The letter of apology..

[quite.foolish]

It wasn't even on impulse.. I drafted it for about two hours, hoped I'd said everything I needed to, thought it was smartly written and decided to send it then "snap, I cannot believe I've just sent that, omg omg omg"

 

Absolute panic. I sure hope she's decided to let them go too! 3emails in ten minutes. I'm so stupid.

[Zammo25]

Every post that I have read on here has been supportive. Most people take the time and trouble to reply to threads that they in some way care about or it resonates with them in some way.

 

Realising that someone has gone past the 'chin up, you'll be fine' phase and identifying that they may need professional help IS support.

 

Maybe Zammo, like me, you didn't read the FULL story of the OP - including the posts in his other name before he was banned.

 

As for the 'not commenting until you have walked in their shoes' - how do you know what other posters have or haven't gone through?

 

Instead of concentrating on how bad you think the advice here has been, perhaps you could offer the OP your advice

 

Ok here goes. I think sq has a severe ocd problem and a possible borderline personality disorder. He is the classic codepenant as well. He has some serious issues to get through but unless you have of these disorders it is very easy to shout your advise and reride him. There you have it.

[quite.foolish]

I'd been thinking about it for two days, aked on here, everyone said make it short if you absolutely MUST. I knew I was gonna get in the cycle oof apologising for apologising. I dunno what I was thinking.

Terlislee said exactly the same "It's not just going to be one time" I REALLY wish I hadn't done any of this. I could have left it as a major **** up, I got in ****, she hates me, cant' change anything, move on..

 

Now it's open again. I don't know why I thought it would be smart to send a 'final apology' fk

[geegirl]

Ok here goes. I think sq has a severe ocd problem and a possible borderline personality disorder. He is the classic codepenant as well. He has some serious issues to get through but unless you have of these disorders it is very easy to shout your advise and reride him. There you have it.

 

I'm assuming you have these disorders then that is why you are able to make this diagnosis.

[Zammo25]

I'm assuming you have these disorders then that is why you are able to make this diagnosis.

 

Possibly who knows who is to judge, this is meant to be a forum of honesty, I have not got it as bad as him but understand what is going through his head, unlike others.

[geegirl]

I'd been thinking about it for two days, aked on here, everyone said make it short if you absolutely MUST. I knew I was gonna get in the cycle oof apologising for apologising. I dunno what I was thinking.

Terlislee said exactly the same "It's not just going to be one time" I REALLY wish I hadn't done any of this. I could have left it as a major **** up, I got in ****, she hates me, cant' change anything, move on..

 

Now it's open again. I don't know why I thought it would be smart to send a 'final apology' fk

 

And you know what, I've done what you have done. The only difference is that the police was not involved. There is no perfect closure, QF. When something like this happens, you're left with much distress and discomfort and as much as you want to make it all right, you can't. The best is to just let it go.

 

When you send one email, then you want to send another to right another wrong, and another wrong and it goes on and on.

 

You sent the apology because you're hoping for validation. Hoping for a sign of life from her. Hoping she forgives you. Hoping she can take away your hurt. You're desperate for something, anything in return.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You sent it. The next time you go bananas about another apology, come back and read this thread and let it help restrain you from reacting.

[Zammo25]

I fu*cking hate my ex is with another guy but I will not act on it. I will have to suck it up and move on. But that does not mean to say I do not understand this guys thought procescess and to beat him up it doing no one any favours imo.

[geegirl]

Possibly who knows who is to judge, this is meant to be a forum of honesty, I have not got it as bad as him but understand what is going through his head, unlike others.

 

It is a forum of honesty. And people were honest in their advice to him. You see it as judging, that's your call. If it helps QB, and I don't see him complaining, then it shouldn't be your bother.

[beyond]

Ok here goes. I think sq has a severe ocd problem and a possible borderline personality disorder. He is the classic codepenant as well. He has some serious issues to get through but unless you have of these disorders it is very easy to shout your advise and reride him. There you have it.

 

Who has derided him?

As none of us can profesionally counsel (assuming we were properly qualified first of course) over the internet for the issues you mention, then asking someone to consider getting help outside of the forum is, in my view, supportive.

[quite.foolish]

And you know what, I've done what you have done. The only difference is that the police was not involved. There is no perfect closure, QF. When something like this happens, you're left with much distress and discomfort and as much as you want to make it all right, you can't. The best is to just let it go.

 

When you send one email, then you want to send another to right another wrong, and another wrong and it goes on and on.

 

You sent the apology because you're hoping for validation. Hoping for a sign of life from her. Hoping she forgives you. Hoping she can take away your hurt. You're desperate for something, anything in return.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You sent it. The next time you go bananas about another apology, come back and read this thread and let it help restrain you from reacting.

 

That's a pretty important difference.. It's one thing I made a twat out of myself in front of her and her friends/family. The police involved is serious though.

 

Truth is, she did give me a pretty fair chance at getting closure. We stood talking for half an hour or so on her doorstep after I'd done all the stupid stuff, explaining why it can't be fixed, that it was over and she couldn't have me turning up anymore. I just completely ignored her, so selfish.

 

emailed her another twenty times, went to her house again, got arrested and still, I've emailed her again two months later. So stupid. So, so stupid.

[Zammo25]

It is a forum of honesty. And people were honest in their advice to him. You see it as judging, that's your call. If it helps QB, and I don't see him complaining, then it shouldn't be your bother.

 

Fair point. I think the guy has a lot of love to give, if he did not he would not be on here in such turmoil and for that I will give him the benefit of the doubt. All I can say to him is this, yeah this all hurts more than anything you could possibly imagine to lose someone you truely loved. I have had the worst Xmas of my life knowing last year I spent Xmas with a Woman I loved from the bottom of my heart and this year she is with a new guy announcing him to family and friends and very happy and I have never known hurt like this. I have almost lost the plot several times but I am thinking the new guy is better for her and will have a better life than I could ever offer her and you know what , it has almost destroyed me but I have let her get on with it and wish her well as I love/loved her and sometimes you have to let it go if you really love someone. That is the test, if you love someone be happy for them even if it destroys you as that is the ultimate love.

[quite.foolish]

Who has derided him?

As none of us can profesionally counsel (assuming we were properly qualified first of course) over the internet for the issues you mention, then asking someone to consider getting help outside of the forum is, in my view, supportive.

 

I don't see why that's the case really.. I don't know what difference things make in person or in writing, there's a whole lot more info here than I was able to give in my 4/5hrs of councelling.

[geegirl]

That's a pretty important difference.. It's one thing I made a twat out of myself in front of her and her friends/family. The police involved is serious though.

 

Truth is, she did give me a pretty fair chance at getting closure. We stood talking for half an hour or so on her doorstep after I'd done all the stupid stuff, explaining why it can't be fixed, that it was over and she couldn't have me turning up anymore. I just completely ignored her, so selfish.

 

emailed her another twenty times, went to her house again, got arrested and still, I've emailed her again two months later. So stupid. So, so stupid.

 

It is an important difference. And one you should have in the back of your head as a constant reminder as to what not to do. If you believe you made a "twat" of yourself infront of her when it happened, then repeating that same pattern that was self-destructive should be one that you must try to control and eliminate. It's a choice QF. You can choose to react or you can choose to step back and think.

 

You ignored her and felt that you were selfish because you were hurt and you didn't like the outcome. Sometimes we react irrationally to the truth because it's just to hard to accept so we fight it, tooth and nail.

 

Get your frustrations out on this forum. I can't say for sure but you may get into this cycle again, when you receive nothing from her. It will start to weigh on you again. You'll have to decide if you're going to break the pattern or repeat it. I know it's hard. It's hurt your ego and it's hurt your heart. We've all been there. But at some point it has to stop somewhere.

[quite.foolish]

I just wish she knew I was sorry.

 

It sucks that we aren't friends anymore, but it absolutely kills me that she was worried I could hurt her/ go near he child or something.. Kills me, I can't believe I did that to her.

 

A lot of you say it's not about her, it's about me. In some respects yes, I'm hurt and need to move forward, but the only reason I'm hurt is because I hurt her.

 

Wish we could sit in a room, talk it out and leave with her KNOWING for fact that I could never do something truly fked, KNOWING that I'm sorry for the stupid things I said and the way I acted.

 

I wish she'd accept my apology, so I could actually put this behind me as a massive fk up, a huge loss, but she tried to understand and doesn't hate me. It's never going to happen like that. I've never been anythign like this about anyone before. Even when we stopped seeing each other as kids, after spending everyday for two years together, I was nothing like this.

 

Just full of shame. I wish I didn't make her feel that way.

[quite.foolish]

I only have to hear the slightest bit of depressign music and things from our early days come flooding back. I would NEVER in a million years have imagined I would end up with that girl having me thrown in jail. Not in a million years. Absolute MESS.

[dreamingoftigers]

There must be a crisis line where you can talk to someone when you feel the urge to contact coming on.

 

It seems like you really need this pain validated.

[dreamingoftigers]

There must be a crisis line where you can talk to someone when you feel the urge to contact coming on.

 

It seems like you really need this pain validated.

 

Texas Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.

[terlislee]

but the only reason I'm hurt is because I hurt her.

 

Even you have to know that's not true. If it was you would never threaten and scare her in the first place. You are hurt because she left you, because you got rejected and because she ignores you now, which doesn't mean you don't regret what you did, I know how much you do and that it hurts you too. That's life though nothing magically repairs itself just by saying sorry.

 

Right now, she doesn't have many reasons to believe you even if you apologized, I know I wouldn't. You threatened to kill her and then say you didn't mean it only to keep fantasizing about exactly that. Words are only words, they don't mean anything. The best way to show her you mean what you're saying is to leave her be. That's how you show her you really care. Any other kind of contact would only be for your sake, not hers.

 

We all suggest therapy for you, because of how extreme your behaviour is and the fact you're making it worse for yourself by being stuck in this cycle of anger-regret-self-pity-anger. It's not normal to imagine and desribe the murders etc. like you do (and please stop posting those messages here, the internet is not as anonymous as you think and you can get into trouble again just for that). That has absolutely nothing to do with love, but your ego. Hurting someone you supposedly love just because they hurt you first is selfish and nothing else and you take these fantasies to the extreme, because she left a void you are unable to fill by yourself right now. Yes you do have love to give but you have to give it to yourself, she can't do it for you anymore.

 

I know I'm being harsher than I should be, but that's only because I see the obessive compulsive behaviour like sending thousands of messages, the inability to filter out the violent thoughts and the fact the police got involved since I don't want to see you get locked up for this again. I know it would crush you again and really it's not worth it messing your life up over a girl like this. If it wasn't so severe I would tell you to keep breaking NC until you realize that's not the way to heal and only hurts you more, but thing is you just can't do that or you will get arrested so you get more tough love than the others here. Also, I was in a somewhat situation once so I can relate. I wish someone was harsh with me back then as well, it would have saved me months and months of misery.

[terlislee]

I only have to hear the slightest bit of depressign music and things from our early days come flooding back. I would NEVER in a million years have imagined I would end up with that girl having me thrown in jail. Not in a million years. Absolute MESS.

 

It will get better. It's normal to feel like that after a really bad break up. Try not to blame yourself so much, things that happened cannot be changed and it will only put you down more.

[coffeebean201]

You are going to be OK.

 

Just think about something else and put her out of your mind.

 

 

I'm impressed with how much you have been determined to move past this. And you didn't contact her for a long time.

 

You have to find that strength again.

 

And know that another woman will love you. People mess up all the time.

 

But this situation is serious, and you have to recognize that.

[quite.foolish]

Even you have to know that's not true. If it was you would never threaten and scare her in the first place. You are hurt because she left you, because you got rejected and because she ignores you now, which doesn't mean you don't regret what you did, I know how much you do and that it hurts you too. That's life though nothing magically repairs itself just by saying sorry.

 

Right now, she doesn't have many reasons to believe you even if you apologized, I know I wouldn't. You threatened to kill her and then say you didn't mean it only to keep fantasizing about exactly that. (1)Words are only words, they don't mean anything. (2)The best way to show her you mean what you're saying is to leave her be. That's how you show her you really care. Any other kind of contact would only be for your sake, not hers.

 

We all suggest therapy for you, because of how extreme your behaviour is and the fact you're making it worse for yourself by being stuck in this cycle of anger-regret-self-pity-anger. It's not normal to imagine and desribe the murders etc. like you do (and please stop posting those messages here, the internet is not as anonymous as you think and you can get into trouble again just for that). That has absolutely nothing to do with love, but your ego. Hurting someone you supposedly love just because they hurt you first is selfish and nothing else and you take these fantasies to the extreme, because she left a void you are unable to fill by yourself right now. Yes you do have love to give but you have to give it to yourself, she can't do it for you anymore.

 

(3)I know I'm being harsher than I should be, but that's only because I see the obessive compulsive behaviour like sending thousands of messages, the inability to filter out the violent thoughts and the fact the police got involved since I don't want to see you get locked up for this again. I know it would crush you again and really it's not worth it messing your life up over a girl like this. If it wasn't so severe I would tell you to keep breaking NC until you realize that's not the way to heal and only hurts you more, but thing is you just can't do that or you will get arrested so you get more tough love than the others here. Also, I was in a somewhat situation once so I can relate. I wish someone was harsh with me back then as well, it would have saved me months and months of misery.

 

(1)I wish she'd have believed this when I was acting stupid towards her!!

(2)I know it's true. I just.. I dunno. I didn't want her to go on thinking the ONLY reason I stopped going near her was risk of getting in trouble. Wish I'd have left it though. I really do. Just gotta sit here nervous for a while now, hoping she doesn't call them up. So stupid mailing her yesterday.

(3)I don't think it's true I appreciate you giving me all your advice.

 

Those messages were stupid yesterday, absolute panic "I'm really sorry for the mess I made.." "****, can't believe I just hit send, I'm sorry" "shyt shyt, please, please don't get me in any trouble"

 

3messages, ten minutes. So stupid. Gonna be a few weeks before I'm confident the police aren't on their way to be honest.

[quite.foolish]

I guess it is an ego thing.. If that's the word.

 

How do I get over that?

 

Only being able to love the nicest and prettiest girl?

 

All other girls just seem to be friends, or they can go without a worry.

Genuinely, she's the only girl who has ever made me feel anything like that. Plenty of girls to make love me. Only one who's really got under my skin to the point of going wild about it, getting all cut up when she doesn't want to talk anymore.

 

Is this because I keep seeing her as who she was when she was younger?

Is it because I don't think I'll ever find another girl who's as extra-ordinary as her?

 

I heard about this movie.. 'RubySparks', I might go wtch it.. ahah

She's like that, written perfectly for me.. As if I made her myself. I just forgot to write the part about her loving me forever lmaoo

 

Hilarious.

[totalb]

I only have to hear the slightest bit of depressign music and things from our early days come flooding back. I would NEVER in a million years have imagined I would end up with that girl having me thrown in jail. Not in a million years. Absolute MESS.

 

I'm chiming in here a little late and not exactly up to speed on your situation but I just have to ask about the comment you made, bold in particular.

Did she set wrongfully implicate you in order to put you in jail?

If that isn't the case and your time in jail is consequent of your own efforts, it is crucial that you grasp the significance of the reality, as a start. I'm sorry if that doesn't apply to you, but it truly provokes me when a guilty party minimizes their actions with apologies, regrets, lowballing, and mostly waiver of the victim. The degree of the account is irrelevant and that is why I cited downplaying the explanation. Not meant as an attack, I just couldn't overlook your comment.

[quite.foolish]

No, there was no make-believe, bs made up to have me in trouble. She actually left it a long time and had me in the minimal amount of trouble I could be in. She didn't want to talk to me, I kept trying to talk to her.

 

Dunno what the **** I've done to be fair. How have I made someone who used to be my best friend a ****ing stalking victim?

 

What on earth? From the inside, the bad things I did were.. Talk out of anger, say something stupid to her ex..

 

Take a step back and wow.. EVERYTHING was messed up. Created some bad, bad memories for her and myself. What a TWAT.

[quite.foolish]

I SHOULD NOT have e-mailed her yesterday.. I shouldn't have said anything to her EVER again. So stupid.

 

she didn't want to read anything from me and I did it again. She told me twenty times she didn't want to know and still I tried to apologise again.

 

WTF!

 

Saw her on christmas day. She wasn't at all pleased to see me. Then I message her AGAIN two days later? ****in stupid. I'm actually going to end up doing time for that yesterday.