Why women prefer not to reject men clearly

[somedude81]

Nearly every time I rejected a man by telling him either that we don't have enough in common or that there is no spark (I am talking 4 dates or less), they became really nasty.

 

A most recent one send me this e-mail:

 

"Who do you think yo are? You are a heartless ice-queen. I am soooo sorry to have wasted your time. Karma is a bitch. I hope you get sick again" <I confided in him about an illness I had in my early 20s>

 

One before that sent me an article about how women over 30 should settle for anyone that wants them as time is running out

 

Another one from earlier in 2012 told me how I am nothing but an immigrant and should have been honored that a 5th generation Aussie like himself wants to date me

 

I don't think I am ever going to bother explicitly rejecting a man again. When I do the fade, basically just avoid them, they tend to get the hint and leave me alone after awhile.

You sure do attract the as*holes.

 

Only somebody completely immature would react in that manner.

 

BTW with you doing the fade, there is no guarantee that they wouldn't react in the exact same way.

[sweetkiwi]

You sure do attract the as*holes.

 

Only somebody completely immature would react in that manner.

 

BTW with you doing the fade, there is no guarantee that they wouldn't react in the exact same way.

 

I completely agree with you. But as a person who has never been dumped I can tell you that there's a little ********* in all of us.

[truth_seeker]

 

It has also been my experience that people who fade out. or reject me in an indirect way will want to come back at some point as if nothing even happened.

 

That's their "leave the door open" move. They're either seeing someone else or not interested in dating you at that moment, but have enough interest to keep you on the back burner.

[irc333]

Okay, are we talking "face to face" here? I'm sure when you rejected a man, in person, he never yelled at you, right?

[monicaelise]

That's their "leave the door open" move. They're either seeing someone else or not interested in dating you at that moment, but have enough interest to keep you on the back burner.

 

The fade has never been about leaving doors open for me. It's about following the path of least resistance. If I don't want to be with someone I've just met, I don't really feel the need to explain myself if I'm not interested. ES's post isn't about fading out of a relationship, it's about unloading someone you don't want to pursue a relationship with. I also don't think I "owe" someone an explanation of why I don't want to pursue a relationship with them. Respect is earned. If it hasn't been established, the departure shouldn't be where it begins. If you're in a relationship with someone, however, it's a whole different ballgame.

[soccerrprp]

The fade has never been about leaving doors open for me. It's about following the path of least resistance. If I don't want to be with someone I've just met, I don't really feel the need to explain myself if I'm not interested. ES's post isn't about fading out of a relationship, it's about unloading someone you don't want to pursue a relationship with. I also don't think I "owe" someone an explanation of why I don't want to pursue a relationship with them. Respect is earned. If it hasn't been established, the departure shouldn't be where it begins. If you're in a relationship with someone, however, it's a whole different ballgame.

 

I agree. I would clarify my earlier post(s) by saying that if we had been dating for a while that an explanation would be preferred. But, if just met, one or two dates, fade away....

[EasyHeart]

[

With all due respect, you are incorrect. While I haven't broken up with women, I do have many, many close male friends as well as relatives. I also have just as many female friends and relatives. This is an age-old pattern and not something I just decided based on my own personal experiences. If you think I'm off base, have a look at the Break Ups section.

 

I'm well aware women behave badly. I'm talking about the general patterns of behaviour.

Got it. All men are evil, all women are perfect. Good to know.

 

 

I meant to address this as well, as it's also incorrect. If I really did turn things in on myself, I wouldn't always be the one leaving. I've only recently decided that perhaps my disinterest in continuing relationships is probably rooted in my weirdness. So yeah, wrong again, but nice try.

You might want to consider that it's rooted in your misandry.

[monicaelise]

[Got it. All men are evil, all women are perfect. Good to know.

 

 

You might want to consider that it's rooted in your misandry.

 

ROFLMAO, I never said anything about anyone being evil. Project much? All I said, if you'll recall, is that women tend to internalize the failure while men externalize more often than not. Perhaps you're just one of those wonderful, introspective and sensitive types and I'm wrong.

 

Maybe you should just have a peek around this site, and a few others, and a few self-help sections in your local library, and every stupid woman's magazine, and and and.. if you think I'm so far off base. Of course it is much easier to just point the finger and call me a man-hater so you can do that too if it suits you. It won't change anything, either way.

 

You might want to check your own misogyny there buddy. You've clearly got some big old issues of your own if you're reading misandry into my posts. I wish I were a man-hater, it would have made life a lot easier LOL!

[Keenly]

That really sucks that because of men that behave like this, women assume that all men will react this way. I would honestly prefer that I was told right away, up front, and honestly about it.

 

I mean come on... anger? I would definitely not be angry that some one is being honest and doing me a favor.

[truth_seeker]

The fade has never been about leaving doors open for me. It's about following the path of least resistance. If I don't want to be with someone I've just met, I don't really feel the need to explain myself if I'm not interested. ES's post isn't about fading out of a relationship, it's about unloading someone you don't want to pursue a relationship with. I also don't think I "owe" someone an explanation of why I don't want to pursue a relationship with them. Respect is earned. If it hasn't been established, the departure shouldn't be where it begins. If you're in a relationship with someone, however, it's a whole different ballgame.

 

I understand. I'm sure there are others who do this as well. My comment was in response to what Mrlonelyone wrote.

[Casablanca]

That really sucks that because of men that behave like this, women assume that all men will react this way. I would honestly prefer that I was told right away, up front, and honestly about it.

 

I mean come on... anger? I would definitely not be angry that some one is being honest and doing me a favor.

I agree...I prefer that if we have met, them to tell me in person. I'd prefer to not hear anything if it was just an email I sent online

[truth_seeker]

I agree...I prefer that if we have met, them to tell me in person. I'd prefer to not hear anything if it was just an email I sent online

 

I mentioned earlier how I went out with a girl and felt nothing was there. I chose to call her up and at least be respectful in having a quick chat. She ignored my call and chose to respond via text. Coward move on her part, but it is what it is.

[063rneb]

Um, it's not only men. The words "emotional rape" come to mind. Nobody likes to be rejected, especially when they've been rejected on the basis of insipid mind games/dating rituals/rules and not on the basis of merit (have had women tell me things like "right now isn't a good time for a boyfriend...gonna start flirting with you again next week though after I've not been honest with you" etc.).

[monicaelise]

Um, it's not only men. The words "emotional rape" come to mind. Nobody likes to be rejected, especially when they've been rejected on the basis of insipid mind games/dating rituals/rules and not on the basis of merit (have had women tell me things like "right now isn't a good time for a boyfriend...gonna start flirting with you again next week though after I've not been honest with you" etc.).

 

You actually had a woman say this to you?? Don't you think you'd have preferred her to do what the OP is planning and just not ever bother saying anything to you.

 

You've given every woman on this board one more reason to just not say a darned thing. No explanation means she's not giving you a bull**** one. Faced with the choice between your reaction to an easy let down and the hostile reactions that I and a number of other women here have personally witnessed when directly rejecting someone... well it definitely makes the OPs planned new approach look more and more sensible.

 

I don't think I am ever going to bother explicitly rejecting a man again. When I do the fade, basically just avoid them, they tend to get the hint and leave me alone after awhile.

[TheBigQuestion]

If it's only been a date or two, I don't see a reason for either sex to have a sit-down (whether real or virtual) to explain why they are rejecting someone. It's the more honorable thing to do, but if you can't handle someone you're rejecting getting angry at you, by all means you should do what you deem best.

 

What happens upon fading out or rejecting is also unique to each guy. Back in my single days, if I liked someone I was dating and she started fading out on me, I would persist until I actually did get a straight answer from her. But that's mostly because I personally consider the inability to be straightforward and confrontational a major weakness, and it is one of my few pet peeves when I perceive those qualities in others.

[suladas]

If it's only been a few dates I don't think you owe them anything. I just won't contact them again, if they contact me I will tell them though. Wouldn't bother me, after a few dates I'm not going to be invested anyway. Now as for a relationship, I've had the fade happen and it really pissed me off, it's incredibly disrespectful. Didn't lash out at her though, as much as she deserved it I felt that it likely wasn't done to hurt me on purpose so didn't bother even though it was very tempting. Just acknowledged that its not a respectful or ok thing to do to someone.

[063rneb]

You actually had a woman say this to you?? Don't you think you'd have preferred her to do what the OP is planning and just not ever bother saying anything to you.

 

You've given every woman on this board one more reason to just not say a darned thing. No explanation means she's not giving you a bull**** one. Faced with the choice between your reaction to an easy let down and the hostile reactions that I and a number of other women here have personally witnessed when directly rejecting someone... well it definitely makes the OPs planned new approach look more and more sensible.

 

The emboldened part was actually sarcasm, meant to explain what actually happened, which was in direct refutation of what this particular woman said. Actually, my response was to never talk to her again. Much more reasonable than spiteful and petty vindictiveness, and I don't have time in my life for immaturity and dishonesty.

[Vercetti]

This gave me a flash of the " ignore " topic. Anyhow what that topic made me think is exactly what OP stated. The exact reason ignore someone is so they take the hint and don't play 20 questions of why not. Does someone really want me to tell them " oh cause you look like a low class troll that can't take social cues." Someone making a unwanted advance doesn't have a right to know why they were ignored for the intrusion. Maybe they should spend their energy on someone that wants to utter a word with them.

 

Anyhow my above mindset is for a strange girl or guy pulling a random approach. I suppose the more established the relationship the more a explanation could be expected or deserved. Yet even then the reason is always simple, the person doesn't want to be with you.

[063rneb]

Unfortunately, "ignoring" somebody can play into the "hard to get" mindset and backfire sometimes. Also, I have much more respect for somebody who takes a "random" approach to someone they are interested in. It shows me that they are original, and confident in themselves, and don't approach romance like it is a game to be won or lost. Because in my opinion, anybody who treats romance like a game, is only making sure there will be two losers. I am a fan of unabridged honesty, and can't stand even benign/positive emotional and social manipulation. That's my .02 I've had people say things like "mind games are either worth playing, or they're not." Um, no they're not. It's vanity and insecurity, and there is no other way to slice it.

[scratch]

Nearly every time I rejected a man by telling him either that we don't have enough in common or that there is no spark (I am talking 4 dates or less), they became really nasty.

 

I don't think I am ever going to bother explicitly rejecting a man again. When I do the fade, basically just avoid them, they tend to get the hint and leave me alone after awhile.

 

Most people have said that they like when people are upfront with them. My suspicion is that even the women who said they use the fade method don't prefer it when the tables are turned.

 

While it may have been painful for you to receive rude emails from people you never want to talk to again, is that pain so great that it causes you to treat others differently than you want to be treated? Personally, I can handle the occasional rude email or awkward conversation if that's what it takes for me to behave in a dignified, honorable way.

 

This thread is a little like the ones started by guys who say "I opened myself up to a woman and got burned when she flaked, so from now on I am going to be dishonest and trick them into casual sex."

 

The only time this came back to bite me was when a graduate student I rejected then proceeded to aggressively and repeatedly insist that I explain my reasons beyond "we're not a fit." I told her she was ugly, she got really upset, and I lost a few friends who had to choose between us. Later, it got back to me that she pushed me because she thought it would be funny to watch me squirm. So, she deserved it.

Edited January 5, 2013 by scratch

[Imported]

Fading on a person just shows complete disrespect to a person. I mean, really OP, you can't even muster up some courtesy to tell someone to stop wasting their time with you? Oh, they get angry? Hell, I had crazy women key my car, scream at me while going into hysterics. Run around trying to humiliate me to anyone that would listen. I still manage to tell girls that seem to want to get serious with me that I am not that guy and they should move on. My car has been keyed four different times by women that knew we were never going to be serious and when I sensed that they started thinking that way, I let them know to move on and they key my car. Talking high end cars with a paint job that cost more than a lot of cars on the road....keyed telling me to **** off, which doesn't make any sense since I wasn't trying to keep them around or be near theim. First 2 times, I took it on the chin and dealt with it with insurance and out of pocket. Last two times, I sent them the bill with threats of law suit. They both paid without going to court since it is obviously them that did it and I was going to sue and most likely get substantially more in court than what I was asking for outside of court. Women can be complete psychos when they are rejected.

 

Even so, I think it is pathetic for someone to completely disregard a person because they are too chicken **** to let them know it wont work out and they should move on. I might not tell a girl why, but I will absolutely give her the respect to let her know to move on. Most move on gracefully, a few go psycho. I don't let the psychos cloud my decision making because that is just disrespectful to all women in general. But I guess that doesn't matter to you OP, because all men are the same, so its OK for you to treat them all like ****.

[063rneb]

Perhaps the women in this thread who lament should ask yourselves this: would you rather have a man who implodes on you and tells you some mean things and then goes away. Or would you have somebody who, in one of the most tragically ironic acts of all time, exploits your emotions for them, strings you along, gives you all the signs; the turning around and looking while walking away, locking eyes etc. only to pummel your mind, heart and soul while you fall into the trap, then tell every single person in your life of the opposite sex that you have all kinds of venereal diseases, and concoct some kind of story that tries - and succeeds - to have your job taken from you...all in the name of being "rejected" ?

 

I know which one I'd rather deal with

[monicaelise]

Perhaps the women in this thread who lament should ask yourselves this: would you rather have a man who implodes on you and tells you some mean things and then goes away. Or would you have somebody who, in one of the most tragically ironic acts of all time, exploits your emotions for them, strings you along, gives you all the signs; the turning around and looking while walking away, locking eyes etc. only to pummel your mind, heart and soul while you fall into the trap, then tell every single person in your life of the opposite sex that you have all kinds of venereal diseases, and concoct some kind of story that tries - and succeeds - to have your job taken from you...all in the name of being "rejected" ?

 

I know which one I'd rather deal with

 

Umm how bout neither? How bout just walking away like ES is planning? Your binary fails to consider the very thing the OP is talking about. "Fading" isn't about stringing along, misleading, or abusing. It's about leaving things alone without creating any more havoc than necessary when you know you're not interested in starting a relationship with someone who you've invested nothing in.

 

Call me crazy, but having my car keyed or being called filthy names or getting a dressing down in any manner from a person I couldn't care less about just isn't an appealing option. I'd rather be a chicken **** than "take my licks" from someone I am already uninterested in. There's nothing noble about coming clean in these scenarios. It's just stupid. The other party gets nothing out of it and neither do I.

[Imported]

 

Call me crazy, but having my car keyed or being called filthy names or getting a dressing down in any manner from a person I couldn't care less about just isn't an appealing option. I'd rather be a chicken **** than "take my licks" from someone I am already uninterested in. There's nothing noble about coming clean in these scenarios. It's just stupid. The other party gets nothing out of it and neither do I.

 

OK, I guess it flew over your head. It is not about me getting anything out of it. It is all about giving the other person the respect to let them know to move on, instead of spend what can amount to months trying to figure out wtf is happening. I'd rather they not waste their time in frustration wondering what is going on when I have the answer for them. Some people have empathey, some don't I guess.

[monicaelise]

OK, I guess it flew over your head. It is not about me getting anything out of it. It is all about giving the other person the respect to let them know to move on, instead of spend what can amount to months trying to figure out wtf is happening. I'd rather they not waste their time in frustration wondering what is going on when I have the answer for them. Some people have empathey, some don't I guess.

 

If your car has been keyed four separate times, something is clearly flying over your head, especially in regard to how you're handling your business with women lol! If you're dating women who require months of neglect to ascertain they're unwanted, well that would indicate another thing that appears to be flying over your head. There's nothing empathetic about "directly" rejecting someone you don't have a relationship with. It's actually kind of a cruel and dickly move in most cases. It's far kinder to just walk away like a gentleman if you've got nothing invested in the relationship to start with. If the woman in question doesn't come asking, chances are she doesn't want anything to do with you either. If she asks, you should of course be frank with her. Otherwise, you know the old adage...if you can't say something nice, best to just STFU.