Finding it hard to settle down

[SupaSexySally]

I guess the title says it all really. I am still relatively young at 25 but have found a man I am madly in love with, he is all I think about, when I wake up, at work, at night, whenever I have a spare moment he is occupying my thoughts and I know it’s real because I get that tingle when I think of him. Just driving over to his house every night or waiting for him to come to mine I am all nervous, butterflies, like I have never experienced before. He says he feels the same. We will be together one year in February.

Well all that is great but I have been single since I was 20 and I have made a point of experiencing everything that I could in that time. I would well and truly make Santa’s naughty list. I have used men, lied to them, cheated with them, cheated on them, you name it I have done it justifying it by saying I was single and it will all stop once I find the right man.

Well I have found him, and I can’t stop. I really have been trying but I go to a nightclub with the girls and it just happens, I end up snogging someone or even going home with them. I am not proud of this, in fact I feel disgusted with myself but yet I still keep on doing it. I travel all around with my job (deliveries) and I will drop into one of the guys places that I know for a quickie. No problem when I was single but why am I doing this now? I think I had no boundaries for so long I don’t know how to re-establish them.

He is a wonderful man, very open, very sexual. Our relationship lacks nothing, I long for the next time I meet with him but I am just a wanton woman I guess and I keep on cheating on him over and over again. He does know of one time when I cheated on him with one of his friends. His friend told him and he has forgiven us. He is that wonderful that he forgave us, I want this man forever. How can I destroy him by cheating on him probably 10-20 times he doesn’t know about? I know it is wrong, I just can’t control myself when I get that urge. I just want it to stop so I can concentrate on him and hopefully he never finds out about any of the others and I can stay committed to him.

Can anyone help? I really don’t want to hear that I should break up with him, I know I should do that. I really don’t want to hear that I need to tell him the truth, I know that too. I want to know how I can stop screwing around and putting in jeopardy a relationship with the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why when I want him so badly do I put it all on the line for a cheap thrill with someone I have no feelings for?

[road]

I know I should do that. I really don’t want to hear that I need to tell him the truth, I know that too. I want to know how I can stop screwing around and putting in jeopardy a relationship with the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why when I want him so badly do I put it all on the line for a cheap thrill with someone I have no feelings for?

 

 

Well you may not want to hear it but you are going to hear it. Tell your BF the truth today. Also you need to get counseled.

[GSB81]

I'm not trying to be mean or insult you, but it's gonna sound that way. The problem is, and please forgive me, is that you're a slut and you've been one for so long that you are incapable of having a real relationship. You are barely into this relationship and you have already proven you can't be trusted. You do not need to be in a relationship since all you're going to do is hurt some poor guy. If you liked him so much, you wouldn't have screwed around on him TWENTY times. God help your boyfriend.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your wonderful boyfriend was doing to you behind your back what you have been doing to him and putting you at risk for STD's? You are self-destructive. You clearly do not have honesty in your relationship. You need to be honest with him so he can decide what he wishes to do. This is not just all about you.

[Joaquin]

If your finding it hard to settle down (and you certainly sound like you are...and more!!!!) then don't.

 

Your problem is you want the benefits of a relationship but none of the constraints of being in one. In a nutshell, you want it all.

 

You want to have fun with loads of cock, go mad, have a ball (hell have a load of them) but let the poor fella your dragging around go.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Do you ever realize that the only person you are really thinking about is you and your own feelings?

 

You really need to get over yourself, and I say this as someone who's cheated in relationships myself.

 

You're not ready, you wont be....the harder you try and force the more mistakes you'll make because you can't take the pressure, you can't handle "love", commitment and all these other things that make you feel trapped. So you go out and f@ck it all up by sleeping with other men and having a good time, distracting yourself from the emotions and situation that makes you nervous, it's a coping mechanism you've developed.

 

If you like sex that much and fooling around, become an escort, at least you'll be making money without hurting someone else and getting paid well on top of it.

 

You're definitely not ready for this relationship though and shouldn't be in one. You can't handle the emotional aspect of it and need to work on yourself, because you can't be tied down and the further down the road you get the more you're going to cheat. How many times are you going to cheat on this guy before you realize you're completely treating him like dirt and acting like a total slut? And you deserve to be with him because of your feelings and what you want? Sometimes I wish I crossed women like you instead of good women that I've cheated on in the past, to put a knife through your heart by someone who's two steps ahead of you, to remind you and show you what it feels like on the other end to give you back your sympathy bone. Because when you hurt people i'm sure it's all just part of the deal and your issues, but if someone did it to you...oh man, I'm sure you'd piss your pants and cry yourself crazy because you actually got hurt...and maybe you have been, much in your past, and that is the only sympathy I'd have for you, but you need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions and stay out of relationship if you can't meet your own standards and expectations and especially someone else who loves you...you don't deserve it otherwise honestly, unless they are ok with it and truly get you.

 

Get it out of your system, stay single, or you're going to make the mistake of hurting someone you love even more, and that catches up to you. You think you feel bad now, wait until you wake up and smell the coffee and realize that you're the one with all this blood on your hands. You don't deserve it, at least put on your big girl pants, stop feeling sorry for yourself and crying about it....get some help and take some responsibility, accountability and try to fix it on your own...instead of pussying out and hurting people along the way for your problems.

 

Every time you see your BF, you're living a lie...and he's stupid enough to love and trust you, bravo for you. You'll never face or fix your issues if you always keep them a secret.

Edited December 8, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[dasein]

OP the fact that your BF accepts and forgives your cheating makes him an enabler of it, not as great as you paint him to be. You aren't capable of a mature, exclusive relationship, so don't attempt to have one at this time.

[Bryanp]

I am guessing that the boyfriend has no idea that she is cheating on him. He will figure it out when he gets an STD.

[SupaSexySally]

All the criticism I have copped is well deserved. I am not trying to paint myself as an angel, I know I have done wrong but I am trying to change.

I do desperately want to be in a relationship with my boyfriend exclusively but it is proving a hard thing to do. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can sit down in the cold hard light of day and I know exactly what I need to do, exactly what I want to do. But then I get out to a club and it's like all the things I promised myself just fly out the window and I cheat yet again. I deserve the criticism and yes even deserve the slut comment but even though it is going to be hard for people to believe I do not want to be like that anymore, I am just finding it hard to stop. I know it's a weakness of mine, the issue is all mine, I am not trying to pass the blame elsewhere or even diminish any blame toward me. I just want to learn how to be faithful again so I can keep the one thing that makes me happy. If he finds out the extent of what I have done then he will no doubt leave me, that is why I am just hoping to change and be the loving partner from this moment on and let the past be history.

[Woggle]

You obviously don't want to be in a monogamous relationship so just dump him and play around honestly. If you don't want to be like this and have a hard time controlling yourself then seek help and stay single until you are ready to be honest in a relationship.

[2sunny]

The problem starts even with your user name. Who cares if you think you're sexy! Do you understand that most men would f@ck a rock if they could? Men don't generally say no!

 

That being said - you think TOO much of yourself - and you equate men having sex with you as "you being desirable" - which isn't true! Men just need to have sex - you're the one offering it up.

 

The whole scene tells me you don't think much of yourself - deep down.

 

Get help sorting through your twisted priorities.

[SupaSexySally]

The problem starts even with your user name. Who cares if you think you're sexy!

 

You couldn't be more wrong 2sunny. My username has nothing to do with me at all, Sally isn't even my name but go ahead if you wish and keep making wild assumptions. Sally was actually a pet parrot of ours and she used to talk a lot, one of the things she used to say was super sexy.

 

you think TOO much of yourself - and you equate men having sex with you as "you being desirable" - which isn't true! Men just need to have sex - you're the one offering it up.

 

I'm sorry I don't live in the 1950's. Women want sex as much as men and if anything I used the men. I am not saying that makes me a great person, it probably makes me a bad one, but I was definitely not getting used by them.

But why so much concentration on my past. I agree with you all that I was not a nice person with the way I treated people. Unfortunately it has now caused issues when I want to settle down, but I am working on that. I am looking forward and trying to be a better person going forward. If all you want to do is dwell on my past then so be it, but you are not offering up any advice or comment that I don't already think of myself.

[2sunny]

Do you possess any self control? Do you have any boundary? If so, where's your boundary?

[KraftDinner]

You sound like a sex addict. You aren't the only one.

 

What do you get from all your various dalliances? How do you feel? Before? During? After?

[2sunny]

Sure healthy women want sex. But harming yourself or others to get it isn't right.

 

If that's what you want - great - then break up with the guy who thinks you are a different woman than you really are.

 

He deserves someone who will respect and honor him.

 

Your choices have consequences... Which means you're not ready for a committed relationship. Been there done that - but when I did that - I never ever gave any man the impression I was going to be with only him.

 

Be honest with the guy you're dating. You're not the woman he THINKS you are - so there's no way he can love you when he doesn't REALLY know who you are.

 

The R is doomed because you've played him as your fool.

[SupaSexySally]

I have read and re-read this thread a number of times and tried to look at all the posts (including my own) objectively and have realized that my problem is bigger than I thought. I have booked in with a counselor for later this week to start discussing my issues. I still really want to stay with my boyfriend but no doubt part of the process will be telling him the truth so there is no chance he will want me after finding out what I have done. Thanks for opening my eyes, something it seems my girlfriends were either unable or unwilling to do.

[road]

I have read and re-read this thread a number of times and tried to look at all the posts (including my own) objectively and have realized that my problem is bigger than I thought. I have booked in with a counselor for later this week to start discussing my issues. I still really want to stay with my boyfriend but no doubt part of the process will be telling him the truth so there is no chance he will want me after finding out what I have done. Thanks for opening my eyes, something it seems my girlfriends were either unable or unwilling to do.

 

 

good you are taking the first step to turning your life around

[silvermercy]

You should look up symptoms of sex addiction and hypersexuality. You may also be a nymphomaniac. Your situation seems at least abnormal (beyond the level of simple promiscuity). You may also be suffering from other undiagnosed conditions that fuel this desire (look up bipolar disorder) and see a specialist or sexologist to be sure.

 

Having said that, cheating on your boyfriend who you're supposed to love is NOT excusable. If you really love him then you'll let him go while you fix this problem. I don't see this relationship surviving long-term anyway despite him being a forgiving doormat. Good thing you're seeking counseling though. Keep doing that until you fully realise why you do the things you do.

Edited December 9, 2012 by silvermercy

[2sunny]

Counseling is a good step. Don't get discouraged when the counselor wants to know about your childhood. It plays a relative role to who you are and what you do.

 

Glad you're going to go!

[Woggle]

I have read and re-read this thread a number of times and tried to look at all the posts (including my own) objectively and have realized that my problem is bigger than I thought. I have booked in with a counselor for later this week to start discussing my issues. I still really want to stay with my boyfriend but no doubt part of the process will be telling him the truth so there is no chance he will want me after finding out what I have done. Thanks for opening my eyes, something it seems my girlfriends were either unable or unwilling to do.

Let me guess and say that many of your friends are enablers who sort of a you go girl attitude towards it.

[Mango21]

supersexysally.. can i ask you the obvious question pls..

1. if you love someone so much that you are thinking of him day and night.. what makes you cheat on someone like that? When you are in someone else's arm and screwing around .. surely you think about your boyfriend and they way he holds you and makes love to you?

 

2. Is he not giving you what you are really looking for sexually?

[2sunny]

supersexysally.. can i ask you the obvious question pls..

1. if you love someone so much that you are thinking of him day and night.. what makes you cheat on someone like that? When you are in someone else's arm and screwing around .. surely you think about your boyfriend and they way he holds you and makes love to you?

 

2. Is he not giving you what you are really looking for sexually?

 

I'm sure it's NOT on him.

 

It's within her that's the problem. Or lack of a conscience that may be the issue...

 

Or her ability to "compartmentalize" so tightly that she doesn't feel empathy...

 

Or trauma from childhood that needs to be worked through...

 

She needs help to find out!

[SupaSexySally]

supersexysally.. can i ask you the obvious question pls..

1. if you love someone so much that you are thinking of him day and night.. what makes you cheat on someone like that? When you are in someone else's arm and screwing around .. surely you think about your boyfriend and they way he holds you and makes love to you?

 

2. Is he not giving you what you are really looking for sexually?

 

 

I really do love my boyfriend. I know it doesn't seem that way and I understand why other people can't see that. I love being with him, the way he looks into my eyes, the way he smiles when he sees me, the way I feel when I see him. He is a superstar in the bedroom. He is the first guy that actually cares whether I orgasm or not. He wont penetrate me unless I have orgasmed orally at least once. So why do I risk this for a cheap thrill with some random I couldn't give a stuff about?

But my brain doesn't work or something. I go to a club and its like my brain turns off and I just do what feels good at the time. The next thing I know I have cheated. I don't even know if the sex was good, I don't even care, I just feel guilty about cheating again but I just can't stop. And I do it again and again because I am an idiot. I am destroying all that is good in my life.

I don't think there are any underlying issues, I just think I had the freedom to do this for so long without any repercussions that I am having a terrible time switching it off. And still hanging around with the same group who are all still single does not help.

I think a need new friends, but how do you just walk away from people you have known and loved for years? All I want and all I care about is not hurting my boyfriend anymore and staying with him. That is only possible if I stay silent but I don't see that being an option as part of me 'fixing' myself.

[2sunny]

It's not your friends - it's you.

[Bryanp]

It sounds like you really wish to fix yourself. I am impressed that you realized that you agree that you must tell your boyfriend the truth since he deserves to know. You may be wrong that he will walk away. He may truly love you and try to help you. Again he needs to know because your relationship with him involves two people and he indeed has a right to know.

 

Ten years from now do you honestly still want to be going to clubs and hooking up all the time. It is good that you will be seeing a counselor. When you are tempted in the future ask yourself how would my boyfriend feel about this and would I want my boyfriend to do to me what I am doing to him? Good luck.