Finding it hard to settle down

[Darren Steez]

Quite don't get why the friend is being vilified here? Many here wanted the guy to find out because what was going on was clearly wrong. If I had a good friend, had to lie for him to his girl while she sat at home and he had sex at every opportunity he could, I would tell the girl.

 

If the girl wants forgiveness from her man for her actions then surely the same branch must be extended to her friend?

[naviis]

Quite don't get why the friend is being vilified here? Many here wanted the guy to find out because what was going on was clearly wrong. If I had a good friend, had to lie for him to his girl while she sat at home and he had sex at every opportunity he could, I would tell the girl.

 

If the girl wants forgiveness from her man for her actions then surely the same branch must be extended to her friend?

 

Her friend had already made it clear she was not supportive of OP's wish to change, and told the guy what was going on so she could get her friend back.

 

Did the guy deserve to know? I personally think so. Was it up to her to tell him? Definitely not. If she was a true friend, she would have gone to OP and talked her into being honest with her bf.

[Darren Steez]

Her friend had already made it clear she was not supportive of OP's wish to change, and told the guy what was going on so she could get her friend back.

 

Did the guy deserve to know? I personally think so. Was it up to her to tell him? Definitely not. If she was a true friend, she would have gone to OP and talked her into being honest with her bf.

 

Oh aye, as in she wanted the old cheating friend back? Ok get it now, in that case the friend is a douche. Still silver linings and all. Things are out in the open now, although most likely the trust can never be recovered, the recovery can truly start from here.

[SupaSexySally]

Yes, there is a point! You have yourself to fight for.

 

Well that's just dandy. Fight for myself, what is the point, no-one likes me, no-one wants me and I go to therapy to fight for what, for me? I don't deserve to be fought for, that is obvious now.

I was better of just enjoying the ride the way it was before, it's just too hard to change.

[Darren Steez]

Well that's just dandy. Fight for myself, what is the point, no-one likes me, no-one wants me and I go to therapy to fight for what, for me? I don't deserve to be fought for, that is obvious now.

I was better of just enjoying the ride the way it was before, it's just too hard to change.

 

Your boyfriend liked you, he loved you, worshiped, trusted you. You know the most precious thing someone can do is invite you into their world, share their life with you? Look at all the precious good times you spent with your boyfriend, how precious where all those moments and memories?

 

You sit here feeling sorry for YOURSELF, it's all you, you, you but there was another person involved and not the people you were sleeping with. That is what a relationship is, two people so when you involve someone else then your partner automatically gets involved too, although they may not know it at the time.

 

You are hurting right now, but so is your boyfriend. If you don't use this opportunity to try and change yourself now then how are you going to handle this when/if you meet another guy (unless you really don't want to change and meet a guy who's ok in an open relationship)

 

Life sucks, but you can use it for positive change if you want to.

[Woggle]

It might be over with your BF at this point but it is not too late to turn a new corner and be a better person for yourself and any future people you involve yourself with. Take responsibility for your current situation and use it to make a change.

[2sunny]

You can't blame your GF - she was only being honest.

 

There would be nothing to tell if you had never done these things!

 

Think about that moving forward... You are accountable for your actions.

 

Do things that make you proud of yourself.

 

Don't be mad at her - be mad that you did those things... And change that part of yourself.

[todreaminblue]

I guess the title says it all really. I am still relatively young at 25 but have found a man I am madly in love with, he is all I think about, when I wake up, at work, at night, whenever I have a spare moment he is occupying my thoughts and I know it’s real because I get that tingle when I think of him. Just driving over to his house every night or waiting for him to come to mine I am all nervous, butterflies, like I have never experienced before. He says he feels the same. We will be together one year in February.

Well all that is great but I have been single since I was 20 and I have made a point of experiencing everything that I could in that time. I would well and truly make Santa’s naughty list. I have used men, lied to them, cheated with them, cheated on them, you name it I have done it justifying it by saying I was single and it will all stop once I find the right man.

Well I have found him, and I can’t stop. I really have been trying but I go to a nightclub with the girls and it just happens, I end up snogging someone or even going home with them. I am not proud of this, in fact I feel disgusted with myself but yet I still keep on doing it. I travel all around with my job (deliveries) and I will drop into one of the guys places that I know for a quickie. No problem when I was single but why am I doing this now? I think I had no boundaries for so long I don’t know how to re-establish them.

He is a wonderful man, very open, very sexual. Our relationship lacks nothing, I long for the next time I meet with him but I am just a wanton woman I guess and I keep on cheating on him over and over again. He does know of one time when I cheated on him with one of his friends. His friend told him and he has forgiven us. He is that wonderful that he forgave us, I want this man forever. How can I destroy him by cheating on him probably 10-20 times he doesn’t know about? I know it is wrong, I just can’t control myself when I get that urge. I just want it to stop so I can concentrate on him and hopefully he never finds out about any of the others and I can stay committed to him.

Can anyone help? I really don’t want to hear that I should break up with him, I know I should do that. I really don’t want to hear that I need to tell him the truth, I know that too. I want to know how I can stop screwing around and putting in jeopardy a relationship with the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why when I want him so badly do I put it all on the line for a cheap thrill with someone I have no feelings for?

 

 

when you are with a guy i have a few things that may help you.......be pro active...dont go out with single friends on shag nights, and pick up , dotn be wing girl for other friends who want to shag, if you go out on the town take your boyfriend with you, start thinking like you arent single anymore, dont hang out with single guys at night, dont go on dates with other men, tell your boyfriend what you feel honestly as far as sex goes,make friends together with other like minded couples, stop thinking you are missing out or you will miss your chance for real, make sure you let all your friends know you are off the market and your family, including guys, as soon as they hit on you walk away ...not interested i have a guy is enough.......o r talk incessantly abotu yoru boyfriend...thats a huge turn off for most men....everytime they open there mouth and say something say..... well my boyfriend does this and he is unreal verbatim ad exec....make him a living breathing presence.......sing really loudly i fyou have a groper on yrou hands......yellow submarine......that should get rid of him and the temptation because you will be laughing too hard to be tempted...pretend you have turrets....toooretts ..and then..smile for no reason and say nothing.....that scares guys away..i got dared to do this one with a guy at a service station.....nearly got the cops called...so yep i am sure it will work...use these strategies when you feel amorous because it will help you avoid guys wanting to get to know you let alone take you to bed ..........be pro active...and sometimes it can be a little fun...you just need fun not sex......dont be a slut now girls just wanna have fun....say that motto.....over and over....till you brainwash yourself..psssssssssssst if a guy still thinks your cool after singing yellow submarine really off key ...run fast....trust me that guy is more of a risk than you are acting psycho........best wishes....deb

[NoMagicBullet]

Everything has blown up in my face, I feel worthless, I have lost my best friend, I have lost the love of my life, I have nothing left.

My so called best friend told my boyfriend everything. He refuses to speak to me, he came around and got his stuff and left and I had no idea what was going on. I rang my best friend and she admitted she told him because she wanted the old Sally back. Stupid bitch.

He wont answer my calls, he wont text, he wont answer the door. I haven't even had an opportunity to explain. I feel so sick, I don't think I can live without him. I hate my life.

No point going to the counselor anymore, there is nothing left to fight for. I only have myself to blame, just a stupid slut that can't commit.

I'm sure most here will be happy, well good for you because I am ruined. I will make sure my EX best friend pays for this.

 

This is why you needed to tell your BF yourself -- he may have still ended it, but he likely would have respected you for being honest enough to finally tell him as well as that you were going to couseling to stop cheating.

 

This is also why you need to dump your so-called friends -- they don't care about you or about what's best for you! Your "friend" even said she did it so she could have her running mate Old Sally again; that's damn selfish and manipulative of her.

 

 

Well that's just dandy. Fight for myself, what is the point, no-one likes me, no-one wants me and I go to therapy to fight for what, for me? I don't deserve to be fought for, that is obvious now.

I was better of just enjoying the ride the way it was before, it's just too hard to change.

 

GO BACK TO COUNSELING!!! This "I don't deserve to be fought for" attitude is reason enough. No one wants to fight for someone who won't fight for themslves, and it gets tiring and annoying trying to like someone who hates themselves and puts themselves down.

 

Yeah, change is hard, but 99% of the time, it's totally worth it. Fight through it. KEEP GOING TO COUNSELING.

[coffeebean201]

This thing you are fighting is a monster.

 

Give yourself some credit for finding out about it, deciding you want to make some changes and going about making those changes.

 

My son used to have behaviour problems (bad tantrums) and I told him he had to lock his dragon in a cage inside of him or no one would want to be around him. But that the dragon would always be inside him for the rest of his life, rattling the cage. And he had to keep that cage locked. Took us about a year, and then his behaviour problems really got better.

 

I don't think too much of your friend. I would leave the boyfriend alone and let him find his own way back to you.

[Mumbles]

Well that's just dandy. Fight for myself, what is the point, no-one likes me, no-one wants me and I go to therapy to fight for what, for me? I don't deserve to be fought for, that is obvious now.

I was better of just enjoying the ride the way it was before, it's just too hard to change.

 

Change is always hard, and frightening. But you've grown, already, in only two weeks.

 

I'd flick the religious counsellor because she seems to be imposing something on you which is not helpful. Councelling sessions are about YOU, not about her world view. She's taken you part way down a long journey and that fine. Get a new non aligned counsellor and pick up where you left off.

 

You may not be able to get this boy back, and that fine too. Love is out there and you will find it, you will, and you will be better prepared this time around.

 

Your "friend" is _not_ your friend. She has been selfish, don't reward her for that behaviour, give her up.

[naviis]

Well that's just dandy. Fight for myself, what is the point, no-one likes me, no-one wants me and I go to therapy to fight for what, for me? I don't deserve to be fought for, that is obvious now.

 

Someone loved you. As hurt as he is, he probably still does. Feelings don't just go away. Whether he can forgive you or not is a different story but give yourself some credit. And as hard as it might seem right now, at some point someone else will love you.

 

I was better of just enjoying the ride the way it was before, it's just too hard to change.

 

That's fine, if you were happy that way. But do you want to find yourself in the same situation again, where you love someone yet constantly betray their trust? If anything, the change will be "easier" to work on because you won't have the pressure of hurting someone if you slip. And slips do occur. It's just human.

Edited January 4, 2013 by naviis

[salparadise]

Well that's just dandy. Fight for myself, what is the point, no-one likes me, no-one wants me and I go to therapy to fight for what, for me? I don't deserve to be fought for, that is obvious now.

I was better of just enjoying the ride the way it was before, it's just too hard to change.

 

These self-loathing feelings must be terribly painful. You might think in this moment that you were better off before but what you were doing was nothing more than an attempt to avoid dealing with what you're being forced to deal with now. It should be obvious to you now that you need peel back the defenses and fix it. The most important characteristic that healthy people seek in a partner is integrity. If integrity is not there, if what you offer is not who you really are, there really is no potential for fulfilling relationship, whether it be romance or friendship. Making this transformation should be your priority now. When you can be honest with yourself and truly love yourself, then others will naturally love you too. We attract love by dissolving barriers and defenses, not by constructing them. When you can look at yourself in the mirror and say this is the real me, I love who I am, and I'm not afraid to reveal my true self to the world, then you will attract real love everywhere you go and with everyone you meet. Taking the fist step on this path and following it one step at a time will transform your life.

[NoMagicBullet]

... The most important characteristic that healthy people seek in a partner is integrity. If integrity is not there, if what you offer is not who you really are, there really is no potential for fulfilling relationship, whether it be romance or friendship. Making this transformation should be your priority now. When you can be honest with yourself and truly love yourself, then others will naturally love you too. We attract love by dissolving barriers and defenses, not by constructing them. When you can look at yourself in the mirror and say this is the real me, I love who I am, and I'm not afraid to reveal my true self to the world, then you will attract real love everywhere you go and with everyone you meet. Taking the fist step on this path and following it one step at a time will transform your life.

 

Awesome words to live by. I wish I had written that.

[SupaSexySally]

I have come to the realisation that I must change myself for me.

I do deserve it. I am worth it.

I have taken Bryanp's advice and written to my boyfriend with my sincere apologies and I have also directed him to this thread so he can see the whole truth.

There is no point trying to hide it anymore, all I can do now is change so it wont happen again.

I have no idea whether he will even read my email or whether he will come here and regardless I hold little hope for any reconciliation.

If he does, this is for you baby - I am so so sorry, I hope your pain doesn't last too long, whatever becomes of us I will always love you.

Thanks to the LS crew. I wish I had found this place earlier and dealt with my issues so I didn't destroy my relationship.

[NoMagicBullet]

I have come to the realisation that I must change myself for me.

I do deserve it. I am worth it.

....

 

You have no idea how great it is to read that. Really! I'm sure I'm not the only one here on LS that is pulling for you in the changes you are undertaking. I sincerely wish you the best, Sally. So many people don't have the courage to face their problems, let alone change them, and you have been doing both. Be proud of yourself for that, and always remember what you wrote above: you are worth it!

[Bryanp]

You are correct Sally that you need to change for yourself. I agree that a lot of people here are pulling for you. There is an old saying that is quite appropriate for you which states: If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck to you.

[Joaquin]

I would not like to be the ex guy reading this thread. I get why you did it, and i'd be fairly sure it wasn't for the good of the guy. Cheating on him with 20 or so guys, I mean, was it really necessary for him to read that on a forum where all these random posters knew before him.

 

Anyway, at least the guy was set free in the end. But make no mistake, you have really done a number on this guy. He will take a long time, if ever, to recover from that.

Edited January 6, 2013 by Joaquin

[SupaSexySally]

I have the BEST news ever.

My boyfriend is back!!

He has read this thread and has seen how I desperately want to change and has come back to work through this with me.

He says he doesn't care who I was, all her cares about is who I am and who I am going to be.

We are not officially back together, it is too early to tell whether that can happen but he IS back in my life as a friend.

He is also going to come to counseling with me once we find a suitable counselor. I am still going to continue my counseling alone as well, again when I find someone new.

I am so happy right now.

[Mumbles]

Wow! What a great result. I am really happy that he is back as a friend and going to counselling with you rather than just right back as the 'boyfriend'.

 

Good luck to you both in the future. Change is hard, really hard, but ultimately worth it.

[salparadise]

I have the BEST news ever.

My boyfriend is back!!

He has read this thread and has seen how I desperately want to change and has come back to work through this with me.

He says he doesn't care who I was, all her cares about is who I am and who I am going to be.

We are not officially back together, it is too early to tell whether that can happen but he IS back in my life as a friend.

He is also going to come to counseling with me once we find a suitable counselor. I am still going to continue my counseling alone as well, again when I find someone new.

I am so happy right now.

 

Alright Sally! This is indeed great news. Take a few minutes to contemplate the magnitude of this opportunity and what it means. Think about how good it's going to feel living without guilt or shame, and having nothing to hide from anyone!

 

The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep - Edgar Watson Howe.

[nofool4u]

I have the BEST news ever.

My boyfriend is back!!

He has read this thread and has seen how I desperately want to change and has come back to work through this with me.

He says he doesn't care who I was, all her cares about is who I am and who I am going to be.

 

What about who you are when with him up to this point? All the clubbing and cheating? Something tells me he isn't quite so ok with all of this as you put forward.

 

But on the off chance he wants to get back together, then unless he is a fool, this should spell the end of you going on girl's nights out, clubbing and bar hopping. Are you willing to refrain from those activities?

 

Or more to the point, if you are sincere about changing and respecting him, are you going to take the initiative and willingly dump that lifestyle?

[MrBossMan]

I have the BEST news ever.

My boyfriend is back!!

He has read this thread and has seen how I desperately want to change and has come back to work through this with me.

He says he doesn't care who I was, all her cares about is who I am and who I am going to be.

We are not officially back together, it is too early to tell whether that can happen but he IS back in my life as a friend.

He is also going to come to counseling with me once we find a suitable counselor. I am still going to continue my counseling alone as well, again when I find someone new.

I am so happy right now.

 

Congrats, Sally. Please be good to this man. We know you can do it. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Darren Steez]

I was actually thinking this is an interesting case of reverse psychology, had it been the boyfriend posting about discovering his girlfriend was doing what OP described, people would have told him to leave her and never look back.

It's interesting how people reacted to this, very interesting.

[SupaSexySally]

We went for out first counseling session together today. (still with my current counselor at this stage).

It was a very emotional session for me. Listening to him speak I realized the impact of what I have done to him. I don't know whether I will ever be able to make it up to him.

The counselor asked why he has stayed and he spoke for a long time about his feelings for me and why I was special. It was very hard to listen to knowing that while he was feeling that way I was thinking of no-one but myself. I could never do that to anyone again.

I have ceased contact with all of my acquaintances and told my remaining girlfriends that I will no longer be going out with them alone. They are fully supportive of what I am doing and have vowed to take it down a notch themselves. I don't know whether that will happen but they are not my focus.

My ex best friend has been basically kicked from our little group for what she did so hopefully she has a good life and I never see her again.

I can feel inside that I am changing, I actually feel better about myself although thinking of the past is starting to haunt me, I treated a lot of people very bad, especially myself.

I can't thank my (boy)friend enough for sticky by me, wherever this leads.

This is a work in progress but I feel I am moving forward.

Thanks for listening.