The letter of apology..

[quite.foolish]

first draft..

 

Listen man, I know I acted like a real jerk. I just want you to know I really am sorry.

I said stupid, nasty ****, put thoughts in your head that should never have been there and I was clearly way out of line. I don't know what I was playing at sending jealous messages to other guys. Really went wild, never done anything like that before.

Keep coming to your house, messaging you a thousand times a day, just sheer panic. I couldn't accept that you'd gone. All that was going through my head was "She used to be my best friend! She must be able to forgive me" Completely screwed.

I know it took me way, way too long to understand that I was really making things **** for you with what I was doing, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did when I was angry, I'm sorry I kept getting at your friends like a twat and I'm sorry it went on for so long.

I really acted like a idiot, I'll never ask for your forgiveness and I'll never bother you again. I just hope you know there was nothing more to worry about and I wish I hadn't acted like that.

I'm sorry.

[spaniard]

first draft..

 

Listen man, I know I acted like a real jerk. I just want you to know I really am sorry.

I said stupid, nasty ****, put thoughts in your head that should never have been there and I was clearly way out of line. I don't know what I was playing at sending jealous messages to other guys. Really went wild, never done anything like that before.

Keep coming to your house, messaging you a thousand times a day, just sheer panic. I couldn't accept that you'd gone. All that was going through my head was "She used to be my best friend! She must be able to forgive me" Completely screwed.

I know it took me way, way too long to understand that I was really making things **** for you with what I was doing, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did when I was angry, I'm sorry I kept getting at your friends like a twat and I'm sorry it went on for so long.

I really acted like a idiot, I'll never ask for your forgiveness and I'll never bother you again. I just hope you know there was nothing more to worry about and I wish I hadn't acted like that.

I'm sorry.

 

I would leave the "listen, man" part, but it's because my native tongue is not English and in my language it sounds a bit... aggressive or something.

 

Send it only if it helps you get your closure and you'll stick to what you say in this letter.

[quite.foolish]

Hey, Sydney..

I hope another email isn't too messed up for you to deal with, I just want to apologise properly.

I know I acted like a real jerk, and I want you to know I really am sorry.

I said some really stupid, nasty things, and put thoughts in your head that should never have been there. I know I was way out of line talking to you that way. I don't know what I was playing at sending jealous messages to other guys that are close to you, I really went wild. I've never done anything like that before.

Me keep coming to your house, messaging you a thousand times a day, it was just sheer panic. I couldn't accept that you'd gone. All that was going through my head was "She used to be my best friend! She must be able to forgive me!" I was in a real mess.

I know it took me way, way too long to understand that what I was doing really made things hard for you. I'm sorry for being so selfish.

I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did when I was angry, I'm sorry I kept getting at your friends like a twat and I'm sorry it went on for so long.

I really acted like an idiot. I'll never ask you for your forgiveness and I'll never bother you again. I just hope you know there was nothing more to worry about and I wish I hadn't acted like that.

I'm sorry.

Edited December 27, 2012 by quite.foolish

[quite.foolish]

Syd..

I really hope another email isn't too messed up for you to deal with, I just want to apologise properly.

I acted like a real jerk, and I want you to know I really am sorry.

I said some really stupid, nasty things, and put thoughts into your head that should never have been there. I know I was way out of line talking to you that way. I don't know what I was playing at sending jealous messages to other guys that are close to you, I really went wild. I've never done anything like that before.

Me keep coming to your house, messaging you a thousand times a day, it was sheer panic.. I didn't want to accept that you'd gone, I couldn't. All that went through my head was "She used to be my best friend! She must be able to forgive me!" I was in a real mess.

I know it took me way, way too long to understand that what I was doing really made things hard for you. I'm sorry for being so selfish.

I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did when I was angry, I'm sorry I kept getting at your friends like a twat and I'm sorry it went on for so long. I really acted like an idiot.

I can't make you believe what I'm saying, I just hope you know by now there was never anything more to worry about and I wish I hadn't made you think there was. You know how much I loved you when we were younger, and I know you know how much I still love you, I didn't come to find you again to act like a twat. I screwed up and I'm full of regret.

 

I'm sorry.

[quite.foolish]

it's going.. just like that.

 

Tara?? Am I stupid?

[quite.foolish]

Syd,

I really hope another email isn't too messed up for you to deal with, I just want to apologise properly.

I acted like a real jerk, and I want you to know I really am sorry.

I said some really stupid, nasty things, and put thoughts into your head that should never have been there. I know I was way out of line talking to you that way. I don't know what I was playing at sending jealous messages to other guys that are close to you, I really went wild. I've never done anything like that before.

Me keep coming to your house, messaging you a thousand times a day.. It was sheer panic. I didn't want to accept that you'd gone, I couldn't. All that was going through my head was "She used to be my best friend! She must be able to forgive me!" I was in a real mess.

I know it took me way, way too long to understand that what I was doing really made things hard for you. I'm sorry for being so selfish.

I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did when I was angry, I'm sorry I kept getting at your friends like a twat and I'm sorry it went on for so long. I really acted like an idiot.

I can't make you believe what I'm saying, I just hope you know by now there was never anything more to worry about and I wish I hadn't made you think there was. You know how much I loved you when we were younger, and I know you know how much I still love you, no matter how many times I've told you the opposite. I didn't come to find you again to act like a twat. I screwed up and I'm full of regret.

 

I'm sorry.

[TaraMaiden]

You've written it three or four times - and it's still not right.

 

Leave it be, discard, and abandon the idea.

 

If you must send anything, send my suggestion (I made in your first thread).

 

Don't elaborate, expand or justify.

 

Just send something short, brief, to the point - then let it go.....

[quite.foolish]

Well, it's in her inbox.

 

Probably going to jail. Probably not ****ing smart at all. Wha the **** have I just done?!

 

Such a ****ing moron. She didn't want that. I knew she didn't. Why the **** would I DO THAT?!!!!

 

OMFG THAT'S ****ING RIDICULOUS

[quite.foolish]

****KKK

 

what the hell have I just done?!

 

That was so ****ing stupid.

 

I'm going to jail.

 

It's ****ed.

 

I shouldn't have done that.

[quite.foolish]

omfg

 

Wha the ****KKKKKKKK

 

that was NOT ****ING SMART. WHY THE ****KK?!

 

omg. omg. omg.

 

I'm gonna kill myself.

[beyond]

****KKK

 

what the hell have I just done?!

 

That was so ****ing stupid.

 

I'm going to jail.

 

It's ****ed.

 

I shouldn't have done that.

 

Why do you think you are going to jail????

[TaraMaiden]

You really need to listen sometimes.

 

No, actually, you really need to listen, period.

 

Why are you acting like such an idiot?

[quite.foolish]

Now what the **** do I do?

 

Just ****ing sit here wait for the police to come get me I suppose.

[TaraMaiden]

Why do you think you are going to jail????

 

I think she has an order out against him?

 

Honestly, I really need to put a brake on my 'trying to help' instinct.

When someone makes it abundantly clear that they have absolutely no intention of listening, or implementing the counsel ANYONE gives them, it's just a waste of breath and a big ego trip for them....

[geegirl]

Now what the **** do I do?

 

Just ****ing sit here wait for the police to come get me I suppose.

 

You knew the repercussions yet you sent it. Maybe the police coming and getting you will be the wake up call that you need to get yourself together. Hitting rock bottom and some sounds like the only way for you.

[quite.foolish]

****ING GREAT. THERE'S ANOTHER ONE GONE.

 

I've completely ****ed it. She's gonna have me arrested again. I'm going to jail. ****ING GREAT.

 

WHAT

THE

****

[quite.foolish]

I think she has an order out against him?

 

Honestly, I really need to put a brake on my 'trying to help' instinct.

When someone makes it abundantly clear that they have absolutely no intention of listening, or implementing the counsel ANYONE gives them, it's just a waste of breath and a big ego trip for them....

 

It's not that I wan't listening. I tried to apologise the way I thought she'd understand and that was it. Now I'm ****ing tripping out.

[terlislee]

Have you read my yesterday's message? I told you not to send anything for this very reason

 

Now what's done is done. Stop freaking out about it, you're not going to jail if you keep it to this one message. You have to prepare yourself for no response or a negative one and whichever it is you do NOT react back. This is done and in the past, forget it and continue NC. Have someone change your email password if you think you won't be able to keep yourself off, and try to be out as much as you can.

 

You have to learn how to focus your thoughts. The loss of concentration and you thinking about billion things all at once is the result of the xbox and weed addiction. Plus all your murder and suicide fantasies are only digging you deeper in. You have to learn how to control your mind and not let it control you and the counsellor will help you. You have to see them regularly, at least once a week, it took me a year and a half on medication and therapy to get over my depression.

 

And start doing things now, don't push it off till you have more money and other excuses. You need to learn how to clear your brain from the compulsive thoughts and the constant anger so you're able to think properly. Do physical exercise - running, sit ups, anything. Also look into meditation. If there's some nature spot close by drive there and take walks. Staying inside your house or room it's the worst thing when battling mental issues.

[geegirl]

Stop this please. If your motive was to apologize, make it count. You destroy every ounce of credibility when you behave this way. If anything, you've just justified every negative thought she has of you. Just utterly useless. Your words mean nothing at this point and she sees that.

 

Stop emailing her.

[terlislee]

Did you send another one? STOP IT. DELETE YOUR EMAIL IF YOU HAVE TO. GO OUT.

[TaraMaiden]

It's not that I wan't listening. I tried to apologise the way I thought she'd understand and that was it. Now I'm ****ing tripping out.

 

No - you just don't listen to anyone. I gave you a great message. All kinds of folks here have been trying to support you.

You've just been going your own blind way.

 

It's not that counsellors/therapists don't understand you.

You ignore everything and anyone.

 

Who have you actually listened to, here?

Whose advice have you followed?

What have you done, in line with anything anyone has suggested?

[terlislee]

Why do you think you are going to jail????

 

He already was in jail and has criminal record cos of this girl. The thing people don't realize is stalker behaviour is like addiction. And OP already has a long history of addictions before that. Sending one apology it's like telling a recovering heroin addict to just have one final fix and that's it.

[beyond]

I think she has an order out against him?

 

Honestly, I really need to put a brake on my 'trying to help' instinct.

When someone makes it abundantly clear that they have absolutely no intention of listening, or implementing the counsel ANYONE gives them, it's just a waste of breath and a big ego trip for them....

 

Ah, I see, thanks Tara.

 

QF - now can you see you need help, that you can't rely on your own judgement right now?

 

You have clearly made lots of mistakes hey, we all do, bt we all try to learn from them and not repeat the same patterns over again.

Counselling will help that but you have to stick at it.

I don't see that there is anymore to say - it's impossible to help someone who just wont help themselves.

[beyond]

He already was in jail and has criminal record cos of this girl. The thing people don't realize is stalker behaviour is like addiction. And OP already has a long history of addictions before that. Sending one apology it's like telling a recovering heroin addict to just have one final fix and that's it.

 

Thanks Terlislee, didn't realise the background as think OP has started multiple threads and then has recently posted under new name as was banned.

[terlislee]

No - you just don't listen to anyone. I gave you a great message. All kinds of folks here have been trying to support you.

You've just been going your own blind way.

 

It's not that counsellors/therapists don't understand you.

You ignore everything and anyone.

 

Who have you actually listened to, here?

Whose advice have you followed?

What have you done, in line with anything anyone has suggested?

 

Tara I know it's frustrating for you to watch him not making much progress but give OP some break. He managed to stay away from that girl if only because of the police warning, he is sorry for his actions and realizes what he needs to do to heal, he went to see therapists, he got a new job etc. It's not easy to turn your life around after doing nothing for 6 years. Also depressed people or those with other metal issues can't see everything so clear cut as you. After my first break up that came when I was already depressed I would listen to everything my therapists, psychiatrists and friends were saying and I knew what I was supposed to do, but it still took me months and months to actually fully comprehend it and do the things I needed to and even then I would fall back every now and then. It requires lots of mental strenght to change your whole thought processes and I think I was much better equipped to deal with that than OP is in terms of upbringing, education, life experience, strong support system etc.