Feeling really hurt right now

[Amelie1980]

I'm about to break NC on mine too. Miss him so f-ing much.

 

I am very fragile and just been prescribed anti biotics.

[NoMoreJerks]

If you can afford to -- don't do it. It only served to make my ex feel better about himself, and made me feel 10 times worse than I was already feeling.

 

And I know you won't believe me right now. I didn't believe what I'd read on the forum, and caved and texted him back. Now I regret it so much.

Edited January 26, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Amelie1980]

I'm about to break NC on mine too. Miss him so f-ing much.

 

I am very fragile and just been prescribed anti biotics.

 

Anti depressants not anti biotics

[TaraMaiden]

Now I feel like crap. I don't know what the f*ck he's trying to do. He clearly doesn't want to get back together. But he's sending mixed signals about how he feels ? Why??

B-R-E-A-D-C-R-U-M-B-S

 

Makes him feel so much better and less guilty about having been a callous retard with your heart.

Shoot he's such a jerk.

And you're falling for it again.

 

 

D.amn

R.etards

A.lways want

M.ore

A.ttention.

 

You cannot be more disappointed in yourself than I am in you.

 

Sad.

[Els]

NO MORE JERKS, honey!

 

Read your own username!

[NoMoreJerks]

Here's what he JUST said:

 

"If I come to Canada it will be too difficult to leave. I have feelings for you but can't stand only seeing you so infrequently. My work is going to be based mainly in Turkey this year so we can only see each other on vacations. I would like to spend time with you again even if you want to keep it as just friends. I need a holiday soon, thinking april time. What do you think? This job makes my life so complicated. Don't need an answer tonight, have a think. Or we can at least keep in contact, maybe chat on Skype sometimes, watch something together. You are a good friend and I miss our chats. You have a lot on your mind right now, and I am busy with this job, but hopefully soon we will both be able to think straight."

[TaraMaiden]

Here's what you reply:

 

"I'm so sorry, but that's not enough for me. I have deep feelings for you and I will not put up with a halfway house. We either commit to an LDR and work at it, or go our separate ways. But I can't and won't compromise on Love. If you can't give me what I need, don't expect me to be flexible and give you what you need. That's no compromise. That's sacrifice. And one I'm not prepared to let my poor heart go through.

Please, let's finish this on a good note.

 

Goodbye, have a good life. "

 

I DARE YOU.

 

Do.

It.

 

Fer chrissakes!

[iouaname]

You are NOT at square one. You might feel like you are, but you've spent the time since the break up learning. You made a mistake and you know that, but now it's time to apply everything you've learned, get back on the horse, and continue on.

 

Even the mistakes are a learning experience.

 

Hope you're feeling a bit better!

[NoMoreJerks]

I have an update.. I will post in a bit.

[cavalier99]

Let me guess. He proposed marriage thru text from Turkey and is flying to see you today . Sorry im being facetious.

Edited January 26, 2013 by cavalier99

[suladas]

Oh no I was hoping I was wrong but I knew I wasn't, because I lied to myself in the same way before. You're not back at square one, its just a tough learning experience. But I surely hope you don't continue, it will only hurt you worse. I don't even think you should send what Tara wrote, you broke up twice the relationship is dead, finished, nothing good can come by continuing it in anyway (even as friends). As hurt as it may be, you just have to let him go.

[geegirl]

NMJ, it's very sad to see you do this to yourself again. I went back and read your past threads and maybe you should do the same.

 

You slammed this man and called him a sociopath/narcissist and you ranted on other poster's threads about your experience and now you're engaging this so called sociopath again, even extending an invitation to stay in your home if he's in the area. When you are mad, you label him and when he's back, you try to get in his good graces. Why can't you see how unhealthy this man is for you?

 

You really have to dig deep and find out what it is about you that feels so driven in engaging with such drama and self-destruction.

Edited January 26, 2013 by geegirl

[Allumere]

Tara...very simply, when someone is depressed or suffering from depression that logic switch that makes them listen or make decisions to get them on the right track is simply stuck. It isn't really that they don't want things better, they either can't see it or just can't get from A to B. Understand the frustration. I have been on both sides...an ex husband that was bi-polar and not medicated and now dealing with depression myself. Nothing wrong with being direct, honest and giving the kick in the old ass, but sometimes it isn't going to help. We all have "stuff" and for some of us we may look at someone and say "Really?? Thats it....are you kidding?" but they feel what they feel and its simply their stuff. I am sure many have looked at my situation and said the same but it doesnt matter what they think. It's my struggles and they cause me pain and so its my focal point. Not bashing you at all...again, I totally understand the frustration.

[iouaname]

Depression is difficult. Break ups are difficult. Life is not a walk in the park for any of us. I sympathize with what Amelie1980 is going through, but it isn't enough to want to get better or wish you weren't depressed. You have to fight.

 

There's a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I have written on my phone (dorky, I know, but it helps re-wire my mind when I'm having a rough time): "Life isn't bliss. Life is just this. It's living. You'll get along. The pain that you feel can only be healed by living. You have to go on living... Strong is fighting. It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do."

[NoMoreJerks]

I have a massive headache, so I need to keep this update short, but what an emotional day.

 

Just too exhausted/drained right now.. relieved but drained.

 

We had a long "chat" by text after he texted me that stuff.. probably for the best that it happened by text, since I would've completely cried my heart out if it were done by phone. I told him I still had feelings for him, and that I can't entertain friendship until such time that I wouldn't feel anything if I saw him in another woman's arms... I said I would like to give LDR another try, and that I think we could manage, if he is willing to put in effort. This was the first time he admitted that he had feelings for me. I don't think he did it because he was manipulating me. He needn't have done that. I probably would've stayed friends if he didn't say that. He knows I am hooked to him because I have very deep feelings for him. So I dont' think he needed to say that stuff just to bait me. I think he really meant it, and that he really has some trust issues and fear of opening up. Anyway, I told him I am a fighter and that I fight for things I believe in, and I am willing to do that in this relationship, but only if he wanted to do that too. I called him up (free, using an app on the phone), and we talked for a long long time. Over an hour. We talked about what happened in the past month, when he broke up with me, etc. It was a mature discussion and it really gave me hope. I then told him that I already know my answer, but that it was up to him what he wanted to do now. The ball was in his court. He said, I want what you want. So he's going to come visit me in April, and he's going to book his flight in mid-February this time around, to make sure. He told me it was unfair to me to not have a boyfriend in my city, etc., and to instead tell my friends that my bf is not here, he's traveling all over the place, etc., and to not have my bf be close to me all the time, be there for me. I said, listen: If I wanted someone just because he would be in my city all the time, I would've found someone. But I want you, not some other guy who happens to live in my city. So anyway, we then talked some more on Skype.... about 4 hrs with videochat. :love: I am hoping this works out. I know a lot of you will say I'm daft for giving this guy a third chance. I might get hurt again, but i need to do what my heart tells me to do. :love:

 

I think he is being honest and genuine. He could've spent a fraction of that money to go to Thailand and be with those prostitutes, but he's not even entertaining that and instead wants to come visit me, a city that he really didnt' like much when he was here. Maybe he's had a change of heart.

Edited January 27, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just do me one favor and go back and re-read all the horrible things you wrote about this man - not a single one of which has ever been resolved.

 

He frequents prostitutes

 

He is a porn addict

 

He pressured you to have a three way and NEVER QUIT

 

He does not care about you

 

You think he is a narcissist and/ or had BPD

 

You think he is a loser

 

He has told you that he never really cared much about you

 

He told you to have sex with his friend

 

He lied to you about visiting you at Christmas, and did not

 

HE HAS DUMPED YOU TWICE.

 

You keep talking about giving him / "this" another chance. Another chance for WHAT? To be what you want him / the fantasy relationship to be? Because, you KNOW what it really is. You have loads of experience about exactly what is being offered to you here.

 

If you go into it again please at least acknowledge that you are signing up for all the lovely items I've listed for you above, plus more of the same.

 

You have showed this guy that you are ALL ABOUT breadcrumbs, and it is convenient for him to throw a few your way to have you available when he happens to come to your part of the world.

 

If that's okay with you, fine. But please don't get all dramatic and hateful about this guy when things go just as history has shown you that they will.

 

Okay?

[cavalier99]

I hope it works out for you and with or without him you are happy. I just hope your not just stringing your self along only to be crushed again. Please tread carefully..if that is possible.

 

I know it is almost impossible to temper hope but you need to really be looking after yourself. Just remember your life doesn't depend on this guy. Ok? Good luck and still post here if you need to. Well always be around to help. Cav

[iouaname]

Just curious - what issues that caused the break up have been resolved? Was there discussion on fixing the issues or are you two just jumping into the same relationship? Also, do you think that the period of no contact played a part in his wanting to get back together?

 

Ultimately, I hope that you will be happy and that this will work out how you want it to and that you won't end up hurt again

[NoMoreJerks]

OK, first of all, sharing me with his friend??? Where did you get that from?

 

Yes, I said all those things about him, and based on his past behaviour, I am not taking those things that I said back.

 

He has not been back in Thailand since our first break-up, and he does not want to go there, if he wants to spend that money to come visit me instead.

 

And to be fair, he never lied about coming to visit me over Christmas. He promised me to do so, said it was a sure thing, but told me to visit my sister for a few days, even if he came to visit me. He didn't live up to his promise, but that's pretty much it. He never claimed he had bought a ticket. He just flaked out / blew me off last minute. Which is not much better than lying, I suppose. But he was stressed and I can understand that. He had been working double-shifts - nearly 18-19 hrs a day -- in a dark room calibrating projectors, for the past month and a half,and he would've had a few days of rest at home, before coming to visit me, and it was a bit too much for him. He explained this today. And I just said: ok, I understand, but why didn't you tell me so ? I would've been disappointed but I would've appreciated your honesty and understood that you were stressed.

 

Also, I never responded to breadcrumbs. The first time we got back together, he called me up and asked to get back together, after I did not respond to his texts. The 2nd time around, he sent me a text and I did not respond for 10 days, and when I did, it was just a mssg to tell him I was still alive but overwhelmed with work, etc. He then slowly started telling me stuff that he wasn't sure he should say, because he didn't know how I would react. For all he knew, I could've torn him a new one, or rejected him flat out, which would've hurt his ego. Anyway, I never took his breadcrumbs. Only after he made a substantial effort did I reciprocate. I preserved my dignity, and never begged for him back this time around, even after he mentioned that if not for the distance, things would've worked out between us.

[NoMoreJerks]

Just curious - what issues that caused the break up have been resolved? Was there discussion on fixing the issues or are you two just jumping into the same relationship? Also, do you think that the period of no contact played a part in his wanting to get back together?

 

Ultimately, I hope that you will be happy and that this will work out how you want it to and that you won't end up hurt again

Well: I demanded (in a non-confrontational way) explanations as to what happened a month ago, when he broke up with me. And why, after telling me he didn't need the hassle/stress that I was causing him, he now wants to be back with me? He said that he was under overwhelming amounts of pressure back then. He is now too, but not as much, because he doesn't have a super-tight deadline, and he is getting used to working in Turkey, etc. I told him why I was upset (him blowing off our plans last minute). We talked about how he felt like if I got upset about him not texting me good morning or whatever, I would shut down and give him the silent treatment. I told him that when that h appened, it was because I had no idea what was going on or what to say / do, and that I wasn't being passive aggressive, but just didn't want to say or do something that would've hurt him or ruined the relationship, because I can be impulsive at times. We talked about that stuff, and he understands now that I wasn't being passive aggressive. I told him that I need him to be more open and communicative, and to tell me what is on his mind.

 

Also, the whole thing about our future together. I asked him right out, if he would, at some point, entertain the possibility of moving to my country. I told him I know that he cna't leave his job, and I am not asking him for that, but his job is mostly around the world at any rate, and he can get relocated to my country and fly to his contract countries from here instead of from the UK. He said that yes, if he can arrange stuff at work, he'd move here. This is a first for us. I mean, in the past he had weaseled his way out of the question by saying that he didn't know what his plans for next week were, let alone 2-3 years down teh line. I told him that I am not saying that he should move here right now, or that I might even be in this city for good, myself, but I needed to know that this something he was willing to do. I felt confident enough to raise this issue, and I told him he didn't have to give me an answer right away, and that I knew I was putting him on the spot, but he did give me an answer. And I really think that he was being honest.

[geegirl]

You've gone from using your ex on this site as the poster boy for sociopathy and narcissism to sweet gooey lovey hearts about a 4 hour skype chat.

 

Nothing about this man has changed.

 

After a spell of NC, you both have delved into the honeymoon period again. All googly eyed, while sweeping the issues under the rug. There was a reason why he dumped you TWICE. The kiss and make-up. It's all surface level. Rather than deal with the void and accept the reality of him and the situation, it's much easier to shut an eye and jump back in.

 

If this goes belly up the third time, please don't slam him with personality disorders. It would be time to start focusing on what about you is defective in that you choose to continue making these poor choices and your inability to create any boundaries for yourself.

[iouaname]

So what is the plan moving forward? Will you go back to being boyfriend/girlfriend and continue on that way or are you taking things slow and building back up to a relationship?

 

I know how difficult long distance relationships can be, and how the distance causes a lot of uncertainty and panic about the future...

[NoMoreJerks]

You've gone from using your ex on this site as the poster boy for sociopathy and narcissism to sweet gooey lovey hearts about a 4 hour skype chat.

 

Nothing about this man has changed.

 

After a spell of NC, you both have delved into the honeymoon period again. All googly eyed, while sweeping the issues under the rug. There was a reason why he dumped you TWICE. The kiss and make-up. It's all surface level. Rather than deal with the void and accept the reality of him and the situation, it's much easier to shut an eye and jump back in.

 

If this goes belly up the third time, please don't slam him with personality disorders. It would be time to start focusing on what about you is defective in that you choose to continue making these poor choices and your inability to create any boundaries for yourself.

Like I said: I realize that those issues were very real issues and they are lurking in the background. I still think my ex has major issues/baggage/personality disorder(s). But I love him. Does that mean I have no boundaries? I don't think so. I don't know how much of my story you know. Does it mean I have no self-respect for taking him back? No. Every time that I got back with him, it's been him wanting me back / asking for it explicitly. Sure, I've done the begging thing before, but so has everyone else. I'm not saying that this will be easy and not a rollercoaster ride. I know it will be. It already is a rollercoaster of emotions. I just burst out crying, because to be honest, I don't know what to expect, and I am just too scared about how things are gonna turn out. I am too scared of really trying this LDR seriously this time around. Maybe I, myself, am a commitmentphobe unconsciously? It is scary to think about putting in so much effort and money and time, and risking wasting years of my life (when I want to have kids, and I am turning 30), with no guarantees, especially that he's walked out on me before. But I love him, and there is not a whole lot of "logic" when it comes to love. I myself have acted impulsively before, with friends -- deleting their numbers, cutting off contact with them, because I thought they were disrespectful, etc. and I was too stressed to deal with the issue and try to resolve it. And you know what? My friends were patient and respectful enough to talk to me afterwards, and resolve things, after I got over the stress and the anger phase. If my friends were that way with me, imagine how much I'd want to be that way with my ex, whom I love deeply? I want to help him, and I don't want to hurt him. I am scared because I know that I will never find the courage to break up with him, if things started going wrong, which means that I will inevitably end up hurting myself because he'd be dumping me again. I would never break up with him, especially NOW, because he trusted me with his feelings, he confided in me that he had feelings for me, and I know how hard it was for him to do that, after being hurt by his ex , whom he loved a lot. I can't bear hurting him like that, and leaving him scarred again. I can't have that on my conscience. What does that say about me? That I don't have boundaries? That I am co-dependent? I don't know. I think I am co-dependent, yeah, and I definitely want to "fix" him. Maybe I can't, but I really feel a very deep urge to try, to be there for him, and to show him how much I love him. I feel bad / sorry for him. Call me naive. Maybe I am. I don't know.

[NoMoreJerks]

So what is the plan moving forward? Will you go back to being boyfriend/girlfriend and continue on that way or are you taking things slow and building back up to a relationship?

 

I know how difficult long distance relationships can be, and how the distance causes a lot of uncertainty and panic about the future...

Well, we are kinda already acting like gf and bf, but we are also taking things slowly -- I think there is a lot of trust that needs to be built, especially after 2 break-ups... and a lot of issues that need to be talked about/resolved. But I know that I will be more open from now on, and have more of a personality of my own, rather than becoming a mere extension of him. That has been an issue for me: losing myself in the relationship and kinda being scared to voice my own opinions about things, about what I wanna do, etc. I need to work on that. But we are going to take it slow -- he's coming to visit me in April, and we'll talk regularly on the phone and on Skype until then (he can't come here earlier because of work). He reassured me, that I can contact him any time, that he will have his phone with him, so I can call him or text him any time, and he will do the same, will text me or call me every now and then to share stuff about our day/ week. He said he can't talk to me every day, because he wants to hang out with work mates (they're all working together abroad). Which I totally understand. I mean, I don't want to keep him in his hotel room talking to me 24/7. I want him to go out and have a social life. I know that he's an introvert and doesn't have a lot of friends to begin with, and I want to help him break out of that a bit, as well. So it actually made me happy that he said that. I need to work a bit on my own insecurities -- because I tend to be a bit paranoid.. not without good reason (considering that he's been to Thailand a few times / year).. but part of it was my own insecurity.

[geegirl]

You have a thread about "Trust and STDS" and in that thread you state that he visits Thailand 4-5 times a year and visits prostitutes. And in that same thread you talk about what the consequences of having sex with him (getting an STD) upon his return from Thailand. I'm sorry, NMJ. This is a trainwreck.

 

Zero self-respect. Zero boundaries.

 

Please go back and read your threads. He pushes you for a threesome and sends you up the wall with it only to gaslight you when you decide you can't. What boyfriend treats their girlfriend that way?

 

This is not love. This is addictive, co-dependent behavior. You're confusing your toxic attachment for love. Define love in the right and healthy sense. Just because you are attached, don't label it love. Intensity is not always love.

 

Help him? He's perfectly content with the way he is. Content with his visits to Thailand, protitutes, threesomes and such.

 

Help YOU. The fact that you need to fix him rather than yourself speaks of you having no love for yourself. It's easier to try and fix him because it allows you to take the focus off you because it's just too hard to buckle down, feel the pain and face your own demons.