Really stupid..

[quite.foolish]

I can't believe I've made her remember me like that.

 

Not at all smart/kind behaviour. So ashamed of myself.

 

Not being friends anymore, one thing..

 

Her remembering me that way,

 

Not at all good.

 

F*ck.

 

Saw her again last night, not good memories between us at all.

 

Really acted a Fool towards her. Not at all smart.

 

Anyone have any medicine to forget an event?

 

*Shake my head.*

 

So ashamed.

 

F*ck.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Why'd you get banned? What happened?

[quite.foolish]

I just made a stupid post, it said I was going to do something to her. It wasn't something that I should have written on the forum. Nobody wanted to read that.

 

Wish I hadn't made a habit of writing things I don't mean. It's the reason she's not friends with me anymore. ((along with a whole bunch of other girls))

 

You'd think I'd learn before posting it on a forum and having my account blocked.

 

Just a numpty really. It's like I just don't care until it's all too late.

[TaraMaiden]

That's really immature.

 

You need to work on your mental boundaries.

 

You need to put a brake on your mind-machinations and ask yourself whether you enjoy the aftermath of being an immature childish jerk, or whether it would be better to look back on an action and consider it a good move.

It's a no-brainer, really, isn't it?

 

How old are you, actually?

[quite.foolish]

I'm 24.

minus

6 years of social isolation and chronic marijuana abuse.

 

kinda screwed in the head to be fair.

[quite.foolish]

It's like..

 

I say things that are so far out thinking- "No one ould really believe that"

 

Then some people do. Probably sensible to just keep my mouth closed, and my fingers off the text buttons.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm 24.

minus

6 years of social isolation and chronic marijuana abuse.

 

kinda screwed in the head to be fair.

So realistically, you're around 18....

Hope you've quit the dumb stuff. It does some folk no favours at all. I honestly believe it affects different people differently, due to the existent 'wiring'....

 

Like some people have excess levels of serotonin which can turn them into thrill-seeking daredevils...

 

To add, your frontal lobes are still not completely developed, so you're thinking like a 16-year-old adolescent, and you just can't judge some situations in a logical, 'adult' manner.... They don't actually complete a neural link-up until you're around 26 - 30, and with the possible effect of excess drug abuse, you may have delayed it somewhat.

 

I would say just bloody well grow up - but maybe that's honestly not physically possible for you, right now..... perhaps it might just be better to trust the advice and counsel of someone more mature, and run everything by them before hitting 'send'....

 

Loads of people post what they'd like to do, on here, then ask for feedback. if it's any consolation, 99% of the time, they get told "No, don't!!"

[quite.foolish]

I'm in this dilemma at the moment..

 

I know things are way, way over. I know nothing I say or do will make us friends again..

 

It just kinda feels like, she's gonna be left thinking the only reason I stopped keep going to her house and messaging her loads was because I was arrested.. It feels wrong that I left it like that. I wish I could let her know that the reason I stopped was because I actually realised what I was doing was making things worse for her.

 

 

I want to write her a proper apology. Do you think this will mess with her head more? I dunno man..

 

It's been like two months since I made any kind of contact. Surely by now she realises what I'd written was just stupid words, and messaging her loads was a panic reaction to her ignoring me.. Trying to show her I'm not dangerous in anyway.. Completely screwed up, obsessive, needy- yes. A danger to her, no.

 

Is it stupid to email her again? With a (hopefully) well written apology?

[quite.foolish]

I know she didn't want to get me in trouble.

 

I know she gave me a long time to keep myself out of trouble.

 

It's not that I'm worried about getting in trouble. Besides- that isn't all that important to me.

 

the only thing that worries me, is hitting sending- then thinking "snap, I should have written this in there too." Then comes another cycle of sending another twenty emails, adding things, saying something stupid, apologising again for that.. another stupid event that does screw things up for her.

 

One apology would be fine. As long as it's written in a way that actually shows her I'm sorry for what I've done. I'm sure of that.

 

It's just writing a proper apology :s

[TaraMaiden]

The only thing you should send is this.

 

"Sorry I was so stupid. Crazy moment. Consider this a sincere and profound apology, and I promise, it won't ever happen again. This is the last you'll hear from me."

 

And leave it at that.

There's no need to explain, elaborate, expand, or add anything further.

[spaniard]

Too bad I can only like Tara's post once. Do it as she said.

 

Look, mate. I've always had a pretty quick temper myself. I'm thankful that, in my 24 years of life, I've never expressed it by physically punching holes in walls or striking others. But words can hurt just as much. Actually, physical wounds heal much faster...

 

I have been working on it very hard since my BU 6 months ago. When someone pisses me off, and I feel my blood pressure rising, I try to take a nice deep breath, inhale and exhale, and think about the consequences. I has been working for me, I have saved myself from some pretty nasty fights so far.

 

Quick temper is not cool. It can ruin your life, especially your love life. You must work on it.

[quite.foolish]

I don't believe anyone understands.. I truly don't.

 

It's like I've gone back and ruined memories from eight/nine years ago.

 

My present is ruined.

 

My dreams of spending time with this girl in the future are ruined.

 

The regret I have over this situation is nothing like I've ever felt before.

 

I just don't know how to get over this.

 

There's no point messaging her again. That only risks upsetting her again.

 

I tried a thousand times to apologise and she didn't care.

 

I've wrecked EVERYTHING.

 

So much shame.

[quite.foolish]

As for the quick temper thing.. I've done all those things. Punched through doors, punched walls, hurt people physically and left lasting damage.

 

This girl in particular.. I punched numerous things in front of her, broke my hand to pieces smashing it in to a steel lamp-post. Smashed holes through metal boxes in the street. I grabbed her by her arms and shook her, pinned her to the floor, kicked her and screamed at her.

 

Now I've been on a three month hate campaign telling her I'm going to kill her, telling her friends I'm going to kill her, turning up at her house late at night, sitting at the pub by her house starring at her.

 

Just so much stupid ****. I've never treated anyone so badly. It's like I wanted her to belong to me. In many ways I do. I wish she was mine and only mine. Some messed up posessive, obsessive kind of wanting for her to be for me only.

[quite.foolish]

I'm the worst kind of person. How do I get away from my past?!

 

Sometimes I just wish I didn't exist.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh stop wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself.

You think you're the only one who's ever messed up?

You think you're the only one to have ever got himself into a mess?

people do it all the time.

Act before thinking.

 

Sure, it's dumb - but it's over!

 

Quit sitting with the past as a prop.

All it does is make you too lazy to move on......

The more you fill your head with 'shoulda coulda, woulda', the less you can look ahead and improve.

 

Put all your focus on regretting what you HAVE done, and you deny youirself the opportunity of making this a wlcome present, with a better future.

Quit moaning, feeling sorry for yourself and being negative.

 

You're not the first, you won't be the last.

Now, turn around, and focus on your next steps.

 

Life is fresh - you can always begin again, today.

[quite.foolish]

It's not just 'dumb' though, is it?

 

It's BAD. I've never done anything 'BAD' in my life. Sure I've done a few ****ty things out of 'heat of the moment anger/frustration' and so forth.

 

A three month stalking event isn't just -forget this and move on- That's why I don't think people don't understand the regret I have.

 

I scared someone who I care dearly about. I've done something terrible in the eyes of anyone who will ever know about it.

 

I've scarred my own mind acting like this. I know I scarred hers.

 

It's not just a mess up, is it? It's not a boo bo.. It's as if I have messed up problems. I don't want to be someone who can do things like that to people. I have been though, I've been a terrible person. I can't forget that. Nobody will.

[quite.foolish]

Life is fresh - you can always begin again, today.

 

I hate this. It's simply not true in this case..

 

If it was, "Oh, you got out of shape.." sure, fix that.

If it was, "Oh, you haven't worked in a while.." sure, fix that.

If it was, "Oh, you've never had a girl friend.." sure, fix that.

 

It's nothing like that. I've mentally and emotionally scarred a person. I scared her in her own home. The things that the police have written on my record are there until I'm 100years old. The memories of made last until I cease to exist.

 

It's not a boo boo. It's a massive, life changing, memory ruining, future changing F*CK UP.

 

It's not something I can forget about "Oh, the one that got away.. There'll be another" No, it's the one who had me thrown in a police cell and ran in her house when she saw me arrive!!

 

Just move on? Fix your future, forget your past? I can't buy it here.

 

I got a little out of shape, I can fix that tomorrow. I spent too much money, I can make that up tomorrow. My girlfriend broke up with me, one day there will be another..

 

I STALKED AND SCARED A SINGLE MOTHER IN HER OWN HOME AFTER SHE LET ME SLEEP NEXT TO HER. I SCARRED HER MIND. I DELIBERATELY TRIED TO **** UP HER LIFE AND I DID DISRUPT IT.

 

I still have to remember that tomorrow. Then the day after that, and the day after that.

[TaraMaiden]

Then if you can't do this on your own, evidently, you need therapy.

Speak to your Doctor, ask him to refer you to a therapist/counsellor.

 

Be pro-active.

If you don't like the way you're thinking - or feeling - then change it.

And the only one who can put that into action - is YOU.

 

Change who you are.

Take control.

 

You may think what you did is the lowest level - but trust me on this one - it's probably no better or worse than anyone else in a state of depression.

 

Don't just sit there - DO something.

[terlislee]

You are right that there's no point in apologizing, not until you make at least some changes, because until then the apology has no meaning anyway. You hurt this girl both mentally and physically, threaten and stalked her, one minute you say how much you love her and are sorry for your actions and the next you describe here how you're going to kill her. You can say all you want that you don't mean it, but from what you wrote here she has every right to be scared of you so don't push her even more. This is not love, it's an obession, you focus on this woman and the fact she suddenly doesn't "belong" to you, and of course it's driving you crazy, because you made her the beginning and end of your world.

 

If you message her now you will fall into the trap of sending billions of messages and doing god knows what again, because I think we both know it wouldn't end with one apology. And once you do that you will care about the consequences even less than you did before and you don't want that to happen. The thing is your brain will always find an excuse to contact her, so let me tell you that there's absolutely NO reason for you to do it, keep repeating this to yourself. Nothing you say to her will make you feel better or make the situation more favourable to you, it will be a quick fix and then you will be back to square one. Stop caring about what she thinks, it doesn't matter right now, you have to CUT yourself OFF. That's the only way. I know this is horrible of me to say but the fact you got arrested is in a way helpful in the way it's probably one of your best motivators right now, because despite all your regret talk I think it's one of the things that really keeps you from contacting her again and doing something stupid.

 

Tara is right, you are immature still, you haven't had the experiences other people your age have, so at the moment you have to focus on your own growing up and maturing. It will take time but everyone has to go through it. Part of it is owning your own mistakes, taking responsibility for your actions, accept them as something that cannot be changed only learned from and going on with your life, better this time. You know you did something wrong, but instead of following on through the above process you got yourself stuck in self-pity unable to see any other way out than her. That's the easy way out blaming someone else, taking the anger on someone else, expecting someone else to forgive you and make it better... Real world doesn't work like that, all this is only your responsibility and you have to face yourself in this, she has absolutely no part in this anymore. Also work on creating boundaries for yourself, if they don't come naturally to you set them up anyway, nobody can live their lives without any rules, saying or doing whatever they feel like, that's what children do and you need to grow out of it. It is absolutely not acceptable what you wrote here before you got deleted, physically hurting someone and threatening them is not justifiable, she broke up with you and your reaction would be this? Even you must see how not okay that is. You already have a criminal record, don't make it worse for yourself by posting messages like this.

 

Mostly think hard what keeps leading you to these thoughts. My guess is that it's your ego and your inability to deal with rejection which has to do with you maturity level once again. You are multiplying your own pain from this break up by being stuck on the past and unable to move on in any way. It's great you acknowledge your mistakes but that's not enough. Even if she forgave you it would mean nothing and would move you nowhere, it's only something your brain keeps fixating on because anything else would mean some real effort and actions on your part that wouldn't be easy, that would be hard, and after 6 years of no responsibility your brain will fight that all it can.

 

Once again, CUT yourself OFF from her. Avoid seeing her, hearing from her, erase her from you life. It's hard and will take time but you will thank yourself later. It's all about YOU now and unless you do this first step you will keep yourself stuck in this spot that makes you feel so miserable, slowly going crazy. As for your anger issues - take up a sport or some sort of exercise, doesn't have to be gym if you don't have much money, start running or something. It will do wonders for your brain and your emotional state. Don't take too much on all at once, but make yourself some kind of schedule - regular sleep, regular meals, regular physical activity etc. and really stick to it. Your life needs order. Congrats on your new job btw! It doesn't matter if it's not a dream one and you don't like it, it's a start.

 

Everything might seem hopeless to you at the moment, but if you keep going it will only get better, not worse unless you let it. So stop with the pity party, set aside half an hour a day you are allowed to grieve losing her, and the rest work on yourself and your life and don't stop until you are proud of both. Continue therapy despite not seeing any immediate results, changing counsellor is also an option. Also, I'll second all the volunteering suggestions you keep getting - even a few hours per week will make you feel much better about yourself and give you a sense of self worth that right now you're still seeking from her. You can also try help your dad more around the house etc. And it will be good for you to meet new people who will see you as a blank canvas and don't know anything about your past, you need to realize it's not what you already did that defines you as a person, it's what you do next.

[terlislee]

Also I'm not sure how it works in the US but I think you can get your criminal record erased/file for expungement after some time. Either way, it doesn't have to mean anything as long as you change. People did worse things and come out of it a better person, but only because they wanted to. To you it might seem like there's no solution to all this but to sit there and wallow in self-pity over and over again, but there really really is, listen to Tara and others. If you can't see it yourself then work with the therapist, you have to start doing something and if that doesn't help, do more and mostly give it a time for the results to show. Nobody gets to feel good or have a nice life by just sitting home thinking about the bad things in the past, that's logically impossible.

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like you scared yourself. With how bad it got.

 

 

Some people really like drama. And they chase drama. And they create it.

 

Those people are really difficult to be around, because they are always starting trouble. And it is always the same people.

 

You have to be able to grow past this, to move on.