Feeling really hurt right now

[xxoo]

Learning that he is your first explains a lot. You've had a taste of all the wonderful moments that sex and relationships can offer. Sweet stuff, indeed!

 

You'll have that again. I promise. With experience, you'll get better at choosing partners, and navigating relationships, and then one day you'll have a love that makes you wonder why you ever shed a tear over this guy. Hugs!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Wow, I'm just shocked to hear that you got back into this mess after all the awful things you shared about it. WHY??? Didn't he tell you way back in October that he did not have anything more than friendly (and I guess sexual) feelings for you? I had no idea. I'm sorry you did that, and sorry that you are feeling bad, but now is the time for you to stop the madness, for real. Part of that is, as others have said, to quit making ANYTHING he's doing or why he is doing it your business anymore, ever.

 

I know it seems impossible, but even if you really do care what he's doing, just pretend you don't and try as hard as you can to NOT check the websites, etc.

 

Take care and I hope your new year does not have any of this kind of crap in it.

[Anela]

It's good you're getting angry about the idiot.

 

Maybe that's what it took.

 

Can you start caring less, now?

 

He's a jerk.

 

No more jerks....?

 

NoMoreJerks, I hope that you can move on from this. I had trouble because of other things simultaneously happening, and I can tell you that I don't miss him at all. Every contact with him after a certain point, was torture - it made me feel worse, when I didn't think that was possible. I still feel sad over everything, and wish that I could have moved on much sooner - one thing that held me back was a lack of confidence in myself.

 

I hate to think of him dragging your 2013, but I do have an idea of how you feel. Especially the Thailand crap - it dragged things into my life that I was mildly aware of, but never thought would be front and centre for me.

[Pinky777]

It sounds like a relationship with ups and downs, good times and bad times that just ran its course. It's your first, so of course it's going to be much harder for you to get over than him. You will have thos experiences and memories, and now you know a little better what you want and more importantly, what you dont want.

[Mr.White]

I deactivated my Twitter during my 'break' and following the break up I did not re activate it until recently.

 

I then unfollowed my ex and live my life and try to avoid seeing psot by her friends which is why I no longer use it. Staying on a app that you used solely for the purpose of your ex is forcing yourself to stay in the past.

 

Think all negatives about your ex when their thought comes to mind. I do this especially since my ex is a two faced liar. She even hates her best friend.

[NoMoreJerks]

Wow, I'm just shocked to hear that you got back into this mess after all the awful things you shared about it. WHY??? Didn't he tell you way back in October that he did not have anything more than friendly (and I guess sexual) feelings for you? I had no idea. I'm sorry you did that, and sorry that you are feeling bad, but now is the time for you to stop the madness, for real. Part of that is, as others have said, to quit making ANYTHING he's doing or why he is doing it your business anymore, ever.

 

I know it seems impossible, but even if you really do care what he's doing, just pretend you don't and try as hard as you can to NOT check the websites, etc.

 

Take care and I hope your new year does not have any of this kind of crap in it.

Thank you, Mme. Chaucer. He pursued me hard after the first break-up. In fact, when he texted me, I didn't reply. Then he called me, and I knew it was him , but I couldn't not pick up. I just wanted to hear what he had to say, and I guess he knew how to say all the right things (he's a really good manipulator). Oh well. Live and learn, I guess. I am never getting back with him even if he begs me to, and even if he were the last man on the planet.. I am just really upset at the way he treated me, and the way he used me the second time around, and then discarded me. I think he would not have discarded me if he knew that his company would still send him to my country. I could feel something was "off" in the past month or so, and maybe his daily phone calls and promise to come visit me over Christmas/NYE was just a way for him to appear like he was making the effort, when he really was thinking of dumping me all along. Or maybe he was just using me because, as he admitted, he called me every day in the past month because he missed me , but not because he likes me the way I like him, but because he usually feels worse when away from home. His words, not mine. I just feel so used right now, and hate myself for it. My ego and self-esteem have taken a huge beating. I can't believe I fell for this again, thinking that he had some feelings for me. This past month, I felt something was off, because he wasn't on his usual behaviour, he was showing more interest in me, calling me, etc. I kept wondering what it was all about, but couldn't put my finger on it, and thought, maybe he is developing feelings for me, maybe "absence makes the heart grow fonder," etc. I was so wrong. He was just using me, and when he got back home and no longer needed someone to vent to about his job, and knew he would no longer be sent here, he just dumped me and moved on. I sure hope that there is such a thing as karma and that he will be miserable for the rest of his life for the way he treated me.

 

At this point, I am not even contemplating initiating contact (NEVER!!!!), and in fact, if he tries contacting me, I will tear him a new one, or just ignore (whichever is bound to irritate him more).

 

I just feel this deep urge to email him and tear him a new one, and then move on. I was too nice to him when he dumped me, and said all the wrong things, making him feel good about himself. I knew it was the last time I'd be talking to him, and , despite the way he had treated me, I couldn't bear the thought of being mean to him and ending it on a nasty note.

 

I deeply regret that now, though. I am wondering if I should write an email about all the ways in which he used/abused me and how much of an assh*le he is. I don't want to be doing something that makes him feel satisfied for having dumped me, though, and I am wondering if coming across as a jaded, bitter person would make him think that he made the right choice because "she's crazy." I don't want to sound desperate or like I'm seeking attention or fishing for a response. But I still want to tell him what's on my mind. I wonder if silence is the best response in this case, though.. If I hadn't been so nice to him and hadn't ended our "relationship" with an "I love you" even after he dumped me, I would've thought that silence would be the best response to his behaviour, but now I want to take back all the nice things I said to him, about how he had made me happy, and that I was sorry I couldn't make him happy, etc. I feel so stupid for having said all that. I was just too emotional and wanted to spill my feelings to him, because I knew it was the last time I'd be talking to him. How can I take it back? What's the best way to go about it? I don't want to really engage in a conversation with him again. I don't want to read any reply he might have to my email, in case I send him one. I just want to get it out of my system and have the satisfaction/closure that he's read it.

Edited January 1, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mme. Chaucer]

There is a fine line between honoring your own feelings and indulging in over-thinking and analysis about a situation over which you have absolutely NO control - his behavior and his motivations for it. You'll never really know, and it's not good for you to keep after that.

 

Happy new year! Emphasis on the HAPPY.

[NoMoreJerks]

There is a fine line between honoring your own feelings and indulging in over-thinking and analysis about a situation over which you have absolutely NO control - his behavior and his motivations for it. You'll never really know, and it's not good for you to keep after that.

 

Happy new year! Emphasis on the HAPPY.

Sure but I asked a question about expressing how I really feel about the way he treated me, because I never really told him that, and I feel that I need to , in order to have proper closure. The only problem is that I don't want to sound desperate/bitter/crazy/fishing for a response , in the process. I wouldn't mind blocking him from email/phone/sms/etc. once I send him that mssg. I just want him to know what an assh*le I think he is.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, Hell's Bells, I don't know how often I'm going to have to repeat this...I really should copy/paste posts that I make, because sadly, this comes up over, and over and over....

 

Your ex - anybody's ex - can never provide the 'closure' you require.

It cannot happen, and never will.

for many reasons:

 

Sometimes, they don't know themselves, and will say anything to justify themselves, even to the point of giving several reasons, because actually, they can't pin it down;

 

or -

 

Sometimes they will downright bare-faced lie, because they want to protect themselves and prevent any suggestion of their being a total selfish azzhole;

 

or -

 

sometimes no matter what sensible, logical, rational and reasonable argument they put forward, the dumped partner won't listen, doesn't want to listen and refuses to accept the argument, because they refuse to believe it's over, and cannot for the life of them let go.....

 

So where are you supposed to find closure then?

 

Well - read my signature.

 

Says it all.

 

And giving them a piece of your mind, does nothing but make you seem crazy in their eyes, and merely confirms their actions to them.

 

"You see? I was right! What a nut-job s/he was - I was sooo right to end it when I did! Phew - think I dodged a bullet there!"

 

And he WILL think this.

he's the kind who will, because he's the kind who, in his own eyes, can do no wrong.

[NoMoreJerks]

Tara, OK, I understand, but I am not asking for closure from HIM. I already stated that it's not about what HE will say. It's about what I want to tell him.

 

But you're right, about him thinking that I'm crazy, and giving him confirmation that he did the right thing. That was partly why I did not go off on him when he dumped me, though I probably would've felt SO much better if I had. In fact, HE told me: "be angry if it makes you feel better." I think he was just telling me that because he was desperate for confirmation that I was some crazy, obsessed , over-clingy stalker type person.

 

In a sense, I'm glad I didn't go down that road, but it kills me that I couldn't give him a piece of my mind, because I rarely stood up for myself in this relationship, and rarely managed to set any boundaries, even when I did try. He just managed to break through my boundaries, after we got back together. Telling him how much of an ass*ole he is is now a matter of regaining my self-confidence and self-esteem. I gave him all sorts of ego-boosters after he dumped me, that I should not have given him. I am wondering if I can take that back, because those things that boosted HIS ego, really took away from MY EGO and self-esteem.

 

But -- I don't want to do it if it will confirm to him that he did the right thing by dumping me, and no, not because I have hope that he will want to come back! It's only because it would be nice to think that, MAYBE, just MAYBE (even if i will never know for sure, and even if he will never actually feel that way), being the more mature and decent person in this pseudo-relationship / FWB arrangement of his , will make him realize that he really f*cked up big time and lost out on being in a relationship with a truly caring person (unlike the bitches whom he dated and co-habited with, or whom he hangs out with in Thailand).

 

I'm just really angry at myself, and I feel like I need to do something to ease that anger and embarassment.

[NoMoreJerks]

Sometimes, they don't know themselves, and will say anything to justify themselves, even to the point of giving several reasons, because actually, they can't pin it down;

Yeah, this was the case for him, I guess.

 

But I honestly don't really want to hear his excuses/reasons/justifications. I am done analyzing/over-analyzing his reasons for leaving me. Whatever they were, they are, and I can't change them -- it's over and I can deal with the fact that it's over. I know that it's over, and, in fact, I do NOT want him back, so there is no intention of changing his mind about this.

[Missing Him]

I know what you're going through because I have wanted to do the same thing. After I accepted that he wasn't going to change his mind and realized that the only option was for me to move on - I began real no contact. What started out as sadness turned into anger, and that's the stage that I'm at right now (and I believe you are, as well.) Point is - feeling angry at your ex is just part of the process. I also have all of these things that I want to say. I want to write him a long letter, send it to him, and then feel "closure." But what will actually happen is that you'll write the letter, send it, get no response or a response that you aren't hoping for, and you'll be back to square one. Then you'll have to repeat it all over again. You'll find new things that you wish you had said to give you closure... it just becomes a never-ending cycle.

 

Perhaps you should write him a letter. Get all of your feelings out, say all of the things that you wished you had said, and then delete it. It sounds cheesy, but imagine all of those feelings being deleted as you delete that letter. It can be pretty therapeutic, I've found.

[TaraMaiden]

OK, here's what you do:

 

Buy a lined pad of paper, and start writing.

Write down everything you'd like to say to him, everything you feel and think about him and everything you want to get out of your system.

 

Write longhand, and don't do it on a computer.

Forget grammar, spelling or sequence; it doesn't matter. Just hurtle through, getting everything out, and down. If you need to cross out, do it. But don't stop and over-think it. Just slam it all down, instinctively, and get every fibre of anger, resentment and opinion out and onto the page.

 

Then, when you've finished, put it into a draw and leave it over night.

 

Go take a shower, and wash all the residue of anger off your skin and out of your head.

 

The following day, take a metal container, or go somewhere safe, take all this written stuff - and burn it.

 

Vow that from this moment onwards, as the fire consumes every word you poured out, that this is the end of it.

It's over, done and finished and is as ephemeral as the smoke and ashes being taken on the breeze.

make sure it all burns, and then let every fragment blow away, and with it, every vestige of whatever it is you're holding on to.

Say 'goodbye' but it's not going to invade another second of your life.

 

For me?

It worked.

 

(This wasn't with a failed relationship, admittedly. But there was something I HAD to let go of, or it would have destroyed me. And it worked.)

[Mme. Chaucer]

From your choices up to now and the way you feel about all of it, I can pretty much guarantee that you are not going to get any "closure" from communicating to him what a jerk you think he is. I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You are still fishing for a variety of different things from him. If you weren't you would not be spending all this time trying to "know" what he was thinking, feeling, and doing. But if you are determined to find out how much satisfaction and "closure" you'll get from doing this, then I guess you will find out for yourself.

 

From my perspective, it seems like a sad attempt to keep a fantasy alive.

[NoMoreJerks]

From your choices up to now and the way you feel about all of it, I can pretty much guarantee that you are not going to get any "closure" from communicating to him what a jerk you think he is. I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You are still fishing for a variety of different things from him. If you weren't you would not be spending all this time trying to "know" what he was thinking, feeling, and doing. But if you are determined to find out how much satisfaction and "closure" you'll get from doing this, then I guess you will find out for yourself.

 

From my perspective, it seems like a sad attempt to keep a fantasy alive.

Nope -- there is just no fantasy at all. You're so wrong. I am too emotionally drained to even want to hear back from him. I can't do this anymore. I can't have him prance in and out of my life whenever he wishes to. He made up his mind to leave me, and I have made up my mind to never take him back. EVER. Like I said, at this point, I do not even want to hear from him, and if I were to ever send an email to him about this, I'd immediately block him on the email, phone, sms, etc., so as not to read his reply (if any). I really would do this. I have been so exhausted by this that I haven't even had the temptation, even from day 1 of being dumped, to contact him.In fact, between the time that I posted this thread, and today, I no longer even care whether he's using that app or not, whether he will contact me years down the line, or whatever. I simply don't care anymore. I need to focus on my life, because since I met him, I've been putting my life and career on hold, and it's come to the point where I'm worried that I might actually get fired by the professor I work for, because I still haven't done some of the stuff that he had asked for a few months ago. I need to get my life back, and the process started when he made up his mind and decided for the both of us. I had no choice in the matter, and I'm not going to fight it. What's done is done. In fact, his behaviour , now that I think of it, has turned me off him SO MUCH. I no longer find him attractive at all. He's an idiot who does not know what he wants , he has issues, he's insecure, he's still not over his ex (who dumped him 2-3 years ago), he prefers going to Thailand than coming to see me -- all those are huge turnoffs and I can't believe I realized this only now, i.e. today. I am no longer attracted to this man. I realize that it's so hard to get over this, even after all he did to me, primarily because I am afraid of being alone. I should overcome that fear, and also realize that he's not the last guy who will show interest in me. I'm also afraid that I will have a hard time trusting another guy, for fear that he'd treat me the same way, and I'm worried that this will lead me into some sort of forced loneliness. I do feel lonely, and I want a partner and feel anxious about my age (because I'm only going to look uglier as time goes on, and because I want to have kids of my own). But I can't try to force a square peg in a round hole because of my desire to have kids.

Edited January 1, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm also afraid that I will have a hard time trusting another guy, for fear that he'd treat me the same way

 

That is understandable, but really (I am NOT trying to bust your chops here), you can promise yourself to observe red flags - and not necessarily just bad character traits, but even things such as, "is a part-time LDR appropriate for me at this time of my life? Probably not" and HEED them rather than other messages that are more alluring at the time.

 

From what you shared about the whole ordeal with this guy, you were overlooking red flags galore. You CAN find a trustworthy man to love and who will love you too. But you have to walk on by the ones who have SHOWN you that they aren't that kind of man, even if you get some kind of a rush off of whatever they ARE offering you.

 

I want a partner and feel anxious about my age (because I'm only going to look uglier as time goes on,

 

Please try your best to put that thought behind you. Being on these forums certainly doesn't help with that. Yes, young people are prettier. There. It's true. And some guys only value women for their physical parts, and some women have unfortunately bought into this. You need to just leave that in the dust and "do you," to use a dumb cliche. "Do you" with your eyes open and date without jumping into anything - but with an open heart, too.

 

Best.

[NoMoreJerks]

I have been NC for 24 days -- starting the day he broke up with me, on Dec. 22nd -- and my ex just texted me... breadcrumbs:

 

"Hey, hope you're ok. I'm still in Turkey [ for a job ], possibly for a long time. How are things?"

 

 

Well I must say, I thought he would've deleted my number, would never have contacted me, etc., but nope... guess he's lonely and bored...

 

His loss.

 

Not responding.

 

Not picking up if he calls me.

 

Nope. Not gonna fall into that trap again.

 

It's over.

 

That ship has sailed, is far out at sea. Buh-bye, assh*le!

 

Can't say it wasn't a good ego boost though.

[suladas]

Please for yourself don't ever reply to him, you deserve so much better. I can't believe you even got back with him after the first time after what he did. Stay strong, don't give in like last time. You know how this ends, it wouldn't be any different.

[NoMoreJerks]

I had JUST managed to get my motivation back and work on my career / school, etc. , and I will not let him, or his breadcrumbs, set me back.

 

He disrespected me and hurt me in the worst possible way, when he dumped me 2 days before Christmas, over some silly argument that he baited me into... because I was already mad that he had broken his promise to come visit me over Christmas...

 

I'm not here to babysit narcissists who can't control their anger/ rages , or who want to play a game of mindf*ckery. Nope. I need to get my work done, because you know what? I don't need him. Even if I remain single, there is nothing wrong with that, and nothing bad about that.. And there are so many men out there who would be impressed by what I've achieved, and who would appreciate how caring I am, and who would satisfy my needs.

 

Who is he in my life now? A nobody. He is not a bf, not a FWB, and definitely not a friend (cos I am not in the habit of keeping friends who abuse me).. he is just a memory, and a bad one at that... someone I will forget in a few months. The first week after the breakup, I thought about him a lot. Now? A few times a day... In a few months, probably not even more than once a day (if that).

 

I am done with his mind games and his attempts to exercise control over me.

 

He can keep his pathetic breadcrumbs to himself. He can throw them at his Thai prostitute girl friends with whom he keeps in touch, and whom he goes to see 4 times a year. Meanwhile, he did not even keep his promise to come visit me over Christmas.

 

Nope, it is OVER. He can cry his f*cking heart out and kill himself over me, and I still won't take him back.

 

/rant.

[NoMoreJerks]

Please for yourself don't ever reply to him, you deserve so much better. I can't believe you even got back with him after the first time after what he did. Stay strong, don't give in like last time. You know how this ends, it wouldn't be any different.

He is trying to suck me back in.. He was expecting me to text/call, and started getting worried when I didn't... he felt the NC was approaching the danger zone / point of no return. He thinks he can still suck me back in... well he's gonna be in for a huge surprise.

 

He wants to use me, as usual. For an ego boost. Wants me to alleviate his guilt and tell him I'm ok after all... that what he did to me was not bad... right? Because if I talk to him, everything is ok, right? Yeah, we're all friends and kumbaya... right....

[na49]

You go girl! He's probably lonely and sees your number and says to himself "She's been a loyal dog, let's see what she's up to" Think about it. Does he want to talk to YOU or does he just want to talk to anyone? If he's bored, he wants to talk to anyone. You have a great attitude, keep it up

 

I hate how they think that we are just supposed to accept their friendship. They look down on us because we don't. They feel like they're trying to be the "bigger person". (Bigger person my ass! You didn't feel like being the bigger person and talking things out when I was crying begging for you not to go, you witch!)

 

Like sure they abused us. Sure they betrayed us. Sure they hurt us. but oh just forget about it all. It's not like it really matters right? We're the ones who need to learn to forgive? No we're the ones who need to learn from our mistakes. They are mistakes. We won't make those same mistakes again. They don't even want our friendship. They want to ease their guilt. So they can look back and say "Look, we're great friends now! I never hurt him/her!" If they wanted our friendship, they would SHOW us that they wanted it. They would stop at nothing to reach us, to say they're sorry. They aren't doing that, because they are selfish a-holes who are only concerned about themselves. Well I'll be a selfish a-hole too. I'm done putting others ahead of me. That's gotten me nowhere fast. Only after I'm okay will I start worrying about others.

 

sorry for ranting in your thread lol. I was having a good day and then hit another rough patch...

[NoMoreJerks]

If he had wanted friendship (down the line), he should've/would've left me alone, and respected the fact that I needed space/time to heal after what he did to me. But no, his selfishness always trumps my needs. ALways did. Always will. EVERYTHING about the relationship was about HIM HIM HIM , HIS NEEDS. Any time that I remotely wanted one of my needs satisfied, he'd accuse me of being needy. Yeah, dude, I am needy, f*ck you, go find yourself a less needy person! I'm needy as a friend too, so go f*ck yourself!

[NoMoreJerks]

 

sorry for ranting in your thread lol. I was having a good day and then hit another rough patch...

lol, always welcome to do so..

 

Hang in there.. it does get better. trust me. I never thought it would, but now I feel so much better than I did 2 weeks ago. I thought I wouldn't survive this, but I did, and am moving on.

[Missing Him]

Today marks one month for me since the break up, and I'm feeling a lot better. I know how great it is to feel and see the progress in yourself. You sound like you're doing really well NoMoreJerks, congrats!

[NoMoreJerks]

You go girl! He's probably lonely and sees your number and says to himself "She's been a loyal dog, let's see what she's up to" Think about it. Does he want to talk to YOU or does he just want to talk to anyone? If he's bored, he wants to talk to anyone. You have a great attitude, keep it up

Yeah, exactly. Well, he has no one else to talk to, because he has very very few friends (if any). He has managed to alienate/push them all away, I suppose.. he does have a harem of narcissistic supply, though, and I am one of them... probably the one who paid the most attention to him and his needs, of all the women in his harem... so naturally, I'd be the first for him to contact.. especially that he might be feeling guilty about having dumped me, and realized how good I had been to him , now that he's been lonely for the past 3 weeks.

 

I know that he doesn't want to get back together with me. This is just breadcrumbs, just as the whole "relationship" had been just a series of breadcrumbs. He never wanted a relationship in the first place. I was too over-eager, and over-analyzed his words and actions, and thought he wanted a relationship, that I was IN a relationship, when in fact he had been treating me as a f*ck buddy almost from the very start.. the thing is, i no longer get jealous/anxious when i think of all the women who are gonna get to sleep with him or date him. i know they won't last half as long as i did with him.