing compared to a man who isn't interested in a woman sexually and has to say "thanks but no thanks" to a woman who offers herself up to him. It's insanity to the 10th power there.

 

Perhaps, but that only means that both men and women should learn to "fade". No one should ever be direct in rejecting anyone lol!

[phineas]

Nearly every time I rejected a man by telling him either that we don't have enough in common or that there is no spark (I am talking 4 dates or less), they became really nasty.

 

 

I guess my only questions here is who is paying for these dates?

Do you expect these men not to date anyone else?

And on the guys it takes you 4 dates to decide you don't like them what are you doing with them sexually if anything at all?

 

If guys getting pissed off when you pull the plug happens this much you have to look at the one common factor. you.

 

Either you are choosing a certain type of guy or you are very bad at rejecting guys or something else you are doing is just pissing them off royally.

 

The other option is you are just a disrespectful, self-centered harpy that has deluded herself into thinking that using men and discarding them is perfectly fine. (I have actually dated a few women like this in my time.) but i'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

 

Let's put it this way, when I reject a woman & she gets pissed off, I know why because I tell them exactly why & that reason is i'm telling them something truthful about themselves & they just HATE when someone does that.

[Star Gazer]

But I rectified that little problem.

I went binary.

I either have a GF or i'm single.

And if i'm single I can do what I want with whomever I want.

I don't answer to anyone.

 

Quality of life has improved significantly for me since making that change.

 

I'm confused. Isn't that the case for everyone who's not married? How did you make that a change?

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm confused. Isn't that the case for everyone who's not married? How did you make that a change?

 

If you haven't noticed there are many people right here on LS who do two things.

 

1.) They give the title GF or BF to anyone they have three (and sometimes fewer) good dates with. Often without discussing exclusivity.

 

2.) They then they insist that this "relationship" be treated with sanctity and decry any "homewrekcers" who would show interest in their SO.

 

In short I think he means a real serious GF with whom he has a real relationship with. You know, the kind where you'd at least trust them with house keys.

[carhill]

Another potential reason is that, in the case of men who are not heretofore strangers, the lady is balancing the value of the man's place in her life outside of a potential romantic encounter and is ambivalent about risking loss via his reaction. Her read of his emotional style assists her in making a decision, presuming he does matter to her as a person, then she acts on that information and insight. This presumes her motives for and interest in their interactions is genuine.

[GirlontheLam]

I've heard stories of this from women that I've dated but it just sounds so surreal that a guy would do that.

 

Are you dating guys that don't seem like they have many other options?

 

How exactly do you word the rejection? Can you give us an example?

 

How far physically do you go with these guys before you reject them?

 

Something similar has happened to just about every woman I know. Some from initial dates. Some from rejections to cold pick-ups. Some from short stints of dating. It is extremely common.

[phineas]

I'm confused. Isn't that the case for everyone who's not married? How did you make that a change?

 

It's very simple really.

 

GF = exclusive = sex. (there is some negotiation room if we are doing other things in the bedroom & it really comes down to the individuals label for such things.)

[MrCastle]

Some people who are bad at handling rejection are just bad period, no matter how you try to do it. They're not mad about how the rejection was handled, they're mad about being rejected period.

 

I think I handle it pretty well. I honestly feel worse for the woman than I do for myself. In my mind, obviously there's something wrong with her if she can't see how awesome I am. Someone that can't see the obvious is not someone I'd be able to get along with anyway. So I feel worse for the girl than I do for me.

[SpiralOut]

Yep . . . I've had a couple of men act very angry about being rejected. And then after throwing their little fit and insulting me, they would calm down, and try to talk me into giving them another chance! As if nothing had happened! These were men who had anger issues already.

[phineas]

Some people who are bad at handling rejection are just bad period, no matter how you try to do it. They're not mad about how the rejection was handled, they're mad about being rejected period.

 

I think I handle it pretty well. I honestly feel worse for the woman than I do for myself. In my mind, obviously there's something wrong with her if she can't see how awesome I am. Someone that can't see the obvious is not someone I'd be able to get along with anyway. So I feel worse for the girl than I do for me.

 

I agree with this.

also to go one step further, when they reject me, i'm cool about it because they usually realize how much of a horrible mistake they made because the other guy they thought was so great wasn't.

 

If i'm a jerk to them, it eliminates any chance of making them a FWB down the road.

[somedude81]

Some people who are bad at handling rejection are just bad period, no matter how you try to do it. They're not mad about how the rejection was handled, they're mad about being rejected period.

 

I think I handle it pretty well. I honestly feel worse for the woman than I do for myself. In my mind, obviously there's something wrong with her if she can't see how awesome I am. Someone that can't see the obvious is not someone I'd be able to get along with anyway. So I feel worse for the girl than I do for me.

You could bottle some of that confidence and sell it. You'd make a killing.

[MrCastle]

I agree with this.

also to go one step further, when they reject me, i'm cool about it because they usually realize how much of a horrible mistake they made because the other guy they thought was so great wasn't.

 

If i'm a jerk to them, it eliminates any chance of making them a FWB down the road.

 

I pretty much handle it like this

 

[TheZebra]

I think I handle it pretty well. I honestly feel worse for the woman than I do for myself. In my mind, obviously there's something wrong with her if she can't see how awesome I am. Someone that can't see the obvious is not someone I'd be able to get along with anyway. So I feel worse for the girl than I do for me.

 

See, that's sexy. Maybe a little big-headed, but sexy nonetheless

[MrCastle]

You could bottle some of that confidence and sell it. You'd make a killing.

 

 

It is what it is man. If the choice is "Wow, I got rejected, what a bitch! Why doesn't she like me?! :(" I'd much rather say "Haha, wow. Poor girl. She can't see how awesome of a date I'd be. Oh well."

[SilentVoice]

I rather reject a guy clearly.

 

1. Because if I am done with a guy I want to be done

2. I don't want any chance of leading him on

3. Or for me to end up using as an emotional sponge

 

So I will usually clearly tell a guy I am not interested and cut all forms of contact and ignore his contact as well.

 

I have had bad reactions since rejections aren't nice and even have been told off but nothing that I couldn't get over.

 

I don't like being rejected so it is understandable.

[unluckyinlove4]

Just had this issue the other day. I was texting with a guy I had met via OLD and he was REALLY keen. Like TOO keen. Texting me every three seconds with the "What are you doing now?" type thing. Like...I'm still sitting in the same place I was ten minutes ago...not much has changed!

 

After a couple days I stopped responding. My profile says I don't play games, which I don't and men I've dated have told me they appreciate that quality about me...they don't really have to guess if it's okay to call me, etc....I'm very open about where I see a relationship going, etc. This guy then wrote, "Don't play games, huh? That's a joke." I politely apologized and said I should have just told him I wasn't interested up front when I realized I wasn't. He demanded to know why and then got really upset when I told him he was "too overzealous for me, but another woman might enjoy constant contact....it's just not my dating style." Then he told me I was a B***** and wasted his time....yeah it seemed like he was doing a lot with those updates he was sending me...grilling chicken, working out, watching TV....can't believe the time wasted!

[Star Gazer]

It's very simple really.

 

GF = exclusive = sex. (there is some negotiation room if we are doing other things in the bedroom & it really comes down to the individuals label for such things.)

 

I still don't follow.

 

You said you changed such that you now only are single or have a GF. Isn't that the case for everyone who's not married? That they're either single, or have a GF?

[PhoenixRysing]

I think there is a good mix of options for rejecting someone just so they know you aren't interested verses just busy. You can save people a lot of time and confusion by being up front depending on the situation.

 

With first contact (OLD, FB, Cold Approach) I think a simple No Thank You while voicing your appreciation, or in the case of OLD I think it's fine to just not respond to the first email. As a woman I would rather be ignored on OLD than get a rejection response and think it is going to be positive when I see it.

 

After a few dates, a quick call, text, or end of date "You're a great guy/gal but we want different things, good luck with your search" is plenty.

 

Quasi-relationship to relationship, I think a more in depth conversation via phone or in person is appropriate.

 

Of course there are some grey areas, sometimes you just lose touch with people and if it feels like the interest is mutually unchaseworthy, then the fade is fine.

 

Just my thoughts. I guess I go based on what I want in each situation and do my best not to ever leave someone wondering if I am ever going to call or see them again.

 

I will say I am relatively new to dating again after a longish marriage so I wonder how much of my response is based on that. My going in assumption is I am going to see you again unless I say that I'm not. Others may have a going in assumption that they are never going to see someone again unless they say they are. The difference is subtle but I think it could easily change whether you think poofing is OK.